Meet Ruby’s fiancé, Finn. He’s gorgeous, thoughtful, successful and adoring – pretty much anyone could ever want in a man. In fact, he’s perfect. The catch? He’s just not perfect for her. But when Ruby finally plucks up the courage to come clean, Finn’s so furious that he misses his footing as he runs down the stairs – and suddenly, it’s not just his heart that’s broken!

When Finn wakes up, he can’t remember a thing. Not that Ruby dumped him – not even that they were ever engaged! It’s on the tip of Ruby’s tongue to come clean, but somehow, it never seems to be the right time… And as the weeks pass, she sees a new side to Finn. Arrogant and a shameless flirt, he’s irresistibly bad, and the chemistry between them is explosive!

It’s not that Ruby’s lying… she’s just withholding the truth. And seeing as things are going so well, perhaps there’s no need for Finn to have his memory jogged… The trouble is, there’s every chance that Finn might remember for himself!

Also by Jill Steeples

Desperately Seeking Heaven

Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off

Praise for JILL STEEPLES

‘Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off by Jill Steeples is a well written and easy to like book. If you are looking for a chick lit with a twist then give this one a read.’ Harlequin Junkie

**

‘So gripping, vivid, enjoyable and fascinating!!!’ Sky's Book Corner on Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off

**

‘It was a thoroughly enjoyable read that kept you wanting more.’ A Book and Tea on Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off

**

‘Jill is a great writer, she knows how to tell a story. I can’t wait to read more of Jill Steeples.’ Dreaming with Open Eyes

**

‘If I had to sum this book up in three words, they would be Romantic, Marvellous and Amazing.’ 23reviewstreet on Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off *

**

‘A truly magical novel’ – Chick Lit Reviews and News on Desperately Seeking Heaven

**

‘A very cute book! It was fun, funny, and endearing and also heart-wrenching at times.’ Book Binge on Desperately Seeking Heaven

**

‘A cute and easy read’ This Chick Reads on Desperately Seeking Heaven

*Amazon reader reviews

Hopelessly Devoted to You

Jill Steeples

Copyright

HQ

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2014

Copyright © Jill Steeples 2014

Jill Steeples asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

E-book Edition © June 2014 ISBN: 9781472096494

Version date: 2018-07-23

Jill Steeples lives in a small market town in Bedfordshire with her husband and two children.

From an early age she fell in love with the fabulously funny romances of Jilly Cooper, and vowed, one day, she would have a go at writing one of her own.

Jill loves writing short stories, particularly those with a twist in the tail, and her work has appeared in popular women’s magazines around the world and in a number of charity anthologies.

Hopelessly Devoted to You is her third novel.

I would like to express my huge thanks to the wonderful HQ Digital team for their continued support and encouragement in helping me bring my books to publication. In particular, I would like to thank Lucy Gilmour and Victoria Oundjian, editors extraordinaire, for their amazing insight and editorial advice. A big thanks too must go to the extremely talented HQ Digital design team for producing such beautiful, eye-catching covers. I still spend a disproportionate amount of time gazing at my covers longingly.

One unexpected bonus of being published is all the lovely people I’ve met along the way. My fellow HQ Digital authors are a fabulously talented, funny and kind bunch of people - it’s been a pleasure to share this journey with you.

I’ve been overwhelmed by the huge swell of support I’ve received from the new friends I’ve met - mainly on twitter - book bloggers, reviewers and readers. To each and everyone of you who has taken the time to read my books I give my heartfelt thanks. It goes without saying that this applies to my old friends too!

Finally, I’d like to thank my lovely family for putting up with me still. One day there will be food in the fridge, clean socks in the drawers and a cheerfully sunny wife/mother in the kitchen, and I know you'll all be there for her when she deigns to put in an appearance.

For Nick, Tom and Ellie

With love

Contents

Cover

Blurb

Book List

Praise

Title Page

Copyright

Author Bio

Acknowledgements

Dedication

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Epilogue

Extract

Endpages

About the Publisher

Chapter One

“Finn, we need to talk.”

“Finn, there’s something I have to tell you.”

“The thing is, Finn, I…”

“Look, Finn, I’m really sorry, but the thing is…the thing is I don’t love you. I wonder if I’ve ever loved you. I’m calling off our wedding.”

Aargh, no! Ruby dropped her head into her hands, a familiar sense of dread sweeping the length of her body. She couldn’t do it. Every time she thought about telling her fiancé she didn’t want to marry him it sent her into a cold panic. How could she do such a bitchy, despicable thing to the sweetest, loveliest man on earth?

She’d tried. Lord knew, she’d tried. Thinking about it, she’d been trying ever since he’d proposed to her over eighteen months ago, presenting her with the biggest, shiniest, most beautiful rock she’d ever clapped eyes on. Swept up in the moment, surrounded by her closest family and friends, champagne bubbles fizzing up her nose, there had only ever been one glorious heartfelt answer.

‘Yes!’ she’d cried, in a blink of an eye.

It was only the morning after when she was alone in her flat, a humongous hangover throbbing in her head, which had nothing to do with the amount of champagne she’d drunk but more to do with the enormity of what had occurred the previous evening, that she wondered if she hadn’t actually been a little hasty in her gushing agreement to Finn’s proposal.

Did she actually want to get married? To Finn, in particular, or to anyone else when she came to think about it? Was she ready for that whole commitment thing? Finn’s unexpected proposal had brought these questions and a hundred and one assorted other ones into startling focus.

The thing was Finn was the perfect boyfriend. There was no getting away from that. Not when everyone kept reminding her of the fact. She knew she was the envy of a lot of girls because they were forever telling her how lucky she was to have snagged Finn in the first place.

Everybody loved Finn.

Everyone except Ruby.

She liked him though. Did that count, she wondered, on the marriageability factor?

She liked him an awful lot; the problem was she wasn’t entirely sure whether she actually loved him or not.

And if she didn’t know how she felt about him then surely that must mean, by a process of elimination, she couldn’t really love him after all.

Honestly the more she thought about it, the more she tied herself up in complete knots.

She’d even spent one futile weekend drawing up a pros and cons list to see if that would help her make a logical and rational decision about the huge Finn-shaped problem in her life. It was what her mum had always advised her to do when she was struggling with a problem in the past and without her mum around now to give boyfriend advice, she thought the list might be the next best thing. But not this time. Not with the Finn problem. In fact it was no use whatsoever. She knew she was on dodgy ground when within half an hour she’d filled two A4 sheets with a long list of Finn’s glowing attributes. And there was only one piddly item to add under the cons side.

‘Doesn’t share my love for James Blunt…’

Admittedly that was pretty shocking and unbelievable and frankly distasteful, but not so shocking that it was grounds enough to give your boyfriend his marching orders. There were much worse things a girl might have to contend with. Only at the moment she was struggling to come up with anything worse.

And now the wedding was only three months away! How had that happened? It had been a lifetime away, long enough away not to have to worry about it, but now it was here, almost on top of her, the wedding train was about to roll into town and she was increasingly uncertain about whether she wanted to jump aboard. Ruby’s heart pounded in her chest at the reminder.

Up until now she’d been able, for the most part, to put it out of her mind and get on with her life; working and socialising and seeing Finn when their busy schedules allowed and that was okay ’cos he was great company and in amongst all the busyness of their day-to-day lives she’d been able to completely forget about the wedding, well, almost…

Only now she couldn’t get away from the fact that she was running out of time and if she didn’t speak to Finn soon, well, then it would be too late and she would just have to go through with the whole shebang anyway. Which might not be such a bad thing after all. It certainly wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

What exactly was the problem here…?

After all, she liked Finn. She really liked Finn. They got on well, but was that reason enough to get married? She hadn’t really given it any consideration until after she’d accepted Finn’s proposal and now she couldn’t think of anything else. It was scant reassurance to know she wasn’t the only person in the world to have struggled with this dilemma. If the future King of England had trouble working out what love was, what chance did she have? Maybe she was making a drama out of a minor crisis of confidence. If her mum were here to talk things through then maybe she wouldn’t be struggling with these doubts.

Was she looking for something that didn’t even exist? Waiting for something that was never going to turn up? Something ridiculously unattainable? That whole bosom-heaving, heart-swelling, pulse-racing gig was the stuff of soppy romance novels and made-for-TV movies. And what she had with Finn was much more solid and dependable and long-lasting. And the only reason she’d found herself recoiling from his touch these last few weeks and avoiding staying over with him was because of all the pressure she’d been putting herself under just thinking about the wedding. And marrying Finn.

That would be it.

Absolutely.

Only that wasn’t her only problem.

If agreeing to marry Finn was her biggest mistake, her second big mistake was admitting the tiniest of her doubts to her best friend, Laura, who had no intention of letting Ruby off the hook quite so readily.

***

Ruby didn’t dare count the number of missed calls, unanswered emails and ignored texts she’d had from Laura in the past few weeks. They had been easy-ish enough to ignore, but now that Laura was banging loudly on Ruby’s front door at nine-thirty on a Thursday night, threatening to camp out in the communal hallway if she had to, she knew she couldn’t put off the inevitable moment any longer. She pulled open the front door and plastered a big smile on her face.

‘You’ve been avoiding me,’ Laura said, narrowing her eyes in a look of admonishment as she breezed past Ruby and into the kitchen. She deposited the bottle of wine she’d been clutching onto the worktop, pulled open a cupboard, finding two glasses, and proceeded to peel off the foil. Talk about making yourself at home.

‘No, I haven’t. It’s just that I’ve been incredibly busy. With work and the restaurant. And…you know, with everything else that has been going on. It’s been manic.’ If she didn’t mention the wedding then perhaps Laura wouldn’t either. Maybe that whole topic would slip their minds this evening.

‘Obviously! Too busy even to remember about your best friend in her moment of need. For all you care, I could have been shipped off to the white slave trade tonight or murdered even!’

‘Oh, God! I am so sorry. Was it tonight? Your date? How did it go?’

‘Terribly! Thanks for asking. I was ready to leave after ten minutes, but it didn’t matter because I thought my friend would come to my rescue and ring me at the prearranged time. How wrong can you be?’

‘I am so sorry,’ she said again, groaning. ‘It completely escaped my mind.’ That was the one text she had replied to, the one from Laura asking if she’d call her at eight p.m. to give her an escape clause from her latest date. After a series of bad experiences, Laura had decided she needed a get-out-of-jail-quick card and had enlisted Ruby’s help. Only Ruby had let her friend down big-time. She’d been so preoccupied with her own love life she hadn’t given a second thought to Laura’s, which was struggling to even get off the ground.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ said Laura, seeing Ruby’s horrified expression. ‘I told him I was about to throw up—that’s always a good one! He couldn’t get rid of me fast enough after that.’ She sighed, a rueful smile on her lips. ‘I could do with this though.’

She handed Ruby a glass of the wine she’d just poured and took a sip of her own. Ruby took a much larger mouthful than was probably necessary and wandered into the living room before sinking down onto the sofa. Laura did the same, sitting on the armchair opposite, her pert bum perched on the edge of the seat as though she didn’t actually intend staying. Or as if she was about to fire off a hundred pertinent questions. Ruby sighed, knowing it was probably the latter.

‘So, how did things go with Finn? I’m guessing you still haven’t told him?’

No chance of that slipping their minds, then.

‘Huh?’ Ruby developed a sudden fascination with her cuticles.

‘Finn! The wedding? Remember? The last conversation we had, you said you were going to tell him the wedding was off. Have you forgotten that? Or are you telling me I just imagined that whole conversation?’

‘Oh, right, yes. That conversation! I do remember that.’ She shifted in her seat and took another glug of wine just so as to avoid Laura’s penetrating gaze. A small pathetic laugh escaped her lips and she waved an arm in front of her face in what she hoped was a nonchalant gesture, although she suspected it only made her look as manic as she was beginning to feel. ‘That…that was just a few last-minute nerves. I’m sure that’s perfectly normal. I suspect lots of brides-to-be have a bit of a wobble, some doubts as to whether they’re doing the right thing or not. All perfectly normal.’

Laura sat back in her chair and dropped her head back onto the cushion, a huge sigh escaping her lips. Ruby felt one of her own rise in her chest.

‘Come on, Ruby. This is me you’re talking to. You don’t need to put on an act, pretend everything’s okay, when we both know that it isn’t. Don’t tell me you’re actually going through with the wedding, after all?’

‘I am, yes! Why shouldn’t I?’ she said, with a spirited show of defiance. ‘I’m a very lucky girl to be marrying a man like Finn.’

‘You know why not! Because you don’t love him. You’ve admitted it yourself. It’s just wrong, very wrong to marry someone you don’t love. It’s not fair on Finn and it’s not fair on you.’

‘Well, I’m sure I’ll get to love him.’ Ruby tried hard to ignore the stirring of disquiet in her chest. She shifted in her seat, grabbing the cushion from behind her and clutching it to her stomach. ‘Finn is a very lovely man who just so happens to love me. He will make a wonderful husband and father. What’s so wrong about that?’

‘Nothing would be wrong with that. If you felt the same way about him too. But you don’t. And you’ve been with Finn for, what is it, a zillion years? If you haven’t fallen in love with him yet, what makes you think you’re ever going to fall in love with him? How long are you prepared to wait, Ruby? Six months? Six years? A lifetime?’

‘Does it have to all be about love, Laura? Finn is a great guy, caring, loving and generous. We get on fantastically. He’s got a great career, with a great future ahead of him. We want the same things from life, we’ve had that conversation, the whole marriage and babies thing, and we share the same values. We are a match made in heaven. Some things transcend love, you know? We’re singing off the same song sheet. Isn’t that enough?’

‘Well, it might be.’ Laura shrugged, her mouth curling in distaste. ‘I know it wouldn’t be for me because I’d want to know that the person I was marrying loved me just as much as I loved them. Now it may be that Finn would still want to marry you knowing that you don’t love him in the same way, but I do think he has the right to know the truth about your feelings. Don’t you?’

Ruby felt her skin prickle with shame under Laura’s intense steely-eyed gaze. Tears stung her eyes. Her heart pounded in her chest, reverberating in her ears so loudly she thought her head might explode. If she could just close her eyes and shut it all out. Everything: her own tormented thoughts, Laura’s accusatory words running around her head and Finn, oh, God, the image of Finn’s smiling, unsuspecting face taunting her mind. She clutched her hair in fists, the pain at her temples a welcome distraction.

What kind of person was she? To go ahead with a wedding just because she was too lily-livered to do the decent thing and tell her fiancé she didn’t know if she loved him. Was that it? Was she prepared to go ahead and marry a man she didn’t love simply because she didn’t want to lose face in front of Finn and all her family and friends? It looked as though she might be.

If she broke off the engagement, she’d be vilified, she knew. Ex-communicated. She might need to get away for a while, lie low until all the fuss had died down. But she couldn’t imagine a time when that would happen. No one would understand why she didn’t want to marry the most perfect boyfriend in the world. If she couldn’t understand it herself, how on earth could she expect anyone else to understand?

‘You’re right!’ she said, jumping up from her seat and pacing the length of the living room as if she’d been struck with divine inspiration. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking. Of course, I can’t marry Finn. You know that. I know that. He deserves someone much better than me. I must tell him. I’ll do it today.’ She looked at the phone as though it were a lethal weapon. If she picked it up and pressed Finn’s number she knew it would shoot a thousand bullets into both their lives. She paused, her gaze drifting out of the window. ‘Well, maybe not today.’

Laura raised her eyebrows doubtfully.

‘When, then? You’ve been talking about it for ages, but you never seem to get round to it. I know it’s hard. One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. But you’re running out of time, Ruby. You just need to do it, get it over and done with. And then you can get on with the rest of your lives. Both of you.’

‘Yes, yes. Absolutely.’ An urgency filled Ruby’s veins. ‘Tomorrow. How about that?’ The enormity of what she had to do crept over her body like a huge heavy rain cloud. ‘I’ll do it tomorrow. Actually, thinking about it, it’s probably just as easy to send him a text?’

Laura’s dark expression gave Ruby a definitive answer.

‘No.’ Ruby shook her head, agreeing with Laura’s silent admonishment. ‘I can’t do that. How about an email? Would that be better?’

‘No.’

‘I don’t suppose you could tell him for me, could you?’

‘No. Absolutely not.’ Laura tutted, actually tutted and folded her arms in front of her chest. ‘You have to do it. It has to be face to face. He deserves that at least. Right. Let’s think about this. You need a plan. Work out in your mind what you’re going to say to him. When are you next seeing Finn?’

‘Tomorrow night. He’s meant to be coming round for supper.’

‘Perfect. That will be the ideal opportunity. Just get it straight in your head what you’re going to tell him and then all you have to do is come out and say it. No beating around the bush. I know it’s a horrible thing to have to do, but once it’s out there you’ll feel so much better.’

Ruby glared at Laura. It was easy for her to say. She wasn’t the one on the verge of breaking the heart of the sweetest man in the world. She was just watching from the sidelines at the train wreckage about to unfold. With a little bit too much barely contained glee, suspected Ruby.

But still, Laura was right. She had to do it. However awful it was. She should have done it much sooner than this. Absolutely. There was no getting away from it this time. No avoiding the issue. No pretending that there wasn’t a huge white wedding booked that would need to be unbooked. She would just have to tell Finn how she felt and all those other issues were just mere practicalities that she could deal with once she got the awfulness out of the way. Come what may, this time tomorrow night Ruby would no longer have a fiancé.

‘Yes, I’ll do it!’ Ruby slapped her hands down on the arms of the chair, saying the words more to herself than to Laura.

‘Well, make sure you do.’ Laura stood up, looking at Ruby with a no-messing expression on her face. ‘If you don’t do it, I’m going to boycott the wedding. I’ll stand outside the church waving a placard and you don’t want that to happen, do you?’

Ruby gave a wry smile.

‘It’ll be fine,’ Laura said sympathetically. ‘Remember I’m on your side. I’ll pop round tomorrow night. About ten o’clock. After my date. If I haven’t heard from you by then I’ll know the coast is clear.’

‘Another one?’

Laura shrugged nonchalantly.

‘Well, it’s a numbers game, isn’t it? And I reckon my lucky number must come up soon. This one’s an alternative comedian. His name’s Max. He sounds really funny and quirky and right up my street.’

‘Oh, great. Well, I hope it goes well. And I’m really sorry about tonight. Do you want me to call you tomorrow night just in case?’

‘Nah, don’t worry. You’ll have enough on your plate with Finn and if I run into problems I can always use the tummy-bug excuse, but I don’t think I will. I have a really good feeling about Max.’

‘You do? Well, I keep my fingers crossed for you.’ Ruby smiled. The excitement she felt at Laura’s enthusiasm for her next date was quickly squashed by the complete dread and trepidation she felt for her own big date with Finn. If only they could swap places, Ruby thought with a sigh.

***

The following evening the doorbell rang and Ruby’s heart plummeted to the bottom of her pumps. Ordinarily she would have worn a tight little black number with a pair of the black strappy high heels that Finn so loved, but she didn’t want his last memory of her to be one where she was looking absolutely drop-dead-gorgeous amazing. Perhaps if she looked a bit ropey, kept her make-up to a minimum, and threw on some old jeans and a sweatshirt then, sub-consciously, Finn might think it wasn’t so bad that he had just been dumped after all.

Who was she kidding? Finn wasn’t like that. He had depth, sincerity and honesty, qualities Ruby felt sadly lacking in at the moment. She knew Finn would think her beautiful dressed in a black bin liner. She didn’t intend going that far but her black trousers and a green floaty blouse would have to do. Smart but not too frivolous. And definitely not sexy.

She sighed. There were far too many decisions to be made when it came to dumping your boyfriend.

As well as what to wear, she’d thought long and hard about what she should prepare for their ‘Last Supper’. Should it be Finn’s favourite meal of lamb noisettes in a redcurrant jus or would that just be rubbing salt in the wound? Would it be better to give him some seafood? He hated fish and so did she; they could bond over the dodgy food and perhaps he wouldn’t notice he’d just been dumped. Then again she wasn’t confident about cooking fish and she didn’t want to give him food poisoning on top of a broken heart. Still, it would hardly matter. It wasn’t as if his one overriding memory of this fateful evening would be what she cooked or what she was wearing. In the end she plumped for a juicy fillet steak. What man didn’t like that? Hopefully it was relatively foolproof and good sustaining fodder to see you through any sort of unexpected emotional trauma.

Smoothing her hair away from her face, she ran along the hallway, took a deep breath and pulled open the door.

‘Finn!’

‘Hello, darling,’ he said, handing over the biggest bouquet of lilies she’d seen with one hand and presenting a bottle of pink champagne with the other. Why did he have to go and do that? Tonight of all nights. He leant down to kiss her, his hands finding her waist, a familiar waft of his lemon-scented aftershave reaching her nostrils.

She laughed and edged away from him, that now familiar sense of claustrophobia threatening to overwhelm her.

‘Flowers and champagne too? What are we celebrating?’ she asked, extracting herself from his embrace, trying to avoid his gaze, which she knew without even looking would be focused on her longingly. She wandered into the kitchen busying herself with finding a vase for the flowers.

‘Since when did we need anything to celebrate? We’re getting married in less than three months. It’s Friday night. I’m about to have a romantic meal with the woman I love. What more could one man need, exactly?’ His words were full of sweet, warm affection.

Ruby forced a laugh, feeling as though her heart might explode. She just needed to keep Laura’s words at the forefront of her mind. Don’t be distracted. Don’t bottle out. Don’t be seduced by his reassuring familiarity, however tempting it was to forget what she was supposed to be doing here tonight. She tried to look at Finn dispassionately.

Okay, he was gorgeous. Even if she was being hyper-critical, there was no getting away from that one. And tonight, annoyingly, for this momentous occasion, he was looking especially so. He was tall, well over six feet and broad and muscular, testament to the number of hours he put in at the gym. His chestnut-brown hair was cut neatly, befitting his role as a city lawyer in a top firm, but only proving to accentuate his strongly defined features and jawline.

In casually cut blue jeans, brown belt, a white crisp shirt open at the neck, brown deck shoes, he looked effortlessly stylish. Effortlessly chic. Typically Finn.

Not that he cultivated his cool good looks in any way. Finn looked exactly the way nature intended. Which just so happened to be pretty damn gorgeous.

Looking at him now, in all his glorious gorgeousness, she wondered if this would be her last remaining memory of him.

Finn was undoubtedly hot and yet she realised, with a heartfelt pang, she felt nothing for him any more, not even a trace of desire. When they first got together they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, but if she was being honest with herself she’d been missing that loving feeling for months. Nausea rose in the back of her throat and her stomach churned with anxiety. Wasn’t that proof enough that their relationship was over?

She sighed inwardly, sadness creeping around her body, knowing that she was throwing away their shared future, one they’d discussed on many occasions. One that Finn had spent the last ten years working for and would continue to work for, all so that he could provide for Ruby and the children they would inevitably have together. There’d be an apartment in the city, a big house in the country, the obligatory dogs, long summer holidays spent at their villa in Tuscany or the South of France.

And she was throwing it away for what? She had no idea. Her income from her freelance work as an illustrator was unreliable to say the least. Some weeks, most weeks, she had to work shifts as a waitress just to bring in a bit of spare cash. The sort of money she brought home wouldn’t even come close to the sort of lifestyle she knew she’d be guaranteed if she stayed with Finn.

Still, this was not the time to get distracted by what-ifs.

It wasn’t about that. Money and all those material things. It was about her inner happiness. What was right in the long term for her and Finn. Trouble was she’d spent so long with Finn she couldn’t imagine a time when he wouldn’t be in her life. But that wasn’t a valid reason enough for her to stay.

If only she loved him the same way he loved her then everything would be so much simpler. But it wasn’t going to happen. She knew that now. She’d been waiting months, no, years, for it to happen and Laura was right. If she didn’t feel it now, what made her think she would wake up the day after their wedding and suddenly find herself madly and passionately in love with Finn? She’d been a fool to think that was even a remote possibility.

‘Oh, shit!’ she cried, remembering she’d left the sauté potatoes sautéing lightly, which were now, judging by the acrid smell wafting their way, singeing nicely.

‘They’ll be fine.’ Finn came up behind her, resting his hands on her waist, a small chuckle escaping his lips as he peered over her shoulder to survey the burnt offerings in the frying pan. ‘Just scrape the black bits off.’

There he was again, invading her territory, assaulting her senses. His easy familiarity washed over her like a big warm comfort blanket. The thought of telling Finn their relationship was over hadn’t been easy to contemplate when she’d discussed it with Laura. Now, with him breathing down her neck, it seemed like an insurmountable task.

‘Do you want to pour the wine? There’s one already open in the fridge,’ she asked, feeling a heat tinge her cheeks, wondering how she would ever get through the rest of the evening. Couldn’t she just tell him now without having to go through the whole cooking dinner thing? It was like being on Hell’s Kitchen with her walking ever closer into the fire. Thinking about it, she had no idea how he would react. Would he erupt into a fiery display of emotion? She doubted it. Finn was a clear-thinking, logical lawyer, used to keeping his emotions in check.

‘Everything okay?’

‘Mmm. Yes, fine.’ Ruby flapped a tea towel in front of her face to try and rid the kitchen of the smell of burning and to fan the heat from her glowing cheeks. ‘How would you like your steak cooked?’

Finn widened his deep blue eyes, a bemused smile flickering at the corners of his mouth.

‘Ideally rare, but however it comes is fine by me.’

What made her ask that? She sounded like a disinterested waitress. She knew everything there was to know about Finn, including how he liked his steak cooked.

She’d sat through enough expensive restaurant meals to know what he’d choose from a menu without even asking him. Judging by Finn’s expression, he was as bemused by her question as she was.

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ His hands found her shoulders, his fingertips massaging her tense muscles as his warmly familiar features observed her closely. A shiver ran the length of her body. ‘It’s just that you seem a bit distracted, a bit uptight. We could always go out to eat instead, if you prefer.’

‘No!’ she snapped, extracting herself from his distracting hold. Why did he have to be so goddam reasonable the whole time? It drove her mad. ‘It’s almost done now. Go and sit down. Take the glasses through. I’ll be there in a minute.’

She could do this. She had to do this. She plonked the steaks on the plate. They were more chargrilled now than rare, to match the potatoes and her mood, but they would have to do. She was really past caring about the state of the food.

Chapter Two

Okay. Here goes, Ruby thought. It was now or never.

‘That was delicious.’ Finn smiled, pushing his plate to one side. ‘Let me go and fetch the champagne. I’ve got some news.’

Before Ruby’s mouth had even dropped open to numero uno unflattering pose, Finn was up and out into the kitchen, opening cupboard doors, leaving Ruby wondering how she’d missed her moment. What news could Finn possibly have? Maybe, just maybe, he’d been feeling the same way as her and wanted to call off their engagement. Wouldn’t that be a result? Only Finn wouldn’t be sweating over what to say or how to do it, he would just break open a bottle of finest champagne and announce it in his inimitable style. They’d raise a toast to the time they’d spent together and to their future separate lives and they would vow to stay in touch and remain good friends and there would be no hard feelings between them.

Now she was delving into the realms of fantasy. One thing she was certain of was Finn’s total and all-consuming love for her.

‘News?’ she said weakly, when he returned with the flutes and champagne bottle, the big smile on his face suggesting it was only good news he had to tell.

‘Yes. Owen Richardson called me into his office today.’ A smile lit up his features, his eyes shining with pride. ‘They’ve made me a partner.’

Ruby’s mouth fell open to say something but there was nothing forthcoming. Her mind ran over this shattering news.

‘Really? Oh, my goodness! That’s…that’s…’

Oh, God, no! Not today. Of all days. Was the God of Coincidences conspiring against Ruby to bring Finn the best news he could ever hope for on the day she was planning to give him the worst news he could ever imagine? She couldn’t have planned it worse if she’d tried.

‘That’s amazing,’ she managed, remembering she was still the devoted girlfriend. She forced herself to leap up from the chair and wrap her arms around Finn for a congratulatory hug.

It was amazing. More than amazing when she came to think of it. It was what Finn had been working for all those years, part of the master plan, but neither of them could have expected it to come now, so soon.

‘I know.’ He pulled back from her embrace, holding her at arm’s length, his eyes roaming her face with barely concealed excitement. ‘It’ll make me the youngest partner in the history of the firm. All those things we wanted to do, Ruby, we can do them so much sooner now.’

‘The youngest partner in the history of the firm.’ She shook her head, trying to take in the enormity of the news. ‘Congratulations, Finn. You really do deserve it.’ She forced herself to kiss him lightly on the lips. ‘Have you told your parents?’

‘Not yet. I haven’t told anyone. I wanted you to be the first to know.’ He squeezed her hand. ‘You know how much this means to me. It’s what I’ve been working for the last ten plus years. For it to come now, just before we get married, well, it’s beyond my wildest expectations. This is not just my victory, Ruby, you know that. It’s our victory. Everything I do, everything I work for, it’s for us, our future.’

He handed her a glass of champagne and she raised it briefly to his before downing the whole lot in one go. She loved champagne, loved the way the bubbles tickled her nostrils, loved its restorative effects, but today it went down without even touching the sides. She was already feeling woozy and light-headed, although whether that was from her earlier glasses of wine or the unexpected turn of events she really didn’t know.

Finn observed her amusedly before quickly topping up her glass to the brim.

‘I know. It took me by surprise I can tell you. I was thinking this would come in a couple of years’ time, but Owen reckons I’m ready it for now. He said he wanted to make sure my future stayed firmly with Richardsons. He didn’t want me being poached by another firm.’

‘Wow!’ said Ruby, feeling her cheeks stinging with adrenaline. ‘That is just amazing,’ she swooned. Although thinking about it, it wasn’t really that amazing. Not as far as Finn was concerned.

He’d sailed through grammar school, amassing a collection of A* in all his exams; he’d been captain of both the cricket and rugby teams and played for the county teams too; he was president of the debating society and went on to win a place at Oxford to read law. For the most part, what Finn set his mind to, Finn got. He was one of life’s golden boys. She wouldn’t be surprised if he became an astronaut one day or the Prime Minister or the President of the United States. And she definitely didn’t fancy being wife to any of those people.

She sighed inwardly at the enormity of the task in front of her. Could tonight be the night his halo was about to lose some of its bling?

‘I’ve got news too,’ she blurted out, surprising herself. Her words cut through the atmosphere and hung awkwardly in the air.

‘Really? That’s great.’ Finn’s jaw did a small sideward shift action. ‘Let’s have it, then.’

You see, that was the thing. She never really had news of her own. Well, not the sort of news Finn was used to sharing. The ‘oh, wow, look at me, look what I’ve just done’ kind of news. Her kind of news was of the ‘I went in town and bought this amazing dress, not my usual thing, it was a bit retro, but then I met Laura for lunch and she talked me out of it, said it made me look like someone’s mother so I decided to take it back and I bought this other one. Much more me. Then we went to that new coffee place on High Street and I had a piece of the most amazing carrot cake’ variety. Not really earth-shattering, attention-grabbing type news.

Although in fairness, Finn always managed to deliver his good fortune with a good helping of magnanimity and humility. It just hadn’t occurred to her before. That she’d never been the one with any discernible good news. Looked as if today wasn’t going to be the exception to that rule either.

‘I can’t marry you.’ The words slipped out before she’d really had a chance to decide whether it was a good idea or not.

Silence. A deafening silence.

‘Sorry?’

She’d said it now. She couldn’t unsay it. Couldn’t pretend that really she meant something else entirely.

‘I’m so sorry, Finn, but the thing is I can’t marry you.’

Finn tilted his head to the side, his skin puckering between his eyebrows, his mouth twitching in anticipation of a smile.

‘Hey, where’s this come from? Pre-wedding nerves? It’s understandable.’ He moved across to scoop her into his embrace, but she recoiled from his touch, her body rigid.

‘No, don’t do that.’ She pushed him away with her hands. ‘Please. Sit down. It’s not pre-wedding nerves. It’s nothing like that. It’s just, it’s just…you. I mean us. I mean me. I can’t marry you, because, well, I don’t…love you.’

She said it very quickly and quietly, hoping he’d get the gist but not the detail.

‘It’s as simple as that. Sorry.’

Finn’s face flickered with confusion, his long enviable eyelashes blinking furiously.

‘Sorry?’ His lip actually curled up in disgust.

‘Yes, I’m sorry. About all this. Sorry for what I’ve just said. But that’s the way it is,’ she said, finding a resolve she hadn’t known she possessed. Such an inadequate word, Ruby thought now, as she heard herself babbling away. It didn’t even come close to expressing the guilt and despair and deep, deep sadness she was feeling. She couldn’t look Finn in the eye. Didn’t want to acknowledge the accusation and disbelief she knew she would find there.

‘I don’t understand.’ Finn’s voice was fractured, his expression troubled.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Ruby hadn’t thought beyond telling Finn, hadn’t contemplated having to explain, to justify herself. She’d only thought about breaking the news and then it being over. Hadn’t he read the script? He was meant to go now, but he wasn’t showing any signs of making a move.

He stood up, his long body unfurling slowly. Thank God. Just go, Finn. Just walk out of the door and don’t look back. His strong broad frame suddenly looked much stronger and broader, his unmistakably masculine presence filling every corner of the room. He did one circuit of the table, his movements precise and calculated, his hands clasped together in front of him as though he were about to deliver his summing-up in an important court case.

‘I don’t get it. You don’t love me?’

He said the words as though he’d never heard them before. Certainly not in that order.

‘Help me out here, Ruby.’

He turned to look at her, a fire flaring in his eyes she didn’t recognise.

‘We’re getting married in a couple of months’ time. It’s what we’ve always wanted, isn’t it?’ He shook his head as though he was trying to make sense of it himself. ‘I love you with all my heart.’ He banged on his heart for demonstration purposes, which Ruby thought wasn’t entirely necessary. ‘Everything. I thought you loved me too.’

With his gaze fixed intently upon hers, all she could do was give a small shake of her head, unable to find any better, more suitable words.

‘You don’t love me?’

She shook her head again, not wanting to give him false hope, just wanting him to get the meaning of her message, which clearly he was struggling to understand. She dropped her gaze to the floor, not wanting to see the reproach in his eyes.

‘Jesus, Ruby! How long have you felt like this?’

Even if she couldn’t see his reproach, she could feel it.

‘Oh, great, I see.’ He held up his hand to stop her faltering reply. ‘That’s just fucking marvellous.’

Ruby could barely look as he ran his hands through his hair, his distress all too clear to see in his features. Her stomach tumbled. Even in his despair, he still managed to look breathtakingly handsome. Not appropriate, not now, she chided herself.

‘And you only decide now to tell me. Two months before we’re due to get married. On the day that I’m told I’m being made a partner as well. I have to say your timing’s absolutely fucking brilliant.’

She flinched. Finn didn’t swear, not in front of her at least. His raw aggression was something she’d never witnessed before. His simmering anger was palpable. She wasn’t certain she liked it. At this moment she longed for her sweet, adoring, charming Finn to make a reappearance, but she had a suspicion he’d left the building for good.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Stop saying sorry!’ He gave a dismissive shrug. ‘You’re not sorry!’ He flourished his arm in the air. ‘Have you any idea? I don’t think you can have, Ruby.’ His voice was tight, unrecognisable even. ‘Not to do something like this.’ He paused, the silence and distance between them deafening. ‘Well, I should go,’ he said, looking with regret at the charred remains of their dinner on the table, the charred remains of their relationship haunting the scene. He made for the door, before turning to look at Ruby. ‘If this is what you want, then we’ll need to cancel everything. Let people know. I’ll leave that to you, if you don’t mind.’

‘Yes, sure. I’ll sort it. Don’t worry about that. I’ll deal with everything, tell everybody.’ Ruby’s voice trailed away as she saw the utter defeat and humiliation in his eyes. Oh, no! What had she done? She wanted nothing more than to run to his side and throw her arms around his neck and tell him it had all been a terrible mistake. To rewind to where they’d been only an hour or so ago. Whatever had she been thinking?

He shook his head and stormed out of the front door. Ruby followed him, her heart racing in her chest, her mind throbbing with the enormity of what she’d done. Could she really let Finn walk out of her life for ever?

‘Finn!’ Her heartfelt call came from somewhere deep within her soul, surprising herself and Finn. She had no idea what she wanted to say, she just knew she didn’t want him to leave, not yet.

‘What, Ruby?’ He’d reached the top of the staircase, one hand resting on the polished banister. He turned to look at her, but it was like looking at a stranger. There was a hardness in his eyes that she’d never seen before. Finn, the man she’d known for years and very nearly loved, liked an awful, awful lot actually now she came to think of it, was looking at her as though he hated her with every cell in his body. At that moment she wondered if she hadn’t actually loved him after all.

‘I… What I want to say…’ The words echoed around the communal hallway. ‘Do you want to come back inside? We can talk about it if you like. Work out what it is we’re going to do.’ Even as she said it, she knew it was probably one of the worst ideas she’d ever had.

‘No. Looks to me as though you’ve got it all worked out already, Ruby. I need to go.’

Finn’s hand loosened its grip on the stair rail. His broad frame moved away from her. She saw his foot teetering on the edge of the top step, saw it slip away from him, his leg buckling beneath him, propelling his crumpling figure forwards in an out-of-control somersault motion. She heard his small exclamation of surprise, the whole episode unfurling in painstakingly slow motion. Thump, thump, thump went his body down the stairwell, slowly, in Technicolor clarity until he landed at the bottom of the stairs, his head making a sickening crack on the stone floor.

‘Finn!’ she cried, her terror rooting her to the spot for one God-awful second before a desperate energy filled her veins and she dashed down the stairs to his side. His body was lifeless on the floor, a small pool of blood gathering at the side of his mouth. ‘Oh, God, Finn,’ she whispered, cradling his head in her hands, ‘what have I done?’

Chapter Three

‘What’s his name, love?’

‘Finn. Finn McRae.’ The ambulance arrived within seven minutes, the longest seven minutes of Ruby’s life. A lifetime in which she prayed to each and every conceivable god in the universe that if they would only ensure Finn’s well-being she would never ask for anything ever again. She wouldn’t moan about her lot, she wouldn’t take anybody or anything for granted and she wouldn’t do anything horrible to anyone ever again. Finn especially. She’d spend the rest of her life making it up to Finn, if only she could be given the chance. What she’d thought she didn’t want only a few hours ago, she wanted more now than anything she’d ever wanted in all her life. Finn couldn’t die. He wasn’t allowed to.

‘He will be all right, won’t he?’ she pleaded to the paramedics who were administering to Finn.

‘We’ll get him transferred to hospital where they can take a proper look at him. He’ll need some tests. He looks to have sustained a nasty head injury. Are you his next of kin?’

The man’s words filled Ruby’s heart with terror.

‘Oh, God, no. He’s not going to die, is he? I’m his girlfriend. We’re getting married,’ she said, tears filling her eyes, desperately wanting her words to be true, despite what she’d told Finn earlier. This was all her fault. If she’d never had that stupid conversation with him, then Finn wouldn’t be fighting for his life now. ‘His parents are his next of kin. I should let them know.’

‘Yes.’ The man nodded, directing his attention back to Finn, his cool and calm manner only adding to the deep pit of dread building in Ruby’s stomach. ‘We’ll be going to St Thomas’s,’ he told her as he worked efficiently and quietly with his colleague, transferring Finn’s body onto the stretcher, the small crowd of neighbours who’d gathered watching in stunned supportive silence as the paramedics manoeuvred Finn’s body down the remaining flights of stairs.

‘If you come with us in the ambulance, then you can let us have Finn’s details. Tell us exactly what happened.’

‘Yes, yes, of course. I’ll phone his mum on the way.’

***

‘Ruby, darling! How is he?’

Seeing Jan and Gerry dash into ICU, their concerned faces looking towards Ruby for an explanation, brought to the surface the emotion she’d been trying to contain ever since Finn’s accident.

‘Oh, Jan, I don’t know.’ She fell into the older woman’s embrace, feeling the tears running down her cheeks. ‘He’s just come back from a scan. The doctors are in with him now. Do you want to go in?’

‘Mr and Mrs McRae?’ The young doctor turned to greet them, a neutral expression on her face. Ruby shuffled in behind them. ‘I’m Dr Anderson, the senior ITU consultant. We’ve just had the results of Finn’s MRI and CT scans back. He would appear not to have suffered any fractures in his body, just heavy bruising. What we are more concerned about though is the head injury he has sustained. The scan shows some heavy swelling and bruising.’

Jan gasped, looking at Gerry, who took hold of her arm urgently.

‘What does that mean? What are the implications?’ he asked.

‘It’s too early to say. We won’t know the extent of the damage until the swelling has subsided and so, I’m afraid, at the moment, it’s a “wait-and-see” scenario. Finn will be transferred to the neurological department where they can keep a closer eye on him and run further tests.’

‘When do you think he’ll wake up?’ asked Ruby in a small voice.

‘Again it’s a bit too soon to say. For the moment, he’ll be kept in an induced coma and closely monitored. Obviously as soon as there’s any change in Finn’s condition then we’ll let you know immediately.’

‘He will be all right, won’t he? Eventually, I mean.’

‘We’ll do everything we can,’ she said, with a tight smile, which did nothing to allay Ruby’s fears. The doctor’s unsaid words were so much more potent and chilling than anything she’d actually said. ‘You’ll be able to stay with Finn, of course, but just be aware it’s going to be a little while yet before we know any more information about Finn’s condition.’

When the doctor left the room Gerry gathered the two tearful women close in a hug. Ruby fell onto the big man’s chest. She loved Finn’s parents; they were the only real family she had now. Gerry was just like his son: big, strong and capable, the type of man who could make any situation right. As Finn could. Only this was a situation out of all their control. Gerry leaned backwards, his moistened eyes looking from his wife to Ruby, his hands gently squeezing each of their shoulders in a gesture of encouragement.

‘Now, come on, you two. You heard what the doctor said. It’s early days yet. We need to be strong for Finn. He’s going to need us when he wakes up and he will wake up, I have no doubt about that. This is a setback, but Finn’s a fighter. We all know that. He never does anything by halves, that’s for sure,’ he said, shaking his head and smiling ruefully.

Jan sniffed back her tears and rubbed her eyes with the backs of her hands.

‘How did it happen, Ruby?’

She sighed, a huge swell of emotion filling every pore of her body. She didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to be reminded of those awful events.

‘I don’t know. It all happened so quickly. We’d had dinner together. Finn had just left—he was on his way home. He turned to say something to me at the top of the stairs and then I think he must have lost his footing. It was awful. He just fell down the stairs.’

It was a version of the truth, her version of the truth, but she knew it didn’t come close to explaining to Finn’s parents what had really happened. The guilt she felt threatened to swamp her.

She couldn’t tell them the truth. Not now. Not here. Not when Finn was fighting for his life in the next-door room. If they knew what really had happened, that Finn’s perilous condition was down to her callous and selfish behaviour, then they might tell her to leave. They’d be perfectly within their rights to. It was nothing less than she deserved, but she didn’t want that to happen.

Finn needed her. He might have hated her the moment he’d walked out of her flat door, but neither of them could have foreseen the tragic set of circumstances that had been about to unfold. As far as she was concerned, that awful toe-curling, cringe-inducing conversation with Finn had never happened. There was absolutely no need to mention it to Jan and Gerry.

‘Gosh, darling. And you saw it all? You poor thing.’ Jan squeezed her even tighter, and Ruby suddenly found the room short of air. Her breath came in short gasps; her body shuddered as the tears she’d been suppressing bubbled to the surface.

‘It’s all my fault!’

‘What? How can it be your fault, Ruby? I don’t understand.’

‘If Finn hadn’t come round tonight then none of this would ever have happened.’ Her words were lost in a torrent of sobs. ‘I am so sorry. I really didn’t want for any of this. I never meant…’

‘Of course you didn’t.’ Jan put an arm around Ruby’s shoulders, patting her on the hand in a reassuring manner, putting a halt to Ruby’s faltering explanation.

‘None of this is your fault, Ruby. It’s just one of those things. A twist of fate. A freak accident.’

They both turned to look at Finn’s body on the bed, the plethora of equipment around him a constant beeping reminder that it was the only thing keeping him alive. But for how long? Would Finn ever wake up and be the same man she’d known and adored? She sighed, her gaze travelling out of the small window overlooking the city.

‘There’s no point blaming yourself,’ Jan went on. ‘Finn wouldn’t want that. He’ll tell you that just as soon as he’s back with us. You’ll see.’

Would he? wondered Ruby. She was probably the last person in the world Finn would want to see when he woke up. The expression on his face when he’d turned to look at her just before his fateful fall, a look that was now etched on her mind, suggested that he didn’t want to have anything to do with her ever again.

‘I’ll stay with him tonight, if that’s all right? I’d like to be there when he wakes up.’

‘Of course. You can stay as long as you like. I expect we’ll be here too.’ Gerry laid his hand on her shoulder. ‘But you heard what the doctor said. I have a suspicion that it could be a little while before Finn comes round. We might want to take turns at Finn’s bedside for a few days at least. Why don’t you get home, Ruby, and try and get some rest? We can phone you if there’s any change in his condition.’

‘I don’t want to leave him. What if…?’ Her words trailed away, not wanting to voice the terror of her fears that had been playing over and over in her mind.

‘I know you don’t, but honestly there’s nothing you can do here.’ Gerry’s tone was warmly reassuring. She could imagine Finn saying the same thing if he were here in Gerry’s place. What wouldn’t she give to have Finn at her side now, offering his usual, solid presence?

‘Look, we’ll stay with him tonight. And we promise, if there’s even the slightest change, we’ll give you a call. Why don’t you come back in the morning and do the day shift? You’ve had a tough couple of hours. You look as though you could do with catching up on your sleep.’ He stroked her cheek tenderly and she felt her eyes fill with tears again.

Now he mentioned it, Ruby realised how utterly exhausted she felt. She looked down at Finn, her heart filling with sadness. He looked beautiful. If it weren’t for all the tubes and the unfamiliar surroundings, she could just imagine that he was lying in her double bed, sleeping in on one of their lazy weekend mornings. She suppressed a sigh. Whatever happened to Finn now, she knew there’d be no more of those special mornings; her actions tonight had put paid to that, one way or the other.

‘You promise you’ll call me?’

‘Of course we will.’ Gerry took hold of her hand with one of his, and slipped his other hand into his wife’s palm, gently squeezing their fingers in a show of strength and unity. She knew they must both be experiencing the same sense of fear and desolation that she was feeling. Finn was their only child. The light in their lives. If that light were to go out, Ruby knew there’d only be one person to blame. Even if they could ever find it in their hearts to forgive her, she knew she’d never be able to forgive herself.

Chapter Four

Ruby climbed out of the taxi, paid the driver and stood looking up at her block of flats, contemplating for a moment at how unremarkable the building appeared. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but she hadn’t been prepared for how normal everything looked after what had been an earth-shattering event to Ruby. Why hadn’t the bricks crumbled? Why were the lights still shining inside? How come people were still going about their business as though none of this had ever happened? Ruby’s life had spun on its axis, yet life seemed to be going on as normal for everyone else.

‘Ru-bee!’ The shriek came from across the other side of the road and Ruby turned to see Laura waving, running towards her, a big smile on her face. ‘Hi, darling, where have you been? I’ve been knocking on your door for the last ten minutes and you’ve not been picking up your mobile. I was getting worried. Thought you might have bottled out again and disappeared into the sunset with Finn.’ Laura’s sunny expression clouded as soon as she got close to Ruby. ‘Oh, God, you look like death! What’s the matter? What’s happened? Did it not go well?’

‘No, Laura. It didn’t go well. It was awful, just awful.’

Ruby was shaking now, her teeth chattering, her whole body finally giving into the enormity of what had happened.

‘Crikey, look at you,’ said Laura, taking her jacket off and placing it round Ruby’s shoulders. ‘You’re shivering. Let’s get you inside and you can tell me all about it.’

‘I can imagine how bad it was.’ Laura steered her through the double doors of the apartment block out of the cold. ‘But at least you’ve done it now. It was never going to be easy, but you’ll feel better about it after a good night’s sleep. Honestly, you will.’

She had no idea, thought Ruby. No idea, whatsoever. At the moment she couldn’t imagine a time when she would ever feel better about it. She wasn’t sure she could even face telling Laura what had happened, having to go over all the gory details for another time. They walked together up the three flights of stairs, with Ruby trying to eradicate on one side the soothing words coming from her worried friend and, on the other side, the images tormenting her mind of Finn’s helpless body tumbling down the stairs. Breathless and heady when she reached her flat, she fumbled with the key in her door, desperate to get inside and away from the unwelcome reminders in the hallway.

She fell into the flat followed by Laura, who Ruby knew was doing her best not to bombard Ruby with a dozen questions.

As soon as she was inside Ruby’s legs gave way beneath her and she leant against the nearest wall for support, her body slinking down to the floor. All the anger and energy she’d been holding onto flooded out in a tumble of tears.

Laura crouched down onto her haunches beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

‘Come on, Ruby. You can’t sit here. Come through into the living room. I’ll make you a cup of tea. Have you had anything to eat?’

Ruby rolled her eyes in the direction of the dinner table.

‘Oh, yes, of course. I’d forgotten about that. Well, maybe a coffee, then,’ she said, clocking the empty wine bottles.

Ruby fell onto the sofa, dropping her head onto a cushion and drawing her knees up to her chin. She stayed in that position for a few minutes before Laura reappeared with the coffees and a plate of biscuits. Unfortunately, heartbreak had never put Ruby off her food, only causing the opposite effect, and she eagerly helped herself to a Hobnob.

‘So, come on, then. Do you want to tell me what happened?’

Through tears Ruby told her the sequence of events. Hearing her own words and seeing Laura’s horrified expression at the unfolding of the story, she still could hardly believe it herself. It had gone from an almost romantic dinner à deux to Finn fighting for his life within a few moments.

‘I can’t believe it.’ Laura buried her head in her hands. ‘Not Finn. It doesn’t seem possible. What did the doctors say?’

‘He’s in a coma. They’re not sure of the extent of the damage he’s done to his brain. They won’t know that until he wakes up. If he wakes up…’

Laura visibly flinched before jumping up from her seat and throwing her arms round Ruby in a bear-crushing hug. ‘Of course, he’ll wake up. We have to be positive about this. He’s a fit, strong man. He’s had a nasty fall, that’s all. A couple of days and he’ll be sitting up in bed charming the socks off all the nurses.’

‘I don’t know,’ sighed Ruby, at last voicing the fear that had been residing in her heart ever since Finn had landed in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs. ‘I’m not sure I share your confidence. The doctors were very cagey about his prognosis. This is all my fault, you know that.’

‘Don’t be silly.’ Laura delved into her jacket pocket and pulled out a grotty used tissue, using it to mop the tears from Ruby’s eyes.

‘You mustn’t blame yourself. You weren’t to know this would happen. Honestly, Ruby, you have nothing to feel guilty about.’

‘I do blame myself though. Wouldn’t you know, the day I choose to tell him we’re finished is the day he’s offered a partnership at his firm?’

‘Really?’ Laura grimaced. ‘Oh, no!’

‘I know. I don’t know what I was thinking. I should never have done it.’ She fell silent for a moment before casting her gaze at Laura. ‘I wish you hadn’t talked me into doing it.’

‘Woah, wait a minute!’ Laura sat up straight on the sofa, pulled her shoulders back and turned to face Ruby. ‘I’m really sorry for what’s happened to Finn, but don’t you dare go laying the blame on me. I didn’t ask you to do it. This is what you wanted, Ruby. Or have you forgotten that? What about all those late-night conversations we had? About whether or not Finn was the one. I think you came to the pretty decisive conclusion that he wasn’t.’

‘I know, I know.’ She tipped her head back against the sofa, exasperation colouring her words. ‘I’m sorry, but I think I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life. The last thing I wanted was for Finn to be hurt like this. I know it sounds stupid, but I didn’t think he’d be that upset. Finn’s not the type of man to be on his own for long. I thought he’d walk away, nursing his wounded pride, and then a few months down the line he’d meet another lawyer type, someone he could live out his happy ever after with. Now not only have I given him a broken heart, he’s got a broken head too.’

Laura’s mouth twisted in a smile.

‘Look, it’s happened and all the talking in the world isn’t going to change that. You’re just going to have to deal with the here and now, both of you.’

Ruby sighed, her bones aching with exhaustion, her skin now free of the make-up she’d applied earlier, all the tears she’d shed having wiped her face clean. Her eyelids closed involuntarily, but immediately her mind was flooded by thoughts of Finn’s accident. Her eyes pinged open again; she didn’t want to face those images yet. She felt a warm surge of gratitude that Laura was here, looking at her fondly.

‘You look lovely,’ she said, noticing for the first time that Laura was wearing a floral floaty dress and only just realising the significance of such a rare event. ‘Oh, my goodness, your date! How did it go?’

Laura shrugged and rolled her eyes heavenwards.

‘It was a disaster. Yep, I know, another one. I’m coming to expect nothing less.’

‘Really? I thought you had high hopes for…what was his name…Max?’

She nodded.

‘I did, but I didn’t like him.’ She shuddered and pulled a face. ‘He did this weird thing of talking in different voices. He would just change accent mid-conversation. It was part of his act apparently, but over a get-to-know-you drink it was all a bit odd. It was as though he had multiple-personality disorder.’

‘Blimey. I guess there are some strange people out there.’

‘I know! And I think I’ve dated most of them now.’ She sighed and stretched her arms out in front of her. ‘Still, I reckon my luck has to change soon.’

‘Too true. Mr Perfect will be out there waiting for you somewhere.’

‘You reckon? Well, I really hope it doesn’t take too long to find him. I’m getting a bit fed up now with the dating lark. Having to look lovely and be scintillating company each night gets a bit wearing after a while. Although sometimes I wonder why I bother. It’s not as though my dates go to the same amount of trouble.’ She gave a rueful smile, looking across at Ruby. ‘Funny to think I’m putting all this time and effort into finding my Mr Perfect and you’ve been doing your best to get rid of yours.’

‘You make it sound as though I’ve been deliberately trying to finish Finn off.’

Laura quirked an eyebrow and pursed her lips together in a look of mischievousness.

‘Well, I did wonder if you pushed him down those stairs.’

‘Laura! That’s a terrible thing to say!’

‘I’m only teasing you. Finn will be all right, I’m sure of it.’

Ruby sighed, wishing she could share in Laura’s positivity.

‘Do you really think so? But what if he’s not all right, Laura? What if he dies? Or if he stays in a coma for the rest of his life? If he does wake up he might be brain damaged and need twenty-four-hour care.’ She scrunched the hair at her temples between her fingers. ‘Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? To think that I’m the one responsible for Finn’s condition. It’s horrible. No, whatever happens now, I’m determined to stand by Finn. To see him through all this. I owe him that much at least.’

‘Oh, God! I hadn’t thought of that.’ Now it was Laura’s turn to sigh dramatically. ‘Wouldn’t that be an awful twist of fate? To think that you finally get round to dumping your boyfriend only then to be chained to him for an entire lifetime because of a freak accident that leaves you feeling indebted to him out of a sense of guilt.’ She shuddered exaggeratedly. ‘It’s like the plotline of a Hollywood blockbuster!’

‘Would you just stop it, Laura? You’re not helping—you’re not helping at all. This is my life we’re talking about here. Not a film. And this morning, apart from the small matter of having to dump my boyfriend, my life was looking pretty damn good and now in the space of a few hours it’s all crumbled around me. If Finn doesn’t wake up, I don’t know how I’ll ever live with myself.’

‘Look, obviously that’s the worst-case scenario,’ said Laura, trying to drag Ruby out of the pit of despair she’d helped to create. ‘It probably won’t come to that. And besides now is not the time to make any rash decisions. He’ll probably come round in a few days’ time, if not sooner, probably tomorrow, I bet, and then everything will be fine again. Everything will be back to normal.’

‘Yes,’ said Ruby, nodding her head maniacally as though if she did that enough times it might actually make it come true.

‘Yes,’ said Laura, joining her in the nodding frenzy. ‘Everything will be absolutely fine.’

They both did more of the nodding thing, although neither of the girls were doing a good job of convincing the other that they actually believed any of it.

Chapter Five

‘Hello!’ The next morning Ruby eased open the door of Finn’s room, her heart pounding in her chest, desperate to see him and yet not really wanting to find out what was waiting for her on the other side.

She’d fallen asleep almost immediately last night after Laura had put her into bed, but she’d awoken again three hours later and had spent the rest of the night tossing and turning, the memory of Finn’s body tumbling down the stairs playing over and over in her mind. She’d thought about getting up and making a cup of tea, but she hadn’t wanted to disturb Laura, who’d insisted on staying over and was sleeping on the sofa.

Now, though, her lack of sleep was firing her veins, the surroundings of the hospital seeming reassuring and terrifying in equal measure.

‘Hello, love.’ Gerry stirred in the armchair next to Finn’s bed, when Ruby entered the room. His eyes, the same deep searching blue eyes as his son’s, flickered open. ‘I think I must have nodded off.’

‘Where’s Jan?’ Ruby asked, looking around and lowering her voice as though she didn’t want to wake Finn when in fact she longed for the very opposite.

‘I told her to go home. To make some phone calls and then to get some rest. There’s no point in us both sitting here staring morosely at Finn. She’s going to come in this evening and stay overnight.’

‘Oh, okay. Has there been any change?’ She looked at Finn, already knowing the answer.

Gerry shook his head and gave a wry smile.

‘I don’t really expect there to be yet. Perhaps we’ll find out more today.’ He stood up, stretching his arms above his head. ‘What about you? Did you manage to get any sleep?’

‘A little, although I kept waking up thinking about the accident. You just wonder, don’t you? If only Finn hadn’t come round last night or if we’d met in a restaurant instead of at the flat or if he’d left just a little bit earlier or a little bit later, then maybe none of this would ever have happened.’

‘Don’t torment yourself over it, Ruby. This really isn’t your fault. It’s just one of those things. And we can’t change what’s happened. We just have to deal with the here and now.’

‘Yes, of course.’ She didn’t expect anything else other than Gerry’s positivity. Like Finn, he wasn’t one for soul-searching or navel-gazing, he just dealt in plain facts, but she wondered whether in the dark of the night, alone with his only son, he’d entertained any of the terrifying thoughts that she’d been wrestling.

‘Come on, come here and give me a hug.’ He held out his hands to her and she gladly walked into the safety of his embrace. She rested her head on his chest, imagining that his solid, firm body belonged to Finn.

‘He will be all right, won’t he, Gerry?’

‘Hey!’ He pulled back from their embrace, his hands resting on her upper arms, the sincerity in his eyes shining through. ‘Are you kidding? Of course, he’s going to be all right. He has to be. I’ve always had an instinct as far as Finn is concerned and every instinct in my body is telling me that he’s going to pull through this. Whatever Finn has to face in the coming days and weeks, we’ll be there to help him through it, won’t we?’

Ruby nodded mutely, that familiar gnawing sensation of guilt stirring in her stomach. Should she tell him? Wouldn’t this be the ideal opportunity, alone with Finn’s father, to tell him how she’d invited his son over for one reason alone: to give him the news that she didn’t want to marry him any more? She should let him know that Finn hadn’t left her flat in a good frame of mind, but had been barely keeping a lid on his anger when he’d strode away from her front door. His mind had been distracted when he’d taken that fateful first step down the stairs that sent him crashing to the floor. Didn’t Gerry and Jan have a right to know all that?

She thought they probably did, but they were suffering enough as it was. Offloading her guilty secret to them would only make them feel a lot worse and cause a huge amount of additional tension that she really couldn’t face at the moment. No, it would need to remain her little secret for the time being. She sighed, burying herself back into the warmth of Gerry’s jumper, closing her eyes, wishing she could stay there for ever. Wishing that when she opened her eyes again she could return to being the favoured future daughter-in-law and not the evil ex-girlfriend she now found herself cast as.

She looked up into Gerry’s eyes.

‘Yeah.’ She bit on her lip to stop the tears that were gathering in her eyes from falling. ‘He’s going to be okay and we’re all going to be there for him when he wakes up.’

He nodded reassuringly and she wondered if she didn’t notice a moistening in his eyes too.

‘I’ll go and grab you a coffee before I go. I hope you’ve brought a paper or a book to read. I think you might be in for a long day.’

***

Ruby had actually come well prepared. She’d brought along a book and a paper to read, some knitting—a jumper for Finn—and a drawing pad and some pencils in case she suddenly found the urge, but it became apparent, within minutes of Gerry leaving, that she had neither the inclination or the concentration to do any of those things. Instead her gaze travelled around the hospital room fixing all the details in her mind. The small window with the floral curtains, the empty vase, the bedside cabinet with the jug of squash, the small sink, the hand sanitiser, the tubes and machinery with their oddly distracting flashing lights, all the numbers tormenting her with the numerous possibilities of their meanings. They, and the constant visits from the nurses and doctors, all conspired to add to the low-level anxiety that permeated the room. Well, if Ruby was being honest, her anxiety levels were sky-high, but she was doing a good job of trying to keep a lid on them.

Finn, obviously, oblivious to her and the surroundings, was at the centre of the picture rapidly filling her head. He looked every inch the man she’d spent the last ten years with only different. His features had lost their sharp definition, his skin was pale, offering an almost ethereal look, and the beginnings of a shadowy stubble crept over his distinctive jawline. For someone so vital and dynamic, the complete absence of his core essence was eerie and unsettling. His body was there, but his spirit was missing in action. She wanted to grab his arm and shake him awake. To tell him to stop playing silly buggers. To see his eyes ping open, but she knew it wasn’t going to happen. Instead she lifted up his hand, her fingers caressing his strong wide knuckles, her thumb making small circular motions on the back of his tanned hand.

‘Hi, Finn. I wonder if you can hear me. The doctors said we should talk to you so I’m hoping that you might. Did you know, your hearing is the last of the senses to go? One of the nurses told me that. I bet you already knew that though. That’s one of the things I’ve always loved about you, Finn. That you know everything. Or at least you seem to. All those things I had no clue about you were able to put me straight on. I liked that.

‘Not that I think you’re going anywhere, obviously.’ She laughed aloud nervously. ‘We’re all just waiting for you to wake up and I’m being my usual impatient self and wanting you to do it now. Right this minute now. Go on.’

She clicked her fingers before letting out a heavy sigh, staring at his resolutely closed eyelids. His long thick dark eyelashes, which Ruby had always felt so envious of, fanned onto his cheek.

‘No. Well, don’t take too long about it, Finn. I want you back here with me so we can talk. We didn’t really get to talk last night, did we? And I wish we had. I want to explain to you why I dump…decided to end our relationship. I felt terrible when you asked me if I’d ever loved you. It seemed as though I’d never cared for you, which isn’t the case at all. I adored you. I adore you still, you know that. We had so many good times together and you became my very best friend, but I suppose I’ve always felt…I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, but I’ve always felt that I wasn’t quite enough for you. And I’m not sure why I’ve felt like that because I know you’ve only ever shown me complete love and affection. I know this is a cliché and you would probably have laughed in my face if I’d told you, but I honestly believe this is more about me and the way I’m feeling rather than having anything to do with you, Finn.

‘You have to admit I’ve always been hanging onto your coat-tails a bit. I didn’t mind being “the wind beneath your wings” but I wonder if you haven’t sometimes got a bit fed up of me, always being there, hanging onto your every word like an adoring puppy. I know you’ve never said anything to that effect, but I did wonder if there might not come a time when you would tire of my constant presence. Whether I might hold you back from reaching those amazing heights you’re destined to reach. I’m sure people must look at us and think “wow, how did those two ever get together?” I mean, I sometimes think it myself. How did we ever get together in the first place? I just don’t know. You were always so driven, ambitious and focused and I…well, I wasn’t. You could have had the pick of any one of the girls from my school, but you chose me instead. I was the envy of all my friends, suddenly I’d become valid in their eyes, but I must admit I was as bemused as they were by your interest in me. I sort of went along for the ride, not thinking it would last the week out let alone that we’d still be together ten years later. And I think that’s probably characterised our relationship. I’ve been swept along on that wave. I’m not saying it hasn’t been fun—it has! We’ve had some amazing times together but as ridiculous as it may sound I’ve not felt as though I made a conscious decision to be part of this relationship.’

Ruby sighed and ran her hands through her hair. She edged forward on her chair, her hand feeling for the outline of Finn’s body beneath the sheet.

‘Does that make any sense whatsoever to you, Finn? Probably not. It doesn’t make much sense to me either. It’s just that I feel as though I’m not living my own life. How can I explain? It feels like I’m living my life solely as Finn’s girlfriend and soon to be Finn’s wife and that whole thing, that role as your other half, seems to have subsumed me completely. It’s left me almost gasping for breath, wanting to break free, and that means inevitably breaking free from you, yes, but more than that it’s a need to get away from the whole situation. I have to do this. To reconnect with myself somehow and work out what it is I actually want from my life. Of course I’m worried. Worried that I’m doing the wrong thing, that I might be on the brink of making the biggest mistake of my life.’

She stroked the length of his arm lovingly, scanning his face for any sign, however tiny, that he might be hearing her words, understanding her meaning, but there was nothing.

‘Oh, hell,’ she cried, squeezing his hand even tighter. ‘What am I talking about? I’ve already done it, haven’t I? Last night now seems like the biggest mistake of my life. This wasn’t what I wanted, not at all, and now the thought of losing you from my life for ever is absolutely destroying me. I couldn’t bear it, Finn. You’re my friend and whatever else happens between us, I hope we’ll always be able to remain friends. So you see, Finn, you have to wake up. You simply have to. For me, for you, for everyone’s sake. Most importantly, you have to do it for your mum and dad. You are their life and if anything was to happen to you then I’m not sure how…’ Her words trailed away on a sigh.

‘And think of all your friends and all your colleagues at the firm. You’re a partner now, Finn! Remember? It’s what you’ve always wanted. You can’t not get better because the people of London need you to fight on their behalf against all the injustices of this world. Yes! What will happen to them if you’re not around to take up their causes?’

Ruby let go of Finn’s hand gently and stood up. She arched her back and stretched her arms above her head before wandering over to the little window that overlooked a service bay at the back of the hospital. She peered outside and her heart sank even lower. It wasn’t a cheering view and the grey April morning only added to her sense of desolation and hopelessness. Would there ever be a life for her and Finn outside the confines of the depressing hospital room, she wondered, or had their lives been irrevocably changed for ever? She turned to look at Finn lying helplessly on the bed and felt a surge of longing and regret. Whatever her personal feelings for Finn, whatever had happened between them, she realised she needed to be strong for him. She couldn’t afford to be pessimistic or negative about Finn’s chances. If she didn’t believe in him and his ability to overcome this setback then what chance did he have? In her place she knew he would have remained resolutely positive. To the end. She rushed back to his side, grabbing hold of his hand again.

‘It is going to be all right, you know that, don’t you, Finn?’ She coughed, trying to clear her throat of the wobble threatening to overcome her. ‘Everything will work out in the end, I’m sure.’ She took a deep breath getting her emotions in check. ‘You’ll get better and you’ll go back to work and everything will be as it was. Well, almost everything. Because things change, obviously. Life moves on, but what I’m trying to say is that things will get back to some sort of normality. This is just a blip. Well, quite a big blip actually, but we will get over it together.

‘Do you know, your mum and dad don’t know yet about you being made a partner? Can you imagine how made up they’re going to be? I’ll tell them when I get the chance. Obviously at the moment the most important thing is getting you well again and that’s what’s occupying all of our minds. I won’t tell them about us, what happened the other night. It doesn’t seem relevant now. I’m not being deliberately evasive but I can’t see it achieving anything. Can you? Not for the moment at least. I want to see you through this, Finn. Get you well again. What is important is your recovery and that’s all you need to concentrate on. Will you do that for me, Finn?’

She squeezed his hand tight, bending down to leave a gentle fleeting kiss on his cheek.

‘Don’t worry about anything. Your job, your flat, me or the wedding. It will all still be here when you wake up. Let your parents and me sort all that stuff out for now and once you’re better that’s when we can make plans…’

Her voice trailed away. She knew instinctively there would be no going back for her and Finn. He dealt in absolutes. And the fact that she’d played her cards now, told Finn in no uncertain terms that she didn’t love him and had never loved him, would have left Finn in no doubt as to his future with Ruby. There could be none. She’d known by the hard look in his eyes, the resolute set to his jaw, as he’d ruminated over what she’d told him, that the bond between them had been well and truly shattered.

Maybe they could stay friends, she thought, as a surge of desperation filled her chest, threatening to stifle her breathing. She ran her fingers along the length of his arm. Now it seemed more important to her than ever that she didn’t lose Finn from her life.

‘Look, Finn,’ she pleaded, bending over his bed to whisper in his ear, sounding as desperate as she felt. ‘Just wake up, will you? I promise, we can work everything out. Please don’t leave me. Not now. Not like this. Just wake up. Would you do that for me, please, Finn?’

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