The Maiden Forest
A play in two acts
Maxim Titovets

© Maxim Titovets, 2021

ISBN 978-5-0055-5702-5

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

www.maximtitovets.com

maxtitovets@mail.ru

Dedicated to

Vasily Radchenko, Anastasia Semenova.

Cover by Andrey Klimak.

Translated by Ekaterina Zudova.

«Envy is a time bomb. There is no such thing as unfortunate love since only lack of love can be unfortunate. You can’t be really happy unless you love and are loved in return.» The Maiden Forest, Maxim Titovets, 2019.

Maxim Titovets
THE MAIDEN FOREST

A PLAY IN TWO ACTS

CHARACTERS

Fyodor Kolosov, 57
Artyom Kolosov (Jacket), his stepson, 29
Alexey Khromov, 55
Veniamin (Venya) Frostin, 54
Tatyana Yaseneva, pediatrician, 34
Ignatych, retired Kolosov’s neighbor
Chopper, unknown age
Ivan Rybin (Moray), Artyom’s former classmate, 30
Slav, 30—35
Natalia, about 27
Khlora, 23
Local police officer, hunters, and others

The action takes place in Russia.

ACT I

Scene 1

June. Pentecost.

Early morning. Fyodor Kolosov’s summer cottage in the Maiden Forest settlement.

In the center of the stage is an open-air summer terrace with a wooden table, a bench, and several chairs. The front lawn is covered in grass. There is a flowerbed. On the left, there is an old apple tree and high fence with a gate, the exit into the street. Fyodor’s two-story house is on the right. A paved path runs from the porch. A carved wooden signpost stands near the path featuring the following signs: «Banya – 12 meters», «Water well – 15 meters», «New York – 8,321 km», «Tokyo – 6,132 km». A birch grove can be seen in the background.

Tatyana leaves Fyodor’s house. She comes up to the gate, turns around, and looks at the house, tidying up her hair. Fyodor opens a window on the first floor. Tatyana waves at him and leaves through the gate.

Fyodor leaves the window wings a little ajar and goes out on the porch. He is bare-chested and strongly built. He comes up to the washstand near the gazebo, humming an unsophisticated melody, washes his face and hands, grunts loudly. Then he takes a towel off the hook and wipes his face, chest, shoulders, and back. He puts the towel back. He does some morning exercises as he is going back inside.

Venya and Alexey walk up to the gate. Venya wears a trendy T-shirt with a print, a lightweight jacket, and jeans. A small bright backpack is slung over his one shoulder. Alexey is dressed in a decent-looking summer suit, with a hat on his head. He carries a small traveling bag.

Venya. He put up a new fence. How can I even get it open? [He keeps charging at the gate but cannot open it.] Alexey, give me a hand!

Alexey. Hang tight, Veniamin. [He gently pulls the gate open and lets Venya inside.]

Venya. Mer-see boh-koo, mon amee.

Alexey. Move it, Frenchman. I’m famished.

Venya. There, what did I tell you? We should have taken some sandwiches with us!

Alexey. So why haven’t you?

Venya. I didn’t feel like bothering with it. [He gets an apple out of his backpack and a penknife from his pocket, cuts the apple in two, pockets the knife again, and offers half an apple to Alexey.] Help yourself.

Alexey. Meat is what I want.

Venya. Fyodor must be cooking breakfast for us. [He takes out a mobile phone and presses the call button.] Hi, mom. We are here. Yes, everything is as planned. Love you.

Alexey. Lizaveta Nikitichna must be worried about her sonny Venya.

Venya. Oh, come on, give it a rest. She asked me to phone her when we arrive.

Alexey. And why did we have to come here so early in the first place?

Venya. The early bird gets the worm.

Alexey. But it’s the second mouse who gets the cheese.

They approach the front door. Venya is munching on his apple. He tries to get inside but Alexey holds him back.

Venya. What’s up?

Alexey. Let’s knock on the window first.

Venya. Why bother?

Alexey. What if he is with a woman?

Venya. My foot!

Alexey. Just to be on the safe side, Venya.

Venya. Our Fyodor lives a hermit monk’s life.

Alexey. [Giving Venya a shove and forcing him downstairs.] «Peace, peace, Mercutio, peace. Thou talk’st of nothing…»

Venya comes down from the porch, steps up to the window, and taps on the glass with his knuckles.

Venya. Anybody home?

Fyodor opens the front door and goes out on the porch. He is dressed in a striped vest and holds an electric shaver in his hand.

Fyodor. What’s up with you, fellas? The door is open.

Alexey. Hi there, Fyodor.

Fyodor. Alexey, what’s new? [They hug.]

Venya. Ah, we knocked just to be on the safe side. What if you are with a lady? [He sneaks a glance over Fyodor’s shoulder, trying to see if someone else is inside.]

Fyodor. A lady from Haiti! Fiction-mongers. [He puts the shaver away.]

Venya. Feeling funny in the morning.

Alexey. You’re just hungry, I guess.

Venya. We had a three mile foot-slog. Je ne mange pas six jours!

Fyodor [To Alexey.] Where is your driver?

Alexey. I gave him a day off. This proletarian had an urge to get here today by a suburban train.

Venya. You should be a man of the people, Mister Former Deputy.

Alexey. Eat your heart out, Comrade Former Komsomol Leader. Your time is over.

Venya. Mon tam viend-rah!

Alexey. I doubt even a French teacher can help him.

Fyodor. Enough of this dogfight, fellas. Break! Let’s get some breakfast.

Venya. He keeps teasing me! About the teacher. Maybe I would like to marry a rich French madame?

Alexey. A bloody bridegroom…

Venya. Opportunist!

Alexey. Look at a conformist’s talking.

As the three of them get to the house porch, Natalia approaches the gate.

Venya. Oh wow! Heave ho! Jiggers, fellas.

Alexey. Who is she?

Venya. Some pretty young lady.

Fyodor. Hold on a sec. We’re going to figure it out.

Natalia. You don’t have a dog, do you? I’ll drop in. [She enters Fyodor’s garden plot and approaches the house.] Morning.

Fyodor. Hello there!

Venya. Bon-zhoor!

Natalia. Good morning. [She nods to Alexey and Veniamin, they bow to her, both pleased as dogs with two tails.] I am sorry to come so early in the morning. Hope I don’t disturb you.

Alexey. We are in the Maiden Forest, after all. Beautiful ladies are always welcome!

Natalia. Thank you. My name is Natalia.

Fyodor. Nice to meet you, Natalia. I am Fyodor. And these are my friends. [Nodding at Venya and Alexey.] Alexey Khromov and Veniamin… What is your last name, Venya?

Venya. Veniamin Frostin. [He holds out his hand to Natalia, she gives it a shake.] Enchanté, Natalia.

Fyodor. Veniamin… oh dear.

Alexey. Nice to meet you, Natalia. [He gently pushes Venya aside and holds out his hand to Natalia, she shakes it as well.]

Natalia. Oh. So much attention. You’re making me blush.

Fyodor. We do love guests.

Alexey. Your face seems somehow very familiar.

Natalia. You are mistaken, Alexey. We have never met before.

Fyodor. Natalia, what brings you to my humble dwelling today?

Venya. Kes-keu-seh?

Natalia. My female friend and I are going to the Sunny Beach Recreation Center. GPS navigator showed the shortest route which runs through your settlement.

Fyodor. So, you came here with a friend?

Alexey and Venya exchange meaningful glances and say in unison:

Venya, Alexey. And where is she?

Natalia. She is in the car.

Alexey. Curious.

Natalia. Our car got a flat. We tried to pump the tire up with a compressor but failed.

Venya. It might have been punctured.

Fyodor. Have you got a spare?

Natalia. We can’t get it out.

Fyodor. Well, this can be easily mended. Fellas, go eat your breakfast while I have a look.

Alexey. Yeah, right. Just for the record, Natalia, in my younger days, after I left the army, I had spent two years working in a tire shop.

Natalia. You can call me Natasha.

Alexey. And you can call me Alexey. Where is your car?

Natalia. Around the corner. In the next street.

Venya. I’ll come with you!

Fyodor. What would we do without you?

Alexey. Venya is notorious for being a bungler.

Venya. Natalia, everything will be treh bi-ahn! [He takes off his backpack, casually throws it on the bench in the gazebo, and gestures to the gate, asking Natalia to follow.]

Fyodor, Natalia, and Venya head towards the exit into the street.

Alexey. Fyodor, where can I put my things? [Nodding at his traveling bag.]

Fyodor. Bring them in. There is no one around.

Alexey enters the house and almost immediately appears again, without his traveling bag and jacket, rolling up his shirt sleeves. Fyodor, Venya, and Natalia wait for Alexey by the gate. Then all of them go outside.

Alexey. Let’s go. Natasha, show us the way.

Venya. Let me share a joke. A while back Chapayev and Petka were crossing the Israeli border…

The four of them leave.

As soon as they pass out of sight, Moray and Artyom appear on the other side of the street. They approach the gate and pass through it. Moray keeps watch at the gate. Artyom quickly approaches the house, enters by the unlocked door. He spends some time inside, then goes out with a cased hunting rifle in his hands and a box of bullets in the welt pocket of his jacket and comes back to the gate.

Moray. Nicely done, Jacket!

Artyom. Keep under the radar, Moray.

Artyom and Moray go off in the same direction they came from.

Scene 2

The same morning. Moray’s house next street from Fyodor’s house.

Chopper is sitting in an armchair and fiddling around with an old mobile phone.

Chopper [Pressing the call button.] Karen! Everyone is in place. Wait for the signal at midnight.

Slav enters. Chopper stops the call.

Slav. Chopper, all right. The old geezers departed. Jacket and Moray went inside.

Chopper. Few surprises there. Natasha is the best drink-spiker on the block.

Slav. Yeah, this bitch knows how to wrap men around her finger!

Chopper. You bet!

Slav. Why would we even need this rifle?

Chopper. It is Frost’s order. It has to be done.

Slav. And what if Kolosov realizes?

Chopper. I don’t want him to bang away at us when we pull off the job.

Slav. [Opening the furnace door and throwing more birch logs on the fire.] Damned moisture.

Pause.

Slav. We have been stranded here all night. Whose digs are these?

Chopper. It is Moray’s house. It was passed down to him from his folks.

Slav. They must have died a long time ago. [He takes an old photograph off the table and reads the text on the reverse side of it.] «August. 1997. I sought my love in the maiden forest. With a mocking singer, I spent the night in a stack…» [He takes out a lighter, sets the photograph on fire, and throws it on a plate lying on the table]. My father got a garden plot here as well. But this drunkard never built anything there. The land went for nothing.

Chopper. A man only seeks for happiness but never has it. And it doesn’t even exist. Slav!

Slav. Eh?

Chopper. Try it on. It’s just your size. [He throws a parcel with clothes to Slav.]

Slav unwraps the parcel.

Slav. You can’t be serious, Chopper…

Chopper. A must is a must. It’s gonna get hairy at night.

Slav changes into the police uniform, puts on the peaked cap, and puts steel handcuffs into his pocket.

Slav. I look nothing like a cop.

Chopper. We are going to check it soon.

Slav. Jacket and Moray… I don’t like these two. How come Frost knows them?

Chopper. It’s none of your affairs. Frost vouched for them.

Slav. The chumps will get off as soon as it hits the fan. You and I are sticking our necks out.

Chopper. Relax. Jacket and Kolosov are settling their personal scores.

Slav. Is it true that they are related?

Chopper. Kolosov is his stepfather. It was he who got Jacket and Moray arrested for drugs a few years ago.

Slav. What a nasty son of a bitch.

Chopper. Jacket had spent four years in jail. Meanwhile, his mother died.

Slav. The fellow had damned bad luck.

Chopper. Kolosov buried Jacket’s mother and got his grubby hands on the icon collection her granddad left to her.

Slav. How much money did Kolosov make on it?

Chopper. When Perestroika began, profiteers bid a four-room apartment in Moscow for those icons.

Slav. [Whistling.] And where is this collection now? [Opening the door of a wardrobe and groping around inside.]

Chopper. In the old Kolosov’s apartment. The roost is alarmed. We are going to find out the password and take the icons without a big fuss. Karen the cracksman is already there.

Artyom with the uncased rifle and Moray enter. Slav closes the wardrobe door, Artyom and Moray notice him.

Moray. Jiggers! Cops! [He takes off towards the exit, stumbles, and falls. Then he sees that Artyom and Chopper don’t run away and keeps sitting by the door.]

Chopper. [Giving a laugh and coughing.] You do! You do look like a cop, Slav.

Scene 3

Midday. The stage setting is the same as in Scene 1.

Fyodor is sitting on the terrace. Some light snacks are served on the table. Venya leaves the house.

Venya. I might have just dropped and broken a mug from your collection. [He shows a jug with a broken handle to Fyodor.]

Fyodor. Venya, don’t sweat it. It’s a cheapie.

Venya. Looks pretty.

Fyodor. It’s a replica of an Infantry reservist jug. I’ve never even drunk from the original one myself, put it on to a shelf.

Venya. It’s a shame anyway.

Fyodor. Put it on the table. You’re going to hurt yourself.

Venya. [Carefully putting the broken jug on the table.] You have some beautiful icons inside. Are those the ones from your collection?

Fyodor. Those are copies, Venya. The collection itself is kept in safety, alarmed.

Venya. Gotcha. I figured as much.

Pause.

Venya. How can Alexey take a steam bath so early in the morning?

Fyodor. He is used to it. Has a healthy heart.

Venya. I can’t stand this humidity. My Zodiac is a fire sign. [He sits down at the table.]

Fyodor. A fire sign? Do you believe in astrology now, Venya? Does your spiritual father approve?

Venya. You know, priests and devils, they both seem the same to me as of late. I am sick of theorizing. I’m letting my hair down. First-hand experience is priceless.

Fyodor. It’s only a shame that we have to pay for this experience with our health, youth, and nerves.

Pause.

Venya. The whole life is a nasty joke. A friend of mine once came home from a business trip only to find his young wife in bed with her lover. «What are you doing here?!» The cuckold shrieked. «There you go,» his wife said to her lover. «I did tell you that my husband is an idiot.»

Alexey, fresh-faced after bathing and wrapped up in a bathrobe, comes out of the banya behind the house and walks along the path towards them.

Alexey. You’re telling Fyodor about Galina, your third wife, aren’t you? [Coming up to the table and noticing the broken jug.] Who smashed such a cool jug? Ah! I seem to know the answer.

Venya. It is because of men like you, pampered sticklers for cleanliness, that wives deceive their husbands!

Venya stands up, takes the broken jug, and goes inside. Alexey laughs after him.

Fyodor. Alexey, leave him alone, for Heaven’s sake.

Alexey. Venya is a bungler and loser. It’s a fact.

Fyodor. Veniamin never had luck with women. He is suffering, poor wretch.

Alexey. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Fyodor. It’s baloney! Dogs can learn at any age, especially when they are hungry.

Alexey. Have you heard the news? Venya even took a life-couching course.

Fyodor. He asked me to join him too. Positive thinking is in fashion now.

Alexey. These shamanic dances are just like drugs.

Fyodor. Everybody’s got to make a living.

Alexey. Some mysterious forces crank out these smooth-talking shamans who brainwash the common people. They create a temporary illusion of inner peace and self-confidence, get the gullible idiots motivated. They fill the hearts of losers like Venya with joy and their lives with struggles. This irrational joy and faith in the glorious future can later play a dirty trick and make their lives miserable.

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