Zhanuzak Tursynbayev
TIDA

And never have I felt such a deep feeling of alienation from my own self and from full presence in the world.

Albert Camus

Chapter 1. Slippery stones

In the pitch darkness,on the top of the rock, a white cloud hung, clinging just a little by the stones. A mighty giant was looking afar, letting down his long gray hair. Light wind was blowing his wrinkled face over, tainting his hair.

Thick and just like fallen white snow, his gray eyebrows were hiding the beautiful eyes. The eyes were full of tears and endless happiness simultaneously.

– Oh no, you woke your Dad up…. Muhit, sorry, the children were unstoppable. I don’t know why they are so hyped and just…. We have been riding for so long and this steppe and sands are all around. And here there is a city seen and the blue of the sea… Everyone has been emotional, darling, – addressed him his wife Mereke, making excuses, a little.

– I get it, Mereke, everyone is tired of riding. I have rested a little, I can say. And it’s great that I had a chance to take a little nap. I don’t want to seem exhausted for your parents. I need to wash my face and I can say I am ready. What a dream I had! How could I see in my dream some giant with his hair down, Mereke.

– Well, children, is everyone ready? Let’s go further then,– addressing his children he got a tight-knit agreement. Smiling after, he glanced quickly at his wife. She nodded her head and smiled sweetly.

In anticipation of a soon meeting with her parents, Mereke was glowing with happiness. She didn’t even want to hide it and looking around she was trying to recollect some song melodies.

Muhit noticed everything that was happening with her then. He was also happy about it in his inner self, listening to her pleasant singing.

– Mereke, these songs are so old. I have recollected them. Once my mom sang them to me. It’s so surprising that you know them. I would never even think that you know this exact song. The song which my mom used to like singing for me… It’s like you transferred me to my childhood. Thank you, darling,– addressed her Muhit and tried to look through the rearview mirror and see the hushed kids settled on the backseat. All of them were exhausted from the long ride and sleeping tightly.

– Yes,you are right darling. It’s an old folk song. We tried to sing it with girls who lived next door back then. Neighbors often liked to gather at my parents’ house on Saturday evenings. I can remember it clearly. So men were discussing something amongst each other. And women were singing different songs. And we were listening and even tried to join them… And what kind of voices they had?! How can I not recollect our favorite neighbor, aunt Talshyn? I remember the way she hit the hardest pitches. She charmed all listeners with her singing. And it didn’t surprise anyone then. Now I feel she had it as her natural talent…

Precisely this song she liked singing, by the way. I don’t even know why I remembered this song… And you know what I’d also like to say. It’s that when I sing these melodies now, I imagine her. Even if it sounds strange and is hard to believe, it is so. That’s what we saw in our childhood, darling. Perhaps I've learnt this song since then. Do you also like this song? What a good time it was, people tried to communicate with each other, give each other pleasant emotions, for a reason or not. Are they still alive? I would like to, if we are home, visit all of them. I am sure they would remember me right the way. I was always their favorite one, always dancing before them… I don’t even know why I always liked to dance before them. Perhaps I wanted them to rate my dancing abilities. But does it matter now? So much time has passed but it still appears before my eyes…. Maybe you also have something to recollect, darling, don’t you? I was so graceful back then, just as our daughter is now and tried to make various movements. As for me, those dancing moves were like a breath of fresh air. I don’t know why but I wanted to be praised. And what is really strange, they clapped and supported me… However it was, I was never embarrassed by them. Definitely my mom still remembers my tricks and, I think, she will tell you what kind of child I was with pleasure,– answered Mereke, eager to make sure why kids suddenly hushed down, she turned around to have a look at them.

– Darling, how beautifully they sleep. If only we knew what fate would bring for them. Recently I have been wondering about it a lot, darling. I don’t even know why. I try to push away bad thoughts. Muhit, sometimes I cry not knowing the reason. I didn’t want to tell you in order not to concern you. Recently I’ve been so moved. I don’t know why but anxiety doesn’t leave me alone. Don’t you feel the same, darling? I’m sorry that I have to ask you this question. Answer me, darling. It’s important for me…,– she continued and glancing at him, she suddenly hushed. Her beautiful eyes were full of tears and it was hard for her to keep it

– Mereke, you take it too close. We are resting now and nothing should spoil our staying here. Generally, you have been tired these days and I noticed it, of course. You know, I am sure of one thing. We will spend an unforgettable vacation here. We will dump all negative things from our inside, gather good emotions and come back home after all. And how about dancing? We will have enough time to dance here too, darling. Speaking of your worries, I will say only one thing. Mereke, you need to try good in everything. I’m not saying that life, whatever it is, can have some surprises for us. Yes, it is what it is but we are together and it is enough to get through all these circumstances. You are a woman so it might be the reason for you to worry. But everything will be fine. And even better. Everything’s going to be great, darling. Leave your worries behind. Am I right, darling?– replied Muhit and reached his hand to pet her on her shoulder.

Mereke just nodded him and kept silent. She took out her handkerchief and wiped off her tears quickly and unnoticeably for her husband. Eager to get rid of her obsessive thoughts, she started looking at the city, appearing in the horizon.

Soon, city of Aktau met them with its glory. Tall houses tried to shed the setting sun. The weather was wonderful. Sun rays were trying to flirt with the sea at the end of the day and were tossing numerous highlights on the coast rocks. Gloomy rocks tried to push them away, forced to be patient. Only boring seagulls were sitting on the rocks silently. Turning at them from time to time. They were pulling their wings in a lazy manner looking down at their legs.

– Dad, what’s the name of the city where we were supposed to come? Dad, why are seagulls silent? But you said they were gonna scream…. Will there be kids? I’ll always be bored around you,– complained Kanat.

– Son, but we have already come. The name of the city is Aktau. It’s the city where your mom was born and grew up. And all of you know that your dad is from Aralsk. We were passing it by at night and you were asleep then, indeed. There is also the sea. Even though unfortunately it’s not as it used to be, it’s stunning as well. We will get there next year, during our next vacation. Is it a deal, kids? How can we go on with no kids?! Well, concerning the seagulls, perhaps they are silent because they are the most important here and they are bored, just as you are… You’ll have a chance to see screaming seagulls. You surely will. Mereke, please, wipe their faces. They are dirty. Mereke, what did they eat? They don’t look like children but like little apes,– he said with a smile to his son and looked at his wife again.

– Of course, darling. Kids sit still and look at the sea. It’s so beautiful, you see. And don’t bother your dad. He is driving. Perhaps your grandma and grandpa can’t wait to see us. Kids, did you miss them? Or have you changed your minds?,– she asked the kids and laughed loudly. Kids didn’t have an answer, looked at each other and shook their heads.

– Grandma probably baked something for us… And grandma’s pies are special… She is probably looking at the road. Darling, watch out,– she continued, wiping kids’ faces- noticing a hole on the road and addressing her husband.

– Of course, I see it all,– he answered shortly and started looking at the road more carefully.

The heat was going down in the evening and quitted being unbearable when they were approaching the city. But the sea and its light breeze gave a feeling of pleasant coolness.

Since the moment of leaving the city of Kyzylorda, in the direction of Aktau, the sun was heating everywhere around differently in these summer July days. It might be said it was heating especially hard. All plants around the road were burnt down. Just rare, low bushes, exhausted with heat herds of local horses and far figures of camels could make everyone who was there happy. And only the suddenly appeared sea, gave happiness to the eyes of passengers. And surrounded the consciousness of each with its coolness.

Our hero’s name will be Muhit. He was born and grew up in the city of Aralsk. His wife Mereke and he both worked in the children’s hospital of Kyzylorda city. He worked as a neuropathologist. Muhit liked his work even though it took much of his energy away. Mereke worked there as a nurse. They had two children. The elder girl’s name was Karlygash, she has just finished her fifth year of school. The younger one’s name was Kanat. He was only four years of age. All of them were going to visit Mereke’s parents during their summer holidays. It all seemed to be some kind of adventure for Muhit. He was getting ready for this journey for a whole year. Nobody could not notice his happy eyes. His son Kanat was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. This pathology was discovered when he was a little child and expressed as a disorder of moving functions from the light difficulties to complete immobility. That diagnosis scared him as a doctor when was discovered. It scared him even not because it was given to his son but also because he thought the doctors found it too late. Later on, with Kanat’s growth, some speaking and mental disorders were discovered. Staying late at work he could study the problem for a long time, trying to find the best ways of solving it. Even his friend Pavel who also worked at the same children’s hospital of Kyzylorda city noticed his late stayings and joined him in his research. Trying to understand his diagnosis and symptoms, he attempted to lead him on the right path with his advice. Long evenings they were staying at work, arguing in seeking for the necessary way, in desire to find the most appropriate way of treatment of his son. The way which could lead his son if not to the complete cure but at least to the improvement of his condition. Trying to get to the deep roots of the problem, and accepting the present reality, they were arguing and justifying their approaches to treatment.

Yes, he acknowledged what was happening around especially with his son. Deep inside he didn’t want Mereke to know about his interest in special literature. And he concealed it in any possible way. That’s why he never brought those books home and didn’t even try to discuss any perspectives of their son’s treatment with her. He was positive that if she learnt about it, she would get really upset. She would get upset because of awaiting despair and give up. That was not what he could allow.

– Mom, do we have many relatives in Aktau? Shall we greet all of them? We haven’t even met and known them yet,– Karlygash started asking her mom, puzzled.

– Karlygash, sweetheart, even if you don’t know them, they all know about you… They even know about Kanat… Kanat, you wanted to be an important guest, didn’t you? Now that’s who you’ll be. You will be the most important and special guests at grandma’s and grandpa’s.– she laughed and looked at their kids and patted her husband’s hand.

Muhit replied his wife with a smile and decided to get involved in conversation:

– Well, if I am your father, what shall he do,kids?,– he couldn’t help but asked his favorite question as usual, to his sitting on the backseat kids.

Knowing their answer he was happy and glowing. Even his wife who noticed it looked at him with unusual interest, looking at the watch from time to time. An upcoming meeting with her parents couldn’t leave her mind. But those who already looked as if they were bored, answered their father: “he should watch and look after us!” in unison.

And all of them laughed at that moment in harmony. Each of them was happy in their own manner. Now they didn’t even feel exhausted from the long journey, and attempted to shorten the time in speaking. To speak about different things. To speak even about something small but it was important to be there, then, together with the kids. To cheer up with them. They were planning this journey to the sea for a long time. Muhit couldn’t bare persistent pleadings of Mereke to take them to her parents. And he promised to do so during his next vacation. Mereke was so happy to hear his decision that she kissed him. Now he was making the promise given to his wife come true. He was driving and thinking about his own things. Just sometimes he was getting involved in conversation, trying to cheer himself up and it was successful of course. Mereke has noticed his tiredness and even attempted to insist on stopping so that he could limber up and rest for a little. But he didn’t want to stop then. He wanted to reach home as soon as possible and have a good rest there, finally get in bed and sleep.

Suddenly a crowd appeared before him as if there was a festive procession. All of them were walking the same direction. It couldn’t but surprised Muhit. And he couldn’t help but asked his wife about it:

– Mereke, is here any holiday today?

It’s not even strange that there are so many of them but that all of them walk in the same direction. Oh, yes… It is the sea. How could I forget about it,– said Muhit, smiling.

– So, darling, where else could they all go if not to the sea and beach?! Aren’t we here for this sake?– she said laughing.

– Dad, mom, we also want to go to the sea. Can we go to the sea first and then visit grandma and grandpa?– Kanat was the first one to ask, stuttering.

– Mom, I’m hungry, I don’t need any sea…– suddenly Karlygash said, looking closely at people around.

After that she hushed down and even her parents looked at each other surprisingly.

– Kids, enough. Karlygash, we will be home soon. Be patient for a little time. No sea for us today. We are going to the ones who are waiting for us now. And, by the way, there’ll be much delicious food for you. Tomorrow we’ll try to arrange a joint walk to the sea. Is that a deal? Soon, in a couple of streets we’ll be home.– said Mereke affirmatively. Kids hushed down on these words and were looking at the car windows busily.

After some time, the car got to the destination point. By the gates where they stopped, Mereke’s parents had been waiting for them. Kids jumped out of the car first and started hugging and kissing them. Their daughter Mereke followed them and also gave them hugs and kisses. Everyone who greeted the elderly knew that the last one would be their father and moved away. Muhit got out of the car, straightened up, came up to Mereke’s father in an easy manner, hugged each of them.

– Hello! How is it going? How do you feel? How is your health? Will you kiss me as well?-he addressed to his mother-in-law Muhit, laughing.

– My beloved son! How are you, my darling?– she kissed him on both cheeks and hugged.

– Hello!,– Muhit looked at Mereke’s father, they shook hands tightly and hugged.

– Hello, my son. How are you doing, my darling? How was your journey? Probably you are really tired,– he let his hand go and hugged Muhit as well.

Mereke’s parents treated him especially warmly. At first, Muhit was embarrassed by it but later he started treating them more warmly and heartily. Often, when they met this way, Muhit tried to recollect his parents who passed away untimely. Recollecting some moments of his life, he attempted to parallel some moments of his life involuntarily. He compared her parents with his if they had been alive. He will remember for a long time the road tragedy which occurred and took the lives of his parents. He will remember it so well that he will stop discussing it with anyone altogether. Even his wife Mereke who tried to ask for details once, had made sure that it was useless. Later on she would stop those attempts. He was adopted by his uncle right away. He was almost sixteen years old back then. He will hide in the depth of his soul the pain of loss of his parents. The pain which occurs when there are so many words for your closed ones but you cannot tell them because they've already been gone. He will hide it as deeply as possible so that he begins living in a new reality. He did this so he could give his kids everything which he unfortunately lacked. Family life of Muhit and Mereke hadn’t always been as harmonious as now. Before the birth of the children they rarely had fights. Mereke went to her parents here in Aktau several times. He didn’t like it but could do nothing. So, each time he was living him after those fights, she always wanted to get divorced with him and start a new life. But her mother, a wise woman, always helped her daughter with a piece of advice. And sometimes she was criticizing her fairly. She was giving her an example by telling her different stories which happened in her own life. Explaining different moments of life, she taught her daughter to be persistent in her life and in overcoming problems and circumstances. Also she taught her not to make reckless decisions which could have spoiled her life in the future. She taught her, as she could, to rethink all situations which had occurred. Mereke would be always thankful to her for that. She was an only child. Her parents wanted to have other kids as well. Although circumstances of life, in particular, sicknesses of her mother which were going one by one, didn’t let her get pregnant again. Her mother explained it by the environmental situation, and Mereke didn’t have any other choice but to support her, listening to her rare excuses and giving her tight hugs. Of course, she felt lonely growing up in a family with no siblings but her parents, especially her dad, tried hard to put their souls in her.

When she was young, she could leave her peer friends and stay with her dad. She was interested in everything he was doing. She was helping her dad to repair his motorcycle named IZH-Planet, she was looking at him with her enchanted eyes, listening to his stories which happened to him while fishing or hunting. While even giving him necessary tools, she felt more important than her peer friends who were playing with dolls or jumping ropes… Even checking back some details of his stories, she wanted to remember and carry them in her heart as long as possible.

He was the most loved and, of course, an ideal man for her. Trying to date her peers in school years, she inevitably attempted to introduce to her dad and compare them to each other. Later on, this bond was noticed by their mom and she never was offended. Just rarely, when she was angry with her about her disobedience or different tricks, she would say “it is your daughter…” In such cases her husband and daughter looked at each other and smiled pleasantly in understanding. The time flew inevitably fast and not looking at anything, it didn’t dare to stop. Mereke was growing and turned into a normal girl from a little princess. Adored by her parents, now she was the one trying to ease their routine. Eager to get a medical education after school and become a doctor, she wanted to be devoted to this noble job and to care about her parents better in the future. But her desires and wishes were not destined to come true. She lacked only one point to get attended to Aktybinsk Medical university broke her will. She was crying for a couple of days. Afterall she realized that she needed to come home with some results and attended a medical college. To her surprise, she passed all exams easily and entered there. Now, when she saw her parents, memories of her life appeared and she couldn’t control her emotions anymore and burst into tears.

– Mereke, why are you actually crying? We are old people but we still control ourselves. Cut it out, daughter- her dad said.

– Yes, dad, sorry that your daughter is such a crybaby… I have been missing you. Dad, I’m so glad seeing you safe and sound!– she said to her dad, wiping her tears off.

– Karlygash, Kanat, my sweet grandkids! Come here again and let me kiss your faces again. Mereke, haven’t you taught them to give their faces for grandma and grandpa’s kisses? Where have you gone? – laughing and willing to catch them said Mereke’s mother, looking at Muhit.

– Why are we standing here? Daughter, why are you actually standing? Ask our grandkids to get inside. Let’s come in. You will tell all your news there,– she decided to get in the house first.

Everyone was getting inside but Mereke was willing to find the kids in the yard, stayed outside. The thing that she saw in the backyard made her stop in surprise. Kids were standing before the swings which their favorite grandpa made for them quickly. Karlygash was trying to persuade her little brother but he was still trying to climb up on them.

– Mom, Kanat doesn’t want to obey me and wants to climb the swings,– she addressed to her mom tearfully, still trying to pull her little brother’s hand off.

– Kanat, you need to always obey your sister. And you, Karlygash, well done for looking after him. That’s how it is supposed to be. He is our little one. Let’s get in. Everyone has been waiting for us,– she said it to both of them, picked up Kanat and all of them got in, having the house walked around.

In the middle of the room there was a table which seemed huge for Mereke when she had been a child. It was full of treats and it inspired children who were tired of the journey. Mereke sat by her mother and set Kanat on her knees. Karlygash was trying to place herself comfortably at the chair and stretched for a spilled glass of stewed fruit. In the middle of the table, a big bowl of fried fish was placed.

– Eat, Karlygash. Have a nice meal my sweet grandkids. Muhit, tell me, how is your job going? So you are saying that medicine has nothing to offer to the kids who have such a diagnosis for now? Is it possible that modern science is powerless to do something? I feel sorry for little kids,– he asked his son-in-law thoughtfully, looking at the clock.

– Well yes, even though science always moves on and flies further fast but unfortunately it can only ease the course of the disease, not cure it. Dad, subtle matter is involved here. Here, there are no answers but more likely there are many questions…. However we are trying not to lose our faith. I have some drafts and plans but we still need some time… And it is never enough for all of us now, as it’s said. That’s how it is… It’s not complicated because it’s hard to find the best approach and way. They are a common knowledge. I think I still need to evaluate everything. Evaluate all circumstances of his condition and choose that only way which might really help him. Now he said that to his father-in-law giving an empty cup to his wife.

– Karlygash, Kanat, help yourselves. Why aren’t you eating anything? Isn’t it tasty, your grandma cooked it for you? Oh, our grandkids have grown… I have noticed it right away. Especially our Kanat has changed. Karlygash, what are your achievements at school? And still, you’ve made the right decision to come here. The sea will be very helpful for children,– saying that, Mereke’s father moved some plates with treats to his grandkids.

– Yeah, of course, dad. The kids have grown. Unfortunately, time flies. Dad, how are you doing yourselves? Does anything bother you? Mom told me on the phone that you are suffering from backache. You don’t tell me anything. Just mom tells me something from time to time. And still involuntarily. Let me give you a massage tomorrow. Deal, dad? Karlygash, Kanat if you are done eating, let’s go, I’ll make beds for you and you’ll have a rest,– she said looking at her sleepy children. She got up and hugged her father.

– Mereke, I’d like to show you something,– said her mom and got up walking to the furthest room.

– Sure. What’s that, mom? Muhit, I’ll be right back, and put kids into beds right away,– she said following her mother.

– Mereke, I’m sorry for asking you away from the table. Let the men talk face to face. Recently your father’s changed much. He always raises the topic of his grandson. Muhit is a doctor and his opinion means much to him. Let them talk. Okay, Mereke?,– she took her by the hand.

– Sure, mom. I got you right away. I understand all of you. How about me, mom? Seeing my son this way and realizing that his condition won’t change in the future. I understand that it’s hard to see him this way to you as well… Why do I have this retribution, mom? I can’t even imagine my son’s future. Mom, I’m scared of this unknown future,– told her Mereke sadly.

– Mereke, it’s wrong! We have to accept life as it was given to us. Always thank God and don’t you dare to complain! You are stronger than any other one. I am your mother and I know how hard it’s been for you. If you don’t want us to be offended by you, don’t complin about your fate. It is a challenge, daughter. And all of us will get it through with dignity. Whatever happens, we are next to you, my girl. Is it so, Mereke?,– eager to hear the proof, her mother looked her in the eye. Yes mom, you are right. I am not complaining, these are just emotions breaking… Yes, of course, I feel Muhit’s got my back and I am infinitely happy about it. I know, mom. What you wanted to tell me. And whatever happens, I’d like to tell you one thing. I’m happy with my wonderful husband, next to my wonderful children,– she said, adjusting her dress.

– That’s good then. Okay. We’ll talk about it later about it again. Mereke, which room are you taking? Go ahead and get settled. I will make a bed for Muhit here, on the couch. He is probably exhausted by the journey. Mereke, take the bedsheets here in the wardrobe. I’m going then. Good night to you all, my dear. She kissed her grandkids and daughter, and she left them.

– Left alone, Mereke’s father wanted to ask Muhit for details. Trying to formulate his questions well, he decided to raise questions about his grandson first.

– Muhit, tell me about yourself. I’m sorry that I’m not letting you rest now. How’s everything? How’s your job going? Kanat’s grown and I’m glad for all of you. Soon he’ll become a big boy. How’s his treatment going?,– asked Muhit, his father-in-law with a sigh.

– I have no major changes. I still have the same job. We are working hard, as it’s said. The hospital moved to a new building built by the city. We are getting used to it now… Yeah, I agree, Kanat is not the same. And yes, I understand that you’d like to learn some details about him. We’ve never talked about this yet. What shall I say… I don’t even know. First of all, cerebral palsy is a set of disorders which affect human ability to move and hold a spine. Most importantly, I’ d like to mark right away, it’s a problem of condition concerning the brain. It comes from the word “cerebral”. And “palsy” means troubles with muscle control and it leads to the weakness of the whole body. Manifestations of this disorder are different and undoubtedly they correspond to the severity of condition of the kid who suffers from this disorder. Shorty, the help will be necessary throughout the whole lifetime period. Until the ability of walking independently, even using special tools, in the future. Well why would I tell you all of this? But on the other hand I know gow loving you are to your beloved grandson. We are trying to treat him as best we can. I suspect that Kanat has an atactic form. These words, of course, are not telling you anything. It is a disorder of balance and coordination. They are expressed by problems while walking and fast movement or action which needs to be controlled and needs concentration. I’ve been studying kinesiotherapy¹ for this case. I might say that I’m already done with it. Of course, we were taught this at university but it is forgotten with the time. Actually it is a massage, medical physical education and usage of special medical equipment. Speaking in simple words, it is a simple bandaging, however obvious it might sound. I am trying to get into the problem deeper and learn different materials. My friend and colleague, Pasha, recently puzzled me. I never even thought about not becoming isolated and searching for answers for my questions outside. And his simple advice was like a cold shower for me… From his words, as he claims, there are some authorial complex integral methods of rehabilitation. There is acupuncture and many other methods. Don’t be scared of such complex definitions. Actually, everything I'm telling you seems to be simple. If, of course, you want to understand. Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t have to think about it earlier. Although I’ll try to find something best for my son. By the way, we are not here for nothing. I forgot to tell you that there is an aqua therapy² which takes place in special places and pools. That is why I want to check the effect of his contact with water, staying here. Because the sea is not a pool… Mereke and I were happy for such a chance. I hope that our staying here will do good for us. Because children have a very high potential of their brains and the treatment of cerebral palsy should be started as soon as possible in our case. Definitely I don’t lose my heart. I know it’s a hard work but I’m not scared of it. Well, okay, why am I talking only about myself. How are you doing? Weren’t you suffering because of your knees? I brought you one gel which will definitely help. By the way, where are our bags?,– asked Muhit. He looked around, got up quickly and started looking through his found road bag.

– Thank you son. Thank you for telling me a lot. My worries have calmed down a little when I listened to you. Even if I’m not a specialist, I understand you like anyone else. Just tell me and I will do what I can, Muhit. I really wish God will make your plans true and give my grandson back to the others… So he can laugh and run like any other child. How tough is life sometimes. Leave that gel, go lie down. You are tired of your journey. You’ll show it tomorrow. Son, I’m glad for you that you are in your search and let Allah give you everything you are seeking for. Now I can understand the way you feel. How much work you have ahead. I will pray for you, son,– sadly said Mereke’s father. He took out of his pocket a handkerchief and wiped off his tears. Muhit looked at him and said quietly:

– No, it’s here. We will read a manual together tomorrow. I will try to explain everything there in simple words. Thank you for your sincere wishes and for listening to me. I cannot tell much to Mereke. She is a mother and reacts to my explanations badly. And what can I tell her? Do you understand me? Good night to you then, dad,– he told his father-in-law and noticed that he was upset by their conversation.

He turned off the light in the hallway, set himself on the couch comfortably and before falling asleep he wanted to feel happiness for him and his family. He felt that an upcoming meeting with the sea will help them for sure. That the sea with its salty waters will affect his son in a good way.

He was thinking about it again and again swaying in his dreams until sleep got him in its tight embrace.

In the morning he heard some noise next to him and a murmur. He opened his eyes slowly and saw Mereke and Karlygash next to him. Mereke was murmuring something to her daughter and both of them were setting dishes on the table carefully. Karlygash put something wrong and dropped the plate on the floor and cowering in fear and looking at the sleeping besides her father. She didn’t want to wake him up that much that her frozen pose scared her mother. Muhit opened his eyes smiled and winked at her.

– Daughter, why are you so clumsy? You’ll wake up your dad,– Mereke said outrageously.

– Mereke, everything’s fine, don’t blame her. Well, good morning to you!,– he said stretching and getting up.

– Dad, how are you? Good morning to you! I knew you were not sleeping. I noticed a movement of your eyelids,– said Karlygash, smiling.

– My daughter is very attentive. It’s not good to sleep long… Wow, how comfortable that couch is. You sleep in it and see everything. Karlygash, come here, I’ll give you a kiss, a little mom’s helper,– he kissed her and let her go back and help her mom.

– Darling, how did you rest? Lay down some more time until everything is ready. Or have you slept enough?.– asked him Mereke, wiping the table with a wet tissue.

– Of course, my beauty. And I’m still glad that we decided to come here. Aktau is an unusual city. The city is appealing with its sea and magnificence. Mereke, how’s your mood? I see in your eyes that you are happy to be close to your parents. Aren’t you?,-he asked his wife, still looking at the window.

– Sure, my darling,– she answered shortly, came up to him and hugged him from behind.

– I am glad right now as ever. And I want it to always be this way. I hope everything will be fine for us,– he patted her palms,not turning around.

– I’m also glad as ever, darling. Thank you for all of this. Thank you for finally having a chance to enjoy these places together, as a family. I would like to show the most special ones. I hope we will be able to find some time for that. And how about my parents, don’t you think they are happy as well? They are the ones who will not find the place in delight because we are here… Of course, their happiness is special, isn’t it, Muhit?, she asked him not letting him go.

– How could I not agree with you, love? What do we have for breakfast?, asked Muhit.

– We will start our meal in a couple of moments, darling. My mom has been making something since early morning. Something tasty. Do you smell it?,– she asked him, smiling, still hugging.

– Have you been snuggling since an early morning, my sweethearts? How are you doing, son? Was it comfy here? Perhaps, I should have made your bed in some other place, Muhit? Have you had enough sleep? Let’s sit at the table, kids. Where are my sweet grandkids? If they are still sleeping, let them sleep. Mereke, where is your father?,– she asked, putting in the middle of the table huge pieces of fried fish with sauce. She questioned her daughter eith a glance.

– My mouth is watering. Everything looks amazing, mom. I can’t wait to try it all. I’m going to rinse my face. I can even say I’m running as fast as I can,– his words made both of them smile.

After having breakfast in an unrushed manner, Muhit offered Mereke to walk down the river bank. The sun and the coastal views were making them happy. Cleaning the table up as fast as possible, Mereke was already dressing Kanat up. Karlygash was rarely looking at her mom, listening to her grandma and nodding.

The road to the bank took a little time. A light sea breeze was rolling small waves to the bank restlessly. The sea and the bank were as if dove-friends cooing, murmuring about something important to each other. As if they were saying something sweet and tender to each other. Just sometimes, seagulls were disturbing them, trying to disrupt their invisible secret conversation. Everything around was surrounded by fresh and mild sea wind. Even the steppe with its sands was trying to inhale this breath of life with its chest exhausted of heat. Although local sands as infinite witnesses of the gone days of their friend the Sea, “were silent gloomy and kept its intimate secrets…”

– Dad, mom, we would like to have a swim. Can we, mom?,– suddenly asked Karlygash, trying hard to keep her little brother away from water.

– Kids, the water is not warm enough yet. Let’s come here after lunch, I know one really beautiful place here. Is that a deal?,– replies Mereke a little angrily.

She looked around and tried to pull her closer.

– Your mom is saying the right thing, kids. Shouldn’t you be better prepared? Mereke let’s move out of here. I would like to show this lighthouse to our kids. Some time ago your father told me some stories about it. I think kids might find them interesting as well. Let me put Kanat on my shoulders and he will be our real lighthouse, looking down at everyone,– he said while setting his son on his shoulders so fast that he didn’t have enough time to react. Muhit looked at his wife and burst into laughter. The walk was great just as they’d expected. Emotions after the morning walk around the beach settled down. Children were already tired and emptied their cold drinks, wishing to lay down and rest.

– Well, kids, did your parents exhaust you with their walk?,– seeing them tired asked their grandma.

– Grandma, I saw a lighthouse…,– said Kanat in a tired but vain manner.

– Isn’t it great, Kanat? I’m your grandma and you should always tell me about everything that you like,love,– replied cheerfully his grandma and gave him a little sweet.

– It’s actually good that you walked down the coast. Local air is curing, Muhit. It’s not just good that you came but also that you didn’t leave your kids back in Kyzylorda,– added Mereke’s father, trying to adjust tv’s antenna.

– Mereke, let me rest before teatime. Please hand me that pillow, darling,– Muhit stretched his arm, addressing Mereke.

– Sure, darling. You all should have a rest. I will go and help my mom,– she said to Muhit, giving him the nearest pillow and running quickly to the kitchen.

On the next day Muhit and his family went to the beach. There was great weather just like the day before. Small, warm sea waves were rolling, calming the consciousness down.

Mereke was messing around with Kanat. She walked him to the sea after getting him ready quickly. Muhit took Kanat’s other hand and all of them dived into the sea cheerfully. Karlygash was already standing there covered in water by her waistline and met them with splashes. Kanat replied to her with the same splashes. He was happy and glowing.

– Mereke, there are stones nearby. They are slippery. Be careful. Don’t let Karlygash, children, climb them… I will be right back, darling. I will walk to the car and come back. I want to take a photo as a memory. Darling, look after Kanat. Don’t you see he is trying to free?,– he said that walking out of water and still watching them, he walked to the car.

– Yes, darling, I’ll watch them,– she replied and continued to splash their children.

Having spent some time by the car, Muhit raised his head and heard a scream for help coming from the water. He couldn’t believe his eyes and ears. Mereke was holding their son in water and screaming and crying loudly.

– Mereke, get him out of water, Mereke, watch for his heart rate. Is it there?,– Muhit dropped everything and ran to his wife, screaming.

– Muhit, I never let him out of my hands. I didn’t notice that stone, darling. Kanat, say something, breathe, love,– sobbing said Mereke.

– The heart rate is faint, it’s hard to palpate, Mereke. We need to call an emergency, love. He got hit in the occipital part of the brain. Oh, yes, we have a car… I’ll get him to the hospital. Don’t panic, Mereke. We have to get through… Take Karlygash and got home with her. I will go to the hospital.– he said so and put his son carefully at the backseat of the car and went to the city center.

He came to the hospital quickly and gave his son to the doctors . He stayed there to wait for the results of the prior examination and talk to the doctors. After some time the doctor walked up to Muhit and, looking through his notes, decided to check out:

– Our nurse told us that you were our colleague. I will tell you directly. Your son has a fracture of the skull base. I suppose that there is a dislocation of the brain³. It all happened because of the inner-brain bleeding or swelling of brain which might have created some pressure, pressing the brain to the bottom of the skull. I had a chance to call for a specialist and told him that we conducted a physical examination in order to state the severity of the injury. We need urgent surgery. The sooner we conduct it, the safer your son will be. You have to understand me and we understand you as well. With all our desire we cannot let you be present at the surgery…. There is a vast wound, pressed bone of the occipital bone of the skull. Perhaps there might be bleeding into the brain and all connected with those consequences. Unfortunately, as your colleague, I can only say that now. Now, if you give permission, we will be preparing a room for surgery. We cannot slow down! Do you understand what I am talking about? I can only advise you not to lose your heart. We will do everything possible… The surgery will be held by an experienced kids surgeon. I will assist him,– said the surgeon, disturbing from his notes on the last phrase, looking at him over his glasses.

Muhit felt something cold coming from him and looked his speaker in the eye and decided to ask him for something.

– Yes I clearly understand what is going on. But ain’t I a doctor?! Let me be present at the surgery with you. I will only observe,– begged Muhit.

– Yes, of course, I’ll give my agreement. The child is suffering from cerebral palsy,– the doctor looked at him with an empty glance,looking at him and then back, he went further on and hushed.

– We will do everything possible. Don’t worry. We will do everything possible… I am sorry but I have already told you my vision about your presence at this surgery,– he said it circling his shoulders with his arms, asked for somebody and quickly went away from him.

The surgery lasted for two hours. Mereke was trying to be absent-minded and praying, not letting his hand go. Her eyes were full of tears but the presence of her husband calmed her a little. Muhit was silent, trying to imagine the outcome of surgery warily. He was trying to imagine everything which seemed to be far and alien for him till now… Everything but not this nightmare which happened to his family at one time, this grief.

The time on the clock, frozen as if made of stone, hands, didn’t dare to move further. After two hours doctors came up to them and told him that the surgery was complicated but still went well. They stood up next to him for a little while and went away. Muhit saw how tired they were and decided not to ask them for details. They were not important to him now. He wanted to learn them for himself in a couple of days. When all worries were supposed to fade away a little and his son would get, at least a little, better. He was still worried inside and looked at his wife, trying to find the most proper words to comfort her.

– Mereke, you heard everything. I will stay here. You go home. Calm them all down. He is probably still in the intensive care room sleeping. Go home, darling. You’ve heard what the doctors said. We only have to pray to God and ask him to give strength to our boy to fight,-he looked at her patting her arm.

– But how would I leave, darling? I want to stay next to you, Muhit. I feel guilty. Can I explain the way it happened, darling?,– she begged in a quiet voice.

– Don’t tell me anything, Mereke. Especially at this moment… Is it the right moment for us to explain to each other? Let Kanat be awaken. Let him get better. I am still worried inside just as you are, Mereke. It obviously was a complicated and urgent surgery.

He was still going through some details frantically in his mind. He still couldn’t calm his mind. It was noticed because he was struggling to choose the right words for Mereke. Painful hours have passed without giving any good news about Kanat’s condition. After waiting, Muhit decided to find the right moment and ask the nurse about the doctors who were operating his son. At this very moment the doctors appeared at the hallway. One of the doctors who talked to him before was also there. They met each other’s looks and he decided to come up to him again. Making a deliberate pause, he addressed him again:

– I explained to you the way the surgery had gone. I’ve just walked out of the intensive therapy room. You have to understand that your son is under anesthesia. I shouldn’t tell you that at the beach the boy got a fracture on his skull which led to all consequences, indeed. You saw it and had to diagnose it right the way. The skull bone was opened and some of the bone parts were removed. I was afraid of the risk of brain swelling and bleeding of your son. Mostly, the purpose of our involvement was to prevent the risk of post traumatic inflammation of brain membranes of your child. Of course you understand that the concept of post-traumatic stress is connected with the future… Whoever it is, and us, as well, we try hard to get a positive outcome of the conducted surgery. I think you understand it yourself. Doctors are still here but soon they’ll be gone… Would you like to talk to them? Let me invite that kids’ surgeon,– he said with his eyes tired.

– I understand that now everything is in God’s hands… I also want to hope that his body will fight… Let us not lose our hearts and hope for the best,– added he and he looked at his watch and started looking for a nurse in a desire to leave.

– Yes, I would like to speak to that neurosurgeon. Thank you for your kind words, colleague. I need to ask him about the severity of my boy’s condition. Each nuance of the surgery is important to me. I’m not a neurosurgeon but you still have to understand my condition. I speak more as a father of this child than a doctor here. Can I at least look at my son? Even if he is still under anesthesia.

Both of them went to the staffroom. After he came back from there, he tried to explain everything to his wife Mereke in simple words. She listened to everything firmly and after her husband ended his narration, she cuddled him up and cried quietly.

– Why are we going through this, darling? Does God really want to take away our son? Tell me, Muhit, don’t be silent,– she said in a worried trembling voice.

– It’s all given to us as a challenge, Mereke. I only hope for the best… Hope that our son will fight for his life. So you also have to pray for Kanat’s health. Okay, darling? And don’t you dare to think about anything bad, sweetheart,– he said, patting her hands.

Muhit and Mereke stayed in the hallway of the hospital in desire to be closer to their son. They had nothing to say to each other. So they were waiting for the news from the intensive therapy room quietly. Mereke couldn’t help but cry quietly from time to time. And Muhit was trying to comfort her by patting her shoulders.

Chapter 2. Breakdown

The grief which happened to Muhit really knocked him down. Kanat died without regaining consciousness after staying in the intensive care room for a couple of days. He disappeared as a bright ray of son. He shone their lives bright but didn’t even say good-bye and left them stay on the Earth. On the dull and perishable Earth where everything reminded of him and grieved. Pavel, as his close friend, noticed it when he visited him to express his condolences when he came to Kyzylorda. It was hard to recognize Muhit. His face was twisted with pain. If some other people didn’t notice this, it said much to his friend. And even more… He was a broken person then but he had always been a cheerful and sympathetic friend of his before. His lively eyes were empty, the look was spread. Pavel saw his friend in such condition for the first time and it confused him. He didn’t appear at his work for a month or so. He disappeared, faded away…It started concerning Pavel. He tried to call him but Muhit didn’t answer his calls. Attempts to find him didn’t give him a successful result. Nobody opened the door of his house. Neighbors didn’t know anything about him whether he was home or not. It all concerned Pavel very much but he didn’t lose hope to find Muhit. He wanted to speak as a friend to him. Although he didn’t know what to do and the way the problem might be solved. This despair and anxiety was noticed by his colleagues at work and it was surprising for them because it was not characteristic of Pavel. He was always very tactful and reserved even at the times it was hard to be whether speaking of private or working deals. However he was not just worried about the fact that he couldn’t find his friend but for something he was really scared of deep down. It was concern to find him safe and sound…. His colleagues were aware of the fact that he had a tragedy in his family and he was in mourning then. Nobody could even imagine what he was feeling. Perhaps each of them wanted to learn about him from his friend but even Pavel was scared of those questions. He just had nothing to say. He didn’t want to lie to them but what’s more,he didn’t want to lie to himself. Those thoughts were wearing him down. And once he decided to fix the following situation and went straight to his house.

Each time he was going through the conversation in his mind. Even though they were arguing a lot, each of them always gave a pleasant smile at the end of conversation. He missed those moments the most. But he was mostly concerned by Mereke’s calls. He knew that she wasn’t home next to Muhit, she stayed at her parents’ house in Aktau. So the concern for his friend was as heavy as the rock. The rock was named Muhit. The rock which also needed some support. And even being at the edge of the abyss, the rock didn’t want to acknowledge that…

He decided to walk to his house. He wanted to think over the conversation in case he was really lucky to meet him. Deep inside he didn’t even have hope for that. But a minute's hope was still warming him inside. The journey to Muhit’s house took him around an hour. Letting the passersby go and trying not to pay attention to them, he was trying to imagine the moment they met inside of his mind. The upcoming conversation was really scaring him. But a desire to meet and hug his friend as he used to do in the past was incredible.

He got to Muhit’s house and stayed by the door for some time. Then he decided to knock on his door. Nobody opened it. He was standing by the door thinking and turned around when he heard the sound of an upcoming person. The person smelt badly. He had a beard and shaggy hair covered with a cap which was shifted from his head didn’t let anybody see his face. He had a bottle with some liquid in his hand, Pavel didn’t even want to know what it was. Pavel wanted to let him pass by and pulled over to the door behind and started to even cover his nose. But that person looked directly at him and asked in a grumpy and strange but familiar voice:

– Why did you come? Won’t you let me in, to my home? Get out of my door,– the stranger said angrily.

– Who are you?,– asked him Pavel. At that time he tried to take a closer look in the eyes of the stranger.

– Why are you standing here by the door? Who did you come to? I mean, let me in my home,– he grunted in response.

– Is that you, Muhit? I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you. Look at the way you look. I’m glad to see you,– he attempted to come closer and give him a hug.

– Don’t hug me, Pasha. You'll get dirty. Why are you here? I don’t want to see anyone. He addressed him walking through the opened door. I came to you to have a talk. Will you meet your friend this way now? It’s not characteristic of you. If you don’t let me in, I will not come back here anymore.– he said sharply. After speaking provocatively, he turned around as if leaving. After some pause he answered:

– Pasha come in. Yes you are a friend of mine and you can be angry with me and tell me any words but now… I didn’t expect to see you,– he said quietly, wiping his eyes. He left and went inside of the room. Pavel came in and was shocked by the surroundings of the house. The house was in a terrible mess. There were empty alcohol bottles everywhere. The smell of the spilled on the floor liquid was cutting the nose. The wallpaper was drawn with a marker and ripped off in some places. A big mirror in the hallway was broken and there were spots of blood on it.

– I am sorry Muhit that I came with no disclaimer. I wanted to see you. I think we should’ve talked. What would I say, Muhit? I am sorry that you lost your son. Kanat was like a son to me. Accept this loss my friend. Of course, I never wish anyone to experience this. But you? You, Muhit, will break for this? I’ve seen enough now,– sadly said Pavel.

– And what now? Are you ashamed of me? No one makes you stay. You can leave now. You say my Kanat was like a son to you? Who cares for that and who remembers that? Did you come here to remind me of that? Where were you when I felt bad? When everything screamed inside of me. What can I say about it? You haven’t seen me this way and now you are horrified? I’m not happy with my appearance as well. But I can’t do anything about it now. Do you think it’s easy for me? I can’t go through the pain in my soul. It is killing me inside. My boy Kanat was like yesterday…. Why did you leave me here Pasha? Tell me, you know,– he asked sarcastically, sipping from the bottle.

– It’s my karma which got me Pasha. Don't understand me? Who am I for my fate? Just some bug. And if it was, it was like this… I am worse, Pasha,– continued Muhit sarcastically, and began to empty the bottle.

– Muhit, I’ve always been near you. It was you who gid in your shell and now you are making faces at me. Or are my tears for him different? You can be angry because something went wrong this or other way. You can start and continue your life as if fate never challenged you. It doesn’t seem mad to me. Who are you, Muhit? Will you just give up? I will not believe in that, my friend. I understand you as no one can. Do you think that sitting here and drinking could make him alive? What have you turned your life to? Where are Mereke and Karlygash? Tell me. Didn’t you say that you valued your family the most? It’s all very strange. It’s not just strange that you are broken. It’s strange that you didn’t stay next to your loved ones,– turning at him, Pavel looked him in his eyes. The eyes full of tears were looking at his wounded soul and couldn’t do anything about it. At that moment, he noticed a piece of paper falling out of his pocket. He had a chance to see the details. It was the photo of Kanat. The photo of his son was lying on the floor and wasn’t noticed by his father. Ut looked bravely but sadly at his father. As if it was an invisible spirit it tried to be present and horrify… It was horrified by the one who its father turned to. It was horrified by the amount of transformation the grief, his death, brought to the life of his some- time- ago loved father.. He was looking from the photo, waving his arms as a far echo. No one knew what both Pavel and Muhit would have in the future. The fate was swinging now around each of them. The hurricane of events was coming. It was coming according to the laws of life, known only by it.

– Muhit, pick up the photo. It fell off your pocket. It will get dirty for sure,– politely addressed him Pavel, pointing his finger at it.

– My handsome boy. I’m so sorry for not shielding you. It was my fault that you left us so small,– murmured Muhit in a low voice, quickly kissed the photo and put it back in his pocket.

– Would you be the one to judge me, Pasha? Do you think I’m wasting my life? Well, maybe you’re right. Who are you and who am I now? I’ve reached the bottom. I am a useless drunkard, Pasha. Do you think it’s easy for me and I don’t think about anything? If only I could live this way, my friend. I’m even scared to ask God for anything. Shall I ask and lose it? How can I go on, Pavel? I’m disappointed in everything. Who else could I tell about it but you. But I would be really surprised if you didn’t know all of that. Pasha, look how handsome he was. He is looking at me as if he isn’t happy I’m not with him as well. I was his rock. I was but didn’t become… I really wanted to be someone important and necessary to him in life. I wanted to teach him everything I know. I wanted to show him the world the way I knew it. Why are all people happy and upset about…. Yes, I dare to say so after what I’ve experienced. Frankly speaking, I’m sick of this world because it is a pure evil which takes happiness away from us. What shall I aim, Pasha? Tell me. To the things which you’ll eventually lose? This photo, it’s the only one I have. It is my savior and my death at the same time now… Look, how handsome he was… Look at the way he is laughing, Pasha. He laughed so rarely for his short life so, Pasha, does it mean that I was the only one I lived for? Mereke and my daughter left me alone. Maybe they wanted me to accept the loss as a fact and took away all of his photos. And I don’t want to think this way… It hurts to think that I could kill him with my inaction. It seems to me that I am a useless man, a useless doctor. But perhaps the word “doctor” doesn’t relate to me after everything that has happened. Who needs me after turning away from me? Only my son needed me and God took him away from me. Why? Tell me why do we lose our children? Is it all a challenge for us? Let this challenge go to hell then! To hell! I was supposed to be in his shoes. He is there, instead of me, Pasha. I am tortured by this guilt. Why doesn’t God take us? Aren’t our lives enough? Every day I die with my son in my mind and you know, it makes me happy… I’m happy that I laugh with him and I'm close to him… I tell him some of my stories and he listens to me attentively. I can even feel his tight handshake. Pasha, can you imagine it can be this way… And he doesn’t want to leave me, however strange it is… But the morning comes and everything goes on again. I anticipated this tragedy, my friend. I knew that something was going to happen. I feel everything, Pasha. I saw some kind of giant or some creature which wanted to tell me something. At least I felt it by the look of his eyes. The giant was looking at me with desperate eyes. It was a sign, Pasha. It wanted to warn me about something. Do you think these were just dreams? If only it was this way. If only we understood everything the fate wanted to tell is or prevent from… Unfortunately I can’t get out of this circle, Pasha. Aren’t you a father as well? You saw the way I lived, how happy I was and having my plans for life… It came out that our life is just a fiction. Just one empty lie, Pasha? Even though he was suffering from cerebral palsy, I was getting ready to make his life easier… I never regretted that I had a son with such a diagnosis. The only thing important for me was to just be next to him. Just be next to him to always have a chance to kiss him… And what’s now? All of my knowledge, all my experience, was it an empty idea, my friend? There’s no meaning in anything! That’s what I understood. I lost my rock. This is probably how people die. So I will disappear and no one will notice… None of my presence and my tears, my friend,– he sobbed looking at the photograph.

– You are right, Muhit. Yes, sometimes life gives us challenges, it happens. I believe each of your words. But I have nothing to say back. And I don’t think that you’ve lost your mind. You are adequate, indeed. But because you see and know that Life crushes everything around and takes your closest people away from you. Of course, if only all of those hardships would avoid us… Muhit, don’t blame anyone. Everything has a God willing. Time will heal and put everything in the right place. Be strong. Accept what happened as a fact and let his soul go to heaven. You are doing no good for him by not letting him go because of your bad pain. Do it for him, Muhit… A true power of a person is not found in impulses and emotions. I feel it’s found in calmness and awareness of what happened… I’m not sure if it’s appropriate but I want to say that every person needs a goal. Please, listen up, Muhit. If it’s right or not, that’s not what I’m talking about. The goal changes the person. The scale of the goal changes the scale of the person. In each challenging life circumstances the person survives because of their goal. Such people are different. And this goal keeps a person together so that they would strive for something, Muhit. Now I don’t see it, this basis of yours, my friend, Muhit. Haven’t we gone through many things? We have seen the good and the evil. We gave people hope to live and enjoyed when we managed to change somebody’s life for the good. Wasn’t it our dream when we entered medical school and decided to be doctors? So pull yourself together, my friend,– Pavel looked at him sadly. Muhit had tears running down on his cheeks and didn’t even attempt to stop them. They were sliding down and disappeared in his gray beard. As if they disappeared in the sand…

– Pasha, you know me. If only I could get it all back. Could I ask my fate about this? I blame myself for his death, my friend. It is so. I can’t see my reflection in the mirror. I’m sick of myself, my friend. Answer me, Pasha, how can I live on? How can I ignore the fact that I’m that very Muhit? I can’t do so, Pasha, and you know it. I would want to be lying in the wet ground instead of him. Because he had to live for many years,– he said in a shaken voice.

– Muhit, that’s not the way I imagined our conversation. And I really expected that we might have had a calm, close talk… Perhaps I came at the wrong time. I hit home with my visit… I’d better go. You are the only one who has answers for all of your questions. Whoever you’ve been, I’ll always be your friend. Remember that. And I will not stay aside in case you need me. I will visit you again in a couple of days and maybe then we’ll manage to talk. We’ll talk seriously and not emotionally. Is it a deal, Muhit?,– he said and stood up from his chair and walked in the direction of the door. Just for a moment he noticed some kind of a smile on his face while he was looking at his son’s photo but it disappeared right away.

– To speak in a calm manner? If only everything that you said would be this way, Pasha. If only everything you said was not like this. But what’s the point of awareness if the heart is bleeding? There is no remedy from it, unfortunately. I’ll be waiting for you, Pasha,– he said in the empty space and Pavel didn’t hear it while going downstairs.

After coming back home, Pavel couldn’t get himself together for a long time. The conversation with Muhit didn’t leave his mind. Even his wife noticed something strange. She noticed that he was concerned and during the dinner she asked him:

– Pavel, is everything okay with you? Is there anything wrong with your job? You didn’t even touch the food… Shall you have some rest? This new position of yours has really worn you out… Perhaps you should refuse your new position of the head of the department? You didn’t want to have it from the beginning. You are a good doctor. Let somebody else take this position… Do you think it’s pleasant for me as well? I see that something is going on,– his wife Irina stood up worried.

– You know, Irisha, I visited Muhit today. Yes, it was him. But I couldn’t recognize the poor thing right away. I’m afraid something bad might happen if I don’t stop him. All my mind is occupied with him, Irisha. I’m sorry. I was not just terrified by his appearance. I was terrified by his words, sweetheart. His words cut me like a knife… Those were the words of a father who truly and madly loved his child… It’s not even about the fact that I’ve been asked about him all these days at work. But I can’t do anything at work after that… I feel so sorry for him anyways. He is my only friend. I couldn’t even recognize him. The grief, the tragic loss of his son is killing him, poor thing he is. He is drinking over all possible limits. He will destroy himself this way. I need to visit him again in a couple of days. I promised him. Maybe he didn’t hear my words but when I was walking away, I told him so. But as his friend I want to be honest with him and keep my word. And I will do so. He has nobody around now, all alone, It is me who has to help him to break this vicious circle now. Otherwise all of us will lose this great person… That’s what I saw at his home,– he said sadly and thoughtfully.

– Yeah, I agree with you, Pavel. He is a great person. Help him if it’s possible. Even his wife is not around him, which is a pity… You said she calls you rarely… Why did she leave that poor thing alone? Pavel, let me heat your dinner up again. You need to eat. You shouldn’t torture yourself with his problems. I’ve been worried for you, Pavel,– she said with a concerned look.

– Yes, she calls me every week and cries all the time. She wants to learn about him. Who else could she also call but me? Do you think I should’ve told him about her calls today? Should I’ve told him so that he would begin blaming himself for that one as well? What a fool I’ve been! I was covering myself up with work while he was suffering… And now I understand Mereke. She didn’t leave him forever. She knows him so well. She knows his personality. She knows that he will not let everyone live until he sorts all the things out. That’s how his brain works, Irisha. He is Muhit and he has to go till the end… He has to understand and realize what happened. To accept what happened and, the most crucial part, understand himself. How didn’t I get it right away? It is not in the power of anyone to realize what happened to his son. But he is not a simple person. He will not just give up. And if I know him right, he is this kind of person! Oh, my friend. You have the right to be offended with me. That I started understanding you only now. Thank you, Irina, for your conversation. Now I’m really hungry. Oh, Irisha, this is how all of us, men, are. We are complicated and simple. It’s like everything is concealed but if you take a closer look, everything is located on the surface,– he said to his wife in a more lively manner.

– Pavel, you are so smart. Do what you intend. And if your heart says that you’re doing the right thing, go ahead then. We are also growing kids… I know how much you value your friendship with Muhit. Pavel, I got so moved while I was listening to you. And I understand him now. And poor Mereke! How is she now? She feels twice as hard,– she was saying that while watching her beloved husband operating with silvery deftly, while eating.

– Thank you for these words. You have never been more right. That’s what I’m thinking about. That he needs those important words. And I have some hope that our conversation hasn’t been useless. But what is waiting for us in the future? You know, Irina, I have a feeling that he needs some kind of support. He needs something to push away and leave that place. The place which might not let him go now. Yes, I felt it all today and I guess I need to think more. I need to think more and get prepared for our next conversation,– he said that without raising his head and went on with his dinner.

These two days have gone so fast. Pavel had an image of his friend all these days. He was tensed by the idea that his friend might not be eager to see him. He left his job a little earlier and headed to Muhit’s place again. He took some food with him and went upstairs right to his apartment. The door was not locked, he pushed it and went in. Muhit was sleeping on the sopha. Nothing had changed as it was before. The things were all around. The empty alcohol bottles were thrown everywhere around. It all caught Pavel’s eyes. After thinking for a little he opened the window to let the fresh air in. The fresh flow came up to the room right away. He took off his jacket and started cleaning up. He took away all unnecessary things, including the empty bottles. Muhit was still sleeping tightly. And only when he started to move chairs which were lying on the floor, he heard his groaning.

– Who’s here? Who are you? Walk away whoever you are,– he said in a rude sleepy voice.

– It’s enough to lay here as an old man. You’ve been lying here and trying to command me. You’d better help me,– shortly but confidently said Pavel and started laughing, surprised by himself.

– Is that you, Pasha? What are you doing here? What have you done to the room? Have I asked you to do something? I don’t wanna see you. Thank you, indeed, but leave me alone. I’m not ready to talk to you today,– he said, confused but showing his unpleasure, still lying on the sopha.

– I've heard you, Muhit. You are feeling sorry for yourself that’s why you’ve been doing this to you. What are you looking like? What does your apartment look like? Is that you, Muhit? Is that Muhit who always gave me valuable pieces of advice?! Get ready. We’re going to my home. Irina cooked something there. She’s not home so we’ll spend some time there. She went to Almaty to see her parents. You’ll eat. And take a shower as well. When was the last time you ate something, Muhit? If you wish, I can be silent…. Just let me help you clean up here,– he said puting the tissue away.

– What kind of food? Have you lost your mind, Pasha? Let it all go to hell. Please, leave, Pasha. You see that I’m not ready for anything. You hurt me with your presence, Pasha. Or is it pleasant for you to torture me with yoyr questions?– Muhit asked him as if begging.

– Muhit, you remember I told you I was feeling low? It happened, remember? Nothing was going well for me. The work was all wrecked, my wife was sick and hospitalized… I needed to be everything and be on time. I told you then why everything was going wrong for me. Unlike the others. I experienced a sudden happiness and sadness and concern for my family. It was throwing me back and forth… Do you remember, Muhit? Everything around seemed to be one solid problem. And you told me only one phrase which put everything in its place right away… You told me then: what do you want, Pasha? You are a doctor and always need to hold your head high. That many people watch us and find some kind of support in us. At least some kind of support. Life is like a heart rate monitor. Yeah, that’s what you said. And I was even surprised by your response. And it is actually true. Doesn’t everything we see and everything happening prove your theory? I told myself you were a genius then. You noticed everything around and made such a comparison. It’s true, a heart rate is jumping up and down, a straight line is for the dead… So you have to remember that life is all about ups and downs. It will remind you that you have to go back. Did your words help me then? Obviously, they did, Muhit. But now take your own words back and address them to your own self! Yes, you’re having a really hard time now, I understand! I don’t judge you for doing all of these to yourself recently. Find yourself, my friend! You are the only one who’s able to answer all the questions in your head! Take a sit and watch other people who lost all of their families. Listen to what they were dreaming about… Haven’t you seen such people while working? You might be on top of your happiness. Maybe you’ve got everything many people are wishing for? It’s your life and your family… You are safe and sound, you have your arms and legs… Yes, you lost a son. But you lost him, not killed yourself. Remember that. I understand that your heart is broken. But you’re a man. It’s time to stop running away from yourself but make decisions. Once and forever. You have always done it. It’s characteristic only of you,– he said standing up.

– They left me. Mereke and Karlygash. They left me alone. Do you understand, Pasha, who I am right now? A father who wrecked his child? Do I dare to live on Earth after this tragedy? Tell me, why are you torturing me? Would you like to see me like this and make fun of me? Say it directly, why are you torturing me? Would you like to see me this way and make fun of me? Yes, I’m nothing! It is my choice. I want to suffer, Pasha. I couldn’t help when I had to, not like a father but like a doctor. And he needed me! He was waiting for me, I remember his last glance, addressed to me. As it turned out, it was his last glance. It’s curious to observe the way a person who used to be successful is dying inside. Especially if this person is you… You walk around with no emotions and only observe the way people are keeping away from you and look scornfully behind your back… Alcohol is my rock right now, that's why I’m addicted to it, my friend. Pasha, have you ever felt scorn from people who saw you the way you’d never been before? Yes, it’s like that, there’s no other way. And they have no sympathy for me. But isn’t it what I want? It’s my punishment for my crime, friend. I need scorn because I deserved it like no one else. Now you understand me, Pasha? I really wish to disappear. I want everyone to forget me… Would I want to become myself as I used to be before? Would I want to be loved and to love? Unfortunately, it’s all left in the past. My life is over, Pasha. My life has no meaning when it’s empty,– he told so and dropped a half-empty bottle of vodka and cried quietly, covering his face.

– No. No and no again. Remember, my friend, Mereke and Karlygash would be delighted if you stopped acting this way. Who else, if not her, would cry when thinking of you, Muhit. And Karlygash is your most beautiful martin, have you forgotten about her? And about the decision to visit us or not, you’ve found the one who might give up on you? Let’s dine together and then you can do what you want, my friend. And, by the way, there’s one more talk. And this talk is very important to me,-said Pavel affirmatively, pulling the closest chair and sitting down. He looked at his eyes trying to notice something more than he’d seen before. At least some little change which might push him to something good, something which might make his friend the way he used to be before. The one who he used to be. And the one who he was proud of being a good friend. Muhit sat up and trailed to the kitchen, tottering. He drank some tap water there and came back in desire to ask something. He looked at him and looked down on the floor.

– Will she not be home today for sure? I’m asking about Irina. I’ll be ashamed to appear this way in front of her. Aren’t you lying to me, Pasha? Don’t tell me about the way I’ve changed. My present appearance is my protection and my protest for society. But mostly it’s my protest for myself. So you came here to talk to me? Let’s talk here then. These days I don’t need anything from anyone. What other kind of talk would you like to have with me? Would you like to ask me about the job? By the way, how is everything at our work? How are our colleagues? I don’t even know the date. Pasha, did you fire me? Tell me directly,friend. I won’t even be offended. Soon they’ll forget me. There was some Muhit and there’s no any Muhit… I know it all. Don’t I? Don’t you think I never thought of that?,– he asked, coming closer to Pavel.

– I have nothing to explain to you. I don’t want to flatter you as well. I’m your friend and you know it. I’m the one you can always rely on even when your world is breaking. Muhit. We still need you. And most of all I need you,– replied Pavel shortly. And after these words Muhit and Pavel hugged tightly.

– Thank you for these words, Pasha. I didn’t even expect any other from you. I’m ashamed to look you in the eyes. All this time. I’m sorry for all of this, Pasha. I have lost my heart before you,– he let his hand go and left to rinse his face.

– Muhit we’ll talk about it later. Let’s get out. I’ll tell you one case which occured in our department on the way home,-he let him forward and locked the door of the apartment.

Muhit took a shower, ate well and went to bed already prepared by Pavel. He was experiencing a whole range of different emotions and couldn’t fall asleep. He tried to remember everything, literally every detail, every tiny thing but each time he was still tripping on the same thing and stopped his attempt to go back in the past.

– Pasha, are you sleeping?,– he asked his question through the darkness of the room.

– Can’t you sleep as well? Do you remember I passed over a conversation when you were at your house?,– asked Pavel in the darkness.

– Yes, sure, I remember. What did you want to talk to me about? Don’t make me wait for long, Pasha,– asked Muhit in a concerned voice.

– I need some advice from you. It’s a thing which concerns both of us. If you’re ready to talk to me, I turn the light on, then, Muhit,– he got up and started putting on his clothes.

– I don’t have any sleep and you are intriguing me. I’m getting up. Make up some tea then. Tell what you wanted to discuss,-replied Muhit and started putting on his clothes.

– I don’t want to walk around, Muhit. I went up to the management with some offer to start an adaptive medicine office. Do you understand what I’m talking about? You are aware of the fact that nowadays we have many special children. By “special” I mean kids who have such disorders as cerebral palsy, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, delayed psycho-speech development, Down’s syndrome, and autism, of course. Indeed, we need to define our aims and prior and secondary tasks at the stage of appeal. Of course, my goal is to create such a center. We need a well-coordinated work of the team of specialists which will get to their achievements. It would provide the effectiveness of rehabilitation. What would you say on that one, Muhit?,– Pavel looked at his thoughtful friend.

– Why are you telling me that? I can’t understand one thing. You know about my son, who was suffering from cerebral palsy…. And you dare to ask me this question? Are you mocking me? Why did you start this conversation? You started so well but now you’re leading to the same. Why are you raising this topic again, Pasha?,– said Muhit angrily.

– You’re absolutely right, Muhit. Please listen to me till the end. I’m begging you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings… My goal is not this, friend. I’m telling you this because you are my candidate for this place. Yes, I know that you wanted to help your son and I’m sure that if there was no tragic accident, you’d achieve the desired result. But sadly… Something which everyone can experience happened. Please listen to me and don’t disturb me. All of us are mortal, my friend. Don’t you want to finish what you’ve started and help children in need? You are a true doctor, Muhit, and I’m proud to be your colleague. Yes, of course, we can’t get Kanatik back… However there are other children who also need your help. I know the way you were learning this problem and how deep you dug into each article, will you bury all of your knowledge? We discussed it together and argued over it… Acknowledging that you are needed here and now and not daring to give a hand to all children in need? I will not stay away as well and would be glad to help you if only you began this grand thing, Muhit. Let’s begin this big thing and some other specialists will join us. They will catch up with our beginnings for sure,– he said looking at photos of both of them taken at their workplace, hung up on the wall, sadly.

– Pasha, do you think it’s easy to get over everything that happened to me and my sin again? Tell me straight away. Do you think it’s easy to see these children but not see my own son who’s not alive anymore? Frankly speaking, I’d like to quit work. How about their eyes full of pain and despair, and hope? I need to think it over, Pavel. If there weren’t those cursed slippery stones, Pavel. If there wasn’t a moment I lost my focus… Pasha, I can only tell you one thing. I can’t help thinking that I was the one who had it done with my son. If I hadn’t been that careless, that accident wouldn’t have happened. I never told it to anyone. You’re the only one to hear it. I still cry when I remember him. Although why I’m telling you that, you saw my tears… Simultaneously I’m an animal and absolutely nothing, my friend,– he sobbed and went to the bathroom. He tried to calm down there. He wiped off his tears and saw his reflection for the first time in many days. It broke his heart even more and he regretted that he accepted an offer from a friend to come over.

After some time they were in the kitchen and went on his conversation, drinking some tea. It was a late night but each of them wanted to have a chance to speak up. Pavel tried to listen more son his friend could have a chance to get rid of his emotions. And he also tried to ask him the same questions. Muhit was hard to be recognized. He was interested in everything. Perhaps even concealing it from his friend, Muhit was trying to look into the future and make some of his plans. Pavel knew him well and saw it going but he also felt the condition of his friend. The condition which he was trying to bring back to life. The friend who now was trying to conceal his broken heart clumsily. They went to bed late at night and each of them were glad in their own way. This day gave them back the support, a desire to do good deeds.

Pavel was thinking about his family and work. Muhit was trying to remember the way he was helpful to other people. Their wishes and dreams were taking both of them into deep thoughts where a personal satisfaction from helping and saving lives was pushing them to live.

The next day Muhit came back home. He was cleaning for a whole day. His eyes were glad to see washed and folded neat clothes.

– Will you really go back to work tomorrow, Muhit?,– he asked himself this question in his mind. He glanced over the room quickly and sadly and went on thinking about the hospital and children. The job which was offered by Pavel didn’t leave his mind. He was trying to focus, imagining to what extent he had to unite all this work in order to achieve the set goals. Deep inside, he was happy to get that offer because it could attract him much with its grandness. Even though the job might be hard, at least it can dim his pain. The pain which dared to change him that much. The pain which gave him a hope to live. But still, some kind of concern couldn’t leave him.

– Muhit, what’s wrong? Kanat, if only you were next to me now… My notes, where are they? I need to help kids with the same problems, Muhit,– he addressed himself and realized the reason for his worry. He sat down, looked at his son’s photo and burst into tears again.

Chapter 3. Meeting

The work went as it was. Muhit started his new thing with great enthusiasm. Recently moving to another building of the children city hospital was met with great enthusiasm from all staff. Each of them wanted to get used to it and most of them were successful. Some of them were still trying to adjust to a new reality, messing with the office numbers and confusing the floors of the building. Muhit belonged to the latter group but his new work, entrusted to him by Pavel, didn’t leave him any opportunity to pay attention to that. And he was really glad. The new medical staff was happy to get new conditions for their patients.

The newly-built city children's hospital had many rooms. But the subject of pride was the supply of medical rooms with modern equipment. Once Pavel asked Muhit to stay after the staff meeting. After asking him about his things, he asked him to sit and listen to him.

– Muhit, do you remember I told you about one of our clients? He’s one of our recent patients. He lives with his mother. Last month they moved to our town. Her son is an autist. He’s 13 years old. He studies at home. The boy is specific and just a little reserved. Psychologists worked with him and according to the notes in his medical history it was a great help. Although according to his mother’s words, after those conversations with psychologists, the boy became more irritated. His mom brought the boy to me a couple of times. The boy, I have to say, is really concealed and reserved. I think you need to get to work with him. As I’ve said before, he’s 13 years old and we need to work carefully with him. What could you say about him, Muhit? I know that such kids need to be socialized. To what extent is that possible? Didn’t you have a similar patient? He tries to study well and study history from the magazines. And it’s kind of weird, because he chose not books but magazines… He says he likes it. And this kind of obsession with history makes people feel amazed, Muhit. According to his mother’s words, her son cuts something out carefully and puts it in the albums. I tried to talk to him for some time, ask him about different things but I couldn’t, Muhit. I can’t conceal the fact that the boy has some kind of hidden potential. It would be interesting if you met him as a specialist who’s involved in his work. I would like to listen to your opinion about him with pleasure. So, his mother comes up to me for several days and cries. She’s worried about the behavioral changes of her son. Could you find some time and examine her son?

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Примечания

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kinesiotherapy is a set of necessary medical procedures

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Aqua therapy are activities conducted under the control of specialists in water in an intensive manner

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Dislocation of the brain is a displacement of one structure of the brain according to the other ones (med. term)

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