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HarperImpulse

an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

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www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in Great Britain by HarperImpulse 2018

Copyright © M L Roberts 2018

Cover photographs © Shutterstock.com

Cover design by Ellie Game © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2018

M L Roberts asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Ebook Edition © January 2018 ISBN: 9780008259891

Version: 2018–01–18

Table of Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Epilogue

Acknowledgements

About the Author

About HarperImpulse

About the Publisher

For my husband. His constant support has been everything.

Prologue

Sirens.

Blue flashes, bouncing off the glass, blinding me.

Noise. So much noise.

Voices.

Shouting.

Words just merging into one long muffled sound.

The smell of chlorine.

Blood.

The pain, brutal and raw.

The fear…

What did we do…?

That night…

The night my life changed.

The night everything changed…

Chapter 1
Present Day …

‘Can you see it now, Ellie?’

He’s talking, but I’m not listening. I’m tuning him out, letting his voice fade into the background.

‘Can you see what’s happening?’

Why is he here? I’m almost sure I told him I wanted to be alone, so why is he in my kitchen?

‘You need to go, Liam.’

‘I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you alone, not now.’

I raise my head slowly to look at him. ‘Why? What are you scared of? Do you think I’m going to do something stupid? Is that it?’

‘No…’

‘Then you can go, can’t you?’

‘Come home with me, Ellie. Please.’

I shake my head. I want to be on my own. For the first time in a long time I actually want to be alone, in this house.

He comes over to me, takes hold of my wrists and unfolds my arms. He takes my hands in his, his grip tight around my fingers.

‘I don’t think you should stay here. This house, it isn’t good for you.’

‘It’s my home.’

‘Pack a few things and come back to mine. Please, Ellie.’

I tug my hands free of his and walk over to the counter. I pour myself a large measure of whisky, but before I can drink it he’s taken the glass from me. Poured the whisky down the sink.

‘What the hell are you doing?’

‘Pack a bag and come home with me.’

‘Just go, Liam. Please.’

‘She’s pregnant, Ellie. You saw that, right? You saw Michael, with her…’

I swing around and stare at him. I’m tired of him now, I don’t want him here. I need to think. ‘We don’t know the baby is his.’

‘Jesus, Ellie, come on…!’

He rakes a hand through his hair, throws his head back and sighs heavily.

‘You want it to be true, don’t you? You want to believe that my husband is sleeping with her, that he got her pregnant, you want that to be true. Why, Liam? Because you think that’ll make me stop loving him? Make me run to you…?’

‘You’ve already run to me, Ellie.’ He moves a little closer, reaches out to touch my cheek. ‘And you didn’t do that for the hell of it. You did it for a reason, you’re just too scared to admit it.’

‘You need to go. Please.’

He pulls his hand back, steps away from me, but his eyes remain fixed on mine. ‘I love you, have you got that yet? I love you so much, and I won’t let him do this to you. I won’t let him hurt you like this.’

I say nothing. I just keep staring at him, hoping he’ll get the message. That he’ll leave, I really do need to be alone now.

‘This is killing you, he is killing you, and I can’t stand by and watch him do that.’

Still, I remain silent. I want him to go, I can’t think with him here, he’s too much of a distraction.

‘Ellie?’

I shake my head. He needs to go. And he does, eventually. But I wait until I hear his car leave the driveway before I move, before I head into the hall, pull the bolts across the door. Make myself safe. And as soon as that’s done I lean back against the wall, close my eyes, and take a second to breathe. A second to let what I saw today sink in.

Her.

Ava.

Pregnant.

My husband, holding her in his arms, her fingers clinging onto his jacket. She’d looked upset. Scared. She should be.

My eyes spring open and I stare at the door. I glance at the security monitor. I look down at my left hand, at the wedding band there on my third finger. A symbol of those vows Michael and I made to each other.

To have and to hold.

For better, for worse.

In sickness and in health.

Till death do us part…

They mean something, those vows. We said them, and we meant them. All of them.

Didn’t we, Michael…?

Chapter 2

I can’t get those images out of my head. His concerned expression. His finger tucked under her chin as she looked up into his eyes. I couldn’t sleep, I spent the night lying awake staring at the ceiling, thinking about everything I’m losing. My husband. My life. My mind…

I need to see him. Michael. I need to see him. I need to confront him once and for all; I need to do that, even though Karl – the private investigator – told me to do nothing until he’s got more information. It’s what I’m paying him for after all, isn’t it? To gather more information. To watch my husband, track his movements, because I can’t do that anymore. He told me to wait, until he has more proof. Do I need more proof? Weren’t those pictures enough?

I push open the revolving doors of the hotel I know Michael’s staying in and stride into the lobby. Why did he never go to that friend he claimed he was going to stay with? Was there ever a friend? Or was that just another lie? After all, it’s easier to bring her here, isn’t it? Easier to carry out that deception and betrayal in a place full of people who don’t know you. Who won’t judge you. How many times has he lied to my face?

How many times have I lied to his?

Despite the fact it’s only just gone 8 a.m., the reception area is busy. There seems to be a large group of people trying to check out so I hang back a little, sit down in the foyer, my gaze shifting between the front desk and the door. I have no idea if they’ll tell me Michael’s room number, but I’m his wife. I’ll make up some kind of emergency, I can lie just as well as he can. Probably even better.

My phone vibrating momentarily distracts me, and I pull it from my pocket. It’s Liam.

I glance quickly outside, and then I realize Karl is probably parked up somewhere, watching the hotel. Has he noticed me come in here? He should have done, if he’s doing his job properly. And he won’t be happy that I’ve done this, that I’ve come here, but rather than confront me himself, has he called Liam? Is he too scared to tackle the woman he can see I’ve become? Would he rather Liam come and handle this? Handle me? Is that who I am now? Something to be ‘handled’?

I ignore the call and slide the phone back into my pocket, but within seconds it vibrates again, so this time I turn it off and throw it into my bag. I don’t need the distraction. And then I hear it – his voice. Michael’s voice. Deep. Bold. Perfect diction. It carries well, my husband’s voice.

He’s at the front desk, talking to the receptionist, smiling at her the way he smiles at every woman he comes into contact with. And she’s just like all the others, sucked in by his handsome face and easy charm. And I’m tired of it, the way he flirts with them, attracting these women like some modern-day pied piper.

I get up, make my way over to him, and as he turns his head his smile evaporates.

‘What are you doing here, Ellie?’

He speaks to me like I mean nothing to him. It stings, further ripping that hole in my heart that he’s already put there.

‘I need to talk to you.’

He turns away, signs something the receptionist slides over to him, and he looks at her as he hands it back. He throws her that smile, again, but this time she doesn’t return it. She quickly glances in my direction. I’m making her uncomfortable.

‘There’s nothing to talk about,’ he says, slipping his newspaper into his bag before sliding it up onto his shoulder. ‘I think you should go.’

‘I’m not going anywhere, Michael. I’m quite happy to say all I have to say right here, if that’s what you’d prefer.’

The way he looks at me, it makes me feel sad and angry. Tired. Defeated. But I can’t let those feelings win out. I need the truth. I need to know how to end this.

He sighs heavily. A frustrated sigh. ‘Come to my room.’

He turns and heads towards the lifts, and I follow him, neither of us saying anything. The silence between us is almost foreboding, and I feel my heart start to pick up a faster rhythm as we approach his room. She’s obviously not with him. But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t been here.

He closes the door behind him, throws his bag down on the bed. He stares at me, and again I feel sadness and anger merge, I still love him so much. That’s why I’ve been driven to this, because I love him. He’s my husband … my husband.

‘What do you want, Ellie?’

I tilt my head to one side, and look at him. Right at him. I hold his gaze and he narrows his eyes, he’s confused. Good. I’m the one in control now, and I need to make sure it stays that way.

‘I want you, Michael.’

He narrows his eyes a little more, and then he breaks the stare; he laughs, turns his head away from me, runs a hand along the back of his neck. ‘Jesus Christ…’

I walk over to him, pull his hand away from his neck and I force his head around to look at me. ‘There’s nothing funny about this. I’m your wife, and that’s something you seem to be forgetting…’

His fingers grasp my wrist, so tight they dig into my skin, but I don’t even flinch.

‘You haven’t been my wife for a long time now, Ellie.’

‘And whose fault is that?’

‘I didn’t drive you to this…’

‘You helped.’

His eyes lock on mine, it’s like he’s staring into my very soul. Trying to find the woman he married. The woman he loved – no. He still loves me. Whatever he’s done, we can fix it. We can move on. We can get past this, I know we can. I wasn’t sure before, but being this close to him … I’m not willing to let him go.

I reach out with my free hand, lightly touch his mouth with my fingertips and he doesn’t stop me. He keeps his eyes on mine, and I know he feels it too. That connection, that bond between us that can’t be broken.

‘Do you still love me, Michael?’

‘Ellie, please…’

‘Do you still love me?’

‘Of course I still love you, but…’

‘Ssh.’ I shake my head, press my fingers against his mouth to silence him. ‘You still love me. I still love you. We can save this, Michael. We can save us…’

He grasps my wrist a little tighter, but still the pain means nothing. I feel nothing. ‘Ellie, you’re not well…’

‘I’m fine.’

‘You need to talk to someone. You need to go back to the counsellor…’

I wrench my arm free and step back from him. ‘All I ever wanted was to talk to you. My husband. What happened that night … we vowed we’d stick together, remember? You promised me that, you said…’

‘And I’ll never break that promise, but right now – right now, I can’t do this. You need help, Ellie.’

I walk back over to him, run my fingertips lightly over his jacket collar. ‘I don’t need help.’ I pull him gently towards me, and he doesn’t protest, doesn’t make any attempt to stop me. Because he’s weak? I think we might all be a little guilty of that. I rest my mouth against his, smiling slightly as I feel his erection nudge my thigh. ‘I just need my husband back.’

He slides a hand around on to the small of my back, lowers it to my bottom, cupping it gently as he kisses me; as he pushes me back against the wall.

Weak.

Weak.

Weak…

‘You want me because I’m not the woman you married,’ I breathe as his hand presses against my breast. ‘That’s what’s making you hard, right?’

He looks at me for a second, his eyes burning into mine, and then he steps back. It’s like he’s suddenly been yanked from a trance; like he can’t quite believe what he’s doing, and it breaks my heart. It fills me with anger. Two very different emotions clashing, fighting against each other.

‘You need to go, Ellie. Now.’

The anger’s winning. Sadness is just a waste of time, it’s sucking up the energy I need to fight this battle.

‘Because I’m not Ava?’

He takes another step back, rakes a hand through his hair as he stares at me again. ‘I’m not doing this, okay? I want you to go.’

I walk towards him. I hold his gaze, I need to stay strong. Focused. He needs to know I’m not just going to roll over and give up without fighting this.

‘What does she do to you, Michael, to make you keep running to her?’

‘You need to go.’

‘Is it the prospect of a younger body, hmm? A body that isn’t damaged, like mine? A body that isn’t scarred? Does she fuck you in ways you never dreamt of…?’

He grabs hold of my wrist again, his eyes blazing with an anger I haven’t seen in him before, but he doesn’t scare me. I don’t think anything scares me anymore. I think I passed that point a long time ago.

‘You need to leave, right now.’

What nerve have I touched? What button did I press?

He opens the door and lets go of me. He’s giving me the chance to leave without a scene – which I have every intention of doing, but this isn’t over. This is so far from over.

I reach out, cup his cheek, move my mouth so very close to his. ‘You caused this, Michael. You did this, with your reckless behaviour.’

‘I did a lot of things I’m not proud of, Ellie. Remember?’

We stare at each other for a few loaded beats, and then I step back from him. I turn and walk away. As I head towards the lift I feel that anger rising, bubbling away inside of me, threatening to explode. I need to get out of here now, I need to go to work, do something normal. If I knew what normal was anymore.

‘Ellie?’

I stop walking, and look up to see Liam standing there in reception, his hands in his pockets, his face serious. Concerned? He might be. I’m not sure, I can’t really read his expression.

‘I need to get to work…’

He grabs my hand as I pass him, swinging me around to face him. ‘What’ve you done?’

I don’t know, what I’ve done. But that anger’s filling me now, flooding my veins. I’m angry with myself, with Michael. Liam. I’m so fucking angry…

I look up into his eyes, and he gets it, he feels that anger coursing through me, burning my gut, it’s relentless. I need to channel it, rid myself of it before I go anywhere or do anything, and he knows that. Liam won’t turn me down. Liam is the weakest of them all, I know that now.

I kiss him, and he responds in a heartbeat, he always does. His fingers wind in my hair, his body hard against mine, but we can’t stay here. People are watching, we’re in too public a place…

He takes my hand and we walk briskly towards the toilets, we can’t wait. I don’t want to wait, I need him now. He’s my medicine, my fix – and this is urgent. Michael may have rejected me, but Liam would never do that.

Michael. My husband. Rejected me…

I lean back against the wall as Liam quickly checks inside, then he takes my hand again, drags me into a cubicle, kicking the door shut as he throws me back against the side of the stall. And for a beat or two we just look at each other. He smiles at me and my heart starts racing; he’s a beautiful man, Dr Liam Kennedy. But that momentary second of calm quickly dissipates. I’m here for a reason. I need to vent, I need to release that anger, let it seem like I’m making Michael pay for his deceit. His betrayal. By fucking his best friend? By taking part in my own deceit? My own betrayal? It’s so messed up, so confusing. So wrong. But we’re all in so deep now, I can’t see a way out.

I reach down to unzip him, I take him in my hand, feel his hardness grow and I ache for this release now, I need him. This man. This.

He rests a hand on my hip, swings me around, then yanks my jeans down. He nudges my legs apart with his knee, and he’s inside me before I have a chance to draw breath, his fingers sliding between mine up against the wall. He thrusts into me with an almost violent force, and I buck back just as hard, I grip him tight, I want to hurt him. That’s why he’s here, a vehicle for me to take my anger out on in the only twisted way I know how.

He lets go of my hand, reaches down, and he touches me. It’s all I can do to stop myself from crying out. And he senses that, pushes my head around slightly so my mouth catches his; so my cries seep into him.

‘Harder,’ I whisper. I need him to go deeper, it makes me feel safe. Protected. But I also need to feel pain. To know that I’m still alive and not just sleepwalking my way through the nightmare that my life has become.

He takes hold of my hand again, grips my fingers tight as he pulls out of me. Then he slams back into me with a force that pushes the breath from my body, but the pain it causes is beautiful.

Your best friend wants me, Michael.

He wants me…

It’s crazy, brutal sex. Hard and fast. Wrong. Sordid. Dirty. Sex.

He makes me come with his fingers, his body buried deep within mine as I tense up. And as my release ends, his begins. I feel him explode inside me, feel him flood me with his toxic power, and I fall back against him, his arm circling my waist, holding me. For a second we stay there, in silence, my head resting against his shoulder, his breath hot on my neck as his breathing slows down.

His fingers remain curled around mine. He’s still inside me, and for a second or two I allow calm to spread through me. I breathe in deeply and squeeze his hand before I ready myself to let go of this, to head back to reality. I have a job to do.

I needed him. He temporarily fixed me, but I’ll break again. I always do. But I know he’ll be there. To fix me…

Chapter 3

I don’t want Michael to know that I called Ernie. And I asked Ernie not to tell Michael I’d been in touch; asked if we could meet away from the university. I don’t want my husband to know I’ve talked to him. And Ernie’s going to ask why, of course he is. As far as I’m aware Michael hasn’t told any of his colleagues that we’re not even living in the same house anymore, that we’re barely talking. Or maybe he has, I don’t know. I’m about to find out.

I park the car and head inside the pub – one I chose because it’s a little way out of Durham. A country pub, in the true sense of the word. Cosy seating, a real fire, beams on the ceiling; it’s quaint. I’ve been here before, once, with Liam, so I’m vaguely familiar with its layout, and I scan the room as I look for Ernie. Professor Ernie Waterford, a man who isn’t just Michael’s work colleague, he’s also his friend. Our friend. He was Michael’s lecturer before he became his mentor, and he’s always been there, on the periphery of our lives. I just have no idea how much Michael’s confided in him over the past year or so, if at all. Maybe he hasn’t needed to. He’s had her, hasn’t he?

He’s sitting at a table in the corner, by the fire, which isn’t lit today because we’re heading into summer. I make my way over to him and as I approach, he stands up, holds out his arms and hugs me. The usual, familiar bear hug I always receive from Ernie.

‘Ellie, my darling, how are you?’

He waits for me to sit down before he takes his seat. A gentleman to the end. ‘I’m fine.’

I’m not. I’m so far from fine.

He looks at me, sits back down in his chair, crosses his legs and clasps his hands together in his lap. He knows something’s wrong. It’s obvious something’s wrong, otherwise why would I insist that he keeps this meeting secret from Michael?

‘Why did you want to speak to me?’ he asks. ‘Don’t get me wrong, it’s always a pleasure to spend time with you, it’s just a little unusual for you to request something so … clandestine?’

I pause, and for a second I wonder if I’ve done the right thing, coming here. I’m still not sure who I can trust, but that brief moment of clarity soon disappears. I’ve been left with so few choices now. This is what I’ve been driven to. ‘You … you know that Michael and I – we’ve been through a lot. Things have been tough – really tough, and I don’t know how much Michael’s told you…’

‘He hasn’t spoken to me in any great detail about anything personal, Ellie.’

I briefly look down, aware that I’m fiddling with my wedding ring, twisting it round and round my finger. And then I raise my gaze, look Ernie in the eye.

‘Have you noticed anything … odd about Michael’s behaviour over the past few months?’

He frowns slightly. ‘Odd? No, not really, but to be honest, Ellie, I’m not around as much as I used to be. I don’t see Michael all that often … is something wrong?’

I shake my head, even though it’s obvious I’m lying. I just don’t want to tell him too much. But there are things I need to know, so I’m pushing this.

‘That student – the one who invaded our home, the one who…’ I look down again, closing my eyes for a second or two while I try to compose myself. And then I feel his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently, his voice quiet as he leans in to me.

‘I’ll go and get us some drinks. The usual?’

His tone is kind and I nod without looking up. I’m scared that if I look at him right now I might cry. There’ve been times over the years when Ernie has felt more like a father to me than my own ever was. He’s always cared, even from a distance. That’s why I’m here now, because he cares about me and Michael, and whatever I need to know, he’ll tell me if he can. I’m sure of that.

My phone ringing out distracts me and I reach for it on the table, turning the volume down as I glance at the screen. It’s Liam. It’s nearly always Liam. I answer it, sitting back in my chair as I look around the pub. It’s fairly busy for a weekday afternoon, and I wonder if Michael brings her to places like this. Out of the way places. Secluded, secret places where he has little chance of his infidelity being discovered. The kind of places I come to with Liam, but that’s different. Our situation is different. I need Liam. He doesn’t need Ava.

‘You’re not at work, Ellie. Where are you?’

Sometimes he treats me like a child. He has no right to know my every move.

And I have every right to know my husband’s?

‘I’m in a meeting, Liam.’

That’s not entirely a lie. This is a meeting, of sorts.

‘Come to mine tonight. Please. I don’t like the idea of you being in that house alone.’

‘Then you come to me.’

Strange though it may seem, whilst I once hated being alone there, I don’t want to leave my home, even though it doesn’t feel much like one right now. There are times when it feels more like a prison. But I don’t want to walk away, I’m not giving up. It’s going to feel like a home again, one day. When Michael’s back and all that’s broken is fixed.

‘Is that what you want?’

‘Yes.’

‘Okay … are you all right?’

‘You keep asking me that, Liam.’

‘Because I care about you. I love you…’

‘Stop saying that. Please.’

I glance over at the bar. Ernie’s coming back with our drinks.

‘I have to go. I’ll call you later.’

I hang up and toss my phone into my bag.

‘Here we go. Gin and tonic, ice and lemon. Just how you like it.’

‘Thank you.’ I smile and take a sip of the gin, enjoying the feeling of the cold liquid hitting my throat.

‘Is there something you need to talk about, Ellie?’

I look up, his eyes meeting mine, and I’m back in control now. I’m good. ‘Before it happened – that night … Ernie, you know the kind of man Michael is.’

He raises an eyebrow, steeples his fingers together under his chin. ‘The kind of man…?’

‘Tactile. Flirtatious. Charming.’

‘There’s nothing wrong in being that kind of man, Ellie.’

‘There is if that kind of man takes advantage of his position.’

He frowns again, his eyes still fixed on mine, but he remains silent. He waits for me to expand on that.

‘Has he ever – have you ever seen him act in an inappropriate way with any of his students?’

Ernie leans forward and drops his hands, his eyes staring deep into mine. ‘What are you trying to say, Ellie?’

‘You know why she did what she did. Why she came to our home, why she attacked me, you know why she did that. She did it because she had some ridiculous notion that Michael had promised her some warped kind of happy-ever-after, and I just need to know…’ I take a second to breathe. ‘I need to know if it really was a ridiculous notion.’ I raise my head, and look back at Ernie. ‘I need to know if his behaviour is something I should’ve been worried about a lot sooner.’

Ernie’s frown deepens. ‘You think Michael may have had inappropriate relationships with students?’

‘The way he is – the way he behaves…’

‘He’s an excellent lecturer, Ellie. The kind of person who draws people in, holds their attention. It’s a very special quality, not one many possess. And it isn’t unusual for students to sometimes develop crushes on their professors…’

‘What she felt was more than a crush, Ernie.’

He throws me an apologetic look. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that to sound as flippant as it may have come across.’

I sit back, and try to ignore the anger that’s starting to kick up inside of me. All around me life continues, and I’m envious of all those people who don’t have a darkness surrounding them. They’re lucky.

‘There’s another student … Ava. I can’t remember her surname … I think he might be…’ I can’t bring myself to say it. I’ve already said too much. ‘I think he might be sleeping with her.’

I turn back to face Ernie. His expression is one of confusion, surprise; concern. For what I’ve just told him? Or for me? Has Michael told him how unstable he thinks I’ve become? No. Ernie said he hasn’t spoken to him in any detail about anything personal, but then, I’m surrounded by liars, aren’t I? Ernie could be lying too. I really don’t know who I can trust anymore.

‘What makes you think something’s going on between Michael and this student?’

I drop my gaze, look back down at that gold band on my finger. ‘I’ve seen them together. Outside of the university…’ I stop talking. I can’t let him know I’ve had Michael followed. I can’t let him know I listened in to his calls, read his texts. If I tell him that then he’s just going to think that I’m crazy. Unhinged. Paranoid. Everything my husband thinks I am, but I’m none of those things. He’s just driven me to this with his lack of concern. Lack of comfort.

‘Have you seen anything that makes you think he’s sleeping with her?’ Ernie asks, and the tone of his voice now is akin to that of someone speaking to a child. It irritates me, makes my skin prickle. I can feel that anger edging back now.

It was a mistake, coming here. I shouldn’t have done it. I stupidly thought Ernie might have been able to help me, when all this has done is make him pity me.

‘He’s changed, Ernie. He isn’t the man I used to know.’

I’m not the woman I once was either, and all I wanted to do was bring us back to those people. Be those people, again. I thought we could do that. Now I’m not so sure.

Ernie leans forward, and when he looks at me this time the pity is so clear in his eyes it makes me flinch.

‘I thought you’d both come through the other side, Ellie. Every time I saw you, either of you, together or alone, you always seemed like you’d fought what happened and won.’

‘Sometimes everything you see isn’t the truth.’

I pick up my bag and reach into it for my car keys. This was a mistake.

‘I should go now. I have a meeting in Newcastle later, I don’t want to be late.’

A lie. I have no meetings. Carmen’s looking after everything today.

‘Ellie, are you sure you’re okay?’

I try to summon up a smile, but I’m not convinced the one I give him reaches my eyes.

‘I’m fine. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here, and I shouldn’t have said what I did, I’m just being stupid. Me and Michael are going through a bit of a rough patch, that’s all. It happens. Especially when you’ve been through everything we have. We’ll be fine. We’ll work it out.’

‘I’m sure that whatever it was you thought you saw, between Michael and this student – it’s just his way, Ellie.’

Just his way… Something I’m expected to accept, right?

‘Forget I said anything, Ernie, I really am sorry. You’re right. I’m probably just reading something into a situation that doesn’t exist.’

Am I? Really?

He stands up, comes over to me, takes both my hands in his and smiles. He seems almost relieved. ‘You have nothing to apologize for, my darling. I had no idea things were still affecting you so badly.’

Nobody has any idea how badly everything is still affecting me. Nobody.

‘I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine. We just need a bit more time, that’s all.’

I lean in to kiss his cheek, but I do need to go now.

‘You take care, Ellie.’

I throw him what I hope is a more convincing smile and start to walk away, but then I stop. I turn back around.

‘You won’t tell Michael we met today, will you? Only, I don’t want to worry him. He still worries, you know?’

Ernie nods, just the slightest dip of his head, and I can only hope that he’ll respect my wishes. I just have to trust him.

As I walk out of the pub into the afternoon sunshine, I feel everything from anger and frustration at my own naivety to an overwhelming sadness at what I’ve become. What my life has become. I feel alone. Isolated, confused and scared, and I can’t have that. Those feelings can’t take over, I haven’t stopped fighting yet. I’m tired, and there’s a tiny part of me that wants to give up but I refuse to do that.

Michael loved me once.

He’ll love me again.

He’ll love me. Again…

Chapter 4

‘Hey, you,’ Liam murmurs into my neck as he slides his arms around me from behind, his hands edging up under my T-shirt. His T-shirt. It’s all I’m wearing. We’ve just had sex in the shower, my skin’s still damp, my body tingling with the memory of him pounding into me against the tiled wall as the water cascaded down over us. I shiver, and he laughs, a sound which vibrates into my shoulder and I shiver again.

I turn around and look at him, all tall and handsome in nothing but his jeans, his dark-blonde hair pushed back off his face, those steel-grey eyes of his shining. He’s been a part of my life for so long, will I ever be able to let him go? That thought scares me, because this was never meant to be anything more than sex. Fun. An escape. I’m fighting for my husband, for that life I want back – I don’t want this. Not forever.

I reach out, grab hold of the waistband of his jeans and I pull him towards me. I kiss him, and he smiles, and for one wonderful, fleeting moment everything feels okay. The darkness lifts and I see light, but it doesn’t last. The darkness always returns.

He tucks a finger under my chin, and tilts up my face, his eyes locking on mine. ‘I hate seeing you so sad, Ellie. What I said before, about us leaving here, leaving all this shit behind, I still mean that. We can still do that.’

‘I can’t, Liam…’

I pull away from him, walk out of the kitchen, into the living room. I don’t want to talk about leaving. I’m not leaving.

‘You and Michael – it’s over, Ellie.’

I swing around to face him, shaking my head, I refuse to believe him.

‘And I’m not doing this to hurt you…’

‘Then stop saying it.’

He comes over to me, and rests his palm against my cheek, forcing me to look at him. ‘He’s sleeping with a student. A student who’s pregnant…’

‘We don’t know it’s his.’

‘Jesus, Ellie, wake up! If it isn’t his then why the hell is he with her? All those meetings, those pictures Karl showed you… Baby, you need to stop fighting this. You’ve put your life on hold for far too long while he’s been out there living his. Without you.’

I shake my head again, he’s wrong. He’s wrong.

‘He doesn’t love you anymore, how can he? But I do.’ He leans in to me, his thumb stroking my cheek, his mouth almost touching mine as he speaks. ‘I love you.’

He kisses me, and I press my hand against his chest, feel his heart beating hard. Fast. I don’t want him to love me, so I should push him away and end this. I should. But I can’t. Without him I’m weak. Alone. I need him to lean on. Or do I really just need to feel loved…?

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