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Virginia Woolf
To the Lighthouse

I. The Window

1

“Yes, of course, if it’s fine tomorrow[1],” said Mrs. Ramsay. “But you’ll have to get up early,” she added.

To her son these words conveyed an extraordinary joy. Even at the age of six, James Ramsay even in earliest childhood had the power to crystallize and transfix the moment of gloom or radiance into a feeling. He was sitting on the floor and cutting out pictures from the illustrated catalogue of the Army and Navy stores. The wheelbarrow, the lawnmower, the trees, the leaves before rain, rooks, brooms, dresses, – all these were coloured and distinguished in his mind.

“But,” said his father, “it won’t be fine.”

James was ready to gash a hole in his father’s breast and kill him. Mr. Ramsay annoyed his children very much by his mere presence. He liked to disillusion his son and cast ridicule upon his wife, who was ten thousand times better in every way than he was (James thought). What he said was true. It was always true. He was incapable of untruth.

“But it may be fine – I expect it will be fine,” said Mrs. Ramsay.

She was knitting the reddish brown stocking. If she finishes it tonight, if they go to the Lighthouse after all, she will give the stockings to the Lighthouse keeper for his little boy. She will add a pile of old magazines, and some tobacco. Those poor fellows must be bored to death.

“It’s due west[2],” said the atheist Tansley.

That is to say, the wind blew from the worst possible direction for landing at the Lighthouse.

Tansley says disagreeable things, as usual. None of her children liked him and still, Mrs. Ramsay invited him to stay with them in the Isle of Skye and protected him from their attacks.

There must be some simpler way, some less laborious way, she sighed. She looked in the glass and saw her hair grey, her cheek sunk, at fifty. In all probability, there were ways in which she could manage things better: for her husband and for her children. But for her own part[3] she would never for a single second regret her decision.

“We’ll not land at the Lighthouse tomorrow,” said Charles Tansley.

He clapped his hands together as he stood at the window with her husband. Surely, he had said enough. She looked at him. He was miserable, the children said. He couldn’t play cricket; he poked; he shuffled. He was a sarcastic brute, Andrew said.

It was not his face; it was not his manners. It was him – his point of view. When they talked about something interesting, people, music, history, anything, Charles Tansley would always turn it into a talk about himself.

When the meal was over, the eight sons and daughters of Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay went to their bedrooms. They were so critical, her children, Mrs. Ramsay thought. They talked such nonsense.

She went from the dining-room and ruminated the problem of rich and poor, and the things she saw with her own eyes, weekly, daily, here or in London. Social problems. Insoluble questions, it seemed to her. He had followed her into the drawing-room, that young man they laughed at; he was standing by the table. They had all gone – the children; Minta Doyle and Paul Rayley; Augustus Carmichael; her husband – they had all gone. So she turned to the man with a sigh and said,

“Would you like to come with me, Mr. Tansley?”

She had things to do in the town. A letter or two to write. She will be in ten minutes perhaps; she will put on her hat and take her basket and her parasol.

They were making the great expedition, she said and laughed. They were going to the town.

“Stamps, writing-paper, tobacco?” she suggested.

No, he wanted nothing. No, nothing, he murmured.

As for her little bag, may he not carry that? No, no, she said, she always carried that herself.

“Let us all go!” she cried.

“Let’s go,” he said, repeating her words. “Let us all go to the circus.”

No. What was wrong with him then? She liked him warmly, at the moment. When he was a child, he did not go to circuses. He had a large family, nine brothers and sisters. His father was a working man.

“My father is a chemist, Mrs. Ramsay. He keeps a shop.”

He himself has worked since thirteen. Often he went without a warm coat in winter. He worked hard – seven hours a day. They were walking on and Mrs. Ramsay did not quite catch the meaning, only the words, here and there… dissertation… fellowship… readership… lectureship. She will tell Prue about it. He was an awful prig – oh yes, an insufferable bore.

They came out on the quay, and the whole bay spread before them. Mrs. Ramsay exclaimed,

“Oh, how beautiful!”

The great plateful of blue water was before her; the hoary Lighthouse, distant, austere, in the midst; and on the right, in soft low pleats, the green sand dunes, which always were running away into some moon country, uninhabited of men.

That was the view, she said, that her husband loved. She paused a moment.

But now, she said, artists come here. There indeed, stood one of them, in Panama hat[4] and yellow boots. Ten little boys watched him. Since Mr. Paunceforte had been there, three years before, all the pictures were like that, she said, green and grey, with lemon-coloured boats, and pink women on the beach.

So Mr. Tansley supposed she meant that that man’s picture was skimpy? It was awfully strange.

There he stood in the parlour of the poky little house. He was waiting for her, while she went upstairs a moment to see a woman. With stars in her eyes and veils in her hair, with cyclamen and wild violets – what nonsense was he thinking? She was fifty at least; she had eight children. He took her bag.

“Good-bye, Elsie,” she said, and they walked up the street.

She was holding her parasol and walking as if she expected to meet someone round the corner. Charles Tansley was very proud. For the first time in his life Charles Tansley felt the wind and the cyclamen and the violets. He was walking with a beautiful woman.

2

“We won’t go to the Lighthouse, James,” he said.

Odious little man, thought Mrs. Ramsay.

3

“Perhaps you will wake up and find the sun and the birds,” she said compassionately.

She was smoothing the little boy’s hair.

“Perhaps it will be fine tomorrow,” she said.

All she could do now was to admire the refrigerator, and turn the pages of the catalogue. All these young men parodied her husband, she reflected.

They ceased to talk; that was the explanation. She concluded that poor Charles Tansley was shed. That was none of her business. If her husband required sacrifices (and indeed he did) she cheerfully offered up to him Charles Tansley. Charles snubbed her little boy.

One moment more, she listened; and then she heard something rhythmical. Suddenly a loud cry, as of a sleep-walker[5], sung out with the utmost intensity in her ear:

“Stormed at with shot and shell!”

Mrs. Ramsay turned her head to see if anyone had heard him. Only Lily Briscoe, she was glad to find; and that did not matter. But the sight of the girl standing on the edge of the lawn painting reminded her; she was supposed to be keeping her head as much in the same position as possible for Lily’s picture. Lily’s picture! Mrs. Ramsay smiled and, remembering her promise, she bent her head.

4

Indeed, he almost knocked her easel over. He came down upon her, “Boldly we rode and well!” Never was anybody at once so ridiculous and so alarming.

Someone came out of the house. He came towards her. It was William Bankes; her brush quivered. William Bankes stood beside her.

They had rooms in the village. When they were walking in, walking out, parting late on door-mats, they said little things about the soup, about the children, about one thing and another which made them allies. When he stood beside her now (he was old enough to be her father too, a botanist, a widower, very scrupulous and clean) she just stood there. He just stood there. Her shoes were excellent, he observed. He was lodging in the same house with her.

Mr. Ramsay glared at them. That did make them both vaguely uncomfortable. It was with difficulty that she took her eyes off her picture.

She laid her brushes neatly in the box, side by side, and said to William Bankes:

“It suddenly gets cold. The sun gives less heat,” she said.

It was bright enough, the house starred in its greenery with purple passion flowers. But something moved, flashed, turned a silver wing in the air. It was September after all, the middle of September, and past six in the evening. So off they strolled down the garden in the usual direction, past the tennis lawn, past the pampas grass, to that break in the thick hedge.

They came there regularly every evening. The pulse of colour flooded the bay with blue, and the heart expanded with it.

They both smiled, standing there. They both felt a common hilarity. William Bankes was looking at the far sand hills. He thought of Ramsay, he thought of a road in Westmorland. William Bankes remembered a hen with its little chicks. It seemed to him that their friendship had ceased, there, on that stretch of road. After that, Ramsay married and something important went out of their friendship. Whose fault it was he could not say. But in this dumb colloquy with the sand dunes he maintained his affection for Ramsay.

He was anxious to clear himself in his own mind from the imputation of dryness. Ramsay lived in a welter of children, whereas Bankes was childless and a widower.

Yes. That was it. He turned from the view. And Mr. Bankes felt aged and saddened. He has dried indeed.

The Ramsays were not rich. It was a wonder how they managed to contrive it all[6]. Eight children! To feed eight children! And the education was very expensive (true, Mrs. Ramsay had something of her own perhaps). And those fellows, angular, ruthless youngsters, required clothes. He called them after the Kings and Queens of England; Cam the Wicked, James the Ruthless, Andrew the Just, Prue the Fair. Prue must be beautiful, he thought, and Andrew must have brains.

While he walked up the drive and Lily Briscoe said yes and no and capped his comments (for she was in love with them all), he commiserated Ramsay, envied him. But what, for example, did this Lily Briscoe think?

“Oh, but,” said Lily, “think of his work!”

Whenever she “thought of his work” she always saw clearly before her a large kitchen table. It was Andrew’s. She asked him what his father’s books were about.

“Subject and object and the nature of reality,” Andrew said.

She said,

“Oh, I don’t understand what that means”.

“Think of a kitchen table then,” he told her, “when you’re not there.”

So now she always saw, when she thought of Mr. Ramsay’s work, a scrubbed kitchen table.

Mr. Bankes was glad that she had asked him “to think of his work.” He had thought of it, often and often.

“Ramsay is one of those men who do their best work before they are forty.”

He had made a definite contribution to philosophy in one little book when he was only five and twenty. But the number of men who make a definite contribution to anything whatsoever is very small, he said.

How to judge people, how to think of them? She was standing by the pear tree. You have greatness, but Mr. Ramsay has none of it. He is petty, selfish, vain, egotistical. He is spoilt; he is a tyrant. But he has what you (she addressed Mr. Bankes) have not; a fiery unworldliness; he knows nothing about trifles. He loves dogs and his children. He has eight. Mr. Bankes has none.

5

“And even if it isn’t fine tomorrow,” said Mrs. Ramsay, glancing at William Bankes and Lily Briscoe as they passed, “it will be another day. And now, James, stand up, and let me measure your leg,”

William and Lily must marry – she took the stocking, and measured it against James’s leg.

“My dear, stand still,” she said.

She looked up and saw the room, saw the chairs. They were fearfully shabby. But what was the point, she asked, of buying good chairs? The rent was low; the children loved the house. It is very good for her husband to be three hundred miles from his libraries and his lectures and his disciples; and there was room for visitors. Mats, camp beds, crazy ghosts of chairs and tables; and a photograph or two, and books. She never had time to read them. Alas! She sighed and saw the whole room from floor to ceiling, as she held the stocking against James’s leg. Things got shabbier and shabbier summer after summer. The mat was fading; the wall-paper was flapping. You can’t tell anymore that those were roses on it.

But it was the doors that annoyed her; every door was left open. She listened. The drawing-room door was open; the hall door was open. It sounded as if the bedroom doors were open. Certainly the window was open. That windows must be open, and doors shut – it’s simple. Can’t they remember it?

She had a spasm of irritation, and spoke sharply to James:

“Stand still. Don’t be tiresome.”

He knew instantly that her severity was real. He straightened his leg and she measured it.

The stocking was too short. It was the stocking for Sorley’s little boy, and he was less well grown than James.

“It’s too short,” she said.

Never did anybody look so sad. Bitter and black. A tear formed; a tear fell. Never did anybody look so sad.

Mrs. Ramsay smoothed out her harsh manner, raised his head, and kissed her little boy on the forehead.

“Let us find another picture to cut out,” she said.

6

But what happened?

Someone made a mistake.

She fixed her short-sighted[7] eyes upon her husband. She gazed steadily until his closeness revealed to her that something had happened.

He shivered; he quivered. All his vanity, all his satisfaction in his own splendour, had been shattered, destroyed. Stormed at by shot and shell, boldly we rode and well. He quivered; he shivered.

She realised, from the familiar signs, that he needed privacy to regain his equilibrium, that he was outraged and anguished. She stroked James’s head; she transferred to him what she felt for her husband. Her husband passed her. She was relieved to find that the ruin was veiled; domesticity triumphed; custom crooned its soothing rhythm. At the window he bent quizzically and whimsically to tickle James’s bare calf with a sprig of something. She twitted him that he had dispatched “that poor young man,” Charles Tansley.

“Tansley had to write his dissertation,” he said. “James will have to write his dissertation one of these days,” he added ironically.

She was trying to finish these tiresome stockings to send them to Sorley’s little boy tomorrow, said Mrs. Ramsay.

“There isn’t the slightest possible chance that we can go to the Lighthouse tomorrow,” Mr. Ramsay said irascibly.

“How do you know?” she asked. “The wind often changes”.

The extraordinary irrationality of her remark, the folly of women’s minds enraged him. He stamped his foot on the stone step.

“Damn you,” he said.

But what had she said? Simply that it might be fine tomorrow. So it might.

Such astonishing lack of consideration for other people’s feelings was to her so horrible that she bent her head. There was nothing to say.

He stood by her in silence. Very humbly, at length, he said,

“I will ask the Coastguards if you like”.

There was nobody whom she reverenced as she reverenced him.

Already ashamed of that petulance, of that gesticulation of the hands, Mr. Ramsay sheepishly prodded his son’s bare legs, and then he dived into the evening air.

He was safe, he was restored to his privacy. He stopped to light his pipe. He looked once at his wife and son in the window. Who will blame him?

7

But his son hated him. He hated him for coming up to them, for stopping and looking down on them. He hated him for interrupting them. He hated him for the exaltation and sublimity of his gestures. He hated him for the magnificence of his head. He hated him for his exactingness and egotism.

He looked at the page. He pointed his finger at a word, and he hoped to recall his mother’s attention, which, he knew angrily, wavered instantly. But, no. Nothing will make Mr. Ramsay move on. There he stood. He was demanding sympathy.

Mrs. Ramsay was folding her son in her arm. She braced herself, and raised herself with an effort. He wanted sympathy. He was a failure, he said. Mrs. Ramsay flashed her needles.

“Charles Tansley…” she said.

But it was sympathy he wanted. He wanted to be assured of his genius.

Charles Tansley thought him the greatest metaphysician of the time, she said. But he must have sympathy. She laughed, she knitted.

He was a failure, he repeated. Well, look then, feel then. Flashing her needles, glancing round about her, out of the window, into the room, at James himself, she assured him, beyond a shadow of a doubt, by her laugh, her poise, her competence (as a nurse carrying a light across a dark room assures a fractious child), that it was real; the house was full; the garden blowing. If he put implicit faith in her, nothing should hurt him; however deep he buried himself or climed high, not for a second should he find himself without her. So boasting of her capacity to surround and protect, there was scarcely a shell of herself left for her to know herself by; all was so lavished and spent; and James, as he stood stiff between her knees, felt her rise in a rosy-flowered fruit tree laid with leaves and dancing boughs into which the beak of brass, the arid scimitar of his father, the egotistical man, plunged and smote, demanding sympathy.

He was filled with her words, like a child. At last, he looked at her with humble gratitude and went away.

Immediately, Mrs. Ramsay seemed to fold herself together, one petal closed in another. She felt the rapture of successful creation. Every throb of this pulse enclosed her and her husband, and gave to each some solace.

A shadow was on the page; she looked up. It was Augustus Carmichael’s shadow. Mr. Carmichael was in his yellow slippers. She asked,

“Going indoors Mr. Carmichael?”

8

He said nothing. He took opium. The children said he had stained his beard yellow with it. Perhaps. What was obvious to her was that the poor man was unhappy. He came to them every year as an escape. Every year she felt the same thing; he did not trust her. She said,

“I am going to the town. Shall I get you stamps, paper, tobacco?”

And she felt him wince. He did not trust her. It was because of his wife. She remembered that iniquity of his wife’s towards him. He was unkempt; he dropped things on his coat. He had the tiresomeness of an old man. His wife said, in her odious way,

“Now, Mrs. Ramsay and I want to have a little talk together.”

Mrs. Ramsay could see the innumerable miseries of his life. Had he money enough to buy tobacco? Did he have to ask her for it? She made him suffer.

And always now he shrank from her. He never told her anything. But what more can she do? He has a sunny room. The children are good to him. It injured her that he shrinks. Everybody loved her. Everybody needed her. How could he not? When Mr. Carmichael just nodded to her question, with a book beneath his arm, she felt that all this desire of hers to give, to help, was vanity. For her own self-satisfaction was it that she wished so instinctively to help, to give, that people might say of her, “O Mrs. Ramsay! dear Mrs. Ramsay… Mrs. Ramsay, of course!” and need her and send for her and admire her? Was it not secretly this that she wanted, and therefore when Mr. Carmichael shrank away from her, as he did at this moment, making off to some corner where he did acrostics endlessly, she did not feel merely snubbed back in her instinct, but made aware of the pettiness of some part of her, and of human relations, how flawed they are, how despicable, how self-seeking, at their best.

Anyway, she should better devote her mind to the story of the Fisherman and his Wife and calm down her son James (none of her children was as sensitive as he was).

“The man’s heart grew heavy,” she read aloud, “and he did not want to go. He said to himself, ‘It is not right,’ and yet he went. And when he came to the sea the water was quite purple and dark blue, and grey and thick, and no longer so green and yellow, but it was still quiet. And he stood there and said…”

“The father of eight children has no choice.”

He muttered these words, turned, sighed, raised his eyes, saw the figure of his wife. She was reading stories to his little boy. He filled his pipe. He found consolation in trifles so slight compared with the august theme just now before him that he was disposed to slur that comfort over, to deprecate it, as if to be caught happy in a world of misery was for an honest man the most despicable of crimes. It was true; he was for the most part happy. He had his wife; he had his children. He had promised in six weeks’ time to talk “some nonsense” to the young men of Cardiff about Locke, Hume, Berkeley[8], and the causes of the French Revolution. But this and his pleasure in it he had to deprecate and conceal under the phrase “talking nonsense.” It was a disguise; it was the refuge of a man afraid to own his own feelings. He could not say, “This is what I like – this is what I am”. It was rather pitiable and distasteful to William Bankes and Lily Briscoe. Lily wondered why such concealments were necessary; why he needed praise. She wondered why so brave a man in thought was so timid in life. He was strangely venerable and laughable at the same time.

Teaching and preaching is beyond human power, Lily suspected.

Mrs. Ramsay gave him what he asked too easily. Then the change must be so upsetting, Lily said. He comes in from his books and finds us all playing games and talking nonsense. Imagine what a change from the things he thinks about, she said.

9

“Yes,” Mr. Bankes said. “It is pity. It is pity that Ramsay could not behave a little more like other people.”

For he liked Lily Briscoe; he could discuss Ramsay with her quite openly. It was for that reason, he said, that the young people don’t read Carlyle. A crusty old grumbler who lost his temper if the porridge was cold. Why will he preach to us?

Lily was ashamed to say that she had not read Carlyle since she was at school. But she liked Mr. Ramsay. He asked you quite openly to flatter him, to admire him. His little dodges deceived nobody. It was not THAT she minded. What she disliked was his narrowness, his blindness.

“A hypocrite?” Mr. Bankes suggested.

He looked at Mr. Ramsay’s back. He rather wished Lily to agree that Ramsay was, as he said, “a hypocrite.”

Lily Briscoe was putting away her brushes. She was looking up, looking down. Looking up, there he was – Mr. Ramsay was advancing towards them. He was swinging, careless, oblivious, remote. “A hypocrite?” she repeated. Oh, no – the most sincere of men, the truest, the best. But he is absorbed in himself. He is tyrannical, he is unjust.

Mr. Bankes expected her to answer. And she was about to say something about Mrs. Ramsay, how she was alarming, but then she saw the rapture with which Mr. Bankes looked at Mrs. Ramsay and the look on his face made it entirely unnecessary for her to speak. Lily felt that this rapture was equivalent to the loves of dozens of young men. Perhaps Mrs. Ramsay had never excited the loves of dozens of young men. It was distilled and filtered love; love that never attempted to clutch its object. This love was spread over the world and became part of the human gain. So it was indeed. The world shared it.

Such a rapture made Lily Briscoe forget entirely what she wanted to say. It was nothing of importance; something about Mrs. Ramsay. It paled beside this “rapture”, this silent stare, for which she felt intense gratitude. Nothing so solaced her, eased her of the perplexity of life, and miraculously raised its burdens, as this sublime power, this heavenly gift.

People can love like this. She wiped one brush after another upon a piece of old rag. Then she looked at her picture.

She nearly wept. It was bad, it was bad, it was infinitely bad! Nobody will look at it, nobody will even hang it. Mr. Tansley was whispering in her ear,

“Women can’t paint, women can’t write.”

She now remembered what she wanted say about Mrs. Ramsay. She was annoyed by some highhandedness. She thought of Mr. Bankes. She thought that no woman could worship another woman in the way he worshipped. Mrs. Ramsay was unquestionably the loveliest of people; the best perhaps; but also, different. But why different, and how different? she asked herself. She scraped her palette of all those mounds of blue and green. How did she differ? What was the spirit in her? She was like a bird, an arrow. She was willful; she was commanding. She opened bedroom windows. She shut doors. The house was full of children.

Oh, but there was her father; her home; even her painting. But all this seemed so little, so virginal, against the other. She liked to be alone; she liked to be herself.

Lily Briscoe looked up at last. She saw Mrs. Ramsay, still presiding.

Was it wisdom? Was it knowledge? Was it, once more, the deceptiveness of beauty? Did she lock up within her some secret? She was sitting on the floor with her arms round Mrs. Ramsay’s knees. She was smiling to think that Mrs. Ramsay would never know the reason of that pressure. She imagined how in the chambers of the mind and heart of the woman were tablets with sacred inscriptions. What was the key to those secret chambers? Can love, as people called it, make her and Mrs. Ramsay one? It was not knowledge but unity that she desired, not inscriptions on tablets, but intimacy itself, which is knowledge. And she put her head on Mrs. Ramsay’s knee.

Nothing happened. Nothing! Nothing! as she leant her head against Mrs. Ramsay’s knee.

And yet, she knew knowledge and wisdom were stored up in Mrs. Ramsay’s heart. Mrs. Ramsay rose. Lily rose. Mrs. Ramsay went. A ray passed Mr. Bankes’s eyes. He put on his spectacles. He stepped back. He raised his hand. He slightly narrowed his clear blue eyes,

Lily winced like a dog that sees a hand raised to strike it. Mr. Bankes was less alarming than another.

Mr. Bankes took out a pen-knife and tapped the canvas with the bone handle. What did she wish to indicate by the triangular purple shape, “just there”? he asked.

It was Mrs. Ramsay reading to James, she said.

Mother and child are the objects of universal veneration. The mother was famous for her beauty. But the picture was not of them, she said. Or, not in this sense. There were other senses too.

A picture must be a tribute. A mother and child can be reduced to a shadow without irreverence. A light here required a shadow there. He considered. He was interested. The truth was that all his prejudices were on the other side, he explained. The largest picture in his drawing-room was of the cherry trees in blossom on the banks of the Kennet. He had spent his honeymoon on the banks of the Kennet, he said. Lily must come and see that picture, he said.

10

Cam grazed the easel by an inch[9]. She did not stop for Mr. Bankes and Lily Briscoe; though Mr. Bankes held out his hand. She did not stop for her father, whom she grazed also by an inch; nor for her mother, who called

“Cam! I want you a moment!”

She flew like a bird, bullet, or arrow. But when Mrs. Ramsay called “Cam!” a second time, Cam turned to her mother. She shifted from foot to foot, and said,

“They are not here, and I’ve told Ellen to wait.”

Minta Doyle and Paul Rayley had not come back then. That meant, Mrs. Ramsay thought, one thing. She must accept him, or she must refuse him. Mrs. Ramsay was very, very fond of Minta. But she read,

“Next morning the wife awoke first, and it was just daybreak. From her bed she saw the beautiful country. Her husband was still stretching himself[10]…”

But how will Minta refuse him? She read on:

“Ah, wife,” said the man, “why be King? I do not want to be King.” “Well,” said the wife, “if you won’t be King, I will. Go to the Flounder, for I will be King.”

“Come in or go out, Cam,” she said.

“And when he came to the sea, it was quite dark grey. The water heaved up from below, and smelt putrid. Then he went and stood by it and said,

Flounder, flounder, in the sea,

Come, I pray you, here to me;

For my wife, good Ilsabil,

Wills not as I’d have her will

‘Well, what does she want then?’ said the Flounder.”

And where were they now? Mrs. Ramsay wondered. She was reading and thinking at the same time. The story of the Fisherman and his Wife was like the melody.

If nothing happens, she will speak seriously to Minta. She was responsible to Minta’s parents – the Owl and the Poker. She remembered her nicknames for them. The Owl and the Poker – yes.

Dear, dear, Mrs. Ramsay said to herself, how did they produce this incongruous daughter? this tomboy Minta, with a hole in her stocking?

How did she exist in that portentous atmosphere? Naturally, one must ask her to lunch, tea, dinner, finally to stay with them. That resulted in some friction with the Owl, her mother. However, Minta came… Yes, she came, Mrs. Ramsay thought. Mrs. Doyle accused her. Wishing to dominate, wishing to interfere, making people do what she wished – that was the charge against her. She thought it most unjust.

She was often ashamed of her own shabbiness. Nor was she domineering, nor was she tyrannical.

She never wanted James to grow older! or Cam either. When she read just now to James, “and there were numbers of soldiers with kettledrums and trumpets,” and his eyes darkened, she thought, why should they grow up and lose all that?

He was the most gifted, the most sensitive of her children. But all, she thought, were full of promise. Prue, a perfect angel, a real beauty. Andrew – even her husband admitted that his gift for mathematics was extraordinary. And Nancy and Roger, they were both wild creatures now. They were scampering about over the country all day long. As for Rose, her mouth was too big, but she had a wonderful gift with her hands. If they had charades, Rose made the dresses. She made everything.

Why should they go to school? She always wanted to have a baby. She liked to carry one in her arms. Then people say she was tyrannical, domineering, masterful. They are happier now than they will ever be again. They all had their little treasures…

And so she went down and said to her husband, Why must they grow up and lose it all? Never will they be so happy again.

And he was angry. Why take such a gloomy view of life? he said. It is not sensible. For it was odd. She believed it to be true. He had always his work. Not that she herself was “pessimistic”. She thought of her life, her fifty years. There it was before her – life. The life is terrible, hostile, and quick to pounce on you if you give it a chance. There were eternal problems: suffering; death; the poor. There was always a woman dying of cancer even here.

She knew what was before them – love and ambition. Why must they grow up and lose it all? And then she said to herself, Nonsense. They will be perfectly happy.

She was making Minta marry Paul Rayley. People must marry; people must have children.

Was she wrong in this? she asked herself. She was uneasy.

“Then he put on his trousers and ran away like a madman,” she read. “But outside a great storm was raging and blowing so hard that he could scarcely keep his feet. Houses and trees toppled over, the mountains trembled, rocks rolled into the sea. The sky was black, and it thundered and lightened. The sea came in with black waves as high as church towers and mountains, and all with white foam at the top.”

She turned the page; there were only a few lines more. She will finish the story. It was getting late. The light in the garden told her that. Then she remembered; Paul and Minta and Andrew had not come back. Andrew had his net and basket. That meant he was going to catch crabs. It was growing quite dark.

She looked into James’s eyes:

“And there they are living still at this very time[11].”

“And that’s the end,” she said.

She saw in his eyes that the interest of the story died away in them. Something else took its place. She turned and looked across the bay. She saw the light of the Lighthouse.

In a moment he will ask her,

“Are we going to the Lighthouse?”

And she will say,

“No: not tomorrow; your father says not.”

Happily, Mildred came in. The bustle distracted them. As Mildred carried him out, she was certain that he was thinking, we are not going to the Lighthouse tomorrow. He will remember that all his life.

11

No, she thought, putting together the pictures – a refrigerator, a mowing machine[12], a gentleman in evening dress – children never forget. For this reason, it was so important what one said, and what one did. It was a relief when they went to bed. For now she need not think about anybody. She could be herself, by herself. To be silent; to be alone. Although she continued to knit, and sat upright, it was thus that she felt herself. When life sank down, the range of experience seemed limitless.

And to everybody there was always this sense of unlimited resources, she supposed. She, Lily, Augustus Carmichael, must feel: our apparitions are simply childish. Beneath it is all dark, it is unfathomably deep. Her horizon seemed to her limitless. They could not stop her, she thought. There was freedom, there was peace, there was a platform of stability.

No one finds rest ever, in her experience, but as a wedge of darkness. One lost the fret, the hurry, the stir. There rose to her lips always some exclamation of triumph over life when things came together in this peace, this rest, this eternity.

She looked out to meet that stroke of the Lighthouse, the long steady stroke, the last of the three, which was her stroke. That light lifted up some little phrase like that – “Children don’t forget, children don’t forget”. She could repeat it. It will end, it will end, she said. It will come, it will come, when suddenly she added, “We are in the hands of the Lord”.

But instantly she was annoyed with herself. Who had said it? Not she. She looked up over her knitting and met the third stroke. It seemed to her like her own eyes meeting her own eyes[13]. They searched into her mind and her heart, they purified out of existence that lie, any lie. She was stern, she was searching, she was beautiful like that light. It was odd, she thought. She looked and looked; a mist rose from the lake. A bride to meet her lover.

Why did she say that: “We are in the hands of the Lord?” she wondered. The insincerity annoyed her. She returned to her knitting again. How could any Lord make this world? she asked. With her mind she had always seized the fact that there is no reason, order, justice: but suffering, death, the poor. She knew that. No happiness lasted; she knew that. She knitted with firm composure.

Her husband passed. He noted the sternness at the heart of her beauty. It saddened him, and her remoteness pained him. He felt, as he passed, that he could not protect her. When he reached the hedge, he was sad. He could do nothing to help her. He must stand by and watch her. Indeed, the infernal truth was, he made things worse for her. He was irritable – he was touchy. He had lost his temper over the Lighthouse. He looked into the hedge, into its intricacy, its darkness.

Mrs. Ramsay listened, but it was all very still. Cricket was over; the children were in their baths; there was only the sound of the sea. She stopped knitting. She held the long reddish-brown stocking in her hands. She saw the light again. With some irony, she was watching it with fascination, hypnotized. Anyway, she had known happiness, exquisite happiness, intense happiness. It silvered the rough waves a little more brightly, as daylight faded. The blue went out of the sea and it rolled in waves of pure lemon which curved and swelled and broke upon the beach. The ecstasy burst in her eyes and waves of pure delight raced over the floor of her mind and she felt, It is enough! It is enough!

He turned and saw her. Ah! She was lovely, lovelier now than ever he thought. But he could not speak to her. He could not interrupt her.

He wanted urgently to speak to her now. James was gone and she was alone at last. But he resolved, no. He won’t interrupt her. She was aloof from him now in her beauty, in her sadness. He passed her without a word, though it hurt him. She looked distant, and he could not reach her, he could do nothing to help her. And again he passed her without a word.

She called to him and took the green shawl off the picture frame, and went to him. For he wished, she knew, to protect her.

12

She folded the green shawl about her shoulders. She took his arm. She began to speak of Kennedy the gardener. His beauty was so great, she said, he was so awfully handsome, that she couldn’t dismiss him. There was a ladder against the greenhouse. Little lumps of putty stuck about. They were beginning to mend the greenhouse.

She strolled along with her husband. She had it on the tip of her tongue to say[14], as they strolled, “It’ll cost fifty pounds”. But instead she talked about Jasper who was shooting birds. He said, at once, that it was natural in a boy. He soothed her instantly. Her husband was so sensible, so just. And so she said, “Yes; all children go through stages[15],” and began considering the dahlias in the big bed. She was wondering about next year’s flowers. Had he heard the children’s nickname for Charles Tansley, she asked. The atheist, they called him, the little atheist.

“He’s not a polished specimen,” said Mr. Ramsay.

“Far from it,” said Mrs. Ramsay.

Mrs. Ramsay was wondering whether it was any use sending down bulbs; did they plant them?

“Oh, he has his dissertation to write,” said Mr. Ramsay.

She knew all about that, said Mrs. Ramsay. He talked of nothing else. It was about the influence of somebody upon something.

“Well, it’s all he has to count on,” said Mr. Ramsay.

“Pray Heaven he won’t fall in love with Prue,” said Mrs. Ramsay.

“He’ll disinherit her if she marries him,” said Mr. Ramsay.

He did not look at the flowers, which his wife was considering.

“There is no harm in him,” he added.

He was just about to say that anyhow he was the only young man in England who admired his – when he stopped. He did not want to bother her again about his books.

“These flowers seem creditable,” Mr. Ramsay said.

He lowered his gaze and noticed something red, something brown.

“Yes, I put in these flowers with my own hands,” said Mrs. Ramsay.

The question was, what happened if she sent bulbs down; did Kennedy plant them? It was his incurable laziness; she added.

So they strolled along, towards the red-hot pokers.

“You’re teaching your daughters to exaggerate,” said Mr. Ramsay.

Her Aunt Camilla was far worse than she was, Mrs. Ramsay remarked.

“Nobody ever saw your Aunt Camilla as a model of virtue,” said Mr. Ramsay.

“She was the most beautiful woman I ever saw,” said Mrs. Ramsay.

“Somebody else was that,” said Mr. Ramsay.

Prue was going to be far more beautiful than she was, said Mrs. Ramsay.

He saw no trace of it, said Mr. Ramsay.

“Well, then, look tonight,” said Mrs. Ramsay.

They paused. Andrew must work harder. He will lose every chance of a scholarship if he doesn’t.

“Oh, scholarships!” she said.

Mr. Ramsay thought her foolish for saying that, about a serious thing, like a scholarship.

“I will be very proud of Andrew if he gets a scholarship,” he said.

“And I will be just as proud of him if he doesn’t,” she answered.

They disagreed always about this, but it did not matter. She liked him to believe in scholarships. He liked her to be proud of Andrew whatever he did. Suddenly she remembered those little paths on the edge of the cliffs.

Wasn’t it late? she asked.

They hadn’t come home yet. He looked at his watch. It was only just past seven. He held his watch open for a moment. It was not reasonable to be nervous. Andrew is not a little boy. Then, he wanted to tell her that when he was walking on the terrace just now, – here he became uncomfortable. He felt that solitude, that aloofness, that remoteness of hers. But she pressed him. What did he want to tell her, she asked.

She was thinking it was about going to the Lighthouse. Was he going to say he was sorry for being harsh? But no. He did not like to see her look so sad, he said. She flushed a little. They both felt uncomfortable, as if they did not know whether to go on or go back.

She was reading fairy tales to James, she said.

No, they could not share that; they could not say that.

They had reached the gap between the two clumps of red-hot pokers. There was the Lighthouse again. But she did not look at it.

She looked over her shoulder, at the town. The lights were rippling and running as if they were drops of silver water in a wind.

All the poverty, all the suffering had turned to that, Mrs. Ramsay thought.

The lights of the town and of the harbour and of the boats seemed like a phantom net. Mr. Ramsay wanted to tell the story how Hume was stuck in a bog. He wanted to laugh. It was nonsense to be anxious about Andrew. When he was Andrew’s age he used to walk about the country all day long. He had nothing but a biscuit in his pocket and nobody bothered about him.

He said he was going to spend a day alone. Enough of Bankes and of Carmichael. He wanted a little solitude.

Yes, she said.

It annoyed him that she did not protest. She knew that he would never do it. He was too old now to walk all day long with a biscuit in his pocket. She worried about the boys, but not about him. Years ago, before he had married, he thought, he had walked all day. He had made a meal off bread and cheese in a public house[16]. He had worked ten hours.

That was the view he liked best, over there; those sandhills. One could walk all day without meeting a soul. There was not a house scarcely, not a single village for miles on end. There were little sandy beaches where no one had been since the beginning of time. The seals sat up and looked at you.

It sometimes seemed to him that in a little house out there, alone – he stopped. He sighed. He had no right. The father of eight children – he reminded himself. He will be a beast and a cur if he changes something. Andrew will be a better man than he was. Prue will be a beauty, her mother says. His eight children – a good bit of work.

“Poor little place,” he murmured with a sigh.

She heard him. He said the most melancholy things. But she knew when he said them he always seemed more cheerful afterwards. All this phrase-making was a game, she thought.

It annoyed her, this phrase-making, and she said to him, that it was a perfectly lovely evening. And what was he groaning about, she asked.

She was half laughing, half complaining, for she guessed what he was thinking. He can write better books if he is not married.

He was not complaining, he said.

She knew that he did not complain. She knew that he had nothing whatever to complain of. And he seized her hand and raised it to his lips and kissed it with an intensity that brought the tears to her eyes. Then he dropped it.

They turned away and began to walk up the path where the silver-green spear-like plants grew, arm in arm.

His arm was almost like a young man’s arm, Mrs. Ramsay thought, thin and hard.

She thought with delight how strong he still was, though he was over sixty. And how untamed and optimistic. He was convinced of all sorts of horrors, but they did not depress him, but cheered him.

Was it not odd, she reflected?

Indeed he seemed to her sometimes blind, deaf, and dumb to the ordinary things. But to the extraordinary things, he had an eye like an eagle’s. His understanding often astonished her. But did he notice the flowers? No. Did he notice the view? No. Did he even notice his own daughter’s beauty, or a pudding on his plate or roast beef? He sits at table with them like a person in a dream. And his habit of talking aloud, or saying poetry aloud!

“Best and brightest come away!”

Mrs. Ramsay showed him, by a little pressure on his arm, that he walked up hill too fast for her. She must stop for a moment to see whether those were fresh molehills on the bank. A great mind like his must be different from ours.

At that moment, he said, “Very fine,” to please her. He pretended to admire the flowers. But she knew quite well that he did not admire them. He did not even realise that they were there. It was only to please her.

Ah, but was that not Lily Briscoe with William Bankes? She focused her eyes upon the backs of the couple. Yes, indeed it was. Did that not mean that they would marry? Yes, it must! What an admirable idea! They must marry!

13

He had been to Amsterdam, Mr. Bankes was saying as he strolled across the lawn with Lily Briscoe. He had seen the Rembrandts[17].

He had been to Madrid. Unfortunately, it was Good Friday[18] and the Prado was shut.

He had been to Rome. Had Miss Briscoe never been to Rome? Oh, she must! It will be a wonderful experience for her – the Sistine Chapel[19]; Michael Angelo[20]; and Padua, with its Giottos[21].

She had been to Brussels; she had been to Paris but only for a short visit to see an aunt who was ill. She had been to Dresden; there were masses of pictures she had not seen. However, Lily Briscoe reflected, perhaps it was better not to see pictures. They only made one hopelessly discontented with one’s own work.

We can’t all be Titians and we can’t all be Darwins, he said. At the same time, we won’t have Darwins and Titians if we don’t have humble people like ourselves. Lily wanted to pay him a compliment; you’re not humble, Mr. Bankes. But he did not want compliments (most men do, she thought), and she was a little ashamed of her impulse and said nothing.

Anyhow, said Lily, she would always go on painting, because it interested her.

Yes, said Mr. Bankes, he was sure she would.

As they reached the end of the lawn he was asking her whether she could easily find subjects in London when they turned and saw the Ramsays. So that is marriage, Lily thought.

Mrs. Ramsay greeted them with her usual smile (oh, she’s thinking we’re going to get married, Lily thought) and said,

“I have triumphed tonight”.

That meant Mr. Bankes had agreed to dine with them. Then Prue ran to them with a ball. Her mother said,

“Haven’t they come back yet?”

Then she asked,

“Did Nancy go with them?”

14

Certainly, Nancy had gone with them. Minta Doyle had asked it with her dumb look. She did not want to go. She did not want to be drawn into it all[22]. As they walked along the road to the cliff Minta was taking her hand. Then she let it go. Then she took it again. What did she want? Nancy asked herself.

There was something, of course, that people wanted. When Minta took her hand and held it, Nancy, reluctantly, saw the whole world spread out beneath her. Nancy asked, when Minta took her hand. “What is it that she wants? Is it that?” And what was that? Here and there emerged from the mist a pinnacle and a dome, the things without names.

Minta, Andrew observed, was rather a good walker. She wore more sensible clothes that most women. She wore very short skirts. She could jump straight into a stream and flounder across. He liked her rashness, but he saw that she could kill herself. She was afraid of nothing – except bulls. At the mere sight of a bull in a field she threw up her arms and ran away. She knew she was an awful coward about bulls, she said. But didn’t mind what she said or did. Suddenly now she stood on the edge of the cliff and began to sing a song:

“Damn your eyes, damn your eyes!”

They all had to join in and sing the chorus together:

“Damn your eyes, damn your eyes!”

It will be fatal to let the tide come in and cover up all the hunting-grounds[23] before they got on to the beach.

“Fatal,” Paul agreed.

He sprang up. As they went down, he was quoting the guide-book: “These islands are famous for their prospects and the extent and variety of their marine curiosities.” It is not right to sing aloud “Damn your eyes, damn your eyes!” Andrew felt. It was not right to take women on walks.

Once on the beach they separated. He went out on to the Pope’s Nose. He took his shoes off, and rolled his socks in them. He left that couple.

Nancy went to her rocks and searched her pools. She touched the smooth rubber-like sea anemones. She changed the pool into the sea, and made the minnows into sharks and whales, and cast vast clouds over this tiny world, like God himself. Out on the pale sand, stalked some fantastic leviathan, and slipped into the vast fissures of the mountain side. She was listening to the waves, she was dreaming.

Andrew shouted that the sea was coming in. So she ran through the shallow waves to the shore and ran up the beach. She went behind a rock and there – oh, heavens! in each other’s arms, were Paul and Minta kissing probably. She was outraged, indignant. She and Andrew put on their shoes and stockings in dead silence without saying a thing about it. Indeed they were rather sharp with each other. It irritated Andrew that Nancy was a woman, and Nancy that Andrew was a man. They tied their shoes very neatly and drew the bows rather tight.

On the top of the cliff Minta cried out that she had lost her grandmother’s brooch – her grandmother’s brooch, the sole ornament she possessed. It was a weeping willow, in pearls. They saw it, she said, with the tears down her cheeks, the brooch which her grandmother had fastened her cap with till the last day of her life. Now she had lost it.

She will go back and look for it. They all went back. They poked and peered and looked. Paul Rayley searched like a madman all about the rock where they were sitting. All this pother about a brooch is nonsense, Andrew thought, as Paul told him to make a “thorough search between this point and that.”

The tide was coming in fast. The sea will cover the place where they sit in a minute. It is impossible to find that brooch.

“We shall be cut off![24]” Minta shrieked, suddenly terrified.

She had no control over her emotions, Andrew thought. Women hadn’t. The wretched Paul must pacify her. The men (Andrew and Paul at once became manly) decided to plant Rayley’s stick where they had sat and come back later. If the brooch is there, it will still be there in the morning, they assured her. But Minta still sobbed. It was her grandmother’s brooch. Nancy felt she wasn’t crying only for that. She was crying for something else. We may all sit down and cry, she felt. But she did not know what for.

Paul comforted Minta. He said how famous he was for finding things. Once when he was a little boy he had found a gold watch. He will get up early, he is positive he will find it.

He began to tell her, however, that he would certainly find it. She said that it was lost: she knew that. She had had a presentiment when she put it on that afternoon. And he resolved to slip out of the house at dawn when they were all asleep. If he doesn’t find it he will go to Edinburgh and buy her another, just like it but more beautiful. He will prove what he can do.

And as they came out on the hill and saw the lights of the town beneath them, the lights seemed like things that were going to happen to him: his marriage, his children, his house. It was the worst moment of his life when he asked Minta to marry him.

He will go straight to Mrs. Ramsay because he felt somehow that she was the person who had made him do it… He can do anything. Nobody else took him seriously. But she made him believe that he could do whatever he wanted. He felt her eyes on him all day today. These eyes were saying,

“Yes, you can do it. I believe in you. I expect it of you.”

He will go to her and say,

“I’ve done it, Mrs. Ramsay; thanks to you.”

He turned into the lane that led to the house. He saw lights in the upper windows. They must be awfully late then. People were getting ready for dinner.

15

“Yes,” answered Prue her mother’s question, “I think Nancy went with them.”

16

Well then, Nancy had gone with them, Mrs. Ramsay supposed.

Of course, they could not all be drowned. And again she felt alone in the presence of her old antagonist, life.

Jasper and Rose said that Mildred wanted to know whether she should wait dinner[25].

“Not for the Queen of England,” said Mrs. Ramsay emphatically.

“Not for the Empress of Mexico,” she added.

And if Rose liked, she said, she might choose which jewels she would wear. When there are fifteen people sitting down to dinner, one cannot wait for ever. She felt annoyed with them for being so late. It was inconsiderate of them. It annoyed her greatly.

Jasper offered her an opal necklace; Rose a gold necklace. Which looked best against her black dress? While the children rummaged among her things, she looked out of the window. The rooks were trying to decide which tree to settle on. Every time, they changed their minds and rose up into the air again. The old rook, the father rook, was a disreputable old bird. He was like an old gentleman in a top hat[26] who was playing the horn in the public house.

“Look!” she said and laughed.

The rooks were fighting. The air was shoved aside by their black wings. But what to choose? The gold necklace, which was Italian, or the opal necklace, which Uncle James had brought her from India? Or maybe her amethysts?

“Choose, dearests, choose,” she said.

She let Rose take up this and then that, and hold her jewels against the black dress. Rose liked this little ceremony, she knew. What was the reason, Mrs. Ramsay wondered. And Rose will grow up; and Rose will suffer with these deep feelings. She said she was ready now, and they were ready to go down. Jasper, because he is the gentleman, will give her his arm. Rose, as she is the lady, will carry her handkerchief (she gave her the handkerchief), and what else? Oh, yes, it may be cold: a shawl.

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Примечания

1

if it’s fine tomorrow – если завтра будет хорошая погода

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2

It’s due west. – Резко западный ветер.

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3

for her own part – в отношении себя

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4

Panama hat – панама

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5

sleep-walker – сомнамбула

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6

to contrive it all – со всем этим справляться

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7

short-sighted – близорукий

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8

Locke, Hume, Berkeley – Локк, Юм, Беркли (английские философы, мыслители)

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9

grazed the easel by an inch – чуть не сшибла мольберт

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10

was still stretching himself – ещё потягивался

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11

And there they are living still at this very time. – Так они и живут до сих пор.

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12

mowing machine – косилка

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13

like her own eyes meeting her own eyes – как будто её собственные глаза встретились с её же глазами

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14

she had it on the tip of her tongue to say – у неё вертелось на языке

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15

all children go through stages – у всех детей переходный возраст

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16

public house – трактир

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17

the Rembrandts – работы Рембрандта

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18

Good Friday – Страстная Пятница

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19

Sistine Chapel – Сикстинская Капелла

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20

Michael Angelo – Микеланджело

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21

the Giottos – работы Джотто

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22

to be drawn into it all – во всё это впутываться

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23

hunting-grounds – охотничьи зоны

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24

We shall be cut off! – Мы будем отрезаны!

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25

whether she should wait dinner – не обождать ли ей с ужином

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26

top hat – цилиндр (головной убор)

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