Gochmyrat Gutlyyev, Гочмурад Гутлыев
Feel yourself like at home

Acknowledgments

When at 2002 I was asked to be an expedition master for visiting my areas American scientist Victor Fet of Huntington, West Virginia, I did not expect to meet my future “khalypa”[1]. Not only on ecology and wildlife, but in writing as well.

Next year honorable Victor introduced me to other outstanding person. Steven G. Torres of Sacramento, California then became my host-advisor (and my future to-become-true friend) while my participation in exchange program with a residence in his part of USA. It looked like I became a family business for him, his wife Alison and their daughters and, of course, for Alison’s mother. Just during a long friendly conversation with them I started to put into fragmentary pieces some ideas “to deliver my folks’ mentality to a compassionate foreigner”. Moreover, much later, at 2017, even not knowing my inward inclinations to write, Steve and Alison created some conditions for me to concentrate full attention to finalize my essays, leaving aside routine chores, and to compose the present book. It was initially in Russian.

Then Victor and Steve, when I undertook myself to translate it, kindly agreed volunteering to correct my “self-learnt and vernacular” English and to transform it into proper and accurate lines.

I appreciate their efforts sincerely and whole-heartedly.

Let me repeat once again: in the beginning I put my thoughts and ideas into short sketches and fragmentary notes. Then for some period of time I nearly threw away all those text or left them on book shelf. Fortunately, at 2007 I was invited to participate in Central Euroasia Leadership Academy where I met Nancy Crossman. She was a story writer for a group, which I studied in. The lady chased me under every occasion with her endless questions regarding different sides of my folks’ mode of life. And made it in such friendly and tactful manner that I even did not intend to wonder: “why are you asking only me, not other members of Turkmenistan’s group?”. On the contrary, just thanks to her curiosity at the year I decided to try writing a full size book on the issue (Turkmen’ traditions and mentality).

Briefly, I am considering all above mentioned distinctive personalities as true inspirers of the book, if not direct co-authors of it.

Also I wish to thank my both sons Akmukhamed and Nowruz, who truly backed me up while crossing a hardship of recent years. And they still stand elbow-to-elbow with me in present days.

Foreword

“Most of my important lessons about life have come from recognizing how others from a different culture view things.”

Edgar H. Schein

In 2004 I was contacted by a representative from the United States Department of State, who asked if I would be interested in participating in an international program that sponsors scientists from other countries. At that time, I was working for the California Department of Fish and Wildlife as a senior scientist overseeing over 50 statewide wildlife conservation projects, including those that benefited large and small mammals as well as endangered species and multi-species projects. The State Department official described to me a program administered through the International Research and Exchanges Board (IREX), a non-profit organization that helps facilitate education and leadership opportunities worldwide. After learning more about this interesting program, I agreed to host a visiting professional from Turkmenistan. I was especially enthusiastic to participate because seventeen years earlier in 1987, I co-hosted a visiting scientist, Dr. Victor Fet, and his family – coincidentally also from Turkmenistan. Dr. Fet edited and co-authored “Biogeography and Ecology of Turkmenistan,” the first book to detail the flora and fauna of Turkmenistan. As an ecologist and scientist, I became absolutely fascinated with this unique and ancient desert region that is home to so many important ancestral plant and animal species. The more I learned from Dr. Fet’s book, the more enthralled I became with the Turkmen culture and other parts of Central Asia. To many westerners, this area in general and the Turkmen culture in particular, are relatively unknown.

I will always remember the first time I met Gochmyrat Gutlyyev at the Sacramento airport, where he arrived after about two weeks of intensive training from the State Department in Washington, D.C. – a crash course about American culture and customs. Not knowing what he looked like, I stood beyond the security checkpoint holding a sign with his name on it. I scanned the sea of people coming off planes until at last, a slender, dark-haired fellow wearing a navy blue wool pea coat spotted my sign. He immediately broke into a huge grin, a smile that animated his entire face. “You must be Gochmyrat,” I said. After we greeted each other, we got his luggage and I drove him to my home. My daughters had decorated our front door with a homemade sign that said, in brightly colored crayon, “Welcome, Gochmyrat!” I was anxious to get to know Gochmyrat and I also felt a huge sense of responsibility because I wanted him to have a good experience in this international exchange program. I tried to picture how he must be feeling: I imagined myself coming to a country on the opposite side of the planet, a country about which I knew only what I had read and what a crash course had just taught me. Where would I even start? And what would it be like to stay with complete strangers?

The State Department official told me before Gochmyrat’s arrival that his areas of expertise and interest for this internship were wildlife conservation and cultural tourism. Accordingly, I arranged for Gochmyrat to travel the entire state of California to visit various wildlife management and habitat conservation projects. These projects included studying the California Department of Fish and Wildlife’s methods for developing water sources for wildlife in the California deserts, as well as catching and handling mule deer, bighorn sheep, mountain lions, and endangered species for several conservation and research projects. I also arranged for Gochmyrat to participate in several helicopter wildlife surveys and capture projects throughout the state. So that Gochmyrat could get the widest range of cultural experiences with different people and projects, I decided not to accompany him on many of these trips. Instead, I arranged his travels so that he could work and live with each project leader. I was impressed with his ability to adapt to these different settings, people, and personalities. I was very pleased with the positive feedback I received from my colleagues who truly enjoyed working with Gochmyrat and having him meet their families. Gochmyrat had excellent English language skills and he quickly endeared himself to me, my family, other professionals and their families. As a side note, I should say that I consider myself to be an adaptable, adventurous person and I enjoy travels and new challenges. Yet I will admit to being humbled by Gochmyrat’s ability to adapt and take risks – he is even better at it than I am!

Gochmyrat’s visit was rewarding both professionally and personally. By the end of his visit, my colleagues and I (and our respective families) had developed a newfound knowledge about and respect for another part of the world – Central Asia in general, Turkmenistan in particular. We learned as much from Gochmyrat as perhaps he did from us. He was an excellent ambassador of his homeland, Turkmenistan. My colleagues and I developed an appreciation of the value of working with professionals and scientists from other countries. In fact, one of my colleagues, Dr. Vern Bleich, and I published a paper in a national wildlife science journal on the benefits of hosting international scientists. The editorial letter, called “On International Involvement in Wildlife Conservation,” was published in 2004 (Wildlife Society Bulletin 32:1013-1014). Gochmyrat’s visit ended with him having formed many friendships with scientists and their families, some of which will last a lifetime.

Over the past 15 years since his visit, Gochmyrat and I have stayed in frequent contact. He often sends me his writings, which I really enjoy. I have watched him blossom into a writer who can articulate the subtleties and nuances of different ethnic customs and cultures. In many of his essays, he contrasts Turkmen perspectives with that of other cultural perspectives. His work gives me new perspectives on my own country; as I read his essays, I can be an “outsider looking in” and I recognize that westerners can have a somewhat ethnocentric attitude. So often, people in modern countries feel the need to develop or modernize other, so-called “underdeveloped” countries. Gochmyrat’s writings remind me that we westerners might be better served by appreciating that Turkmenistan has been at the crossroads of civilizations for many centuries and that we have a lot to learn here.

This book demonstrates Gochmyrat’s devotion to preserving Turkmen traditions and promoting cultural understanding. His pride in Turkmenistan and in preserving its heritage is obvious, and his approach to using experiences and stories to do this is very interesting and effective. He hopes his book will serve as a starting point “for a conversation“ (to use Gochmyrat’s words) for a cultural guide to prepare for a visit to Turkmenistan, and to encourage teaching Turkmen culture to other guides as representatives of Turkmenistan. Most importantly, Gochmyrat encourages all of us scientists, world travelers, and global citizens to take time to treasure our own heritage and culture and to enjoy learning that of others, so that the world can be a better place.

In thinking about this collection of Gochmyrat’s essays, I am reminded of a quote that my dear friend, Dr. Victor Fet (now at Marshall University), is fond of reciting by 18th century Turkmen National Poet Makhtumkul: “Brotherhood is our custom, friendship is our law.”

It is my dream to someday visit my friend in Turkmenistan.

Steven G. Torres

California

March 2019

Preface

Even if the statement “sometimes for immediate effect it is best to begin a short story, a tale or mere conversation from it’s possible conclusion” is widely accepted, I am often inclined to use another, if not more, popular concept. The essence of this is paraphrased in the lyric “life is a ring, and ring has no beginning and has no end”.

It is not easy to explain how my dream to write this book was born, because with every passing day I get a stronger feeling that the idea has accompanied me for all of my life since childhood growing up in a remote multinational frontier town in Turkmenistan. Nevertheless, let’s start my story not from the end, but from the middle: In 2004 I was lucky enough to take part in an exchange program, within which I traveled “nearly on a foot tour” through several states of Pacific Coast of the United States. I was a guest, arriving from an unfamiliar country (of incomprehensible mentality and an unknown mode of life). This presented a serious riddle for Americans hosting me in their homes and families: how to receive me, what meals to offer, what to offer for entertainment during free time? As an illustration and to bring you a smile, let me share a small but expected example. Prior to my departure from Sacramento, California to southern California towards Mexican border, Leon Lesicka (my next hospitable partner and future friend-to-become) phoned to Steven Torres (my host advisor and newly friend, already) and requested to tell me: “please, tell him to talk in full voice, because Americans prefer a LOUD voice in conversations.” The honorable Mr. Leon did not know in advance that I possess a low voice and very sharp hearing, that’s why I would prefer to talk quietly. But on other hand, he did not know if I would be able to meet unknown company easily, and be able to communicate effectively. In my two weeks I stayed in the small Californian town of Brawley, nearly right on Mexican border.

I am underlying the fact because I also lived on another Southern state line, Afghanistan’s. Surely, nearly all Americans whom I interacted those days were not aware of my native country, Turkmenistan. That is why I decided to indicate its geographical location by stating – “I am living just on Northern border of Afghanistan. Let me to emphasis that my visit occurred after the tragic 9/11 event, when a shock was not subsided yet. And all Americans may know where the country is located.

During our next friendly tea-drinking Leon suddenly said with warmth and sincerity “you are a really enjoyable guest”. It sounded so unexpected and strange for me that I asked right away to clarify what he meant. Just then I discovered that he had some apprehension anticipating my visit because during his long life (to the date about ninety years old) it was the first time he met a Turkmen, and he did not want to offend a visitor by not knowing some details of my culture or any sensitivities that I might have. Of course, I was quick to calm my courteous host that the tradition of hospitality is imbibed into our blood as well as respecting others folkways, whose homes we would be staying. Leon and all his numbered family showed boundless patience and warmness towards me.

Much later, during the last week of my four months long tour in miraculous California, I remember sitting with Steven Torres himself in a cozy café at the outskirts of Sacramento at the local Farmers’ Market. We talked thirstily, of endless themes and experiences. He reflected on my journey and challenges, and I needed to explain in more details, how “now-became-theirs” this visitor from the opposite side of the globe entered into their everyday mode of life relatively easy. My now true friend in half voice remarked: “I am astonished how calmly you are feeling yourself among us, Americans. If I should appear in strange country, I do not think I would be able to behave with the same confident manner among those folks”. I told him that there was a period of life where I was the leader of the only alpine club in Turkmenistan. My challenge was to introduce a course of lectures aimed for beginners that required considering the “subtle manners of behavior in remote areas, in order not to touch the feelings of local people”. And I added that even before this period of my life I developed my own steady habit to trying to find any written materials regarding a region and the people of it, as preparation for where I travel. Naturally I acted the same way too, when getting ready for a trip to the United States in order to take part in Contemporary Issues Fellowship Program. That’s why it was quite an explainable matter that in my case a cultural shock was not detected so sharply as it was for some of the other participants of our round. Besides, I was ready to face any habits/behaviors of Americans which might seem strange for a foreigner, and to expect their possible funny questions. Nevertheless, I made several observations on the issue which may cause a smile, even for those who experienced themselves with the Americans’ mode of life.

I should admit that during a friendly party during this trip, I caught me myself with the worrisome fact (of course, not burst out aloud): “though, if preparing for a trip to my country, and try to look for literature related to everyday life of Turkmen, you would spend a lot of efforts for the task, and you would not find anything written in an intelligible style, at all…” Surely, there should be some dry scientific treatises covering a FEW aspects of traditions and rituals of Turkmenistan somewhere? But what about popular versions designed for a common person interested in the culture and customs of an unknown nation? Just then and there a vague idea started to develop in my mind: “why don’t I try to write something like a guide-book on mentality, traditions and mode of life of my own folks?” Let me add that this idea was born not on a blank slate of stone, but laid into prepared soil, sorry for an agricultural concept.

I should mention that my second profession and dearest hobby is that of a cultural guide. I worked several years as a guide-interpreter in tourism spheres (for few tourist agencies) in tight and direct contact with inquisitive guests of Turkmenistan, from many different countries in second half of the 1990’s. So I was often needed to answer uninterrupted questions: For example, “What does your name mean? How do Turkmen greet each other and strangers? What is your traditional meal?” Plus, I needed to be ready for utterly unexpected requests for the presence of these totally unprepared guests. For instance, when I was leading a sightseeing tour of a unique mosque at the town of Annay located at outskirts of metropolitan Ashgabat, a Japanese group (themselves surprised) became invited guests at sadaka[2], dedicated to the new birth of grandson and son after many long years of awaiting. It is understandably that ceaseless sizzles of photo cameras and buzzing of videos were started at once, because the Japanese “took aims” at all details of the exotic event for them. Part of this celebration Included cooking a very caloric dishes for which their stomachs would be unaccustomed – pilaff in giant kazans[3], chorba[4] with pieces of fat floating on a surface. Of course, they declined the courteous invitation of these cordial hosts and did not partake in the meals. So, how should you advise them to follow a national custom “duzyny datmak” (“to taste a salt”[5])? They would need to be instructed about the history and expectations of guests and to caution them that certain behaviors or responses might be taken as arrogant “duzdan uly bolma” (“do not put yourself higher than a salt”) by locals. I interrupt the telling of this story at halfway, because unrolling the full story has a plot that will have several aims later. I’m doing this as an enticement, to maintain the curiosity and fascination of your reading: “what else happens later?”

I want to emphasize that during the first period of Independence of Turkmenistan (1991-2000), a flow of foreigners willing to visit our still mystic and mysterious country increased greatly. However, competent guides, speaking fluently in foreign languages and being themselves representatives of our national culture, were literally few. Therefore, not every person, who named himself “a guide-interpreter”, would accurately respond with passion to the ceaseless firing questions about “everyday mode of life”. Meanwhile, let me soothe my kind listeners and readers that I resolved these challenges without any special difficulties, to the great satisfaction and pleasure for all parties involved. I simply used my sharp sense of humor and understanding of important aspects these cultures and behaviors (both nations – Japanese and my own folks). Honestly at this time, if I had material on these issues that was written in the manner of a folktales’ narrator “like talking directly from the first person”, it would have been much easier and more interesting to arrange a dialog with curious traveling guests.

Just then and there, while sitting at the table in cozy café, my initially shy idea was born: “maybe, to try to compose conversations from there and here?” I started by making initial fragmentary field notes, not yet linked to each other. Then my life faced some more urgent tasks and I was forced to put my notes into a far box. About a decade passed and my hair turned grey, and after participation in an international conference in 2007 the idea, now reinforced, returned to me again: “better that I do it myself, than to pass my idea to someone else”. Why? – because participants from other countries have literally bombarded me with the same questions regarding my Turkmen countrymen. They were interested in everything – mentality, nature, and peculiarities of rural life.

Naturally, it is quite understandable that my resulting book does not pretend to be scientific in nature and represent the exact interpretations to the respective country’s traditions. Therefore, exacting critics shouldn’t be in a hurry to find disagreements and/or contradictions. This is the opinion of the author, my own attitude and experiences to this, and my deep and respectful understanding of Turkmen community life. I would even say – this is my invitation to a conversation, an incentive to examine other sources of supplementing information, and to establish a better understanding between cultures. There is a certain abruptness to some of my essays and short stories; some that look like unfinished themes are made intentionally – to think over and find explanations yourself. Then a conversation with a reader can be among equals, not of a mentor with his students, shouldn’t it? That’s why once again I will interrupt this narrative on a half word…

Once again, I will remind you – this is a non-fiction book of my travels, not a detailed journal dissertation.

The Greetings

“A salam is not just yours,

A salam belongs to the Almighty”

A proverb

Do you know any other way to start a conversation, tactfully and friendly, when you meet anyone – be it an acquaintance or a stranger, a countryman or a foreigner, a person of your own tribe or a representative of another ethnic group, – if not with a greeting?

And which form of the address should one select – just “Hello!” or “How are you doing?” – based on a specific situation and for a specific audience?

True, some men and women are able to get in touch with any audience, with people previously unknown or only slightly familiar to them, or to enter into a conversation with a stranger quite easily and unconstrained just at very first minutes of a meeting even without a formal greeting such as “hello”.

As for myself, I might look at them with an admiring envy of their excellent communicative skills, honestly. For I had definite difficulties in my youth, sometimes, to start just an elementary conversation – even with an acquaintance, leave alone a stranger, due to certain features of my personality. However, just those initial seconds and minutes are the most important stages when to create required mood of a meeting, to understand intentions of the visitor and to show your attitude towards him, are not they?

Therefore, naturally, styles and forms of greetings have their precious meaning in any culture, whatever the mentality of its people. That is of course, if one takes the subject much wider, without limiting the discussion exclusively to the complicated manner of the Turkmen in the field of addressing and greeting.

Instead of an expected introduction, which is a common way to start an essay or short story, let the author begin a conversation with the esteemed readers by recalling the old times – my own school years.

I have studied in a secondary school in the former Soviet Union. To those not quite familiar with the practice of those years it has to be explained that, at that period, the most prestigious Soviet schools, throughout the entire territory of the giant country inhabited by various ethnic groups, has instruction in Russian language, and their teaching program was based on the Russian culture. It was so beginning from the elementary classes for almost all secondary schools of the USSR.

As an additional clarification, I should emphasize that all teachers in the school I graduated from had academic and other higher educator degrees which were totally unexpected for such a remote and provincial school. If I remember correctly after two or three decades that passed, our mathematics teacher came from the Novosibirsk Division of the Academy of Sciences of the Soviet Union; the English language teacher was a graduate of the Moscow Institute of International Relations (where almost all Soviet diplomats studied); and our Russian language and literature teacher was nearly a nominee for a membership of the Soviet Writers’ Union. If I might be mistaken, it would be just exclusively out of my sincere and deepest respect to all of them and out of my gratitude for their lessons in life.

Such excellent features of the teachers are easy to understand if one takes into account the specific location of my native town Kushka (now Serhetabat), which lies at the state border zone. Most of my teachers were wives of the military officers who bravely accompanied their husbands during endless travels to the new sites of their missions.

Naturally, as a supplement to the basic subjects, these teachers arranged various clubs and diverse activities to apply their creative ideas and efforts and to implement own flooding energy into the life of their young students. Again and again, let me emphasize the fact that many such clubs were never created in more ordinary schools, even those located close by. For instance, the mathematics teacher led a hobby group for studying etiquette and good manners during couple years. Why did she choose such an extraordinarily subject? It would not be of great wonder if one knew that she herself was a representative of a very old Russian noble family, and by husband’s line she is a descendant of the Princes Yakushkins, engraved their names in history of the Tsarist Russia. However, frankly, I was the only male member of this group among its other, more beautiful participants. As usual everywhere in the world, girls were more eager to learn about etiquette and politeness, than rather rough and mischievous boys.

Never will I be tired of repeating that I am a lucky guy because I have had so wonderful teachers and mentors almost through all my life. And how many of them I still hope to meet in the forthcoming future!

Most of them, my secondary school teachers, in spite of their different ethnic origins (which, again, was not usual for many other schools of any Soviet periphery), tried to foster an interest to our own, Turkmen cultural roots, simultaneously with general education. My addiction to ethnographic aspects of life, my eagerness to plunge into mentalities and behavior of different nations was cultivated since those years and thanks to their efforts.

Nevertheless, the main direction of this educational system, which was aimed to study the life of the “entity addressed as the Soviet people”, influenced further development of individual students.

Therefore, upon the graduation from the secondary school I knew Russian language fluently, I was quite well familiar with the Russian culture, and with different styles of interpersonal relationships of the Slavic people. At the same time, I could only very weakly sort out mentality aspects of my own ethnic group, the Turkmens. Fortunately, at the same time I was striving for finding out more aspects of these traditions by myself.

Then, I was very lucky, let me repeat and emphasize once again, that simultaneously I was trained for self-educating and for keenness to investigate more aspects of folk traditions and rituals independently via books (if could find such books, though) and through informal chatting with the elders—the bearers of the culture hidden from an outside glance. Also fortunately, I was capable for further analyses of observations heard and seen by me. Step by step, I discovered and gradually revealed hidden details of everyday communications, of the behavior of my countrymen among themselves and toward those who were outsiders to our traditions. And now I would like to invite you, my honorable reader, to follow me in opening some habits and traditions of the Oriental nation that are concealed from common foreign visitors, even if they are eager to learn about the behavior of our people.

What to begin with?

Of course, I had a general understanding and knowledge of few elementary greetings like “Salam”, “Salam aleykum”, “Es-salam aleykum” and, in return, “Aleykum salam”. But what about anything else?

Thus, it looks like a proper time to make a recurrent digression titled “Two in one” here: as indicated above, when I was in school, I have diligently studied the Russian culture and mentality according to the curriculum used throughout the whole former Soviet Union. However, I was little more aware about my people, the Turkmens, and their tribes than a common town boy, and much less than an ordinary rural teenager.

Luckily, thanks to a “wild” profession (my main background is a wildlife biologist), I have spent the most part of my further life in the wilderness, pretty far from the urban civilization. Consequently, I almost always have interacted with the inhabitants of remote areas, from big villages to quite tiny settlements of three to five houses.

I am emphasizing this matter because the local people living in those territories are not yet spoiled by the challenges of urbanization, and still keep rapidly vanishing folk mentalities and inward culture almost untouched. Any person eager to learn the inner world of the Turkmens should go there as well, to look for that particle of the wisdom that comes from the depths of the centuries.

On the other hand, one should take into account that the Turkmens are not a uniform nation, yet. They are divided into big and small tribes and associations. Surely, there are relationships and traditions across these tribes that have enriched each other. But simultaneously, differences in the appearances and traditional behavior are clearly visible to an experienced eye.

Therefore, an observer needs to keep in mind to be more flexible and attentive to any advice given even by knowledgeable carriers of folk traditions, because observations made in a Northern velayats[6] might diverge from the ones made in Southern ones.

For instance, how could I myself, a representative of the Ersary tribe that lives primarily in the Lebap velayt, at the northeast of the country, behave properly living, as I do, at the southernmost point of Turkmenistan, if I did not use creativity in greetings?

Gradually (though slower than I would wish) the large integral picture began to reveal its secrets to a town-bred boy who I was at that period. Simple at a first superficial glance styles of “salam” (“salamlashmak” means “to greet each other”) appeared to be a rather complicated and, at the same time, flexible delicate system that had to be handled delicately and carefully.

As an introduction, let me say that, since the olden times, basic rules have been developed by the Turkmens (only a few of them would be mentioned here):

Who should greet the other person first?

A standing person greeting a sitting one;

A passerby greeting one who is doing a physical work (often, even if the former is older than the latter);

One who rides a horse greeting one who walks;

Obligatory, a younger person greeting an older one;

A host greeting a guest.

Nevertheless, there is no rule without exceptions. It is expected of a truly polite person to be able to greet properly and, what is not less important, to give relevant answers respectfully while being greeted. Otherwise, a man may face an unpleasant situation when only few people would greet him as they meet.

Again, for a more vivid Illustration I would “call to assist” another one of my numerous neighbors. I have some personal reasons not to pay tribute to him, currently quite an elderly man. Fortunately, I am a pretty good and attentive observer, and usually I notice his approaching from a far distance. Then, often it is enough to step aside or to make a face of “one deep in thoughts”, and thus letting him to pass away like one “unseen by me, and left without a salam”. However, when once I was weeding the vegetable patches at our front garden, suddenly, as I straightened up, I met his gaze face to the face. Without any sound I returned to work and buried my nose into the tomato bushes. He growled up at once: “You have to say salaam to an elder one, silly boy”. It was a doubly offending remark, keeping in mind that I myself was not young, and had my own teen kids.

Frankly, I succeeded to suppress my irritation, and did not snarl back but merely stared gloomily. Nevertheless, in couple of days at one of the frequent community events I described the situation to the others, emphasizing my unwillingness to interact with the neighbor. I was seeking an advice from other yashuli[7] – how to behave when we meet next time. Suddenly, I found that I would not be alone in my attitude to that man. A youngster, one of a group which stood nearby and heard my words, broke into the conversation of the elders (a manner by itself a little bit surprising) and exclaimed: “Hey, he never replies. Do we need to pay attention to him?”

Obviously, a classical saying, “treat others the way you would like to be treated yourself”, never and under no circumstances has lost its significance.

Naturally, a direct reprimand may cause a reciprocal resentment and an unwillingness to behave as “advised”. That is why in a Turkmen community a world-wise and experienced adult frequently uses indirect hints prompting a youngster to pay an attention that something might be wrong in his or her behavior.

Here is an example of applying this method. If in a Turkmen community a much elder man would greet a much younger first, this might be considered a joke or a reproach. Even if the greeting would be made not angrily but quite politely made, it would be seen as a biting irony.

On the other hand, if a youngster is recognized as an outstanding personality – for bravery, for intelligence, or just returning to the community after a long absence, – such address would be an expression of a special regard. However, even in this case, it would be proper for a younger person to greet an elder first.

Let me repeat once again that sluggishness with a greeting might cause a sharp remark, emphasizing that someone erred in such an important sphere of a communication as greetings.

How would such an indirect hint work?

For a better understanding of the issue, I am pleased to introduce a favorite of mine, Guldjemal by name, a daughter of my neighbor couple Takhir and Djemile with whom we are long-time friends. Formerly, she often used to forget to say “salam” or even did not notice a somewhat gloomy neighbor while running across nearby due to a girlish absent-mindedness. A teen is a teen, especially a shy girl. Whether she was too much concentrated on her inward thoughts or had been absent-minded, the result was the same: she just missed greeting an old (in both senses, direct and figurative) acquaintance.

That is why one day I stopped her, as she was hurrying by, stretching both hands out for a handshake and firing rapid questions: “Salam aleykum! How are you, how is your father? Are your kids in good health? What’s about cattle?”.

Here I should hasten to shake away some possible bewilderment of a reader: why did I ask such a row of questions? I will explain further about this special greeting style called “Anyrsyny byarisini sorap salam bermek” (“to greet by cross-questioning”).

Good for her, Guldjemal learned the lesson momentarily, at once and forever – over a decade that passed since this brief interaction, she never missed to let me hear her tender voice “Salam, Gochmyrat-aga[8]!” during every next meeting.

Naturally, that is a matter of good breeding by one’s parents and there would be a space for an opposite illustration when the method was not effective at all. When about at the same time I tried the trick on my own nephew, the only reaction that I could get from him was a lopsided smile for a beginning and nothing further.

“Let you not be tired…» (or while working)

A different form of a greeting is used depending on situation.

The following case is kept in the depths of my memory in bright colors since my serene childhood, for a few decades already. Then, I was seriously confused and embarrassed by my own lack of knowledge of the elementary politeness. On the other hand, what else would be expected from a town lad, who has encountered such a form of a greeting for the first time in his life?

In addition, one should know that this greeting could vary according to a real situation.

My father was born in a tiny village Sandy-Kachi of the Mary Velayat, Turkmenistan. He has left the place to study in an agricultural college and did not come back, moving from one job place to another wherever a veterinarian should be sent by the state administration. My uncle, his older and the only brother, continued to live there for a long time, till end of 90s. For me, a teenager, spending vacations there it was like a journey to a wonderland – the Murgab River, surrounding hills, sheep grazing, and the formerly famous fruit gardens.

It was so interesting and romantic to go somewhere very early in the morning far toward the apricot gardens on a squeaking cart drawn by a slim-legged, tireless donkey. We worked for a full day there, busy with chores – every gardener knows how much should be done in time to maintain his fruit trees and to get a good harvest. Besides, it was not less enjoyable to come back when getting dark, stretched on a load of a grass for the cattle kept near my cousins’ home. Usually my cousins had to feed the animals before starting our own dinner.

By the way: again, that is a wisdom coming from the old times – an older person teaches a younger one to take care of their domestic animals prior to taking care of himself. It iso easy to understand this practice – if you eat yourself first, you might forget that your cattle is hungry; or if you would relax it will be more difficult to return to physical work soon afterwards..

This habit also works in other cases. For instance, while I was leading a group as an instructor for outdoor tourism I could not sit down myself to relax until every member of the team would find his proper place for camping, wood fires were arranged, and water for the tea was boiled.

Returning to our narrative: but what was it that confused me?

Well, there were many people worked diligently in those gardens, not only us. And all those, without an exception, with whom we interacted during long summer day, would always say a word incomprehensible for me: “Arma!”. And only after that they would add “Salam aleykum”, and continue the conversation if and when they could have a few free minutes for a short rest. At first, I nodded silently while busying myself with what chores I had, and did not pay attention to a small pause – as if the person who spoke to my cousins would expect something from me, too. It appeared that I had to respond by some word or a whole phrase. After several awkward pauses I decided to be smart and to return “Arma” to the next visitor by saying the same word. A confusion again!

My older cousin, exchanging condescending smiles (“What might you expect from city boy!”), undertook the initiative himself and answered “Barma”(!?).

Over three decades of time went over those gardens since, and most of the orchards were cut down due to an old age of the fruit trees. However, now I never forget to greet one with an “Arma!” if I pass a person is doing a difficult physical job. It does not matter if is he an acquaintance or a stranger.

This form of a greeting is used as an encouragement for intellectual work, as well, like wishing a success in one’s contemplations, or as a form of a friendly egging-on.

In the present days, “Arma” or “Armaveree” obtained a meaning “Don’t be tired!” or “Be tireless!” (in old times it was meant as “Help you God!”). And the exclamation “Barma”, or “Barbol” in return will mean “The same to you”. After that, you may add “Thank you for wishing!”. And only then a smooth passage will be accomplished to the generally accepted greeting “Salam valeykim” and the answer “Valeykim salam”.

Meanwhile, the case described above became for me the first intermediate, even if an important one, milestone in the process of discovering and investigating more closely different interpersonal relationships, behavioral reactions and interactions between my own people, – the process which still continues.

At an age well over thirty years, I noticed one aspect, which slipped away of my attention until that moment:

The greeting “Arma” is used frequently in the situations when a person is busy with his regular routine chores. It appeared that in a case when somebody would engage in a job that required sound physical effort during a long time, another form of distinctive greeting would be used. For instance, if a foundation is being built for a new house, or an irrigational ditch is being dug, or a bridge repair is been started, a competent person will always wish: “Ishler illeri”. However, I am not able to clarify the exact meaning of this saying, since I did not dig up the roots of its origin. If I understand it right, a sense of it is “Let your labor be finished soon.”

Now, prior to mention another important wish (and a kind of a greeting in a specific case) of Turkmen, let me to make two small digressions.

I have to introduce two residents of our town, linked with each other by family (I emphasize – family!) bonds, Mered and Kurban by names, both over fifty years old..

Also I would remind the reader about a classical saying, which became a cliché: “a man in his life ought to fulfill three tasks: to build a home, to have a son, and to plant a tree”.

So, after some quite difficult years, Mered has finally finished building and remodeling a house in the Poltavka village near own town. Besides, he implemented some designer ideas which were not common at the provincial areas. I am a brother and a cousin to them both Mered and Kurban, and that is why at the time I often visited Mered to have a tea with him. At my next visit, the host started, with some surprise and sadness, to tell me about Kurban’s first visit to his new home.

Already at his second sentence I started to smile and then even began to laugh because I guessed at once what I would hear next. I know Kurban’s personality so well that I can predict what and in which situation he could say.

I will continue my story reciting, nearly word-by-word, my dialogue with Mered that took place in his study, featuring a TV set half wall-wide:

“You know, I showed him the entire new home, opening doors into every room. You did not yet see those rooms, you just came and sat down here without further moving.”

Just then I could not suppress smiling and then burst out laughing immediately upon hearing a continuation and seeing that expression of Mered’s face which would be impossible to describe in words – a mixture of a bewilderment, light injury and, at the same time, some bitter humor.

“And then he [Kurban] said suddenly: ‘Two men at Poltavka, they just finished building their houses, and then hung themselves’” (!?).

Here Mered glanced at me and asked: “What’s so funny?”

“Hey, I know in advance what he could say. Kurban just is not able to be glad for the of success of another person.”

So what was the trick?

It is appropriate among the Turkmen to wish “nesip etsin” “(“let it bring goodness for you”) in such cases as a building of a house, a car purchase, or another significant acquisition.

Formally, Kurban was right; indeed at the Poltavka village two men committed suicides after moving to newly built houses. Whether he had to mention them to Mered at the latter’s new house, let it be solely up to Kurban’s conscience.

Then, I would not hide that at the moment I felt myself some awkwardness: “Didn’t I myself forget to make an appropriate wish? It is quite possible, with my absent-mindlessness”

Possibly, I did say something otherwise Mered would not fail to sting, would he? At once I recalled that just while entering his yard through the gate of a yard, a hearty “Berekella!” (“good of you” or “bravo”) burst out from my lips.

It happened that I did not visit Mered for a friendly chat for several months, and that is why I witnessed neither a start of the construction, nor a result of it. After my first exclamation I went on with my habitual saying “bizede yetirsin!” (“let the same will be sent to us, too!”), and also added sincerely “il bir yashasyn!” (“let somebody have successful life”, which, indirectly, also means “since I did not… “)

Before concluding this section, I must note that “Armaveree” has its own underlying philosophical context. To give an illustration, I recall how many years ago I was left with two teen sons without a stable income, nearly without a home, and with no perspective for life improvement. At that period, people often wished me “Arma!”, and always added “Gayrat et!” (“Courage to you!”).

“The more you live the more you know…»

I will now relate an observation I made fifteen years after graduating from school, at a sad event at the funeral of the grandmother of my future ex-wife (excuse me for this expression but currently this is the most exact way I can refer to her). Due to a combination of the circumstances (the gloomy atmosphere of the funeral meal, and my very first introduction to the new relatives, which by itself created a serious stress for me) I was totally lost thinking whom to greet first and whom at second turn, whether I should I shake hands, whether I should take a seat in a corner or join the helpers, and so on.

Perplexed, I decided simply to follow my father-in-law and to repeat what he would do. Later, of course, naturally not to get further confused, I enhanced my knowledge purposedly and practiced behavioral skills at other crowded meetings.

It appeared that at Turkmen community events, when you need to greet the guests who came earlier than you, you should proceed directly to most respected yashuli, or a man of similar status (a community leader, the oldest relative, a head of the administration). The best way (frankly, the only way) is to exchange a couple of warm words with this man while shaking hands and then to pass to the others, doing the same with everyone, going counterclockwise.

Handshaking styles

A common handshake, such a simple gesture at first sight, will sparkle with special colors and shades under a more attentive glance.

First, please, remember: your hand clasp should be vigorous, involving all fingers. Unfortunately, I have to emphasize this because several years ago some spoiled city chaps “invented” a weird handshake – they just inserted a couple of fingers (or merely one!) into a palm of a newcomer and slightly bent them, instead of shaking the hand of a person who greets them. Luckily the manner did not take root, and rapidly disappeared even among the teens. Very rarely, but you may still meet this manner today. Don’t follow it, please!

Among the Turkmens, one always must shake hands at greeting, using the right hand shaking right hand. Although, if you have a trauma, and your right palm is bandaged, you may either use the left hand, or present your right elbow for other person’s handclasp.

A younger person should greet a senior person with both hands. Also, I ought to emphasize that the handshake with both hands is a sign of special respect and, moreover, of an honor towards the greeted person. Additionally, the host would extend both hands for a handshake to welcome a long-expected and favored family guest.

However, I would like to mention here quite a specific aspect, again related to handshaking as the main method of a Turkmen greeting. Perhaps, a stranger would not pay any special attention to subtle hints indicating courteous rudeness. I am using such hints myself more often than I would wish. An unaccustomed person could be deceived by them buying ones as a proper welcoming procedure. Where at and what is a difference?

To clarify the matter: if someone dislikes (or even disdains) another person, he might say “Salam” very warmly, but then would try to avoid touching this person’s hand. It will be a reason for the latter to evaluate the true attitude of the former.

More examples? Here we go!

An illustration from the living experience, again.

I have many cousins and second cousins. Toward one of them, who is ten years older, I have, let me say, mixed feelings. If the tradition is followed, as a younger man, I ought to greet him first, immediately upon his arrival to our home for a stay. Luckily, he lives with his family far from our town, and visits us quite rarely, only for special family events. Knowing my opinion about him, well in advance of their announced visit, my mother starts warning me again and again: “Behave properly, be polite! He is a guest, meet him outside and greet in a required way”.

Surely, I had (and still have!) at my disposal a full set of nonverbal methods to demonstrate my true opinion toward him: to avoid a handshaking, to bend my fingers without clasping his palm, slightly wetting my own palm just before the handshaking, and so on.

Paradoxically, though, depending upon a situation, sometimes avoiding a handshake would tell about tactful attitude to a visitor. If you are told “sorry, my hands are dirty”, and then a man would outstretch for a handclasp his forearm instead of the palm, more likely he just came back from a toilet and did not wash his hands yet.

Should I remind here that the Turkmens have distinctive traditions of hospitality, and that every welcome visitor will be met with a special care? After all, there is a saying “a guest is more important than a father”!

It seems that a respect of a guest is in the blood of the Turkmen, expressed since early childhood, and they will tolerate with good-natured by indulgence many possible misunderstandings from a representative of another nation, especially from those who are not their neighbors and may be unaware of local customs.

On the other hand, there is room for an opportunity to become a more pleasant visitor if one shows just a little familiarity with local manners—and such willingness in a guest will be appreciated!

An esteemed reader may have noticed that I have talked mostly about men shaking hands. It is easily understandable without a slightest suspicion for what may seem to be a discrimination of women. Being a man, I practice hand shaking with other men every day and nearly every hour. Therefore, details on men greeting men are more known and closer to me rather than styles of greetings between the Turkmen women.

Also, it is natural that in our tradition the ways for greetings between a man and a woman would be different of those between men.

Simultaneously I dare say that the narration will be incomplete it not to touch at least briefly greeting manner among the women.

“Womanly” greetings

We should return to the tribal and geographical differences: in accordance with local traditions in Mary velayat, where I have an origin and live in, men do not exchange handshakes with representatives of the other sex in most cases. On the other hand, again there is no rule without an exception. So, sometimes, women and girls may outstretch both hands for “eleshmek uchin” (“to shake hands”) with a man to demonstrate an especial honor, or when greeting a close friend.

When this happened to me for the first time, I acted quite awkwardly in an attempt to decide quickly: whether to seize her palm and hold it for a while, how long to hold, how strongly to squeeze, and so on. So, later, when I expected a similar situation, I was a little bit more quick, and could step aside or pretend to be absent-minded to avoid the handshake.

Several years passed since my confusion, and then, at last, I have noticed what my brother-in-law (a representative of the Teke tribe) did in a similar situation. With an elegant gesture he turned the palm of his right hand down, and extended his wrist to the female guest to let her clasp it.

Indeed, some obvious details may lie just in front of your eyes without being noticed, and stay unnoticed for a long time. The same occurred here – afterwards, I realized how many times I have seen this gesture but did not pay attention.

In addition, nearly at once I remembered a scene from quite old movie about the greatest Turkmen poet of all times, Makhtumkuli Fragi: when he returned to his beloved home after many years of travel, and the women of his kin ran to meet him, he turned his hand down, hiding his fingers inside his sleeve and stretched his wrist so they could shake hands with them.

An entirely different approach is observed among the Ersary people to whom I belong myself. Boys, girls, men, and women – as it seems at a first glance, it does not matter! They shake hands willingly, repeatedly at every time of a day they meet.

Now, please, let me to return again to “female” greetings, namely – addressing to a woman? How and did I pay a close attention to the differences? Shame on me, again in mature age…

For a few years of my life, I have worked as a private taxi driver at some period in my life. I have to clarify here that my main goal in this occupation was to be inside the turbulent life of the surrounding people and to get an opportunity to talk with them freely than for mere making money. Besides, the latter was rather difficult to do in our town, with one of lowest fees for transportation in Turkmenistan. A reader might not believe thus but until recently (before the fuel price increased), a passenger had to apply some effort to persuade a driver to take money at arrival! When everyone knows everyone well or when people are connected by family ties, this attitude is quite common in Turkmen communities (most of them are quite tightly knit). Life in a small provincial town could have its own specific advantages.

On the other hand, you never know to whom you would talk over the day, what you would be able to watch on a street, and how many hints to this or that side of life you would catch directly from your occasional fellow customers. At that period, I had no any idea and did not suspect that in some years I would get to compose an outline of Turkmen greetings, for example. However, many pictures “from the reality”, verified over and over again during a whole series of unceasing meetings and observations, were stored in my trained memory.

Naturally, these observations were supplemented by the facts which came from other sources. Now they all have been interlaced so much that it would be impossible to separate, and I myself might not recognize their source anymore.

One of those observations, a quite curious situation which happened during a trip across our small town, nearly ideally fits into my narrative to demonstrate the difference in greetings; style depending on who is being greeted: a man or a woman.

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Notes

1

“Khalypa” is Turkmen concept of a teacher, with philosophical and psychological meanings. It is more than a teacher in particular subject of study, or just a mentor. The person will be considered as a spiritual leader, giving lessons of life.

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2

Sadaka – special ritual, an event to sacrifice in order to thank Heaven for a blessed support in life

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3

Kszan – a big round cauldron, of volumes between of 40-100 liter.

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4

Chorba – a traditional soup of mutton and onions. To diverse it is allowed to add potatoes and tomatoes.

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5

“To taste a salt” – a ritual joining to a meal. A one should take at least a drop of bread or tiny portion of a course and eat it. It will be a token that he/she “shares” the meals. Refusing the procedure might be taken as rudeness and an offence.

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6

Velayt – an administrative division of the country. Turkmenistan is divided into five velayats.

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7

Yashuli – a respectful referring to an elder (“yash” – age, “uli” – here “older”). However, the concept is frequently used not exclusively based on age, but as a sign of true respect to a person if he deserves that attitude.

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8

Aga – a respectful address of an elder man. At the same time, it is a sign of paying tribute to an honorable person.

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