Sex & Intimacy 101

2 The sex quadrant

What is so important about sex that makes a preacher like me to write a book about it? Oh okay, let me answer that. Now, who is first? I will start with women. Ladies first, right? Sex helps women relief stress especially after a boring day at work. Sex can humiliate a headache and refresh a fatigued woman—it’s a refreshment of some sort. Women who sex their husbands have a better chance of patronizing them hence winning their favor because men love sex and will treat tenderly women who care enough about them to treat them to cookie pleasure. In India, sex is respected for procreation. It helps women bond with their men at a level that nothing else can come to. It helps to put female lovers on the spotlight such that they feel attractive and confident. Women who ignore sex long enough can suffer vaginal atrophy—simply defined as a ‘‘waste away, typically due to the degeneration of cells.’’ Ladies, don’t waste this thing. Once you lose control over sex you’re losing control over your man. Sex to a man is like candy to a kid or milk to a cat, it keeps his mood jovial. Men who enjoy sex are happier than men who don’t. Men with poor sex lives can often be moody and grumpy and easily irritable. Lack of desire for sex on the part of women causes depression in men, and the bulk of them, nag, lust, visit prostitutes and do side-chicks. After all, not all men are Christians and not all Christians are strong enough to stand sexual denial. And he is not going to tell you he did a call girl or one night stand. You will be there playing forbidden and he will just watch you and bother you less. It’s like a kid,when a kid is too quite,there is something happening during that span of silence. If you check you will find the kid muddy,playing with soap mixed with oil and doing all sorts of destructive things. When your man becomes quiet and doesn’t bother you no more, get bothered! He’s probably taken his bother to the next camp. A lot of men simply don’t understand how loved they are unless it’s communicated through sex. It’s a language men speak. Besides, sex is a calorie burner that is way better than the treadmill coz you can burn close to 200 calories in a one hour sex session .It hydrates skin,improves it and strengthens nails thus helping your gal to have durable manicures. It’s cardio exercising, activates thigh muscles and improves your hair by making it shine. A study done in Queen’s University shows that sex somehow extends the lifespan of its beneficiaries. It improves the sense of smell through the production of prolactin. It reduces your chances of heart diseases. It alleviates pain through oxytocin and somehow prevents the pain of arthritis, and migraine aches. Yes, you have been saying it jokingly, but you are right, sex does discourage flu and colds by increasing levels of an antibody called immunoglobin. Sex deters prostate cancer from boasting about conquering you and balances your hormones. Dentists agree that sperms have in them a reasonable amount of zinc, calcium and other dental elements that help produce healthy teeth as your body absorbs his sperms. I am just saying ladies. Not that I am trying to get you to swallow his sperms.No.Haaaahaaa.I am just saying.Sex is good medicine. That’s a whole pharmacy between one’s legs. I wish all women and men knew this.Next time you struggle to get some sleep,don’t take expensive tranquilizers,save money, have sex and you will sleep like a baby. Good sex a week, keeps the doctor away. I really get tired of praying for people whose solution is just a shag away. I want to pray for real issues and concerns.

Since sex is so important, I am going to say the same thing in few ways before I start teaching you the sex quadrant. I have always hated formal school for being so formal and rigid that some clever people had to be dropouts to succeed at life. Our world is led by dropouts who could not wait another moment to quit school and start living. Brad Pitt dropped out of the University of Missouri instead of waiting two more weeks for graduation. Oprah dropped out of Tennessee State University. Talk about Jim Carrey and Lady Gaga. Those are dropouts. Tom Hanks, Abraham Lincoln, Walt Disney, John Lennon and John Mackey are some the world’s famous dropouts. They are just like Tupac Shakor, Lil Wayne, Eminem and them. Funny enough, our schoolbooks are loaded with lessons from people who rejected or were rejected by the educational system. We study windows, apple OS manuals and stuff. But that stuff comes from drop puts. Ironic isn’t it?

Formal school can teach you about the force of gravity but not sex, and how to do it graciously unless you are studying sex therapy . They can teach you how to write a formal letter of employment or curriculum vitae but how many schools teach one how to write a company profile? We are learning how to deal with organizational rivalry but our own enemies are messing us up. Then there’s this guy who holds a bachelor’s degree in Business Admin, and the same guy runs someone’s company better than his own life. Why is it like that? I think we hardly think we can apply the things we learn at school on ourselves because we were taught to think within the perimeters of employment. But today, that should end. I will teach you sex stuff using the very things you learned at school. In the bedroom, if ever you need to turn your lover on, you are simply trying to create a demand so that you can supply. That’s basic economics and the very thing you learned about supply and demand. Your lover is an asset, and you have the liability to put this asset to full use but there are going to be some operating expenses. That’s accounts. You see, a person is like a system and there is no way any system will run without ignition and preparing for that system to operate, especially when it comes to sex. That’s engineering. But in business school we learned something that might change your bedroom life forever.

Around 1953,Neil Borden, of the American Marketing association brought about new knowledge for marketers by introducing the 4p’s of marketing (Product, Price, Place and promotion). In 1990’s Lauterborn converted the 4ps to four Cs (consumer, cost, communication, convenience) citing the need to be more customer orientated. But to me the difference between these four P’s and C’s was nothing more than playing around with acronyms because the meaning is quiet similar. Product is comparable to commodity, Price is basically cost and promotion and communication go together while place is a matter of convenience. If you are not into marketing, not only are you bored by me saying this, you also don’t understand it. But please hang on, for just a bit.

If you’ve ever learned marketing you might have come across something called the market mix. I call it the ‘‘marketing quadrant’’ because it’s made up of 4 things that constitute intelligent marketing. Quad means four. Just hang on. You will learn things that you never thought you needed to rock your bedroom life. Simply put, Marketing is exposing what you have for the consumer to enjoy. Marketing looks at this in four aspects, which I love to call the marketing quadrant, but is quite often referred to as the ‘‘market mix.’’ Basically, the marketing quadrant is a combination of four factors that can be controlled by a company to influence consumers to purchase its products and these are namely: product, place, promotion and price. What kind of product in terms of shape, size, color, texture and other features determines your market’s response? Which place are you selling it and what are the means of promoting it? What about pricing? These four components determine the difference between epic performance and grey mediocrity in marketing. And that sounds very academic, right? Well its very sexy as well. Wait until I unfold it.

Just how does a marketing quadrant turn into a sex quadrant? Simple, in the bedroom, you are a product ready to be enjoyed by your spouse and vice-versa. Is the place right and prepared for sex? What are the means you have employed to promote sexuality for that moment? Are you ready to pay the price its going to cost to give your lover epic sex performance? So there goes the 4ps, namely product, place, promotion and price. But as I dig into these four, you might soon notice why the sex graph in your home went from hero to zero. Let’s go...

(a)Product

You are a product, even if your spouse is not paying a dollar for a round. It matters in contemporary marketing as to how the product looks. If you are selling phones, their sizes, operational mechanisms, softwares and overall feel is going to matter. Those attributes are going to determine how well your sales rock. Marketing starts with the aspect of product. That’s why companies are fighting in the market to produce better looking and functioning products. Look at yourself? Are you attractive to your spouse? Already some of you readers are getting Ideas. Perhaps you think we are going to talk about the need for you to have big breasts, big dicks and wide hips. Well, that might make a good product but I am not trying to give God correctional lessons on how He could have made you. You see, how your lover is shaped is your choice and hers. Nobody ever decided to be tall or short, but we do decide whether to date a tall or short person. I don’t think I want to address things, which you can do nothing about such as looking as ugly as a frog. But there are things that I will be glad to mention. One of them is weight. Many of us were able to lift their brides on that blessed wedding day, but today, it has to be a testimony that you can lift your own wife. Over the years, she had kids, moved from honey to mommy and is now heavier than two bags of cement put together. Women, if you think the vows your husband made bars him from being attracted to women who are half your size you are damn wrong, and it’s a good thing this book is not going to spare your feelings. When you are extremely fat, chances are you will be unattractive. Yes, African men, love fat women but not when that fatness makes it difficult to have sexual fun.

A man will prefer a woman whose body size can accommodate various sexual movements. Besides, fat people suffer breathing difficulties and tiredness. Just how are such things sexy? Woman, do something about your weight, or else most sex positions are just not going to work for him because of your shape. You can do better than saying ‘‘God made me that way.’’ But you should know that your man is not going to pressurize you . He will say you are fine the way you are but half the time such confessions are lies coming through his teeth. Ain’t no man, that get’s permanently happy with elephant sizes and that’s a fact. Especially if he didn’t marry you when you were that size. You will not always be petite into your old age, but you can agree with me that certain kilos you gained over the years are not to be condoned and unless you are willing to tempt your man into considering plan B, which we all know is a ‘‘small house’’... Fat can fur up the arteries, reducing blood flow to the clitoris and lessening sensitivity. Fat women most likely feel unattractive and will rush to hide between the sheets to dodge standing positions under bright light.

And for men, who care about the product, don’t forget that the duty to stay attractive is not for women only. Many of us men eat the way we want and we develop chubby bodies with pot belies almost covering our genitals. This type of thing affects our women but they don’t want to wound our egos. Worst of all, men love to be on top of women during sex. Which woman enjoys a weight of 120-140 kgs on top of her belly for at least one-hour everyday? You are simply heavy and by the way being that fat also shortens the penis. Ask any frank woman what she likes and she is not going to tell you she’s happy with a pot belly on her man. Start exercising like me and lose weight. I had to lose 25 kgs of weight early in the year 2015.We have to wonder why God made Adam with a good body which probably had a six-pac. He must have found it necessary for the woman. Your woman longs for that Adamic architecture, and even if you are not able to look like Jean-Claude Van Damme in blood sport, at least have a considerable chest for her to rest on. Women like that. Growing some lawn on it would be an added advantage to some. Which lady doesn’t like strong arms, abs, strong legs, lutes, and chest? Even Christian women like that. Just avoid the love-me-as-I-am syndrome. You are not to be like that, you have just allowed yourself to wear a fat body suit over the years. Nobody was born having weight that rivals a rhino. Exercising is like archaeology, it will dig out the real you from that bolt of fat and you will be glad to see how creative God has been about your body. Unveil that masterpiece.

Flexibility, and strength is another thing under product. The less you exercise the less active you can be in bed because sex is just gymnastics coiled around the idea of making love. Of course there is intimacy in sex, otherwise it would not be sex but consensual rape, but there is also physic. It’s a mind, body and soul thing. I used to be so fat that just going up a bridge in the city was like a sports challenge to me. I remember breathing heavily like a dying horse one day as I got up that bridge. Not only was I fat, my stamina was no better than the strength of a rat. You could almost tell my sex life by the way I got tired over nothing. One day I grew sick and tired of my fat body. I grew sick and tired of being sick and tired... and joined the group that routinely takes walks around the city every evening. I have met men who were so fat in workplaces and fumed every time the elevator in their offices broke down. They enjoyed sedentary lifestyles and yet expected sex from their wives despite their pumpkin bodies. That on its own is sin against marriage.

Women settle for teddy bears because they are good at earning pay and supporting the family. But if they could, they would opt for a strong guy with a well-built body and an ability to care for them. The thing is that guys at the gym who are obsessed with keeping a sexy body are often womanizers. This makes our women settle for teddy bears without necessarily being satisfied. Men, wake up and smell the coffee, your women are greatly tempted to get some muscular, strong pounding but they are held by their Christian faith, tradition, tight security and above all, the love they have for their chubby men. This is simply loyalty at its best. There is no greater loyalty I know, than when a woman sticks to her deliberately shapeless man despite temptations to look outside the matrimonial window.