Copyright

This book is a work of non-fiction based on the author’s experiences. In order to protect privacy, names, identifying characteristics, dialogue and details have been changed or reconstructed.

HarperElement

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First published by HarperElement 2019

FIRST EDITION

© Casey Watson 2019

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

Cover image © Clive Nolan/Trigger Image (posed by model)

Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers 2019

Casey Watson asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

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Source ISBN: 9780008298616

Ebook Edition © May 2019 ISBN: 9780008298654

Version: 2019-03-28

Contents

1  Cover

2  Title Page

3  Copyright

4  Contents

5  Dedication

6  Acknowledgements

7  Chapter 1

8 Chapter 2

9 Chapter 3

10 Chapter 4

11  Chapter 5

12  Chapter 6

13  Chapter 7

14  Chapter 8

15  Chapter 9

16  Chapter 10

17  Chapter 11

18  Chapter 12

19  Chapter 13

20  Chapter 14

21  Chapter 15

22  Chapter 16

23  Chapter 17

24  Chapter 18

25  Chapter 19

26  Chapter 20

27  Chapter 21

28  Chapter 22

29  Chapter 23

30  Chapter 24

31  Chapter 25

32  Epilogue

33  Also by Casey Watson

34  Moving Memoirs eNewsletter

35  About the Publisher

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Dedication

This book is dedicated to the army of passionate foster carers out there, each doing their bit to ensure that our children are kept as safe as possible in such a changing and often scary world. As technology is reinvented and becomes ever more complicated for those of us who were not brought up amid such advances, we can only try to keep up, in the hope that we continue to learn alongside our young people.

Acknowledgements

I remain endlessly grateful to my team at HarperCollins for their continuing support, and I’m especially excited to see the return of my editor, the very lovely Vicky Eribo, and look forward to sharing my new stories with her. As always, nothing would be possible without my wonderful agent, Andrew Lownie, the very best agent in the world in my opinion, and my grateful thanks also to the lovely Lynne, my friend and mentor forever.

Chapter 1

Aqua aerobics in February. In February. Had I completely lost my marbles? I couldn’t remember which of my so-called friends had suggested it, but by now I was sorely regretting having agreed to it. Not only was it absolutely Baltic outside, but I had just suffered the most embarrassing incident ever, and as we huddled in our respective changing cubicles in the leisure centre (which were only marginally less Baltic) the same so-called friends – not to mention my sister Donna – were still teasing me about it relentlessly.

‘Oh, Casey,’ Donna said, laughing, ‘such a priceless Barbara Windsor moment!’

‘I must, I must, improve my bust!’ my friend Kate added, gleefully.

And all I could do was take the teasing, and grin and bear it. Or should that have been ‘bare’ it? Definitely. It was such a basic error, after all.

Having not gone swimming in any form for a good couple of years now, I no longer had a suitable swimsuit, and given that this wasn’t the time of year for ‘summer holiday essentials’, the stores didn’t have a great deal of choice. Luckily I had spotted a sale rail and found a front-fastening, gold (of all colours) bikini. And were that not enough to mark me out as a rookie, during a rather robust arms-out-to-the side-and-do-a-windmill thrust, my all-singing, all-dancing, shimmering gold bikini had unclasped with a ping, giving me no choice but to do a duck dive, and leaving me scrabbling around under the water, trying to regain both the shreds of my bikini top and my dignity. But not before the whole class, including the instructor, had witnessed it. I was going to have to seriously rethink how I approached this whole ‘me time’ malarkey.

‘Okay, okay,’ I called out from my own changing booth. ‘I’m so happy I’ve brightened up your morning. And I’m so happy that mobile phones aren’t allowed in the frigging pool, either, because I can only imagine the pleasure you’d have all taken in capturing it for all time.’

Amid the ensuing laughter, as if I’d summoned it, my own phone started to ring. Delving into my changing bag – one that would put Mary Poppins to shame, obviously – I found it and saw it was a call from Christine Bolton, my still relatively new fostering link worker.

Had she called to tease me too? If so, news travelled fast. Quickly drying one side of my face, I put the phone to my ear, first explaining where I was, so she’d understand all the cackles, bumps and bangs.

‘I’m surprised to hear from you again so quickly,’ I added, as I parked my damp bottom on a towel slung on the wooden-slatted bench. I’d only spoken to her the day before and I knew there was nothing on the horizon. Though there had been – up until a few days ago, we’d been earmarked for a particularly difficult teenager badly in need of a calm, stable home. But as often happens in fostering, there was a game-changer. Just a day before all concerned were due in court, a grandparent had kindly stepped forward to offer to take the child in and so the case had been dropped. And to the great relief of all concerned. So we were expecting a lull now – hence all the ‘me-time’. Till another long-term placement came up we were only really doing respite, and that mostly for our most recent child, Miller, who was now in a residential school and with a new primary carer, Mavis.

‘I know,’ Christine replied, ‘and I’m so sorry to bother you in the middle of your swimming, but that mini-break you said you and Mike were hoping to jet off on – have you booked anything yet?’

I immediately wished we had, because I had a hunch I knew what was coming. A lull in the world of fostering was never guaranteed to be anything more than twenty-four hours, and more often than not it wasn’t. I suspected this was the situation here – that an urgent case had presented itself. I wasn’t wrong.

‘No, not as yet,’ I said. ‘Shouldn’t I?’

‘Possibly not. At least, if you’re up for taking a child on. D’you know Kelly and Steve Blackwell? Live out in the sticks and have two small children?’

‘Indeed I do,’ I said. ‘And pretty well. I was Kelly’s mentor for a year.’

Mentoring had always been the unofficial practice in fostering, but over the last couple of years it had become an even more important part of the process. One in which longer-term, more experienced carers were expected to take on the role of mentor to new carers just coming into the field. In my case, this meant Kelly, who I’d met up with fairly regularly, to discuss any problems she might be having and exchange ideas on the best strategies to deal with them. We’d also swapped numbers and email addresses so that we could be on hand in an emergency. It was yet another item on our ever-expanding job descriptions, but I didn’t mind. It built relationships, and up to now it had worked well.

‘Ah yes, of course you were,’ Christine went on. ‘I remember seeing it on your file, now I come to think about it. Even better then. Because it’ll give you some context. The problem is the young lad they have in at the moment. The top and bottom of it is that they can no longer hold on to him, and we were wondering if you might be able to help out. Either for the short term until we find another long-term carer, obviously, or longer term, if that’s something you’d want to think about.’

But I was thinking more about calm, capable Kelly. Both she and her husband seemed pretty good carers to me. ‘Kelly can’t take care of him?’ I asked, surprised. She wasn’t usually fazed by much. ‘Why? And how old is he? What’s his story?’

Christine laughed. ‘You remember telling me about how your son can ask twenty questions in the same sentence? Well, now I know where he gets it from, don’t I? Okay, well first of all you should know that had we not been thinking about you for that teenager that didn’t materialise, we would have asked you to take on this one in the first place. He’s a little lad called Sam Gough – he’s nine, and has an unofficial diagnosis of autism. He was only removed from his mother just over a week ago – a single mum, mental health issues – along with his two siblings, who –’

‘Just over a week ago? So Kelly’s only had them for a matter of days?’

‘Not them. Only Sam. His siblings have been fostered separately.’

This was highly unusual. ‘Because?’

‘Because they’re very frightened of him, apparently. And yes, just the week. He has a number of issues. It could just be the shock of being taken from his family. Could be something completely different. But either way, he’s been bullying Kelly and Steve’s young children, and it’s really impacting on the family.’

So, bad. Bad enough to be separated from his siblings, and bad enough that Kelly wanted him removed after only a week. Which was pretty bad. Pretty challenging. I eyed my sopping bikini. Reflected that aqua aerobics really wasn’t for me. Not least because I already knew what my answer would be. However, protocol dictated that I think about it, and discuss it with my husband before agreeing, so I said what was expected of me and added, as an afterthought, ‘as well as speaking to Mike, I’ll finish dressing and nip into the canteen to give Kelly a quick call. It’s always worth getting things from the horse’s mouth, isn’t it? Plus she’ll be able to enlighten me on the day-to-day business of taking care of him.’

‘Good idea,’ Christine said. And I could tell by her jaunty tone that she knew she’d get her ‘yes’. ‘Oh, and one other thing,’ she said. ‘I know this will probably make you roll your eyes, but from the little I’ve heard about him, he does seem a perfect candidate for the type of programme you used to run – the behaviour modification thing that everyone was raving about a couple of years ago? Anyway, just a thought.’

A thought, or an extra inducement to be sure I didn’t change my mind? If that was the case, then perhaps this little lad was even more challenging than I suspected. Because it was no secret that Christine, having hailed from Liverpool, where our particular programme hadn’t been rolled out, had made it clear at the start of our working relationship that what she thought about the programme I thought so much of was that it was yet another new-fangled bit of nonsense that wouldn’t bear fruit.

And she hadn’t been the only one. In fact, the funding had been pulled after only four years. This was mostly due to tightening of government purse strings, but also – in my humble view – due to a lack of commitment to a philosophy the benefits of which might take a number of years to assess. So while it was true that fostering services were no longer training new carers in how to deliver the programme (and, as a consequence, children were no longer being hand-picked to receive it), those of us who had seen first-hand how effective it had been still used the model, and the principles, whenever we were fortunate enough to foster a child who looked like they might benefit. And here was Christine, the unbeliever, suggesting that Sam might be one such. She obviously needed to find a place for him, and fast.

Half an hour later, finally presentable, and having waved off my still-chuckling tormentors, I was sitting in a booth in the leisure-centre coffee shop, latte in one hand and mobile phone in the other, the not-so-sweet tang of chlorine still clinging to my hair.

‘Oh, Casey, I feel soooo bad,’ Kelly said, after I’d explained what the call was about. ‘I had no idea it would be you they’d ring. You must think I’m such a wuss!’

‘Don’t be silly,’ I reassured her. ‘Honestly, we’ve all been through it. Sometimes you get a child in who just doesn’t work in your particular environment. It happens. It’s obviously not meant to be, so don’t feel bad. I’m just ringing so that you can paint a clearer picture about what’s been going on.’

‘Just about everything,’ Kelly said, before reeling off all of the problems she and Steve had faced in the last week. ‘He’s just such a live wire. I’ve never seen anything like it!’

Which seemed fair enough, because Kelly hadn’t been fostering for very long. If she stuck at it – and I hoped she would – she would doubtless see worse. But it did sound pretty grim; in fact, to call Sam a ‘live wire’ seemed too benign a term, because as well as rampaging around her house, breaking and smashing things indiscriminately, he would apparently hurt her own children at every opportunity.

‘Which I completely understand is all part of him expressing his rage,’ Kelly said. ‘But I can’t take my eyes off him for a minute. And if I try to reason with him, or chastise him, he turns his anger on me instead. I know he’s only small, but it’s like being attacked by a whirling dervish. He really has no self-control, or self-soothing mechanism, at all. Well, perhaps one,’ she added. ‘This peculiar habit of barking and howling, which he does for prolonged periods at a time. And at any time he’s confronted, he snarls. Really snarls. Poor Harvey said yesterday that it was like we had the big bad wolf living in the house.’

Harvey was Kelly’s oldest. Around seven, as I remembered. And I wondered how it must feel to return home from school every day thinking there was a wolf living in your house. I wondered too how they’d come to ask Kelly, who was relatively inexperienced, to take on such a boy, knowing there were two younger children in the house. Not to mention that they already knew his own siblings were so afraid of him that it had been agreed to have them fostered somewhere else.

But that was a question for another day. And I probably already knew the answer: because there wasn’t anyone else. Which Kelly must know too, so I imagined she’d feel pretty bad about passing the buck.

‘So, how does the autism affect him?’ I asked her instead. I’d looked after quite a few children who were on the spectrum and, in my experience, one size certainly didn’t fit all. Each one of mine – and that included my own son, Kieron, who had Asperger’s – had been very different, with different challenges to face.

‘To be honest,’ Kelly admitted, ‘I haven’t even really had the chance to notice. Everything else is so full-on, I just … Oh, Jesus, hang on. Sam! Stop that right now!’

I waited on the line, listening to a symphony of different sounds – shouting and swearing and, at one point, high-pitched screaming. The jolly hold music of a call centre it definitely was not. No wonder her nerves were torn to shreds. Plus, it was Saturday now, of course, so both her kids would be home. And perhaps this had been the straw that had broken the camel’s back.

‘I’m so sorry, Casey,’ she said as she came back to the phone, ‘Sam’s just bitten Harvey and now he’s attacking Sienna. I honestly do not know what to do with him. It wouldn’t be so bad if Steve was home but he’s had to go into work this morning. And I’d take them out, but I – Sam! Right now! I mean it! – God, Casey. I am tearing my hair out here.’

I could tell she was, too, because she sounded on the verge of tears. ‘Look, I can see it’s a bad time,’ I said. ‘You obviously need to step in and get your own two to a place of safety. Shall I give you a call back later, perhaps when the kids are in bed?’

‘Call me?’ Kelly asked, her voice now even more desperate. ‘I was rather hoping you’d come round and take him off me. As in today. Seriously. I know it’s not the best endorsement you ever heard, but I can’t take any more of this. I really can’t.’

Knowing Kelly as I did, I knew she was telling me the truth. She was at breaking point, overwrought, and couldn’t see a way out. It tended to be hard to with all your senses on high alert. No, it didn’t sound so much, just having to oversee a naughty nine-year-old, but I knew there was ‘naughty’ and there was ‘downright demolition-mode’; if she was dealing with the latter in isolation it would be a hard enough job – just in terms of trying to keep the child safe from himself. But with two little ones in the mix – her own little ones – it could be a Herculean task. And there was a world of difference between the odd flaring of temper and what sounded like twenty-four seven all-out warfare.

I knew the drill. I really shouldn’t be making any promises. I should tell Kelly I’d speak to Mike and Christine and get back to her. But how could I? Besides, I was getting fired up now. No, I wouldn’t be diving into any phone boxes, doing a spin and donning tights. But unlike my bikini top, I knew I had the strength for a challenge. And this lad sounded as if he was the word ‘challenge’ personified.

Plus, truth be told, I still had a few demons of my own to exorcise.

‘Don’t worry, love,’ I told Kelly. ‘I’ll take him.’

Chapter 2

No matter how diverse the types of children who’d come to us over the years, my modus operandi for welcoming them rarely differed. In the here and now, one thing took priority over all others; to provide them with their own space – a place of comfort, calm and safety.

It had been a long time since we’d opened our home up to our first foster child, Justin, and as I went through my usual mental checklist for getting Sam’s bedroom ready for his arrival, I reflected on just how much our singular job had become an everyday part of our lives. So much so that, these days, I was ready for every eventuality; stocked to the proverbial gunwales with everything I knew I’d need, or a frightened, disorientated child might want. Which meant that today it was a far cry from those anxious days before Justin was due to move in, when I’d run around like a mad thing, decorating, choosing, shopping and fussing over every detail, every imagined speck of dust.

Today, of course, I didn’t have the luxury of time, but it didn’t matter. It was really just a case of making up Sam’s bed, and making everything nice for him. And as he’d bowled in from football training just an hour or so earlier, I also had Tyler, our long-term foster son, on hand.

Though we never thought of him as that, obviously, because ‘son’ pretty much covered it. He’d been with us seven years now. He was part of us for ever.

‘Mum! Where d’you want this stuff?’ he yelled from halfway down the loft ladder. From where I was smoothing the bedclothes all I could see were his legs and feet.

‘In the conservatory!’ I yelled back.

‘What? Really?’

‘Honestly, love, where do you think I’m going to want it?’

‘Very funny. Not,’ he said, staggering in carrying a giant beanbag, which he dumped, along with the brace of cushions I’d ask him to fetch down for me, right on top of the bed I’d just made up.

‘Not on there,’ I snapped. ‘Now there’ll be wrinkles in the duvet.’

‘God, Mum,’ he huffed. ‘He’s a nine-year-old, isn’t he? You really think he’s going to care if his duvet’s a bit crumpled?’

‘That’s not the point,’ I pointed out. ‘It’s a question of standards. Besides, I’ll care. Anyway, thanks, love. Now go on down and tell your dad I’m almost finished, and that I’ll be inspecting his dusting when I get there.’

I got the usual mock salute, accompanied by the usual grin and eye-roll, and as I always did when a new kid was about to be ‘on the block’, I thought back to the circumstances that had brought Ty himself to us – as angry and distressed a kid as you could ever wish to meet. A tightly wound ball of sheer fury, in fact, who’d greeted me (our first meeting had been at the police station where they were holding him) as if I’d been especially bussed in to torment him. A pint-sized harpy, sent to further ruin his already ruined day.

His ruined life, as it turned out. Well, or so it had seemed at that point. So to have got from that to this – to this lovely young man, who made us proud every day – still felt like a minor miracle. In fact, a series of miracles which, whenever times were tough, reminded me of that old, clichéd mantra – that unconditional love and firm boundaries could take you a very long way.

It had been less than eight hours since I had even heard the name Sam, and in around as many minutes I would be meeting him for the first time, too. Starting off on another journey into the unknown. And, as was fast becoming a norm now, with another almost completely unknown quantity; other than the concerns about his behaviour and the fact that he was in care, I knew almost nothing about this child. Because no one in social services did either.

I had a final check around. For all I knew, Sam could hate the Roblox-themed duvet cover I’d chosen. The blue curtains might offend him, and the fluffy yellow cushions I’d had Tyler bring down for him might, given he was unofficially diagnosed as autistic, make him cringe to the touch. And the books and games I had selected from my ever-growing storage boxes might be way out of his comprehension zone. I really was going in blind on this one – again! – and could only hope I’d hit one or two right notes. The rest I’d have to deal with as happened.

‘Casey! Coffee ready, love!’ Mike called up. ‘Dusting done. Car pulling up. Come and join the welcoming committee.’

I closed the bedroom door and hurried anxiously downstairs. I always had butterflies in my stomach when about to meet a new child but today it was accompanied by another kind of anxiety. One that had been sparked when I’d called Kelly to tell her we were taking Sam and she had responded with such gratitude that it was almost embarrassing – as if I’d phoned her to tell her she’d won the lottery. She and her husband Steve had always seemed such capable, pragmatic carers, so I’d been surprised to hear so much emotion in her voice.

‘I cannot thank you enough, Casey,’ she’d gushed. ‘I owe you. I owe you big time.’

‘You owe me absolutely nothing,’ I’d pointed out. And was just about to add that I was only doing my job when my internal censor (not always that reliable, to be honest) shut my mouth, because to do so would be to imply that she wasn’t. At least I didn’t doubt she’d have seen it that way.

Instead I burbled on about it being easier, since I didn’t have little ones to think about, but when I rang off the intensity of her emotion still dogged me. Just how much of a challenge was this little boy going to be? Surely a child of nine couldn’t be that much of a handful?

I said as much to Mike as he handed me my coffee and we prepared, as a family, to welcome our little visitor together – something that mattered at any time, obviously, but particularly with a child thought to be on the spectrum because change can be hard for such children. So to meet us as a single smiling unit – a wall of warmth and reassurance – would be helpful in managing his inevitable anxiety. Something now made much worse, of course, by this second, sudden, unexpected move and the confusion that would inevitably accompany it.

‘Well,’ Mike said, ‘like you always say yourself, love, it doesn’t matter where they come from, it only matters where they’re going. You already knowing Kelly and Steve shouldn’t really make a difference. And it sounds to me, given the situation with his own siblings, that it might not have been the best choice of family set-up.’ He raised a palm. ‘Though, yes, of course I know there probably wasn’t a choice.’

‘What will be, will be, I suppose,’ I said, automatically checking that the kettle was filled enough to make Christine a cup of tea when she arrived. It was scalding. Mike had obviously beaten me to it, bless him.

And it was only to be Christine, which was highly unusual. A child would usually arrive with their social worker, too. But it turned out that Sam didn’t even have a social worker. It had all happened so fast that the emergency duty team (EDT) had taken care of things, and apparently the only member of staff with space on his books – a Colin Sampson – was away on annual leave till the end of next week.

Colin would be assigned to Sam once he was back, at which point we’d all meet, but, in the meantime, if I had any sort of crisis I would have to call on the duty team. I mentally crossed my fingers that that wouldn’t come to pass. Now I’d agreed to take him on, doing my best ‘knightess on white charger’ impression, I would look pretty stupid if I was calling out the cavalry within the week.

More to the point, the poor lad must be traumatised enough.

‘Mum, I see him,’ Tyler said from his station by the window. ‘Aw, he’s dead tiny, he looks really cute. Not sure what he’s up to, exactly – he seems to be marching on the spot – but he definitely doesn’t look dangerous.’

I’d given Tyler the facts, of course. It was important that he knew what we were dealing with. And following the problems our last foster child, Miller, had caused him, I couldn’t blame him for checking Sam out. Things were okay now; on Miller’s respite visits they rubbed along just fine. But every new child was a journey into the unknown for Tyler too.

And he was right. At first sight, Sam did indeed look very cute. Almost angelic, in fact, with shoulder-length, dirty-blond hair, which hung straight down over his skinny shoulders. And, as Tyler had observed, he seemed to be marching on the spot, while Christine stood by, patiently watching, holding a small suitcase. We all watched him too, till they finally set off down our front path, and I went to the front door to let them in.

Sam was shiny as a pin – Kelly had obviously bought a selection of new clothes for him – and like many a child before him, standing on this very spot, looked every bit as anxious as I’d expected.

‘One hundred,’ he announced, talking to a spot just above his feet. ‘A one-hundred-step path. One hundred steps exactly.’ He then wiped his brow theatrically, and exhaled as if he’d just climbed a very big hill. He straightened the backpack on his shoulders, and tugged on Christine’s coat sleeve. ‘That’s a very long path, Mrs Bolton.’

Though I wasn’t sure what to make of this, that was par for the course. But Christine gave me a quick glance before smiling at him and nodding. ‘It certainly is, Sam, especially when we’ve had to do eighty-five of them on the spot. Sam has a bit of an obsession with the number one hundred, Casey,’ she explained. ‘It couldn’t have been the number five or six, could it, Sam?’

I saw the trace of a smile cross the boy’s elfin features. They’d obviously discussed this. And no doubt Christine would enlighten me later. In the meantime, it had broken the ice, and I laughed as I led them through to the dining area.

Mike was already setting down the teapot, Tyler pouring milk into a mug.

‘Alright, mate?’ he asked Sam. ‘I’m Tyler. Pleased to meet you. Want a drink and a biscuit?’

Sam’s gaze darted towards him, then away again. He shook his head.

‘He’s literally just had his tea,’ Christine explained.

‘Well, in that case,’ Ty continued, as per our usual plan, ‘do you want to come upstairs with me and see your bedroom?’

He held out a hand, and Sam eyed this too. Then, after checking wordlessly with Christine, who nodded an affirmative, began to shrug his backpack from his shoulders.

‘Could you look after my bag, please?’ he asked her politely. ‘It’s a Spider-Man backpack and it’s very, very precious, so you won’t let anyone near it, will you?’

‘Absolutely not,’ Christine assured him. ‘Though why don’t you take it with you? Find a safe place to put it in your new room?’

Sam stood and seemed to think, the bag gripped tightly in his tiny hands. He was extremely slight for nine. Malnourished? Possibly.

‘Am I definitely, like, staying then?’ he asked Christine, in a whisper.

‘Yes, love,’ she said gently. ‘You’re definitely staying. Remember? Like I told you? And I know you’re going to like it.’ She glanced at Tyler, then back at Sam. ‘Go on,’ she said. ‘Go up with Tyler. See your bedroom, eh?’

‘And mine too,’ Tyler added, extending his hand a little further. ‘I’ve got a PlayStation, and I might just have a Spider-Man game too.’

This seemed sufficient to seal the deal, and though the hand was ignored, Sam seemed happy enough – well, at least not unhappy – to follow Tyler off upstairs.

‘Damn,’ I said to Christine, once they were safely out of earshot. ‘Trust me to spurn Spider-Man for Roblox.’

‘Oh, I really wouldn’t worry. Kelly told me she only bought it for him a couple of days back. He didn’t choose it. The counting to one hundred, though’ – she nodded back towards the hallway – ‘that’s apparently quite a big thing with him. I have no idea why, or whether it has any significance, but apparently he does it all the time.’

Mike handed Christine her tea and we sat down around the table, so we could get all the paperwork done. Though in this case, there wasn’t a lot of it. No history to peruse, obviously, just the usual Placement Plan. Plus a couple of signatures to confirm we took responsibility for any medical issues. And that was pretty much that – no more paperwork than you’d expect buying a second-hand car. Sold as seen. Sign on the dotted line and the child is all yours.

Christine must have read my thoughts. ‘Here you go,’ she said, smiling grimly as she handed me our copy. ‘Far as I know, only one careful owner.’

Joking aside, this was a necessarily serious business. And as Christine began telling us what she did know, I had the usual sinking sense that I was being told an all-too familiar story.

The police had been called to the family home just over a week previously, after a neighbour had alerted them to screams and bangs coming from the house, and of furniture being thrown into the back garden. Upon arrival the police had quickly assessed the situation and, suspecting that the mother was under the influence of drugs, had called social services to attend.

‘So, the two younger siblings were apparently found hiding underneath a bed,’ Christine went on, ‘whereas Sam was found in the back garden, shaking and terrified inside a big dog cage.’

‘Ah, the barking and howling,’ Mike commented.

Christine nodded. ‘Exactly. In fact, if he hadn’t been, they could easily have missed him altogether. And the mother was in such a state – a psychotic state, they realised – that a doctor was immediately summoned as well. When he arrived she was sedated and sectioned under the Mental Health Act and, of course, the children were all placed in care. And with different foster carers, as I mentioned to you this morning, Casey, on account of the other two being so terrified of poor Sam.’

Mike flicked his gaze towards the ceiling. ‘As in this Sam? Who looks like he wouldn’t say boo to a goose? You’d never think it, would you?’

We agreed we wouldn’t. ‘Any more on why?’ I asked.

‘Not really,’ Christine said. ‘Early days yet, and I’m sure we’ll find out more, but one of the children apparently said he thought he was a dog. That he spent a lot of time living in the dog cage.’

‘What is a dog cage when it’s at home?’ Mike asked.

‘Well, like a kennel, I imagine,’ Christine said.

‘Or a crate, perhaps,’ I suggested. ‘You know, like in Marley & Me. Isn’t crate-training a thing? I’m sure I’ve heard of it.’

‘Probably,’ Christine said. ‘Though this one was definitely in the garden.’

‘What about the dog?’

‘No dog. They checked. No evidence of a pet either. They said it looked as though Sam spent a lot of time in there, though. It was decked out with blankets. Scraps of food. A few toys.’

‘And they were genuinely that scared of him?’

‘Apparently so.’

‘But, even given that, it’s still odd that their wishes were so readily taken on board, isn’t it? Hard enough to find one foster family at such short notice, let alone two.’

‘You’re right,’ she said, ‘but I think the neighbour’s comments were taken into account too. She told them Sam was practically feral – I know, you wouldn’t credit it, would you? – and that she’d seen him attack his siblings on more than one occasion.’

I couldn’t be shocked by what Christine was telling me because I’d heard him for myself when I was on the phone to Kelly. No, not the howling, but there was no question that he was out of control. But at the same time, could this really be the same boy? From what I’d seen with my own eyes, he’d seemed no more feral than I was. And I’d fostered near-feral children, so it wasn’t as if I hadn’t seen some.

Which meant nothing, of course; he’d been with Kelly for long enough to have been washed, scrubbed and polished. Except for one thing – it ramped up my compassion for the boy. It affected me deeply to think this little lad’s brother and sister wanted to be away from him in a completely different home. It meant that not only did Sam have the trauma of going into care to deal with (away from his mother, and everything familiar – however grim life might sound for him, it was the only one he knew), but he also had the knowledge that even his siblings didn’t want him. Enough to send anyone’s behaviour spiralling out of control.

Christine didn’t stay long. After a quick trip upstairs, to pop up Sam’s suitcase and say goodbye, she left us, promising to let us know as and when she found out any more – though that would obviously be unlikely to happen before Monday morning. In the meantime, it was really just a case of watch and wait. Though in the shorter term, just a case of settling him in and putting him to bed, which, surprisingly, proved as simple a task as it sounded. It had been gone seven when they’d arrived, Sam had already eaten, and after the best part of an hour playing on the PlayStation with Tyler, it seemed that he didn’t even need telling it was bedtime.

‘Am I allowed to go to bed yet?’ he asked when I checked on them.

‘Yes, of course, love,’ I told him. ‘Shall I help you with your things?’

‘I’m okay,’ he said, getting to his feet, as Tyler paused the game. ‘I’m nine now,’ he added. ‘I can do stuff for myself.’

There was no side to him. No attitude. And he didn’t seem to mind me watching as he trotted this room, unzipped his case and started rootling round for pyjamas. (That he’d have everything he needed wasn’t going to be an issue, as I knew Kelly would have diligently packed everything she’d thought he might.)

‘How about a glass of water?’ I suggested, once he’d finally found them.

‘I’m okay,’ he said, briefly meeting my gaze. ‘Night, night.’

My cue to go, then. So I did – only pointing out the bathroom, so he could clean his teeth. Which he did, albeit that I suspected this was a pretty recent ritual. I knew because I lingered with Tyler for a bit – duty done, he was getting ready to go out now – and heard Sam pad across to the bathroom minutes later. ‘Seriously?’ Tyler whispered to me. ‘Feral? If he’s supposed to be feral, what does that make the eleven-year-old me?’

‘Or the sixteen-year-old you, come to that,’ I shot back at him.

But he was right. Could this be the same boy? Because when I peeked in on him later, just before heading to bed myself, he was sleeping, and looked the absolute picture of innocence. I wondered, as I pulled the door to, when this other child might show his face, the one that everyone was afraid of, with the devilish nature, the spiteful attitude, the belief that he was canine. Was that child really somewhere within Sam’s cute, sweet, exterior?

But I’d been doing the job long enough to know appearances could be deceptive. That the answer was almost certainly ‘yes’. And that, despite my observations, that child would probably show up soon enough. As sure as night followed day.

I switched off the landing light, and tiptoed across to my own bedroom. Fingers crossed not quite as soon as that, though.

Chapter 3

There is a place between sleep and waking which, if you linger there long enough, makes you forget where you are, where you’ve been and how you got there – which is why, for a few moments the next morning, I was knocked completely off guard by the strange sounds assaulting my ears.

Mike, too, it seemed. ‘What the hell is that?’ he spluttered, as he twisted around to check the time. ‘God, it’s not even bloody six o’clock!’

It was an animal sound, so my subconscious automatically supplied the details. ‘Not those cats from next door, again,’ I mumbled blearily. ‘Honestly! You’d think she’d let them in in this weather.’

The noise continued, and, as it did so, I finally woke up properly, and realised that it was actually coming from inside our house. Which was when it hit me. Of course. We had a new child in. D’oh!

Comprehension having dawned, I sat up and shook Mike’s shoulder. ‘Listen!’ I said (as if he had a choice). ‘I think it’s Sam.’

Mike groaned, threw back the duvet and swung his legs out of bed. ‘I think you’re right, love. God, he’s howling, isn’t he? Just like they said. Better go and check on him.’

Gathering such senses as I could – early mornings, particularly in winter, were more Mike’s domain than mine – I got up too, grabbed my dressing gown and pulled back the curtains. It was still fully dark. Just the street lamps were burning, illuminating the silvery sheen the frost had painted on the path. Which made the mournful sound coming from across the landing even more so. And very eerie. Like a werewolf in a movie.

Mike was already coming back in again as I was coming out. ‘Very weird,’ he said. ‘It’s almost like he’s in some sort of trance. He’s just lying there in his bed. Not moving or anything – just eyes shut and howling. No response when I spoke to him. Come on,’ he beckoned. ‘Come and look.’

I followed Mike into Sam’s room, which was lit only by a night light, and where Sam, as Mike had said, was perfectly still in his bed. And I shuddered – were it not for the racket he was making, it was almost as if he was laid out at an undertaker’s, before a funeral, his hair spread across the pillow and his hands clasped on his chest.

‘Sam, love?’ I whispered. ‘It’s Casey. You okay, sweetie?’ Nothing. It was as if he didn’t even realise we were there.

I touched his hand, and felt the heat of his soft, living skin. ‘Sam, love?’ But again, there was no response – just the merest hint of movement beneath his eyelids. But he didn’t seemed at all agitated, and to intrude might distress him. Better, at least for now, to leave him to it, I decided.

I gently tugged on Mike’s forearm and we shuffled back outside again. ‘Let’s leave him be for a bit,’ I suggested. ‘I think he’s self-soothing. Probably his way of coping with waking up in yet another strange house.’

‘What an odd way to go about it. Still, you’re probably right. Let sleeping dogs lie, eh?’ He mouthed ‘boom-boom’ in the half-light. ‘Sorry. Couldn’t help it. Anyway, I’d better go and shower. You okay to make the coffee? I need to get a shift on. We’ve a big delivery due in at seven.’

These days, Mike pretty much ran the warehouse where he worked, which meant long hours, sometimes even on a Sunday, like today, and greater responsibility. And with senior management having always been so understanding about our fostering – not least because it sometimes meant him taking time off at short notice – he took those responsibilities very seriously. It was a point of principle that he was never, ever late.

So I rattled down the stairs, got the coffee on and generally gathered myself together, all the while listening to an almost unbroken soundtrack of those unmistakeable rising and falling ‘ah-oooo, ah-ooooooo’ sounds.

Though not particularly loud or urgent, it was a sound that went through you, but, at the same time, if it soothed him, then I was loath to intervene. After all, I reasoned, it would defeat the whole purpose if he wasn’t allowed to do what made him feel better. Even so, I gave myself a mental time limit. Once Mike had gone to work, I would go up again and see if I could rouse him.

Mike having left to do just that, I was just about to head up and do so when a very confused-looking Tyler appeared in the kitchen.

‘What’s going on up there?’ he asked, sleepily rubbing his eyes. ‘Have you been in and seen him? What on earth is he doing?’

‘Howling, love,’ I said as I finished off my coffee (and reflected that ‘howling, love’ was such an unlikely thing to find yourself saying if you weren’t in a horror film). ‘Apparently, he used to act like a dog to scare his younger brother and sister. But I think it’s more that he’s scared. And that he’s howling to soothe himself. We once looked after another little boy who had autism, and he used to flap his arms, a bit like a bird, when he was stressed or afraid of a situation.’

‘Sam’s autistic?’ Tyler asked. ‘Really? He doesn’t seem autistic.’

‘It’s a very broad spectrum, love,’ I explained. ‘Some signs are hardly noticeable and others a lot more so. Sam hasn’t been officially diagnosed but he must have displayed some of the signs for it to be mentioned in his file, but we’ll just have to wait and see. You never know, this howling might be the extent of it.’

Tyler shuffled across the kitchen to grab a box of cereal. As was often the case, now he’d started at college, he had a full schedule of Sunday-morning football to attend, and needed a suitably hearty breakfast. Though possibly a little earlier than he’d planned.

‘Shall I cook you something love?’ I said.

He shook his head. ‘Don’t worry, Mum. I’ll see to it. You want me to make a bacon sarnie for you too? You need to deal with – ah. Hold up. I think he’s stopped finally.’

I listened. ‘Yes, you’re right. I think he has. I’ll nip up and see what’s happening. Oh, and double yes about that sandwich, with brown sauce and knobs on. Because I suspect this might just be the calm before the storm.’

I hurried back upstairs. ‘Morning, sweetie!’ I called out brightly after knocking and entering. ‘Would you like to come downstairs and have some breakfast with me and Tyler? I’ll pop some cartoons on for you while we get things ready, if you like.’

Sam was still lying on his back, staring blankly at the ceiling. But he was aware of my presence now, because he immediately turned to look at me. He looked confused at first – not surprisingly – but then smiled and sat up, and swung his legs out of the bed.

It was an odd smile, however, that didn’t quite seem to reach his eyes, and I tried to remember where I’d seen that before. It hit me then that it had been Georgie, the autistic boy I’d just mentioned to Tyler. When I spoke to him, he’d often adopt that exact expression – as if he knew what a smile was, but didn’t really feel it. Just understood, or had been taught, when he was expected to produce one.

‘I like cartoons,’ Sam said. Then he pointed at his pyjamas, ‘Look, Mrs Bolton,’ he said. ‘See? These are cartoon pyjamas. Fireman Sam. The lady got them for me because I’m a Sam too. And I’m going be a fireman as well.’

I laughed and held out my hand. ‘Come on then, Fireman Sam. And Mrs Bolton – Christine – is the lady who brought you yesterday. My name is Casey, remember?’

Sam took my hand, which surprised me, and nodded. ‘Choo, choo! Casey Jones!’ he said, pulling on an invisible train whistle with his other hand. And this time his accompanying smile seemed more genuine. ‘I know that story, too. You know, you should be a train driver.’

I smiled back. This kid was certainly full of surprises. How on earth did he know about a TV show that pre-dated even me?

‘You know what?’ I said, as we walked, companionably hand-in-hand, down the stairs. ‘I would have loved to be a train driver. But I couldn’t get a job. I was too short to see over the engine.’

‘For real?’ he said, eyes wide.

‘Just kidding,’ I told him. ‘So. What would you like for breakfast? Cereal? Bacon sandwich? Boiled eggs and soldiers?’

‘Boiled eggs and soldiers?’

‘You mean you’ve never eaten soldiers?’

Sam shook his head. He looked flummoxed. ‘What, real soldiers?’

‘Yes, absolutely. But made of bread, so you can stick them in the egg. If you listen closely, you can hear them going “oi!”’

I studied Sam while Tyler and I made short work of our bacon sandwiches, and our little visitor wolfed down his eggs and soldiers. What a complicated little lad he was. And an immature one, as well – both physically and mentally. Though not immature in the pejorative sense of the word. I was just building a picture of a boy half his age. The precious backpack, the pyjamas and the talk of being a fireman – a fine ambition at any age, of course, but, in tandem with what I knew of his regular toddler-tantrum-like outbursts, I felt sure I was in the presence of arrested development, of a child who had probably missed many milestones. And conceivably, given the little I did know of his background, a fair bit of schooling. Possibly as a result of his autism or neglect, and perhaps both; a child who’d never heard of boiled eggs and soldiers.

But Sam had definitely heard of Lego. And once Tyler had left, and I got my enormous crate of bricks out, he fell upon it as if I’d handed him the keys to the proverbial sweetshop, having never in his life, he told me, wide-eyed and breathless, seen so much of it, in one place, all at once.

Let alone been allowed to play with it. So Lego it was, then, and since he didn’t want me to help him, I switched the telly to a daytime chat show (a rare, guilty pleasure), happy to just observe as he tipped the entire box onto the carpet and, once he’d gathered up and sorted what he needed into neat different-coloured piles, set about making ‘the biggest, bestest bridge ever’.

And after an hour during which he was completely absorbed, he had indeed built something pretty magnificent. Whatever problems there might be with his emotional and social development, his engineering skills, eye for detail and spatial awareness really were something to behold.

And I was just about to say so when the whole thing went pear-shaped, and the much-heralded wild child, who rampaged like an animal, showed up to join us, as if from nowhere.

And it really was out of nowhere. I’d had absolutely no inkling. One minute he was sitting back on his heels admiring what he’d made – I had shuffled forwards on the sofa and muted the telly so I could inspect it too – and the next he was on his feet and, completely without warning, had karate-kicked a foot out to smash it to pieces – a full-on sideways thrust right at the middle of it with his bare foot.

‘I hate you!’ he screamed at it. ‘I hate you! I hate you!’ And once he’d reduced it to a pile of bricks again, he kicked at it some more, sending showers of bricks pinging all across the room.

‘Sam! What on earth’s wrong?’ I asked. ‘Why on earth have you done that? Your bridge was brilliant. Why would you smash it into pieces like that?’

He whirled to face me. ‘Cos it’s shit!’ he screamed, stabbing a finger towards the mess he’d made. ‘The colours got all wrong! This Lego is shit! I don’t want it! I hate it!’

‘The colours got wrong?’ I asked, keeping my voice low to try and calm things. ‘What d’you mean, love? The colours looked lovely to me.’

I should have known better than to disagree with him, because this only made him crosser. ‘The colours got wrong!’ he raged. Then, again without warning, he lunged at me, grabbed my hair and began pulling.

What a sight we must have looked to anyone passing by – me still perched on the sofa, Sam’s face at my eye level, pink-cheeked with fury, two clumps of my hair clutched tight in his fists. I could feel his warm breath puffing in angry gusts on my face.

‘I hate you! I hate you!’ he screamed, pulling harder, now kicking out with his feet at my shins as well. Thanking God for him being shoeless, I unfolded myself to standing, though with my head dipped, of necessity, to the level of his chest.

‘Sam, let go of my hair, please,’ I said through a veil of it.

In answer, he tugged harder. I put my hands over his. ‘Sam. Let go of my hair, please. Now.’

Another tug, this time accessorised by an eardrum-splitting scream. ‘Sam!’ I shouted, now forcibly unbending his fingers. ‘You need to listen to me. Let go this minute. Calm down!’

He was screaming at such a pitch now that I doubted he could even hear me. But my greater strength won out and I managed to free my hair. His own hands I hung on to though, tightly. What must this kind of assault be like if you were the same size as he was? Or smaller – Kelly’s fears for her poor kids were now making sense. And no wonder his own siblings were so scared of him.

‘Sam! Listen to me,’ I said firmly, holding his hands now in front of him. ‘I want to help you. I want to help you figure out what went wrong with your bridge. But I cannot do that – I cannot help you – while you’re this angry.’

His eyes were full of tears now. ‘It was the blues! It was the blues!’

I saw his leg twitch, and braced for another kick, but it didn’t come. I lowered my backside back onto the sofa so we were again face-to-face. ‘Okay, so that’s a start,’ I said. ‘Sam, look at me. Look at me. There. That’s a start. So, what about the blues? What exactly went wrong with them?’

‘There was a wrong one!’ His tone suggested he was incredulous that I could have missed it. ‘A blue one where there shouldn’t have been one! And I never did it! I did a red, then a white, then a blue, then a red again. But I never put two blues together. I never!’

Wow, I thought, he has misplaced a brick. That is all. ‘Ah, I see,’ I said. ‘Well, yes, I can see how that would make you cross. So perhaps it’s best if we put the bricks away for today, okay? So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to pick them all up, together, and put them back in the box. Then how about I see if I can find Fireman Sam on the telly?’

‘But I never did it!’ he squeaked at me. ‘I never!’

But I could tell from his changing body language that this was only the embers. The raging fire, quick to ignite, had died away equally quickly. I let go of his hands finally. He flexed and unflexed his fingers.

‘Come on,’ I said, getting down on my knees now. ‘Tell you what, shall we make it a race?’

In answer, he was down on his own knees in seconds, gathering. ‘Beat ya, beat ya, beat ya!’ he sang. ‘Gotcha, gonna eat ya!’

Which made little sense to me, but that was absolutely fine. The important thing was that the storm had passed as quickly as it had started. And at least we’d had it, which meant that we were at last up and running. And though I didn’t know to where, quite, with this tornado of a child, at least I had a better idea of what I was dealing with.

Chapter 4

If that one small incident opened a window to what Kelly might have been dealing with, the next couple of days saw me thrown headlong straight out of it, and onto what I had to concede was something fast approaching a battlefield. Life with Sam was definitely going to be no picnic. No wonder Kelly, with two little ones, had struggled to cope. Because it wasn’t just the screaming and the howling and the tantrums, and it wasn’t just the constant threat of violence when Sam exploded. It was that I just never saw them coming.

And they seemed destined to be a regular occurrence. That same afternoon, after Mike and Tyler had returned, I was in the kitchen, toiling away at a late-afternoon roast, when there was another major blow-up.

Sam had been watching TV while Mike and Tyler had been going over some college coursework, and, as the volume had been creeping up to a disruptive level, Mike had asked Sam if he could turn it down a little. He’d duly nodded – this was apparently no problem in itself, because he did as he was told immediately – but when he accidentally pressed the ‘change channel’ button, and lost the programme temporarily, it triggered a second bout of screaming and swearing and lashing out – this time, and just as I ran into the living room, by throwing the remote across the room in a fit of temper, catching Tyler a glancing blow across the face.

Mike was obviously quick to act, grabbing Sam up in a bear hug before he could lay hands on anything else to throw, and while Tyler heroically took the blow – in both senses – on the chin, Mike was already deploying the restraint technique we’d been trained in; using his superior strength to physically contain Sam while trying to quell the storm of his temper.

And what a whirlwind of a thing that temper was. Mike had his arms firmly around Sam, pinning his own to his sides, but I could see he was looking for any opportunity to attack, gnashing his teeth, and trying to get his mouth close enough to bite Mike, while kicking his feet out to try and kick him on the shins. Had he not been just nine – and such a scrap of a thing – it would have been a fearsome sight. As it was it just made me feel very sad.

While Tyler gathered up the batteries and put the remote back together, I went across to see if I could help. ‘Sam, until you stop that silly kicking and biting, Mike can’t let you go,’ I tried. ‘The way you are carrying on, you will hurt yourself, and we don’t want that to happen. We just want you to calm yourself down, okay? So stop yelling and take some deep breaths, please.’

But the only thing Sam was listening to was his anger, which seemed to be drowning all other sounds out. Eyes squeezed tight shut, he continued to wriggle and squirm. ‘Are you listening, mate?’ Mike asked. ‘You need to stop this, okay? Because I can’t let you go till you do.’

Mike shuffled back a little, towards the sofa, pulling Sam up onto his lap, speaking softly as he did so despite the heels hammering at his shins. ‘There we go, mate,’ he said, as he cradled and rocked him. ‘That’s better, you’re settling down now. Come on, shhhh, stop your fuss now, that’s it, in and out, take deep breaths.’

And, bit by bit, once again, the storm began to ebb away. Whether by will or exhaustion, I had no idea, but after ten minutes it appeared to have passed altogether, and once he was limp in Mike’s arms, his eyes finally open, I took a chance – those little feet could pack one heck of a punch – and knelt down in front of him on the carpet.

‘Sam, d’you want to talk?’ I asked. ‘About what made you angry?’

His eyes flicked past me to where Tyler was standing, holding the remote.

‘Stupid buttons!’ he said immediately. ‘The stupid buttons make me angry. They’re rubbish buttons,’ he added. ‘They’re just stupid.’

‘They’re just buttons, love,’ I pointed out. ‘Are they really worth getting in such a pickle about? Tell you what, how about Tyler sits down with you after dinner, and goes through what all the different buttons do with you? Would that help, do you think? Though for now, I think you first need to say sorry to him, don’t you?’

‘Mum, it’s fine,’ Tyler began. ‘He didn’t mean –’

‘Exactly. I didn’t mean to,’ Sam finished for him.

‘Nevertheless,’ I said, ‘it hit him, and you were the one who threw it. Which makes it a consequence of an action you took, Sam. Which is something I’d like you to think about, okay? And meanwhile, I’d better get back to the kitchen, or none of us will be getting any tea tonight, will we?’

Sam’s chin jutted as he looked at me, apparently astonished. ‘I’m allowed tea?’

‘Of course you are, mate,’ Mike said. He too took a chance and let his arms fall away. ‘Can’t have a little scrap like you starving, can we?’

Sam twisted round to look at him. ‘Even though I’m bad? I still get tea?’

I touched Sam gently on his head. His forehead was damp from his exertions, as was his hair. ‘Of course you get tea, silly. And you’re not bad, love,’ I said. ‘You’re just a little boy who gets angry quite a lot, and we’re going to all have to work together to help you with that. And we will. Though in the meantime’ – I got to my feet and put my hand out – ‘how about you come into the kitchen and help me with the veg, so Mike and Tyler can finish off what they’re doing?’

Sam managed a smile as he took my hand. ‘Are we having peas?’ he asked. ‘I could count them. I’m good at counting peas.’

I think we all chuckled in unison. ‘I’m not sure we actually need to count them,’ I told him. ‘But yes, if you want peas, we can definitely have peas. But first, are you going to say sorry to Tyler?’

‘Oh, yeah, sorry,’ he said. Then trotted off with me, happy as Larry. What a conundrum this little boy was.

I pondered the puzzle of Sam as I finished preparing dinner and, deprived of counting peas, he helped sort out the cutlery instead. Because it was a puzzle. There being no unhappy aftermath to Sam’s violent outbursts – at least so far – was interesting in itself. As had been the case earlier in the day, once Sam was over his anger, it was as if he’d forgotten all about it. No contrition. No regret. But no sullen defiance either. Though he’d been genuinely astonished that he was still going to be fed after what he’d done (which meant he definitely understood we had issues about his behaviour), his own ‘moral compass’ – his personal landscape of what was and wasn’t acceptable – seemed oddly absent. Whereas most kids, even the most damaged, out-of-control kids, had an understanding that their behaviour negatively impacted on others (more often than not, that was precisely why they did it), it almost seemed as if Sam rationalised them on a ‘what’s done is done’ basis. Since he had no problem brushing them off once they were over – and forgetting them completely – it didn’t seem to occur to him that we wouldn’t too. I was no psychologist, but I found Sam’s psychology fascinating. It was as if he was living in the moment, but to the nth degree. So much so that it was as if his previous rages hadn’t even happened.

Yet, happen they had, and happen they did again. And, over the next twenty-four hours, they happened at regular intervals. Without warning, the slightest thing could tip him over into a raging, yelling bundle of fury. Because the eggs and soldiers hadn’t been set out the same way as yesterday. Because he’d coloured over the lines in the colouring-in book I’d given him. Because someone on Fireman Sam didn’t do what Sam thought he should do. By the time Monday evening came around, I looked as if I’d done a few rounds myself – in a boxing ring with Anthony Joshua.

‘We can’t allow this to continue,’ Mike said once we’d put Sam to bed that evening, after another flare-up over some nonsense or other. Yet another episode during which I’d had a fistful of hair grabbed.

‘I know,’ I said. ‘I’d be tearing my own hair out, but he’s busy doing it for me. I’ll be flipping bald soon, at this rate!’ I felt my scalp, which was so tender that I winced as I touched it. ‘I just wish I could get a handle on his triggers.’

‘Sure you’re not just clutching at straws?’ Mike said. ‘Because from what I’ve seen and you’ve described, anything could be a trigger. He’s just in max on-the-edge mode, twenty-four seven. How can we get to the bottom of something we can’t see coming?’

Yet, for all that Mike was right (he had to be – how else to explain the rages?) when he wasn’t flying off the handle Sam was no trouble at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. Though I’d been anxious that Tyler would lose his rag sooner or later, when I’d gently probed him about Sam (he was now out for the evening) he’d laughed it all off, apparently genuinely.

‘It’s obviously going to be like living with a little cyclone,’ he’d admitted. ‘But as long as he doesn’t touch my stuff I can live with it.’

‘Seriously?’ I’d asked. After the troubles we’d had with Miller, I was anxious above anything that we didn’t have a re-run. Happy as I was to take on Sam, it just wouldn’t be fair.

‘Seriously,’ he’d reassured me. ‘I know it’s going to sound weird, Mum, but I quite like him. He’s sweet.’

And though I knew Mike wasn’t convinced yet, what Tyler had said had struck a chord with me. Bottom line was that I liked Sam too. Which was no way a requisite for caring for him and doing my best for him, but it was a happy extra fact. And a welcome one, too. Whatever else it was, it was a plus point, because we were at the start of a journey that could end up as rocky as many others I’d already taken. A little stock of goodwill and sympathy would be a big bonus.

‘You’re right,’ I agreed with Mike now, ‘but, you know, even only forty-eight hours in, I feel we’re already gathering pieces of the jigsaw. His comment about being fed when he’d been “bad” – that was telling, for instance. No, I know it’s not earth-shattering knowing he was probably punished by being denied food, but it’s something, isn’t it? Not a lot, but something. And all the kicking, biting, hair-pulling – that doesn’t just come from nowhere. It’s learned behaviour. As is all the dog stuff. I think I need to do some comprehensive note-taking with this one, because although it all seems kind of random in the moment, we might just find a pattern if we record everything.’

I could see from Mike’s expression that he knew I was on a roll. But I could also see that he wasn’t yet rolling with me. ‘Well okay, love, I guess you know what you’re doing, but it’s one thing him attacking us and Ty, but what about when the grandkids come round? Have you thought about that?’

‘Of course I have,’ I sniffed. ‘I can’t believe you’ve even asked that. In fact, I filled Riley and Kieron in this afternoon, before you got home. And, yes, I’ve pre-warned them that things might be a little sticky in the short term, but it’s not like we’re going to have them round here and leave them alone with him unsupervised. And, besides, Levi and Jackson are both older than Sam – and stronger, don’t forget. I doubt he’d give them any nonsense. I doubt he’d dare. And as for the girls –’

‘Case, there you go. That’s exactly what I’m getting at. It’s all well and good dealing with it after the fact, but in the meantime one of the kids might have been frightened or even hurt, and we can’t ask them not to come to the house, can we? I just think we need to be clear that Sam poses a risk to them, and be upfront about how – and if – we want to manage that. I don’t think either of us want a re-run of Miller. No, I know we don’t, in fact.’

I didn’t like the turn this conversation was taking. Not one bit. ‘So you’re saying we shouldn’t commit to Sam yet?’

‘No, I’m not saying that. I’m just saying – and don’t throw a cushion at me, okay? – that we should be clear that if Sam continues with these violent outbursts there is a line to be drawn, and we’re not going to cross it. That our grandkids being safe here with any foster kid is non-negotiable. One thing you being covered in bruises, because you’re tough as nails, you are, but quite another it happening to them. Isn’t that fair?’ He looked at me pointedly.

Which he had a right to. I’d bent his ear enough about Miller, after all. He knew more than anyone just how close I’d come to throwing in the fostering towel with him. So perhaps he was just pre-empting things; looking out for me.

But I was gung-ho. I don’t know why, but I just felt I could get a handle on Sam – get through to him, autism or no autism. ‘Oh, stop looking for problems that may not exist, love.’ I grinned at him. ‘You know I hate when you do that.’

Mike laughed. ‘No, love, what you hate is when I touch on your own fears. You know as well as I do that this could be a real issue.’

As I went to put the kettle on I felt an overwhelming urge to let out a growl myself, because what I hated even more than that was admitting that Mike was right, and I might be wrong.

So I’d just have to prove him wrong, wouldn’t I?

Chapter 5

It felt a little like saying hello to an old friend. Not in reality; all the previous examples in my life had long gone now, along with the children with whom I’d made them. But in gathering what I’d need to make a chart for Sam – the stickers, the paper, the array of felt pens – I felt the warm glow of re-acquaintance with a cherished buddy.

When was the last time I’d set about my job with my old friend to support me? Too long, it seemed to me. Much too long. If I’d been slightly stung by Christine’s opinion of our points system when I’d first met her, now I was even more zealous. And because it had been her suggestion that we try helping Sam within its framework, I also felt vindicated – which made me even more determined to prove the naysayers wrong. For some children, in some circumstances, positive and structured behaviour modification was the key to unlock the potential for better lives.

That we needed to access that key in Sam was increasingly obvious. We knew almost nothing about him yet, and I doubted we would for a few days more, but whatever the underlying issues for his various behaviours, helping him to find ways to quash them before they completely took hold of him would be essential if we were to try and help him come to terms with his situation and his past.

Whatever that past might turn out to be. We were three days in now and still I knew nothing of his history. He’d offered nothing either, and I’d decided not to press. Instead, after another day spent mostly fire-fighting his tantrums, I had made copious notes, both in my head and in my journal. And having assembled all my equipment, I now sat and read through the latter, marking the ones which I felt we should prioritise; not just the obvious issue of him lashing out in anger (obviously the main one) but also personal care, household chores and an array of social niceties that, when implemented, would add that positive bit of structure to his days.

It wasn’t as simple a business as might be expected, however. With children like Sam, a list of ‘don’t dos’ and ‘you must dos’ would be useless. The most effective way to deal with undesirable behaviours (such as anger, quick temper or being fast-reactive) was to put tasks into place that he could readily do but required patience, thought and determination. It would be a slow process – as with Rome, desired behaviours really weren’t built in a day – but the ongoing sense of achievement, built in lots of small ways, would hopefully see those negative behaviours begin subsiding.

But first Sam needed concrete incentives. If he didn’t understand that he was doing anything wrong, then, without being offered something in return, why would he change? Again, this wouldn’t necessarily be a simple thing to achieve, because the usual trade of ‘do this and you’ll get that’ generally didn’t work well with children at Sam’s intellectual/emotional level. So it was more about giving him control. If we established the things he wanted, and gave him options for ways to get them, then he could choose to work towards them. If he wanted a takeaway pizza at the weekend, he could be proactive in trying to earn one – choosing to do the tasks necessary for him to be rewarded.

Or not. Though the ‘not’ bit wasn’t part of the plan. Not initially. Nor were his undesirable behaviours. Where more emotionally robust children could cope with losing points as well as earning them, and, as a consequence, try harder after precious ‘ticks’ had been lost, other children – the most vulnerable – would react very differently; one ‘failure’ would immediately send them into a spin, thinking (because negative thinking can be such an ingrained behaviour) that they had failed, period, and that all was now lost. And this in itself would lead to more ‘bad’ behaviour.

So it was all about keeping things positive – if Sam didn’t feel like doing a chore, or was too busy acting up to finish one, he could simply regroup and try again for it the next day.

And, having had the green light from Christine, even before I’d met him, I’d prepared for Sam’s arrival with this kind of behaviour modification already in mind. Which was why, before he got to us, I had already done some of the work necessary to put my plans into action; the bedroom he’d been given was already free of the two things that (sad to say, some would say, but this was the real world, in this world) I knew could be used as inducements, namely the small television that habitually resided there and, usually attached to it, Kieron’s old Xbox. Given what I’d observed in the days Sam had been with us, these two items would, I knew, provide incentives.

But now the real work began. After a third morning in which Sam had howled in bed for half an hour, I’d brought him down for breakfast (Mike and Tyler having gone to work and college) and, once we’d eaten, had allowed him to watch TV in the living room while I gathered my equipment on the dining table.

Now I drained my coffee and suggested he might like to come and join me, to play a game I thought he might enjoy.

‘It’s a special game,’ I told him, as I pulled a dining chair out for him to sit on. ‘One where the idea is to make life a bit easier for you.’

He sat as instructed and eyed all the paper and pens. ‘Are we doing colouring in?’ he asked. ‘Shall I draw you a fire engine?’

‘Not yet,’ I said, ‘but we can after this, if you like. No, what I thought we could do first of all is find out what things you would really like.’ I picked up my pen. ‘And when you tell me, I can make a list of them.’

Sam’s hand shot up immediately, just as it might in a classroom. ‘A dog,’ he enthused. ‘I really, really want a dog.’

My heart sank just a little. Not the best of starts, obviously. Since having our first foster child, Justin – when Bob, our dog, had been at risk of serious harm – having a pet in the house had become a no-no. So Bob (now in doggy heaven) had gone to live his life out with Kieron. But Kieron now had another dog, a little Westie called Luna. ‘Not a dog, sweetie. We can’t have a dog here, I’m afraid. But shall I tell you something? My son Kieron has a dog. If you’d like to we could certainly go and visit him.’

‘A big dog or a little dog?’ he asked. I filed the question away.

‘A little dog.’

‘Good,’ he said. ‘I like little dogs the best.’

I filed that one away too. But chanced a supplementary question.

‘Did you used to have a dog?’ I asked.

‘No,’ he said immediately. A little too immediately. ‘I never.’

‘You’d just like one.’

‘Really, really,’ he said.

‘Well, as I say, we can’t have one here, but if you like little dogs, you’ll definitely like Luna. And hopefully you’ll get to meet her soon. So, think again. What else?’

‘Um …’ he said, ‘um …’, his brow furrowed in concentration.

‘How about I suggest something?’ I offered, pretending to think hard, as he had. ‘How about a TV in your bedroom?’

His eyes became like saucers. ‘Oh my God, yes!’ he said. ‘Could I really? That would be way cool.’

I wrote ‘television’ down on one of my pieces of paper. ‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Then how about, say, an hour to play on my laptop?’

‘Your laptop? Your actual laptop?’

‘My actual laptop. And, let me see now, maybe something like an Xbox in your room?’

Sam jumped from his chair at this, and punched the air, twice. ‘It’s like Christmas for good kids!’ he shouted. ‘Yes, yes!’

‘Hang on,’ I said, laughing. ‘We’re not finished yet. What other things would you most like?’

‘I like everything,’ he said, sitting down again.

‘So, if I add a trip to the cinema, a new toy, a takeaway … and how about a movie night? Curtains shut, so it’s like the cinema, and with popcorn and everything.’ I glanced up from my scribbling. ‘Those things sound alright to you?’

But Sam had stopped laughing suddenly, and was staring at my list now. I didn’t know why, or what I’d said, but something had definitely just happened to create a change.

I touched his arm. ‘What d’you think, love?’

He turned his gaze to me. ‘What do I have to do?’ he asked, his voice now low and quiet. ‘Do I have to count to lots of one hundreds?’

Again, I filed his words away to ponder over later. But in the meantime I was at least pleased to notice that he was beginning to understand there had to be a trade-off. ‘No, silly,’ I said, smiling. ‘No counting needed. But, yes, you are right in that to get things you first have to earn them. I’m sure you’ve learned all about that in school?’

He shrugged his shoulders. ‘I s’pose,’ he said, but his enthusiasm was definitely on the wane now.

I reached for a second sheet of paper. ‘So,’ I said, ‘now we have to make another list. Of how you could get to have all those things. But, come on, you help me – what do you think you could do?’

He was still looking at me with that odd, anxious expression, and I feared that the whole process might be derailed any moment – that he’d lose his rag, declare things ‘rubbish’ and generally kick off.

But he didn’t do anything. He just sat there looking sad. ‘I don’t think I want to do anything,’ he said eventually. Then he thought for a moment. ‘Or, maybe, I could run to the shops for you?’

It had come out of leftfield, creating a vivid image. Of little Sam hurrying down the street carrying a list and a Tesco bag for life. Such a simple thing to do, in a happy, secure childhood. And it touched me. Made me feel sad too.

It was also a discussion for another day – one down the line a bit. He was nine and an unknown quantity, so it was also a safeguarding issue. ‘No, nothing like that,’ I said, ‘though it’s a lovely idea, Sam. No, let me think. I was thinking more of things round the house. Like, how about, I know … making your bed every morning?’

He nodded. ‘Then maybe being quiet in your room until you hear an adult get up, perhaps? Brushing your teeth twice a day? Taking out the rubbish bags to the bins?’

I was writing as I spoke and I could see Sam eyeing the list, and I could tell by his expression – which was approaching incredulous – that he thought this was far too easy a trade.

It also seemed to cheer him up from whatever had upset him. ‘I could do all of that,’ he said. ‘Easy. And I could wash up, and dry up, and help put the pots away,’ – now we’re rolling, I thought – ‘and I’m good at digging. I can dig the garden up for you if you like.’

I had another vision – of my flower beds, and how well they might fare under his enthusiastic ministrations. ‘Well, I think we’ll leave the garden till it’s properly springtime,’ I told him. ‘But if you’re happy with all the others, I think that would be brilliant. So,’ I said, sitting back a little, ‘now we have what we need to play the game. The list of things you’d like, and the list of things you can do to help you get them. So now we come to this chart –’ Like a Blue Peter presenter, I reached for the one I’d prepared earlier.

‘What’s that?’ he said, his interest piqued. ‘What’s the lines for?’

‘These are rows and columns,’ I explained as we pored over it together. ‘We put the tasks down on this side, and the days of the week up here, and every time you complete one, we mark it with a tick. Well, not a tick, but a star’ – I reached for them – ‘like this. Then we count up all the stars and check the list of treats, and you can chose those you’ve earned enough stars for. Then we do exactly the same the next week, and the next week, and the next week. Maybe change the treats, if you decide there are other things you’d like to earn. But that’s pretty much how it works. Does that make sense?’

‘I’m not sure. I think so.’

‘Don’t worry. It will make more sense when we’ve filled in all the boxes. Shall we do that now?’

‘Yes, yes,’ he enthused, ‘so I can start straight away. Easy peasy!’

It wasn’t quite as simple as that, obviously, because nothing worthwhile ever is. And, down the line – well, assuming all went roughly to plan – it would, of necessity, become more complicated. He could only ‘earn’ the TV and Xbox once, obviously, so at some point he’d have to understand that, in order just to keep them, certain tasks would need completing regularly. Which could create another crisis (it had done so with Justin) and that would need to be managed too, when it came to it – but it was important that we did, because it was another important step on the road to a child taking ownership of their own behaviour.

But that was for later. For the moment it was sufficient that we were sitting companionably at the table, and that Sam was embarking, willingly, on the all-important first step – engaging with a process that could reap huge rewards for him, and which would occupying him productively and, hopefully, as a by-product, help his more negative behaviours to melt away a bit.

At least, that was the theory …

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