A marriage worth fighting for

Obstetrician Nick Jarvis and midwife Liv had the perfect marriage—until not conceiving the baby they ached for tore them apart.

But separation has only compounded how much they need each other, and now they’re working together again, delivering babies every day! It could be their chance to rekindle their relationship, but only if they can rediscover the sheer joy of loving—the one thing that will make their marriage whole and give them the courage to try for a baby again.

Dear Reader,

I felt moved to write this book to try and understand the rollercoaster of emotions that is infertility. My daughters are of an age when they and their friends are having families, and it seems that for quite a few of them the road is far from straightforward.

What do they go through? How do they feel? How on earth do they cope with the endless setbacks, the inevitable despair that every failed attempt at pregnancy must give rise to? And when it takes its toll—as it often must—what then?

For Nick and Liv, with a brilliant marriage and so much love to share, working in the business of babies means they are constantly surrounded by the ‘success’ of others whilst they are ‘failing’. And they do what many couples seem to do: they stop communicating, withdraw into themselves and in doing so destroy their marriage.

Do they miss each other? Yes. Do they miss the endless rounds of hope and despair? Not at all. And that’s the stumbling block. They aren’t happy apart, but they weren’t happy together.

So what now? I had to get them back together and throw them headlong into a situation where they have no choice but to talk. Enter fate—me playing God again and then sitting back and waiting for them to work it out.But it wasn’t easy for any of us.

Did I succeed? I hope so. I’ll let you be the judge...

Caroline x

The Midwife’s Longed-For Baby

Caroline Anderson

www.millsandboon.co.uk

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Books by Caroline Anderson

Mills & Boon Medical Romance

Yoxburgh Park Hospital

Their Meant-to-Be Baby

From Christmas to Eternity

The Secret in His Heart

Risk of a Lifetime

Mills & Boon Cherish

The Valtieri Baby

Snowed in with the Billionaire

Best Friend to Wife and Mother?

Visit the Author Profile page

at millsandboon.co.uk for more titles.

For all those whose infertility stories have

touched my heart, and for the very many more whose

stories I have never heard but who are themselves

travelling this emotionally challenging road

with courage. My heart aches for you.

Contents

Cover

Back Cover Text

Dear Reader

Title Page

Booklist

Dedication

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

EPILOGUE

Extract

Copyright

CHAPTER ONE

‘LIV, HAVE YOU got a minute?’

She hesitated, about to say no, but Ben wasn’t one to waste time and if he wanted to talk to her...

‘If it really is only that? I need to check on a mum soon.’

‘That’s fine, it won’t take long. I just want to run something by you. Can we go in my office?’

His office?

‘Is this about Jen?’ she asked as Ben closed the door.

The fleeting smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. ‘In a way. Did you know she’s got cancer?’

‘Yes, Simon told me yesterday. I was gutted. She’s such a lovely person and it seems so unfair. He said they’re moving home so their families can help with the children while she’s having treatment. So what is it you want me to do?’ she asked, thinking flowers, a gift voucher, something for the kids—

‘Nothing, but what I do could affect you, because yesterday was Simon’s last day and his compassionate leave’s pretty open-ended so we need a locum, and I’d like to talk to Nick about it.’

‘Nick?’

Of all the things he’d been going to say, her ex husband’s name was so far down the list it wasn’t even on it, and just the sound of his name made her heart beat faster. And he wasn’t officially ex, because she’d never quite been able to follow through on that—

‘Are you still in touch?’

Ben nodded. ‘Yes, we’re in touch. I speak to him quite often. He always asks about you,’ he added gently.

Her heart lurched. ‘Does he? How is he?’ she asked, trying not to sound too needy and failing hopelessly.

‘He’s OK. He’s well, keeps himself busy.’ He frowned, hesitating, then went on, ‘I know it’s none of my business, Liv, and I’m not asking any questions, but I was really sorry when you two split up.’

She felt her eyes fill and blinked as she looked away. ‘Me, too, but it wasn’t working.’ Any more than this was, this awful aching emptiness where her love for Nick had been...

‘I know. I could see there was something wrong, so I wasn’t surprised, just saddened for you both. Look, don’t worry about it. I’ll try and get someone else. I only thought of him because he’d be perfect for the job, but I don’t want to make things difficult for you—for either of you, really.’

The shock had worn off now, swamped by a tidal wave of mixed emotions that she couldn’t quite work out. Longing? Dread? She didn’t have a clue. Both, maybe, but confusion was fighting its way to the top of the pile.

‘I don’t understand how he could do it anyway. Doesn’t he have a job?’

He must have. He was paying the mortgage on their house—

‘Not any more, as far as I know. His existing locum post’s about to come to an end and I haven’t heard that he’s got anything else lined up so I wanted to get in soon if we were to stand a chance, but it’s probably too late anyway.’

He was locuming? He’d been made a consultant at Yoxburgh Park Hospital a few months before they’d split up. How had he ended up working as a locum? Although it was only a year ago since he’d left. Maybe nothing had come up, nothing as good anyway. Nothing that would do him justice...

‘Can I think about it? Before you ask him, or get anyone else. It’s just—it’s the last thing I expected you to say and I can’t quite get my head round it.’

‘I know, I can see that. And I realise you might need to talk to him first.’

No way. She hadn’t spoken to him since that horrible day that she’d regretted ever since, but this wasn’t the time or the way to do it. She shook her head. ‘No, I don’t need to do that. How long can I have?’

Ben shrugged. ‘The rest of the morning? I’m sorry, I know it isn’t long, but if you think you can deal with it I really don’t want to hang about in case we lose him. It’s right up his street—mostly obstetrics, but there’s some of the fertility clinic work as well, which is why I thought of him.’

That stopped her mind in its tracks, and she felt her jaw drop. She just couldn’t picture him in a fertility clinic, of all the ironic places, but of course Simon’s job partly involved it.

‘I didn’t realise he knew anything at all about infertility.’

Apart from their own, but she wasn’t saying that to Ben.

‘Yes, that’s one of the reasons why we want him, because of Simon’s role here. Plus he’s a damn good obstetrician, of course, but he’s a perfect fit. He’s been running the fertility clinic in his hospital since last May, and it shuts any day now.’

Her heart was beating so fast she could feel it thudding against her ribs. Of all the things for him to do, running a fertility clinic was so out of left field she’d never have seen it coming. Why would he choose to punish himself in that way? Unless he’d had no choice. Had he been driven to it just to earn a living? Her guilt over the mortgage ramped up a notch.

‘I had no idea,’ she said numbly. She took another moment, letting it all sink in a little, and then took a deep breath and made a decision she just hoped she didn’t regret.

‘Talk to him, Ben. Ask him if he’s interested. If he is—well, I’m sure we can be civilised about it.’

‘Are you sure? I realise it’s a big decision for you.’

‘But it isn’t really mine to make. It’s yours, and his, and if he’s the right man for the job, who am I to stand in the way? And anyway, it’s not permanent. Ask him, Ben. Just keep me in the loop, OK? I don’t want any surprises.’

‘Of course I will.’ He opened the door and stared down thoughtfully into her eyes. ‘Thank you, Liv. I do appreciate it and I know it can’t be easy for you.’

Did he? She wondered how much he knew about their break-up, about the why and the how. Had Nick spoken to him about it? Surely not. If there was one thing her marriage had taught her, it was that Nick didn’t talk about his feelings. Not to her, and certainly not to his boss.

She found a smile from somewhere. ‘You’re welcome. Just let me know his reaction.’

‘I will.’

* * *

‘Nick? It’s Ben Walker. Are you OK to talk? I want to ask you something.’

‘Yeah, sure. What d’you want to know?’ he asked.

‘Nothing. I’m headhunting you. I know your clinic’s shutting any time now, and we need a full-time locum consultant to cover Obs and Gynae and some of the fertility clinic workload and I thought it sounded right up your street, unless you’ve got your next job lined up already?’

Ben was asking him to go back? With Liv still there? At least, he assumed she was. He hadn’t heard otherwise and Ben would have told him, he was sure. Would he be working with her?

His heart rate rocketed, and he hauled in a deep breath and let it go, consciously engaging his brain instead of his adrenal glands.

‘Whose job is it? It sounds like Simon’s.’

‘It is. His wife’s got cancer and he’s gone off on compassionate leave with immediate effect. They’re moving back to their home town so their parents can help with childcare.’

‘Oh, no, that’s horrendous. Poor Jen. Poor all of them. And poor you, because it’s obviously left you in the lurch, but I’m not sure I’m the man for the job. Does Liv know you’re asking me?’

‘Yes. I asked her first. She said she thought you could be civilised about it.’

Civilised?

He’d be right under her nose, working with couples to solve the very thing that had left their marriage in tatters. Civilised wasn’t the word he would have applied to that situation.

A minefield, more likely.

Or an opportunity to build bridges? He knew so much more now than he had then, but the pain was still raw and no amount of knowledge was going to make that go away.

Could he do it? It wasn’t as if they’d be working together, and it was only temporary in any case. They could keep out of each other’s way if necessary, but it might give them a chance—

‘So, are you still free?’

‘Yes, technically. I haven’t got anything lined up yet, at least, and I’m seeing the last patients today, but I had thought I’d take a break. When would you want me to start?’

Ben made a sound that could have been laughter. ‘Tomorrow? And by the way, that was a joke, but—ASAP, really. We can cover it for a few days but after that it’ll get really tricky. Every woman in Suffolk seems to be pregnant or trying to be at the moment.’

His chest tightened. Not quite every woman. Not his Liv...

‘Why don’t you come and talk to me about it?’ Ben went on. ‘See how you feel?’

He had no idea how he’d feel. Confused? Desperate to see Liv? Afraid to see her, to find that she was happily settled without him when he was still miserable and lonely and struggling to make sense of it all? But maybe she was happy, which would mean he’d done the right thing by leaving without a fight. Maybe he needed to know that so he could move on?

There was no real reason why he couldn’t go. When the clinic closed its doors at five that evening, he’d be jobless. He’d planned a holiday, something reckless and adrenaline-soaked, but he hadn’t booked anything and now Ben was dangling this opportunity to go back to Yoxburgh right in front of his nose.

Yoxburgh, and Liv.

They’d been so happy there at first in the pretty Victorian seaside town, but it had all gone horribly wrong for them and now the only memories he had of it were sad ones. Did he really want to go back?

He’d made changes in his life, tried to get it back on track, but although his diet and lifestyle had undergone a radical overhaul, his heart hadn’t moved on. He’d just shut it away, buried it under a massive pile of work and endless runs around an inner-city park, and going back was bound to open a whole new can of worms. Did he really want to do that? The sensible answer was no—or was that just the coward’s answer?

And Ben needed him. He had no commitments or ties, no reason why he couldn’t go, except that Liv would be there, and maybe that wasn’t a good enough reason to stay away.

Even though it was a minefield, even though they hadn’t spoken in over a year, even though he knew it was rash and stupid and ill-considered, he realised there was a massive part of him that wanted to see her again.

Needed to see her again.

It was high time they had the conversation he’d been putting off since they’d split up. The conversation he owed her—and the one she owed him, like why after more than a year she still hadn’t started divorce proceedings...

‘Let’s just go for it,’ he said, suddenly decisive. ‘I can’t do tomorrow, but why don’t I come up on Friday? That gives me a day to tidy up here and pack, and if I can sort everything out with your HR first thing on Friday morning I can start work right away. My paperwork’s all in order, so once HR have seen it I’ll be good to go. Then you’ll only have to deal with tomorrow, and I can spend the weekend finding somewhere to live.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes, absolutely,’ he said without giving himself time to back out of it. ‘Let’s do it. I’ll drive down early so I’m with you for eight and I can be in HR as soon as they open.’

‘Nick, thank you. I can’t tell you how grateful I am,’ Ben said, and the relief in his voice made Nick realise just how much pressure his old clinical lead was under. ‘And don’t worry about finding anywhere to live,’ Ben added, ‘you can stay with us as long as you need to, Daisy’d love to have you. Come here, to the hospital. You know where to find me. They’ll page me when you get here.’

‘Sure. Thanks. I’ll see you then.’

He hung up, slid the phone into his pocket and stared blankly across the room.

He was going back.

He wasn’t sure he was ready to see Liv again, because he’d never managed to get any emotional distance and his heart was still as raw as it had been the day she threw him out, so it was going to be tough. Very tough. But maybe he could use the opportunity to find out if she was happy without him, because he sure as hell wasn’t happy without her...

There was a knock on the door and a nurse popped her head into the room. ‘Mr Jarvis? Mr and Mrs Lyons are waiting to see you.’

He nodded, gave himself a mental shake and got to his feet. ‘Show them in, please.’

* * *

He was coming back today.

Taking Simon’s job, at least in the short term. She still couldn’t work out how she felt about that. Confused, more than anything. Confused and nervous and tingling with apprehension. Lots of that.

She found a slot in the staff car park, got out and headed for the maternity unit on autopilot, her mind whirling.

Would she see him today? Did she want to? Did he want to see her? Their last exchange had hardly been amicable. Well, her side of it anyway. He’d hardly said a word but then he hadn’t needed to, the evidence had spoken for itself.

She reached the kerb and glanced up, checking that the road was clear, and saw a car approaching.

Nick’s car.

She recognised it instantly, and her heart started to thud as he drew closer, their eyes meeting as he slowed down.

To speak to her?

For a moment she thought he was going to stop, and then he raised his hand in acknowledgement and drove on, and she hauled in a breath and crossed the road on legs like jelly.

Her heart was tumbling in her chest, her lips dry, and she was breathing so fast she could have been running. Ridiculous. He was just a doctor, here to do his job, and she was just a midwife doing hers. The fact that they were still married was neither here nor there. They could do this.

She just had to work out how.

* * *

Nick parked the car and sat there for a moment, waiting for his heart to slow down.

He’d known it would be odd to see her again, but he hadn’t expected the thunderbolt that had struck him when he’d met her eyes. It was like being punched in the gut, and it had taken his breath away.

Jaws clenched, he took the key out of the ignition, picked up the briefcase containing his stethoscope and the file with all the documentation for HR and got out of the car, following her towards the maternity unit.

Why the hell had he said yes? He could have turned Ben down, walked away, gone and had the holiday he’d been promising himself. Then he wouldn’t have been here, he wouldn’t have seen her and ripped open the wound left by the abrupt end to their marriage.

Not that it had taken much ripping. It had barely skinned over in the last year and a bit, but he was here now, the damage was done and he might as well just get on with it. And anyway, she needed the truth. They both did, and maybe then they could both move on.

The door slid open and he strode through it, went up to the maternity reception desk and asked them to page Ben.

* * *

‘Morning, all.’

‘Oh, Liv, I’m so glad I’ve caught you. Can you do us a huge favour? Would you mind covering an antenatal clinic this morning? Jan’s called in sick and you’re the only person who’s not already involved in a delivery.’

She felt a little shaft of relief and smiled at her line manager. ‘No, that’s fine, I’ll head straight down.’ And she’d be nicely tucked out of the way so she wouldn’t run the risk of bumping into Nick.

Which was stupid, really, because it was going to happen sometime, but she’d had less than forty-eight hours to get used to the idea of him coming back and judging by her reaction to him in the car park, it had been nothing like long enough.

She’d spend the morning giving herself a thorough talking-to, and then by the time he actually started work she’d have herself firmly under control.

Good plan.

Except it wasn’t.

The clinic receptionist welcomed her with a smile of relief and then comprehensively trashed her peace of mind.

‘Thank heavens it’s you, Liv, we need someone who knows the ropes. There’s a bit of a delay because the locum who’s covering for Mr Bailey is still in HR, but he’ll be down soon, apparently, so if you could make a start that would be amazing.’

Simon’s clinic? That meant she’d be working with Nick all morning, before she had a chance to shore up the walls and get all her defences in place. Great. Fabulous.

Her heart had started to pound, and she hauled in a breath, picked up the first set of notes with shaking hands and pasted on a smile.

‘No problem. I can do that,’ she said, as much to herself as the receptionist. She walked out to the waiting area, glanced at the file and scanned the room.

‘Judy Richards?’

* * *

‘Nick! Welcome back!’

He recognised Jane, the motherly but ruthlessly efficient woman who acted as Ben’s secretary as well as Simon’s, and greeted her warmly.

‘Hello, Jane, it’s good to see you again. How are you?’

‘I’m fine. I’ve been expecting you. HR said you’d be up here shortly. They said you were very well organised, ironically.’

He laughed. ‘It just so happens I had a file ready with the relevant paperwork in it because I knew I’d need it soon, but don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security. I hate admin.’

She smiled knowingly. ‘I haven’t forgotten that. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you do everything you have to do.’

‘Can you read my mind?’ he asked, and she just laughed.

‘If necessary. That’s what I’m here for.’

‘Good. I don’t suppose you’ve got Simon’s schedule handy, have you? I really need to hit the ground running. Ben said something about a clinic and I’ve got a list this afternoon.’

‘Yes, I’ve printed it all out for you here. First on your list is the antenatal clinic, as you know. It’s still in the same place and they’re expecting you. And your elective list starts at two, so you should just about have time after the clinic to meet your patients before you start in Theatre. The notes are on the ward.’

‘Jane, you’re a legend.’ He hung his stethoscope round his neck, left his briefcase in her care and went.

At least in the clinic he was less likely to run into Liv, because she’d be safely tucked away on the midwife-led unit. And even though in a way he’d wanted to see her, their brief encounter this morning had shaken him more than he’d expected and he could do without any more surprises.

Yes, a nice, busy clinic was exactly what he needed. Just until he got his head round the idea of working in the same building as her...

* * *

‘Liv...’

She was standing in the empty corridor with an armful of notes when she heard him say her name, and she turned slowly and met his eyes.

Anguish, love, regret—and then nothing, as he got control of himself again and slammed the shutters down. He’d had plenty of practice at that, he’d got it down to a fine art in the last year of their marriage, but he’d been too slow this time and his reaction exactly mirrored her own.

‘Hello, Nick,’ she said, her voice sounding scratchy and unused. The words how are you hovered on her tongue, but she couldn’t speak because it had glued itself to the roof of her mouth so she just stared at him.

His face was leaner, she realised, the crows’ feet more pronounced, the frown lines shallower. Because he was happier? He hadn’t looked happy, but he looked more like the old Nick, the man she’d fallen in love with, fit and well and healthy but with a touch of grey at his temples now. Stress, or just age? He was thirty-nine now, nearly forty, and he wore it well apart from that.

Not that the silver threaded through his dark hair did anything to dim his subtle but potent sex appeal—

Her heart was beating so fast it was deafening her, her breath was lodged in her throat, and she had to clamp her lips together to stifle a sudden little sob.

She blinked fiercely and adjusted the folders in her arms before looking back at him, and as she met those beautiful, smoky grey eyes again her heart thudded, but his gaze held her eyes and she was powerless to look away.

‘I wasn’t expecting to see you down here,’ he said after a second of silence that seemed to scream on for eternity, and his gruff voice set her free and she breathed again.

‘Ditto, but it’s just as well you’re here now, we’ve got a lot of work to do.’ She pretended to look at the notes in her arms. Anything to get away from those searching eyes when her own were bound to be too revealing. ‘I take it you managed to tick all HR’s boxes?’

‘Yes. I have a file I keep up to date. It comes in handy when you’re a locum.’

That again. Why hasn’t he got a full-time job?

He hesitated, as if there was something else he wanted to say, but after a moment he looked down at the armful of folders she was holding. ‘So, what’s that lot?’

‘The ladies who’ve had their BP and fundal height measured and their urine tested, so they’re all ready for you.’ Her voice was almost normal again, and she nearly laughed. If he had any idea what was going on in her chest—

She led him into the consulting room and handed him the folders, and as he took them his hand brushed lightly against hers and the heat from his skin sent a wave of longing through her. She almost dropped the files but he had them, and he turned swiftly away and dumped them on the desk.

‘Anyone I should be particularly aware of?’ he asked, his voice a little taut and very businesslike, so she followed his lead. Anything to help get herself back under control before her heart gave out.

‘Yes, Judy Richards,’ she said briskly. ‘She has a history of early miscarriage. This is her fourth pregnancy, she’s thirty-two weeks which is the longest she’s ever gone, but her fundal height hasn’t changed since her last appointment a week ago and that wasn’t as much as it should have been, so it might be that the baby’s found a new position, or it could be that it’s stopped growing for some reason. She’s on the top of the pile.’

He frowned thoughtfully, all business now. ‘Right. Good. Has she been tested for APS?’

‘Yes, after her last miscarriage. The test came back negative.’

‘Hmm. OK, well, she’d better have another scan before I see her, if we can do it without worrying her too much.’

‘It’s done. I knew you’d ask for it so I told her it was because it was a new consultant, and she didn’t question it. The results are on here,’ she said, handing him the department tablet.

‘Great. Thanks.’ He scrolled through and studied the results, then handed it back, frowning thoughtfully.

‘OK. I think I’m going to admit her. Can you call her in, please, and I’ll check her over and break the news?’

‘Sure.’

And oddly it was fine, because Judy Richards and her baby needed them, they had a job to do and so they just got on with it, slipping seamlessly back into the familiar routine as if it had been yesterday. Not that she was relaxed in any way, but it was a joy watching him with Judy, and a stark reminder of how good he was at his job.

She’d forgotten how intuitive a doctor he was, and how caring. Kind, gentle, thorough—and from his first greeting onwards, Liv could see Judy had utter faith in him.

‘Mrs Richards—I’m Nick Jarvis, I’ve taken over from Simon Bailey. I’ve had a look at your notes, and also the scan you had done today. It doesn’t really shed any light—which is good news in a way, I suppose, but it still leaves some unanswered questions and I don’t like that, so I think I’d like to admit you and do a few more tests, get a closer look at your baby and the placenta and retest you for APS—antiphospholipid syndrome. Has anybody discussed that with you yet?’

‘Yes, Mr Bailey did, but he didn’t think I’d got it.’

‘He may well be right, but I’m erring on the side of caution, so if that’s all right with you, I’ll ring the ward and make the arrangements for you to be admitted now, and then maybe someone could bring some things in for you later.’

‘I can’t go home and get them myself?’

‘You can, of course, but I’d like to get the tests under way as soon as possible and I’m in Theatre this afternoon, so I’d very much rather you didn’t because I’d like to look after you myself rather than hand you over to someone else in my team.’

By the time he’d convinced Judy to come in immediately for closer monitoring, she was still calm and relatively relaxed, which considering her obstetric history was nothing short of a miracle.

If only they were as calm and relaxed things would be fine, but they weren’t. Liv felt like a cat on hot bricks, and she wasn’t sure he was faring any better.

They got through the morning by keeping out of each other’s way as much as possible, avoiding eye contact, restricting conversation to a minimum and all work-related, but fun it wasn’t and her nerves were in bits, so the second the clinic was finished she made her escape.

* * *

He closed the door as Liv went out with the last patient, leant back against the wall and closed his eyes, letting his breath out in a long, slow huff.

Well, they’d survived, if you could call it that.

Not that it had been easy, but they’d got through it by sticking to business and getting on with the job, and they’d done that well, working together as a smooth, well-oiled team just as they had in the old days. Except in the old days they’d enjoyed it, and he was pretty certain neither of them had enjoyed it today, and the tension between them could have been cut with a knife.

It couldn’t go on like this, though, and he knew he had to do something to break through the icy politeness and careful distance between them or it wasn’t going to work. At all.

He shrugged away from the wall, picked up the last set of notes and left the room, scanning the clinic for Liv, but there was no sign of her.

‘Seen Liv?’ he asked at Reception as he handed over the file, and was told she’d gone for lunch.

Which meant, unless she’d changed her habits, she’d be in the café that opened onto the park.

Good. He could do with a nice, strong coffee, with caffeine in it for a change. It might help him get through what was sure to be a deeply awkward conversation.

CHAPTER TWO

‘MIND IF I join you?’

She might have known he’d find her here. She should have gone to the other café, or the restaurant—or even better, gone off-site.

Too late now. She looked pointedly at the two free tables, then up into those beautiful, unreadable eyes that were studying her knowingly. Too knowingly. She looked away.

‘Is this about work?’

‘In a way.’

He didn’t wait for her to invite him, just put his cup on the table and sat down, his gaze meeting hers again, but this time she didn’t look away because his eyes looked guarded and a little wary still, and she realised he was—nervous? No, not nervous, that didn’t sound like Nick. Uncomfortable, maybe. That didn’t sound like him, either, not the Nick she knew and loved anyway, but maybe he’d changed. Maybe she’d changed him by cutting him so brutally out of her life, but she’d been so hurt...

‘Liv, I realise this is awkward, but I do think we need to clear the air if we’re going to work together,’ he said quietly, ‘unless you being in the clinic this morning was just a one-off?’

She shook her head. ‘No, it wasn’t a one-off, but I wasn’t meant to be doing the clinic today and I didn’t realise you’d be starting work so early. I thought it would take longer with HR.’

‘Ah, well, that’s the file for you,’ he said with a slight smile that didn’t reach his eyes. ‘Answers all the questions in an instant. So, getting back to us, I’d assumed when Ben asked me that you’d still be in the midwife-led unit?’

She shook her head again. ‘No, I only moved there while you were working your notice, and after you’d gone there was no point in me staying there, so I switched back to the consultant unit when there was a vacancy. I’ve been back six months.’

He frowned. ‘I didn’t know that. I’m sorry, I would have talked to you first if I had. Obviously I knew we’d see each other anyway from time to time, but that’s not quite the same as having to work together. Are you going to be OK with that?’

Was she? OK with spending day after day bumping into him, working alongside him on deliveries, their hands, their bodies touching as they brushed against each other in the confines of the delivery room? OK with hearing his voice, catching endless glimpses of him around the maternity unit, hearing him laugh? He had a wonderful laugh, warm and rich and never, never unkind.

Would she really be OK with all of that?

She let out a soft, slightly shaky sigh. ‘Nick, it’s fine. We managed this morning and as I said to Ben, I’m sure we can be civilised.’

‘I’m sure we can, but that still doesn’t make it easy.’

The despairing little laugh escaped without her permission. ‘What, you thought you could come back into my life after a year and it would be easy? Get real, Nick. We’re not married any more, in case you hadn’t noticed. Of course it won’t be easy.’

He winced slightly—so slightly that anyone who didn’t know him as well as she did wouldn’t have spotted it, but when he spoke it was without emotion.

‘We are still married,’ he corrected, his voice carefully controlled, ‘but I haven’t forgotten for a single moment that we’re not together. That’s not what this is about. But we are going to have to work together, and we never had a problem in the past and I don’t want us to have a problem now.’

‘Did we have a problem today?’

‘With the work? No. With the atmosphere, definitely, and I’m not sure I can do it unless we can find some middle ground. We used to be such a brilliant team, and I want to find a way to get that back.’

‘Seriously?’ she asked, slightly incredulous, but he nodded.

‘Seriously. I realise it’s not going to be the same, but it needs to be better than it was this morning, and I just wanted to clear the air, break the ice a bit and get rid of the awkwardness, so that we’re more at ease next time.’

In his dreams. There was no way she was going to be at ease with him. She only had to hear his voice or catch a glimpse of him and her heart started racing, but he was here and she was stuck with it, for now at least, and he had a point. They did have to be able to work together, although she still had questions about that, so she went for the first one on the pile.

‘How come you were available to locum anyway?’ she asked without preamble. ‘I’d imagined you tucked up in a nice little consultant’s post somewhere picturesque.’

Probably with another woman. She didn’t add that, because he was trying to pour oil on troubled waters and it wouldn’t help at all if she threw petrol on the fire instead. And besides, it was none of her business any more who he chose to sleep with.

He glanced down, stirring his coffee on autopilot even though she knew it wouldn’t have sugar in it.

‘I didn’t want to tie myself down,’ he said, finally putting the spoon back in the saucer and meeting her eyes again. ‘After I left here, I just wanted to get away, let the dust settle, work out where I wanted to go. I thought maybe New Zealand, but my parents are still alive and they’re getting older, so I took a two-month locum post covering maternity leave fairly close to them while I worked out what I wanted to do, and then when that was coming to an end they asked me to cover the fertility clinic until it shut because the services were being centralised and the consultant had left, so I did. I saw my last patients two days ago, on the day Ben rang, and I had nothing else lined up, so I’m here.’

‘Why on earth did you say yes?’

‘To Ben? Because I need a job, so I can eat and keep a roof over both our heads.’

She felt another pang of guilt. ‘I didn’t mean that, Nick, but if the mortgage is an issue—’

‘It’s not an issue, Liv, it’s a fact, and I’m not going to make you homeless under any circumstances so let’s just ignore that. So what did you mean?’

‘I was talking about the fertility clinic job. I couldn’t believe it when Ben told me that’s what you’d been doing. It seems such an odd choice to make, under the circumstances, and I couldn’t understand why on earth you’d do it.’

His eyes flicked away, then back to hers, curiously intent. ‘Because I needed a job, as I said, and I was already in the hospital, I’d made a few friends, it meant I wouldn’t have to relocate—and maybe, also, because I thought it might help me understand what had happened to us.’

Her heart thumped. ‘And did it?’

He smiled sadly. ‘Well, let’s just say it made it blindingly obvious that we weren’t the only couple struggling.’

His expression wasn’t guarded now, just full of regret, and she lowered her head, unable to hold those clear grey eyes that seemed to see to the bottom of her insecurities.

‘How about you?’ he asked softly. ‘What have you been up to since I went?’

She picked up her spoon and chased the froth on her cappuccino, stalling just as he had. ‘What I’m doing now, pretty much. What did you expect?’

‘I didn’t. I had no idea what you’d want to do.’

Cry? She’d done so much of that after he’d gone, but she wasn’t telling him that, although he could probably work it out. Fix it? Impossible, because the thing that had been wrong was the thing they hadn’t been able to fix, so she’d just got on with her life, putting one foot in front of the other, not even trying to make sense of it because there wasn’t any sense to be made.

‘I didn’t want to do anything,’ she said sadly, watching the froth slide off the spoon. ‘I just wanted peace, that was all. Peace, contentment, and the satisfaction of a job well done instead of the endless spectre of failure—’

‘You didn’t fail, Liv!’

She dropped the spoon with a clatter. ‘Really? So what would you call it? Month after month, all our hopes and dreams flushed away—and then, just to rub my nose in it, you go off and sleep with your ex. That doesn’t exactly make it a success in my book—’

She pushed back her chair, grabbed her bag and walked swiftly away from him, out of the café into the park, hauling in the cold air as if she’d just come up from the bottom of the ocean.

Don’t cry! Whatever you do, don’t cry—

‘Liv! Liv, wait!’

She turned and looked up at him, right behind her, his grey eyes troubled, and she had the crazy urge to throw herself into his arms and sob her heart out.

Don’t cry!

‘Leave it, Nick,’ she said, hoping her voice didn’t show her desperation. ‘Just leave it. I don’t mind working with you, I said that to Ben, and I’m sure we can keep it professional, but I don’t need any cosy chats or in-depth analysis of where it all went wrong for us. We both know exactly where it all went wrong, and if I’d gone to the conference with you that weekend then you would never have slept with Suzanne—’

‘I didn’t sleep with her.’

She stared at him, stunned. ‘What?’

‘I said, I didn’t sleep with her.’

Shock robbed her of breath.

‘I don’t believe you. You’re lying!’

‘No, I’m not, Liv. I didn’t touch her. Honestly.’

She took a step back, struggling for air, for sense, for understanding, but they all eluded her.

‘That’s not true. It can’t be true. Why would you suddenly come out with this now?’

‘Because it is true, and I should have told you at the time.’

How did he do that with his eyes? Make them appear utterly unguarded and shining with sincerity?

‘But—you admitted it!’

‘No. No, I didn’t Liv, I just confirmed that she’d spent the night with me in my room,’ he told her. ‘That was what you asked me, and I said yes because it was the truth. She did spend the night in there with me. You didn’t ask why, though, or what for, because by the time I came home you’d spoken to Beth, you’d found the note Suze had left in my luggage and you had me hung, drawn and quartered and hung out to dry before I even stepped over the threshold, so you wouldn’t have believed me anyway.

‘You just assumed I’d slept with her,’ he went on, his voice heavy and tinged with sadness, ‘and I let you, because in that split second I felt that you’d thrown me a lifeline, a way out of a marriage that was tearing us both apart, so I just grabbed it and ran. And I’m sorry. I should never have done that to you. I should have told you the truth there and then, and made you listen.’

His words stunned her, the shockwaves rolling through her, bringing a sob to her throat.

‘How could you do that?’ she asked, her voice a strangled whisper. ‘How could you let me believe that for all this time? I’ve spent a whole, agonising year believing that you slept with her, that I wasn’t enough for you, that you didn’t truly love me any more—you’re right, you should have told me the truth then, Nick, instead of letting me think that you’d spent the night making love to—’

She broke off, unable to say her name. ‘You let me end our marriage, on the grounds that you’d slept with that whore—’

His eyes hardened. ‘She’s not a whore, she’s a friend, a damn good friend, who told me to pull myself together and go home and sort out my marriage.’

A sob rose in her throat, threatening to choke her, but she crushed it down and pulled herself together. ‘Well, you did a great job of that—’

Her voice cracked and she pushed past him, shaking his hand off as he tried to stop her. She went back inside, cutting through the café to the main hospital corridor, then out on the other side bordering the car park, deliberately going the wrong way to throw him off the scent and lose him because if she had to spend another moment in his company she was going to cry, and she wasn’t prepared to give him the satisfaction.

So she kept on going, and she didn’t stop until she was back on the ward.

* * *

She’d gone.

The corridor was empty and he stood there, kicking himself for letting the conversation stray into such dangerous territory—especially in a public place and right in the middle of the working day.

Idiot!

He had to talk to her, to explain why he’d let her believe what she had, how he’d felt, why he hadn’t stood his ground and told her the truth at the time. The real reason.

But not now. This afternoon he had a—mercifully short—elective list, so his first port of call was the wards, to make sure Judy Richards was settled in, and to meet the patients he was going to operate on and read through their notes before he was due in Theatre. And if he was lucky, Liv’s shift would be well and truly over by the time he’d finished.

He’d go and see her at home later, to apologise, to explain, to try and help her understand.

If he could get her to listen, and judging by the way she’d just reacted, that was by no means a foregone conclusion.

* * *

Liv was tied up in a delivery for the afternoon, the nice straightforward labour of a woman having her sixth baby. She’d haemorrhaged after the last so she’d been admitted directly to the consultant-led unit with this one just in case, but so far everything was going fine.

Just as well, because Liv’s concentration was totally shot.

How could he have done that to her? Let her believe he’d betrayed her like that if he hadn’t? And why then, when she’d just found out that yet again she wasn’t pregnant, so she’d been at her most vulnerable? She’d spent over a year living with the bone-deep certainty that he’d been unfaithful to her, and now she didn’t know what to believe—

‘I need to push.’

‘OK, Karen. Nice and steady. That’s good.’

But Karen’s baby wasn’t going for nice and steady, and three minutes later, half an hour before the end of Liv’s shift, a lusty, squalling baby was delivered into her father’s waiting hands.

‘It’s a girl,’ he said, laughing and crying as he lay their daughter in his wife Karen’s outstretched arms. ‘Finally, it’s a girl!’

Liv’s eyes filled, and she had to blink away the tears as she gave Karen the oxytocin injection to help her uterus to contract down.

If this had been them, if she’d been able to give him a child, then maybe that would have been enough to keep him...

Liv checked the baby quickly as she lay in her mother’s arms, making sure that all was well, but the baby was lovely and pink, her pulse steady and strong, her skinny little arms and legs moving beautifully. She’d stopped crying now and was staring up at her mother, riveted by the first face she’d ever seen.

It was a beautiful moment, one Liv never tired of seeing, and she watched the two of them staring into each other’s eyes and falling in love and felt a familiar lump in her throat.

‘Apgar score ten at one minute,’ she said, her voice miraculously steady. ‘Congratulations. She’s lovely.’

She checked her again four minutes later, by which time the cord had stopped pulsating, so Liv clamped and cut it and handed the baby back to her mother.

‘I take it this is your first girl?’

Her father’s grin was wry. ‘Yes, so hopefully we can stop now. Six is getting a little crazy, but we did want a girl so we thought we’d have one last try.’

‘We may live to regret it when she hits puberty,’ Karen said with a laugh, her hands cradling the naked baby tenderly at her breast.

Liv laid a warm towel back over them both and tucked it round the baby. ‘She’ll be fine, and she’ll have all those big brothers to look after her. She’s latched on well,’ Liv added, struck yet again by the miracle of birth and the naturalness of this wonderful bond between mother and child. The bond she would never know...

‘Yes, and thank goodness I’ve never had any problems with feeding any of them,’ Karen said with a laugh. ‘There’s way too much to do in our house without sterilising bottles and making up feeds. Ooh, I can feel a contraction.’

‘OK, Karen, that’s good, you’re nearly done. Gentle push for me when you’re ready?’ she said calmly, but Liv felt her heart rate pick up, because this was the moment, as the placenta separated from the uterine wall, that the haemorrhage would happen, and she really, really didn’t feel ready for that.

Didn’t feel ready for any more stress today, and the last thing she needed was Nick striding in there to take over like the cavalry after he’d just destabilised her fragile status quo with that bombshell about Suzanne.

Concentrate!

The haemorrhage didn’t happen. To everyone’s huge relief, the placenta came away cleanly with hardly any blood loss, so after they’d sorted Karen out and Liv was happy that her uterus was contracting down well and that all was as it should be, she left the other midwife to fill out the notes and headed for the changing room, only an hour late.

Tomorrow was Saturday, and with any luck she wouldn’t run into Nick again today which meant she was unlikely to see him again until Monday. That would give her two clear days to get her emotions in order.

Except it didn’t, because she walked out of the lift at the bottom of the building and ran slap into him.

‘Sorry—’

She stepped hastily back, and they stood transfixed in awkward silence as the lift doors hissed shut behind her, cutting off her retreat.

‘I gather your delivery was all right?’ he asked, breaking the silence. ‘I’ve been on standby in case she haemorrhaged again.’

‘Oh—yes, it was fine, thanks. No problems. How’s Judy Richards?’

‘Settling in. I think I’ve reassured her.’ He paused, his eyes searching hers. ‘Look, Liv, are you done for the day?’

‘Yes,’ she said firmly, holding his eyes with a determined effort and clutching her coat in her arms like a shield. ‘And I’m going home.’

‘Can we talk?’

Her heart sank. ‘Again? Nick, there’s nothing you have to say that I need to hear. If there’s a shred of truth in what you said, you should have told me then, not saved it for now, and I really don’t want to discuss it. For heaven’s sake, just leave it. It’s not relevant any more anyway.’

She pushed past him and walked out of the door, but of course he couldn’t leave it, could he? She could barely hear his footsteps behind her but she knew he was there, his voice calling her name as she made her way across the car park, but it was almost drowned out by the pounding of her heart.

She dodged between the rows of cars, reached the kerb by the access road to the main car park and was about to cross it when she felt his hand on her arm.

‘Liv, please, let me talk to you. Give me a chance to explain.’

But she’d had enough to deal with already today, so she turned back to face him and shook her head. ‘No. I can’t do this now just to ease your guilty conscience, Nick, and I’m not going to. Please, just leave me alone!’

He caught her shoulders and held her. ‘Liv, I won’t take much of your time, but there’s something I need to tell you and you need to hear it—’

‘No! No, I don’t!’

She tried to spin away from him, but his grip suddenly tightened and he tried to pull her back.

‘Liv, no!’ he yelled, his voice urgent, but the urgency was lost on her as she wrenched her arm away and stumbled backwards off the kerb out of reach.

She saw the look of horror on his face, heard the blast of a horn, saw the car as it clipped her and sent her spinning, and then her head hit the ground and everything went black...

* * *

He watched helplessly as the car struck her, saw her fall, saw her head bouncing off the kerb as she came to rest just inches from the front wheel. The big SUV had ground to a halt and the driver stumbled out, other people ran towards them shouting, but his eyes were only for Liv.

She was lying motionless on the edge of the road like a broken doll, her head level with the front wheel, her feet partly under the car just inches from the rear wheel, and for a terrifying second he thought she was dead.

Her hair had tumbled over her face and he dropped to his knees beside her, sweeping the hair aside to check for a pulse in her neck, but his own heart was beating so hard he could scarcely feel hers and his breath jammed in his throat.

‘Liv? Liv, talk to me, for God’s sake!’

He found a pulse and dragged in a breath, digging out the doctor instead of the lover, running his hands over her quickly, checking that she was breathing, scanning her for injuries, but her limbs were all straight, her pupils were equal and reactive, her breathing was normal. For now. But she was unconscious, and that could mean anything.

He needed help, and fast. He tugged his phone out of his pocket with shaking fingers and rang the ED direct. ‘One of our midwives has been knocked down near the staff car park and she’s unconscious. Send a team out here now, please, fast. Tell them they’ll need a collar and board and a pelvic band. And hurry.’

She started to stir, and he dropped the phone and reached out, bracketing her head carefully in his hands and holding it steady, feeling the stickiness of blood on his fingers as they burrowed through her hair. No...

‘Easy, Liv. Try not to move. I’ve called for help. Just stay as still as you can.’

‘Nick?’

She knew him. Thank God...

‘It’s OK, Liv, I’ve got you, my love. I’ve got you. They’ll be here soon. You’ll be OK. Just keep still for me, sweetheart.’

‘My head hurts...’

‘I know, darling, I know, but they’ll be here soon. Just hang on another minute. It won’t be long.’

‘Over here,’ someone yelled, and then the crowd that had gathered around them parted as the trauma team arrived.

He looked up without moving his hands. ‘She was KOed briefly, she’s got a head wound, and you’ll need a collar and a board. GCS three at first, now fourteen. She’s concussed, almost certainly whiplashed and she could have pelvic and spinal injuries—and mind her legs. I don’t know if they were hit,’ he said unsteadily, and then someone took over the control of her head and neck and he found himself gently shifted out of the way. Someone backed the car away very carefully to give them better access, and as soon as her spine was immobilised they moved her onto a stretcher, then up onto the trolley for the short trundle to the ED doors.

He scooped up her bag and coat and went with them, still issuing instructions on autopilot. ‘Try and keep it smooth,’ he said, putting his free hand on the trolley to steady it. ‘She’ll need a head and neck CT and a full trauma series—’

‘It’s OK, you can leave her with us now,’ someone said, but he shook his head.

‘No way, she’s my wife,’ he said, for the sake of economy, and he followed them into Resus without waiting to be invited. The team closed around her, nobody he recognised, no one he could connect with, and then a door swished open and someone said, ‘OK, what have we got?’ and the voice from his youth was so familiar he could have cried with relief.

‘Sam,’ he said, his voice choked, and Sam stopped in his tracks and did a mild double-take.

‘Nick? What are you doing here?’

‘My wife was knocked down in the car park, right in front of me. Her name’s Olivia—Liv. She’s a midwife here.’

‘Liv’s your wife?’ Sam’s face creased into a frown and he bent over her so she could see his face without moving. ‘Hi, Liv, it’s Sam Ryder. Remember me? You delivered our baby last year.’

‘Of course I do. How is she?’ she mumbled, and Nick let out a sigh of relief because if she remembered that, it was a good sign—wasn’t it?

‘She’s fine. They’re both well.’ Sam turned to him. ‘What can you tell me about the accident? Speed, angle of collision, how far she travelled?’

He made himself focus. ‘Um—low speed collision, probably less than ten miles an hour at the most? She stepped out backwards in front of a big SUV. She was hit from her left side and spun as she fell, but not far. Her head hit the kerb pretty hard. There’s a cut on the left side just behind the temple. GCS three initially, then fourteen after a brief loss of consciousness—’

‘How brief?’

He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Not long, but long enough to be significant. A minute, maybe, at the most? I’d done a cursory check and called for help before she stirred.’

‘Did her head hit the bonnet before she fell?’

‘No. No, it really wasn’t that fast and the front wing just clipped her. She just—spun and fell, but really hard so she’ll need a CT and her head’s bleeding so she could have a fracture there where she hit the kerb, and she might be whiplashed and her spine needs checking thoroughly—’

Sam lifted a hand. ‘OK, we’re on it. Can you give us her details so we can be getting her notes up? And then maybe you need to go and get a coffee while we check her over.’

‘I can’t leave her—’

‘Yes, you can. Don’t worry, we’ll keep you updated. Make sure we’ve got your number.’

Sam turned back to Liv, taking her hand in his, focusing intently on his patient as Nick stood numbly and watched them, hardly daring to breathe.

‘OK, Liv, can you tell me where it hurts?’ Sam asked softly.

‘Everywhere.’

‘Well, that’s not very useful,’ he said with a grin. ‘Can you try and be a little more specific?’

‘My head?’

‘Anywhere else?’ He carried on chattily assessing her while Nick watched tensely from the sidelines, then he straightened.

‘OK. That’s all good. Can we get some IV paracetamol on board, please, and get a full trauma screen to rule out any fractures and then we’ll send you down for a head and neck CT, Liv, OK? And can we run a FAST scan, please, while we’re waiting?’

Nick felt himself relax a fraction. Despite his light-hearted banter, Sam was looking after her properly, and all the time the nurses had been working, linking her to a monitor, getting IV access ready, cutting her clothes away so Sam could see her injuries.

He could see them, too, and the bruises on her smooth, pale skin made him wince. She could so easily have been killed—

‘Mr Jarvis?’

He turned his head, finally becoming aware of the nurse who’d laid a hand on his arm and was shaking it gently to get his attention.

‘If you could give me her details that would be very helpful.’

‘Of course. I’m sorry.’ He forced himself to focus, rattled off her name, date of birth, address, GP—

‘OK, I’ve got her. You’re her next of kin?’

‘Yes,’ he said firmly, although he didn’t know if that was still true, strictly speaking, because the ex-ness made that all a little unclear...

‘Same mobile phone number?’

‘Yes.’

‘Is that her stuff? Would you like me to look after it?’

He looked down and saw the coat and bag, clutched in his hand like a lifeline. He’d forgotten all about them. ‘Yeah, thanks.’ He handed them over just as the door behind him opened again and swished shut, and he turned his head and met Ben Walker’s worried eyes.

‘What’s going on? I heard Liv had been run over.’

‘Not run over,’ he said, his voice suddenly hollow. ‘She was knocked down. She’s got a head injury.’

Ben frowned, crossed over to the bed and exchanged a few words with Sam, then leant over her. ‘Hi, Liv. Anything I can do?’

She mumbled something, and Ben nodded and straightened up, squeezing her hand as he left her side.

‘Don’t worry, I’ll look after him.’

He turned to the nurse who was printing up Liv’s labels for the notes. ‘Page me if you need us,’ he said, and hooking his arm around Nick’s shoulders, the bluff Yorkshireman gently but firmly led him away.

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