Nikolay Lakutin
A play for 5 people. Defrosting relationships

ATТENTION! ALL COPYRIGHTS TO THE PLAY ARE PROTECTED BY THE LAWS OF RUSSIA, INTERNATIONAL LEGISLATION, AND BELONG TO THE AUTHOR. ITS PUBLICATION AND REPUBLICATION, REPRODUCTION, PUBLIC PERFORMANCE, TRANSLATION INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, MAKING CHANGES TO THE TEXT OF THE PLAY WHEN STAGED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR IS PROHIBITED. THE PRODUCTION OF THE PLAY IS POSSIBLE ONLY AFTER THE CONCLUSION OF A DIRECT CONTRACT BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND THE THEATER.

A comedy for five people in two acts.

Duration: 1 hour and 30 minutes.

ACTORS

YAKOV is not the happiest husband;

AURORA MOISEEVNA – Yakov's mother;

SUSANNA is not the happiest wife;

VALENTINE is a lucky man, his life was a success;

ALLA is a curvy beauty, the wife of Valentine.

ACT ONE

1 Park

Dynamic music is playing.

The music stops, the shouts of a man and a woman break into it, swearing.

SUSANNA (Susanna's voice, a nervous cry): Have you completely stopped understanding words? So it is necessary to be able to succeed in degradation! What's complicated? I asked to take a queue at the checkout! And so we are late, we have lost another ten minutes.

YAKOV (Yakov's voice, a nervous cry): To degrade, my dear, is a natural process, with such a wife. I have no other prospects a priori, and I have not had any since the very happy day when I married you.

Yakov and Susanna enter the stage with a quick, nervous step. They are dressed relatively simply, gray, inconspicuous. This style of clothing and overall appearance will be preserved until the last scene. Yakov carries in his hand a package with gifts for his mother's birthday.

SUSANNA (indignantly): So stop.

They stop. Susanna puts her hands on her hips.

SUSANNA (indignantly): Come on, in more detail!

Yakov tries to soften the situation, changes the subject.

YAKOV (justifying himself): And about the cash register – it's not my fault. I took my turn and defended it. I missed it once, twice, and you're still not there. So I made room. As long as you can look out. And anyway – if you were going faster, no one would be late anywhere! Go, Susanna, go!!! In five minutes, everyone will be sitting down at the table, and we are still here.

Yakov grabs Susanna by the hand, but she resists, pushes Yakov's hand away.

SUSANNA (indignantly): So I have to get ready quickly? So go and celebrate your mother's birthday yourself, since you are so fast! I've never been welcome there anyway, and they never will be. Aurora Moiseevna does not consider anyone else in this world as people except you. But my beloved son Yashenka is always there for the court. In any condition and no matter what he did. Go ahead, you're late!

Susanna turns around and goes in the other direction.

Yakov catches up with her, grabs her hand and tries to stop her.

YAKOV (justifying himself): Oh, come on! What are you inventing? Come on, they're waiting for us!

A skirmish. Yakov pulls Susanna, who resists. The case is not moving in any direction.

On the other side of the stage, a couple Valentin and Alla come out arm in arm in complete idyll. They notice familiar faces. Valentine calls out to his old friend.

VALENTIN (to Yakov): Yashka! What are you doing?

Yakov turns around, Susanna improves the moment, gently nods to Valentin and Alla and quickly leaves the stage.

Yakov turns back, sees his Susanna running away, desperately waves his hand in her direction and goes to greet a friend.

VALENTIN (to Yakov): Valentin? Hi! How many years.

YAKOV (to Valentin): Yes, it's been a long time… they say

hello.

VALENTIN (to Yakov, pointing after the runaway Susanna): And what is this? It's Susanna, wasn't it my imagination?

YAKOV (to Valentina, doomed): She…

VALENTIN (to Yakov, delighted): Wow. You've been friends since the institute. So we got married! Congratulations!!!

YAKOV (to Valentina, doomed): Thank you, of course, but there is nothing special to congratulate. We are with her from day to day, like a cat with a dog.

Alla gently hugs her husband.

VALENTIN (to Yakov, proudly): By the way, I want to introduce you. Alla. My wife.

YAKOV (Hello, politely): Very nice, Yakov.

VALENTIN (Hello, playfully, imitating the hero of the film, comrade Saakhov): A student, a Komsomol member, an athlete, finally, she is just a beauty!

Alla laughs, is embarrassed, looks playfully at her husband, reciprocates Yakov.

ALLA (to Yakov, nodding delicately): Alla, I'm glad to meet you.

YAKOV (to Valentin, openly envious): Yes…, buddy, I'm jealous! I'm jealous and I don't hide it!

ALLA (smiling): Thanks. (Takes a short pause) Well…, I understand that you need to talk. I'll run around for now (he points with his hand, addressing his husband) to that boutique over there, okay, honey?

VALENTIN (Alle): Of course, honey. Come by, I'll be there soon.

Alla kisses her husband and elegantly leaves the stage, exchanging farewell nods with Yakov.

Both men follow the chiseled figure of Alla with coveted glances.

YAKOV (openly envious):

Yakov turns

to Valentin to say something, but his thoughts are still there… somewhere in the area of Alla's lower back. He turns again in the direction of the departed Alla, looking for something there, carefully watching her silhouette that has long disappeared from the stage.

YAKOV (openly envious): Dddaaaa…

VALENTIN (complacently, turning his friend's head in his direction with his hand): Uh-huh …

YAKOV (openly envious): Listen… how? How do you manage to find such beauties? How did you persuade her to marry you? In the sense.. you, of course, are a prominent man, but she… she…

VALENTIN (optimistically): You're right, my friend, I'm not an oligarch. And I don't have anything special… well, except maybe a couple of tens of millions in accounts, a decent house and three Mercedes cars.

YAKOV (openly envious, indignant): Hah! Well, there! And you say there is nothing like that…

VALENTIN (seriously): But listen, all this came to me only after I met Alla. It was she who made me what I have become. Before that, I was a loser and a sucker… Well, like those … (stops himself, does not seek to offend a friend, tries to steer the situation) like those men who are always dissatisfied with everything, always fussing about something, and there is not much use in this. Something like that.

YAKOV (resigned): Come on… Of course, I'm no different from those men. I have never done anything so grandiose in my life. I worked like everyone else…, I always dreamed of something, I tried to succeed in my swamp, but… I realized too late that the only way to succeed in the swamp is to get stuck in it more strongly. And so it turned out. My years raced by a high-speed car along the highway of life. Leaving somewhere there all the brightest, most interesting and expensive.

VALENTIN (seriously): Yes, wait a minute to bury yourself. Yashka, what are you doing? I remember you as an interesting, intelligent guy with a sparkle in his eyes!

YAKOV (doomed): My eyes sparkled, Valentine, a long time ago.

VALENTIN (seriously): But wait, because the coolest girl in the course jumped out for you! Not for me, mind you, even though I was the ringleader, but for you! Isn't that saying something?

YAKOV (doomed): This suggests that I probably still represented something at that time, but now I don't even remember what it was. I am already a lost person in every sense of the word. In a couple of months, it will be fifteen years since Susanna and I are married.

VALENTIN (kindly): Oh! Congratulations!

YAKOV (sadly): Thank you, but… Somehow, this date does not add joy and optimism to me. You've seen how we are with her… My son is thirteen, an adult already. Then at school, then with friends-girlfriends. He doesn't come home, almost. But… It is understandable.

Valentin looks sadly at his friend, looks around, notices a bench – invites him to sit down with a gesture.

VALENTIN (kindly):

YAKOV (looks at his watch, shakes his head in resignation): Come on, I'm already late anyway.

They sit down on a bench.

VALENTIN (kindly): And where are you late? Something important?

YAKOV (sadly): Yes, it's my mother's birthday today. Here, my wife and I were going to look at the celebration, (she points to the package in her hand) we bought a gift and something for the table. Well… as you saw, it didn't come to a joint campaign.

VALENTIN (kindly): Yash, don't get upset. In this state, a holiday is not a holiday and life is not life. Tell me better, what happened with Susanna there? Why has family life brought you to such a state? After all, everything should be completely different? What's wrong? Where is the error?

YAKOV (sadly): Yes, if I knew where the mistake was, Valya, I would have corrected it a long time ago. And so… I'm afraid that my family equation is not at all with one variable. And it has not been possible for me to solve it for a long time.

VALENTIN (seriously): Wait a minute. But if everything is so bad, if everything is not a joy – so why not get a divorce?

YAKOV (sadly): Oh, Val. I hadn't thought of that. What a divorce. We have a son, and it makes sense to disperse. Who needs us now? When we were young-then there were still chances to build something with someone, and now… and it's wrong – divorce. No, I didn't think about it.

VALENTIN (seriously): So what? That's how you live, not because you want to live together, but because it seems like you just have to?

YAKOV (surprised): Well, yes. And what, someone lives somehow differently?

VALENTIN (seriously): Yes, many people live differently. For example, I live differently.

YAKOV (cheerfully): No, brother, I don't take you into account. You and Alla are still just having a candy-bouquet period. It will pass, and it will pass quickly, then you will understand me.

VALENTIN (seriously): I hope that I will not understand, because our period, as you put it, candy-bouquet, has been going on for nine years.

YAKOV (incredulously): How much?

VALENTIN (seriously): Nine, you heard right.

YAKOV (incredulously): I didn't understand. And why are you so happy then, as if you've been dating for at most six months? What the hell is this? No, old man, you must be laughing at me. It doesn't happen that way… And then, your Alla is all shining next to you, like a polished nickel! I have never seen such a married couple! When I saw you two together, I actually thought that this young girl was your mistress.

VALENTIN (with warmth): We are the same age, Yash.

YAKOV (incredulously): Don't lie!

VALENTIN (with warmth): Well, almost one. She is younger by a couple of years, but what does this change?

YAKOV (incredulously): Yes, she looks twenty years younger than me, and we are the same age! However… to tell the truth, you yourself look younger than your years… either I'm older than my own…

VALENTIN (with warmth): Just a happy woman always looks great. A happy woman has no age. She is always young, fresh, energetic and attractive.

Yakov scratches the back of his head.

YAKOV (sadly): What a day it is for such a day! Some disorders. First, I spent twice as much money on a gift as I planned, then I had a fight with my wife, now I've met you with your beautiful Alla – I don't want to live at all now!

The beautiful Alla comes on the stage. She does not come close, she makes herself felt from afar to her husband. He notices her, gets up from the bench.

VALENTIN (cheerfully): So! Yasha, give it to me… Cheer up and smile! You're going to your mom's birthday party. Leave all your worries on this bench. Get up and go celebrate, and tomorrow let's meet you and me in that (pointing to a cafe somewhere there) cafe, say at one o'clock! I think I understand what's going on, there are thoughts on how you can sort everything out. Tomorrow is a day off, can you come up?

YAKOV (sadly, looking towards the cafe): Per hour?

VALENTIN (cheerfully): Aha!

YAKOV (doomed, on an exhalation): Ah…, I can.

VALENTIN (cheerfully): Well, that's it, then, it's done, so until tomorrow?

Yakov gets up, the friends shake hands with each other. Valentin goes to Alla, Alla nods goodbye to Yakov and waves to him with a pen. Yakov nods to her in response, they disperse.

Valentin and Alla leave the stage, holding the handle. They are good together.

Yakov turns around, looks after the departing couple.

YAKOV (openly envious): Dddaaaa…

ZTM.

2 Visiting my mother

Mom's apartment.

A cozy, modest home of the average Russian pensioner.

Aurora Moiseevna is busy with the housework, a little nervous. The small table has been set for a long time, there are no guests, she alone puts the room in order, puts the final touches so that everything is decorous and noble.

Yakov enters the apartment.

YAKOV (not too festive, more businesslike): Hey, Mom. Happy Birthday to you.

Aurora Moiseevna turns at her son's voice.

AURORA MOISEEVNA (delighted, but a little nervous): Hello, my son. Thanks. Why didn't we go for so long? Why one? Where is Susanna?

YAKOV (calmly): We had a fight…, a little.

AURORA MOISEEVNA (restrained): Because of what?

YAKOV (undressing): Because of whom!

AURORA MOISEEVNA (restrained): Because of me?

YAKOV (passing by, passing a package with a gift): Well… in a way. Here's a gift, here, and there's something for the table. Happy holidays, Mom!

He kisses his mother on the cheek, hugs her, goes to the table.

Mom is upset, she is not up to a gift, she puts the package aside without looking at it.

AURORA MOISEEVNA (in frustration): Thank you, of course, but… Wait a minute. Like in some way? What happened, Yasha?

YAKOV (carefully examining the table, taking aim at what is tastier): Mom, what are you doing?.. like a little girl, by God. You don't like her yourself, and it shows. What is not the reason for the quarrel?

AURORA MOISEEVNA (busily): I'm your mother! My status is supposed to dislike your chosen one, no matter what she is. But this does not give me the right not to respect your choice! And mind you, I have never allowed myself to reproach you for your choice. Yes, I don't like Susanna. I don't like a lot of things about her, but I am aware that she lived in a completely different family, she had completely different ways of life and established views on life. I don't understand how a woman can sleep until eight in the morning, I was taught that you need to get up at six and prepare everything for breakfast for your husband and child. I do not understand why, with a living and healthy hostess, the house is constantly in a mess, dust and dirty dishes. I basically do not understand the passion for entertainment in clubs and restaurants. For me, the age of dancing and a light, reckless, carefree life should end on the same day when a marriage stamp is put in the passport! Your chosen one likes to go to clubs. For corporate parties or there, for a friend's birthday. In fairness, I must say that now I seem to have settled down, and before I often walked and had fun. I didn't like a lot of things and I don't like them, and I'm sorry, but I can't force myself to love your Susanna. And I don't want to!

YAKOV (calmly): Here!

AURORA MOISEEVNA (busily): But! With all this, I do not interfere in your life. Or at least I'm trying to stay out of it! It seems to turn out…

YAKOV (with doubt): Yes, not really …

AURORA MOISEEVNA( with interest): Well? What did I do wrong again?

Yakov glances at his mother, starts eating, invites the hero of the occasion to the table. The mother reluctantly sits down next to her, supports the meal symbolically, looks with interest at her son.

YAKOV (trying to change the subject): Where are your friends? Why is there no one here? Or did you just invite us?

AURORA MOISEEVNA (suspiciously): Yes, there were friends, they have already left. I specifically invited them three hours earlier. To make everyone feel comfortable. Again, I thought about you and Susanna. And you're talking… In general, do not talk my teeth. Tell me, what happened with you?

YAKOV (eating and answering the question): Well… at first, she took a long time to get ready. Something got stuck, something kept pulling the rubber. And you know how much I hate waiting, right?

AURORA MOISEEVNA (approvingly): I know! No one likes it.

YAKOV (eating and answering the question): You know. And my wife knows perfectly well. Not once was she told to be faster. And everything is like peas against the wall. Or maybe she's deliberately making me angry every time, trying to annoy me… Don't know. But, in general, until she tried on her entire wardrobe, she did not calm down. I finally chose something! I had already called out to heaven with gratitude, but then she remembered that she urgently needed to send some report that she forgot to send yesterday. Well, God be with him, it's a matter of a minute whether it's a long time to send a file by e-mail. Well, wherever there is… I sat down to send it, chatted with a friend. Word for word, I'm already all over it… Went out, in general. I point at my watch, twirl my finger at my temple, and she waves at me, saying, now-now. They came out later, of course. Then there was a queue at the checkout in the store, but she also forgot something there, she had to go back. In general, word for word. She freaked out and ran away. And here I am. And happy birthday to you for the third time. That's it!

Yakov defiantly throws something from the table into his mouth, at the end of his story. He has spoken out, he feels good, he tastes good, life goes on.

But the mother is sitting in a misunderstanding.

AURORA MOISEEVNA (questioningly): Well…?

YAKOV (sincerely not understanding): Well, what?

AURORA MOISEEVNA (inquiringly): Well, so, what does it have to do with me?

YAKOV (sincerely indignant): How does this have anything to do with it? Were you in a hurry for your birthday?

AURORA MOISEEVNA (relieved): Oh…, well, yes. I presented it here, so I presented it. You can't get away with it. My fault, I admit. I repent. I'm a bad mother-in-law. Look what you've decided… She took it into her head to celebrate her birthday, which called into question a strong, cohesive, reliable and unbreakable marriage like the army of the Vatican.

YAKOV (appreciating the sarcasm): Come on. There will be irony. Well, of course, everything I've told you is just the consequences. And the source of ignition of emotional and psychological processes began even before that, on the eve of today's visit. She doesn't want to come to you. So he comes up with various scandals. So he tries to create situations in which we will inevitably quarrel. I understand all this. I endure – I endure, but my patience is not unlimited.

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