Stavl Zosimov
Three Sisters

CHAPITRE 1

Mother of the sisters sits on a stool and milks a goat. Finishes, takes a pot of milk, stands up, and goes to the exit.

NOTE: THE RUKOSUEV SISTERS: EVLAMPIYA IS SMALL AND SLIM (20), AKAKIYA IS MEDIUM HEIGHT AND FULL (18), AND CHRISTODOULA IS TALL AND SLIM (16). THE CABIN HAS A KITCHEN AND A BEDROOM. THE FATHER IS SLEEPING IN THE KITCHEN, WHILE THE MOTHER AND DAUGHTERS ARE IN THE BEDROOM..

In the yard of a private cabin, in the center stands a beat-up Moskvich 408. On one side sits the barn and on the other side the residential house. FATHER OF SISTERS steps onto the porch. A little dog is dozing on one of the steps. The father stretches, takes a step, and steps on the dog. The dog yelps and jumps up in surprise. The father loses his balance and falls on his back. The little dog runs off without looking back and collides with MOTHER OF SISTERS, who is carrying a liter jug of milk. MOTHER OF SISTERS stumbles over the dog, tosses the jug, and falls on her back. The jug flies through the open window into the sisters' bedroom..

In the bedroom, the three sisters are lying on their backs on one bed, fast asleep. The jug flies and spins, spilling milk around the room. The jug hits the wall with a bang. The sisters sit up abruptly and open their eyes.

ANNOUNCER

In the village of Kosyakovka, in the Middle Cheburechny district, three native sisters, with the surname Rukosuevy, live with their retired parents. The eldest is named Evlampiya, she is 20 years old, the middle one is Akakiya, she is 18, and the youngest is called CHRISTODOULA, she is 16.

The girls close their eyes and lay back down on the bed simultaneously. The father and mother struggle to get up and shake themselves off. The father sits in the driver's seat and starts the Moskvich. Suddenly, the sound of the engine revving appears, and the sisters once again sit up abruptly and open their eyes.

ANNOUNCER

They had an old paternal Moskvich 408 that roared like a tractor and often had to be started with a push. The car was older than all three of them, so they treated it with respect.

FATHER OF SISTERS

Oh? It started!

MOTHER OF SISTERS

Come on, you wretch, you're not letting our brides sleep?

The father pushes on the gas even harder. Then he suddenly turns off the engine.

FATHER OF SISTERS

The car needs to warm up.

MOTHER OF SISTERS

In the summer? You old fool.

FATHER OF SISTERS

(shouting)

Who will take them? They are as scary as anything. CHRISTODOULA! Why didn't you wash the car?

CHRISTODOULA(dans les coulisses)

I didn't have time. I was busy making a beehive… I'll wash it now.

The sisters are getting dressed in the room.

FATHER OF SISTERS (dans les coulisses)

(shouting)

Done?

CHRISTODOULA

Yes.

The father gets out of the car and walks to the barn.

FATHER OF SISTERS

(Shouting)

You need to take care of the bees. Where is he located? Oh, found him.

The father examines the beehive from all sides. He opens it and takes out the frames.

FATHER OF SISTERS(continuer à)

Listen, what I'm sayin'? We need bees. Mom, go check out what lil beauty our Christodula put together.

The mother approaches the father. She looks and smiles.

MOTHER OF SISTERS

Oh! Such beauty! And you're all about the horses, horses.

FATHER OF SISTERS

That's my love, after all.

CHRISTODOULA enters the barn.

CHRISTODOULA

Yesterday, Evlampiya found a family of bees for pickup on the internet. We need to go to Middle Cheburechny. Will you give us money for gas?

MOTHER OF SISTERS

Why are you silent? Your cheeks are puffed up like a hamster?

FATHER OF SISTERS

Will you give us honey?

CHRISTODOULA

Dad, I'm trying for you, after all.

The father takes out his wallet from his pocket and gives Christodoula five hundred rubles. CHRISTODOULA takes the bill and holds it up to the light.

FATHER OF SISTERS

Enough?

CHRISTODOULA

Enough. But we also need to pay 4,000 for the bees.

FATHER OF SISTERS

What?

CHRISTODOULA

Well, Dad, we've already agreed. And if we don't buy them, they'll cringe and ban us on the internet.

MOTHER OF SISTERS

Don't be stingy.

Reluctantly, the father gives four more bills. CHRISTODOULA takes them joyfully and runs off.

FATHER OF SISTERS

Don't linger. It's time to start weeding the potatoes.

Akakia is sitting behind the wheel. She presses the clutch pedal. She moves the gear lever from neutral to first gear. CHRISTODOULA and Evlampia push the Moskvich out of the yard. Akakia releases the clutch and hits the gas. The car brakes sharply and starts. CHRISTODOULA and Evlampia get into the car, the car moves off and drives away.

The Moskvich is driving along a short country road. CHRISTODOULA is sitting in the front seat holding a box. She pulls it out slightly and watches the slowly moving bees, smiling.

CHRISTODOULA

They seem drunk. And why are they afraid of them?! They are so cute.

AKAKIA

Maybe they deliberately smoked them out?

CHRISTODOULA

Most likely.

EVLAMPIA

CHRISTODOULA. Close it to keep out of trouble.

CHRISTODOULA turns back between the front seats and hands the open-box to Evlampia.

CHRISTODOULA

Let them breathe. Look, Evlampia. They are so cute.

The car hits a stone at speed and bounces. Bees, from the recoil, fly out of the open hole and fall to the bottom of the cabin. Immediately, they come to life and take off in a frenzy. They fill the entire cabin and attack the sisters. The girls start swatting them away.

EVLAMPIA

(Screaming)

Akakia, brake.

The car comes to a sudden stop and the sisters run out in different directions. Out of the open doors, a family of bees fly out and chase each of them. The girls stop and start swatting away the insects. Christodoula has a bee land on her cheek. She tries to brush it off, but the bee manages to sting her..

CHRISTODOULA

(Screaming)

Ouch, that hurts. It did manage to sting me after all.

EVLAMPIA

(freaking out)

I told you to close it.

AKAKIA

They would have suffocated.

EVLAMPIA

(freaking out)

This way is better, right? What should we tell Father? It seems like they're all gone.

Akakia looks at Christodoula and starts laughing.

AKAKIA

No need to tell father anything. He will see Christodoula and understand everything.

Evlampia looks at Christodoula's swollen cheek and starts laughing as well. Christodoula walks up to the side mirror and sees her reflection.

CHRISTODOULA

(Hiding a smile) What are you laughing at? You'd laugh too if it were you.

AKAKIA

Relax, little sister, I got bitten in the ear.

EVLAMPIA

And I got bitten in the nose.

Akakia and Christodoula notice Evlampia. Her nose swells up and thickens before their eyes.

AKAKIA

Don't let Father see you first, Evlampia. Otherwise, he'll say your nose is swollen. That means we spent all the money.

Everyone starts laughing at each other. Akakia sits behind the wheel, while Christodoula and Evlampia push the car. The Moskvich starts, and the sisters jump inside while it's in motion. The Moskvich picks up speed and drives off.

The whole family is having lunch in the kitchen. The father chews, smiles, and looks at his daughters.

FATHER OF SISTERS

You all have such funny faces, brides-to-be?!

Mother jabs father in the side.

MOTHER OF SISTERS

Stop it.

FATHER OF SISTERS

Who would marry them, anyway? Maybe just to chop wood. Although Hristodoula has a chance to get married.

MOTHER OF SISTERS

What are you talking about? They should follow tradition. First Eulampia should get married. She is the oldest. Then Akakia, and only after that Hristodoula.

CHRISTODOULA

Why?

FATHER OF SISTERS

Because if you get married first, then your sisters may remain spinsters.

EVLAMPIA

How so?

MOTHER OF SISTERS

You'll remain as bridesmaids.

FATHER OF SISTERS

You'll become old maids.

AKAKIA

Other fathers coddle their daughters. But you, daddy-o, you humiliate us.

FATHER OF SISTERS

Are you watching too many TV shows in your dorm?

CHRISTODOULA

Internet, not a dorm.

FATHER OF SISTERS

Shh. Teach father a lesson. I'll cut your tongue out.

MOTHER OF SISTERS

What's gotten into you today, Rukosuev?

FATHER OF SISTERS

So, ladies. Mom said the goat gave up a lot of milk. I called my buddy in the area, and he agreed to lend his pedigree billy goat. I need to go get him today.

AKAKIA

No gasoline. And where do we go with such faces?

FATHER OF SISTERS

I will give you money for gas. As for your faces, you weren't particularly attractive even without tumors. The goat will like you.

The sisters cast a stern glance at their father, then lower their eyes back to their plates.

MOTHER OF SISTERS

What are you talking about? Old fool. I would sympathize.

FATHER OF SISTERS

And what about me? Do you believe them? They just drank too much Armenian wine. That's why their faces are swollen in the morning.

EVLAMPIA

You are wrong, daddy. Oh, you are wrong.

MOTHER OF SISTERS

When they were asleep, I deliberately sniffed them. There was no smell of alcohol.

FATHER OF SISTERS

So they snacked on absinthe and that's it. That's how it is. If you don't bring it, blame yourselves. And don't forget to ask the goat.

CHRISTODOULA

When are we going?

FATHER OF SISTERS

Right now. Have a shot and let's go. Everything's clear?

CHRISTODOULA

OK. Boomer. Smell the beaver.

MOTHER OF SISTERS

Why even bother with the name?

Moskvich is standing at the gate of the house. EVLAMPIA and AKAKIA are sitting in the cabin.

AKAKIA

They say goats are smelly. The cabin wouldn't smell.

EVLAMPIA

So let's put him in the trunk?!

CHRISTODOULA comes out of the gate, followed by the kum leading a goat on a leash. The goat resists. The kum gives him a cookie and he goes. EVLAMPIA and AKAKIA come out of the cabin.

AKAKIA

Hello. And what is his name?

THE GODFATHER

Got it. Open the trunk.

AKAKIA approaches the car trunk and opens it. The kum brings the goat and grabs its front legs.

THE GODFATHER (continuer à)

Come on, girls, help out.

CHRISTODOULA grabs the hind legs, while EVLAMPIA and AKAKIA grab the belly.

EVLAMPIA

Are we not going to tie up the legs?

THE GODFATHER

Do we need to tie him up? He's like a calf. Give him a cookie, and he'll sell his homeland.

They forcibly push the goat with a leash into the trunk of the car. The goat starts screaming at the top of his lungs and kicking.

THE GODFATHER (continuer à)

Oops. I've never heard his voice before.

The sisters and the kum stuff the goat into the trunk, and AKAKIA slams the latch shut. The goat continues to yell without stopping.

EVLAMPIA

Is he going to keep yelling the whole way?

AKAKIA

They wouldn't have been arrested.

THE GODFATHER

No, they wouldn't. He will yell, but then he will stop. Don't take the leash off. It will be easier to catch him. Just lure him with cookies. But actually, he loves chips. He definitely won't run away from those.

CHRISTODOULA

What is his name?

THE GODFATHER

Budulay. Well, goodbye. Give my regards to Father and Mother. Let him come to visit himself, back with the goat.

AKAKIA

His right to drive was revoked.

THE GODFATHER

Really?

CHRISTODOULA

Goodbye.

The girls get into the cabin and drive away.

The Moskvich is driving along a dirt road. The goat doesn't stop yelling.

EVLAMPIA

When will he shut up?

AKAKIA

When he loses his voice.

CHRISTODOULA

And when will he lose his voice?

AKAKIA

Ask him.

The car bounces on a bump of the dirt road. The car jumps up. The trunk opens, and the goat jumps out.

CHRISTODOULA

Stop! Budulai ran away.

The car screeches to a halt. The sisters jump out of the cabin and rush to catch the goat through the plowed field. The goat weaves between the sisters and runs into the forest.

AKAKIA

That's it, we're screwed. Dad is going to give us a real talking to.

EVLAMPIA

We should have listened to me. 'Why tie him up? He's like a cow.'

The sisters, looking dejected, approach the car. Akakia gets behind the wheel, Christodoula sits in the front passenger seat and looks at her smartphone. And Evlampia sits in the back, takes out her smartphone, and starts recording everything around her.

AKAKIA

Let's figure this out.

CHRISTODOULA

You have some cabbage left from the gasoline?

AKAKIA

Yes, just a little.

CHRISTODOULA

Then let's head to the district. We'll sit in a cafe, think about where to get money for another goat.

EVLAMPIA

Can you even tell a goat from a sheep?

CHRISTODOULA

Well… A goat has an udder with four penises, and a billy goat has an udder with one penis.

EVLAMPIA

And then you brought a puppy. Polkan, Polkan. A boy.

AKAKIA

And Polkan brought eight puppies… As far as I know, a cow has four penises, while a goat has two or three?!

CHRISTODOULA

Doesn't it all the same?! The main thing is more than one …

A heavy rain begins to pour. Akakia turns the ignition, but the car doesn't start. She tries again, but to no avail.

AKAKIA (continuer à)

You need a push start.

Evlampia and Christodoula get out and start pushing. Akakia releases the clutch, but the engine doesn't start. They try again, with the same result. They get back into the cabin.

EVLAMPIA

Strange. It doesn't start even with a push.

Akakia gets out of the car, opens the hood, and inspects the engine.

EVLAMPIA

Come on, help your sister.

CHRISTODOULA

It's raining there.

EVLAMPIA

Not sugary. You're not melting.

Christodoula comes out of the cabin and joins Akakia, inspecting the engine together. Akakia and Christodoula, wet and cold, sit in the cabin.

AKAKIA

I don't know what the cause is. The engine is just an engine.

EVLAMPIA

Are you sure you filled up the gas tank with gasoline?

AKAKIA

Oh damn. I forgot to turn on the ignition.

EVLAMPIA

Just like in the joke, tricked the taxi driver. Gave him money and didn't go herself.

AKAKIA

I will freeze my ears just to spite my mom.

Evlampia and Akakia are laughing.

CHRISTODOULA

What are you laughing at? Looks like we'll have to push it.

AKAKIA

Eight kilometers to the district? In the rain?

EVLAMPIA

Looks like the rain is here to stay. Nothing we can do about it. Let's go. We'll dry off in a cafe.

The girls get out of the car and start pushing. It's raining. The car struggles to get moving and starts rolling.

CHRISTODOULA

We'll finish as soon as we get to the square, the rain will stop.

AKAKIA

Do not quack, Christodoula.

CHAPITRE 2

The sisters push the car to the settlement square and the rain stops.

CHRISTODOULA

What did I say? It's a gift from

Grandma.

EVLAMPIA

Shut up, little one. Just the

Law of Sod. I knew that too.

AKAKIA

Just as suspected. Everyone had

a hunch. They just kept it more

discreetly.

They sit in the cabin to rest. Christodula takes her smartphone.

CHRISTODOULA

I'm going to start streaming on the channel now. Quiet everyone.

Christodula is gazing intently at the smartphone screen.

AKAKIA

What's up, CHRISTODOULA, are you frozen?

CHRISTODOULA

Oh!… it's the phone that froze. The internet is glitching… Hello everyone, this is CHRISTODOULA, and in today's video we…

CHRISTODOULA falls silent.

AKAKIA

What are we?!

CHRISTODOULA

(Surprised)

Can you imagine, AKAKIA, a boomer, a Canadian, traded a paperclip for a real house?!

AKAKIA

(Sardonically)

Oh, come on. It's all fake. Are you streaming or not?

CHRISTODOULA abruptly thrusts their smartphone screen into AKAKIE's face.

CHRISTODOULA

Check out the evidence …

AKAKIA looks at the screen and makes a displeased face.

AKAKIA

This is a prank, you fool.

CHRISTODOULA

Let's pretend this isn't a prank and I'll trade something …

CHRISTODOULA looks around the windows and sees a sports car nearby.

CHRISTODOULA (continuer à)

Look, there's a Lamborghini just like that one over there.

AKAKIA

(Laughing)

Yeah, you're pulling my leg?!

CHRISTODOULA

Why not?! This guy Kyle MacDonald traded a paperclip for a house and caused a worldwide hype. And what, am I a noob or something?! I have thousands of loyal subscribers on the channel!

CHRISTODOULA searches through their pockets.

CHRISTODOULA (continuer à)

Maybe I can hype up too on the same topic? Do you have something? A paperclip, for example.

AKAKIA sarcastically pats themselves on the pockets and shakes their head disapprovingly.

AKAKIA

Naked.

CHRISTODOULA turns to EVLAMPIA. EVLAMPIA films the sisters arguing on her smartphone.

CHRISTODOULA

And what about you?

EVLAMPIA moves the camera around.

EVLAMPIA

No, only a condom.

EVLAMPIA hands the condom to CHRISTODOULA. She looks at it with widened eyes.

CHRISTODOULA

(surprised)

Are you kidding?

AKAKIA

(tauntingly)

What, CHRISTODOULA, can't you trade a condom for a sports car?

EVLAMPIA and AKAKIA burst out laughing.

CHRISTODOULA

(Frowning)

Why are you laughing? Is it not impossible?! Let's make a bet. If I trade a condom for a Lamborghini, what will be the prize?

EVLAMPIA

(surprised)

Oh?! I found another ruble.

AKAKIA

Vibe! The ruble will be the prize. So go ahead CHRISTODOULA, win the ruble. Or go all in for a hundred exchanges?

CHRISTODOULA

(Confidently)

Easy!

CHRISTODOULA exits the car. AKAKIA and EVLAMPIA also step out and both laugh. EVLAMPIA continues to film CHRISTODOULA.

CHRISTODOULA

Stop trolling …

AKAKIA

But leave the smart one?

CHRISTODOULA

EVLAMPIA, that's my video.

EVLAMPIA

I'll send you a link from the cloud. You can stream it for Likes. Maybe they will appreciate you?

CHRISTODOULA hands over the smartphone and approaches the bus stop with the newspaper kiosk, tears off a notice, and unexpectedly peers into the window. The male seller jumps in surprise.

CHRISTODOULA

Who are you, dude?

NEWSSTAND SELLER

Philip.

CHRISTODOULA

And I am CHRISTODOULA?

NEWSSTAND SELLER

Well, you scared me.

CHRISTODOULA

Sorry. I have a problem.

NEWSSTAND SELLER

What do you mean?

CHRISTODOULA

I am a poetess and I have a surge of creativity right now, but I don't have a pen, only paper.

The seller puts different pens on the table. CHRISTODOULA chooses the best one and examines it carefully.

NEWSSTAND SELLER

Twenty-five rubles.

CHRISTODOULA

Are you toxic? Let's just have fun.

Condom for ballpoint pen?

The seller smiles.

CHRISTODOULA(continuer à)

What, impotent or something? I forgot my card, and the surge might fade away. Or are you not up for it?

NEWSSTAND SELLER

No, never mind. Let's hype it up.

CHRISTODOULA

You are handsome.

CHRISTODOULA walks away from the kiosk happily waving the pen like a flag. She approaches her sisters, and they walk towards the car.

AKAKIA

But that's not a sports car.

CHRISTODOULA

It's not evening yet.

CHAPITRE 3

FATHER OF SISTERS exits the yard wearing only underwear and smiles as he looks at the mother of the sisters and her friends sitting on the bench.

FATHER OF SISTERS

What, prostitutes? Are you waiting for your drug dealer?

MOTHER OF SISTERS

Calm down. Old man. Tell me, where are you going?

FATHER OF SISTERS

Running. And then I'll pour cold water over myself.

MOTHER OF SISTERS

Is that not enough for you? I was tired of dealing with his daughters last winter. Go, chop wood instead.

FATHER OF SISTERS

Yeah, right. I'll be doing nonsense when three lazy mares can't even get married out of idleness.

MOTHER OF SISTERS

h, you can go to hell.

FATHER OF SISTERS

They have bred a new breed of hunting bees. Huge like bears, and as fierce as dogs…

SECOND GRANDMOTHER

Do they still bring honey?

FATHER OF SISTERS

Of course, they snatch it from the old ladies at the market and bring it back.

Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.

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