Влада Иванц
The Blue Days Of Mine. Extended Version

The author of the cover is Vlada Ivants. Автор обложки Влада Иванц.

Baby, you understand me now,

If sometimes you see that I'm mad.

© «Don't let me be misunderstood»

by Bennie Benjamin, Horace Ott & Sol Marcus

FOREWORD

That's the end of the blue days of mine!

I've been waiting for so, so long to say these words. I'm glad that this very recent feeling of freedom allows me to put two meanings into this phrase at once: this poem book anticipates the imminent end of this creative era of mine, and my sad, drab days are really over.

Anyway, this new version of TBDOM was planned a long time ago and was supposed to include not only new songs and poems, which I wrote as if by inertia immediately after the release of the book, but also other interesting things that I didn't think of initially.

Honestly, I hate the prologue of the first version of TBDOM. If you want to know why, just remember the first question I asked you, «Do you understand me?» Well, I don't care if someone understands me or not. And if they don't understand me, then they shouldn't, if they don't want to, then they don't have to understand me or pretend to do it. I realized that I just need to let others and myself live in peace. Don't like it? Ok! Like? It's cool! Thank you if you support me. It's okay if you don’t like me.

Well, now I can say that this release should be a feast in honour of the last few months of The Blue Days Of Mine era. I have learned a lot during this time; I have become much older. The process of my growing up, my cheerful, sad, happy, good and bad days are reflected in this period. But perhaps it's time to let this part of my work end. The English language, British, American and Russian culture in this international language has greatly influenced what I create, write or do. So, if in the future some person interested in me studies my books and life, he will not be able to do it without knowledge of this period and lyrics. That is why we must celebrate the end of the blue days of mine.

So, let's raise our glasses of burgundy wine!

CURE MY MENTAL FLU

6 new poems and songs have been added to this chapter among the order of the old ones.

***

poem

Hello, my dear readers.

I think you're confused.

My poems are like creepers,

They're going to kill you.

It's all my poisonous sadness.

Blame it for everything.

I can be quite reckless.

I can do anything…

April 22nd, 2024

Translation/ Перевод на русский:

***

Дорогой читатель, ты,

Должно быть, с толку сбит.

Мои поэмы, как вьюны,

Прочёл их – и убит.

Печаль моя ведь ядовита,

Во всем вини ты лишь её.

А я давно уж с толку сбита

И сделать могу… всё.

21.05.2024

Secrets

new poem

All of the secrets that I kept

Will be with me until the end.

My dreams, my plans, my thoughts

Are untied like precarious knots.

But even if it messes up,

There's no point to just give up.

It all seems pointless, although

I will survive, just 'cause I know.

I know I'm mad because it hurts.

I know I said some simple words.

I know they'll keep blaming me.

But I will not stop being me.

March 1st, 2025

Mental flu

poem

When the heavens are silent,

I think about what I need to do.

I guess I'm just a little tired.

It's some kind of mental flu.

The geometry is quite simple:

The parallels do not intersect.

You and I are parallel people:

We don't fight; we don't protect.

The world is wonderful, can't you see?

The clouds are white; the sky is blue.

But you're not who you used to be.

I guess, you've caught my mental flu.

April 27th, 2024

Malady

song

[Verse 1]

There are no good lyricists left in our century

And no right medicines have been invented, ¹

There were holy people next to me while I was sick.

I wonder where I would be now if they didn't help me.

[Chorus]

I was left alone, as a typical hero of post-apocalyptic.

Me, my demons, my maladies are the perfect triptych.

It's impossible to cure the one who revels in his illness.

You know, my maladies have replaced all my feelings.

[Verse 2]

All the best lyricists died due to shock therapy.

During bad trips, any artist praises his malady.

But when the fever starts, he curses his great insight.

Then he dies knowing that he has performed his rite right.

[Chorus]

I was left alone, as a typical hero of post-apocalyptic.

Me, my demons, my maladies are the perfect triptych.

It's impossible to cure the one who revels in his illness.

You know, my maladies have replaced all my feelings.

[Bridge]

And my insight brought me only harsh contempt.

I couldn't score а hundred, but it was a great attempt.

Run, Forest, run, if you don't want to wallow in the mud. ²

I don't need anything divine, I'm tired of this fight.

Holy people turn away, 'cause they cannot pray for me.

And now there is only me and my favourite malady.

[Chorus]

I was left alone, as a typical hero of post-apocalyptic.

Me, my demons, my maladies are the perfect triptych.

It's impossible to cure the one who revels in his illness.

You know, my maladies have replaced all my feelings.

Holy people turn away, 'cause they cannot pray for me.

And now there is only me and my favorite malady.

Eeeh-eeh

Hear this melody.

Fear this malady.

Eeeh-eeh.

June 6th, 2024

¹ The meaning of these lines is explained by the opinion of the lyrical hero, who is Norton Wells (although this song is not included in the chapter dedicated to him), that there are no good lyricists now, meaning that they have either died out (this becomes clear in the second verse). Norton admits that he is unwell in every sense. And by medications, he means something that could help him cope with mental problems. However, there are still no such pills. In the second verse, Nort means that many lyricists were persecuted and "forced to heal" so that their writings would also please those in power. That is why there are no more good lyricists.

² «Run, Forest, Run» is a famous phrase from the story of Forest Gump. Now it is actively used in moments where you need to either literally run, or do something very actively and selflessly. So, Norton realizes that if he stops, he will definitely fall into the mud and will not be able to get out, because there are no holy people around.

Robots

new poem

You aren't a robot,

And darling, me neither.

Let's declare a boycott

Let's kill the new Caesar.

Robots can't be afraid,

They carry out orders.

And they can't be blamed.

They are soulless warders.

Robots obey.

We can't make them think.

But they can betray

And robots can kill.

They couldn't care less

That you are their master.

If they are asked such a case,

They'll complete the disaster.

And we gonna use it.

We'll teach them to fight.

But when we all lose it,

We all gonna die.

Robots obey.

They're always in sync.

And they did betray

'Cause robots can kill.

February 14th, 2025

Analysis: I wrote this poem under the impression of the TV series "Love. Death. Robots". Especially I was attracted by the episode Kill Team Kill, which showed the struggle of people with a robot monster. However, this poem looks like a compilation of everything that people have come up with about "evil robots". However, there is another idea hidden here: some thinkers tend to believe that the political elite controls the mass of people like robots and they do it without respect and love. Robots don't need all this, but humans do, so even if robots can rebel against human hegemony, it's not surprising what humans can do the same. But humans are mortal, they can be killed, but robots can create themselves so they become immortal. Anyway, the main idea of the poem: you taught your slave to kill, so why are you surprised that your slave killed you?

Dethroning

Song

[Verse 1]

Can I ask one more favour?

Praise your Queen and save her

And go fight for my crown.

I thought I had a great army,

But they are vile and smarmy,

I know they will let me down.

[Pre-chorus]

My castle is crumbling down. ¹

The clang of chains is loud.

'Cause I won the cursed renown.

[Chorus]

Do you hear me being called great?

I can't hear it anymore, it's too late.

I am no longer the authority here,

People curse the reason for my being.

Once I was the missionary of the Sun, ²

But the hour of my dethroning has come.

[Verse 2]

I was held up so high,

I had the best empire,

I used to rule the world. ³

Now I fear I fell from grace,

They don't wanna see my face.

I am no longer their Lord.

[Pre-chorus]

What has my reign brought?

Hunger, plague, besieged fort.

Let them send me to court.

[Chorus]

Do you hear me being called mad?

I can hear it, well, it's too late.

I am no longer the authority here,

People curse the reason for my being.

I am the missionary of the Sun,

But the hour of my dethroning has come.

[Bridge]

I ended up at the Bal des Ardents, ⁴

I was beloved a few years ago,

Now they think I'm madder than Charles VI.⁵

I was made of glass and I can't be fixed.

[Chorus]

Do you hear how they wish me dead?

I do hear it, but it's too late.

I am no longer the authority here,

People curse the reason for my being.

They found me guilty, so I'm loathed

I'm dying 'cause I'm being dethroned.

[Post-chorus]

I was beloved a few years ago,

I ended up at the Bal des Ardents

They found me guilty, so I'm loathed

I'm dying 'cause I'm being dethroned.

I'm dying 'cause I'm being dethroned.

I'm dying 'cause I'm being dethroned.

May 2nd, 2024

¹ «My castle is crumbling down» is a reference to the song Castles Crumbling by Taylor Swift (feat. Hayley Williams) from the album Speak Now (Taylor's Version).

² Missionary of the Sun is partly a reference to Louis XIV, who was nicknamed the "sun King". His rule is characterized by absolutism and touchy cruelty (especially on the grounds of diminishing his power capabilities). This is partly a reference to the general idea of the role of the ruler, who in many countries of Antiquity and the Middle Ages was considered a messenger (missionary = messenger) of God.

³ «I used to rule the world» is a reference to the Coldplay song "Viva La Vida", which begins with this line.

⁴ Bal des Ardents is the first reference to Charles VI, the king of France, famous for his madness. This ball is an event from the history of France, which was also depicted in a famous miniature from Froissart's Chronicles or in a painting by Rochegrosse. A masquerade ball was held in Paris in 1393, and artists disguised as savages and demons participated in it. A tragedy occurred at the ball. The costumes of six participants, including Charles VI himself, caught fire because of the torch. Four died from burns, Charles VI, of course, survived, but out of his mind. The incident aggravated the unstable mental state of the king, after which a new nickname gradually began to be established for him. Among the lines of the song, there is another reference made using the word "beloved". the Beloved is the first nickname of Charles VI. His subjects were pleased with the policy he pursued at the beginning of his reign, which is why they gave him such a nickname, but it soon changed to the Mad.

⁵ Madder than Charles VI/ I was made of glass is his psychological illness. It manifested itself in uncontrollable fits of anger, in the agony of which Charles VI once even killed several people, and in paranoia. In this way, I create a parallel – the lyrical heroine of the song is considered crazy, because of the paranoia that manifests itself in the fear of losing power. Another manifestation of Charles VI's mental illness: towards the end of his life, he began to believe that he was made of glass. Because of this, he tried to protect himself in every possible way so as not to crash. In fact, this is a very real mental disorder. This is the glass delusion, also known as the "glass plague".

Nightmares

song

[Verse 1]

The white noise is playing in my mind.

The black horse is carrying the black knight.

The crimson blood oozing from my sores.

The grey mass is an army of lost souls. ¹

[Pre-chorus]

The whole world is pale as a corpse.

But everyone acts like no one knows.

[Chorus]

Well, look at my face

I'm out of my colours,

And only bleak shadows

Left.

It's not a tough case.

I'll paint a new picture

There'll be only a creature

Of my nightmares.

[Verse 2]

My blue days are slowly dragging on.

All the colours on the canvas are gone.

My heart faded and turned black.

In scarlet colours, people's hearts tend to break.

[Pre-chorus]

My soul shone with silver and gold.

But its paints were stolen and sold.

[Chorus]

Well, look at my face

I'm out of my colours,

And only bleak shadows

Left.

It's not a tough case.

I'll paint a new picture

There'll be only a creature

Of my nightmares.

[Verse 3]

Claude Monet's paintings arouse

Fury because of tenderness and flowers. ²

Well, if you hate brightness that much.

Then enjoy the horrors of Munch. ³

March 7th, 2024

¹ In this verse, there are various images that may resemble paintings by famous artists. For example, the first image of the black knight on the horse refers to the story of the artist Curtis Talves Santiago, for whom the image of the Black Knight in a Renaissance painting became a source of inspiration. It’s the painting "Chafariz d'el-Rey (The King's Fountain)" by an unknown author, painted between 1570 and 1580. It depicts a Black Knight on horseback. Santiago was intrigued by this image and began creating works dedicated to this character. In drawings, paintings, sculptures, and videos, the artist constructed a mythical past for this hero, whom he named "Knight J'ouvert".

² Claude Monet is a French artist, one of the founders of Impressionism. His works, filled with light, colour and movement, changed the way we think about painting.

³ Edward Munch is a Norwegian artist, one of the first representatives of expressionism. Munch's paintings are imbued with motives of anxiety, despair, horror and death, but at the same time, in many works there is hope and attempts to escape from a psychological crisis.

Permanent tattoo

new song

[Outro]

If you let me down, I don't know what I'll do.

If you let me drown, I don't think I will sue.

If you let me down, I won't even feel blue.

Cause, darling, I know what it all was to you.

[Verse 1]

I think we should change, but we must stay the same.

I quote Shakespeare and Homer, then Lana Del Rey. ¹

We're free, we are pure, we're lucky, some say

That we are birds of a feather and we're birds of prey.

Of prey. Gonna pray?

[Chorus]

If you leave me here, I won't have any clue,

If you're a believer, then I'm just a view.

If you call it a fever, then I call it a flu.

If I make you shiver, then I scare like a boo.

I knew, but I knew, 'cause I knew, I knew.

I knew, I knew. I knew, I knew. I knew,

You'll be stuck on my body like a permanent tattoo.

[Verse 2]

Well, we must admit our plans all fell through.

We both need to take on something completely new.

But you will stay like a dried blood under the nail.

They say your bad name will become my bad fame.

Some say, it is okay.

[Chorus]

If you only tell lies, I will only tell the truth.

Don't inflate the price, they don't need any proof.

Well, the profit is paltry, but you still withdrew,

All just for the sake of getting positive reviews.

Well, that's true, in my view, in my view, in my view.

I just wanna leave you, I don't even hate you.

[Bridge]

If you laid these rails, then where is your train?

If you decide to race, then where is the plane?

Well you said it was windless, but I knew that the wind blew

Why are you waiting for me to get in your queue

Instead of you?! I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew.

I won't be able to remove you, like a permanent tattoo.

[Chorus]

If you let me down, well, I couldn't care less.

'Cause take a little note, we weren't even just friends.

If you let me down, I wouldn't even be mad.

Just like them all, you are another person I met.

I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew,

You'll leave scars like a permanent tattoo removed.

I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew,

Everything will happen again and my body will be tattooed.

February 25th, 2025

¹ William Shakespeare is English poet and playwright, often referred to as the national poet of England. He is considered one of the greatest playwrights and poets in the history of literature. He wrote such famous plays as "Romeo and Juliet", "Hamlet" and others.

Homer is the ancient Greek poet, who is credited with the authorship of two epic poems – "Iliad" and "Odyssey".

Lana Del Rey is an American singer, songwriter and poet, eleven-time Grammy Award nominee. Born on June 21, 1985 in New York, USA.

This line means that I equally appreciate both the classics and the eternal masterpieces of the centuries-old culture of mankind, as well as the modern work of musicians and other cultural figures.

Human being

song

[Verse 1]

All your lovely expectations

Are the devil's temptations.

Love is just the best deception,

False and expensive satisfaction.

Oh.

Well-known beautiful princess

Spends her nights with sleeplessness.

Her prince showed worthlessness.

The personification of hopelessness.

[Pre-chorus]

Oh, Lord

What was she thinking?

Now her ship is sinking.

All she has to do is pray.

She should throw it all away.

[Chorus]

She doesn't

Have to fight other people's demons.

A person doesn't have to fight all the villains.

We are not superheroes,

We are just human beings.

She mustn't

Stitch and glue her little broken heart,

Live with it while it falls and falls apart.

She's not a selfish villain,

She's just a human being.

[Verse 2]

All our hopes and wishes

Turn into dirty dishes.

His quack healing fictions

Write out their prescriptions.

Oh.

Not love, but your health

Is real human wealth.

Princess, love yourself

And don't trust your blind faith.

[Pre-chorus]

Oh, Lord

She's on her way to hell.

All her prayers didn't help.

But she will continue to fight,

Until she sleeps peacefully at night.

[Chorus]

She doesn't

Have to fight other people's demons

A person doesn't have to fight all the villains.

We are not superheroes

We are just human beings.

She mustn't

Stitch and glue her little broken heart,

Live with it while it falls and falls apart.

She's not a selfish villain,

She's just a human being.

[Bridge]

You got your desired knight

To get your dragon killed,

You got your desired night.

To get your peaceful dream.

You're just a human being.

You're losing your dream knight,

You have only a dented shield,

You're getting ready to fight

Against the dragon on the battlefield.

But you're just a human being.

You're just a human being.

[Chorus]

And you don't

Have to fight other people's demons

A person doesn't have to fight all the villains.

We are not superheroes

We are just human beings.

You won't

Stitch and glue your little broken heart,

Won't live with it until it falls apart.

You're not a selfish villain,

You're just a human being.

[Pre-chorus]

You got your desired knight

To get your dragon killed,

You got your desired night.

To get your peaceful dream.

You're just a human being.

You're losing your dream knight,

You have only a dented shield,

You're getting ready to fight

Against the dragon on the battlefield.

But you're just a human being.

You're just a human being.

August 2nd, 2023

Play

poem

There's a play about violence,

It reminds me of my bright blue days.

Don't expect kindness from the audience.

So many people, but an empty space.

Oh, that feeling of evil loneliness.

Well, they show it pretty well.

Life from holidays to other holidays

Is the main tragedy of today.

I'm playing a strange role in this play.

It wasn't seen and understood.

And I'll take off my mask one day.

But my intentions are not really good.

There's the purest evil in my eyes.

Good people think it's a delusion.

Well, there's always devil in disguise.

It's not exceptional, but usual.

2022

The Black Sea

new song

[Verse 1]

Mauve sunset in mountains,

I haven't seen it for a while.

And St. Petersburg fountains

Haven't pleased me for a long time.

But the most painful thing

Is another breakup.

I miss the Black Sea.

And this is my only love.

[Chorus]

It cries, it screams, it suffers, it rushes again.

Black fuel oil, black harbour, black shore and black pain. ¹

My tears are blacker than the night, my cry is a roar.

If tears are my weapon, then this crying is war.

You say I'm so weak, well, honey, we'll see.

If you wanna know, I am the black sea.

The Black Sea, e-e-e, e-e-e.

The Black Sea, e-e-e, e-e-e.

[Verse 2]

I remember how blue

The water was there.

This place is my youth.

It's incredibly rare.

Now it poisoned and sad.

It's sick and me too.

Well, we both feel so bad.

We both have a flu.

[Chorus]

It cries, it screams, it suffers, it rushes again.

Black fuel oil, black harbour, black shore and black pain.

My tears are blacker than the night, my cry is a roar.

If tears are my weapon, then this crying is war.

You say I'm so weak, well, honey, we'll see.

If you want to know, I am the black sea.

The Black Sea, e-e-e, e-e-e.

The Black Sea, e-e-e, e-e-e.

[Post-chorus]

We'll see the black sea, the black sea, the black sea

We'll see the black sea, the black sea, the black sea

[Bridge]

Maybe when everything

Goes well there, I'll come

To my beloved Black Sea.

And I'll recover, I might.

We both need to make a storm.

Give ‘em a poison and fears,

Since we've received their scorn.

We decide where our shore is.

[Chorus]

It cries, it screams, it suffers, it rushes again.

Black fuel oil, black harbour, black shore and black pain.

My tears are blacker than the night, my cry is a roar.

If tears are my weapon, then this crying is war.

You say I'm so weak, well, we'll see.

If you want to know, I am the black sea.

The Black Sea, e-e-e, e-e-e.

The Black Sea, e-e-e, e-e-e.

[Post-chorus]

We'll see the black sea, the black sea, the black sea

We'll see the black sea, the black sea, the black sea

February 16th, 2025

¹ On December 15, 2024, two Russian tankers carrying a total of 9.2 thousand tons of fuel oil crashed in the Kerch Strait. A significant part of the fuel oil ended up in the Black Sea. The discarded oil products were picked up by the sea current, which seriously affected the coastal strip – beaches, plants and animals.

Enough is enough

song

[Verse 1]

It's been too painful for so, so long.

I think that I'm ready to lose my hope.

You say I'm a drama queen. Oh my God!

Even if I'm helpless, I can be bold.

[Chorus]

And I'm screaming as loud as I can.

You're making me, you're making me fail.

Apparently, you're proud of all this stuff.

But I'm telling ya enough is enough

I admit, this time is very, very tough.

But I repeat, bitch, I have had enough.

[Verse 2]

I don't want to continue all this fight.

I just want freedom and peace of mind.

Thank you that my heart is dead now.

And now I'm making, making a new vow.

[Chorus]

And I'm screaming as loud as I can.

You're making me, you're making me fail.

Apparently, you're proud of all this stuff.

But I'm telling ya enough is enough

I admit, this time is very, very tough.

But I repeat, bitch, I have had enough.

[Bridge]

My vow is that I will draw a new portrait.

And it will be based only on what you said.

I'll become a living moon of crimson blood.

And I'll let the rivers, let the rivers flood.

[Chorus]

And I'm screaming as loud as I can.

You're making me, you're making me fail.

Apparently, you're proud of all this stuff.

But I'm telling ya enough is enough

I admit, this time is very, very tough.

But I repeat, bitch, I have had enough.

[Post-chorus]

It's been too painful for so, so long.

I think that I've already lost my hope.

June 13th, 2024

Call me whatever you want

song

[Verse 1]

You can call me whatever you want.

You can use the most terrible word.

Won't take offense or shout anything worse.

This is an opinion, that's neither true nor false.

[Verse 2]

He can call me whoever he wants.

He can break me, my heart and my bones.

Won't cry outta pain or do anything worse.

This is an opinion, that's neither true nor false.

[Verse 3]

She can call me whatever she wants.

Can spread gossip at the speed of gunshots.

I won't deny or hate her or her words

This is an opinion and who said it was false?

[Verse 4]

They can call me whoever they want.

They can break me, my friends or my hope.

I won't be furious or take bloody revenge.

This is an opinion, neither malice nor rage.

[Verse 5]

I can call them whatever I want.

I can use the most terrible word,

I can break them, their bones and their minds.

But they'll say it's not an opinion, that's crime.

[Post-chorus]

It's not an opinion, that's crime.

It's not an opinion, that's crime.

That's crime.

August 15th, 2023

Poetry hero

new song

[Verse 1]

I just wanted to come up with a story

About things you've gone through,

And ended up here, cold and lonely,

Because I know and understand you…

I wish I could write it like Shakespeare,

I wish it would make all of them cry,

Your sad life story and my clever lyre.

But in the end, they are gonna die…

[Chorus]

You once laughed at me,

I once laughed at you.

Now I'm your author, and you're my poetry hero…

And all you can be

Is all I can do.

I am your world, your home, I'm your giver…

[Verse 2]

I'm no longer Shakespeare, but Conan Doyle. ¹

The death is being investigated.

You're still breathing. Oh, Melancholy.

All the storylines were created.

Apocalypse is taking place in the world,

Journalists, as usual, work on the spot.

Politicians promise, remember their word.

Who looks down from heaven on all this? God.

[Chorus]

And He's looking at me,

Then He's looking at you.

He's our author, and we are His poetry heroes…

And all we can be

Is all He can do.

We can be the best, the worst or just zeroes.

[Bridge]

Wang Gogh cut off his ear, ²

I want to cut off my finger,

I need to fight my strongest fear.

But am I really eager?

I want to remember about you again.

But Adonis is not for Venus. ³

Perhaps I should've written something else.

And drown out my stupid feelings.

[Chorus]

You once laughed at me,

I once laughed at you.

I was your author and you were my poetry hero…

All you used to be

Was all I could do.

I'm no longer your author, but I'm your killer.

You once laughed at me,

I once laughed at you.

Now I'm your author and you're my poetry hero…

And all you can be

Is all I can do.

I am your world, your home, I'm your mirror…

I am your world, your home, I'm your killer…

I am your world, your home, I'm your giver…

I am your world, your home, I'm your mirror…

December 1st, 2022

¹ Arthur Conan Doyle is an English writer of Irish descent. He is best known for creating the character of Sherlock Holmes, a brilliant detective who has become a cult figure in the detective genre. Shakespeare's themes are typical, for example: love, betrayal, power struggle, family relationships, and others. Arthur Conan Doyle is characterized, in particular, by such themes as crimes and their detection, fantastic and humorous ideas, and so on.

² Vincent Van Gogh is a Dutch painter and graphic artist, one of the three main figures of post-Impressionism. There are several versions of why Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear: a mental state (bipolar disorder), a quarrel with Paul Gauguin, and other hypotheses.

³ Adonis and Venus are the characters of William Shakespeare's long narrative poem Venus and Adonis (published in 1593). Shakespeare drew on classical sources such as Ovid's Metamorphoses, although he developed the poem in his own way. Venus tries to seduce Adonis, a handsome but shy young man who is more interested in hunting than in love. Passion flares up between them, but Adonis believes that he is too young for romance novels. Soon, Adonis is killed due to a hunting accident.

Analysis: this song is one of the most avant-garde I've ever written. Therefore, I think it should be analysed in depth. The song "Poetry Hero" explores a complex and multifaceted relationship between the narrator and the subject of the story, blurring the lines between creator and his creation, author and character, and even life and death. This song is a reflection on the author's power over his characters and, perhaps (more importantly), on the Creator's power over us. The song also touches on philosophical questions about the meaning of existence and the role of man in the universe. In the first verse, the author admits his desire to create a story based on someone else's experience, on someone else's pain. The theme of empathy and understanding arises, but also the exploitation of someone else's life for the sake of art. The verse reveals the inner conflict of the author, who is trying to create a story about a man who has experienced difficulties. He aspires to reach Shakespeare's level, but realizes that all stories eventually end in death. The chorus reveals the basic idea: the author is the judge, and the character is just the hero of his poetry. In the hands of the author – life and death, home and the world. The character is completely dependent on the will of the author. The line "All you can be is all I can do" emphasizes the narrator's control over the subject's narrative and, by extension, their fate. The final lines ("I am your world, your home, I'm your giver") further solidify this controlling, almost God-like position. The second verse takes us into a larger context, and the world plunges into apocalyptic events. In the second verse, the role changes: the author turns from Shakespeare to Conan Doyle, from the creator of tragedy to a detective investigating death. At this moment, a broader perspective appears – God's view of what is happening, the theme of the Creator watching over us. The mention of apocalypse and journalists adds a layer of societal commentary, contrasting the personal story with the wider world's chaos. The question of God's observation underscores the theme of larger forces at play, influencing both the characters and the narrator's creative process. There is a switch in the chorus: now God is the Author, and we are "His poetry heroes". The outcome is similar: our fate is determined by the will of the Creator. The bridge reveals the narrator's internal struggle. The references to Van Gogh cutting off his ear and the narrator's desire to cut off their finger symbolize self-harm and artistic desperation. The final part reveals the duality of the author's role: he is both the creator, the destroyer, and the mirror reflecting the essence of the hero. It suggests that the author and the character are inextricably linked, that the author is reflected in his creation, and vice versa. And, ultimately, that the Creator is also a part of his creation. "Poetry Hero" is a dark and introspective exploration of artistic creation, power dynamics, and the inherent limitations of both life and storytelling. The song is a deep philosophical reflection on the nature of creativity, the power of the creator and the place of man in the universe, using the metaphor of the relationship between the author and his hero.

Love & Loathe

song

[Verse 1]

This summer began with my desire,

With the hope and joy of mine.

I gave it my all,

But the world is sold.

Fought with people, fought with demons,

Fought against their mad opinions.

Handled it well,

But it was hell.

[Chorus]

God, I didn't let you down.

I've created something magical,

Beautiful and kept my vow.

God, it wasn't that radical.

It defenceless and tender,

It blooms quickly and seldom.

[Verse 2]

The summer ends with morbid crying,

I feel down, but I'm still trying

To be here.

My pain, my dream.

Eternal memory to this art,

A part of it lives in my heart.

Are you still here?

Can you say clear?

[Chorus]

God, they ruined me to the ground.

I swear, I tried, I fought,

But I couldn't make a sound.

God, the world has been bought.

And so they love and loathe.

But I'll be there with my dreams and hope.

[Post-chorus]

So they love me, but they loathe.

Yes, they do, yes, they do it both.

With my dreams and my hope

The world has been, the world has been bought.

So they love me, but they loathe.

I swear, I tried, I tired, but I, but I fought.

So forgive me, please, my Lord.

Once I was innocent, the art of mine is loathed.

August of 2023

How can it be?

song

[Chorus]

How can it be real?

Blue skies, but a blue feeling.

Blue birds, but blue days.

A deep blue sea, but a deadly blue face.

[Verse 1]

In the morning you see the sunlight.

It's so warm, so happy and bright.

In the evening you see the moonlight.

But after that comes the dreary black night.

[Chorus]

How can it be right?

You live, but then you die.

You're blessed, but then you're doomed.

You win, and then you fail and lose.

[Verse 2]

When you are born, you see the world bright.

It is filled with your mother's pure love.

When you die, you see the world dark.

It is cold, empty, cruel and vile.

[Chorus]

How can it be me?

I am not happy to live.

I dream of peace in my life.

But I'm destroying my world to the ground.

[Interlude]

[Verse 3]

In the reflection of the waters

You can see the sky above us.

In the glass of high-rise buildings,

You can see it dead and twisted.

[Chorus]

How can it just be?

If I cannot be free,

If freedom doesn't come with death,

Then I don't need to pray for help.

[Interlude]

[Verse 4]

A lot of colours in your life.

Mornings, nights, the endless sky.

And the lessons you have learned.

Blue sea, blue days, blue eyes, blue world.

[Chorus]

How can it be real?

Mmmmmmm.

How can it be right?

Lalalala

[Post-chorus]

How can world be blue,

How can days be that too?

How can it be me?

How can, how can, how can it be?

April 19th, 2024

I wish I

poem

I wish I could be able to go back in time.

I wish I could only do things right.

Anyway, everything seems to be fine.

Don't worry, I will be just alright.

I failed everything, and that's true.

I was telling myself “I hate you”.

Maybe that's the reason of my loss.

Self-hypnosis is the most horrific force.

My mind is my weapon, so I fight.

My heart is the target, so I die.

When your tears fly like arrows, hitting you,

You give up, there's nothing left to do.

And I'm going to fall from the height

I have ever ever barely gained.

I'm afraid to come face to face

With rocks, cold water and huge waves.

If only I could do things right.

If only I knew how to fight.

Their voices wouldn't have been heard

If only I had reached that top.

April of 2024

Forever Free

new song

[Verse 1]

I want you to be.

That's a simple thing.

That's a real dream.

I might sound stupid.

I just want a kiss.

Cause I have not had it

In my 18 years.

Hey, inform Cupid.

Well, I confess I guess I was just deluded.

[Chorus]

I met many men,

But none was waiting there for me

In the pouring rain.

Maybe something’s wrong with me?

None gave me their love,

None was into me.

Maybe I'm just blind

And I don't see it.

I met many men,

But none was waiting there for me

In the pouring rain.

Maybe something is wrong with me?

None said I'm nice,

None gave me a kiss.

So I'm paying the price,

Although I bought nothing.

Well, I'm forever free.

[Verse 2]

Hey, man, just tell me

With regard and esteem

That I'm just a nominee

But never a winner.

The ones who want me

Don't even make me feel

Like they're my daydream,

So why'd I make it bitter?

The best thing I can give them is just freedom.

[Chorus]

I met many men,

But none was waiting there for me

In the pouring rain.

Maybe something's wrong with me?

None gave me their love,

None was into me.

Maybe I'm just blind

And I don't see it.

I met many men,

But none was waiting there for me

In the pouring rain.

Maybe something's wrong with me?

None said I'm nice,

None gave me a kiss.

So I'm paying the price,

Although I bought nothing.

Well, I'm forever free.

[Bridge]

I just wanna say that

Never bet on your fate.

Being lonely is worse than

Being completely dead.

If you hear ‘bout love

And think it's so stupid.

Just think a lot before

Cursing your own Cupid.

[Chorus]

I met many men,

But none was waiting there for me

In the pouring rain.

Maybe something is wrong with me?

None gave me their love,

None was into me.

Maybe I'm just blind

And I don't see it.

I met many men,

But none was waiting there for me

In the pouring rain.

Maybe something is wrong with me?

None said I'm nice,

None gave me a kiss.

So I'm paying the price,

Although I bought nothing.

Well, I'm forever free.

February of 2025

***

poem

I keep trying to sort out my own thoughts,

Keep forgetting those forget-me-nots.

The weather is sunny outside,

But it's raining in my anxious mind.

Yes, I've died a thousand times,

I was lying with mysterious lies.

Ask me what I want and you won't

Get an answer, 'cause I finally lost my hope.

You're going to ask me again if I agree.

I'm not worthy of you, don't you see?

And we will be both sorrowful and confused.

So, the best choice for us is to refuse.

2023

Boston Strangler

song

[Verse 1]

Was it love that I saw

Or the challenge from Saw? ¹

We loved watching horror films.

Now we're their heroes, it seems.

I listen to thunder like music.

'Cause I find this shit amusing.

After my meeting with you,

I don't know what to do.

[Chorus]

I find it funny to look

At the crooked

Graphics of the monsters.

You needed proofs

You've become too

Much like the Strangler of Boston. ²

I find it funny to look

At the crooked

Graphics of the monsters.

You needed proofs

You've become too

Much like the Strangler of Boston.

But do really think I'm cursed?

Ooh.

But I don't scare and don't slam doors.

Ooh.

You're hiding a knife up your sleeve.

Ooh.

You behave either like a maniac or like a thief.

I find it funny to look…

[Verse 2]

You said that kindness won't buy

The world, but I asked you why.

You said my book was too kind.

I won't make any money now.

(I've made it free, bye-bye)

You like horror films, don't you?

I also find this nonsense cool.

But if I had a choice between you

And the monster, guess who I'd choose.

[Chorus]

I find it funny to look

At the crooked

Graphics of the monsters.

You needed proofs

You've become too

Much like the Strangler of Boston.

I find it funny to look

At the crooked

Graphics of the monsters.

You needed proofs

You've become too

Much like the Strangler of Boston.

But do really think I'm cursed?

Ooh.

But I don't scare and don't slam doors.

Ooh.

You're hiding a knife up your sleeve.

Ooh.

You behave either like a maniac or like a thief.

I find it funny to look…

Spring of 2024

¹ Saw is a 2004 American horror film. The plot revolves around the mystery of a serial killer and crazy challenges that he assigned to the captives.

² The Boston Strangler is the nickname of a previously unidentified serial killer responsible for the murders of 13 women in Boston, Massachusetts, in the early 1960s.

***

poem

Freedom is the choice of the free.

The sinner always chooses sin.

I was born lonely, I will die lonely,

I have no love, my one and only.

My life will go by so slowly.

And so I was up to one thing.

Only treasures enticed me.

They called, they hid, they teased.

I craved, I sought, I seized.

But they eluded me.

We were running from misfortune.

From rudeness, curses, fears, and torture.

I knew we wouldn't get so far,

What did I get besides that harm?

Well, the reward was a big scar.

You haven't seen me, well, have you?

The mayhem hid me from the view.

Although I roamed and I passed

Unnoticed through those little paths.

But now all this is the past.

I dreamed of wealth and money, but

I found my treasure in her love.

Years passed, we had our love to hone.

Love became sharp, so she was gone.

And now I'm on my own.

February 28th, 2025

rehetahI

song

[Verse 1]

She always knows better everything I know.

She's Francophobic, but she lives in the chateau. ¹

She behaves like a genius, she's always the best.

We seem to be friends, but it's easy to guess

[Chorus]

That I hate her knowing her just a month

At home and outdoors, in crowds and alone.

That I hate her for being clever child,

For being falsely kind and still unsatisfied.

[Verse 2]

She has no real friends, she prefers her phone,

But she's not as me alone, she always takes her own.

Maybe I'm just drowning in my crazy jealousy,

But I'm not me if I let it be!

[Chorus]

'Cause I hate her knowing her just a month

At home and outdoors, in crowds and alone.

And I blame her for everything she does,

For everything she loves, I think she's really nuts.

I hate her, I want to and I can,

Well, I'm just a man, don't you feel the same?

I hate her by knowing just a month,

I wish she'd shut her mouth,

Because I'm lost and I'm overdose

By everything she does.

[Bridge]

She always knows better everything I know.

She's arrogant, she acts like she is owed.

She thinks she's a genius, she's always the best.

We seem to be friends, but it's easy to guess

[Chorus]

That I hate her knowing her just a month

At home and outdoors, in crowds and alone.

And I blame her for everything she does,

For everything she loves and I think she's really nuts.

I hate her, I want to and I can,

Well, I'm just a man, why don't you feel the same?

I hate her knowing her just a month,

She has finally shut her mouth,

Because I'm lost and I'm overdose

By everything she does.

October 9th, 2022

¹ Chateau is a word in French, the name of a country manor house of the highest aristocracy and nobility, often with a park and a winery.

Dead End

song

[Verse 1]

Now I'm dead

Now I'm fine

I will never ever cry

And I walk through walls

Thanks to God

Thanks to Death

I will never feel my breath

The crunch of bones

And my heartbeat songs

[Chorus]

Probably everyone would consider it a curse

But this is just my choice

That's neither true nor false

People think I'm sick, I'm just a freak

But I think it's a dream

I'm no more human being

[Verse 2]

Now I'm free

Now I see

How desirable death can be

And life is suicidal

My rotting body

Scares everybody

It's so vicious and so muddy

Life wasn’t an idyll

My death is revival

[Chorus]

Probably everyone will forget me in two days

I don't see sunny rays

I found another place

People think I'm geek, but I've become free

Death is no longer bad

When I hit a dead end

[Verse 3]

Thanks to Death

Thanks to prayer

I will see this magic heaven

The Other World

And hear angel's song…

September of 2023

Analysis: This song is the most controversial one. "Dead End" explores the theme of death not as a tragedy, but as a conscious choice and even liberation. The lyrical hero of the song finds peace and freedom in death, which are unattainable in life. However, not everything is as obvious as it seems. In the first verse, it becomes obvious that the hero is happy about what happened to him, happy about his death. This makes it seem like he committed suicide, but there is no confirmation in the song. The lyrical hero realizes that people consider his unhealthy attitude to death strange, but considers his choice to be the right one. Death has made him free, he is no longer dependent on a mortal body, and the horrors of life no longer frighten him. There's an oxymoron in the song that calls life suicidal. The meaning of this is that it was more painful for the lyrical hero to live than to die, so for him life is death, and death is life. He realizes that people will forget him, because a person's time among the living is running out quickly, so he found another place for himself. In the last lines, he says that he will soon see the Other World and hear the song of the angels. However, this may turn out to be a misconception, because if he actually committed suicide, then the torments of hell await him. But if he died for another reason, then heaven may well await him. An open ending appears before the reader, in which he decides for himself which fate is most likely for the hero of the song. In the song, there are no punctuation marks at the end of each line except the last one, which symbolizes that the story is not complete. An ellipsis appears at the end, which leaves the story unfinished.

A Ferocious Beast

song

[Verse 1]

The quick response to the long list of accusations

Is just a smirk that I used to demonstrate.

I wonder what is the point of my participation

If they will just throw stones at my gates?

[Pre-chorus]

And it was obvious

That I was fearless,

That I was serious

When I said I was not.

[Chorus]

And so they say that I am a ferocious beast.

But I don't care, I'm free and young at least.

Well, these hunters wanted to rip out my claws,

But now they have my teeth and my rage in their throat.

A ferocious beast lives in the forest.

Don't go there, kids, it hates annoyance.

A ferocious beast lives in the forest.

Don't go there, kids, please, don't go furthest.

[Verse 2]

I'm calm about all this fucking guile,

That's why I'm not trying to fight with you.

But you're so loud with saying that I'm vile.

I'm going to have to kill your point of view.

[Pre-chorus]

And it was obvious

That I was angry,

That I wasn't happy

When you said that I was.

[Chorus]

And so they say that I am a ferocious beast.

But I don't care, I'm free and young at least.

Well, these hunters wanted to rip out my claws,

But now they have my teeth and my rage in their throat.

A ferocious beast lives in the forest.

Don't go there, kids, it hates annoyance.

A ferocious beast lives in the forest.

Don't go there, kids, please, don't go furthest.

[Bridge]

And it was obvious

That I was humiliated

That I was stranded

When they said I was not.

And it was obvious

That I'll be offended

That I'll be mad at

Them and their control.

But they didn't recall

That I was left alone.

[Chorus]

And so they say that I am a ferocious beast.

But I don't care, I'm free and young at least.

Well, these hunters wanted to rip out my claws,

But now they have my teeth and my rage in their throat.

A ferocious beast lives in the forest.

Don't go there, kids, it hates annoyance.

A ferocious beast lives in the forest.

Don't go there, kids, it hates annoyance, please, don't go furthest…

June 10th, 2024

Greenland

poem

You invited me to go to Greenland.

It seemed to me that it wasn't cold at all.

You have such warm exotic feelings.

Who would've thought that you were an Arctic squall?

A fresh stream of life-giving speeches.

It can always become a wicked swamp.

Marshy hate will leave you speechless.

All that's left for you is an azure hope.

I feel like I'm living in Greenland.

Blinding snow, cold wind and ocean.

A deceptive promise of a green land.

Try to anticipate all my emotions.

I love green eyes, but yours are evil.

Winter is over, but I feel cold and blue.

A blade of grass breaks through like a winner.

I will win if I break up with you.

Because I'm tired of living in Greenland.

Understand, this is not my climate at all.

You promised me a sea of green and

All I got was the pain and the cold.

April 24nd, 2024

Blue/Red, Good/Bad

song

[Verse 1]

I can name many types of problems.

Fatigue, love, life, death, or boredom.

Something blue, something red.

Something senseless, something bad.

But at least you have one or two of them.

[Chorus]

But something blue, something red,

Sometimes good and sometimes bad.

Sometimes something makes you feel very sad.

If something cripples, something heals.

If something heals, then something kills.

If something kills, then you know what it exactly means.

[Verse 2]

Probably, a different approach was needed.

I was burning, I was falling, I was bleeding.

This grief has maimed me rather well.

Well, I confess, I had no plan.

Why didn't anyone warn me that this was hell?

[Chorus]

But something blue, something red,

Sometimes good and sometimes bad.

Sometimes something makes you feel very sad.

If something cripples, something heals.

If something heals, then something kills.

If something kills, then you know what it exactly means.

[Post-chorus]

Something blue, something red.

Something senseless, something bad.

Sometimes something makes you feel very sad.

May 6th, 2024

***

poem

I've been living in this cursed house as a ghost.

Then you were its fearless and sceptical host.

You didn't see me, you didn't feel me there at all,

While I was crying, dying on the frozen floor.

Darling, I should've been your mad misfortune,

But you've become my curse and my torture.

With you, my eternity has become appalling hell.

And, honestly, I dreamt about it every day.

I find myself thinking that this is the end.

The curse will pass; I will return to the grave.

You'll live a happy life; I'll find eternal rest.

The haunted house will become a family nest.

But I don't want that, I'll turn you into my own kind.

I'll lock you here and make you wanna die.

We will become each other's torture, curse,

Each other's nightmare, each other's ghost…

February of 2024

The Blue Days Of Mine

song

[Verse 1]

Are you the reason for my grief?

Are you my unrivalled thief?

Could you steal my tortured heart?

And could you, please, tear it apart?

Calm me down, I beg you, please.

Or should I ask you on my knees?

I feel bad, I want you to be close.

But why are you behind a lot of doors?

[Pre-chorus]

It's getting colder and colder.

I need you to be my supporter.

[Chorus]

Sad, sad, sad, sad eyes are looking for someone.

Bad, bad, bad, bad rhymes come to my mind now.

Fight, fight, fight or flight, you should be rather fine.

Right, right, right, alright, these are the blue days of mine.

[Verse 2]

It's midnight, isn't it too late?

Will you be there if no one stayed?

I need you as if you were my heart,

But if it hurts, does it count as art?

If you're my lungs, why am I suffocating?

If you help me, why am I being stranded?

If you are a part of my soul, then why

I don't feel like you're really mine?

[Pre-chorus]

I guess I'm fading away.

Perhaps it's time to pray.

[Chorus]

Sad, sad, sad, sad eyes are looking for someone.

Bad, bad, bad, bad rhymes come to my mind now.

Fight, fight, fight or flight, you should be rather fine.

Right, right, right, alright, these are the blue days of mine.

[Post-chorus]

Are you the reason for my grief?

Are you my unrivalled thief?

Could you steal my tortured heart?

And could you, please, tear it apart?

May of 2024

News Bulletin

song

[Verse 1]

Well, look,

I know you're a successful kid.

I know that I'm supposed be

Like that too.

But listen, man

When I was a little child

I used to just keep aside.

I was strange and alien.

[Pre-chorus]

And if only everything were fine.

Aah-aah-aah-aah

I wouldn't have to lie.

[Chorus]

My own thoughts are ticking.

I think that I'm losing touch.

You said that I'm amoebic.

Well, it felt like a punch.

I don't have such a great mind.

I've never been so talented.

Viewers, but I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin.

To some, I seem too talkative.

To some, I seem too silent.

They say that I'm too sensitive,

But they also call me violent.

I don't have such a great mind.

I've never been so talented.

Viewers, but I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin.

Mm-m

[Verse 2]

Well, look.

I have no chance, no opportunities.

I don't have the right immunity.

Tell me, shame on you.

But listen, please

I'm tired of being afraid to die.

I tell myself that it's alright.

No one agrees.

[Pre-chorus]

'Cause if only everything were fine.

Aah-aah-aah-aah

I would sleep peacefully at night.

[Chorus]

My own thoughts are ticking.

I think that I'm losing touch.

You said that I'm amoebic.

Well, it felt like a punch.

I don't have such a great mind.

I've never been so talented.

Viewers, but I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin.

To some, I seem too talkative.

To some, I seem too silent.

They say that I'm too sensitive,

But they also call me violent.

I don't have such a great mind.

I've never been so talented.

Viewers, but I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin

Aa-ah.

[Bridge]

And if only everything were fine.

Aa-ah.

I wouldn't have to lie.

La-lie.

'Cause if everything were just alright

Aa-ah.

I would sleep peacefully at night.

All-night.

I'm trying to pick up my rhymes,

But they feed me running lines.

I know I'm just repeating them,

But my lines don't sound that well.

The truth will always be truth, unless

It won't be printed in the press.

Kids, I see me your screams and fear

But I don't have to interfere.

I'm just a correspondent, anyway.

He-ee-eey, he-ee-eey

And I don't want to be blamed.

Ba-ba-ba-blamed, Ba-ba-ba-blamed

If society wants something fake,

Fa-fa-fa-fake, fa-fa-fa-fake

Then I know how to make… it.

[Chorus]

My own thoughts are ticking.

I think that I'm losing touch.

You said that I'm amoebic.

Well, it felt just like a punch.

I don't have such a great mind.

I've never been so talented.

Viewers, I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin.

To some, I seem too talkative.

To some, I seem too silent.

They say that I'm too sensitive,

But they also call me violent.

I don't have such a great mind.

I've never been so talented.

Viewers, but I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin.

[Post-chorus]

Aaaah-aaah

I think it's time

Oh, think it's time

I'm a mastermind

With no goddamn dream

And I must admit

I'm too sensitive.

(That's the question, who am I

To be in your creative team?)

Viewers, well, I think it's time

To stop this news bulletin.

June 13th, 2024

The victory

poem

Where's the victory of mine?

I have been trying all this time

But there is no profit, no success,

The more you try, the more mess

You get. So why go anywhere?

Take your dreams and bury them.

I'm so sick of goddamn people.

I'm as mean as Stewie Griffin. ¹

I am nuts, can't you see?

Who's afraid of little me? ²

I look a lot like Taylor Swift

When it was 2017. ³

The grave opened; she came back.

The white swan has turned black. ⁴

Ground Control to Major Tom, ⁵

Just hide playfully at home

As if there was a nuclear war.

Create a «fallout shelter core»,

Save some Lana Del Rey CDs, ⁶

Turn them on, and sleep in peace.

And so why go anywhere?

You have a heater and a fan.

Is there anything else you need for life

Except for one book and a knife?

One or two dreams of fame,

Preferably to bury them.

That's a damn unfair existence.

Life and death are just twin sisters.

Who are you fighting for, good soldier?

Dear poets, happy torture!

I must be doing something wrong.

Why is there no joy in all my songs?

I could be on Cloud Nine

But there's no victory of mine.

May 6th, 2024

¹ Stewie Griffin is the character of the animated series "Family Guy", a phenomenally gifted one-year-old child, is initially presented as a small evil genius obsessed with the idea of taking over the world.

² "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" is a song by American singer and songwriter Taylor Swift.

³ Taylor Swift's 2017 comeback was marked by the video Look What You Made Me Do from the album "Reputation". In this video, Taylor Swift appears in several images, including as a zombie. Critics noted this song as Swift's entry into the dark side of pop music.

⁴ A reference to the 2010 film Black Swan.

⁵ Ground Control to Major Tom is a line from the song Space Oddity by David Bowie. According to one version, the song tells how, due to a short circuit or other malfunction, the earth can no longer hear Major Tom. He's no longer inside his ship, but flying around it, high above the moon, and the Earth is still blue, and he still can't do anything. There are different ways to interpret a song. For example, there is an opinion that we are talking about the alienation of a person from society, the rejection of patterns and stereotypes imposed by society, as well as the impossibility of change. It's easier for Major Tom to leave this world than to try to change anything in it.

⁶ Lana Del Rey's music is characterized by a combination of different genres. She uses baroque pop, alternative rock, jazz, hip-hop and R&B elements in her work. In her later works, she turns to folk, country and Americana. The sound is mostly calm, but the songs are rich lyrically.

LETTER 1

the first small message for readers. It was written in an English lesson (which is symbolic).

MY BLUEST SONGS OF ’20-'22

one new song is at the beginning of the chapter; another one is at the end of the chapter before the Impressionism part.

Love isn't endless

new song

[Verse 1]

Black underwear.

And I wonder where

You are right now.

I don't think you're allowed

To do too much.

And so this careless touch

Was superfluous.

But, honey, I'm just curious

[Pre-chorus]

Why do you think it's fine

To do what's on your mind?

I don't think that it's fine.

My body's only mine.

I'm scared of defiance.

There was a dead silence,

When I asked you what

You think about our love.

Why didn't you answer?

I think it's a disaster.

I don't want this madness

Cause love isn't endless.

[Verse 2]

Why did I stay?

I should've run away.

Instead of this

I lived in my daydreams.

And it's my fault,

Convince me that's it not.

But you're so proud.

Your goal's to get around.

[Pre-chorus]

You get around this issue.

Yeah, that's the hardest mission.

But problem isn't solved.

Someone should be involved.

[Chorus]

I'm scared of defiance.

There was a dead silence.

When I asked you what

You think about our love.

But why didn't you answer?

I think it's a disaster.

I don't want this madness

Cause love isn't endless.

[Bridge]

Sadness, and that's all.

An eerily black hole.

Because we were too young

Like the songs that were sung.

And we didn't know

The depth of this black hole.

It was so appealing,

That's why we loved that feeling.

And now I'm taking a walk

Around the ships that were sunk

In it. And, honey, maybe

There's a ship on which we sailed.

[Pre-chorus]

We sailed on this ship.

And it had sunk so deep.

You really want to come up,

I won't let you do that now.

[Chorus]

I'm scared of defiance.

There was a dead silence.

When I asked you what

You think about our love.

Why didn't you answer?

I think it's a disaster.

I don't want this madness.

Cause love isn't endless.

July 26th, 2020

Analysis: This song is probably one of the saddest love songs in this book. The lyrical heroine talks about deep disappointment in relationships and the realization of their finiteness. She worries about her partner's behaviour and his unwillingness to discuss the future of their love. The topic of toxic relationships and the decision-making process of ending them is complex and ambiguous, because it is psychologically difficult to understand which is the indisputably correct way out.

The first verse hints at the heroine's worries about her partner's whereabouts and activities, perhaps with a hint of jealousy. She clearly wanted to give him an unforgettable passionate evening, but he still hadn't come, forcing her to wait and speculate about whether she needed such a relationship. Despite the desire for physical intimacy, the heroine realizes that her partner violates her personal boundaries and makes her uncomfortable with his behaviour.

The chorus conveys the heroine's fear of conflict, fear of openly confronting, and her realization that love is not infinite. A partner's silence in response to a question about their love is perceived as a harbinger of disaster.

The second verse expresses regret that she did not leave the relationship earlier, living in illusions. The heroine blames herself, but also reproaches her partner for being proud and unwilling to take responsibility. She becomes aware of her partner's selfish motives.

The following describes the feeling of sadness and emptiness; the relationship is compared to a black hole. The heroine reflects that they were too young and inexperienced to realize the depth of the problems. The image of sunken ships symbolizes shattered hopes and lost opportunities.

Overall, the song explores themes of disappointment, fear, regret, and awareness of the finiteness of love. The heroine comes to the conclusion that the relationship has reached a dead end and no longer brings happiness, she goes from self-blame to understanding that her feelings and boundaries matter. The silence and unwillingness of the partner to discuss problems only aggravate the situation, leading to the final realization that "love isn't endless".

In the morning

poem

In the morning, there's no sunrise,

The wind howls like a hellhound.

Nothing matters, I feel hopeless,

I must be buried underground.

The dark skies are rumbling my doom.

Everything's mixed up in the fog.

My sorrowful garden will never bloom

'Cause it will drown in the smoke.

There's a sunrise in the evening,

Is it a harbinger of the end?

And what was the meaning of our living

If that's how it's supposed to end?

November 6th, 2021

Happiness to be a butterfly

song

[Verse 1]

I was born and I'm alive.

I'm just a bee in an earthly hive.

I was lost and it was sad.

But I don't need any more help.

I'm hot, I'm forced to melt.

The meaning of life is movement.

But come on, let's burn whole world.

'Cause it belongs to man who sold… ¹

[Pre-chorus]

And if I'm still alive

For the sake of our quiet life,

Then why are you killing me?

Is it better than loving me?

Othello, leave me high and dry. ²

I'm just a catcher in the rye. ³

It's mess, it's pretty hard,

It's time to lose, it's time to fight…

[Chorus]

Sometimes the knife pierces you,

The dreams you want will not come true.

I think it's happiness to be a butterfly.

To be born for a moment of beauty and die.

I think it's happiness to be a butterfly.

To be born for a moment of beauty and die.

[Verse 2]

I got the top and I fell down,

No one caught me, you're not around.

I was the first, I was the last.

We were exposed to success lust.

They say I'm some kind of freak.

They tell me that I must be sick.

I'm crying like deep blue sea,

Oh my goodness, what's wrong with me?

[Pre-chorus]

And if I'm still as free as a bird,

If I still love this awful world,

Don't let me fall, don't let me down,

I already know taste of a ground,

A ballerina's life is being destroyed

When she falls of the stage's front.

Please help her get up.

No more dances, no more love.

[Chorus]

Sometimes the knife pierces you,

The dreams you want will not come true

I think it's happiness to be a butterfly.

To be born for a moment of beauty and die.

I think it's happiness to be a butterfly.

To be born for a moment of beauty and die.

February 23rd, 2022

¹ A reference to "The Man Who Sold the World", a song by David Bowie from his album of the same name, released in the USA in November 1970 and in Britain in April 1971.

² The title character of William Shakespeare's tragedy Othello, written around 1604. Othello is a Moor officer, commander of the Venetian garrison in Cyprus, married to a young and virtuous aristocrat Desdemona. Othello kills Desdemona by strangling her, and then, to reduce her suffering, stabs her with a dagger.

³ The Catcher in the Rye is a novel by American writer Jerome Salinger, published in 1951. The work, on behalf of a 17-year-old boy named Holden Caulfield, tells about a heightened perception of American reality and rejection of the common canons and morals of modern society. The main character, Holden Caulfield, wants to become the one who will catch small children in the rye so that they do not fall into the abyss, symbolizing the loss of innocence and the transition to adulthood, full of falsehood, life.

Happy

poem

In the right place

In the smile face

In the best way

In the sunny day

In the past and

In the present

Every time

With the fun

In the dark night

In the first fight

In the last time

In the worst lie

In the mornings

With no mourning

In the summer

With the lover

At the right hour

Dusk till dawn

Like a small secret

We will keep it

In my dreams

As if in old films

I feel happy

Please, don't fake it.

May 1st, 2021

i love me

song

[Verse 1]

I'm the main character,

But not positive and kind.

If my life is a fairytale,

Then I'm Old Shuck, I bite. ¹

I'm Morgana, I'm a villain. ²

Or I'm just your dream.

I'm not even worth a billion.

My price is the whole sea.

[Chorus]

So, they're scared of me like I'm The Black Dog of Newgate, ³

They say I can be cured, but honestly, I think, it's too late.

I'm the she-who-must-be-obeyed. ⁴

But everyone left me and no one stayed.

It turned out that I couldn't foresee.

But I don't care, the one I love is me.

[Verse 2]

Agree or disagree,

To kill or to be killed.

It's half an order, half a plea.

To fight on a foggy field.

Can I not switch roles?

Arthur or Mordred? ⁵

But every person knows.

They're both dead, all mortals.

[Chorus]

But they're scared of me like I'm The Black Dog of Newgate,

They say I can be cured, but honestly, I think, it's too late.

I'm the she-who-must-be-obeyed.

But everyone left me and no one stayed.

It turned out that I couldn't foresee.

But I don't care, the one I love is me.

[Bridge]

You hate yourself as you couldn't withstood,

They advise you to avoid self-criticism.

You love yourself the way you should.

They call it inappropriate kind of egoism.

This is a one-sided perspective

To limit my creativity.

Do you consider the claim to be objective

Or is your goal to project negativity?

[Chorus]

So, they're scared of me like I'm The Black Dog of Newgate,

They say I can be cured, but honestly, I think, it's too late.

I'm the she-who-must-be-obeyed.

But everyone left me and no one stayed.

It turned out that I couldn't foresee.

But I don't care, the one I love is me.

You know, my friend, I'm just fine.

I don't care, because I'm mine

It doesn't matter how you feel.

I know for sure that I love me.

Yes, even if I'm not a queen,

I don't care, 'cause the one I love is me.

[Post-chorus]

So they condemn and say that

I'm a selfish bitch,

But didn't I become a hellcat

Because of their wish?

July 31st, 2020

¹ Old Shuck (aka Black Shuck, Black Dog, etc.) is a Black Dog, a ghostly dog, a character from British folklore. According to the Oxford Dictionary, the name shake comes from the Old English word scucca ("devil, fiend of hell"), or perhaps from the root skuh ("to terrify"). The first printed mention of the Black Dog belongs to the Reverend E. S. Taylor, who described and named this creature "Shaq, the devil dog": "I have heard that many residents of East Norfolk and even Cambridgeshire described this ghost as a huge black shaggy dog with glowing eyes that visits churchyards at midnight". In general, this character is found in the folklore of all the British Isles in one way or another. He has a lot in common (and sometimes is identified) with the well-known Hellhound.

² Morgana is a character in English folklore from the cycle of legends about King Arthur, who is her brother. She is often portrayed in legends as an evil sorceress and an enemy of Arthur.

³ The Black Dog Of Newgate is one of the legends about the Black Dog, in which he appears as the ghost of a sorcerer. The story tells how a sorcerer was imprisoned in Newgate prison. At that time, there was a terrible famine in the country, and other prisoners simply ate the newcomer. Soon, a Black Dog appeared in the prison, who killed these cannibals one by one and even after the survivors escaped, chased them until he destroyed them all.

⁴ She-who-must-be-obeyed is a reference to Henry Rider Haggard's 1887 novel Aesha (in the original She). The novel describes the travels of Horace Holly in the wilds of East Africa, where he searched for the lost kingdom. As a result, he discovered a tribe of savages and the mysterious white queen Aesha, who possesses mystical abilities and immortality. She-who-must-be-obeyed is, one might say, her nickname, "Must-Obey".

⁵ Arthur & Mordred are the heroes of the cycle of legends about King Arthur. Mordred is one of the main antagonists of this cycle. He was knighted at the Round Table, but did not become famous for any exploits, and other knights considered him cowardly and treacherous. It was by Mordred's hand that Arthur died: they fought on the Camlann field and killed each other. No wonder I described the battlefield in the previous verse.

I hope my little baby…

poem

I hope, my little baby, I hope you'll be alright

I hope you will be happy, I hope you will be fine.

I know it 'cause love you, I see your future's bright,

I'll be here above you, sleep peacefully in the night.

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