Llama Drama

My good friend, Shoo

Contents

Dedication

Chapter One - Meet the Llamas

Chapter Two - Meet the Star of the Show

Chapter Three - Surprise, Surprise

Chapter Four - Lewie No-Mates

Chapter Five - How to Win Friends, or Not

Chapter Six - Breakthrough at Last

Chapter Seven - Who’s the Most Popular Personality

Chapter Eight - The Show Must Go On

Chapter Nine - The End of the Show

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Copyright

About the Publisher

The star of the show!

The supporting cast!

But he wasn’t half as proud as Mama Llama.

Back at the farm, Mama Llama gazed fondly around the field at her large llama family. She stretched her long neck and twitched her nose with pleasure as she watched her two eldest sons, Leo and Lamar, neck-wrestling again.

“Those boys,” she said proudly to Papa Llama. “Always fighting.”

“Oh, yes,” Papa Llama agreed. “Llamas will be llamas.”

Especially the boys, he might have added. Especially now that Farmer Palmer was about to choose the best and bravest llama to guard his – also prize-winning –flock of sheep, Leo and Lamar were even more determined to prove themselves.

Of all their many children, Papa Llama thought those two were the finest examples. Everything a llama should be: loud, proud and intensely competitive. All the howling and yelping they were doing now was a sure sign those boys meant business.

Leo the Lionheart, as his mother liked to call him, was their eldest. He was a big, brave, dark brown llama and a born leader. At least, that’s what Leo often told himself.

Lamar was piebald grey, and even more handsome. As second eldest, Lamar had always stood in his brother’s shadow. But one of these days he was going to beat Leo and today might just be the day. After all, he was nearly as tall, with slightly longer legs – excellent for kicking. He was putting them to good use right now, trying to knock Leo off balance. As he lashed out, Lamar yelped loudly. If he was going to win, he wanted to make sure everyone in the field was watching.

But it was Leo who took Lamar by surprise, suddenly ramming him with his chest.

Lamar didn’t see that coming.

“Oofff!” he groaned as all the air burst out of him. He stepped back for a moment, slightly winded.

Their sister, Latisha, was standing nearby, watching the boys’ moves.

“Ram him back!” she yelled at Lamar. “Don’t just stand there like a stunned sheep.”

“Who are you calling a sheep?” Lamar yelled back.

“You, you big woolly jumper,” she replied.

And just then, while Lamar was still arguing with his sister, Leo aimed a huge jet of spit in his brother’s direction. It landed smack on top of Lamar’s head, completely flattening his carefully arranged hairstyle.

“Now look what you did!” Lamar yelled. “And after I just washed it!” Leo might be bigger, but Lamar was much more vain. “It wasn’t fair; I wasn’t even looking!”

But Leo was gone, already doing a lap of honour round the perimeter of the field.

“Who’s the greatest? I’m the greatest,” he chanted to himself as he trotted. “Who’s the loser? Lamar’s the loser!”

Leo lost no time in reminding everyone that he was still Top Llama. There was no doubt in his mind now that tomorrow Farmer Palmer would choose him to guard his sheep.

Oh, boy! Leo thanked his lucky stars he hadn’t been born a sheep. Sheep were so stupid and so jittery. Born cowards, in his opinion; sitting targets for any wily wolf or passing prairie dog – or cunning coyote. But that was why they needed a brave and strong llama to guard them – a llama like him.

Hanging out with a flock of silly sheep wasn’t exactly Leo’s idea of fun. But everyone knew it was the Top Job so, obviously, it had his name on it.

“I’ll soon lick them into shape,” he told himself. “I’ll bang a few woolly heads together, if I have to. They’ll quickly learn who’s boss.”

“Who’s the greatest? I’m the greatest,” Leo chanted again.

Lamar watched his brother showing off and it made him spitting mad. “That was all your fault,” he snapped at his sister, determined to blame someone. “If you hadn’t come butting in, I would have—”

“What? What would you have done?” Latisha snapped back. “You’re useless and you know it.

Even I could beat you.

Come on, you wanna try?”

Huh! Lamar could easily beat his sister. She was only a girl, after all, and younger than him by a couple of seasons. But if she were to win – oh, man, he would never hold his neck up high again. Even he had to admit, Latisha was one tough llama. It was possible, in a couple of years, that she might even beat her brothers and, oh, what a terrible day that would be!

No, Lamar couldn’t take that kind of risk. So he pretended he hadn’t heard his sister’s challenge and moved off, looking for a nearby fence post. He rubbed his head against it to clear the spit from his topknot and try to smarten himself up. Lamar might not have beaten Leo today, but he could still be the farmer’s new Guard Llama. After all, size wasn’t everything. He was more athletic than Leo. He had the legs. And looks were important too. Lamar had a much finer profile. Wasn’t that why Mama Llama had given him his second name: Lincoln?

“After the president, Abraham Lincoln,” she told him. “So distinguished.”

Lamar rubbed his topknot until it was standing tall, then he shook it so it fell over his eyes. A pretty cool look, in his opinion. Tomorrow, if he impressed Farmer Palmer, he could still turn out to be the winner.

Lamar trotted down to a corner of the field where his youngest sisters – and some of their attractive friends – hung out. Who cares about Leo? he asked himself, I’m certainly the girls’ favourite.

The young llamas crowded round him, batting their eyelashes and giggling. Lamar gave them a friendly nudge and a wink. Oh, yes, he had a way with females. When I’m Guard Llama, he thought, I’ll have that flock of silly sheep following me around. Just watch me.

“Tchhh,” Latisha tutted to herself and tossed her head. “Honestly!”

What a poser her brother was. And what an idiot. She could have neck-wrestled Lamar to the ground, no problem! Maybe not Leo yet, but give her a year or two... Her brothers didn’t impress her one little bit. But then Latisha had something neither of them had: an active brain.

There was no good reason why she shouldn’t be Farmer Palmer’s Guard Llama. Where did it say it couldn’t be a girl? she’d asked Mama Llama. Life was so unfair.

If Latisha were in charge of the llama world, things would run very differently. She would lay down some rules of her own… No spitting, for a start. It just wasn’t necessary in her view. The way Leo had done it so sneakily too, just when Lamar wasn’t looking.

Instead, there would be properly organised contests, real tests of strength and endurance. After that, the winner would have to take an intelligence test, which would rule out most of her family. Oh, they all liked to think they were clever, but none of them were in Latisha’s league.

But even Latisha had to admit that, compared to sheep, llamas were like the Einsteins of the animal world. In her opinion, sheep were really dumb. D-U-M-B, dumb. Dumb as…

Hmmm, now she thought more about it, Latisha had to ask herself, why? Why would anyone want to leave their own herd, to hang out with those woolly-brained mutts? All alone too! Llamas were social animals. They weren’t meant for a solitary life. No, she didn’t really want the job – she just wanted to beat her brothers!

Latisha looked for a quiet corner to make her plan, where she wouldn’t be distracted by the sight of that big-headed brother, Leo, still puffing himself up and acting like he’d already won. Or that idiot, Lamar, and his even more idiotic fan club.

“Tchhh,” she tutted again. Oh, why couldn’t they all be more like her? Latisha wondered.

Later that evening, when the family gathered together, Mama and Papa Llama nuzzled each other fondly. They congratulated themselves yet again on what a good job they’d done with their children.

Tomorrow was a big day for all of them. Whichever one Farmer Palmer chose – Leo, Lamar, or even Latisha – Mama and Papa Llama would be happy. They were glad to see that, for now at least, the three young llamas appeared to have put aside their quarrels. They were discussing what it might really mean, if they did get chosen.

“It’d mean leaving the family forever,” Lamar pointed out a little nervously.

“Just to babysit a load of brainless sheep,” grumbled Leo.

“Having to fight off any crafty coyotes out there, all on your own!” Latisha added.

But this thought again stirred up her brothers’ competitiveness.

“Pfff,” Leo huffed. “I feel sorry for any coyote crazy enough to come sniffing around my flock of sheep,” he bragged.

“Just one crazy coyote?” Lamar scoffed. “A whole pack of coyotes could attack my flock and they’d still be able to sleep like babies.”

“One llama? Against a whole pack!” said Latisha dismissively. “Tchhh! What planet are you on, brother? You’d need a plan, a strategy and, let’s face it, I’m the only one with the brains to deliver that.”

The llamas were soon bickering again, until their attention was drawn to a small crowd that had gathered round their other brother, Lewie, the next oldest male llama in the family. Lewie was showing off again!

“Oh, boy,” sniffed Leo.

“What an embarrassment,” hissed Lamar.

“Tchhh,” tutted Latisha.

Suddenly, the three were united once more. If there was one thing they could absolutely agree on it was this – tomorrow, when Farmer Palmer came to choose his new Guard Llama, the one he would definitely not be choosing was Loopy Lewie!

“Farmer Palmer!” everyone cried out, easily recognising the farmer’s waddling walk. Next he did the farmer’s kind but fussy wife, with her bobbing head and fast footsteps. Then their cute little daughter, Millie, skipping along, humming to herself... The llamas stamped their feet in appreciation, especially Liberty, Lewie’s twin sister. She was Lewie’s biggest fan.

“OK, who’s this?” Lewie asked, before launching into another instantly recognisable impression. This time he imitated his swaggering brother, puffing himself up and chanting, “Who’s the greatest?”

“Leo!” everyone shouted and cheered.

“And this?”

“Lamar!” They screamed with laughter when Lewie shook his topknot, pretending to be oh, so cool.

Even Latisha laughed… well… brayed actually. She always enjoyed seeing Lamar embarrassed. But she soon stopped laughing.

“How about this?” Lewie asked next. He shook his head and stuck his nose in the air, all the while tutting, “Tchhh! Tchhh! Tchhh! Honestly!”

“Latisha!” The llamas almost cried with laughter. They started copying Lewie’s impression, tutting at each other, their noses in the air.

“Not so funny now?” Lamar asked, enjoying the sight of his sister’s red face.

“More! More!” the llamas cried.

But Lewie quickly moved on to something new. He’d been practising and was keen to try it out on an audience.

“Watch this, everyone!” he said. “Watch me die.”

Lewie went into a long, slow, lingering death scene, where he pretended to have been shot. He began with a high, piercing scream and clutched his heart. Then, moaning and groaning, he fell on to his back legs… then his front legs gave way and he rolled heavily on to the ground. Just when everyone thought he’d completely expired, Lewie suddenly dragged himself to his feet. He staggered a few steps, still groaning, before crashing magnificently to the ground once more – lifeless at last.

Mama Llama gasped, convinced he must have broken every bone in his body. The other llamas held their breath. One or two of the younger ones genuinely thought he’d died and began to cry. So the surprise was even greater when Lewie leapt to his feet, totally unharmed, and shouted “Ta-daa!” before taking several bows.

“More! More! More!” the llamas brayed.

Mama Llama stamped her feet in appreciation too, but Papa Llama just shook his head, not exactly in despair, but something like it. He’d never known what to make of Lewie. The boy was a total mystery to his father.

Leo, Lamar and Latisha didn’t share their mama’s admiration either. They thought Lewie was a dis-as-ter. They’d always made fun of him, calling him Loopy Lewie and Lewie the Loser and, in Latisha’s case, Drama Llama. Not to mention other, even meaner, names at times.

Lewie was used to them ganging up on him. And he would be the first to admit that he was different. But he didn’t understand them any better than they understood him.

“Why would anyone want to fight?” he’d often asked Mama Llama. “Why would you try to hurt someone else?”

Mama Llama gently nuzzled Lewie’s neck. “That’s just how it is,” she told him. “That’s how we’ve always worked out who’s the strongest, who should be in charge. It’s called survival of the fittest, Lewie,” she explained.

But Lewie still didn’t get it. He point-blank refused to fight. Whenever he was challenged Lewie just walked away. It drove his brothers crazy.

“You are a coward and a disgrace,” Leo frequently told Lewie.

But Lewie didn’t care. He just wasn’t as competitive as his brothers. When they were younger and had played games, like dominoes or chess, Leo and Lamar always had to win. If they didn’t, they threw their pieces on the ground and trampled them, or tried to eat the board!

“It’s only a game,” he told his brothers.

“The trouble with you, Lewie,” they told him, “is that everything’s a game to you.”

What was wrong with that? Lewie wondered. Laughing, playing, having fun… Who wouldn’t choose those things over fighting?

It wasn’t that he didn’t care about anything, or want to be good at it. There were some things he was far better at than all the others put together. One was acting; another was making people laugh. Lewie would do almost anything to make people laugh. No matter how silly it made him look, he didn’t care. And that drove Lamar crazy too.

“You’re an insult to the whole Llama family,” he told Lewie, “an absolute embarrassment.”

Latisha agreed. After Lewie’s impressions of her, she was hopping mad. She contradicted herself, almost in the same breath, by telling him that he was an absolute joke and not in the least bit funny!

“No one takes you seriously,” she added.

“Who cares?” shrugged Lewie. He thought his brothers and Latisha took themselves far too seriously.

Lewie was now standing with his twin sister, Liberty, while the three others threw insults at him.

“You’re almost as bad as her,” Latisha told Lewie.

“You’re a disgrace,” Leo agreed. “Both of you.”

Lewie and Liberty didn’t try to argue back. They just rolled their eyes at each other and waited for the insults to end.

“At least we know the farmer won’t be choosing either of those two tomorrow,” Lamar said.

“Don’t make me yelp.” Leo honked with pretend laughter. “They couldn’t guard a pile of potatoes.”

“The Clown and the Disappearing Queen? I don’t think so,” agreed Latisha. “I just hope next time Her Majesty gets out they don’t bother bringing her back,” she added nastily.

“Come on, let’s go,” said Lewie. “We don’t have to listen to this rubbish.”

Lewie and Liberty ambled off together, trying to look as if it was all water off a llama’s back to them. But sometimes the insults did hit the mark and were harder to shrug off. Today felt like one of those days to Lewie.

Apart from Mama Llama, Liberty was the only member of his family that Lewie felt close to. Even though they were twins, and looked a lot like each other, they weren’t at all alike in other ways. Except that they were both odd ones out.

While nobody understood Lewie’s passion for acting, it was considered a pretty harmless pastime. Liberty’s wasn’t. Her passion got her into a lot more trouble, because Liberty liked to think of herself as an escape artist.

The smallest gap in the fence, the split second the gate was left unfastened, even the least likely opportunity, Liberty would turn into yet one more dash for freedom. She just couldn’t help herself. Her whole family despaired of her, not to mention the farmer.

Farmer Palmer had tried to increase the security round the field. As well as that, the llama family kept a constant watch on Liberty, but she continued to plan and execute the most unexpected and daring escapes. She really seemed unstoppable.

Lewie was curious about his twin sister. “Doesn’t it ever bother you,” he asked, “getting into so much trouble? And all the jokes about… you know… escaping?”

Liberty went on chewing grass perfectly happily. She shrugged and smiled at Lewie. “Of course it does. I’d like to be like everyone else,” she said. “Life would be a lot easier. But something drives me. I see a crack and I have to get through it. It’s just who I am, I guess.”

Lewie sighed heavily. It was still bothering him.

“Hey, we’re all different,” Liberty reminded him. “You’re a llama that makes everyone smile, and that’s not a small thing. You bring joy to others. It’s a gift, Lewie. You should be proud of it.”

At last Lewie felt cheered up by his sister’s words. Deep down he knew it was true. He started to sing and did a few more backflips. It wasn’t long before he was soon the centre of an admiring crowd again.

Mama and Papa Llama were watching. “You’ve got to love him,” Mama Llama told Papa Llama. “Everyone else does.”

There was no question that his father did love Lewie, but that didn’t stop him worrying about his son. “Everyone may love him, my dear, but does anyone take him seriously?”

“Of course not,” smiled Mama Llama, watching Lewie juggling with a pile of turnips. “Why would anyone want to? I mean, look at him.”

“But what if he were to get chosen tomorrow?” Papa Llama asked, genuinely anxious. “Lewie couldn’t look after himself, never mind a whole flock of sheep. Not to mention all those new lambs due any day now,” he added.

Hmmm, the lambs were a consideration, but Mama Llama suggested that maybe it was exactly what Lewie needed, to make him grow up.

Papa Llama shook his head. “And have you forgotten who he’d be taking over from?” he asked gravely.

The farmer’s previous Guard Llama, Livingstone, had been Papa Llama’s great uncle. He had recently retired to a refuge that sounded like llama heaven and it was well deserved.

Livingstone had been an almost mythological figure who’d seen off more coyotes than any other llama in history. A bigger, braver, bolder, scarier llama neither of them could imagine. He was so fierce and battle-scarred that on the farm he’d been given the nickname of The Terminator.

“Those are awfully big footsteps for any llama to fill,” said Papa Llama, “and I’m afraid to say, of all our children, Lewie would be the least likely to fill them.”

Mama Llama nuzzled Papa Llama and whispered, “Look at him.” Lewie was now performing a new dance that looked like a llama version of the cancan. “Do you really think our Lewie is going to be chosen tomorrow? Seriously? Don’t worry yourself, my dear.”

But Papa Llama still wasn’t completely reassured. He was getting old and, in his long experience, life was full of strange and inexplicable happenings. He just prayed that this wouldn’t turn out to be one of them.

“Hoi, there, Leo. Looking good, Lamar! Mornin’, Mama Llama. How’s Papa doing this morning?” One by one he had a word for them all. “Now then, Latisha, looks like someone got out of bed on the wrong side.”

“Tchhh!” she tutted as soon as he walked on.

The farmer always made a point of teasing Latisha, which she secretly loved, but liked to pretend she didn’t.

“Oh, my! Glad to see you’re still here, Liberty. You look happy, as usual, Lewie.”

As he toured the field of llamas, Farmer Palmer was followed by his youngest daughter, Millie, who was almost six years old. Millie was followed by her puppy, Pepsi, and her pet duck, Delilah.

After Farmer Palmer had checked out all his llamas, he gave them new feed and water. Then he turned his attention to the job at hand.