Анна Карат
Learn to love. 30 tips how to live

Introduction

Thyere is а reason why nature madе it like this, a man is not happy without a woman, just like a woman is not happy without a man. Having split humankind into two sexes, nature ensured reproduction of the species. However, a man and a woman unite not only to create children, but also to bring joy to each other. Usually women are the ones who worry a lot about relationships. We, either in our childhood while playing with dolls realize that our role is to be loved, or we are moved by those tricky biological laws. The latter tell us to start a search for «the one and only» inorder to prevent extinction of humans as a species.

It doesn’t matter what stands behind our desire to find personal happiness, it is important to learn to build it. Yes, exactly like that, to build it, brick by brick. We, women of the 21st century, need to understand that our relationships are not controlled by an invisible «something», but we are responsible for our lives and everything that is going on in them. If we are not happy with the result of our efforts, it means that we are not doing the right thing or we are doing the right thing in the wrong way. However, we always have a chance to make our dreams come true.

Let’s get acquainted. My name is Anna Yang. I am 60 years old and for the last 30 years I have been happy with the most amazing man in the world. It is quite likely that he seems this way only for me. After all, a woman creates her man and their relationship. We didn’t have this union that would make both of us happy right away. There had been many emotional wounds in my life because of romantic heartbreaks. That is why I can easily understand every one of you. Just like you I couldn’t comprehend why my life consisted of a series of failures in love. Eventually my husband and I managed to build a relationship I couldn’t even dream about.

At some point I realized that my girlfriends, girlfriends of my girlfriends and my colleagues asked for my advice quite often. I could always see mistakes made by those women and I could easily find the right solutions that would lead to a different result. Once I decided to make a web site where I could make people’s lives better. I frequently receive letters from my clients. In every letter they beg me to help them. Generally, situations that women face are similar. Indeed, the same things happen to all of us from time to time.

That is why I decided to write this book where I include my successful thirty-year marriage and answers to the most frequently asked questions. We all strive equally to find happiness and I want to help you on this complicated journey. Answers to the most difficult questions are much, much easier than you think.

Chapter 1. What types of women do men love?

Ladies keep looking for ways to be loved. Maybe it is better to be silent in front of their husbands? Or on the contrary, to chatter a lot? To cry loudly or quietly clench their teeth? To take extra care of their face or body? Manicure or pedicure? It’s my personal opinion. It is important to take breaks! It applies to both partners. Love is impossible in the atmosphere of constant overload. These are two incompatible states. Love is giving. If one of the partners is tired and overwhelmed, he or she doesn’t want to and can’t give anything to the other one. He or she wants to take instead. So imagine a relationship where both partners constantly want to be taking from each other. Taking is not an energy intensive action, you just need to ask or reach with your hand. Gifting and giving is a lot of work. Be yourself. Everything that you can discuss with your friend or grandma, discuss with your husband instead. And do it as soon as you feel that you want to. If you have to pretend when you are with your husband, then why do you even need him?

A man looks for femininity, and femininity can be different. There is no charm in insolence, but there is charm in modesty. If you want a worthy man, you will have to be a worthy woman. Are you ready to meet that worthy man today? Not on Sunday, not during some celebration, but today. I am asking this to show you that you should be a worthy woman every day. The main thing in a woman is her state of mind and her mood. In a garden, atmosphere is created by flowers, in a home atmosphere is created by a woman. From everything that I have observed I can conclude, that if a husband is a deadhead, it is not a big deal. The most vital thing is a woman’s energy. It makes a family quite stable.

The main obstacle for joy is – weariness, the main condition for joy – rest. Energy is found in good sleep, raw food, jogging, cold water and downtime. Energy is in laughter, movements, the way you walk and look. An energetic woman has an energetic face. People have to give all of their energy to work, whatever is left – to the people they care about. So nothing is left for themselves.

Ladies often don’t understand that worthy men choose worthy women. If you want a first class man, you yourself should be of first class. Here is advice that I gave not a long time ago: «Let’s expend our energy rationally and wisely. To be exact, let’s spend this energy only on ourselves.» This is the best formula to attract and keep this man and the next one, as well as to be successful in friendship and career. Learn to leave if you don’t feel comfortable somewhere or with somebody. Leave without looking back. In other words, live according to your own rules of happiness. You do want happiness, don’t you? So start living happily. And that person who likes your life, your aura and the cloud of joy around you, will value your company most of all. That person will be the one chasing you, not the one running away from you.

Men’s eyes immediately register unusual movements of a woman. This is the story told by one teenage boy: «I went into town by bus yesterday. I was sitting by the window. So I am looking out of the window and I see a flock of girls, around 14-15 years old, eating ice-cream. None of them caught my attention. The driver started the bus, the girls were about to get on and all of a sudden one of them came up to a trash bin to throw an ice-cream wrapper away. This small act immediately raised her in my opinion. While she was walking from the trash bin to the bus I could look only at her. She looked average – dressed in all black, wearing jeans of course; her hair was also black, of medium length. There wasn’t anything remarkable in her face – a face like many other faces. While I was on the bus I remembered a similar story. About seven or eight months ago I was standing in a small line at a bus station. There was a woman in front of me, in her mid-thirties at that time. When she got her ticket, she thanked the cashier. She stood out for me, because before her I had never heard words of gratitude at a register.» Our actions that we don’t even notice tell a lot about us. That is why here is a little warning: don’t try to oversell yourself when you want to be liked by someone. When your actions are not sincere, but made up and rehearsed, you will definitely be exposed.

It is important for a man to understand which woman he can approach and which woman will refuse and humiliate him. So he learns early on to detect woman’s signals. That is why if I don’t send a clear signal that I want to have sex, nobody will offer that. You can dress up, you can put on tight clothes, but a man will sense your real intentions anyway. Michael: «When I meet a woman for the first time, I pay attention to her surroundings and daily routine. I guess I also evaluate whether she is suitable for a long term relationship.»

A woman is looking for a reliable and respectable man, but she is wearing a baseball hat, jeans and tennis shoes. So she is approached by men who also wear baseball hats and tennis shoes. The answer to this problem is to choose clothes in accordance with the fact that you are a woman. I often hear, and even see in your eyes, a question: «Where, where can I meet somebody?» Then I need to clarify who exactly you are looking for. After that I can give you a very simple answer: «Go look for men of your type where they spend their time.» All in all, if a woman is looking for a serious man, she should think about what kind of impression her clothing makes. A man looks for a woman who will be his partner and with whom he will be able to talk about all the things in the world. That is why a woman should look, first of all, like a reliable partner. In addition to that she should be cheerful. The pitch of her voice is also very important. A woman’s voice can be encouraging and full of enthusiasm.

A woman should be self-sufficient. The biggest difference between men and women is that men do not wait for women to call them. Instead of that they do something else. They watch racing, invent medicine to cure HIV, read about stock pricing in the Frankfurter Allgemeine or workout. And the most important thing is that they do it not because they want to be distracted from waiting for a phone call but they do it because they want to do it.

Question 1. Men get acquainted with you, but they don’t want to have a relationship

I didn’t like those men who were chasing me. Although, thinking about them and knowing now who they have become over the years, I can’t stop wondering why I was so silly and why I didn’t like them. I picked a father of my child myself. I liked him right away, but he wasn’t one of the men chasing me. I still didn’t get married. And I don’t want anymore. I don’t know how to be married. But I do want to be happy. I’ve had men propose to me on multiple occasions. As a matter of fact, I do attract men for some reason. That is until we start dating. And then either I break up with him because I actually don’t like him, even though he treats me well; or he breaks up with me and then I suffer.

There are exceptions. Once I was absolutely happy for four years, having an affair with a married man. That was my second love. He didn’t even think about getting a divorce because I loved him more, and for him it wasn’t the first time he cheated on his wife. It was his lifestyle. He treated me very well and never gave a reason for me to become addicted to him because he was always near. Such a happy exception happened to me. After a very painful breakup I was getting back to normal for a year. Then for several years I lived without anything going on in my personal life, mindlessly and calmly. This is how it was until last year I met a man in the street. Three months of irregular communication led to an addiction to him. And then he disappeared. He got divorced and then got married again. But not to me.

That short affair made me want to have a love life again. But there is nowhere to meet men. So I started meeting them online. I have had a couple of dates, but I haven’t found anything stable. It is disgusting. It looks like I can get acquainted and attract somebody online, I can arrange a meeting and have a date with him. But how do I make a long lasting relationship out of it? I have several online options right now. One of them is not even married and really wants woman’s affection. I haven’t seen him yet. I am afraid that nothing good will happen. I do call him though to vent out and he comforts me. I am so confused!

Answer. I think your mistake is that you give more than you take. You make three steps toward a man and he makes only one step toward you. This is what too compassionate and kind women constantly do. There is this simple rule: when you stop running away, you stop being chased. Practice, try it on somebody and then share your results! You show that you are dependent and interested too much. At the end of your date you could say: «And now it is time to say good-bye, because I wanted to meet with you only this one time.» It is very likely that after that he will not want to leave you alone! You need to know men’s mindset. You need to use this simple principle: love a man less than he loves you. Act as if you have a lot of other options. What you lack is confidence. And males, just like females, choose confident partners. It happens this way because nature tells them to pick out the best ones, to procreate.

Imagine that you see a man for the first time. How can you tell that his children will be good, or if you put it in crude terms, that he will be a good breeder? Firstly, you look at his appearance. Secondly, you look at how confident he is. If he is confident, it means that he knows many good things about himself. Right? Men think the same way about women. If a female is confident, it means that she is in high demand among males. If there are many males around her, it means that she is a good female. Look at your life. This logic always works. I had a relationship with a very smart and reserved man once. All of his outbursts of feelings toward me were happening when he would see me surrounded by other men.

Say good-bye and that you are not interested in having a relationship – this is to use in an emergency when you really do need a man for a one-night stand but you don’t want to be humiliated. Even here you show him your confidence as if you are implying that he is worth spending only one night with. At the same time, you shouldn’t humiliate him. He just has to first ask if you are going to see each other again. This is when you, with a meaningful smile, answer: «Maybe.» And you don’t run to him at his first whistle. So the main thing is that you should be confident in that you are wonderful in all things. The next question though is where to find this confidence.

Chapter 2. Does he like me?

There is one and the same question in all letters about love: «Do you think I have a chance or not?» Whether a man wants to have a romantic relationship with me or not is always obvious because he gives me signs. It could be that he can freely joke about sex around me, or he gives me compliments, or maybe he can appropriately touch me (touch my hand or give me a hug). For years women have been trying to guess whether men like them or not. Why wouldn’t he approach me? Is he being shy? Everything this bashful man does we are inclined to explain in our favor. Most likely, he is indeed attracted to you, but he is attracted a lot more to another woman. The main indicator of a woman’s «quality» is whether men kiss her when they see her, or at least hug her. In other words, if they want to touch her. Ladies, you can be touched in different ways. Be happy, if he touches your head. Not because of pity, but because he is showing affection. A woman should cause admiration in a man.

Question 2. A man is torn between me and his ex

This man likes me, but he hasn’t broken up with his former woman. We used to just be friends, but we’ve had sex recently. Now I think he is avoiding me.

Answer. You could get involved in a long and unpleasant story. When a MAN is not completely done with his previous relationship, nothing good usually happens in his new relationship. I think this is what you need to do: don’t let yourself fall in love with him until he is attracted to you and only you. To fall in love means to think of him a lot. Not to fall in love means not to think. Find a phrase for yourself that will help you shut out all the thoughts about HIM (at the same time you still can communicate with him and not only as friends). This game is actually interesting for him. He has been thinking of you for a while, and now sex is also possible.

Don’t think of him, don’t try to figure him out, don’t anticipate conversations and kisses. Do you remember what it is like to be on a diet? As long as you do not anticipate, you can remain patient. As soon as you imagine the taste of food, you immediately lose control. So your phrase should sound approximately like this: «No! You can’t do it! It will lead to you being unhappy.»Or something like this: «I won’t let him make a fool out of me!» Your thoughts are endless now. Day and night you are trying to guess, what exactly your MAN thinks, wants and what he will say when he calls you. You should know that all these endless thoughts suck all the energy out of you. Very soon you will become an exhausted and depressed woman. It means that you will stop attracting men. Why would you want this? Let your MAN figure you out!

If you remain happy and uninterested, you will surprise him a lot. He is expecting that you will fall in love with him and try to talk to sort things out. And he is afraid of it. He only wants to have fun sex and simple conversations. Say to yourself that he just wanted to have sex with you, a pretty woman, and stop bothering your head with this. What to do now? Just live your life. If he calls, you will talk (you should be the first one to say good-bye). If he asks you out, you will meet (you should be the first one to leave). Let him have sleepless nights! It is like cutting your head off to get rid of all the thoughts, at least for a month. One of the most unpleasant things for a man who is still in love with a woman he broke up with is to wake up next to somebody else. He has a good time in the evening, and at night, but then in the morning he wants to put his pants on and run away as quickly as possible. What is ridiculous is that this other woman might end up being much better than the first one. She also might love him much more, especially if the first one didn’t love him that much to begin with. The only problem is that they picked the wrong time.

A man can’t love two women simultaneously. It is cruel first of all in relation to himself. Nature has made room only for one woman in a man’s heart. If this room is already occupied, there is nothing for another woman in his heart. If you want to have a serious relationship with a MAN, wait until he frees himself from his previous relationship. It will take several months. You don’t need to avoid a MAN, but flirting is inappropriate. And if a MAN decides to have a fling, be patient and remember that it is not serious for him. He doesn’t know it yet, but you already do. In love, just like in a boxing ring the winner is the one with the strongest nerves.

Question 3. Does he like me? How would I understand that?

I love «an aging» man who is not married. The difference in age is 15 years. I think that he likes me, but he doesn’t do anything to expose his feelings. Now I understand that he is ashamed of his age. I am all tired out.

Answer. You are writing that he doesn’t express his feelings. As a matter of fact, if a man is interested in you, he looks at you more often and for longer periods of time. However, if your man is smart, he can control himself. Then he deliberately won’t look at you. Or he will take a rapid glance. Here is one more sign: if a man likes a woman, he will try to be close to her, for example, sit near her. He will find any excuse to do so. In my opinion the most accurate sign though is his joy when he sees you. Any woman can sense this joy, but she often mistakes it for friendliness.

Question 4. He has disappeared. What am I to do?

«I met John last summer. During that fall he wrote five love letters to me. And then nothing since the beginning of winter. I am going crazy. It is February now. Maybe he has the flu. I am going to visit him because he will die without me. Kate.»

Answer. Certainly, Kate, go visit him! Smart people learn from their own mistakes. Wise people learn from other people’s mistakes. Fools think that they live without mistakes. When I was young and innocent, at the age of 17 I fell in love with your typical «John». I fell in love with his guitar when he played the Beatles, his long hair, jeans and red socks. It was supposed to be our third date and he never came. His friend told me that John had the flu. And I ran to him. I felt that my actions were not smart, but I didn’t have time to think about it. He is sick! He is unwell! With the remaining part of my brain I decided that I would only ring the door bell, give him a bouquet of some flowers and leave. I thought that it wouldn’t be obtrusive but quite the opposite. It ended up being obtrusive.

Pale and weak John opened the door. He didn’t really care about my flowers, but invited me to come in. The remaining part of my brain simply disappeared and I did come in. Some other guy was visiting John. The three of us didn’t have anything to talk about. So we were sitting silently. The other guy was waiting for me to leave, and I was waiting for him to leave. It lasted for an hour. I became the girl who was not fun (but in reality I am a lot of fun). I realized this and finally left. Apparently John remembered me as a boring girl, because he never asked me out again.

Question 5. He writes to me, but he doesn’t offer to meet

I am 54 and I want to get married (this would be my second marriage). So I am trying to find somebody online. Last May a met a French man online. We still talk a lot on Skype and write to each other. I feel something electric toward him. Moreover, I have never heard love confessions like his. He often writes that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he is ready to talk to me on Skype every evening. I told him that if he wasn’t ready to come visit me, then our relationship wouldn’t have any future. He promised to solve this within two months.

Two months later I started the conversation again. He immediately became agitated. He said that he would be able to take time off only in February and booked tickets to come. On the one hand, I am afraid that closer to February something will happen and he won’t come. So I have been waiting in vain. On the other hand, he means a lot to me. I would like to continue our relationship. I am afraid to issue an ultimatum – either you come, or we will break up. Our communication is virtual. As of right now, nobody is obliged to do anything. What would you advise in this situation?

Answer. I recommend to stop thinking about this man. Don’t make up this love story with a man whom you’ve never seen before and whose behavior is a little strange. Calm down and start dating. You don’t have any strength to start a new relationship because of all your thoughts are about this French man and possible marriage. Is he as faithful as you are? Think of him as one of many pleasant men. If he comes, it will be nice. But let him initiate this visit without any promises from your side.

Question 6. How to attract his attention?

There is this guy in the night club I often go to. I like this guy a lot. He works there. He is a dancer. We have many common friends. That is how we met. I can’t watch him impassively when he is on stage. Sometimes we dance together, but only when I invite him. I confessed to him that I liked him a lot. After that he hardly notices me, but we still communicate. By the way, I know that he doesn’t have a girlfriend. I need your advice. What should I do?

Answer. Oh, you got in a stupid situation that has only one way out. I am going to tell you what this way out, but you are not going to listen to me, are you? You are going to continue to follow this guy until he sleeps with you one day. And then he is going to do everything not to see you. Before it happens, I advise to stop going places where he hangs out. If he notices your absence, he will find you through your friends. If he doesn’t find you, stop by his work in three months, not earlier. During these three months read some books and learn to talk to men in a different way, like a queen.

It is likely that he will fall for you – the queen! If he doesn’t show any interest in you even then, stop going there at all. Of course, you are not going to listen to me. What I am suggesting is very difficult to do. However, maybe other girls will read this and use my advice. Maybe this letter from Kristen, who changed her attitude toward men, will help you: «Now I don’t call him first, unless he asks me to call him. When I offer to do something and he refuses, I don’t get upset like I used to. I try not to place much emphasis on it. If he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to. It is his right. I try not to fight and not to get jealous. And what now? Now he calls me many times a day. He tries to talk for a long time. And I make our conversations shorter. I was the one who asked for kisses, now he does. So I do the opposite from what I used to do. I don’t express any initiative. I feel that he needs me. He doesn’t talk about love much. He says that his actions show his love (he pays for me, he always walks me home, he calls first, he goes to different events with me). I don’t talk about love first. I also show it with my actions. I cook for him and I take care of him. Just like he takes care of me.»

Chapter 3. How to make him fall in love with me?

To make a man fall in love is pretty easy: don’t be afraid of him and make your communication with him freer. The main obstacle is the fear that he might think something bad about you. Nature made it this way that males chase females. Even though a rooster is the only guy in a chicken coop and even if he looks awesome, he still chases a hen to mount her. Not one hen, no matter how dumb it is, will run after a rooster to mount him. Despite the fact that they are the nature’s supreme creations, girls often act sillier than hens. A guy will simply get scared (I know this because I’ve asked many of them) if a girl starts chasing him. Just like any rooster he will think: «Something is wrong with this hen… she is crazy!» They think this way, because guys are also created by nature. If a man takes two steps toward you, you should take only one (and don’t rush to him). Also, don’t forget to take two steps back later. If you chase him, he can’t chase you. He can only run away. If there is a «chaser», there is also a «chase». «I can’t live without you» is something that a person who has given up would say. Act on the principle: «I can live without you!» If you become the one who chases, nature will tell him what to do. This message will be louder than the one from his feelings and reason. A man wants to be where it feels good. Remember about it when you find a husband. This is the only way not to lose him. Take a closer look at a man. Can he rain on the parade of those around him? Can he be boring, sad, or irritated? If yes, can he change himself? Or maybe his motto is: «Accept me the way I am». Then nothing particularly good will happen here. Don’t rush. Let him prove that he can and wants to be better – for you, for your peace and your happiness.

In any relationship always ask yourself: «Who is chasing whom?» If you want to be happy, learn to run away and not to chase. The most beneficial behavior is when you act according to the following idea: “It is nice with you, but it is also nice without you!” When a man senses that he has been moved from the first place to the tenth place, he will want to understand the reason. All of our excuses – «I forgot your address» or «I lost your phone number» – will not work. If a man wants to be with a woman he loves, he will force his way through to that woman. The bottom line is that you should learn to live so that you are interesting to yourself. Then you will be interesting to other people around you. Just think about how many princesses lost their princes whispering: «I can’t live without you.» You should whisper: «I can live without you.»

A man is designed by nature to chase, and you need to ensure that he has this opportunity. Smile but be the first one to look away. Be the first one to say good-bye and leave. Don’t ask when you will meet again. Don’t hint about where you live and don’t just offer your phone number. You are a good man, but I am not going to chase you! «You will enjoy being with me, but it is difficult to win my heart.» This phrase should be read in your eyes, speech and gestures. You need to get rid of fear and any doubts concerning your attractiveness. The most accurate word to be used here is risky.

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