My Name is Nell

CHAPTER FOUR

NELL SIGHED IN RELIEF after her talk was over. Therapeutic as it was to recall the lessons of the worst times, she always carried away a residue of self-disgust and fear. Sobriety was hardly guaranteed. Instead, it was a daily reprieve. Yet as she left the church, there was a spring in her step, her mood buoyed by the hollow-eyed, yet hopeful expressions on the faces of the two newcomers at the meeting.

Ben Hadley fell in beside her. “Nice job, Nell.”

The quiet words of praise filled her with love for her friend, who had been through so much with so many. If anyone lived the Twelve Steps, it was Ben. His humility and selflessness were legendary. “Thank you. I don’t know why, but it was especially difficult today.”

He kept pace with her. “Any particular reason?”

Nell thought about his question. When she reached her car, she turned to face him. “This may sound funny, but I’m too happy. I…I’m afraid to trust it.”

He nodded sagely, then smiled. “It’s okay to be happy. You’re worth it.” He patted her shoulder. “Have a great day.”

She sat in the car for several moments. That was one of the hardest lessons—liking herself. Believing she was worthy of approval, acceptance, love. It was so tempting to dwell on the harm she’d done, but the danger with that line of thinking lay in one of the “cures” for negativity. Liquor. Thank God for AA, which had given her the means to face herself and others with forgiveness and love.

Driving to work, she thought about what had made her tell Ben she was happy. She was contented with her job, her home, and, despite the normal ups and downs with Abby and her mother, her relationships. So what was different today? With unflinching honesty, she made herself utter the name. “Brady Logan.” She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed male companionship, the easy give-and-take of communication, even the sound of a deep voice in her home and the lingering scent of a fragrance decidedly masculine.

Given his situation, friendship was all that he could offer, which suited her fine, because anything else would scare her silly. If they ever moved into intimacy… She cringed. Memory blotted out the sun and in her mind she heard Rick again, flinging his customary accusation. “Can’t you loosen up, for God’s sake? Or at least try to fake it.”

Oh, she’d learned to fake it all right—after several glasses of numbing wine. But it hadn’t been enough to save her marriage.

She was obviously no Clarice.

Friend. That sounded just her speed. She hoped Brady never wanted more. If he did, he’d be disappointed. Sex was a thing of the past, and she’d learned there were worse things than doing without a man, particularly a sexually demanding, emotionally abusive one like Rick.

She found a parking place at the library and pulled in, but remained in the car, rendered immobile by a notion that had suddenly surfaced from somewhere in her subconscious. She was kidding herself. The truth? Brady stirred her in a way she’d never experienced and it was exhilarating.

But mostly terrifying.

ABBY’S FIRST WORDS when Nell walked in the house early that evening rocked her. “Grandma told me about your date.”

Slowly Nell set down her purse, fighting the tension stiffening her neck. Stella had picked up her granddaughter, and they’d spent the afternoon together. Alike as two peas in a pod, Stella and Abby watched over her with the fierceness of mother eagles. “What date?”

Abby leaned against the kitchen counter, arms folded across her chest. “She said some man took you to a movie.”

“Some man did.”

“Why didn’t I know about it?”

“You were in Dallas.”

“So I’m not supposed to know, is that it?”

Nell crossed to the refrigerator and took her time getting out the casserole she’d prepared for dinner. “You make it sound as if I deliberately kept something from you.”

“Well, didn’t you?”

“It wasn’t that big a deal.” Nell had no idea whether she sounded convincing. She silently acknowledged her decision not to tell Abby about her outings with Brady and run the risk of upsetting her. Now, thanks to Stella, she had no choice but to face the issue.

“Who is he?”

“A friend I met at the library.”

“Grandma said you need to be careful. That he sorta picked you up.”

Nell bit back an unkind retort. “Give me credit for being smarter than that.” Yet, what did she really know about Brady Logan? He was a successful businessman and a grieving widower. But beyond that? “He’s new in town. We’re friends. End of discussion.” She preheated the oven. “Now tell me about registration.”

Abby eyed her dubiously, aware her mother was changing the subject, then shrugged. “Okay, I guess. Tonya’s locker is in the same hall, and we both have Mr. Sanders for English. We had this dumb assembly about the rules. They treat us like babies.”

Nell stifled a smile.

“What’s his name?”

“Whose name?”

“The man.”

Nell put her arm around her daughter, thankful Abby didn’t pull away. “Brady Logan,” she said in an even voice. “Abby, he’s no one you need to be concerned about.”

“That’s a relief.”

Nell turned her daughter so she could look into her eyes. “Honey, things don’t stay the same.”

“Duh. You think I don’t know that? If they did, Dad would still be here.”

Nell summoned every ounce of patience. “Someday you will have a boyfriend, go off to college, get married. And someday it’s possible I might have another relationship. Life isn’t about standing still. It’s about taking risks. Experiencing the unusual. Meeting new people. If I’ve learned anything at all, it’s that we must never lose sight of the potential in every person, in every day. But right now? I’m not looking for a man, okay?”

Abby looked down. “Whatever.”

Nell turned back to the casserole, vowing not to let Abby see the tears of frustration gathering. Behind her, she heard the lid of the cookie jar being lifted.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

Abby separated an Oreo and licked the filling off one wafer before continuing. “If he ever comes again, can I meet him?”

“Certainly.”

“He’s probably a dweeb, anyway.”

After Abby left the room, Nell slumped over the counter. She’d had no idea Abby would be so possessive of her. The last thing she needed was to upset the family equilibrium. What would she be risking if she continued her friendship with Brady?

Reflecting on the change in her mood from earlier in the day, she reached a conclusion. Fate quickly mocked anyone who claimed to be “too happy.”

AT NOON ON Wednesday Brady attended his first Rotary meeting since well before the accident. Avoiding all unnecessary human contact on the road, he’d never given Rotary a thought, but now it seemed like a viable way to learn more about the community and to meet some business leaders. As luck would have it, seated at his table were a local bank president and Buzz Valentine, a commercial realtor. From his offhand questions, he learned they were both high on the investment potential in the area. This optimism was further advanced by the speaker, who cited regional airport traffic figures in excess of estimated projections.

For a short time there, Brady realized later, he’d actually felt a sizzle of adrenaline at the prospects, proving his business instincts weren’t totally dead. After making an appointment with Buzz Valentine for the next day, he decided to spend the rest of the afternoon at the library researching local movers and shakers.

Yeah, Logan.

Okay, and getting a “loneliness fix” from Nell, who had provided him with the only moments of contentment he’d had in many months.

NELL BENT OVER her desk, studying the book list provided by the elementary school reading coordinator, tickled to find several of her favorite titles. She picked up the list and headed for the children’s area to pull some books for a shelf display.

“Nell?”

She glanced down and immediately felt her fair skin betray her. “Hi, Brady.” She noted the newspapers and business magazines spread on the table around him. “More research?”

“I figure if I’m going to be here awhile, I need to learn all I can about the area economy.”

She fingered a magazine cover sporting the wellknown face of a nationally prominent entrepreneur headquartered in Northwest Arkansas. “This region isn’t the sleepy little byway of yesteryear, thanks to people like him.”

Brady cocked an eyebrow. “Hardly. Pretty impressive financials.”

Nell fought the mesmerizing sensation produced by gazing into his brown eyes. “Let me know if I can locate anything for you.” She held up the lists in her hands. “If you’ll excuse me, I have work to do in the children’s area.”

He stood and started to walk along with her. “Can I help?”

“If you want.” Anything was better than having him study her with that unsettling stare. “Here.” She handed him the second page of the list. “You could pull some of these titles.”

He ran a finger down the page. “Johnny Tremain and The Outsiders. Wow. I haven’t thought of them in years.”

“Books have a way of transporting us to the time and place we encountered them, don’t they?”

He didn’t answer. When she glanced up inquiringly, she was taken aback. Rather than the pleased smile of recognition she expected to see, his jaw had tensed and a frown creased his forehead. Odd.

Finally he said, “I suppose.” He laid down a book and turned to gaze out the window. “I try not to think of the past.”

He’d said the words more to himself than to her, so she continued pulling volumes in silence. She could understand why the immediate past was difficult for him, but what childhood memories had the books triggered?

She didn’t know how long he stood at the window, but when he faced her again, his expression was more relaxed. “You seem to love what you do.”

She smiled. “Is it that obvious?”

“Your face lights up when you talk about books. Did you know that?” His voice held a tinge of yearning. “I used to feel that way about my work.”

“And now?”

“It seems meaningless. What lasting satisfaction does creating and marketing software provide? You never see the results of your efforts.”

“But isn’t the challenge of it fulfilling?”

“If you count the reward in dollars and cents.”

“You don’t?”

He stared over the tops of the shelves. “Not anymore.” After an awkward silence, he took a step toward her. “At this point I have more questions than answers, but this much I know. I’m due for a change. Sticking around here for starters.”

The intensity of his gaze caused her skin to tingle. “You could do worse.”

“Yeah,” he said thoughtfully. “There’s lots to like. For instance, you’re here.”

Nell didn’t know how to take his remark. Surely he wasn’t going to make some life-altering decision based on her. That would be ludicrous. She screwed up her courage. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

He gave a crooked smile. “That didn’t come out right, did it? What I meant to say is that you’ve succeeded in helping me think about rejoining the human race.”

She hugged two books to her chest, then responded thoughtfully, “Believe me, I know how hard that is to do, but, Brady, it’s worth the effort. You have a lot of tomorrows left.”

“Tomorrows?” Slowly he shook his head. “Yeah. I like the sound of that.” He paused. “Especially from you.”

Before Nell could process her reaction to his last words, she sensed the approach of someone and looked beyond Brady. Lily. Her sister’s timing was as flawless as her carefully sculpted hairdo and perfectly understated makeup.

“There you are, Nell.” Lily sailed into the area. “When I couldn’t find you in your office, I thought I’d find you here.” With an assessing smile aimed straight at Brady, she said, “And you are—”

“Brady Logan.” He extended his hand and shook Lily’s.

Lily turned to Nell. “Your friend?”

Lord, now Brady would think she’d been talking about him to her family. “Yes. We met here about a week ago.” Nell’s voice box didn’t seem to be working properly. “This is my sister, Lily Roberts.”

Brady nodded acknowledgment.

“The way you were talking, so seriously and all, I figured you weren’t just another library patron.” Lily indulged in a tinkling laugh that to Nell’s ears was replete with sisterly innuendo.

Brady took command. “I am that, too. I’m trying to learn about the Fayetteville area and Nell’s been kind enough to assist me.”

Lily cocked her head. “In the children’s section?”

Nell prayed the floor would swallow her. She knew her sister. Beyond that flirtatious facade, Lily was determined to pump Brady for information.

Brady gestured toward the library table where he’d been sitting. “It seems I strayed a bit. I volunteered to help Nell.”

“How kind,” Lily said, ignoring the pleading look Nell was telegraphing her. “I understand you’ve only been in town a short time.”

“That’s right.”

Lily laid a hand on his arm. “Then you need to get better acquainted, and I have the perfect solution. Evan and I are hosting a barbecue Saturday night for family and some close friends. I dropped by the library to invite Nell, but this is even better. Of course you’ll come, too. All our guests will look forward to meeting Nell’s new friend.”

Nell couldn’t be sure, but it sounded as if Lily had put special emphasis on the word friend. She couldn’t stand by while her sister organized her life. “Lily, Brady may have other plans—”

She didn’t get out any more words before she heard Brady say, “Thank you, Lily. I’d like to come.”

Lily smiled triumphantly at Nell. “Well, that’s settled, then. Six o’clock.” Turning to Brady, she sprang her trap. “Since you’ll be coming with Nell, she can show you where we live.”

“Sounds great.” Brady handed Nell his page of the book list. “Guess I’d better get back to my research.” Smiling at Lily, he added, “Nice to have met you.”

He’d gone only a few steps when Lily grabbed Nell’s arm and purred sexily, “Do many of your customers look like that?”

Nell gritted her teeth. “Do I kill you now or later, sister dear?”

“Kill me? Unless I’m mistaken, which I’m not, I just did you a big favor.”

“I’ll tell you what I’ve already told Mother and Abby. Brady and I are just friends.”

Lily shot her an incredulous look. “Right.”

“It’s not like that.”

“But it certainly could be.” Lily faced her with that trust-me expression that set Nell’s nerves on edge. “So you’re just friends? Okay. I’ll buy that for now.”

“Good. He’s a grieving widower, Lily. I doubt he’s ready for what you have in mind.”

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry. But still, what’s the harm in bringing him to the barbecue?”

Trapped. “Nothing, I guess.” She swallowed her trepidations.

Eyeing her up and down, Lily said, “I’ll be calling you to set a time to go shopping for your new outfit. You’ll want to dazzle him.”

Lily quickly back-pedaled toward the door, giving her a ta-ta wave of the fingers. Nell was too angry to move. Hadn’t her sister understood a word she’d said?

A new outfit?

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d dazzled a man.

And she wasn’t about to start now.

WHEN BRADY RETURNED to his condo, the message light on his answering machine was blinking. He kicked off his shoes, padded to the refrigerator for a cold soda, then settled in the overstuffed chair staring at the offending light. It had to be Carl. Some crisis.

He swigged from the can, then rested his head against the back of the chair. He wished he could care. But he didn’t. What used to be as important to him as the air he breathed, now affected him not in the least. He’d always heard you weren’t supposed to make any major decisions within a year following a spouse’s death. But it had been months. Shouldn’t he be feeling something about his company? But pride, status, power—none of it meant a thing.

Hell, he’d worked up more energy about the idea slowly forming in his head to develop an upscale conference and resort center on Beaver Lake than he had about any of Carl’s importunings. It wasn’t about money, although he wasn’t so far gone that he didn’t want his money to work for him. It was about intangible rewards, permanence. Only with Brooke had he found that.

He closed his eyes and tried to bring her into focus—her long silky hair, her tanned shoulders, but the image kept shifting in his memory. Instead, he pictured the willowy body of Nell Porter topped by her heart-shaped face and big, knowing eyes, her arms cradling books protectively against her breasts.

The damn books. He’d been ill-prepared for the wave of nostalgia that had swept over him. Johnny Tremain. He’d suddenly remembered his mother’s animated voice reading to him. Remembered lying in bed listening, the words transforming him into a boy in Revolutionary War times. Then, after she closed the book, she tucked the covers around him and kissed him good-night. That was before…

He cursed under his breath. For years he’d pretty much been able to fend off such memories, feeding on his resentment and losing himself in work until forgetfulness became a habit.

What was Nell Porter doing to him anyway? Whatever it was felt way too much like pecking away at his armor. Yet he was drawn to her in ways that made no sense. All he knew was that he felt better when he was around her.

He sat up, drained the soda, punched the Play button on the machine and listened to Carl’s edgy voice fill him in on the latest emergency at L&S TechWare.

He should respond. Immediately. Regrettably, that wasn’t a priority.

NELL HAD GIVEN IN and gone shopping with Lily. Down deep, she valued her sister’s advice. Lily’s taste was impeccable. The floral print wraparound skirt and filmy lavender blouse were on sale and, as Lily insisted, were Nell’s “colors.” Nell had to admit she’d been flattered by the lift of Brady’s eyebrows when he picked her up Saturday evening.

Light from the fading sun filtered through the ancient oaks and dappled the manicured lawn as Nell led Brady to the back gate of Lily’s house. Stella, Evan’s mother and father, and several other couples were already there, clustered around the hors d’oeuvres table set up on the flagstone patio. In a far corner of the yard, Abby corralled Chase. Without consulting Nell, Lily had invited Abby to baby-sit with Chase and spend the night. The obviousness of her maneuver would be amusing if it wasn’t so darn uncomfortable. Nell disliked being the focus of Lily’s expectations.

“Here’s Nell.” Her mother broke away from the guests and came toward them, a fixed smile on her face. “And you must be Brady,” she said, extending her hand. “I’m Nell’s mother, Stella Janes.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Brady said. “Nell has made me feel most welcome in Arkansas.”

“I’m glad to hear my daughter represents the best of Southern hospitality.”

“You taught me well,” Nell murmured.

Stella tucked her arm through Brady’s. “Come meet Lily’s husband and the others.”

Trailing the pair, Nell sought to unfist her hands, aware of the tension riddling her. This was no big deal, yet she knew her family. They would make something out of nothing. She glanced across the yard and her heart sank. Oblivious to Chase tugging on her shorts, Abby was watching Brady’s progress to the patio with narrowed eyes and thinned lips.

Somehow Nell made it through the introductions, ignoring the questioning looks some of the women angled at Brady and her. From the cooler Brady picked out a beer and a soda. “Which would you prefer, Nell?”

Before she could answer, Lily slipped in between them. “My sister doesn’t drink.”

Nell winced. Would Brady pick up on the pointedness of the remark or was she simply overreacting?

Brady handed Nell the soda, then smiled at the two women. “I don’t either, except for an occasional beer.”

After Lily excused herself, Brady looked down at Nell, his eyes soft. “I like your family. Nice people.”

Nell tore her gaze from him and glanced around. “Yes. They are.” Then she noticed Abby sitting in a swing, holding Chase in her lap. The girl’s eyes were fixed everywhere but on Nell. “Brady, I’d like you to meet my daughter.” She started walking toward Abby, confident Brady was following. “Abby, this is—” When she turned to include him in the introduction, he wasn’t right behind her as she’d expected. He had stopped several feet away and his face had gone pale. “—Brady Logan,” Nell finished lamely.

As if shaking off a trance, he ran a hand through his hair and approached the swing set. “Hello,” he said in a husky voice.

Abby gave him a brief glance, then continued swinging. “’Lo.”

Nell stepped forward, took hold of the ropes and brought the swing to a stop. “Brady recently moved here from California,” she said in a voice full of a mind-your-manners undertone.

“I know.” Abby’s stony face had softened not one iota. “Grandma told me.”

Nell could only wonder what other tidbits Stella had seen fit to divulge. She turned helplessly to Brady. “And this is Chase, Lily’s son,” she said running a hand over the toddler’s curly hair.

“Hi, Chase.”

The boy ducked his head into Abby’s shirt. Abby continued to stare at her mother in sullen defiance.

“What grade are you in, Abby?”

Slowly Abby turned to Brady. “Eighth.”

Brady’s voice sounded strangled. “Hope you enjoy the year.”

Nell was missing something. It was as if Brady, usually confident and assured in social situations, had become a tongue-tied adolescent himself.

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