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Now say: «I release this pain. I choose calmness.» Observe how your body changes.
Why this works:
The mirror increases self-awareness. When we see our own tension, the brain gets a clear signal: «This is happening now, not in the past.» This helps break out of the «autopilot» of resentment.
Example:
Tatyana couldn’t forgive her friend for years for not coming to her mother’s funeral. During the mirror exercise, she saw her mouth tighten and the corners of her lips droop. She realized that lately, she had started to mimic the suffering expression of her mother’s face. Her resentment wasn’t so much towards her friend as it was towards herself – for not being able to save her mother.
How resentment affects thinking
When resentment lives in the body, it changes how the mind works:
Black-and-white thinking: «He is absolutely bad.»
Catastrophizing: «Everyone will betray me.»
Obsessive thoughts: «Why didn’t I say something then?..»
Why this happens:
Stress activates the amygdala (the brain’s fear center). It «blocks» the prefrontal cortex (logic and decision-making). That’s why, in the heat of resentment, we can’t think straight.
How to regain control:
In a moment of anger, ask: «What am I feeling in my body right now?»
Take 3 deep breaths and exhales.
Say: «This is an automatic reaction. This is not objective reality.»
Example:
Sergei would remember his mother abandoning him and his father every time his wife was late. He would start yelling: «You don’t respect me!» After mastering the «body-breath-phrase» technique, he understood: his anger wasn’t at his wife, but at the past. Now he says: «I miss your attention. Let’s discuss how we can handle this.»
Practical steps for this week:
Find the «address» of your resentment.
Every time you feel tension, ask: «Where is this sitting?» Write down your observations.
Breathe «into the pain.»
Practice the «4-7-8» technique at least twice a day, focusing on the area of tension.
Try the «Mirror of Emotions.»
Set aside 5 minutes to see how resentment is reflected in your face and posture.
You can make a deal with your body
Your body is your most honest friend. It doesn’t lie. If you feel pain – it’s real. But you can negotiate with it:
«I see you.»
«You were with me then to protect me.»
«Now I am safe. We can let this pain go.»
Forgiveness begins not in the head, but in the body. When you release physical tension, the mind is free to follow. You are not erasing memory. You are reclaiming your right to peace.
Try today to place your hand on your heart and say: «Thank you for trying to protect me. Now I can rest.» It’s a small step. But it changes everything.
Chapter 4: Three Myths About Forgiveness That Keep You Stuck
Imagine you’re standing at a door, and freedom awaits on the other side. But instead of reaching for the handle, your hand goes to a chain you put there yourself, convinced: «If I open this door, I’ll get hurt.» That chain is the myths about forgiveness. They are stronger than any bars because you believe in them. In this chapter, we will break the three most insidious myths. Not for the sake of theory. So you can finally take a step forward.
Myth 1: «To Forgive is to Be Weak»
«If I forgive, I’ll get hurt again. I’ll become a doormat!» – that’s what many think. But let’s break it down:
Weakness is living in fear. Being afraid to voice an opinion because «what if they hurt me?»
Strength is consciously letting go of what stops you from breathing freely.
A real-life example:
Dasha couldn’t forgive a colleague for years for stealing her idea. She thought: «If I stop being angry, he’ll think he can do it again.» But one day she noticed: because of this anger, she stayed silent when her boss offered her a new, promising project. «I was afraid it would be stolen again. But in reality, I stole this chance from myself.»
Why this myth is deceptive:
Forgiveness is not «I give you permission to hurt me.» It’s «I no longer give you power over my decisions.» You don’t become weaker. You stop being a hostage to the past.
How to check:
Ask yourself: «If I let go of this resentment, what will change in my actions?»
If the answer is: «I’ll be more open to new people,» «I’ll risk proposing my idea» – that’s strength.
If the answer is: «I’ll allow him to use me again» – that’s not forgiveness, it’s enabling. And those are different things.
Myth 2: «If I Forgive – He Wins»
«Let him suffer from guilt! I won’t give him that victory,» sounds heroic. But let’s face the truth:
You think your resentment is punishing the offender.
But he most likely doesn’t even know you’re still angry.
Who is really suffering? You.
A story that changes everything:
Andrei hadn’t spoken to his ex-girlfriend for 3 years. She moved to another city, started a family. He thought: «Let her know I haven’t forgiven her!» But one day he ran into her on the street. She smiled and asked: «Hi! How are you?» Andrei realized: she had long forgotten their conflict. And he had lived as her prisoner for 3 years.
Why this myth is dangerous:
When you cling to resentment to «not give them the win,» you hand the offender the key to your emotions. You are saying: «Your life is more important than mine.» But in reality:
His victory is if you continue to suffer.
Your victory is if you choose yourself.
Practice: «Whose Game Is This?»
Imagine the offender.
Ask yourself: «Is he thinking about me right now?»
If the answer is «no» – say: «I’m quitting this game. I have more important things to do.»
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