Contents

Cover

Title Page

PART IV: Survivors

Chapter 19: Escape

Chapter 20: A Child in London

Chapter 21: Moving On

Chapter 22: Reunion

Chapter 23: Loss

Chapter 24: Redress

Epilogue by Katy Weitz

Further Reading and Support Groups

Acknowledgements

Exclusive sample chapter

Copyright

About the Publisher

PART IV

Chapter 19
Escape

It was two weeks before Christmas when I got up the courage to ask Sister Helen where I was being sent for the holidays.

‘You’re spending the Christmas holidays in England,’ she replied coolly. ‘With your sister Bridget.’

Oh my God! Grace was right. I ran straight downstairs into the kitchen, brimming over with excitement.

‘Grace! Grace!’ I beckoned for her to come closer so I could talk to her quietly. ‘Grace, you were right. I’m going to England for the holidays.’

‘You see,’ she smiled, her beautiful blue eyes crinkling in the corners. ‘I told you, Kathleen!’

The days flew past now and I was in a tumult of emotion. I was thrilled to be going to see my family of course, but nervous as hell. I would see my mother, I knew that. What would she be like? What would I say to her? Two days before I was due to leave Bridget called me on the phone.

‘Fergal will come to pick you up and take you over on the boat,’ she instructed. I remembered Fergal from all those years before.

‘We can’t wait to see you, Kathleen,’ she said before she rang off. ‘It’s going to be lovely having you here.’

On the day we all left most of the children were sent away before me. The house was very quiet. That morning I’d asked Sister Helen what I should pack in my small travelling case.

‘Just a few things,’ she said. ‘Don’t pack everything. After all, you’ll be back here in a few weeks.’

Yes, that was true. I wouldn’t be gone long so I only took a couple of pairs of trousers, a dress, a jumper and some underwear.

Now I went downstairs to find Grace, who was clearing the kitchen in preparation for the winter break.

‘I’ve got something for you,’ she said as I wandered in. She went to her large black bag that she kept in the corner and took out a white envelope.

‘It’s a Christmas card,’ she said slowly and deliberately. ‘So you’re not to open it until Christmas Day. Okay?’

‘Oh thank you, Grace!’ I said, jittery with excitement.

She looked at me long and hard then, tears filling her eyes.

‘Come here.’ She put her arms out to me and enveloped me in a long, warm cuddle. I hugged her back, but when I tried to pull back she kept me tight in her embrace. I started to laugh.

‘All right, you can let go now, Grace!’

Grace let me go and started dabbing at her eyes with her apron.

‘Don’t cry. I’m coming back, Grace!’ I told her.

‘I know, baby. I know,’ she sighed, turning away from me. ‘You will be coming back.’

With most of the children gone now, the house felt empty. I strolled into the garden where I saw Lucy still sitting on the wall. Any moment now Fergal would be here to pick me up.

‘I’m going soon,’ I told her as I approached. ‘Wanted to say goodbye and wish you a happy Christmas.’

Lucy was joining a family she’d been to many times before and so far everything had been okay there. But it still didn’t stop me worrying about her during the holidays. She was so fragile – she needed her family so much.

But Lucy didn’t say a word; she wouldn’t even look at me. She just kicked her legs against the wall and pursed her lips.

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked.

‘You’re going to see Mammy and all the others,’ she sulked. ‘It’s not fair. I don’t know why we can’t all go with you.’

‘Well, it ain’t my decision, Lucy.’ I shrugged. ‘Anyway, I’ll tell them all about you and maybe we can all go together for the Easter holidays.’

‘That’s if you come back at all,’ she shot me an accusatory stare.

‘What do you mean?’ I said. ‘Of course I’ll be back. Come on, give us a kiss goodbye.’

But she wouldn’t. So I quickly stood on tiptoe and planted a small kiss on the side of her cheek and left her like that. I didn’t know why she was so upset with me. It wasn’t my fault I was being sent away. Ah well, I was sure she’d be fine again when I saw her after the holidays.

The one person I hadn’t managed to see in the whole time since the incident with Colleen was Shane. There just hadn’t been a chance. Since we weren’t even supposed to be meeting up he no longer waited for me at the school gates and I hadn’t had the opportunity to get away on a Saturday to see him in the park. But word must have got to him about the beating, I reasoned. The children from the orphanage all talked to each other and I was sure he would have found out and understood why I wasn’t coming to see him. Never mind, I told myself. I’ll come back from the holidays and fix everything. After all, once I was back in St Beatrice’s it was only a matter of weeks before I turned 16 and then we could put our plan of running away together into action. Being sent to England now was even better for us – I would meet my family, have a chance to see them first and find out where me and Shane could live once we came over together. I was sad not to see him before Christmas of course, but for now I had enough to deal with. I was about to meet the family I hadn’t seen in years. I was about to meet my mother again, the woman I’d dreamed about and cried over for so long.

Fergal came to get me late in the afternoon and by then the only people left to say goodbye to were Sister Helen and Colleen. It was an unremarkable farewell with them both. Each of them simply said: ‘Goodbye, Kathleen.’ And that was that. Fergal picked up my case and led me out of St Beatrice’s. From the moment we stepped outside the front door, I felt a surge of freedom welling up inside me. I didn’t even give the place a backward glance. No, I was leaving for England where nobody would tell me what to do. I was free again!

But the long trip took its toll on my nerves. With every hour that passed I became more and more scared of what was going to meet me at the other end. What would they all look like? How would they treat me? On the boat I didn’t talk much. Fergal kept trying to start conversations but they all petered out into silence. I couldn’t speak at all. There was such a storm of emotion raging in me I couldn’t express a single thought. Some part of me felt inexplicably sad, though I couldn’t for the life of me work out why. I didn’t even ask him many questions – I would soon see the truth for myself.

It was early morning when our train pulled into Paddington, and the shock of my new surroundings was truly overwhelming. We were in London, a city I’d only seen in postcards or on TV. The place was swarming with people, busy people, smart people, all dressed up and click-clacking about with places to go in a big hurry. The buildings were vast, tall enough to obscure the sky. I saw the cinema, a beautiful ornate building in the middle of the street. And the lights! Oh, the lights were magical. The noise of the people, the cars, the buses and the general din came at me from every angle. It was truly an assault on all my senses.

By now Fergal was more excited than me, eager to be reunited with his family. He flagged down a big black taxi – a massive car that I’d only ever seen before in pictures.

‘Not long now,’ he grinned as we climbed in and gave the driver our address. ‘Our house is just ten minutes from here.’

I tugged at my long brown coat, suddenly self-conscious at my plain clothes. My nerves had now reached a critical point. I shook as we pulled alongside a small house with a black front door on a quiet street.

Stay calm, I told myself over and over. Just stay calm.

But it was near impossible. I knew that today I would meet my mother. What will I say to her? What do I call her? Will she like me? All these thoughts raced through my mind and I felt my head buzzing with confusion and fear. I was trying my hardest, but how could I possibly stay calm?

Bridget opened the door before we’d even walked up the small path to the house. She looked different from how I remembered her; older, like a fully grown woman.

‘Kathleen!’ she sang, opening her arms wide. She must have heard the cab pulling up. I hugged her shyly, awkwardly. She was my sister, my family, yes, but also a complete stranger. She welcomed me into her home and took my coat before leading me through the hallway to a small, perfectly neat and clean living room. Bridget always was a clean freak, I thought, noting the spotless carpet, the plumped-up cushions on the sofas and freshly polished cabinets.

Fergal gave her a big hug too and then, in a moment, a small girl appeared at my elbow, her shy, anxious smile matching my own.

‘This is Annie,’ Bridget said proudly. ‘My daughter.’

‘Pleased to meet you,’ I said formally. But Annie, who was five and cute as anything, didn’t stand on ceremony. She threw her arms around my waist and buried her head into my hip. Then she looked up, curious.

‘Are you my aunt?’ she asked inquisitively, her nose wrinkling at the tip. ‘You don’t look old enough to be my aunt. Are you from Ireland too?’

It was funny, she had an English accent and I couldn’t quite believe that she was Bridget’s own daughter. A child cried from somewhere upstairs. Bridget bustled out, reappearing a few minutes later with a bewildered little boy with dark hair sticking straight up on his head who had clearly been asleep just moments before. He was clutching a well-chewed blue toy elephant and leaning into his mother’s shoulder.

‘My son, Alfie,’ said Bridget. ‘He’s only just two.’

It was still very early, just gone eight in the morning, and Bridget offered us both tea and toast. Fergal tucked in, famished. We’d only had one meal since leaving St Beatrice’s – a soggy ham sandwich on the boat. But I refused the toast, I couldn’t eat a thing. Bridget showed me round her home – it had two bedrooms upstairs and I would be sharing with Annie. There was a living room divided by a pair of sliding doors and a kitchen leading to a small garden in the back.

Just as it was coming up to nine o’clock, the phone rang.

Bridget went to answer it.

‘Yes, they’re back,’ she spoke. I knew in that second it was my mother on the other end of the line.

‘You’re at the school now? Then you’re coming over? Okay, no problem.’

Bridget put the phone down and turned to me. ‘Your mother’s on her way over.’

I felt sick. I didn’t say anything. My heart was beating at a million miles a minute.

‘She has another family now,’ Bridget went on, putting me in the picture. ‘She met another fella and they’ve had two kids.’

I could barely take it in for the roaring in my ears. The time just seemed to fly by so quickly that the next thing I knew there was a knock on the door.

Oh my God! I felt light-headed. Maybe I was going to faint? My stomach dropped to my toes and I started to tremble.

In a second Bridget had opened it and I heard greetings at the door, my mother’s voice! I expected then to see the same woman I remembered from five years before walk in. But she didn’t. Another woman did.

This woman had my mother’s slim body and the same long blonde hair but there was something different about the face. She looked harder than my mother. She was pushing a child in a buggy who looked to be about a year old. I sat, rooted to the spot, unable to move.

‘Oh hello, Kathleen,’ my mother said, very casually, as if I’d only popped out for half an hour. ‘Did you have a nice journey over?’

‘It was fine,’ I managed to mumble. There were no big hugs, no kisses, no warm words or greeting, love or remorse. Nothing. It was as if I was a pleasant but completely irrelevant stranger.

Mammy plonked herself down on an armchair in the other corner of the room, next to Bridget, and began chatting away to her.

I was sat, hunched up on one corner of the sofa where there was clearly room for another.

Was that it? Nothing more? I’d waited all these years to see her, cried over her so many times, and that was all she had to say to me!

In that moment, in that very instant, my feelings for my mother evaporated. It was as if I had never loved her.

While she chattered away to Bridget, I surveyed her – the faded blue jeans, red chunky knit jumper and black pumps. She wore no make-up and looked far older than I remembered but I could see that people would think she was still slim and pretty.

During a lull in their conversation my mother turned to me.

‘Was the crossing all right?’ she asked coldly. ‘Was it rough?’

‘It was okay,’ I told her. God, this was awful. Awful!

I knew then that the mother I had lost all those years ago was dead, and this was a new one. One who didn’t seem to care for me or her children back in Ireland. They’re still there! They’re still your kids! I wanted to shout. Six more of your children locked up in dreadful institutions, being beaten, bullied and abused. In my mind I pulled up an image of each of my brothers and sisters in turn: Brian, Colin, Tara, Libby, Lucy, Riley. Your kids, Mammy! But I didn’t say it and she didn’t ask me anything about them. And I knew too that if I hadn’t been there, sitting right in front of her, she wouldn’t have given me a second thought either. I knew that now. I looked at her bored-looking child sucking mindlessly on a dummy in its buggy. Mammy had another family now. We didn’t matter.

Mammy stayed about an hour and a half that first day, not saying much to me at all, only occasionally looking in my direction. When she left she just waved me goodbye like she didn’t care if she ever saw me again. No kisses, no cuddles; we were strangers. I wanted her out as soon as possible. My feelings for her had been destroyed and all that was left was the bitter aftertaste of those long wasted years, wanting her back. When she’d gone I knew Bridget sensed something was wrong but she didn’t know what to say.

So I spoke: ‘That’s my mother then.’

‘Yeah, that’s your mother.’

And we just left it at that.

I played with Annie for a while in the garden and then Bridget told me something that made my heart leap with joy.

‘Tara’s on her way down,’ she told me. Until this moment I hadn’t even known Tara was in the country. I was so excited and happy at that moment. My sister! My beloved sister! It had been four years since I’d seen Tara and now I was giddy at the thought of being reunited.

When she walked in the house I could hardly believe this tiny, slim girl with long, long hair down to her hips was my sister. She was beautiful! We kissed and cuddled like mad. She had a baby too!

‘I’ve got so much to tell you,’ Tara babbled. ‘Oh Kathleen, I’ve missed you like crazy.’

Now I was the happiest person in the world. Tara lived a few streets away in temporary accommodation, a hotel, she told me. The baby was still just a few months old but you could never tell Tara was a mother – she was such a young girl herself and thin beyond belief. I had so many questions for her; we had so much to catch up on, but now was not the time. That day all my older brothers and sisters came to see, and each of them had kids, so the whole time we were surrounded by children. Liam and Aidan seemed happy to see me, so did Claire, who I hadn’t seen in ten years. She told me she had been in Dublin until she was 19 and then came to London to be with Bridget. She now worked in a hospice and had a boyfriend in London. It was lovely to catch up with everyone but all I wanted was to be alone with Tara. As she left that day she clasped my hands in hers and urged me: ‘Come to stay with me. Please come.’

Though I was to spend that first night at Bridget’s house, I knew it was only a matter of time before I would go to Tara’s. We had so much to catch up on, so much to say to each other. She had been smiling like mad all day long, but behind the smile I could tell something was terribly wrong. The way her eyes kept drifting off to stare into the distance, the way, every now and then, I’d catch her shaking her head as if shooing a bad thought out of her mind. And her body was thin, so painfully thin.

It had been overwhelming seeing everyone again and, despite my delight at being reunited with my family, they were still virtual strangers. Kind strangers, people who treated me like family, but they didn’t have a clue who I was any more. And I knew them even less. It would take time before we were all comfortable in each other’s presence again. So much had happened in the time we’d been separated. But I knew Tara. I knew my sister. And I knew for a fact something wasn’t right.

Chapter 20
A Child in London

‘Tara? What’s wrong, Tara?’ I’d been sent round to see my sister the day after my arrival. But when I got to the hotel where she was staying I found her sitting on the end of her bed, in her nightgown, her long dark hair hanging limply around her face, sodden and puffy from crying.

‘I don’t know,’ she said in a quiet voice, thick with tears. Her baby Sam was snoozing in his cot, peaceful and content.

I’d never seen such a beautiful baby!

‘It’s just all too much,’ she managed before collapsing back onto her bed and wrapping the sheets around her. I looked about me, the clothes everywhere, empty food packets strewn about the floor, unwashed dishes. I decided to set to work. So I started tidying up and cleaning their small room while Tara lay in her bed, occasionally letting out little whimpers as she cried.

Gradually, over the course of that first day, I found out that Tara had been in London just a few months before meeting the father of her child at a restaurant where they both worked. She had fallen pregnant so quickly it had been a shock to them both and they were trying to make a go of things – but Tara now seemed adamant she no longer wanted him in her life.

‘I don’t love him,’ she confided later that day. ‘I love the baby but I’m finding it so hard, Kathleen. It was all I could manage to come and see you yesterday but nothing could have stopped me. Nothing in the world. I’ve missed you so much, Kathleen. Stay with me? Please?’

I went back to Bridget’s that night and told her everything. She nodded and replied: ‘She’s got the baby blues. It’s probably best if you do stay with her for now. She needs someone to help her out.’

And that was that. I packed my small bag and moved into Tara’s room, sleeping with her at night, curled up together as we used to do as children.

To begin with, Tara barely spoke and hardly ate a thing. For the first few days she just lay in bed, occasionally getting up to feed or change Sam. I could see she adored her little boy, but it seemed everything was a struggle. At first Sam’s dad was living with us too but Tara told him two days after I arrived that she didn’t want him back again. He was shaking with emotion when he stood at the door, one hand on the handle.

‘Tell your sister that if I leave now I ain’t ever coming back!’

I looked over at Tara and she whispered: ‘Go! Just tell him to go!’

And hearing this, he turned around and left. From then on it was just me, Tara and the baby, and we soon got ourselves into a little routine, each taking turns to look after Sam. Gradually, Tara started to come back to herself, and one evening, while we were both sat watching TV, I managed to get up the courage to talk about what happened.

‘Tara, what did you do all them years?’

‘Oh, Kathleen, it was terrible,’ she started. ‘That morning they grabbed me they threw me in the car. I was screaming and crying. I didn’t know what was happening to me. When we arrived at the reformatory about 45 minutes later, a sister came out the front door and they brought me into this old building and said this was where I was going to be staying now. The Reverend Mother was there and I was just left in a room on my own, crying. I kept saying I wanted to go back to St Beatrice’s but they never listened. I didn’t understand it. I kept asking why I was there but nobody would tell me. The place was run like a prison.

‘From the moment we got up at 7 a.m. till bedtime it was the same. Get up, get dressed, go to church, back to the breakfast room, then cleaning up. Then it was school lessons for two hours and lunch. Then another couple of hours school and then I worked in the bakery for four hours every day, except on Saturdays when it was six hours, and the rest of the time it was cleaning, praying or eating meals. There was no time for anything else. Once a week we had to wash our own clothes by hand – even though there was a laundry right next door.

‘We did everything – we prepared our food, cleaned up after lunch, cleaned the dorms and the whole of the place. I used to cry over doing so much cleaning. In the house there were these glass doors and it was my job to clean them. I hated it. It was work, work, work all the time and no time to go out and play. Once a week on a Saturday they’d let us go into town with £1 pocket money but you didn’t get your pocket money if you didn’t clean your things right. And the worst part, the worst part was that we were locked in the whole time.

‘There were 12 of us girls there, and wherever we went they locked the doors behind us. In the dining room they locked us in, in the bakery we were locked in – everywhere. Even if we wanted to go to the bathroom they locked us in. In the whole time I was there I never opened a door for myself. Not once. All I kept doing was crying and thinking of you and the others. I missed you all like mad. I had bars on my window and at night I’d look through the bars to the sky and moon and think about you all endlessly.

‘Eventually, I realised they weren’t never going to let me out so I tried to escape. The second time I ran away it was me and four other girls and we went to Cork, but it didn’t take them long to find us. The third time I finally got away for good. I thumbed a lift all the way to Daddy’s, and when I got to the house Aidan and Liam were there too. Even Brian – I think he had been let out just a few weeks before.

‘I was there two weeks before the police came looking for me and when I opened the door I became frantic, hysterical and I was hanging onto the door and crying and screaming: “I’m never going back there. You can’t make me go back!”

‘Well, the police were shocked and I think they felt sorry for me because they said they wouldn’t take me in such a state. They said a social worker would come the following day to talk to me. So that night Aidan and Liam brought me over to England, and that’s how I escaped. I don’t know what I would have done if they’d sent me back there, Kathleen. It was awful.’

By now I was crying too – I felt so dreadful for my sister.

‘God, Tara. I’m so sorry!’ I wept. ‘It’s all my fault. If only I hadn’t told Sister Helen about what the daddy was doing to you all that time, maybe they wouldn’t have taken you away.’

‘Kathleen, I know it wasn’t your fault,’ she sighed. ‘Don’t blame yourself. It was them nuns – they were evil. They should have locked that daddy up in prison, not me. They don’t care about the children at all. I hate them. Hate them!’

She spat these last words with such vehemence I was taken aback.

She turned to me, her eyes burning with passion: ‘I don’t ever want to be locked up or told what to do ever again by nobody.’

‘Me too!’

‘We’ll stick together from now, Kathleen! They can’t keep us apart ever again and nobody will stop us doing exactly what we want!’

My heart soared – this is exactly how I felt too. Tara had clearly been through much worse than me in the years we’d been apart but we’d both come out with exactly the same feeling. It was only a matter of time now before I was free too and then Shane and I would come back here and live with Tara.

Tara was still battling her depression over Christmas at Bridget’s but I helped her as much as I could and every day she got a little better. By early January my thoughts had returned to the convent. I was back at Bridget’s house one afternoon and, as I helped her wash and dry teacups in the kitchen, I said: ‘It’s been lovely being over here with you and the others, but I suppose it’s time I should be going back soon.’

Bridget put her head to one side and looked at me, quizzically.

Then she said slowly: ‘But Kathleen, you’re not going back.’

‘What do you mean? Why am I not going back?’

‘The nuns didn’t send you here for a holiday, they sent you for good.’

I was shocked. It never occurred to me that I wasn’t going back to the convent, that I wouldn’t see Lucy, Colin and Libby again.

I had to be certain: ‘Are you sure, Bridget? Are you really sure I’m not going back?’

‘Positive.’

Some part of me wanted to be happy – this was what I’d dreamt of for so long: freedom. But I couldn’t be happy. This wasn’t how it was meant to be! I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my siblings alone in that awful place. And now I knew I’d never see Shane again. I ran upstairs to Annie’s room and locked the door behind me before bursting into tears. Why hadn’t anybody told me? Why had they pretended it was just a holiday? I didn’t understand – I hadn’t had a chance to make any plans, to say goodbye even to my own sisters!

If only I’d known, I could have fixed everything. Now I realised why I’d never been punished for beating up Colleen – this was my punishment. Maybe they’d planned to send me away all along, but, in choosing not to tell me, they denied me the chance to make things right with the ones I was leaving behind. It was so cruel, so cold.

Suddenly, something occurred to me. I went to my bag and dug out the card Grace had given me. I’d forgotten it was there but now I tore open the white envelope. The picture on the front was a posy of violets and roses. As I opened it up, £40 fell out. I stared, disbelieving, at the money in my hand. English pounds! She had changed her own money into pounds!

‘To my dearest little Kathleen,’ the card read. ‘I hope you find happiness in your life and may all your dreams come true. I love you very much. Goodbye for now but I hope we will see each other again one day. Your ever adoring Grace.’

Even Grace had known I wasn’t going back there. Now I started to sob great big, snotty, heaving sobs. I would never see my beloved Grace again!

For a few days afterwards I felt low and sad. My mind kept returning to the ones I’d left behind in St Beatrice’s. Now it was Tara’s turn to cheer me up.

‘Don’t worry, Kathleen. It will be Colin next and then after that the others will come. It won’t be long and then we’ll all be together again.’

It was true – this was a new life for me now and I had to get used to it. Of course it didn’t stop me missing them, or Shane, but for now I had to adjust to a new world. There was too much to think about here for now – for one thing, we had to find a way to support ourselves.

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