Also by John Gray

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

This book is dedicated with deepest love and affection to my wife, Bonnie Gray.

Her love has supported me to be the best I can be and share with others what we have learned together.

CONTENTS

Title Page

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Introduction

CHAPTER ONE Why Mars and Venus Collide

CHAPTER TWO Hardwired to Be Different

CHAPTER THREE Stress Hormones from Mars and Venus

CHAPTER FOUR A Woman’s Never-Ending To-Do List

CHAPTER FIVE The 90/10 Solution

CHAPTER SIX Mr. Fix-It and the Home Improvement Committee

CHAPTER SEVEN The Anatomy of a Fight

CHAPTER EIGHT How to Stop Fighting and Make Up

CHAPTER NINE Talking about Feelings in a Fight-Free Zone

CHAPTER TEN Looking for Love in All the Right Places

CONCLUSION Creating a Lifetime of Love

Sources

Appendix A: Reducing Stress through Cellular Cleansing

Appendix B: Creating the Brain Chemicals of Health, Happiness, and Romance

Appendix C: Mars Venus Coaching and Counseling

About the Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I thank my wife, Bonnie, for sharing the journey of developing this book with me. She has been a great teacher as well as my biggest fan. She is a tremendous source of insight, and her capacity to love is a great inspiration. I thank her for expanding my ability to understand and honor the female point of view. This perspective has not only enriched our life together but also provides the foundation for the many insights in this book.

I thank our three daughters—Shannon and her husband, Jon Myers; Juliet and her husband, Dan Levinson; and Lauren—for their continuous love and support. Our many conversations have definitely enriched my perspective on what it means to be a young woman today. The love we share and the many challenges they have each overcome have helped anchor the many practical ideas in Why Mars and Venus Collide. I also thank our new grandchild Sophia Rose for the new grace and delight she has brought to our family.

I thank my staff and team, Bonnie Gray, Juliet Levinson, Jeff Owens, Melanie Gorman, Dean Levin, Neil Dickens, Ellie Coren, and Sherrie Natrass for their consistant support and hard work in organizing and producing my talks, seminars, columns, TV show, radio show, infomercial, nutritional product development and distribution, MarsVenus.com Web site, AskMarsVenus.com telephone coaching, MarsVenusDating.com, Mars Venus Coaching training program, MarsVenusGoCleanse.com, and Mars Venus Wellness Retreats. For a small group of people, you do a lot. I also want to thank the hundreds of supportive people who help our team bring this message to the world.

I thank my editors, Kathryn Huck and Diane Reverand, for their brilliant feedback, advice, and editorial expertise, and the CEO of HarperCollins, Jane Friedman, and publisher Jonathan Burnham for their vision and encouragement. I thank Steven Kunkes, M.D., for reviewing the scientific chapters to make sure I had it all right.

The ideas in this book are certainly inspired by my own personal experiences in creating a loving relationship and in helping others do the same, but without the thousands of people who have generously shared their insights, experiences, and research it could never have been so rich. Each page has some jewel of wisdom that I have cherished hearing, and I know you, the reader, will as well. To gather these ideas, it has taken a team of dedicated health, happiness, and relationship teachers, writers, coaches, researchers, therapists, doctors, nurses, patients, and seminar participants over thirty years to refine and develop. Much of this work in developing the new ideas of Why Mars and Venus Collide was done through special gatherings and seminars at the Mars Venus Wellness Center in northern California during the past five years.

I thank the colleagues and experts who have aided me during my research: Dr. Daniel G. Amen, John and Cher Anderson, Jack Canfield, Warren Farrell, Jim and Kathy Cover, Tony and Randi Escobar, Dr. Solar Farahmand, Dr. Mitzi Gold, Dr. Dennis Harper, Dr. William Hitt, Peter and Sarah Greenwall, Dr. Tom McNeillis, Dr. Gary Gordon, Ron Reid, Dr. Brian Turner, Harv Ecker, and Dr. Cynthia Watson.

I thank the thousands of people who have shared their personal experiences, concerns, and comments. Their enthusiasm with this material has motivated me and given me the confidence to write this book.

I thank my many friends and family members for their support and helpful suggestions: Robert Gray, Tom Gray, David Gray, and Virginia Gray, Darren and Jackie Stephens, Clifford McGuire, Ian and Ellen Coren, Martin and Josie Brown, Andrea and Reggie Henkart, Mirra Rose, Lee Shapiro, Gary Quinton, Russ and Carol Burns, Rhonda Collier, Rami El Batrawi, Sherrie Bettie, Max and Karen Langenburg, and Malcolm Johns.

I thank my parents, Virginia and David Gray, for all their love and support, and Lucille Brixey, who was always like a second mother to me. Although they are no longer here, their love and encouragement continue to surround and bless me.

INTRODUCTION

In the last fifty years, life has become more complicated. Longer working hours, intensified by grueling commutes and more traffic, the increased cost of housing, food, and health care, rising credit card debt, and the combined responsibilities of work and child care in two-career families are only a few of the sources of stress in our fast-paced modern lives. In spite of the new technologies designed to connect us, information overload and round-the-clock accessibility via the Internet and cell phones have reduced much of our communication to the equivalent of text messaging. We are stretched to the limit, with little energy for our personal lives. Despite increased independence and opportunities for success at work, we are often left with a sense of isolation and exhaustion at home.

The unprecedented levels of stress both men and women are experiencing is taking a toll on our romantic relationships. Whether single or in committed relationships, we are often too busy or too tired to sustain feelings of attraction, motivation, and affection. Everyday stress drains our energy and patience and leaves us feeling too exhausted or overwhelmed to enjoy and support each other.

We are often too busy to see what is obvious. A man will give his heart and soul to make enough money to provide for his family and return home too tired even to talk with them. A woman will give and give to support her husband and children and then resent them for not giving back the kind of support she thrives on giving. Under the influence of stress, men and women forget why we do what we do.

As I travel the world, teaching the Mars and Venus insights, I have witnessed a new trend in relationships linked to increasing stress. Both couples and singles believe they are too busy or too exhausted to resolve their relationship issues, and often think their partners are either too demanding or just too different to understand. Attempting to cope with the increasing stress of working for a living, both men and women feel neglected at home. While some couples experience increasing tension, others have just given up, sweeping their emotional needs under the carpet. They may get along, but the passion is gone.

Men and women have always had challenges in their relationships, but with the added stress of our modern lifestyles, these challenges have become bigger. With increasing stress in the outside world, our needs at home have dramatically changed. Without an understanding of our partners’ new needs for coping with stress, we can actually make things worse while trying to make things better.

Fortunately, there is a new way to understand and cope with rising stress levels. Instead of being another problem we have to solve, relationships can actually be the solution. Instead of coming home to a new set of problems and stress, coming home can be a safe haven of loving support and comfort. Understanding how men and women cope with stress in different ways gives us a whole new perspective for improving communication and successfully giving and receiving support in our relationships.

Good communication skills can bring men and women together, but when the increasing stress of our busy lives is added to the mix, Mars and Venus collide. Stress is a major contributor to why we fight, but the fact that men and women cope with stress differently is at the root of our conflicts. Though men and women are similar, when it comes to stress, they are very different. With increasing stress, these differences are intensified. Instead of facing life’s challenges and growing together in love, many couples drift apart to a comfortable but passionless distance, or are ripped apart by feelings of resentment, confusion, and mistrust that lead to explosive fights.

It is sometimes as if we are from completely different planets; men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Without a positive way to understand our different coping mechanisms, Mars and Venus collide instead of coming together.

Men and women not only respond to stress in unique ways, but the kind of support they need to relieve their stress is different as well. In every chapter of Why Mars and Venus Collide, we will explore the different ways men and women experience stress as well as the best ways to cope and support each other. My goal in writing the book is to provide you with a new way to understand each other and more effective strategies to create a healthy and happy relationship that will actually lower your stress levels.

The more aware we are of our natural differences, the more tolerant we become when and if those differences show up. Instead of thinking, What’s wrong with my partner? you are able to ponder what is wrong with the way you are approaching her. Instead of concluding that your partner is purposefully being inconsiderate, you can at least feel some comfort knowing that he is oblivious or clueless. Couples often have no real sense of how things affect each of them.

Accepting our differences can immediately lighten up our relationships. Many couples feel a heaviness in their lives, because they believe they have to sacrifice themselves to please their partners. This attitude needs to change.

Certainly every relationship requires making adjustments, compromises, and sacrifices, but we do not have to give up ourselves. Instead, we can arrive at a reasonable and fair compromise. Life is not about having everything our own way whenever we want it. We experience the opening of our hearts when we share.

When a plane takes off and flies on automatic pilot, it will arrive at its destination. Though the course seems perfect, it is not. At every point on its route, a plane’s course varies due to changing wind speeds and plane resistance. It is never perfectly on target, but it is generally moving in the right direction. A plane on automatic pilot constantly makes small adjustments to correct the direction.

Relationships are the same way. No one is ever perfect, but your partner can be the perfect person for you. If we continue to correct and adjust ourselves, we can create a lifetime of love. When we can own our mistakes and adjust our actions, we can reduce the tension in our relationships.

Without an understanding of our different needs, men and women are adjusting their actions and reactions to no avail. Our actions may be pointed in the wrong direction. My aim in Why Mars and Venus Collide is to give you the understanding and the techniques you will need to counter the disruptive effects of stress and to steer a true course to a lifetime of love.

We’ll begin by examining the dramatic new source of stress in our lives brought on by the shift in the roles of men and women. The increased pressure on women to work outside the home and the diminished potential of men to earn enough to be sole providers has shaken the foundations of our society. The complex mosaic of traditional roles and expectations for men and women, fashioned and refined for thousands of years, has been shattered, and we are still picking up the pieces.

Never before in history have we witnessed so much social change in such a short period of time. With equal rights, higher education, sexual liberation, and greater financial independence, women today have more choices to create a better life than ever before, but we are all more stressed at home. Never in history have women been expected to do so much, and that can be overwhelming on Venus. Of course, that stress is immediately transmitted to Mars and ends in misunderstanding, friction, and a sense of helplessness.

After looking at the change in the expectations in our relationships, we will review groundbreaking scientific research that supports the gender differences I have described anecdotally in all of my books. There are physiological reasons that women find comfort in talking about their problems and men prefer to retreat, or why women can multitask and remember everything while men focus on one thing at a time, forgetting everything else. I will give you an overview of the scientific research in easy-to-understand terms to show you how the brains and hormones of men and women are hardwired to respond differently to stress.

By examining how we behave differently in stressful situations, a woman’s never-ending to-do list, for example, I hope to give you new insights into how our diverse responses to stress cause us to clash. You will see how men and women really are different throughout Why Mars and Venus Collide.

Remembering and understanding our differences are only half the battle. The other half is about action—learning to cope more effectively with stress. This book aims to help you discover new ways to lower your own stress and help to lower your partner’s. Whether you are in a relationship or single, you will discover a variety of new and practical ways to improve your communication, uplift your mood, increase your energy, elevate levels of attraction in your relationship, create harmony with your partner, and enjoy a lifetime of love and romance. You will learn why communication breaks down or why your relationships have failed in the past, and what you can do now to ensure success in the future.

I will guide you through the anatomy of a fight and give you fail-safe techniques to stop a fight before it becomes hurtful and advice on how to make up. Even more important, I will teach you how to prevent fights from even starting by making Venus Talks a ritual in your lives that will relax Venetians and give Martians a sense of accomplishment with a minimum of effort.

Finally, I will suggest a variety of ways you can reduce stress in relationships by engaging in the world and reaching out to enrich your life. When you learn to cope more effectively with stress and remember the gender differences that are hardwired into our brains, you will blame stress, rather than your partner, for your problems. Instead of waiting for your partner to change, you will learn how to lower your own stress levels. When your stress is reduced, you will be freed from the compulsion to blame or change your partner. Instead, you will remember and experience the pleasure of loving and accepting your partner just the way he or she is, as you did when you first fell in love. Mars and Venus orbit around the sun on their own paths in harmony, just as men and women must do to create lasting love.

For additional support, join millions of others who visit me each week at my Web site, www.marsvenus.com. You can reinforce your new understanding of our differences by watching my free Internet TV show or listening to my radio show. On a regular basis, I answer your online questions on relationships and the biochemisty of health and happiness. In addition, to get extra relationship support regarding your personal situation at any time or place, either planned or when a crisis occurs, you can talk online or by phone with a Mars Venus relationship coach. You can also listen to our regular conference calls, in which I explore many strategies and resources to improve communication, lower stress, and enjoy better health, happiness, and loving relationships.

In addition, I invite you to join the Mars Venus Wellness Community on my Web site, where I give gender-specific advice for healthy nutrition and the cellular cleansing of your body. Just as adjustments in your behavior can make a big difference in lowering your stress levels, small but significant changes in what you eat and how you exercise can make a substantial difference as well.

As you read Why Mars and Venus Collide, I hope you share my enthusiasm and begin to talk about these new insights and resources with everyone you know. Together we can create a better world, one relationship at a time.

—John Gray, Ph.D., April 2007

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