TEN TIMES HAPPIER
Owen O’Kane

Copyright

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

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First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2020

Copyright © Owen O’Kane 2020

Owen O’Kane asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

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Source ISBN: 9780008378233

Ebook Edition © 2020 ISBN: 9780008378240

Version: 2020-04-16

Dedication

This is dedicated to every client who has shared their story with me and allowed me the privilege of journeying with them on the road to a happier life.

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Introduction

1. Stop Looking Back, You’re Not Going That Way

2. Get Out of Your Head

3. No Regrets

4. The Worry Trap

5. Hell is Other People

6. Kick the Habit

7. Stop Blaming and Take Responsibility

8. Comparison is the Thief of Joy

9. High-Drama Living

10. Living in the Now

Epilogue: It Takes Work But It’s Worth It

Resources

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Also by Owen O’Kane

About the Publisher

INTRODUCTION

Do you ever feel disappointed with your life and have a sense that you could be happier than you currently are? If so, I believe that this is fully achievable on the condition that you are willing to let go of some of the stuff in life that’s holding you back.

This belief, based on my twenty-five years’ experience working in frontline physical and mental health services, motivated me to write Ten Times Happier. Whatever your story, I believe you can be happier than you are now, whether that’s twice as happy or ten times happier!

Working as a therapist I see people suffering every day. It’s possible life may have dealt you some very harsh cards. But have you ever considered that you, unwittingly, might be adding to your suffering more than you realize? I truly believe this is one of the key reasons people struggle in life. You have a powerful role in turning this around.

I want to be honest from the start: if you are expecting a quick-fix, hoping-and-wishing, affirmation-based approach to finding happiness, you won’t find it here. I’m not that type of person or therapist. What I am is passionate about helping people lead happier, more fulfilled lives by teaching them to understand why they struggle, and how they can move forward.

Reading this book in itself will not change your life but acting on the solutions will. I can promise you that.

ABOUT ME

If I’m offering solutions for a happier life, then I owe it to you to tell you some of my story.

I am a psychotherapist trained in several types of therapy that can help with managing ‘everyday life’ problems, emotions and the mind. I have a dual medical and psychotherapy background with over twenty-five years’ experience of working in healthcare, some of which I spent caring for the terminally ill, and some working as a clinical lead for an NHS mental health service in London.

I am also a writer. My first book Ten to Zen tackled finding calm in life. I wanted this new book to look at happiness because, let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to be happier?

Outside of my professional life, I know what it’s like to struggle. It’s what drew me to my job. I think it’s important to tell you this. I am not a person who lives in a constant bubble of smiling joy and platitudes. That would be painful to inflict on anyone.

I grew up in Belfast, Northern Ireland, during The Troubles, within an ordinary working-class family. It was a very traumatic time for me living in what can be best described as a war zone for most of my formative years.

I was also badly bullied in my youth, with a sense of not fitting in – which I later discovered was the result of my sexuality making me feel different – playing a huge part in my early story. Trust me when I say that being Irish, Catholic and gay back in the Seventies, Eighties and Nineties was not a walk in the park. I guess it was a ‘triple threat’ of sorts. That said, there was also a lot of love around which kept me sane.

I left Ireland in my early twenties for London, where I met my partner Mark, and we now live together with our dog, Kate. Over the years, I have developed my career, travelled the world and worked hard at turning a difficult past into a learning experience. I had to unlearn and let go of many things. I believe in making the best of my life. I also believe happiness is important.

In summary, happiness didn’t come easy for me, so everything I’m talking about in this book, I say as a professional and as a person who has walked the walk!

HAPPINESS

When I talk about happiness, I don’t want to offer a definition of what happiness will look like for you. I don’t think anyone can do that. You will know what a happier life will look like, whether that’s feeling more content, free, relaxed, unburdened, or authentic. It could be one thing; it may be many.

For me, I am happiest when I am at ease with myself and the people in my life. It’s not always a natural state. Sometimes it can go away, of course, but thankfully I know the way back. This is ultimately what I want to share with you. Getting you back on track to your happiness, whatever that means. But it involves effort, commitment and willingness to start letting go of the things that get in your way. I’ll explain.

HOW DOES THIS BOOK WORK?

When I was planning this book, I agonized over how I would structure it in a way that was meaningful and would make sense to everyone who would read it. I had an epiphany moment one day when I was out walking my dog. To be honest, I was clearing up the dog’s poop when a question came to mind: ‘What do most people you treat struggle with?’ And that laid the foundation for this book!

We are all driven by three systems at any given moment:

• Threat: anxiety, fear, protective mechanisms, guarded behaviours, avoidance

• Drive: achieving, distracting, fast living, substances to help us cope

• Soothe: self-soothing strategies that help us manage life (e.g. meditating, time out, self-compassion, soothing voice)

Almost every person I have ever treated in therapy wants to be a little happier. Most are driven by the threat and drive systems which are not in balance, and few of them can self-soothe. Despite coming to me with vastly different stories, almost 100 per cent of my clients have presented with similar themes that interfere with their happiness. Directly or indirectly they all link to the threat and drive systems being activated.

I’ve identified the top ten key themes:

1. The past

2. The mind

3. Regrets

4. Worry

5. Other people

6. Unhelpful behaviours

7. Blaming

8. Comparing

9. Addiction to drama

10. The future

All of these behaviours and preoccupations contribute significantly to feelings of unhappiness. I believe for each one you tackle – by engaging more with your soothing system along with more adaptive coping strategies, which I’ll be teaching you – you have the opportunity to be happier than when you started.

Throughout the book you will work through a four-step process for dealing with each area by looking at:

• Why you are struggling and what the underlying psychological processes are

• Solutions for how to move forward

• What commitment is required

• How this will improve your life and contribute to your happiness.

The only requirements are an open mind and allowing a little time to think over the material I’m presenting. It will also be useful to have a notebook to use as a journal so you can write down your thoughts and record your progress at various points.

I wholeheartedly believe there will be insights here that will help shape your life and future happiness.

A FEW PRACTICALITIES

I have changed the names and amended details of any clients, stories or case studies mentioned in the book. This is to protect anonymity and of course respect the stories of people involved. Any similarities are purely coincidental.

Whilst I hope this book can offer great help and support to you, please always seek professional guidance and support if you are struggling to manage. The book isn’t therapy in itself but offers tools to help you cope and move forward with the areas that are keeping you stuck. I provide a list of support organizations at the end of the book.

But for now, let’s get started as we move to the first chapter on your journey to a happier life.

CHAPTER 1
STOP LOOKING BACK, YOU’RE NOT GOING THAT WAY

It was week four of a twelve-week group programme for ten very depressed clients. I was a newly qualified therapist in the early days of my career. I had a nice circle of chairs set up and a scented candle burning, and I was even wearing my therapist cardigan. What could go wrong? In short, everything! All of the clients in the group were angry, frustrated and disillusioned with everything, and that included me. I was stuck and they were stuck. The only comfort in the room was the wafting smell of the lavender and ginger candle.

Suddenly one of the participants, Angela, a recently divorced mum of two young children, declared, ‘Therapy is bullsh*t, all we do is sit and complain.’ There was rapturous applause from the group and there it was, my therapist light bulb moment.

I had an intuitive urge to ask everyone in the group to stand up, which I did. In truth I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to do with them but I knew I had to do something. I had to think on my feet, knowing that the ‘Hokey Cokey’ or a group hug wasn’t going to cut it in this instance. Trust me, ten angry, depressed clients are not an easy audience and I momentarily felt like I was in the lion’s den!

Then something quite magical happened. As the group stood up they suddenly quietened and a new mood of curiosity entered the room. Doing what any therapist would do, I commented on the change of atmosphere. A reply soon followed from Angela: ‘Well, at least now we’re doing something to get us out of this mess.’ It was the doing something that opened the door to new possibilities.

More quick thinking was required on my part. I realized the only props I had in the room were a window looking out onto a nice view of some trees and a dark, crumbling wall on the other side of the room. I decided these polar opposite views would be my tools. The window would represent a future that looked more hopeful and the dark wall would represent all the difficulties in the past that helped maintain depression.

I asked the entire group to form a line while I explained to them what the window and the wall represented. Then I asked them to turn towards the side of the room that represented what they would like therapy to focus on. Almost perfectly synchronized, they all turned towards the window. There was silence as they looked out onto the trees and a tangible sense of calm entered the room.

I then asked them where they felt their attention was focussed most of the time in everyday life. Again, perfectly synchronized, without hesitancy, they all turned towards the wall. None of the group said anything as they continued to stare at the wall. After a moment’s silence, I asked a simple question: ‘What do you think might be the problem with spending a lot of time focussed on the wall?’

This time the reply came from John, a twenty-four-year-old who rarely spoke in the group.

John’s career as a professional sportsman had ended suddenly after an accident caused serious injuries. He felt hopeless and was struggling to move forward with his life. He gently said, ‘If I stay stuck looking at this wall, I have my back turned to the future.’

And at that moment, amazingly, everyone independently and unprompted turned back towards the window, some slowly, some reluctantly, and some more deliberately. This was to be our focus in therapy for the remaining weeks.

We agreed together as a group that the dark wall would always be there but rather than ignore or deny it, they would learn from those dark past experiences to help them move forward.

Working with this group changed how I worked as a therapist. Early in my therapist’s career I truly became aware of the detrimental impact of holding on to the past. What I noticed most was that my clients were either trapped going over events from their past or felt they had to follow unsustainable rules they’d created as a means of self-protection during or following unpleasant past events. When they started to let go of what no longer served a purpose, symptoms of depression lifted like a fog and happiness emerged from a place of great darkness. The entire group began to recover as, step by step, they started to let the past be.

It was incredibly humbling and a privilege to be part of this process of healing. Each week the atmosphere in the room lightened, laughter increased and at the final session everyone in the group brought an item that would remind them of the process. I was struck most by one woman, Jean, who brought a blank white page. She held it up and said, ‘I’ve brought this today because I have a chance to write a new, more hopeful story.’

There was a sudden cheer from the group, a few tears and a tangible sense of optimism in the room. A completely different atmosphere from twelve weeks earlier. I should mention that I ditched the cardigan and scented candle.

There’s a good reason that the first chapter of this book focuses on the past. Everyone reading this will have ‘stuff’ from the past that is getting in the way of life today. It could be violence in the family, bullying as a child, poverty, hardship, abuse, rejection, disappointments, failures, or things that didn’t work out. The list is endless, as is the impact! It’s not only the events that create issues though; it is also the rules and beliefs we learn from our past that sometimes keep us stuck. For some this can be like living in a straitjacket, with little psychological flexibility. I’ll talk more about this later.

By the same token, almost every client I work with arrives at therapy feeling trapped in the past. Often, they have no idea how to get free. Many years back, I myself arrived in therapy for the first time, aged twenty-two. I thought I needed some help with worry and told the therapist I was otherwise ‘pretty sorted’. Boy, was I in for a surprise! I started to explore how my past was impacting on me and realized why I was almost paralyzed with fear. Therapy was the most liberating experience of my life. Ironically my therapist was a nun and a truly amazing woman. I worried at the time she might be judgemental or be the wrong fit for me. That fear subsided when she said, ‘You’ve had a pretty sh*t time, and deserve more. Let’s put away the stuff you don’t need. I think it’s time for you to shine.’ I have never forgotten that.

Back to the past: I’m not advocating that you attempt to simply erase from your mind any difficult stuff from your past and pretend it hasn’t happened. That doesn’t help. Indeed, my experience is that it can make things worse. Yet I believe you can begin to come to terms with your past and learn to manage it. You can become victorious rather than victimized. You can flourish rather than flounder. All of this is a choice. Your past can be a teacher, a motivator, an influencer, and part of your successes. But you need to allow it to do that.

It’s important for me to be honest with you from the outset. There are no magic wand solutions to moving forward from your past. It’s not a case of repeating a mantra and your issues are all gone. I wish it were that simple. I believe that unless you deal with your past, your future happiness is compromised. With that in mind, I have developed a four-step approach that will help you navigate your way through this.

Using this process, I will be teaching you how to let go of what’s holding you back. The four steps are:

1. Understanding why you become stuck

2. How you can move forward

3. How this will contribute to a happier life

4. Commitment to making the necessary changes.

Let’s be honest, you won’t want to read another sentence of this book unless there is something for you to take away. I promise there is much for you to take away that will change how you live your life. This book does not just provide understanding. It will provide guidance and insight on how to detach from the stuff that is getting in the way of your life and your happiness. The past is a good place to start.

WHY YOU BECOME STUCK

I want to start with some questions, and the reason for this is that they may link closely with your past. It’s important to understand that. Take a little time to ponder these statements and ask yourself if any of them resonate with you:

• I often have thoughts that are self-critical, self-judgemental or self-deprecating. I’m hard on myself

• I avoid taking risks

• I worry a lot

• I find it hard to like myself

• I soothe my emotions with drink, drugs, shopping, gambling or sex

• I ruminate on the past a lot

• I feel flat and lack motivation

• I feel stuck

• I avoid people, places or new situations

• I get angry quickly

• I worry I’m repeating negative patterns I’ve witnessed

• I compare my life to those of others

• I seek validation and reassurance from others

• I feel dissatisfied with my life

• I get overwhelmed sometimes.

If one or all of these statements ring a bell with you, then welcome to your humanity. All of the above are likely closely linked with experiences or learnings from your past so this chapter will have something to say to you.

Most people are struggling with something, but they tend not to share it on Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat. I encourage you when reading this book to be mindful that you are in good company, with many readers (and the writer) tuned in to your struggle. As the old saying goes, ‘We are all in the same boat.’ I’m simply offering some oars, life jackets, and a few flares to get you on your way.

The problem with the past is that it lays the foundations for some challenging behaviours or unhelpful patterns that you might have developed in your current life. Most of the negative thoughts and emotions we experience – anxiety, depression, anger, addiction or hopelessness – can be linked to past experiences. The past is often what keeps current negative patterns alive. The two areas of the past that I witness people struggle with most are:

1. Unhelpful rules or beliefs that they have learnt or inherited

2. Negative or traumatic experiences.

I will tackle these separately as they both require individual attention.

RULES AND BELIEFS

Rules about how you live your life can be helpful but, unfortunately, many are not, especially if they are inflexible or create distress in your life. I’ll share a personal example. In my own life as an Irish Catholic I was taught to always be a good person (with the threat of going to hell if I wasn’t). That was the rule I was taught to abide by. The upside of this is I try to lead a decent life. The flipside is that I learnt how to be hard on myself. Sometimes I experience unnecessary guilt and so I have had to work towards unlearning this rule. I sometimes joke when I’m giving a talk that my personal mantra used to be, ‘If it feels good, it must be bad.’

As children, we are not in a position to know what we can let go of. We simply inherit all of these rules and beliefs from families, cultures or religions. But that doesn’t make them right or healthy.

I suggest that you stop to reflect on some of the rules or beliefs that impact negatively on your life. Remember, not all rules are bad. Some can be beneficial. Focus here on the rules in your life that feel restrictive for you. They usually tend to be prefaced by should or must. I’ll explore later in the chapter how to let go of these influences from your past.

Examples of some unhelpful rules I hear every day in therapy are:

• I must be perfect

• I must not fail

• I must never disappoint

• I should be better

• I must never do anything wrong

• I must be the best

• I should succeed at everything

• I must be a good person.

It is also important to be aware that these beliefs can also flow into how you believe other people should be or behave. For example, if you have a belief you should be perfect, then you might have unrealistic expectations of everyone else. This is never much fun for the partners of perfectionists!

Take a moment here to write down in your journal a few of the rules or beliefs that create challenges for you and make life a struggle at times. The easiest way to do this is to look firstly at the areas you struggle with in life. You can then figure out how your rules might be influencing that. This will then enable you to make decisions about which of those rules serve a positive purpose in your life and which don’t. Take your time with this and don’t be surprised if you feel emotional at times. This is totally normal.

NEGATIVE OR TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES

These experiences are past events you had no control over, which led to damage and hurt in your present life. Only you will know what these events are. As a general rule they tend to feature regularly in your thoughts, impact on your happiness, deplete your self-worth and leave you with a prevailing sense of powerlessness. The most common events from the past I hear people discuss are:

• Abuse of all kinds (emotional, physical, sexual)

• Violence

• Poverty

• Deprivation

• Family conflict

• Addictions

• Bullying

• Cultural conflict

• Hardship.

The list is endless and again I would encourage you for now to simply make a note of any negative or traumatic experiences you would like to start letting go of. In summary, if the event still replays regularly in your mind, creates distress, and impacts on your happiness then you haven’t let it go. In therapy we would say the event hasn’t been processed.

HOW YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD
UNHELPFUL RULES AND BELIEFS

Earlier in the chapter you will have listed some of your unhelpful rules or beliefs learnt from past experiences. I want to keep this really simple by asking you to go back to your rules and for each of them ask:

1. Do these rules work for me?

2. Are they achievable all the time?

If not, then it’s time to re-evaluate and make them more flexible. Remember, as I mentioned earlier, not all rules or beliefs are unhelpful but if they lack flexibility, therein lies the problem.

I worked with a client recently who had very strong rules and beliefs about being a ‘good person’. He did laugh in a therapy session one day when I highlighted that Mother Teresa would have struggled to live with some of his rules! He worked as a fulltime carer, volunteered in a soup kitchen five days a week and sang in the church choir.

His belief was that he should always help people and put others first. If he didn’t, he then saw himself as a bad person. It won’t surprise you that he arrived in therapy exhausted, frustrated and unfulfilled. He was operating from a belief that to be a good person he had to do good all the time. It wasn’t sustainable. Ultimately, he had to learn that he was a good enough person whether or not he engaged in all these activities.

As you look at your rules from earlier I would encourage you now to consider introducing some flexibility to some of the more rigid rules you might have. For example, the rule, I must be perfect, could now become, I don’t need to be perfect all the time. Likewise, I must never disappoint people, could now become, sometimes it’s OK to say no. If it’s helpful for you, write your new flexible rules down in your journal so you can remind yourself of them when needed.

Be mindful that this work takes time and patience. You are rewiring your brain to respond more flexibly. Sometimes you will fail and want to return to the safety of what you are familiar with but stay focussed on the new freedom and flexibility this will eventually bring.

You are now giving yourself the opportunity to rewrite the rules from your past, and make the new rules work for you. You are no longer living by the unhelpful inherited rules that simply don’t work for you.

It is important to be mindful that you can respect the inherited rules of your past but you don’t have to agree with them.

Living your life by rules that are not comfortable for you is tough. It’s almost like walking through life in a pair of shoes that are the wrong size. It will be uncomfortable, restrictive and painful at times. You now have the option of choosing a more comfortable fit. Take it from me, I’ve spent many years wearing size seven hobnail boots, when a pair of size nine loafers would have been a much better fit.

NEGATIVE OR TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES

Some negative or traumatic past experiences will get in the way of your life if they are not dealt with. I am confident some of what I offer you here will be immensely helpful and allow you to move forward. It is worth mentioning some long-standing deep issues from the past may need discussion with a professional, simply to help you process the events and leave them in the past. Not everyone needs therapy, but some people do. There is no right or wrong here. Simply be aware that there are options for how you decide to manage this section of our work together. If self-help work isn’t enough, always seek professional guidance.

The approach I use to help process a difficult experience or event from the past encourages you to ask yourself five key questions about that event in the here and now:

1. Ruminating. Is there any benefit to holding on to this hurt from the past?

2. Self-judgement. Was it your fault this painful event or circumstance took place?

3. Expectations of self. At the time of the event can you accept it would have been difficult to have the perfect mindset to deal with it?

4. Self-blaming. Did you wish for this event or experience, which ultimately had a negative impact, to happen?

5. Mindful awareness. Can you accept the actual event is in the past and you are now safe?

In the vast majority of cases the answer to all or some of these questions is likely to be no. But no matter how many you answer no to, the main aim is learning to stop with any self-judgement or self-blame, which can often accompany these experiences.

What I know from the hundreds of clients I have treated over the years is that holding on to the past causes one thing only: pain. My interest is in easing that pain and I believe the solution lies in the five alternative options below which link to the questions I have just asked. For example, if harsh self-judgement is one of your patterns, then you have the option to drop this and replace it with something more helpful. Below are some of the alternatives I propose you take on board. You will know what resonates with you.

I suggest you reflect on a past event that troubles you and work through each of the five points below with the event in mind. It will help you find a new perspective.

FIVE ALTERNATIVE OPTIONS FOR MANAGING THE PAST

1. You don’t need to replay this event over and over again. That achieves nothing other than keeping you stuck in the past. If you are unable to stop replaying it, this is when professional support is important.

2. Ease up with the self-judgement. Self-blaming or punishment is never helpful.

3. Remember whatever happened, it’s over now and you have survived.

4. Taking care of yourself is of utmost importance. Do this with compassion.

5. None of what has happened can be changed now. You deserve a happier future.

HOW THIS WILL CONTRIBUTE TO A HAPPIER LIFE

Learning to manage the past will liberate you and allow you to experience a new sense of empowerment. When I talk about ‘managing the past’, I am encouraging you to use these techniques that will help you file away memories that are no longer needed in the here and now. You will no longer be controlled by unhelpful or painful aspects of your past. Instead the past can now become a teacher, a tool for wisdom.

THE EVIDENCE AND RESEARCH

What we know from all the major research papers on depression and other mood ‘disorders’ is that one of the strongest factors for maintaining low mood is ruminating on the past. Let me explain this a little more. In short, if you replay the same material in your mind over and over again, then you are reliving the experience in an unhelpful way. If you are feeling low or want to avoid negative changes in your mood then scientifically the evidence is clear: don’t overthink the past. Overthinking will not change what has happened, it will not lead to a resolution, and it will keep you stuck. If you still feel stuck after following the steps in this chapter or it seems impossible to not think about events, that is when professional help might be considered to help you process whatever is going on.

It’s a similar story with anxiety. Many of the latest neuroscientific developments on mindfulness indicate that living in the present moment deactivates the brain’s threat centre (the amygdala) and reduces symptoms of anxiety. When excessive time is spent focussing on the past then the present moment gets lost, leading to rising anxiety levels.

Almost all of the research into self-esteem has also clearly shown that when people do not challenge or restructure unhelpful rules or beliefs from the past then self-esteem issues become more prominent in adult life.

In short, if you dwell too much on traumatic events of the past or unhelpful rules and beliefs, you can be robbed of your future. I present to you a choice: a future nourished by your past or one that is sabotaged by it.

COMMITMENT

I hold a belief that changes don’t happen in life unless we commit to them. Imagine you were to move forward focussed on building a hopeful future, with the same energy that you’ve previously dedicated to your past. Can you visualize how much power you would reclaim? Can you see how much potential there is? You have the chance to rewrite the script of your life. Can you see what an amazing opportunity that is?

With that in mind I invite you now to write down in your journal your commitment to yourself. What will you do to help you engage less with the unhelpful parts of your past?

For example, you could consider how you reduce time spent thinking over events. What items that activate unhelpful memories could you dispose of? How can your behaviour towards yourself change? What have you learnt from the events? How will you treat yourself more compassionately going forward? What rules can you drop, amend or tweak?

CASE STUDY

In the introduction, I promised some real-life case stories on how my approach impacts and influences lives for the better. In my line of work as a psychotherapist I have learnt that you sometimes must be brave enough to appropriately share parts of your own story and that’s what I want to start by doing. It is often easy for professionals like me to hide behind our titles. However, we are human beings. We are all in this life together, making our way through and trying to make sense of it all. If I am going to invite you to listen to my teachings and experiences, then I equally owe it to you to share some of my story at times.

When I was a young boy I was severely bullied at school. I was different from the other kids in Belfast. I was learning to play piano, loved the theatre and never quite understood why the other boys wanted to run after a ball as a means of entertainment! I’m still working on that. Of course, they didn’t understand me either. I was the 1970s equivalent of Billy Elliot minus the dance moves. I lived in a world of make-believe, while many of the other kids were living in a different world.

After many years of bullying, rejection and humiliation, I started to ask questions such as, ‘Am I good enough? Am I the problem? Why don’t I fit it?’ I wasn’t happy.

Fast-forward to my adult years and of course this part of my past travels with me, like a hanger-on at a party. I realize that I sometimes doubt myself and feel anxious. It was in my own therapy I discovered that I didn’t have to live by some of my inherited rules and beliefs about fitting in or pleasing people. I discovered I was good enough and that the problem wasn’t me. Other people who couldn’t tolerate difference were the problem.

If I had made the choice to continue listening to this message from my past then I wouldn’t have gone to university, created a nice life and become a successful therapist and writer. I made the conscious decision to acknowledge the hurt this part of my past caused but it didn’t have to define my future or block my happiness. I had to practise the letting go I talk about. I had to learn new flexible rules and most importantly I had to learn to accept and like myself. Happiness for me truly is an ‘inside job’.

Another part of my past also worth sharing is my growing up in Northern Ireland during The Troubles. Living in Belfast during an intense period of bombs and bullets was a scary experience. I learnt from a very young age that life wasn’t safe and threat was everywhere. To be fair, during that time there was some truth in this. Yet when I moved away from Northern Ireland I had to learn to start letting go of this part of my past otherwise all of life would appear a threat. It’s difficult to feel happy if under threat.

When I moved to London I went to see my first ever West End show with a friend. I was ecstatic and the moment of entering the theatre was one of the best of my life. This was the stuff I had dreamt of as a child. However, it was short lived. The opening scene of the play had an unexpected gunshot sound and I instantly jumped to the floor. No one else budged! Yes, all my street credibility was lost in a moment and you can imagine some of the strange glances from the surrounding audience as they wondered about the strange man on the floor.

That strange man on the floor was hardwired to fear loud bangs, traumatized from an early life of bombs in Belfast. I had to relearn that not all loud noises were a threat. My anxious brain had to be rewired from earlier traumas. This was a part of my past I had to deal with.

Experience has taught me to use this part of my past in my work as a therapist to help other people manage anxiety. I didn’t have to be defined by a negative aspect of my past. Neither do you. Whatever has happened in your past, it doesn’t have to define you.

There is a wise expression: ‘Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.’ Sometimes we have to look back but it doesn’t mean we should keep looking there. The people in my depression therapy group decided to stop looking back and it became their way forward. I now pass this insight on to you. The past is over. You can rewrite your rules. You can let go of the difficult stuff. You are not going that way any more.

Where we will go next, though, is to your mind. Together we can explore how it may also be getting in the way of your happiness and what you can do about that.

SUMMARY

• Negative past experiences that have not been dealt with can get in the way of your happiness.

• Some of the rules and beliefs inherited from your past may not serve you well now.

• Learning to let go of difficult past events will bring you a new sense of freedom.

• Learning to create new, flexible rules and beliefs will offer psychological flexibility. This will contribute to your happiness.

• You have a choice to take control and not be dominated by the darker parts of your past.

CHAPTER 2
GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD

Have you ever stopped to consider that your mind, and how you relate to it, might play an enormous role in how happy you are? With absolute confidence, I can assure you it does. My mind once sabotaged my happiness on a mindfulness retreat! I’ll explain.

I had always thought of myself as a mindful and pretty chilled kind of guy. That was until I attended a mindfulness teacher-training course.

It was an intensive retreat over nine days, with very early starts and late finishes – often after 10 p.m. Most meals were in silence and large parts of the day were spent practising mindfulness. Set in a beautiful location in the heart of the countryside, it should have been the perfect place for calm. We were privileged to have the inspirational Melanie Fennell (a very respected figure in the world of therapy and mindfulness) as our coach – and her words ‘just notice’ played a huge part in my training. But calm didn’t come easy.

Before the course I had envisaged nine days of peace and tranquillity leading to a blissful state of contentment. But I was wrong. Once I had the space to breathe and find silence, I discovered that my mind didn’t stop.

• If it wasn’t worrying, then it was planning.

• If it wasn’t thinking about the future, then it was replaying the past.

• If it had nothing to do, then it would start wondering what was for dinner or what the other participants were doing.

I thought I was a pretty calm person, but I was astounded to discover I had a mind on overdrive that didn’t quite know how to slow down.

The experience was uncomfortable but an incredible breakthrough. My mind was getting in the way of living and of my happiness. And this realization was swiftly followed by another – that I would now be a lot better at being able to identify with, and help, my clients for whom this was also a problem.

The volume of the noise in my head was astounding. For example, it was day four of the course and I was seated ready for a forty-five-minute guided mindful meditation. The focus was compassion. I had been looking forward to this meditation and had made a decision that it was going to be a perfect, peaceful one.

This was not the case. Even before the meditation started, I was irritated with my position in the room, as it was close to a door. I had planned to arrive on time to get a better seat but I’d been delayed. This started a self-attack in my head: ‘You idiot, why did you arrive so late?’ There wasn’t much compassion happening at this stage!

And it got worse. My next irritation was a person close to me breathing too loudly, followed by a cramp in my leg, and then my tummy started to gurgle louder than it has ever done in my life. The noise in my head got louder, the self-criticism strengthened and suddenly I was telling myself this was all a waste of time. I was deflated, disappointed and by that stage I just wanted to give up on the course. Here I was, a therapist on meditation training, and I couldn’t get the basics right.

When the meditation session had ended, I had an opportunity to discuss the experience with my mentor. I described what happened and to my surprise, she smiled. ‘Wow,’ she said. ‘Sounds like a great meditation.’

I was stunned. What was so great about that? But as she explained, it was a great meditation because I had noticed my mind. I had noticed all of the activity and frustration. But it hadn’t stopped me trying to meditate. It was fine if I noticed all of the activity in my mind – noticing it didn’t mean I had to engage with it. This was one of the most liberating moments of my life. I realized I needed to learn the skill of managing my mind and regulating the volume.

Our minds are at the centre of all our experiences. You are learning the skill of taking back control of your mind, so it doesn’t take control of you.

WHY YOU BECOME STUCK

I believe that most human distress relates to what goes on in our minds. Regardless of the event, how we feel about it always links back to how our minds interpret it. That will always vary from person to person. Going on a roller coaster terrifies me, whereas my partner behaves like an excited child! Essentially, it’s difficult to live a happy life if you haven’t got a handle on your mind.

A client, Nick, who was struggling with anger issues and depression, described in a session with me an event in his life that perfectly illustrated this. One day, he was driving to work and he encountered a delay at a railway level crossing. Nick was only one car away from getting past the gate but just as he approached, the gate came down and he was forced to stop. Even though it is standard procedure for a gate to block traffic crossing the rail tracks when a train is passing through – in fact, it’s vital for safety – he was furious. He got out and started to scream at the car in front of him for not driving fast enough. He kicked the gate at the level crossing and then returned to his car to persistently sound his horn until the train had passed and the gate was raised.

When we explored his actions, Nick was able to reflect that, at the time, his mind felt ‘as if it were going to explode’. He wanted to get to his destination quickly and his mind was telling him:

• This is just your bad luck

• This shouldn’t be happening

• You will be late getting to work

• Why do trains get priority?

• The driver in front of you caused the problem

• This isn’t fair.

Nick had listened to these thoughts, started to engage with them and then responded by screaming, jumping out of his car, and sounding his horn continuously.

In this moment Nick’s mind was inappropriately in threat mode. His amygdala, the centre in the brain that protects us from danger, was telling him there was a threat and he should react accordingly. There wasn’t any real danger but his threat system reacted because something hadn’t gone to plan. But by following the steps outlined on pages 47–9, Nick could have had a very different reaction. If Nick had allowed himself time and space to acknowledge but not to engage with the content of his mind, his thoughts would have been quieter and more flexible, and would perhaps have played out something like this:

• That’s a shame but it’s OK, I can wait

• Better to be safe than have an accident

• I’ll listen to the radio while waiting.

The more Nick is able to practise this approach, then the easier it becomes for him longer term.

Can you see the difference in his thoughts? And how they in turn would have produced a very different reaction, too? If we believe everything our minds tell us it won’t always produce a rational, sensible outcome.

UNDERSTANDING OUR MINDS A LITTLE MORE

We have around 60–80,000 thoughts per day according to neuroscientific research. Some of the research indicates that as much as 60 to 70 per cent of thought content can be negative in nature. When I say negative, let me give some context. Back in Neanderthal times it was helpful to have fearful protective thoughts as a means of staying safe from predatory animals. The problem is we have evolved as a species and we don’t need as many of these types of thoughts to protect us any more.

It’s important to understand that most of our thoughts are automated processes and link closely with our life experiences, culture, rules, beliefs and predisposition. This is how our neurological pathways develop thought patterns. In simple terms, we have often formed habitual ways of thinking that are the ‘norm’ for us but not necessarily helpful. Don’t fret though because, like all habits, thought habits can be unlearnt.

Look at the statements below. They represent some habitual unhelpful thinking styles. How many of these are familiar to you? Take a little time with this to try to see how many you can personally identify with.

• I won’t be able to do it

• I’m not good enough

• Nothing good ever happens to me

• Everything is terrible

• It has to be this way or I won’t do it

• I think someone else will be better for the job

• This is a disaster

• It’s not my problem

• This is not fair

It doesn’t matter whether you tick one or all of the above, the important thing here is that you recognize your unhelpful thinking patterns. Let us explore a little further how these ways of thinking impact the mind.

• If you engage and cooperate with a mind that tells you you won’t be able to do something, then in life you are unlikely to take any risks.

• If you listen to a mind that tells you that you’re not good enough, then you will transmit that vibe to the world and those around you.

• If you take seriously a mind that tells you that nothing good happens for you, then you lose sight of any positive or joyful events that do occur.

• If you cooperate with a mind telling you everything is terrible, then life will feel terrible a lot of the time.

• If you abide with a mind instructing you that it has to be this way or nothing, then you become inflexible and rigid. This is an uncomfortable way to live.

Most of these negative ways of thinking are simply habits of thought, not facts. I am going to repeat that. Most of what you think is thought, not fact. The challenge is how you decide to relate to your thoughts. If you believe the content of your mind to be the gospel truth, then you will struggle, and happiness will be absent. The freedom comes when you decide not to believe absolutely everything your mind is telling you and when you realize what you can let go of.

Every person reading this book will have an area of their life that their mind is getting in the way of. It might be a relationship issue, making a change, going for a promotion, making a fresh start or taking a risk. I would encourage you to list now three key areas in your life that feel blocked or limited by your mind, your way of thinking.

Would you like your thoughts to have less hold over your life?

If yes, then you are halfway there. The motivation to change is a large part of the journey.

HOW YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD

Considering the complexity of the human mind, changing your thought patterns might seem like a mammoth task. But you can do it, using a few simple techniques.

I have developed a four-step method to change your thought patterns, which I will guide you through. To start with, this will feel unusual, as the brain will likely want to revert to old patterns. The trick is to persevere. You are teaching the mind to respond in a different way. In time, healthier responses will become the new normal.

STEP 1: ACKNOWLEDGE AN UNHEALTHY THOUGHT

Acknowledging an unhealthy thought pattern is a little like appeasing someone who wants to get your attention in some way. If you ignore them or push them away, they may keep coming back until their needs are met. When you acknowledge your mind, even while it is not operating in a functional or helpful way, you are immediately taking control of your thought patterns. You are saying to your mind, ‘OK, I see you are there and I’m acknowledging you.’ Automatically you take back a little control and break old patterns.

STEP 2: CREATE SPACE

When the mind is creating negative or unhelpful content you have a choice in how engaged you become with it. Remember, they are thoughts, not facts. During my time as a psychotherapist I have come across numerous techniques for creating space in the mind. My favourite is the ‘movie director’.

Visualize your thoughts as if they are playing out on a movie screen. You are simply watching all of the content of your mind. You have two options:

1. Either you can climb into the movie set and engage with the action. It will produce lots of drama. It’s not likely to prove helpful.

2. Or you can observe and watch the movie, like a director. Then decide on the content you want to let go of.

The second option will allow you space to stop and breathe rather than accepting your thoughts as true. Remember you are not overthinking or analyzing the thoughts, you are simply letting go. You are directing your mind. It is not directing you.

STEP 3: EXAMINE THE EVIDENCE

Sometimes the mind can create some harsh material for us to digest:

• You are rubbish

• You are a failure

• You are ugly

• You are stupid.

If you’re going to listen to and engage with such content surely you owe it to yourself to ask whether it’s 100 per cent true? And if so, where is the evidence?

When you think about it rationally, your mind likely won’t be able to provide irrefutable evidence. And you have the opportunity to provide it with alternative evidence. Even if there are examples where things haven’t gone to plan, this won’t have happened every time. For example, the thought ‘You are rubbish’ can be challenged. You can provide examples from your life when you have succeeded, achieved, connected and loved. As there is plenty of evidence to suggest that you aren’t rubbish, assuming ‘I am rubbish’ can’t be an automatic process any more.

STEP 4: LET GO

The mind’s unhelpful content often arrives with intensity and force. It can sometimes seem impossible to challenge it. However, this four-step process provides you with a strategic, disciplined approach to letting go of your unhelpful thoughts. Acknowledging the mind, creating space and examining the evidence places you in a perfect position to let go of the unhelpful thoughts. With practice and patience this process will become more routine.

The following tips may also be helpful to support this process.

• Try to lower the stress barometer of your life. The mind produces more intense thoughts when your emotional barometer is high and these are harder to step back from.

• High cortisol and adrenaline will speed up the mind and create more activity. Physical activities can help you burn off stress.

• Lifestyle or work–life balance is essential.

• Healthy foods reduce some excitability in the mind. Explore some of the online resources that have countless suggestions for healthy mind foods.

HOW THIS WILL CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR HAPPINESS

Research, particularly from the world of mindfulness and anxiety treatments, shows the benefits of this process. Disengaging from the unhelpful content of the mind leads to:

• Improved motivation

• Clearer thinking

• Improved decision making

• Better relationships

• Improved self-confidence

• Greater productivity

• Balanced moods

• A more rational perspective

• A calmer mind

• Clarity.

I am sure you would agree that in a world crowded with noise, creating space between you and your mind is a no-brainer (pardon the pun!). Who wouldn’t want these benefits to lighten the load in a world full of challenges? We all spend way too much time attending to our minds’ thoughts, believing that’s where the answers are to be found. The reality is that the solution is often found in challenging those thoughts.

COMMITMENT

Remember, I am not saying you should never try to attend to your thoughts again! But if you’re struggling, you are likely giving way too much attention to your negative thoughts. Committing to engaging less with these thoughts is an important act of self-care. Essentially, you are standing up to your mind’s unhelpful thinking and saying, ‘Enough is enough.’ With this commitment, you will find empowerment and strength.

You will generally feel happier.

I invite you now to write down your commitment to yourself for what you will do to challenge negative thoughts. Remember, you are paying less attention to your mind because much of the negative content it creates is getting in the way of your life.

For example, the commitment could be: I commit to reminding myself that I am not the content of my mind and that thoughts are not facts.

Whether it’s work, relationships, family matters, your future, how you look, your weight or any area that is causing you difficulty, the same rules apply for all. Engage less with the unhelpful thoughts.

CASE STUDY

Julie is a forty-year-old mum of two young children and working full-time as a bank manager. When she came to my private practice for therapy she was exhausted, anxious and not sleeping well. Her initial goal in therapy was to learn techniques to cope better at work as she was about to be promoted and take on more responsibility.

As I began working with Julie, I soon discovered that she was clearly a very competent, loving mum. She loved her husband and enjoyed her job. Her external world was relatively stable. Initially I wondered whether it was the sheer volume of responsibility that was causing her issues. We discussed boundaries, time management and all sorts of techniques. This wasn’t helpful. Every week she would return to therapy in the same tired, anxious emotional state. We were clearly not on the right track.

It was around the fourth session when Julie came in, sat down and cried for nearly fifteen minutes before she spoke. When she had composed herself I asked her how she was. She replied, ‘It’s still the same.’ I asked her what ‘it’ was. ‘My mind.’ I asked her to describe what that was like – and her description provided the solution.

Julie described a mind that was on hyper-alert the entire time: thinking, worrying, planning, wondering, questioning, doubting and self-criticising. Although her presentation was theoretically in line with diagnostic criteria for an anxiety disorder, I was less interested in labelling her with a diagnosis. For me, measurable improvement is much more important. It was very clear to me that the root of her current problem was linked to how she was relating to her mind. We explored this further. She was paying attention to all of her mind’s activity. She was over-engaging with the thoughts, trying to work them out.

Despite the content of her mind – often self-critical thoughts – she eloquently described the tone of her mind. It was like a head mistress telling her she wasn’t good enough and that she was failing at everything all of the time. Such thoughts were creating anxiety and exhaustion as she tried to battle them.

I asked Julie the following questions:

• Have you ever acknowledged your thoughts just as thoughts, not facts?

• Have you ever created any space between you and your thoughts?

• Have you ever examined the evidence as to whether these thoughts are true?

• Have you ever considered that you can let these thoughts go?

It will come as no surprise that the answer to every question was no. From that moment our agenda for therapy was set and Julie embarked on her journey to pay less attention to her negative thoughts. She worked on the techniques, practised between sessions and within a few weeks she started to improve considerably. Her anxiety dropped, her sleep improved and her energy returned. Julie was no longer a slave to her mind.

Julie’s distress ultimately wasn’t caused by the challenges of her external world but by her relationship with the internal wrangling of her mind.

Julie’s story is not uncommon. Sometimes accepting negative thoughts as true without question is the primary problem but, more often than not, it is accompanied by other difficulties. Nevertheless, the mind is the epicentre of all our experiences, so mastering these techniques will liberate you in more ways than you can imagine.

If Julie’s story strikes a chord with you, I encourage you to pay close attention to your commitment to the work in this chapter. While all of the work in each chapter is important, the mind’s impact on our wellbeing can seem less obvious, but it is vital. Take control of your mind and you are on the road to regaining more joy in your life. Regrets will lessen, which, as it happens, is the next step on our journey: learning to manage regrets that are getting in the way of your life.

SUMMARY

• Thoughts are automated processes and many are negative in nature.

• Thoughts are not facts.

• Learning to stop, create space and observe the mind, rather than buying into its narrative, will ease distress.

• Always examine the evidence for negative or critical thinking.

• Happiness comes when you detach more from interacting with the mind’s chatter and learn to become the peaceful observer.

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