Ms. Prime Minister
Danny Osipenko

© Danny Osipenko, 2022

ISBN 978-5-0056-1730-9

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

Ms. Prime Minister

Chapter 1

– The devil dared me to climb up here,» Kate grumbled, struggling through the rubble of stone in this strange cave. Violet light flickered across the walls, and something whistled behind her. It was as if the unpleasant place was trying to mesmerize the girl and keep her from going forward. A glimmer of light flickered ahead, and this gave her some hope. At last the walls of the cave parted, and the sun dazzled her eyes. Kate involuntarily squeezed her eyes shut, and after a second she looked around.

Below lay a picturesque emerald valley. The town at the foot of the mountain was buried in greenery. «Where had everyone gone? They’re not here, either…» – Kate thought as she stood under the stone archway of the cave, breathing in the scent of grass and listening to the birds sing. Climbing back into the dark hole, Kate decided to wait for her tour group at the exit. In her opinion, all paths led here.

In the meantime, thirst began to overcome her. The traveler looked attentively at the foot of the mountain. Some red car was crossing the highway, and she ducked into the green at one end and popped out the other a minute later.

– Gotta go… have a drink in the settlement and back…» Kate said to herself, talking to herself out loud, as usual. She carefully assessed the state of her clothes, and suddenly exclaimed:

– Shit! The jeans are ripped… damn the fucking rocks in this fucking cave!

And the white T-shirt, soaked with dust, had turned gray.

But what to do: she was thirsty… So Kate moved down the slope, avoiding the huge boulders. Fifteen minutes later she reached the highway. The smell of sun-heated asphalt intoxicated her. «Civilization at last!» – Kate said aloud. She headed toward the township. Birds were chirping overhead, grasshoppers were chirping in the grass, and the warm air seemed to be filled with the scents of all the herbs in the world.

Entering the town, Kate found herself in the shade of sprawling chestnut trees. Behind their trunks she could see pretty cottages. Kate turned her head, looking at the unfamiliar settlement with interest. A two-story log house, with peeling paint, caught her attention. A light breeze swayed the open door with a creak. This house seemed more democratic to Kate than the rich cottages with manicured lawns. Like any self-respecting girl, Kate was complexed about her untidy appearance, and she was just embarrassed to go to an elite house and fetch water in such a shabby state. She thought, «This is where I’ll ask for a drink.

Kate climbed the creaking stairs to the second floor and found herself in a large room filled with cabinets of papers. In the center stood a heavy oak table with telephones. On the whole, it would have looked like a mid-twentieth century office if it hadn’t been for the computer nestled in the corner of the desk and the TV set next to the wall.

Kate did not immediately notice a man squatting in front of one of the cupboards. Noticing his guest, the stranger stood up, holding a folder of papers in his hands, took off his glasses and looked at Kate with interest. Appreciating his gray disheveled, long curly hair, the girl for some reason thought, «Well, just like Beethoven!» Always confident, stylish brunette with brown eyes, under this look did not feel very comfortable. Pulling her head into her shoulders, Kate looked at the stranger from under her thick, long bangs, he finally broke the silence:

– Young lady, are you here to see me?

His voice was quite pleasant. Kate indefinitely shrugged her shoulders.

– You must be a foreigner,“ the man continued, „I noticed that you do not look like ours.

The stranger’s friendly tone reassured Kate, she said confusedly:

– Yes, I guess…

– Well, fine, have a seat, – the man pointed to a chair, – you must be on business?

– Sorry, I was just passing by…

– It’s all right, I’m glad to have guests,“ the master of the house straightened up and solemnly proclaimed, „at your service the President of Viplandia.

«Good thing it’s not Napoleon,» – Kate thought, she decided not to argue with the stranger and run away quickly, but she was terribly thirsty.

The phone rang on the table, and the President picked it up:

– I’m listening… right now…“ hanging up, the President turned to Kate, „I have to leave you for a while, here, watch TV.

Kate looked at the owner of the cabinet, poured water from the decanter into the glass and greedily drank it, and only then looked at the screen. There was a news program on. After a minute Kate caught herself thinking that she hadn’t heard the name of any familiar country, hadn’t seen any well-known political figure. Finally, the announcement of the president of Wypland was announced, and her recent interlocutor appeared on the screen, surrounded by many microphones. He said something about the strengthening of the fight against smuggling, but Kate wasn’t listening to him anymore, she was dumbfounded by the information that had fallen on her. Her bewildered gaze stumbled upon the map of the world hanging on the wall. The outlines of the continents, completely unfamiliar, shocked her. On cotton legs Kate approached the map – Russia was not there. Not only that, in its place was the ocean blue.

Kate hobbled back and plunged into the president’s chair:

– It can’t be,“ she murmured, and fragments of thoughts lingered in her head, finally forming into the final conclusion, „this is not a dream… the cave… yes, the cave… it’s another world… in the cave is a portal… back to the cave, run!.. though, why?.. it’s interesting, and the cave is not going anywhere… no-no, I’ll stay here for now…

Her thoughts were interrupted by the President, who burst into the room like a whirlwind. He was humming something to himself, and apparently in the best of moods.

– I’ve got them through! – the President exclaimed, «I got my bill through the Parliament!

The President laughed wildly, ruffled his gray hair, ran to the refrigerator, took out a bottle of champagne, uncorked it with a bang and poured the contents into two tall crystal flutes.

Kate shrugged and took one of them.

– To democracy! – exclaimed the President.

– Here’s to it! – Kate supported him.

They drank together. The President sank heavily into the chair in front of his guest and said tiredly:

– Can you imagine, I survived the fight with the parliament!

– Congratulations,» Kate answered in tone with him.

– You know, we haven’t even met yet,» remarked the President.

– My name is Kate.

– And me…“ The president hesitated, „I’ve been reelected so many times… but who cares… just call me the president.

– Okay, I’ll call you President,» she agreed.

– Well, where are you from?

– I’m from Russia, – Kate answered and immediately regretted it, as the interlocutor strained his forehead, apparently remembering where that country was. Finally, sighing, he uttered:

– Sorry, I can’t remember, it must be a very small country, like ours…

– Yes, it’s only a hundred and fifty million people.

The president laughed, taking it as a joke, then he looked closely at Kate and said:

– Everyone who comes to us is welcome, and are you a tourist?

– No, I’m more of a free traveler,» replied Kate, smiling.

– Well, that’s wonderful! – exclaimed the President, «We’ve been waiting for someone new, wouldn’t you like to head our Cabinet of Ministers?

– Me?“ Kate was taken aback, „but I somehow…

– Don’t be afraid, – the President went on, – don’t be surprised, for everyone is afraid of responsibility, we have four ministers and no Prime Minister, and I know that you can manage it, though you are very young, by the way, how old are you?

– Nineteen.

– Um…“ said the President, thinking for a moment, before continuing, „you see, our laws say that a Viplandian, who must be twenty-one, may be Prime Minister, but that’s all right.

– And I don’t know how,» Kate resisted weakly.

– Now…“ The President picked up the phone and dialed, „I want the Chief Justice, urgently!

– Oh, I’m afraid I won’t be able to,» Kate tried to deny it.

– You know, Kate, – the President sighed heavily, somehow he sank back in his chair, and even imperceptibly sobbed, – I have a daughter just like you… the same bangs… the same plaits… she dyed her hair black, said she was a Goth… went to parties at the cemetery, and then ran off with a musician abroad, and hasn’t been heard from again for a year.

After these words Kate could hardly hold back her tears, she felt terribly sorry for the good old man. She stood up and said:

– All right, I will be Prime Minister, and I will find your daughter! I promise!

Chapter 2

A fat man, as important as a penguin, entered the room. His sideburns jutted to the sides with dignity, his three chins shaking in time with his steps. He stopped and, lifting the first chin, exclaimed:

– The President of the Supreme Court has arrived at your behest!

– Well, here’s the thing,“ the President began, „a certain legal conflict has arisen…

– I am aware of it,» said the President calmly.

– What do you mean by that? – The President was indignant, – are you eavesdropping on me?

– It was the chief intelligence officer,“ the judge excused himself, „he said it was for your own safety…

– Take it all away at once,» said the president, and at once the men in black turtlenecks burst into the room, pulling the bugs out of every conceivable and inconceivable place.

– You see, they are too wild,“ the President said to Kate, „they eavesdrop on their breadwinner, and where did they get this silly fashion and these silly black turtlenecks from, in summer the whole country wears T-shirts and shorts, and they wear turtlenecks!

– The uniform of the special services has been approved by you,“ said the Chairman of the Supreme Court, „in autumn they will be provided with protective raincoats, and in winter…

– Enough! – The President interrupted him, – what will you say on this question, now that you are aware of it?

– I have the following to say on the subject,“ the judge looked up at the ceiling, „To change the law is to get it through Parliament, it’s easier to give her a Wyplandia passport with the proper age.

– Now that’s a case,“ the President patted him on the shoulder, „how much time do you need?

– Two days.

– Thirty minutes.

– That’s good.

– You see who we have to work with, – said the President when everyone had gone, – they’re already on their necks, I hope you’ll build them, I’m already old… I’m in my eighth term of presidency.

– Never mind, we’ll build them,» Kate assured him, smiling enigmatically.

The President laughed, hugged her and kissed her on the forehead.

****

Thirty minutes later the Chairman of the Supreme Court entered the room, carrying on a tray a passport and a certificate of the Prime Minister. Kate solemnly accepted all these documents, opened the passport and whistled in surprise.

– When did you have time to take my picture? – she exclaimed.

– It was the Chief of Intelligence, the camera worked at the entrance to the Presidential Palace, – said the Chairman nonchalantly, – and then they corrected it on the computer, in my opinion it turned out well.

– Next time tell me, – said Kate, – that I should at least comb my hair… and what kind of name is this – Catarina de Ross?

– I think it sounds good!

– Why, can I give orders now?

– According to the Constitution, you only answer to the President.

– Well, now hold on! – Kate said ominously, – he made a fool of himself, he made my hair look so stupid in the picture on my ID card… I’ll fire all the computer guys!

– Go get them! – The President laughed, – go ahead, Iron Lady, I didn’t even expect you to be so quick.

– You know, – said Kate, – I already like being the Prime Minister in advance…

– You bet you do…“ The President didn’t stop laughing, „Come on, I’ll introduce you to the bodyguard, we’ll have one for the two of us… as well as the limousine.

They left the Presidential Palace and approached the garage, which was locked. The president looked around puzzled and muttered: «Where in the world is he?». The bodyguard was found in the backyard, in a hammock, between two towering willows on the bank of a picturesque pond. He was snoring frankly, scaring away the butterflies that tried to sit on his nose.

– Dick, get up! – commanded the president.

The bodyguard twitched and fell out of the hammock. The president and Kate laughed involuntarily. The appearance of the red-haired, fat, good-natured lout did not tie in with the image of a formidable guard.

– Sorry, Mr. President, – he muttered, rising to his full height and shoving the holster with his pistol under his arm, – I did not sleep well.

– Well…“ the president, condescendingly, clapped him on the shoulder, „meet our new Prime Minister, this is Catarina, you will guard her too.

– Nice to meet you, Your Excellency, – Dick grumbled reluctantly, then he suddenly brightened up and exclaimed, – so now my salary will also be doubled?

– The question of salary we will settle, – assured him the President – and now, you will show Prime Minister his apartment, take him to the supermarket, and in general, help to settle in, by the way…

The President took out from his jacket pocket a weighty bundle of bills and handed it to Kate.

– Here are five thousand dorels, it’s a kind of advance payment, you can sign the receipt later.

– Is it much? – Kate asked.

– The Premier’s salary is ten thousand, and for thirty thousand you can buy a decent jeep.

– That’s not bad.

– Now, I’m entrusting you to Dick, and we’ll talk about it tomorrow, but now get settled in.

Chapter 3

The residence of the Prime Minister was a small modern cottage across the street from the «presidential palace». Kate carefully inspected her new place of residence and was quite satisfied. Everything she needed, including the computer, air conditioner, television, microwave, dishwasher, everything was in perfect order. Pulling the covers off the chairs, Kate involuntarily sneezed at the rising dust.

– We could get a cleaner,» Dick remarked.

– That’s all right, I’ll do it myself,“ Kate replied, „but now, let’s go to the store, I need to buy at least a toothbrush.

– Maybe we can get a limousine?» suggested the guard.

– Is it far?

– No, four hundred meters.

– Yes, let’s walk, I at least look around.

– As you wish…

Mysteriously, the «toothbrush» turned into two huge shopping bags, which the security guard dragged with difficulty behind Kate. She strutted up front in her new black short dress. Her stiletto-heeled model shoes clattered on the pavement.

– You know, Dick,“ Kate reasoned, puffing on her cigarette, „you can live here. I only spent two thousand and a half… and I got my groceries and my clothes.

– Well, well! – The guard was nodding his head in agreement, breathing heavily.

– I think I’ll stay here for a while.

At last they reached the house. Dick dumped the packages on the couch with a sigh of relief.

– Do I owe you a tip or something? – Kate asked.

– No,“ said the bodyguard firmly, „maybe a cup of coffee.

– And what about a can of beer?

– I would be honored! – The guard replied solemnly.

Then they sat for a long time, sipping beer and then whiskey. Dick loosened his tongue, and he told Kate many interesting things. The country, as it turned out, stretched forty kilometers long and fifteen kilometers wide, in a valley between two low mountain ranges, beyond which lay the two great countries of Lämpia and Furland.

– These two countries are in constant conflict,“ said Dick, „and we’re in between them… And at the slightest sign they shoot each other with cruise missiles… if you only knew, Madam DeRoss, how we were tired of it all… And that silly smuggler is muddying the waters…

– Which one is that?

– «I’d have shot the bastard, I swear to God,» said Dick.

– Still,» Kate interrupted him, but the guard stood up resolutely and headed for the exit.

– Dick, will you walk?“ Kate asked sympathetically, „maybe a cab?

– No need, I’m not far from here…

– Well, see you tomorrow…

– Tomorrow I’ll take you for a ride in a limousine, you’ll see for yourself,» Dick assured Kate.

– Thank you! – she sincerely thanked him.

Kate returned to the living room and pulled off her dress, her gaze accidentally falling on the corner of the ceiling, where the lens of the TV camera glittered.

– Well, this is too much! – she was indignant, – come here, Chief of Intelligence, you can hear me, right?!

A minute later there was a knock at the door, and Kate, in her robe, opened the door. On the threshold stood the chief spy.

– We beg of you,“ he murmured, „keep undressing.

At last, having come to her senses, she screamed:

– Get all your fucking bugs out of the house! If I find one, I’ll kick it the hell out!

The same faceless men in black turtlenecks ran into the house, armed with screwdrivers and pliers, they began to dismantle the TV cameras and take out the «bugs. Kate, in an open robe, showing only her translucent underwear, rushed between them, shouting at the slowest ones. It was obvious that the guys are not in a hurry to do their job… Kate suddenly realized why. She blushed, wrapped her robe and sat down on the sofa.

– Everything is cleaned! – Reported the head of intelligence.

– Watch it with me! – Kate threatened him, «All of you, get out!

***

When Kate went out in the morning to the backyard, she was surprised to find a gorgeous pool filled with inviting azure water. Without thinking, she threw off her robe and plunged into the life-giving water.

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