This is a story for every woman who has a best friend...

Bailey Watters and Koralynn Mitchell consider themselves “sisters of the soul.” Their circumstances growing up couldn’t have been more different; Kora came from a wealthy, privileged family, while Bailey’s home life was hard. They’d do anything for each other. “I’d give you a kidney,” they always say. There are no secrets between them—until there’s one secret Bailey can’t share.

This is a story for every woman who’s been in love.

Danny Brown is the only man Kora’s ever wanted, ever loved, and her marriage seems as flawless as everything else in her life. Bailey, however, doesn’t want a husband. She does want a baby—but only by IVF. And the perfect donor, the perfect biological father, would be a man like...Danny.

What happens when love and friendship collide?

Kora might be willing to give Bailey a kidney. But what about a baby?

The Friendship Pact

Tara Taylor Quinn

www.mirabooks.co.uk

Dear Reader,

I’ve written a lot of books. From thriller/suspense to romance, I’ve given you many kinds of stories. This one isn’t like any of them. It’s a story of heart. Of soul-searching. Of tough questions with no easy answers. It’s a story of relationships. Of friendship. It’s the story of two very different women who, as children, make a pact to travel life’s journey together.

I had a friend just like Koralynn has Bailey. Or Bailey has Koralynn. Like them, we met when we were just starting school. We were connected, Siamese twins of the soul, from the very beginning. Whenever I was with “J” my whole world lit up like Disneyland. I’ve never understood why she brought such magic to my life, but throughout our growing up and into adulthood, she was more special than anyone else. I can remember sitting on a dirt road with her when we were about fifteen talking about our futures. I was going to write for Harlequin. She wanted to go into the medical field. We were going to attend the University of Michigan together. Room together. We were going to be godmothers to each other’s babies. And be old ladies together.

We didn’t make it to college together; the reality of out-of-state tuition got in the way. But she studied nuclear medicine. And I write for Harlequin. She stood beside me for the christening of my daughter, becoming an official godmother, and I did the same for her. We ended up at different ends of the country, but her presence in the world was a star in my heart, giving me strength beyond anything I would’ve had alone. I could do whatever I had to because I knew “J” was there to pick up any pieces; I knew she could always put them back together.

Until life handed us something tragically unexpected. My “J” was killed in a car accident fourteen years ago this summer. But she was right here with me, speaking through my heart, a voice in my head, as Koralynn and Bailey came to life. And as this book comes to you, my goddaughter is bringing her firstborn, a daughter, MJ (the “J” is for her mother), into the world, a reminder that love—connection—never ends....

I’m delighted to hear from readers. You can reach me at www.tarataylorquinn.com. And I’d love to hear your stories of friendship!

Tara

Dedication

To Jeanine Lynn Hall Clayton, you are my wind and my stars. To Buzz and Tanya Gonzales, congratulations on that new little spirit who will fill up your hearts with more love than you can imagine. And to Megan Jeanine Gonzales, welcome, little one. I know your grandma sends you to us!

Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-Four

About the Author

Copyright

Chapter One

May 1997

“You asleep?”

“No, are you?” I guess the question was kinda dumb, but Bailey and I...we had our own code. It meant she needed to talk, and I was ready to listen.

“Uh-uh.”

When she didn’t say anything else, I started in. “It’s going to be okay, you know.” Her mom, who was drunk a lot, was getting another divorce, but Bailey would be fine this time. Neither of us liked Stan, her stepfather.

And my mom and dad would make sure Bailey was okay. Just like always.

Too bad they weren’t Bailey’s parents, too.

My one dark spot in life.

“No, it’s not, Koralynn. It’s not going to be okay.” Bailey’s voice sounded stern, even in a whisper. Not like she was going to cry. That I could deal with. It sounded more like...foreboding. I’d just read that word and now I understood exactly what it meant.

“You said that when you found out Brian had cystic fibrosis,” I reminded her in a calming whisper. Bailey adored her older brother. Her only biological sibling. I did, too. Brian was cool. And doing pretty well now that they knew what was wrong with him.

She flipped over on her back next to me in my queen-size bed, holding down the covers on both sides of her so the cold gusts of air didn’t get in. “He’s never going to have a normal life,” she whispered back. “Or have kids, either.”

“He’s alive.” At first they’d thought he wasn’t going to make it. “You said it wasn’t ever going to be okay again when your mom and dad got divorced, too.” Five years ago. We’d been ten at the time.

“And I was right.”

“You survived.” And we’d had a lot of great times since then.

“Yeah, and my dad lives in Florida and I hardly ever see him.”

I wasn’t doing so hot here. So I tried again.

“Your life is harder than mine, Bail. Your mom, with her drinking... It’s not fair and sometimes I feel so guilty....”

“Why? It’s not your fault.”

“I know, but look at me.... My folks are the greatest. We have a nice house and...” Wait, I was supposed to be making my best friend in the whole world feel better, not worse.

“It’s just...I don’t know why I get all the luck,” I told her. “You deserve it way more than I do.” All our lives it had been like that. And it wasn’t fair.

“It’s how life is, Kor. Different things happen to different people and we don’t know why. I mean, look at Brian. Cystic Fibrosis is a genetic disease, and both our parents were carriers so either of us could’ve gotten it. I didn’t. He did. Go figure.”

I shuddered, remembering those weeks when Brian had been so sick and they’d found out what was wrong and Bailey had to go through testing, too. We didn’t know if she was going to turn out to be sick and maybe die, and I could hardly stand it while we waited for the news. Bailey’s mom and dad were already not getting along, her mom was drunk all the time, it seemed, and they’d just found out about Brian. So no one really had time for Bailey. That was when Bailey had first started staying with us—more than for just a sleepover—and that night before we got the test results, Mom stayed up with us, sitting on my bed, one arm around each of us.

“Your folks were great, weren’t they?”

They’d promised Bailey they’d make sure that if she was sick, she’d get the best care available. They’d promised her they’d be there with her, every step of the way.

Mom was a stay-at-home mother, so she was always there—and Daddy, who worked in top management at a software firm, made enough to take care of one more if he had to. Besides, there was the money he’d inherited from his own father.

Bailey was fine, thank God. And now she had three drawers in my dresser and a lot of her clothes officially hung with mine in the big walk-in closet that used to hold shelves for all my toys.

We’d carted those up to the attic for my babies—when I was married and everything—to play with someday.

“I can’t believe my mom did this,” Bailey said now. “I mean I get why. Stan’s a jerk and she should’ve left him a long time ago, but for her to go and have an affair...”

I couldn’t believe that part, either. Not even with Bailey’s mom. Why make Stan madder? He’d found out a couple of days before and now Bailey’s mom had a black eye she wouldn’t go to the cops about and Stan was threatening to leave her high and dry with no alimony or furniture or car or anything.

“Stan seemed so nice in the beginning,” I said, shivering a little as I pictured the bearded man who scared the shit out of me.

“He’s fine until he starts drinking.”

“It sucks that he hid the whole recovering alcoholic thing until after they were married.” At least Bailey’s mom had been upfront about her own relationship with the bottle.

“And the hitting thing, too.” Bailey’s whisper changed.

Sitting up in bed, I stared down at my friend, my sister, the other half of my soul. “He didn’t hit you, did he?” I asked, ready to hit back. Funny, most times Bailey was the stronger one of us—the one who fought our battles. My job was to tend our wounds.

Or go to my parents to do it for us.

“No,” Bailey said. But she turned her head toward the wall and I was mad and scared all at once.

“Bail?”

I thought I saw a tear slide down the side of her face into the pillow. Leaning over her, I pushed her dark hair away from her eyes and said, “Bailey, tell me what he did to you.”

“It was nothing.”

My heart was pounding. “Bailey, tell me.” And then I was going straight to Mom. She’d know what to do. Where to go for help, even if Bailey’s mom wouldn’t call the cops.

“He...tried to kiss me.”

I could hardly breathe. I was freezing and frightened and... “Tried?”

“He was drunk and I kneed him in the you-know-where and ran.”

“When was this?” And why hadn’t she told me?

“This afternoon.”

Oh, God. And I’d been thinking her dark mood all night was because her mother had been caught having an affair with her boss—a partner in the law firm where she worked as a paralegal—and was getting a divorce as a result. We didn’t know if she was also going to lose her job.

“You were only home for a few minutes,” I said now, trying to wrap my mind around a world that had just completely changed.

“He came into my room when I was getting the red dress from my closet,” Bailey said. I’d been running errands with my mom after school and we were picking Bailey up to spend the weekend with us on our way home. My folks were taking us to a dinner theater in Pittsburgh the next night to celebrate the end of the school year. Bailey and I had both made the honor roll; I had straight As and she had all As and one B.

And we’d decided to wear the red dresses Mom had bought us for a Christmas dinner show we’d gone to last winter.

None of that mattered now. But it was what I wanted to think about.

She sniffed and I rubbed her shoulder. “Tell me everything,” I said. We stuck together. No matter what.

Bailey sniffled again. I swallowed, trying to hold everything in for her sake, but then I started to cry, too.

“The dress was on the top bar...” Her words were kind of hard to understand, all clogged up with tears, and still in a whisper. But she wasn’t sobbing. I almost wished she was. Sobbing came and went. These tears, they seemed like they could just keep coming and never stop.

I’d never seen Bailey like this before. Should I go get Mom now?

“I reached up for it....”

I could picture her there, inside the opened closet door—a single, pressboard thing, not like the solid wood double doors on my closet—her arm raised.

“I didn’t hear him come in....”

I rubbed her shoulder some more. I wanted to cover my ears like I’d done as a kid when Mom was telling me my grandmother had died. If I didn’t hear, I didn’t have to know and it wouldn’t be real.

“He came up behind me....”

I couldn’t stand the pain I heard in her voice. “It’s okay, Bail. It’s okay.” But it wasn’t. I had a feeling things weren’t ever going to be okay again, just like she’d said.

“He grabbed my breast....” She began to sob then, and I reached down for her, pulling her into my lap. I cradled her, rocking back and forth, whispering to her.

Neither of us had ever been touched sexually before.

We’d talked about what our first times would be like. A lot, lately. She’d heard it might hurt and asked me what I thought. So I asked Mom and she’d said it often does hurt the first time, but not always. And that it also could feel incredibly good if the man and woman were in love and took care with each other.

Bailey and I had talked about that a lot, too. About what “took care with each other” meant.

We hadn’t reached a conclusion yet, but one thing I knew for sure—the moments she was describing had nothing to do with “taking care.”

“I’m here,” I said, running my fingers through her long dark hair, hating a world that would allow such a horrible thing to happen to such a sweet, beautiful girl. “I’m here.”

We were a pair. What happened to her happened to me. We’d made that promise when we were kids, when we’d still been young enough to believe the world was fair and good.

I listened to her tell me how her drunk stepfather had groped her, shoving a hand inside the waistband of her jeans and down, slobbering all over her neck while he fingered her, before he’d turned her around to kiss her fully and she’d jabbed her knee into his dick and run.

He was a dick. And he was going to pay.

* * *

“No. No. Can’t do it,” Papa Bill stood in the Mitchells’ fancy tiled foyer as Bailey and Koralynn came downstairs together just before five on Saturday evening.

“Can’t do what, Bill?” Mama Di, Koralynn’s mom, sleek and slim and gorgeously blonde, her spiked heels clicking on the tile, walked up behind him. With him in his black tux and her in the body-hugging red silk dress, they looked like Bailey’s perception of Hollywood and they were her welcoming committee. Hers and Koralynn’s.

“I can’t possibly take these two out in public with us,” he said, his face serious. Koralynn paused. Papa Bill’s eyes had that look in them like they got when he was teasing.

Bailey stopped for a second before continuing her princess descent, her high heels sinking into the plush carpet on the stairs. After crying half the night and arguing the other half, she’d finally gotten Koralynn to promise not to say anything about what her stepfather had done the day before. But Koralynn had agreed, only because she knew it would be his word against Bailey’s and that Bailey would be dragged through humiliating shit for probably nothing, and because Bailey’s mom was leaving the jerk, anyway, so Bailey wouldn’t have to deal with him after this.

“What’s wrong, Daddy?” Koralynn was right beside her again, lacing her arm through Bailey’s, like she’d carry the world for both of them. And smiling down at her father.

Koralynn had said they weren’t going to let Stan ruin this night. But it was too late. Koralynn was still Koralynn, all pure and innocent and wondering about the mysteries of life. Bailey wasn’t. Not anymore.

And that was just one more thing separating her from the best friend she loved more than anyone else on earth.

“Look at you two,” Papa Bill said, not a hint of smile in his voice. “You’re far too beautiful! An old man like me can’t be fending off all the guys who’ll be trying to get your attention.”

“You aren’t old, Daddy.”

“And you won’t have to fend them off, either,” Bailey said, grinning even though it hurt, as they reached the bottom of the stairs. “’Cause Koralynn and I will just turn our noses up at them.”

If Bailey had her way, she and Koralynn wouldn’t even look at guys until they were in college. Or later. Guys were just...well, more trouble than they were worth.

But Koralynn was already falling into the trench. And falling hard. For a guy in their sophomore biology class. Danny Brown. He had the hots for her, too. Bailey could tell. It was only a matter of time before the two of them hooked up. By her guess, it would happen during the summer.

And maybe, if Koralynn was lucky, she wouldn’t get hurt. Maybe she’d find out that she didn’t really like Danny as much as she thought before he moved on to the next girl.

Or got too possessive.

Or made her have sex with him.

Bailey shuddered. She didn’t want any guy touching her. Not when it left you feeling dirty and gross.

“We’re more interested in getting our driver’s licenses, Daddy,” Koralynn was saying as she leaned forward to kiss her father’s cheek.

Koralynn had been working on her old man since Christmas, getting him ready to accept the fact that she was growing up. And going to need a car soon.

Lord knew, Bailey wouldn’t be getting one, so they really needed Koralynn to.

“It’s still four months before you turn sixteen, Kor,” Mama Di said. “Give your father a break for the night. I’m not sure he can handle looking at you in heels and makeup and thinking of you behind the wheel of a car.” Mama Di was smiling at the husband she still obviously adored.

And Bailey wondered how they did it, how they’d stayed married for twenty years and didn’t hate each other.

But then, she wondered a lot of things. Like why someone as cool as Koralynn Mitchell wanted her, Bailey Watters, for a sister.

Chapter Two

October 2001

“Come on, Bail, wear the black sweater we got last weekend. You know you look too hot to touch in it.” I held it out to her. The very expensive long, thin sweater was one of a number of garments we shared. We’d both chipped in for it—me from my allowance, and her from the money she made working in the college agricultural building three days a week.

“It’ll be perfect with those new jeans. They’re tight all the way down to your ankles. And with your wedge sandals...” I put my free hand to my lips and made a kissing gesture in the air.

“You wanted to wear it for homecoming.” Arms crossed, Bailey faced me in the middle of our dorm room.

“Yeah, but then I remembered this.” I grabbed a tie-dyed gauze number Mom had sent home with us the last time we visited.

“Danny’s already seen it.”

“Danny’s already seen everything underneath it, too,” I reminded her with a wicked grin. “Besides, he’s going to be paying more attention to a leather ball a bunch of guys are passing around than he is to me.”

I didn’t really believe that. Danny Brown might love the game of football enough that we’d decided to attend Wesley, a smaller college about an hour from home, rather than Penn State, when he got the Wesley football scholarship. But I always came first with him.

I had no worries there.

Bailey eyed the sweater. “You want to wear it tonight,” I said, handing it to her. “You know you do.”

“You just want me to wear it because Jake’s here,” she said.

That was the problem when your best friend had been your best friend since you were five and you lived with her and shared all your secrets, too. I didn’t even have to say a word and Bailey knew what was on my mind.

“You like him, Bailey.” That was the flip side; I knew her just as well.

“And you want me to marry him. Regardless of what I want.” Her tone was accusatory.

If I didn’t love Bailey so much, I’d have grown weary of this topic long ago. I’d have given up. But I did love her, more than almost anybody, so...

“I want you to have what you’ve always wanted, Bail. A home of your own, with a family who loves you and stays together.”

I had that family, had the promise of it continuing in my future, too, with Danny, and hadn’t done anything to get it or deserve it. Hadn’t had to work for it. Bailey, on the other hand, spent half her life watching her mother’s back, texting her brother, Brian, every hour to keep his spirits up, keeping in touch with stepsiblings and making sure she was part of her father’s life—and the other half watching out for me and trying to please my mom and dad. And I sensed that she still felt alone a lot of the time. No matter how connected my heart was to hers.

“You want me to have what you want,” she said softly, implying that she didn’t want what I wanted or what I had. But I knew her.

She did want what I had—a secure and loving family. Parents she could count on. A nice house, one that wasn’t filled with chaos and fraught with tension. Not only did she used to tell me that, it was why she’d practically moved in with me when we were kids.

I wanted to tell her that actions spoke louder than words, but I didn’t. Bailey was well aware of what I was thinking. And I felt convinced that I was right about her deep-down craving for a family of her own.

Letting the sweater dangle toward the ground, I gently squeezed Bailey’s shoulder with my free hand, looking deeply into those striking brown eyes, letting her look into my eyes—my soul—too.

“All I want is for you to be happy, Bail. And sometimes, you put up roadblocks.” I chose my words carefully. No matter how deeply you knew someone, sometimes words could hurt. Sometimes you reacted to them, got defensive and lost the truth along the way.

“I can’t help it.” Those brown eyes were wide open to me and my heart just about burst. Bailey’s hurt was my own. Like we were Siamese twins of the soul. “Your life...your heart...it’s always been protected, Kora. Mine hasn’t.”

In a flash I remembered Bailey’s whisper in the night five years ago, when she told me what Stan had done to her. And then had an instant replay of the day, our freshman year, when the sorority we’d pledged chose me and not her because my mother was an alumna, and hers hadn’t even attended college. They hadn’t said so, of course. Nor had they commented on the roughness around Bailey’s edges—a natural defensiveness—but I knew that was the real reason they’d shut their door in her face.

Mom, an active alumna, had called our advisor, of course, and Bailey was in, too. And now in our junior year, she chaired the Charitable Works Committee, which was so Bailey. But those protective walls around her heart had thickened and sometimes that scared me.

I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. Other people didn’t know Bailey like I did.

Not even Danny. He didn’t get why I was so close with someone who seemed so cold.

But in some ways he was like Bailey. Needing a family to call his own. His folks were divorced, too, and Danny was kind of forgotten sometimes.

I’d tried to explain things to him. Over and over again. And Danny’s and Bailey’s inability to become real friends was all that kept me from accepting the secret proposal my high school lover had issued over the summer. Up on my special mountain, just outside town—the place I went when I needed to think. I wanted to marry Danny. Even more, probably, than he wanted to marry me, which was saying a lot based on how many times a week he begged me to make it official so all the other guys would know I was permanently taken.

But Bailey and Danny were still resisting each other, and I couldn’t go without Bailey. We were family. And that was that.

“But you like Jake,” I said now as Bailey, obviously restless, turned her head, glancing toward the closet. “Really like him,” I added, in case she thought this was one of those times I’d let her get by with less than the complete and painfully open truth.

Her head swung back toward me, and she stared silently. An acknowledgment that I was right. I could hear her and your point is? as clearly as if she’d said the words aloud.

“He likes you, too, Bail.” Most guys had the hots for my best friend. All of them wanted to have sex with her. They were attracted to the body; they just shied away from the person. But Jake...he saw beyond Bailey’s tough exterior to the sensitive, lonely and totally compassionate heart that beautiful, apparently cold exterior protected.

I wasn’t sure what it meant that Danny’s best friend understood Bailey way better than Danny did.

“I’m not going to date him.” Bailey’s face had stiffened, her voice adamant. “He’s over an hour away, and you saw how well all those girls at Penn State knew him when we were there last month.”

The three of us, Danny, Bailey and I, had gone home for the weekend and to be on Jake’s team at his frat’s annual fall kickoff.

“I didn’t notice Jake paying attention to anyone but you.” The guy was besotted with Bailey—not that he didn’t talk to other girls. He was twenty. Gorgeous. And Bailey wouldn’t grab him up.

“I’m not getting involved with anyone. I’m going to law school,” Bailey said, pulling a pair of blue jeans off the hanger and putting them on. It was the pair she’d said would go with the sweater because of the black stitching on the pockets. The pair that she always wore with the wedges I’d mentioned.

“But if I did want to date someone, it wouldn’t be a guy who’s an hour away and has girls falling all over him. Might as well put a Be Unfaithful to Me sticker on my forehead.”

She was dressing up for him, though. When Bailey grabbed the sweater out of my hand, I wisely kept my mouth shut.

* * *

June 2003

Bailey pasted on her best happy smile and started down the aisle, both hands clutching the plastic bouquet holder bearing red, white and yellow roses to match the gold gown she and Koralynn had chosen for the maid of honor. It was as close in style to Koralynn’s white gown as they could get and Bailey figured it was as close as she was ever going to get to a wedding gown of her own.

The roses’ scent wafted up, reminding her of the summer Koralynn and her parents, Mama Di and Papa Bill, had taken her with them on vacation to Hilton Head. The resort grounds had been full of roses.

Step. Pause. Step.

Debby Boone’s “You Light Up My Life” played through the sound system, resounding in the rose-decorated church as Bailey walked in slow, rehearsed steps toward the white-robed minister standing just in front of the altar. All eyes were on her. She could feel them.

Her cheeks hurt from the effort it was costing her to look so happy.

It wasn’t that she was unhappy. She was excited for Koralynn because Danny was crazy about her.

Step. Pause. Step.

He was standing up there to the left of the preacher, about as handsome as a guy could be with his muscled shoulders and football receiver long legs, wearing the black tuxedo she and Koralynn had picked out for him. His eyes turned her way as he gave her a distant—though she knew sincere—smile before his gaze moved past her. He looked like he was almost shaking with nervous anticipation as he waited for his bride to appear.

Bailey wasn’t sure why she and Danny had never been able to bond. Was it him? Her?

Lord knew she’d tried to be open with him. For Koralynn’s sake. Bailey would do anything for her best friend and she knew that her lack of closeness with Danny bothered Koralynn.

“And...fill...my...nights...with...”

Step. Pause. Step. She didn’t miss a beat. Koralynn and Danny had been sleeping together since the night of senior prom when Bailey, as class president, had crowned them king and queen. For a second, Bailey’s admittedly frozen heart warmed as she thought of her friend’s joy anytime Danny was around.

Step. Pause. Step.

Bailey’s gaze traveled from Danny to the man standing beside him, a couple of inches taller, a little lankier, but missing nothing in the looks department. Jake’s hair was a bit shorter, a bit more styled, than Danny’s. His eyes, though, were a lot more mysterious—probably hiding the jokes he was telling himself about everyone there.

Jake Murphy, Danny’s best friend.

He stared at her, his face expressionless.

They’d done it, too. Had sex. That same night. It hurt. He’d wanted to try again. She hadn’t. Until that damned Homecoming weekend her junior year at Wesley...

Step. Pause. St—

Passing the fourth pew on the bride’s side, Bailey saw her mother. Alone.

Stumble.

Her mother had married again after Stan. The guy from her firm, the one she’d had the affair with. But after the first year, he’d become a judge and she’d spent more time going it alone than with her husband. And the more she was alone, the more she drank.

It was always like that. Things started out great.

Step. Pause. Step.

Then after the wedding, that aura faded into familiarity. And bills. Responsibility and compromise. Wants denied. Arguments. Morning breath and flu. And then one day husband and wife couldn’t stand each other.

She reached the first pew. Mama Di’s smile was blissful—and she was looking right at Bailey. Her gaze told Bailey that Mama Di thought she was beautiful. Inside and out. It told her she was loved as only a mother could love a child.

Bailey smiled. She hated the trembling in her lower lip.

Step. Pause. Step.

And turn.

The “Wedding March” began.

Chapter Three

I couldn’t believe it! It was finally happening! In a few short minutes I was going to be Koralynn Brown. Mrs. Danny Brown. I supposed I should be nervous. Mom told me I might be. That I could get scared and start to worry about all the changes that were happening so quickly. College graduation. Bailey going to law school. My first teaching job. And now, marrying Danny and moving into our own place.

But I wasn’t nervous at all—unless you counted the irrational fear that the world would end before I could make it down the aisle. Or there’d be a fire. Or one of us would get deathly sick or in a car accident or...

“You ready, baby?”

Daddy’s voice had an unfamiliar quiver and he squeezed my hand. I glanced up at him and for a second there, I did panic. I was getting older. Which meant Daddy was, too. And Mom.

“I’m just getting married, Daddy,” I whispered, alone with him in the vestibule at the back of the church. The “Wedding March” was supposed to play one stanza before we started up the aisle, to give everyone a chance to stand before I appeared.

We’d been talking about the ceremony for months. And had rehearsed the whole thing the night before.

“It’s not like I’m leaving town, or anything,” I said, still looking up at him. “And it’s not like I’ve never lived away from home. My college dorm was way further than Danny’s and my house is.”

He smiled. Nodded. Patted my hand.

And had tears in his eyes.

I got all choked up, too.

The second stanza started.

“I love you, Koralynn Mitchell,” Daddy said, taking the first step forward. “You might be exchanging my name for his, but you’ll always be my baby girl.”

“You love Danny, “ I reminded him, on the next step. But I think I was asking for confirmation, too.

“’Course I do, baby,” Daddy said. “I’m just being a silly old man, having trouble giving up my girl.” We were at the door to the sanctuary.

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily,” I told him, clutching his elbow for all I was worth. Mom had worried that I might stumble in my shoes. I hardly even knew I was wearing the four-inch spike heels. I’d taken years of ballet, so walking on the balls of my feet came naturally.

“I’m proud of you, Koralynn,” Daddy leaned over to say as we walked through the door and the music swelled. “You’ve made my life perfect...”

The way I figured it, Mom and Daddy had given me a perfect life. So perfect that sometimes I worried that something bad would happen to spoil it all. Obviously I was prone to irrational worries...

I smiled as Daddy and I started up the long aisle, excited and a bit uneasy, too, as I met the eyes of so many people I’d known my whole life. Everyone I loved was in that room. Would we ever be together like this again?

For a happy occasion?

My gaze sought Bailey’s. She was up there waiting for me. Jake was up there, too. Waiting for Bailey, or at least that was my theory. And I hoped my best friend would find the strength to open her heart to him before he moved on.

“You made a good choice,” Daddy leaned over to tell me.

I nodded. Smiled. And then I saw Danny. We’d talked about whether his tux should be brown or black. His shirt gold or rose colored. I forgot all of it as I looked him right in the eye and knew that my life was just beginning.

I wasn’t marrying this man because my parents liked him. Or because, as Bailey said, he was crazy about me. Plain and simple, I was marrying him because I couldn’t imagine life without him.

October 2008

Hands trembling, I sat down on the cold hard chair next to my best friend, took her into my arms and held on.

“Oh, my God, Kor. Oh, my God.” Bailey’s voice was muffled against my neck.

“I’m right here, sweetie. And I’m not going anywhere.”

Bailey’s older brother, Brian, accompanied by his state-supported part-time caregiver, was on a flight up from Florida, but wasn’t due for another couple of hours. Which left Bailey and me alone in the ICU family waiting room.

“Oh, God, Kor, I didn’t...I had no idea....”

Nestling my face against her hair, I spoke just above her ear. “There’s no way you could have known,” I said. Bailey’s mother’s life had been like a roller coaster since before Bailey was born. Who could have predicted that this latest divorce would cause her to...

“He was a judge,” Bailey said. “How could I possibly think she’d win against a judge?”

“You trusted the justice system,” I told the woman who was currently ranked at the top of her class in her last year of law school.

“This is the man who used his power to get out of paying every single contractor they’d hired to remodel their house. Threatening those companies, saying he’d cause difficulties from the registrar of contractors, was wrong. And that’s only the beginning of his duplicity,” Bailey said. “But he wins.”

She sat, seemingly staring at nothing, her expression more vacant than I’d ever seen it. Worse even than the night she’d told me about Stan, the pedophile asshole who should be in prison for what he’d done to her.

I thought, for the hundredth time, that I shouldn’t have promised Bailey I’d keep her secret. I should have told Mom. Should have known that Bailey would need counseling, at the very least. Instead, I’d helped her lock herself deep inside and now, all these years later, I feared she’d never find her way out again.

“He had her arrested for driving her own car,” she reminded me.

“It was in his name.”

“But she’d had exclusive use of it since they’d purchased it,” she said. “And he’d never told her she couldn’t continue to drive it after they separated. Sending his deputy after her was clearly a misuse of power.”

Which didn’t matter at the moment. What mattered was that Bailey’s mother was on life support, lying in a hospital bed a few doors away, because she’d attempted suicide earlier that evening.

“He’s going to pay for what he did.” I offered her what I could.

“He’s a judge, Kor,” she said again. “He doesn’t just know how to work the system. He is the system. And he’s connected to everyone else who’s part of it, too.” Bailey’s voice sounded dead. But at least she was talking.

“By law he’s held to a higher standard, not a lower one,” I said.

Bailey sat up, the expression in her eyes bleak. “And who’s going to prosecute him? An attorney who’ll have to appear before him? An attorney whose paying clients will be facing him at some point in the future? Because it’s damn sure that my mother, a five-time-divorced paralegal who has a history of problems with alcohol abuse and has had numerous affairs, including one with this very same judge, hasn’t got a chance.”

“It was the right thing to do, to report his misuse of power. To report the contracting debacle.” I clung to the one time Bailey’s mother had had enough backbone to stand up for herself.

Because Bailey had stood behind her and guided her all the way, and I wasn’t going to have my friend beating herself up about it.

I clung to what I knew was right. What Bailey believed was right. And I clung to my friend, giving her every ounce of strength I had.

“Anyway, when I said the judge was going to pay, I wasn’t talking about paying in a court of law,” I added softly as the silence ticked slowly by. “The one thing he’ll never be able to escape is his own karma. Somehow or other, he’ll pay for this....”

An hour passed with no sight of the doctor. No further word. We were waiting for them to stabilize her so we could see her. Bailey and I walked down the hall for cups of weak, machine-dispensed coffee. At half past midnight, we were the only nonemployee, nonpatient people in the waiting room.

“Danny probably wants you home.” Bailey’s voice sounded loud in the corridor as we walked back to our seats for the umpteenth time.

Hard to believe I’d been married for over five years. Seemed like five weeks. And forever, too. Danny was my life. Danny and Bailey.

“He wants me right where I am,” I told her. He’d offered to come to the hospital with me, but I knew Bailey needed me there alone. And he’d been fine with that. Bailey had been in my life longer than he had.

Danny might not be close to Bailey, but he didn’t ever get in the way of our connection. He respected its sacredness. Half an hour later, our coffee cups empty, we moved from chairs to the couch farther back in the room. Bailey’s shoulders were drooping, her long dark curls falling limply around her face. Putting my arm around her shoulders, I pulled her against me. Danny had already called the sub line for me, requesting a substitute teacher the next morning.

“We’ll get through this,” I assured her. “You and me. Together.”

“I know.”

“I love you, Bail.”

“Love you, too.”

* * *

With her head on Koralynn’s shoulder, Bailey contemplated sleep—the same kind of sleep her mother had embarked on when she’d taken an overdose of sleeping pills eight hours earlier.

The kind where you didn’t have to worry about waking up.

And there was the difference between her and Mom. She thought about it. Mom did it.

“I should’ve been with her,” she said. Mom had called. Wanted to meet for dinner. Bailey had a moot court competition in the morning and had put her mother off in favor of preparing to win the case. She wasn’t just vying for grades; a win could give her the positioning she’d need to get on with a reputable firm as soon as she graduated.

Or could have given her. There was no way she was going to the competition now.

“You were with her all the time, Bail.” Koralynn’s voice wafted over her. And Bailey listened. After two years of law school, she trusted people less now than she ever had, except for Koralynn. But she still believed in Koralynn. Believed Koralynn.

Her best friend, and maybe Mama Di and Papa Bill, seemed like the only people left on earth who still honored the truth.

“I could tell by her tone of voice that she was struggling.”

“She was always struggling. You held off going to law school right after college because she’d just found out the judge was having an affair and she thought she was getting divorced. You took money from him for your first year of law school because she begged you to—so she could prove you were all one big happy family. Then last year when they separated you took her to live with you. You’ve spent every weekend with her for months. And some evenings, too. You’re in your last year of law school, with more on your plate than most of us could manage, and you think you haven’t done enough? She should be giving to you, Bail. Maybe that would take her out of herself a little. She’s your mom—you should be able to expect help from her, not constantly feel guilty for not giving her more!”

“I should never have encouraged her to file that complaint against him.”

“She did the right thing. It’s the judicial commission’s mistake that they ruled unethically. Besides, that was six months ago.”

“Yeah, but she never got over it.”

“Which is why you helped her write a request for reconsideration. And she could talk to the reporter from Political Times. Or go to Channel Six, since they do exposés. She has a lot of options.”

Like moving away from Pittsburgh, for one.

“I should’ve known tonight was different.”

“How was it different, Bailey? She’s been at the end of her rope for more than a year. For most of our lives, it seems. I’m sorry to sound harsh, especially now, but it kills me to see you try so hard and then lose so much of yourself because she doesn’t come through. Her journey is hers, and she probably does her best, Bail, but what I see is that you do everything for her, ask nothing for yourself, and then feel like you don’t do enough.”

Bailey told herself she should sit up. Hold the weight of her own head.

“I want you to promise me something, Bail.” Koralynn’s voice sounded more serious than usual.

“Of course. Anything.” She could give Koralynn everything she had for the rest of her days and never be even.

“Promise me that if you ever need anything, you’ll come to me. Promise me you’ll ask me for it.”

“Of course.” She always had. Didn’t Koralynn know that?

“Because I promise you, from the depths of my soul, that if there’s anything I have that you need, no matter what it is, I will give it to you.”

“You know that’s how I feel about you, too. Right?” Bailey asked, although she couldn’t imagine that Koralynn would ever need her in such an elemental way.

“Yes.”

“I’d give you a kidney,” Bailey said into her friend’s shoulder—something they’d started saying back in high school, when a classmate of theirs had donated one of his kidneys to save his father’s life. They’d spent long hours talking about the gruesome details of the sacrifice, the pain and inconvenience, the danger, and decided it was the supreme act of love.

“I’d give you both kidneys, Bail. I swear to you. You are not alone.”

But an hour later, when the doctor came out to tell them that Bailey’s mother had died from the overdose of painkillers she’d consumed the previous evening, Bailey had never felt more alone in her life.

Chapter Four

May 2009

“You want a drink?” Jake Murphy, dressed in a designer black suit with a red silk tie knotted perfectly at his starched white collar, slid an arm around Bailey’s waist as he came up behind her.

“I thought you’d never ask,” she told the man who’d escorted her to so many functions over the years she’d lost count of them.

“Tom Collins?”

Her drink of choice back in college—because it hadn’t tasted like alcohol. Not that she’d shared that piece of information with anyone but Koralynn.

“Red wine.”

Judge Weiner, the man who’d been her mother’s sixth and final husband, was making his way toward her and, catching his advance out of the corner of her eye, Bailey slipped her arm through Jake’s and accompanied him to the bar.

“This is quite some shindig the Mitchells have put on for you,” Jake was saying.

Most of the students graduating from her law class were having parties, the majority thrown by their families.

“They’re the best,” Bailey said, instinctively looking through the crowd for Koralynn, who’d been by her side for most of the past year while she simultaneously grieved for her mother and completed her last year of a very grueling law program.

Weiner had stopped for conversation. And was still looking at Bailey.

Not seeing Kora, Bailey stood next to Jake at the portable bar set up by the pool. Mama Di and Papa Bill had chosen a lovely resort for the festivities. They’d invited her father, who’d sent a card, a check and some flowers, and Brian, who hadn’t been well enough to make the trip. But she had Kora.

She kept her back to the room, but she could still feel those eyes on her. Boring into her.

He reminded her of Stan. And for a second there, out of the blue, she remembered the roughness of Stan’s fingers in her pants. It wasn’t the first time she’d remembered. Wasn’t even the hundredth. She pushed the memory away with the familiarity of long practice.

Weiner didn’t give a shit about her. It was all about appearances—his acceptance by his deceased ex-wife’s only daughter, a young lawyer who couldn’t afford him as an enemy. Their small world would have talked if he hadn’t shown up. And although he hadn’t been invited—and would’ve known why—he would also have known that she’d never make a scene. Not here.

Just as Stan had known she’d never tell...

Bailey listened as Jake ordered her wine and a scotch sour for himself.

In high school, he’d been a beer drinker. In college, when the four of them had met either at Penn State or at Wesley, it had been Jäger bombs. Not until Koralynn’s wedding had she seen him drink scotch sours.

The judge, who’d financed his stepdaughter’s first year of law school, was getting closer. She could hear his booming voice.

Jake handed her a glass of wine and held up his highball. “Here’s to you. I’m proud of you, Bail.” His grin did that crazy thing to her, and for a second she was willing to lose herself in sensation. To lose thoughts of Stan to something healthier.

Until she heard the voice again. The fake, professional tone. With almost no resemblance to the biting demands it had issued at home.

“You feel like a breath of air?” she asked, leaving the bar and making a beeline for the pool outside. A hundred or more strings of little white lights gave the outdoor area a festive glow.

But before she made it to her goal, Bailey was stopped by a close friend of Mama Di and Papa Bill’s. A woman she’d known most of her life.

And then there was a couple from the church she’d attended when she spent the weekends at the Mitchells’. Jake joined in the conversations and in some private ones of his own. A steady presence by her side. She wondered if he’d recognized Weiner. If he was purposely keeping himself between her and the older man.

It wouldn’t work for long. She knew the man. He got what he wanted. Always.

“He’s gone....” Koralynn’s whisper right behind her changed Bailey’s world yet again.

Bailey turned, that irritating lump in throat, but her friend was no longer there. A couple of seconds later, she caught a glimpse of Koralynn’s retreating back just as she and Danny greeted another one of their many guests.

As if on cue, Koralynn turned around and gave her a knowing look, and Bailey sent her a silent thank-you. Koralynn’s smile brought peace back to Bailey’s evening and she relaxed as she sipped her wine, hardly daring to believe that she’d really graduated from law school.

That all these people were there just for her.

When the Mitchells had purposely and deliberately failed to invite the judge, the only member of the currently seated Pittsburgh Superior Court bench not to receive an invitation, Mama Di and Koralynn and Bailey had suspected he’d show up anyway—to save face among his peers before whom he’d played the grieving widower. Bailey had assured them it would be fine if he did. She was going to have to face him in court eventually.

But it hadn’t been fine. It would never be fine. She might have to work with the man on occasion, but she would never forget or forgive the fact that he’d abused his power and killed her mother as surely as if he’d pointed a gun at her head and pulled the trigger.

Koralynn hadn’t said a word when Bailey said she’d be fine, but, as always, her best friend had known exactly how she felt.

And somehow she’d come through again, protecting her from the evils in her world. Whether Kora had actually asked him to leave, or had someone call him away on some pretext, she didn’t know, but she knew the Mitchells had been prepared; they’d handled the situation.

As Bailey walked around that magical-looking room, which was brimming with conversation and congratulations, the judge’s presence lingered. She finished one glass of wine and stopped at the bar for a second, wishing her mother could see her—could know that she’d really made it through law school. Know that her daughter would be everything she’d ever wanted her to be, everything she’d ever wanted to be herself. Bailey was going to live the dreams her mother had given up for her and Brian.

A second glass of wine became a third.

Thankfully Jake took his position of escort seriously and stayed beside her. He even asked her to dance, which he’d shied away from when, as a favor to Danny, he’d escorted Bailey to their senior prom. And anytime since, at college homecomings, or an evening at a club.

He’d been saved from escort duty during their high school junior prom because he’d had a girlfriend.

And from having to accompany her to a college graduation party for the same reason. Different girlfriend, though.

“I’ve got something to ask you,” he said, about four drinks into the evening as they danced their first ever dance together.

“Yes, you can have a ride home in the limo,” she said, unusually chipper with him. The Mitchells had rented a limo for her and Kora and Danny, in case they wanted to go to a club after the party.

“Danny already offered and that wasn’t the question.”

“What?” Her come-hither smile as she looked up at him, her arms looped over his shoulders, was alcohol induced. But damn, it felt good.

“Are you gay?”

Her come-hither went south, but her gaze didn’t falter. “Absolutely not.” How could he even ask? They’d had sex—more than once.

“I didn’t think so. I mean...I’ve...ah, forget it.”

He’d been her escort twice as often as any of Danny’s other friends over the years. She’d had her own dates, too, but among Danny’s crowd, he knew her best of anyone—apart from Koralynn.

“No,” she said, telling herself she wasn’t hurt. “You asked me if I’m gay. Is that what you think?” Okay, after the first time they’d done it she could maybe see him thinking that. But after that night at Wesley during junior year Homecoming?

“Hell, no!” He pulled her closer, leaving no doubt as to what he was thinking—right where men’s thoughts usually went.

“Then why ask?”

“It’s just...Danny wondered.”

“You’re asking for Danny?” Did her friend’s husband really believe she was attracted to women?

The thought was followed immediately by another. That she was attracted to Koralynn?

Was that what had created the walls between them?

Bending until his forehead rested against hers, Jake sighed. “I’m asking for myself,” he said. “We aren’t kids anymore, Bailey. I’d like to give us a try. For real. I said something to Danny and he said something about wondering if you were gay.”

“He didn’t ask you to check me out?”

“No.” The reply was adamant. “Not at all. He just didn’t want me to waste my time....”

She wasn’t gay. Not even a little. Not even tempted. She got turned on by guys.

She just didn’t want a full-time man in her life.

She also didn’t want her best friend’s husband to continue to hold her at arm’s length. She wanted to be close to him—because it would make Kora happier. She wanted to be a full-fledged, completely accepted member of Kora’s family, the way she used to be.

“I’m confused,” she said now, smiling again—but not as openly. “Are you asking me out? As in just you and me?”

It would be a first. She and Jake spending an entire evening alone, not as part of a group that included Danny and Koralynn.

“I’m bungling an attempt to do exactly that.”

Wine was good. Graduating from law school was good. Having a room full of people there to help her celebrate was good. The Mitchells kicking out the judge was great.

And Jake...was a definite turn-on.

“Would you like my answer now, or after you get around to actually asking?” If she hadn’t had so much to drink she wouldn’t have flirted.

“I think now.”

Koralynn would be thrilled. Danny might warm up to her. And Bailey...

“Then, yes, Jake. I would like to go out with you.”

For a while.

Just as long as he understood that she wasn’t like Koralynn.

Because Bailey didn’t do exclusive. Or believe in happily ever after.

Not even when she was drunk.

Chapter Five

March 2010

I drove as fast as I could, feeling that if I could get there quickly enough, I could prevent what had already happened.

I drove with the urgency of one who was watching a train about to wreck and couldn’t stop it, but couldn’t not try.

I drove because I didn’t know what else to do. My best friend was on a slow train to self-destruction and I had to save her.

I’d gotten out of school that afternoon, four days before spring break, when I got Danny’s phone call. He called me every afternoon within five minutes of the last bell, to ask how my day was and catch me up on his. As a financial analyst for a marketing firm, Danny’s hours usually didn’t fluctuate all that much, but he had to make a lot of decisions he’d talk to me about. And we’d discuss what we wanted for dinner, too. That Monday was different. Danny was calling to tell me he was meeting Jake, a certified financial planner now, for a drink after work. Bailey had just broken up with him and he was taking it hard.

I didn’t like the edge to Danny’s voice when he mentioned Bailey, but I understood his frustration. Jake had been on a crash course to nowhere for most of the past year while Danny and I watched our friends stagger through a relationship strewn with choices that weren’t exactly conducive to being lifelong partners. Needless to say, we were unable to prevent the inevitable disaster.

Still, I didn’t blame Jake and Danny shouldn’t blame Bailey, either. Yeah, she was difficult sometimes, but she’d been honest with Jake from day one. Even after she agreed to date him exclusively, she’d told him that it was only for the time being. That she had no intention of marrying.

I knew better, of course. Bailey wanted a family even more than I did, or as much as I did, and that was saying a lot.

But Jake pushed her, and that never worked. You had to let Bailey come to you. Let her make her choices in her own time.

Danny didn’t get the finer points of dealing with someone as complicated as Bailey. And he’d grown weary of my friend. Resulting in a couple of the biggest fights we’d ever had. One on Christmas night, of all times. Christmas of 2009 had gone down in history as the worst Christmas of my life.

After a big family dinner with my folks, including both of Danny’s parents, their respective spouses, and Jake and Bailey, too, Danny and I had gone home and spent the entire evening alone. In separate rooms in our three-bedroom house.

Jake had asked Bailey to marry him in front of the whole family. Which wasn’t something you did to Bailey. You didn’t put her on the spot like that. Publicly and without warning. And particularly when it involved something as far-reaching and personal as marriage.

Shocked, she’d said the first thing that had come to mind. No.

I cared about Jake. Cared that he was hurting.

But I loved Bailey. And knew that Bailey’s breaking up with Jake now, three months after the disastrous proposal, meant only one thing. That she loved him and was scared. So, just as Danny was meeting Jake, I had to get to Bailey.

I found her alone in the tiny office she’d been allotted in the family law firm she’d hired into even before she’d passed the bar exam the previous summer.

“You really should lock the door when you’re here alone,” I told her, wishing she wasn’t sitting there so prim and proper and lawyerlike behind the desk that was almost as big as the room. I wanted to give her a hug.

Because I could tell she needed one.

“Diane just left.”

I knew Diane Langdon, Mayer and Mayer’s receptionist, due to my frequent visits to the firm. Bailey had turned into a regular workaholic and more often than not, I had to drag her away to spend any time with her at all.

“All the more reason to lock up,” I said now, dropping down into the small leather chair across from her.

“We share the floor with the offices of two private security companies and the building has a doorman and a guard as well.”

People still walked in off the street, and creeps didn’t all look creepy. But I let it go. I had a different battle to fight at the moment.

Bailey pretended to study the brief open on her desk. I say pretended because I saw the way her eyes moved quickly across the page. Bailey was precise and deliberate in her study. Her eyes didn’t dart like that when she was focused.

But I gave her a second to pretend anyway. To prepare herself to hear me. She looked beautiful; with her dark brown hair and big brown eyes, Bailey would always be striking, but right now, she was in her prime. Her body was even more perfect than it had been in college—a little fuller, and yet not an ounce heavier. Her skin was soft with a hint of tan. I knew how fascinating she was to men—I’d seen their reactions. Which brought me to Jake.

“You’ve finally admitted to yourself that you’re in love with him.” I didn’t bother with any preamble. This was Bailey. And me. And as we got older, as we ventured separately into the world, into our own careers and societies, I realized, more than ever, the incredible value of our friendship. Of the instinctive way we understood each other’s thoughts and feelings. In a world of subterfuge and keeping up appearances, having Bailey in my life was one of life’s greatest miracles.

“Let it go, Kor.”

“I can’t do that.”

She glanced up then to catch me staring at her. Hard. I was wearing my “I mean business” expression. I was careful not to overuse it, so I reserved it for only the most critical situations.

This was clearly one. My husband and I were heading for another of our rare fights—over Bailey and Jake, as usual—but I didn’t care about that as much as I cared about Bailey ruining her life.

“You’re in love with him and it scares you, so you broke things off. You’ve been cutting off your nose to spite your face since we were six years old.”

She’d know exactly what I was referring to.

“You can’t still hold me accountable for saying I didn’t want to be your friend.”

“But the point is, you’re still doing it. You were afraid I’d only be your friend for a little while, remember? That I’d get tired of you.” Because she hadn’t lived in a beautiful big house like I had. Even back then, in our innocence, we’d recognized the differences between us. “You told me you cried yourself to sleep that whole weekend,” I reminded her.

“I’m not six years old anymore.”

“But you cried after you had lunch with Jake today, didn’t you?”

She’d reapplied her makeup. I could tell because she’d used the eyeliner she carried in her purse, which smeared more than the expensive department store liner she used at home. “He’s a nice guy,” she said, shuffling papers and folders as though she had an important court date to get to. Court had been out of session for more than an hour. “I hurt him and that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to avoid for most of this past year.”

“I know.” I could feel her pain on Jake’s behalf. Shared it, even. But I couldn’t worry about Jake, nor could I worry about Danny right now. Bailey needed me. At twenty-eight we were still young, but that wouldn’t last forever, and if she didn’t find the courage to live soon, she’d run out of time. “Tell me you don’t love him and I’ll drop this.”

“I’ve told him since day one, before day one, that I am not going to get married,” she said, dropping the papers and looking me straight in the eye.

It was a look that begged me to trust her. To support her while she made the choices she had to make.

That look had always worked on me. Until now.

“What happened?” I asked while I tried to figure out how to help her. Something was telling me that we were breaking new ground and I had to step carefully so I could help Bailey have the life she wanted. I’d known for a long time that I was the only person who really knew her. Everyone else, including my parents who adored her, thought she should be left alone to pursue her own course. But Bailey had made me promise, the night her mother died, that I’d never do that—never leave her alone in the hell of her own thoughts.

She’d been so good at convincing everyone that she was strong and capable and self-sufficient that I was the only one in her life who knew the real, bone-deep Bailey Watters. I was the only one who saw all her insecurities.

Jake was privy to some of them.

Which was why he’d held on for so long.

And would continue to hold on. I just had to get Bailey to ask him to come back to her.

Climbing Mount Everest might have been easier.

“Did he show you the ring?” I’d seen it—on Christmas Day, after Bailey had left and the rest of us tried to pick up the pieces of a meal gone awry. And again on Valentine’s Day. We’d double-dated with Jake and Bailey on an overnight trip to Atlantic City. Jake had been planning to propose and then get Bailey to an all-night chapel to seal the deal. Danny and I were to have been their witnesses.

Anytime he’d gotten close to asking, Bailey had preempted the request with one diversion after another until Jake, figuring that he was setting himself up for another rejection, had dropped it. The entire trip had been exhausting beyond measure. For all four of us.

“What ring?” The sharpness in Bailey’s tone told me I’d misstepped. Shit.

I held my tongue between my teeth.

“He bought me a ring?”

I tried so hard to read that dark expression on my friend’s face, but her signals were more scrambled than usual.

I was confused. And frightened. For both of us.

“Damn him,” Bailey said, throwing herself back in her seat, elbows on the arms of her chair, fingers steepled. Like a certain judge we’d both known used to do at the dinner table when he was displeased.

Not that I was going to tell her that. At least not then.

“What gives him the right to put this kind of pressure on me?” she said, her tone just short of biting.

“I’ve told him repeatedly not to build us into more than we were. I wouldn’t move in with him even when it looked like I wasn’t going to be able to make my rent last summer before I started getting paid. I pay my way when we go out. I make life decisions without consulting him....”

All things I’d heard Danny list, too. What Bailey saw as fair play, honesty, kindness, Danny saw as insults and grievances against his friend.

“But you love him and he loves you, Bail,” I said softly, wishing I could promise her that she’d never be hurt again, that her heart would be safe with Jake, that there’d be a happily ever after.

Her eyes narrowed as she studied me and for the first time I felt...less. Like I wasn’t as good as Bailey was, or as smart. I felt that way because she seemed to be looking at me that way. Like I was some kid who just didn’t get it. Some naive little girl who couldn’t see reality.

Bailey and I...we saw things differently a lot. Our different perspectives were part of what made our friendship so strong. But we were always equals. “Love isn’t enough.”

“It can be,” I said, struggling to get through to her. As we grew older, she’d also gained an ability to hold me at bay. Or her skin was thicker. Or something.

But I knew she was in there. And my job was not to give up on her. Even now, I didn’t doubt our connection. Or our commitment to each other.

“I saw thirteen clients today,” Bailey said, her eyes shadowed but completely dry. “Ten yesterday,” she added. “And I’ve got another eleven scheduled for tomorrow.”

She was busy. I understood that. Was proud as hell of her abilities. If she wasn’t such a great lawyer, the partners wouldn’t let her, the junior member of their firm, take so many cases.

“This isn’t about time, Bail. Jake understands your schedule. He works a lot, too.”

“Time wasn’t my point.” The anger in her eyes struck fear in my heart.

I was losing her slowly, hour by hour, day by day, Bailey’s spirit was evaporating and I didn’t know what to do. “I’m sorry,” I said. “What was your point?”

“These are all separation and divorce cases, Koralynn. Every one of these couples was in love. Do you think they started out hating each other? Disbelieving everything their partner said? Do you think they expected all their dreams to turn into ashes?” Bailey’s voice gained momentum as she spoke and the fear nearly choked me. “I’d guess that every one of these couples had romantic wedding pictures, Kor. They had magic and passion and love. They walked down the aisle, or stood before the judge, with the best of intentions, with the belief that they’d stay together for life.”

I wanted to argue with her. To find fault with her logic. Usually, when it came to emotion, I could find the answers. For both of us.

But not this time.

“I just can’t do it, Kor,” Bailey said, her voice sorrowful, but firm, too. “I’d rather lose Jake now, while we still care for and respect each other, then go through the months or years it takes for hate to set in. I don’t want to hate Jake, ever. And I can’t bear the thought of him hating me.”

I wasn’t the least bit surprised to find out that I’d been right. She’d broken off with Jake because she’d finally admitted to herself that she was in love with him.

The rest...I wasn’t prepared. Had no idea what to say to counteract her lack of faith. To reinstill lost hope.

Worse, I was scared now, not just for her, but for me. Danny and I, we’d had two horrible fights. I worried there might be a third that evening. Oh, I knew couples fought. Danny and I fought. But those two times weren’t the same. He’d said things, I’d said things...the words lingered there, between us, like a screen that had never been there before.

Was that what Bailey saw? What she was trying to avoid?

“My mom and dad don’t hate each other.” The words came out of my mouth as they occurred to me.

“I know.”

Okay. Good. We were on our way out of the muck Bailey had pulled us into.

“I think they’re the exception that proves the rule.” Her words sank us again.

I was getting desperate. So I asked, “What about Danny and me?”

Her silence left my ears ringing.

“Bailey?”

“What?”

“You don’t think Danny and I are going to make it?”

“Actually I do.” My friend’s smile was reminiscent of an eleven-year-old Bailey with an added decade of maturity. It was soft and vulnerable and completely sincere. “You’re blessed, Kor,” she said, her voice more than her words falling over me, around me, encompassing me in the bubble where only Bailey and I existed and everything would be all right. “Not all marriages fail,” she went on. “But let’s face it, my luck isn’t as good as yours and the percentages aren’t good enough for me to take the risk.”

“Why not?” Leaning forward, I pleaded with her. “Even one chance in a million would be worth the risk. Just to have that chance—”

She shook her head. “My chance would be more like one in a trillion,” she said. And before I could open my mouth to voice my vehement denial, she continued. “I’m not relationship material, Kor. I’m too cynical. And too analytical. I know too much. I expect too much.”

“You don’t expect anything at all.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” she said. “I just don’t trust people to meet my expectations.”

“What are you saying?”

“In a committed relationship of any kind—from business to...to the personal—I’d need those expectations to be met.”

Personal? The room was cold. I was cold.

“What about us?” I asked.

Her entire face changed. Softened. From the look in her eye, the tautness of her skin, the set of her shoulders...Everything about her suddenly relaxed. “You, my friend are my one piece of good luck. I have faith in us.” I started to breathe easier again.

“I’d give you a kidney, Bail.” My voice was thick with tears, but I didn’t have anything to hide from her. With Bailey I could be completely and wholly myself.

“I’d give you two,” she said in return, her eyes tearing up.

We were fine. With that bond strengthening me, I could do anything.

And that included helping Bailey trust in her own ability to love and be loved. I had my work cut out for me. Jake might not wait to be “the one.” But someday, somehow, I would be standing next to this remarkable woman as she promised to love and to cherish until death did them part.

Or some version thereof.

Bailey was going to have the family she wanted and deserved. She was going to have joy.

One way or another. That was my vow.

Chapter Six

“...aaanndd arm to the back, swing, keep your abdominals tucked in, pull up through your middle. Good and repeat....”

Lori Hildebrand, fitness instructor extraordinaire, snapped her fingers to the beat of the music as she walked through the rows of mats dotting the sprung wood floor of her studio. Bailey swung back, around, forward and down, rolling up through her center right on cue. Snap and back. Snap and around. Snap and forward....

Beside Bailey in their Thursday night class, Koralynn managed to make her movements look more like dance. Where Bailey was tight, Kora was loose.

Fingers snapped. Back. They were both flexible. Snap and around. And could both still tear up a dance floor. But Bailey had lost a lot of the expression in her movements. The heart and soul that used to emanate through her limbs because she couldn’t express them any other way. Snap and roll up.

“Good, three more times,” Lori called out to the twelve or so people spread across the room.

Snap and back. Bailey wanted to be able to express herself again. Or Koralynn was going to leave her far behind on their trek through life. Snap and forward. Oh, not as in desert her, of course. Snap and roll up. The one thing Bailey didn’t worry about was Koralynn deserting her. That would never happen. She was as certain as clouds in the sky.

Snap and back. And then around. In mental and emotional growth, Kora was light-years ahead of her. And if Bailey didn’t catch up soon, they weren’t going to be able to help each other. They weren’t going to be simpatico anymore.

“Good, last rep!”

Music swelled, as though in perfect timing with their exercises and Bailey let go of her thoughts for the moment. A rare experience these days. Losing herself in the music, she did what she was told.

* * *

“Okay, everyone, remember to listen to your parents, be safe, and have a great summer!” I spoke to the wriggling bodies that had taken over my classroom five minutes before the last bell rang on the last Friday afternoon of the 2009/2010 school year.

I pasted on a smile as the final seconds ticked past, my insides scrambling with a combination of their excitement and my own nostalgia. After nine months with the third graders I’d developed a sense of connection with them. I knew them. Their good and their bad.

And after today, they’d be all but gone from my life.

The second hand was almost at the twelve. After seven years of teaching you’d think I’d be better at this part. But letting the kids go seemed harder each year. With tears clogging my throat I called out, “Happy summer, everyone!” just as the bell rang.

“Bye, Mrs. Brown!” several voices chorused at once. And then several more in a confusion of words as the children lined up at my door pushed and shoved their way out of the room to the join the throng of kids walking as fast as they could out in the hall. Voices could be heard outside my window as the first batch of youngsters burst out into freedom—or at least into the waiting presence of mothers and school bus drivers who’d be taking them safely home.

Wrapping my arms around my middle, shivering in the blue pants and matching tailored blouse I’d pulled on that morning—I knew I should’ve brought a sweater because they kept the school so darn cold—I watched the children scatter, saw car doors open and close and—

“Mrs. Brown?”

Startled, I swung around. Mary Ephrain stood there, a little brunette with fine features and petite bones. She was also one of the biggest troublemakers I’d had all year.

“Yes, Mary?”

“I...can I have a hug goodbye?”

The tough little character stood there, all alone and looking so small in a classroom that had suddenly seemed to double in size now that everyone had left it, and I almost couldn’t hold back the tears that had been threatening on and off all afternoon. I reached for the girl and held her tight, hoping she got whatever it was she needed from me.

“You’ll come and see me next year, won’t you?” I asked her.

Mary nodded, her chin quivering. “Can I see you in the summer, too?” she asked.

“Well, I’d love that, but we won’t be here in the summer.”

The child nodded. And turned and ran out before I could ask her if something was wrong.

I made a mental note to myself to follow up with Mary’s mother, whom I’d met several times over the past year—not in particularly pleasant circumstances. There was only so much I could do, but making sure that the single-mother household was doing okay wouldn’t be too out of line.

At least not in my book.

“She’s a cutie.” The voice brought me out of my funk and I smiled for real as I watched Bailey walk up to my desk from the back of the room. Dressed as usual in a power suit, hose and heels, she looked impressive.

Accomplished.

I could hardly believe this was my Bailey. The best friend who used to fart in my bed and then laugh uproariously.

“She’s a handful,” I said, putting the last of my things in my duffel and slinging that, along with my bohemian-style tie-dyed purse, over my shoulder. Mary kind of reminded me of a younger Bailey.

I made another mental note to check up on the child once or twice over the summer, then did what I was supposed to do and tried to put the children behind me as I joined Bailey for our end-of-the-school-year girls’ night out.

Danny was in New York on business, something about marketing campaign money that needed to be allocated to a new supplier, and Bailey would be spending the night at my place. I couldn’t believe how much I was looking forward to the hours ahead. In spite of how much I missed my husband.

* * *

Bailey poured two glasses of wine and, turning out the kitchen light behind her, made her way to the guest bedroom in the three-bedroom bungalow Koralynn shared with Danny. They were in a suburb of Pittsburgh, a neighborhood of older but well-kept homes on large wooded lots.

At Koralynn’s urging, Bailey had actually just looked at a place in the same neighborhood, a little smaller, but with a pool in the backyard, and if all worked out well, she might make an offer on it.

In black flannel pants and a T-shirt emblazoned with pastel-colored hearts surrounding the word Believe, Kora was just coming out of the bathroom as Bailey approached.

“I didn’t brush my teeth,” Kora said. “Ruins the taste of wine. Even cheap wine.” Kora and Danny were doing fine financially, but they were determined to make it on their own without help from their folks. His dad was out of state anyway, and his mother’s new marriage wasn’t going well. And while Danny had already proven to be a gifted financial analyst—no surprise there—he was still in a junior position at the firm. And Kora’s public school salary wasn’t going to make them rich.

Bailey followed Kora into the guest bedroom and handed over one of the two glasses, holding hers up. “To you,” she said.

“To you,” Kora returned with a grin, clinked her glass with Bailey’s and took a sip. They’d had a couple of drinks at the club where they’d gone to dance for a bit after dinner, but the decibel levels had been too loud to allow for conversation.

And dancing wasn’t as much fun as it used to be either. Not when you’d worked all day and were tired and needed to have a private conversation with your best friend.

Glass in hand, Koralynn climbed onto one side of the duvet-covered bed—the side she’d slept on growing up—and sat cross-legged. “Okay, out with it.”

Bailey’s stomach started to churn. Like it always did when she was bothered or nervous.

“This isn’t cheap wine,” she said, her back to Kora as she paced the room for a second or two. She wasn’t surprised that Kora knew she needed to talk. She needed Kora’s buy-in. And was desperately afraid she wasn’t going to get it.

“You should know—you brought it.” Kora’s tone reminded Bailey of the way she’d heard her friend speak to her students backstage at the Christmas play the previous year. A combination of authority and affection.

It was a good thing Kor had third graders. Any older, and her kids would know she was a big pushover.

Bailey turned, looking at the glass of wine she held. “Oh, yeah.” She’d recognized the bottle when she’d seen it on the top shelf of the refrigerator.

“Mmm-hmm.” Kora’s eyes shone with a compassion that Bailey was addicted to. She could handle life. Could stand up to an abusive stepfather, a corrupt judge. And any asshole who tried to take her clients to the cleaners. But she could not live without that look of Kora’s.

Kora knew she was just stalling for time.

“You brought it last month when you came to dinner,” she said rather than calling Bailey on her rather stupid evasions.

She remembered bringing the wine. Because she’d wanted Danny’s approval. Or something. She’d wanted him to consider her worthy enough to have earned her place at the table. In the three months since she’d broken up with Jake, Danny had found many excuses to be absent whenever Bailey was around.

Like the business trip to New York that had suddenly come up after Kora had told him about Bailey’s invitation to go out and celebrate that night.

“Danny had already opened a bottle that night,” Bailey said now.

“One my folks sent home with us.” Kora nodded, sounding relaxed, as though they could talk about wine for the rest of the night. But her focused expression told Bailey she was waiting for more than wine conversation.

Or maybe Bailey was just reading her thoughts. Had Kora known that Danny opened the wine from her folks after he’d put Bailey’s bottle down in the cellar? Bailey had heard the cork pop.

But didn’t want to say anything negative about Danny. She didn’t even want to think anything negative about him.

He really was a great guy. Bailey just couldn’t seem to live up to his expectations of her. Hell, he’d rather lie than drink her wine. He’d hurt her feelings. And if Kora knew, it would cause problems between them. Which was why she hadn’t said anything about it then, or later. Kora and Danny were the perfect couple. Bailey needed them to be happy.

“You going to stand there all night or are we going to talk?” Kora’s glass of wine was half empty.

Bailey decided she should have brought the bottle in.

Setting her glass on the nightstand, Bailey settled onto her side of the bed, resting back against the headboard.

She took a deep breath. And another.

“What is it, Bail?” Kora leaned over, her knee pressing into Bailey’s, and grabbed her hand. “You’re scaring me.”

The change in her tone of voice increased Bailey’s own fears. She couldn’t lose Kora. And she couldn’t not move forward with her life, either.

“What?” Kora asked, giving Bailey’s fingers a hard squeeze. Turning over her hand, Bailey squeezed back.

“I...need your support on something,” she said, choosing her words more carefully than she usually did when speaking with her closest friend.

“Okay...Of course, if it’s important to you, you’ve got it.” The wide-eyed worry shining from Kora’s face was reassuring.

Maybe it really was that simple. Yeah, she was probably making a bigger deal out of this than it needed to be...

“I don’t think you’re going to like it,” she said now. Actually, she was certain Kora wasn’t going to like it. Kora jerked, and the wine in her other hand spilled. She didn’t even seem to notice. “You’re not moving away are you?”

“No.” Pulling a tissue from the box on the nightstand, Bailey dabbed at a wet spot on her friend’s thigh. “Of course not. I couldn’t leave you. You know that.”

“Okay,” Kora grinned. “Good.” She sipped her wine. “So, what’s up?”

“I want to have a baby.” Kora and Danny had been trying for almost a year and every month, when Kora was hoping not to have a period, and Bailey had lain awake at night praying for her friend’s fertility, she’d found herself feeling an emptiness of her own....

“A baby?” Kora frowned, shook her head. “You’re pregnant?”

“Not yet.” She sat forward, grabbing Kora’s hand in both of hers. She couldn’t do this without Kora. And she had to do it. “I realize this sounds sudden, but it’s not, Kor. I just...I know this is the right thing. Just like I knew law school was. You know how I am. I don’t care about a lot of things, but when I do, when I’m certain something’s right, it is.”

Kora, who was still staring at her, nodded. “But...a baby?”

Bailey nodded back. There were so many things she could say, about her heart, her life, her upbringing and her emptiness, but Kora already knew all that.

“You’re talking like after you get married, right?” Kora asked, but Bailey knew that her friend wasn’t really asking. She knew better. But was hoping, anyway.

Bailey shook her head.

“I thought you hadn’t spoken to Jake since March.”

Stomach churning again, Bailey said, “I haven’t.”

Hurt filled Kora’s eyes and then was gone. “I didn’t know you’d met anyone else.” There wasn’t any accusation in Kora’s tone, but...

“I haven’t!” Bailey quickly confirmed.

“Then you’re talking about sometime in the future...”

“No.” Bailey shook her head again, felt the effects of the alcohol she’d consumed, and reached for her wine glass, taking another sip. “I found a clinic that does artificial insemination,” she said in a rush. “I went there today, Kor, and this place is great. The people are great. The woman I met with was so supportive. She totally understood me, where I was coming from. She said I’ll need to consider everything carefully, including the fact that I’ll be bringing a child into the world, possibly a son, who wouldn’t have a father figure in his life, but I figured with you and Danny and Papa Bill...”

“You went to a fertility clinic?” Kora’s gaze wasn’t horrified, but it wasn’t pleased.

“Yeah. I have another appointment for next week and I want you to go with me, Kora. I told them you’d be there as my next of kin. They know about you and Danny and your folks and...”

“No, Bail...” There were tears in Kora’s eyes as she shook her head. Bailey hadn’t expected tears. “You can’t do this. Please don’t do this...” Kora kept shaking her head. You’re going to ruin your chances at the family and home you’ve always wanted. It’s like saying you don’t want to be my friend, and breaking up with Jake because you fell in love with him. You want a family, but this... You’ll be alone as a parent and—”

“I can’t do it without you.”

“I know. But I can’t... If you’d been in love and your husband died, or he was an invalid or even if you were gay, then fine, I’d get it and I’d be with you all the way. But this...” Leaning back, Kora put her wine glass down, then scooted closer to Bailey, leaning back against the headboard to pull Bailey over, holding her, Bailey’s head on her shoulder, as they’d done so many times in the past.

“You’re just scared because of Jake,” she said, her voice soothing. And Bailey wanted to sink into the comfort and go to sleep. To rest peacefully, as she’d done so many times at Kora’s house, with her friend close by to chase away the ugliness that always seemed to be on Bailey’s heels. Or to call in Kora’s parents when it was too big for the two of them to handle alone.

“You’re panicking and jumping into something....”

Was she? Kora knew her better than anyone. So maybe she had a point. But... “Just come with me,” she said. “If you still think I’m nuts, then I’ll listen to you, but just come with me to the appointment. Hear what they have to say....”

“Of course I’ll come, sweetie. I won’t let you down. I’ve always been there for you and always will. No matter what. And remember, Bail, I’m just keeping my word to you. I promised I’d always tell you what I see—just like I expect you to do for me. You know your insecurities can blind you, the same way my Pollyanna attitude sometimes prevents me from seeing clearly.” Kora paused. “Remember how scared you were when it was time to apply to law schools? You weren’t going to and—”

“My mother was divorcing a judge who was set on destroying her....”

“You were afraid you wouldn’t get in. And afraid that if you did, you’d fail....”

True.

“But I could see that. I knew how badly you really wanted to go. I knew what you really wanted and nagged you to fill out those forms.”

True again. “We filled out the forms together,” Bailey reminded her.

“Jake’s not dating anyone....”

Bailey’s heart leapt. She’d come so close to letting that man talk her into something she knew she’d regret.

She’d almost let him talk her into running away and getting married.

For a whole weekend, she’d considered the idea. Had let herself imagine what it would be like to be married to Jake and have it work out the way it had for Kora and Danny.

But then that Sunday night, facing work the next day, she’d complained about a partner at work and Jake had told her she could quit her job if she wanted to. He’d promised to support her if she wanted to open her own firm. And she’d heard the judge again, so clearly it hurt, as her mind replayed a conversation she’d overheard between him and her mom the night before they got married. He’d told her mom basically the same thing. Only for Mom it had been about going to law school. But when it came right down to it, he’d so lovingly and persuasively suggested that her mother didn’t need to waste time going back to school. He was perfectly capable of supporting them and she might not like the course as much as she expected or be as good at it as she wanted to be and...slowly, day by day, the relationship made in heaven had fallen apart.

Kora and Danny might make it forever. But if they did, they were the exception. Just like Papa Bill and Mama Di had been for their generation. In her experience, most couples who stayed together didn’t do it out of happiness or love. They did it because it was easier. Or for financial security. And their homes were filled with boredom. Or silence. So were their lives.

Unless they were unfaithful to each other and found a different life, a new life, outside the home.

She didn’t want it. Couldn’t take that chance. “Jake was asking about you.” Kora’s voice fell into the silence. “I’m sure I could...”

“No, Kor.” She was absolutely positive. She wasn’t going to make that mistake. No matter how much Kora wanted her to have her happily ever after.

She wasn’t an easy person. She got snippy. And had a tendency to be standoffish. She wasn’t good at trusting and no relationship survived without it....

“Okay.” Kora’s fingers running gently through her hair felt good. Safe. “You don’t want Jake, that’s fine. I totally respect that....”

And because she knew that Kora honestly and sincerely wanted what was best for her, as she did for Kora, because she knew, deep down, that they’d really truly die for each other, Bailey said, “It’s not that I don’t care for him, it’s just that...”

“...you’re afraid to get married.”

Okay, maybe she was. Or maybe she really wasn’t the marrying kind. Either way, the end result was the same. She was sure she didn’t want to get married.

And none of that changed what was most important to her now.

Bailey wanted to be a mother. A good mother. A child would complete her in a way nothing else—including marriage—ever would. And she honestly and soulfully believed that she could give a child a world full of love while bringing him or her up to be an asset to society.

She believed that.

Somehow she had to get Kora to believe it, too.

Chapter Seven

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I followed Bailey through the door of the fertility clinic Tuesday morning. All I knew was that time was running out—on my chances to save her from herself. Bailey deserved to experience the fullness of life, with the joys and the comforts and securities that a family of her own could offer her. She deserved a partner to shoulder every single care with her, to have her back and to have as much invested in the victories, too.

All her life she’d had to go it alone—except for me, of course.

And while I’d always be there for her, I couldn’t live in her home with her. I couldn’t get up for middle-of-the-night feedings or share the housework. I wouldn’t be able to hear the child cry out in the night, or be the one who stopped for milk on the way home from work. I couldn’t take turns with diaper changes and baths, or sit at the table every night and share in the joy of every first time. And who would there be besides me? I hoped I’d be present for some of them. The first step, maybe. Or first smile.

But... My mind was wandering.

Bailey had checked in and we were told to sit in a waiting room that was empty except for two other women.

“It’s not very crowded,” I whispered. “Don’t you think, if they were good at this, there’d be a lot more people here? A lot of fertility clinics are in it for the money. They prey on people who are desperate to have kids and—”

“They aren’t crowded because they’re careful not to schedule too many patients at once.” Bailey leaned over to whisper behind her hand. I’d worn pants and a matching jacket, just as she had today. I’d needed to feel as powerful as she always looked.

I was out to protect my best friend—maybe even save her life.

“They understand how nerve-racking this whole process can be and they do everything they can to make it as comfortable as possible, including guaranteeing that there’ll never be more than a five—or ten-minute wait.”

I opened my mouth to point out that the other two women didn’t look very happy, but the door opened before I got a word out and we were called back. With trepidation weighing down every bone in my body, I followed Bailey through the private door and down a lushly carpeted hallway, wondering if the two women who’d been there before us would be pissed that we got in ahead of them.

* * *

So, that went well...not. Bailey was quiet as she pulled out of the clinic’s driveway an hour later, but Koralynn’s silence was more acute.

“I need to do this, Kor.”

“I can see why being a single mother is a fine choice for some women.” Koralynn stared ahead, her hands on top of the brown Coach bag that matched her shoes.

Bailey liked her best in sweats. With no makeup.

She liked herself best that way, too.

“But, as the counselor said, some of those women have lost the love of their lives. You’re afraid to give love a chance,” Kora continued, her voice calm in that way that sounded as if carefully controlled emotion could bubble over any second.

It never did. It just sounded like it could.

“She also said not every woman has a ‘love of her life,’” Bailey reminded her, thinking back over everything Marybeth, the counselor, had discussed with them.

At first Marybeth had assumed she and Kora were partners, wanting to have a baby together. Kora seemed to take less offense at that misunderstanding than at Bailey’s wanting to go this alone.

More frustrated than she’d ever been with her friend, Bailey was at a loss as to what to say here. How to help Koralynn understand.

“Did you even listen to her, Bail?” Kora was asking in that same tone of voice. “She spent half an hour discussing the hardships of being a single mother. Which is why so few women willingly choose that course!”

Whoa, it was worse than she’d figured. Kora’s tone was rising. As close to yelling as Koralynn ever got.

“You aren’t one of those women, Bail. You have options. And time. Lots of it. We’re just twenty-eight!”

“You’ve been trying for a year,” she said, feeling petulant.

Disappointed.

And scared to death.

She was a lawyer. Had aced debate class. She could come up with motivation and justification, with winning arguments, for practically every situation.

In the car that day, all she could muster was, “I have to do this, Kor.” Rather than deterring her, the hour with the counselor, during which she’d heard exactly what Koralynn had heard—mostly the negatives—had only and oddly made her conviction stronger.

“I don’t think I have a choice,” she said. “Not if I’m ever going to be happy.” Some things were just clear without explanation. How could Kora not see that?

“If you do this, you’ll never know the happiness you might have missed out on.”

Bailey gripped the steering wheel, turning toward the restaurant they’d decided on for lunch, although she was no longer hungry.

She also didn’t want to leave Koralynn like this. They’d had their spats. Their arguments. But they didn’t ever stay mad at each other.

“I’m not you, Kor,” she said, not for the first time in their lives. “I’m not like you.”

Koralynn turned toward her then, a beautiful blonde men ogled wherever she went—a woman who was not only smart, but wise, too. Bailey could feel the warmth of her gaze.

“I know that, Bail, and if I thought for one second that this really was the choice that would give you everything you want, I’d be fighting to make it happen.”

Bailey felt the truth in her words. But...

“You have blind spots, too, you know.” She didn’t think before she spoke. Didn’t even realize what she was saying until she heard herself. “What if, this time, what you want for me really is what you want for me and not what’s best for my life?” Once the words started, Bailey couldn’t stop them. They’d been bottled up for so long; she’d refused to give them thought, let alone voice. But she wasn’t just fighting for herself now. his was about her child. “Face it, Kor, with you and Danny so tight, most of the things you’re involved in are couples things. We have Thursday-night fitness class. And anytime Danny’s on a business trip or working late, we get together. But otherwise, our lives don’t gel so much anymore. I miss you like hell and I know you miss me. I need more of you in my life and I know you need more of me, too.”

Her throat got dry, and she saw that Kora’s eyes filled with tears. “I do need more of you, Bail. So many times I look up to share something with you and you aren’t there. Danny’s everything I could possibly want him to be, and I am so in love with him, but he’s a guy, you know? He’ll never get me in just the way you do....”

The words were a huge comfort to Bailey, who’d been feeling so lonely during the past months—since she’d broken up with Jake. But Kora’s words also tied Bailey’s stomach in knots.

“What you need is for me to be half of a couple, too, so that we can do things together like we used to....”

Back when Kora and Danny could pair Bailey up with Jake. Or anyone else who was available for a night out. Back when another male body was all it took to complete the foursome.

Kora pulled back. “You think I’m saying all of this because I’m looking out for myself?” The shock in her voice reverberated throughout the car. And hurt like hell.

“Not purposely or knowingly, no.” Bailey had to stick to her plan. But she couldn’t lie to Kora.

“But you think it?” Koralynn leaned back against the door of the car.

“Can you tell me, from your heart of hearts, that there’s no possibility that I’m right?”

A glib answer, a safe or easy answer, couldn’t come from Kora’s heart of hearts. Bailey held her breath.

“No, I guess I can’t.” Kora’s shoulders slumped as her face fell.

And Bailey felt a new sense of hope.

* * *

I had plans to spend the summer relaxing enough so my body could do its job. Getting pregnant in other words. I wanted a baby so desperately.

I’d printed out calendars, brightly colored and decorated with little baby pictures, to log my daily temperatures.

I’d been looking at nursery decorating folders on Pinterest. I wasn’t sharing any of that process with Bailey. I was afraid to. What if my passion to have a baby pushed her further into her life of isolation?

But I missed her like crazy. She’d been right about that. I needed her. The same way she needed me.

I needed her no matter how she lived her life. I just wanted for her what I’d always known she yearned for—a family of her own. A home of her own. One that was as filled with love and acceptance and assistance as mine had been.

Bailey’s whole life had been lived one step removed. She always held a bit of herself back; that way, if there was failure or pain, it wouldn’t destroy all of her. Other than with me, I don’t think she’d ever been completely committed to another person. I’d felt her pain since the time we were in grade school. I’d spent my entire life intent on helping her get what she’d always wanted. What she’d needed and deserved. And now, when she was finally at the point where she could get it for herself, she was letting fear stop her.

“Think about it this way,” I told her on the phone late one night in June. Jake had been over for dinner and was still pining for Bailey. But he’d met someone. Bailey could be letting her last chance with him slip by. “A child is only a temporary fixture in your home. What about the rest of your life?”

“I’ve been living alone for a long time, Kor. I’m really okay with it.”

“Being okay with it and being happy are two different things.”

“I’m happy.”

“You’re settling.”

“I’m not you, Kor.”

“Of course not. And I don’t want what I want to get in the way. But I know you, Bail. And I know you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face here.” Again, I thought without saying it. “I’ve seen this so many times.”

“I don’t think so.”

The impasse between us was making me physically ill. So did I back down? Just give up?

People had been giving up on Bailey all her life. What if this was the critical time? The moment she needed me most? Did I have what it took to scale her walls and haul her over them? Was I even supposed to try?

Danny was in bed asleep, which was right where I should’ve been, except that I couldn’t stop thinking about Bailey. So I’d kissed my husband and left our bed to call my friend.

“I can’t stand this anymore, Bail. I feel that you need me to stay strong and help you see what I can see from the outside, looking in. But you could be right. Maybe I’m too focused on what I think you should do because I don’t understand you anymore.”

It hurt to say the words. But it didn’t change how I felt about her. “We’re no longer kids,” I said. “Life isn’t as easy as it used to be.”

And maybe, in spite of everything, we had grown apart.

“I need to have this baby, Kor, and I can’t do it without you. Without your support.”

She could. Technically. If something happened to me, Bailey’s life would go on. But I knew what she meant. I couldn’t fathom my own life without her, either. Did that make me selfish? Was I giving up on her because I wasn’t strong enough to fight her demons when she wasn’t capable of fighting them herself? Or maybe even capable of seeing them?

Sitting curled up in a wingback chair in my living room, I laid my head against the fabric and shivered, wishing I’d pulled my robe on over my nightgown. The night had been so warm earlier, Danny had thrown off the sheets.

I was tired. And headachy. And having my period again. All things Bailey would have known in the past. Things I’d have told her.

“Okay. Tell me I should trust you to know what’s best for you,” I said. Let me off the hook here, Bailey, was what my words felt like to me.

But I was willing to live with them if that was what it took to have my friend back. To be the friend she needed. Maybe all friendships faced this. A growing up. I swallowed back tears. Like I’d said, I wasn’t a kid anymore. I was a wife. Soon to be an expectant mother.

And I had more than most.

“I want you to be honest with me, Kor.”

“I’m always honest with you.”

“No, I mean, I want you to do exactly what you’re doing.”

“Giving up?”

“No.” I straightened as silence fell between us.

“You want me to continue showing you the way I see you...” I said tentatively.

“Yes.”

Oh, my God. So I wasn’t losing it. My mind. Or our deep connection.

“You don’t agree with me,” I said.

“I know.”

“You believe I’m thinking of myself and what I want.”

“Yeah.”

“So where does that leave us?”

“Right where we’ve always been, I guess,” she said, sounding tired, too, but better somehow. “We keep yakking until one or the other of us sees the light.”

“So you’ll wait to do anything until we’ve...reached a consensus?”

“Yeah. As long as we keep trying to figure out which of us is screwed up on this one.”

I swallowed again, so relieved to have my friend back.

“I love you, Bail.”

“Love you, too.”

I went to bed. And slept.

Chapter Eight

Over the next six weeks, Bailey and Koralynn had several calm conversations regarding artificial insemination for a single woman. Kora agreed that there were times when the process was a good choice, although she still liked the idea of both a male and a female influence in the formation of the child’s emotional and mental life.

Her objections were specific to Bailey. She remained certain that Bailey’s choice to be artificially inseminated was, in essence, a way of hurting herself, robbing herself of the ultimate joy and happiness that could be hers.

“You know, if you didn’t want to get married because you hated the idea of being tied to one guy for the rest of your life—or because you just didn’t like guys, I’d get it. But the problem is, you want exactly what marriage is supposed to provide—a life partner who will be with you every step of the way, no matter what.”

She couldn’t deny that. In theory. Trouble was, it was a pipedream. And she knew it. Even if Kora didn’t.

“It’s not marriage you don’t want, it’s failure. And so, because you’re afraid the marriage will fail, you’re robbing yourself of a chance to have it all.”

Kora was right.

But so was Bailey. For her, marriage would fail. For her, marriage would be a bad choice. Because she didn’t have what it took to make it work. Whatever you called it—a lack of faith, lack of belief, or plain crankiness, she was at least honest enough to spare some more guy a broken life.

And spare her children the same.

The more they talked, the more Kora objected to her proposed plan, for Bailey’s sake and the sake of the child, the more certain Bailey grew that artificial insemination was the only course for her.

“It’s because you know I’m trying to get pregnant,” Kora said as they were doing the dishes at Kora’s house one Friday night in July. Danny was out with the guys, and Bailey guessed that meant out with Jake, so she and Kora had plans to spend the evening hanging out in front of the TV. Bailey was already in the sweats she’d brought to change into after work.

“No, it’s not,” Bailey said now, rinsing plates for Kora to load. Her job had always been rinsing. Kora’s was loading and unloading. In the beginning, because Kora knew how her mother liked things done and where everything went. And later, just because they had their system established and it worked well. She had to trust that, somehow, this whole baby thing would work for them, too. “It’s because I’m positive I don’t want to get married, and because you’re right about part of this. What I want more than anything is a family of my own. You just don’t see that the only way I’m going to have one is to provide it for myself.”

Kora, still dressed in the jeans she’d worn grocery shopping and doing whatever else she’d done that day, paused, plate suspended over the bottom dishwasher rack. “You’re certain about that.”

Bailey met her gaze. “Yeah, Kor, I am.”

“Certain enough that you’re ready for me to back off? To support your decision regardless of how I feel about it? Because I will, Bailey. If you tell me that’s what you need.”

Bailey was all set to agree. But then she stopped. Kora knew her so well. Was there something she wasn’t seeing that her best friend could?

“We’ve always done everything together,” Kora said now. “Can you tell me that you aren’t suddenly feeling this acute need to get pregnant because you know Danny and I are trying?”

Yes.

No.

She couldn’t.

Kora was at least partially right. The acuteness of her desire to do this, the fact that she didn’t want to wait, might be because Kora was getting pregnant. Because they’d always said they’d raise their children together. Because she didn’t want to be left behind.

But the choice to have a child alone? That was Bailey’s true choice.

Wasn’t it?

* * *

I wasn’t just sitting around that whole summer trying to get pregnant and fighting my best friend’s attempt to—as I saw it—sabotage her life. I wasn’t focused all day long on changing Bailey’s mind about artificial insemination. Nor had I tried to set her up with Jake or any of the other eligible men Danny and I knew.

I was working on lesson plans for the next school year, making colorful bulletin board displays to accompany the upcoming major events over the next year, incorporating specific lessons into them. I painted our bedroom and the living room. Tried out new recipes for quick and easy meals that would come in handy when school was back in session.

I attended Thursday night fitness class religiously, and hoarded whatever other time I could get with Bailey. I drove in to meet her for lunch a few days a week—the days Danny had business lunches. She and I spent an entire Saturday at a new outlet mall, went to a couple of movies and she joined us for a Fourth of July barbecue at my folks’ house.

I had hot sex with my husband, went out on the town with him, both of us skipping the alcohol because I’d read that it could inhibit fertilization, attended several major league baseball games, enjoying the box seats his company had provided for us, and saw my parents and his mom, every chance we got.

And twice I drove by the small house rented by Mary Ephrain’s mother. I’d looked the address up online and could see from public records that it was a rental. I could see the landlord’s information.

The house had two bedrooms and at least one mother with three kids living in it. Mary’s older brother had been a student of mine in my first year of teaching and I knew there was another sister, younger than Mary.

The first time I drove by no one was home. I’d hoped that Mary had been off to visit grandparents for the summer. Or was on vacation at the beach. Both things I might have been doing had I been her age.

But spending the summer with grandparents and taking vacations at the beach didn’t usually produce troublemaking nine-year-old girls who asked their teachers if they could see them over the summer.

That last Tuesday morning in July, three weeks before school was due to start, and only two weeks before I was due back in my classroom, I saw lights on at the dingy little rental set in the middle of a block of similar houses. Pulling my Ford Mustang to the curb between an old mattress and what looked to be part of a bumper, I stepped slowly out.

I was glancing around, trying to take in a three-sixty while appearing perfectly calm and comfortable, all the while telling myself that nine-year-old Mary walked these streets every day. And if she could do it, I certainly could.

It wasn’t defaced with graffiti. There weren’t obvious criminals or gang members hanging out, leaning against trees. Scoring drugs.

A young mother walked a baby in a stroller across the street. Further down, a couple of preschoolers played on a porch that was blocked off with makeshift baby gates.

I could hear someone screaming.

The air smelled like stale onions.

With my mace key fob clutched firmly in one hand, I started up the walk. I probably should have texted Danny, told him what I was doing. But I already knew what he would’ve said.

Don’t. If you’re concerned, call the authorities.

I didn’t want to call the authorities. Not yet, anyway. I’d met Mary’s mother, who clearly loved her children and had been willing to do whatever it took to keep Mary in my class, despite the child’s problem behavior. It was also clear that she was doing whatever she could to hold her family together. I saw potential in the little girl, too, who got straight As when she applied herself. Mary’s older brother had been a conscientious child—old before his years, watchful of the other kids in class, too quiet maybe, but nice.

All the indications were that the family didn’t have it easy.

Having social services poking around might just tear the family apart. I raised my hand to knock and stepped back as the door opened before I made contact.

“Can I help you?” A man stood there, in (or wearing)black shorts and a short-sleeved denim shirt that hung over his waistband. He was clean shaven, with a mustache, and his hair flopped over his forehead above eyes that were peering at me suspiciously.

“I’m looking for Mrs. Ephrain,” I said, glad I’d worn my oldest jeans, a T-shirt and tennis shoes. At the moment, the last thing I wanted was to be taken for someone there in an official capacity.

Maybe I should have listened to Danny, telling me not to come. Well, if I’d actually told him I was coming. Or told anyone where I’d be...

“She’s busy. What do you want with her?”

The man didn’t raise his voice. There was nothing overtly menacing about his face. Still, I was...uncomfortable.

I tried to peer past him anyway. Like maybe I’d see Mary peeking around the corner, or her mother or brother in the background. “I actually just came by to say hi,” I improvised. “Are you Mr. Ephrain?”

“I’m Bud Lenowski,” he said.

I wanted to ask if he lived there. But I couldn’t figure out a way to do it without sounding like I was checking up on him. Why that mattered I wasn’t sure yet, but I knew it did.

“My name’s Koralynn,” I said, totally flying by the seat of my pants. “Would you tell Liza I stopped by?” Mrs. Ephrain and I had never addressed each other by our first names. Thank God I remembered hers from Mary’s records.

“I’ll tell her,” the man said and shut the door in my face.

* * *

Bailey was in one of the smaller conference rooms when Diane, the middle-aged receptionist at Mayer and Mayer, buzzed to let her know that Koralynn was in the lobby.

The difficult session she was in—a pretrial conference with opposing counsel, during which she’d hoped to work out an agreement allowing her client, the young mother of two, to move across state lines to be close to her parents, who wanted to watch the children for her while she finished her college degree—wasn’t going well. The soon-to-be-ex-husband had not kept a single one of his visitation appointments since leaving his wife for another woman three months before. But was blocking her at every turn as she tried to get on with her life.

Bailey’s mood lifted the second she knew her friend was there. Seeing that she was getting nowhere fast, she ended the meeting, waited just long enough for the attorney to make his exit, and then hurried out to Kora.

“What’s up?” It was summer so not unheard of for Kora to drop by if she was in the area. But the tight expression on her friend’s face sent Bailey into immediate fix-it mode.

“Can you take an early lunch?”

She had one more appointment that morning.

“Maybe. What’s up?” she asked again.

“I want you to go for a drive with me.” She told Bailey about her trip to Mary Ephrain’s home and the presence of the man who’d introduced himself as Bud. “It’s not like I can tell you he did anything wrong. Maybe Liza wasn’t well. Or doing the laundry or something. But he creeped me out, Bail. The way he stood in that doorway, like I’d have to kill him to get by...When Mary got into so much trouble this year, we ran a check from school and there were no police records or doctor’s reports or any other evidence of abuse, but I’m also afraid that I created a problem for at least two innocent people—Mary and her mom—just by showing up at the door. He had no idea who I was, but he was clearly suspicious of me—a stranger asking for Liza. I don’t want him thinking she asked me for help or something behind his back, and taking it out on her. I feel I can’t leave them there without trying to check out the situation a little more. The way that man shut the door on me...My instincts tell me there’s something off.”

“So you want to go back?” Bailey’s nerves tightened.

“I want you to come with me. We can concoct some story—you know, like I’m a long-lost someone trying to surprise Liza, but blew it. You can be my official person, the one who verifies what I’m saying. My lawyer, or whatever. Or maybe we tell her she’s won some award...”

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