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I liked this Mom better.
Bitter-tasting guilt swallowed me up in one gulp, and I lowered my spoon. It was terrible thinking that, but it was true. This Mom made dinner when she could and asked about school. She joked around and spent the evenings eating ice cream on the couch with me while watching Dance Moms or The Walking Dead. The old Mom was always at dinners with Dad, and when she was home, so was he, so she was with him.
The old Mom had been all about Dad, every second of every day.
Now the grin had faded from her face, and I wondered if she was thinking about Dad, thinking about her life when she wasn’t an insurance agent living paycheck to paycheck, didn’t spend the nights alone.
My spoon clanged off the bowl. “You okay, Mom?”
“What?” She blinked a couple of times. “Yes. Of course. I’m fine. Why do you ask?”
I studied her for a few seconds, unsure if I should believe her. Mom looked okay—looked like she did yesterday and the day before—but there were faint lines around the corners of her mouth and eyes. Her brow creased where it hadn’t before, and her eyes, the same hazel as mine but more green, appeared haunted. “You looked sad.”
“Not sad. Just thinking about things.” Clasping the back of my neck, she bent down and kissed my forehead. “I won’t be home until late tonight, but I will be home for dinner tomorrow. Thinking about making spaghetti.”
“And meatballs?” I asked, hopeful for those homemade balls of grease and goodness.
She pulled back, wiggling her brows. “Only if you do the laundry. There’s a pile of towels that need your love and attention.”
“Done.” I hopped up out of my seat to take my bowl and spoon to the sink. I rinsed them out and placed them on the counter above the broken dishwasher. “Anything else you need me to do?”
“Hmm.” She headed into the living room, slinging her purse over her shoulder. “Clean the bathrooms?”
“Now you’re taking advantage of my kind offer.”
Mom grinned back at me. “Just do the towels and you’ll get meatballs.”
I was way too excited about those meatballs.
“And I’ll pick you up low-fat Pop-Tarts,” she added.
“You do that and I will never speak to you again!”
She laughed as she grabbed her gray blazer from the banister. “You kind of have to talk to me. I’m your mom. You can’t escape me.”
“I will find a way to escape if you walk through these doors with low-fat Pop-Tarts.”
She laughed while opening the front door. “Okay, okay. They’ll be full of all the sugar and fat you can want. See you tonight.”
“Love you.” I moved to close the door, but I leaned against the frame, watching her teeter down the driveway in heels.
Chewing on my lower lip, I shifted my weight, trying to work out the weird unease stirring in the pit of my stomach. Mom said she was fine, but I knew she wasn’t. She might never be, because, deep down, even though she was right here, her heart was still chasing after Dad.
* * *
I kept my head in the game during the different drills we had to do and while we practiced techniques, which meant I didn’t get a Coach Rogers lecture afterward. I left practice feeling a million times better than I did on Friday.
At home, I washed off the layer of sweat and then ate a lunch of microwavable bacon and another round of cereal. I was walking into the living room just as my phone rang on the coffee table. I groaned when I saw who it was. I sent the call to voice mail without hesitation, picked up the remote and settled on the ID channel.
With the Dangerous Women marathon playing in the background, I sat back on the couch and picked up my book. I’d finished the first one in a series last night and had made it through only the first couple of chapters of the second, but I couldn’t wait to fall back into the world of the Night Court and High Fae.
And Rhysand.
Couldn’t forget about him.
I curled up on the corner of the couch about to get my reading on, when there was a knock on the door. For a minute I considered ignoring it and getting lost in the pages of the book, but when there was another knock, I sighed, got up and made my way to the front door. I peered out the window and my stomach dropped all the way to my toes when I saw who was there.
Sebastian.
Unable to fight the stupid grin spreading across my face, I opened the door. “Hey.”
“You busy?” He placed one hand on the doorframe and leaned in. The movement caused the old, faded gray shirt to stretch across his biceps in a way that drew my gaze.
“Not really.” I stepped back to let him in, but he stayed at the door.
“Perfect. I was going to head out to the lake and get my car dirty as hell. You game?” He winked, and dammit all to hell, he actually looked good doing it. “It’ll be fun.”
I’d forgotten about his badminton win. “Sure. Let me get my keys.” I toed on a pair of old sneakers and grabbed my phone and bag before following Sebastian outside. “What are you planning to do?”
“You know the dusty roads leading out to the lake area?” he asked. “Figured that should do enough damage.”
I got in the passenger side as he got behind the wheel. “Not sure how I’m supposed to help.”
He shrugged with one shoulder as he turned the key. “Just wanted your company.”
My stomach fluttered, and I sat back, buckling myself in as I desperately ignored the feeling. Bright sunlight streamed through the windshield. Sebastian reached behind him, snagging his baseball cap off the floor, and pulled it on, tugging the bill down low, and I...I sighed.
I couldn’t help it.
Boys in baseball caps were my weakness, and Sebastian rocked the look. Something about that old, worn cap showcased the chiseled line of his jaw.
Ugh.
I closed my eyes and told myself to stop looking at him. Just in general. Maybe for the rest of my life? Or at least for the next year or so. That sounded like a valid plan.
I really needed to get a grip.
I rolled my eyes and turned down the radio for a distraction. “I haven’t been to the lake since Keith attempted to make water skis out of snow skis.”
Sebastian laughed deeply. “God, when was that? In July? Seems like forever ago.”
“Yeah.” I sat back, fiddling with the hem on my shirt. “It was right before you left for North Carolina.”
“Can’t believe you haven’t headed out there since. Is it because going to the lake is only fun when I’m with you?” he teased, reaching over to flick my arm. “You know, you can just admit it.”
“Yeah. That’s exactly it.” I knocked his hand away and crossed my ankles. “The girls aren’t huge fans of the lake.” That wasn’t a lie at least. “So do you think Megan and Phillip are going to get back together?”
“God only knows. Probably. Then they’ll break up again. Then get back together.” He grinned. “I know he wants to get back with her. He’s pretty open about that.”
“That’s cool,” I murmured.
He quirked a brow at me.
“Most guys don’t want to admit stuff like that to their dude friends,” I reasoned.
“And you’d know this because you’re a guy?”
“Yes. I’m secretly a guy.”
Sebastian ignored me. “I think when most guys are really into a girl, they don’t care who knows. They’re not ashamed of it.”
I was going to have to take his word on it.
The lake was about twenty minutes outside town, near Keith’s family farm, after a series of gravel and dirt roads. From what I knew, it was actually on the outskirts of Keith’s family property, and his family owned it. But they didn’t really police it, so people could use it however they saw fit.
Sebastian turned onto the private access road. The wheels bumped over the uneven terrain and dust plumed into the air, coating the Jeep within moments. “Keith is going to be so ticked at you.” I laughed as I peered out the window. “But he’d totally do the same thing.”
“Hell, he would’ve taken his car mud-bogging and then brought it to me. I don’t feel bad at all.”
After hitting every barely accessible road for about an hour, my butt hurt and the Jeep was completely unrecognizable. I figured we’d start heading back, but then I caught a glimpse of the lake through the trees.
Yearning sparked in my chest. I thought about going home to the empty, quiet house that sometimes reminded me of a set of bones that had no skin or muscle. It was just an outline of a home. No filler.
Guilt churned my stomach. The house did have filler. It had my mom, and my sister when she was home, and my mom did everything and more to make it a home...but sometimes there was no denying what was missing.
Mom lived a... She lived a half life.
She worked all the time, came home, worked some more, ate dinner and went to sleep. Rinse and repeat the next day. That was her half life.
“Can we stay for a little while?” I asked, shoving my hands between my knees. “Or do you have somewhere to be?”
“Nope. Got nothing else to do. Let me hit these roads a couple of more times, and we’ll head down to the dock.”
“Awesome,” I murmured.
I stayed quiet as Sebastian drove down a few more roads before he pulled off on the shoulder, by some bushes. I unbuckled my seat belt.
“Stay put for a second,” he said before I could open the door.
I watched him with raised brows as he hopped out and jogged around the front of the Jeep. He opened my door and bowed with flourish. “Milady.”
I snort-laughed. “Seriously?”
He extended a hand toward me. “I’m a gentleman.”
I took his hand and let him help me out of the Jeep. I started to hop down when his other hand landed on my hip. Surprised by the contact, I jerked forward and my foot slipped on the wet grass.
Sebastian caught me, his hand sliding off my hip and wrapping around my waist. He drew me to him, against his chest. Air punched out of my lungs at the unexpected move. Our bodies were sealed together.
My throat dried instantly as I slowly lifted my head. I couldn’t see his eyes, since they were hidden behind the bill of the cap. My heart was pounding so fast I wondered if he could feel it.
We were that close.
“Having trouble?” He laughed, but something sounded off about it. It was deeper than normal, and his laugh sent a series of tight shivers down my spine. “I don’t know if I can trust you to walk to the docks.”
“Oh, come on.” I started to step back, needing the space before I did something incredibly stupid, like, say, stretching up, grabbing his cheeks and bringing his mouth to mine.
Then Sebastian smiled. It was his only warning.
He dipped slightly, hooked his arm behind my knees, and a second later I was up in the air, my stomach folding over his shoulders. His arm clamped down over my hips, holding me in place.
Shrieking, I grabbed the back of his shirt. “What are you doing?”
“Helping you get to the docks.”
“Oh my God!” I yelled, clasping the back of his shirt. My hair fell forward like a thick curtain. “I can walk on my own!”
He pivoted around and started walking. “I don’t know about that.”
“Sebastian!”
“If you were to fall and get hurt, I would never forgive myself.” He stepped over a fallen tree limb. “And then your mom would be upset with me. Your sister would have to come home, and she actually scares me.”
“What?” I shrieked, smacking his back with my fist. “Why does Lori scare you?”
He picked up his pace, taking long, unnecessary steps that caused me to bounce. “She’s intense. Her glare alone can shrivel up parts of me I prefer not to be shriveled.”
I lifted my head. I could barely see the Jeep anymore. I slammed my fist into his kidney, causing him to grunt, and he returned the gesture by putting an extra little hop in his step.
“That wasn’t nice.”
“I’m going to physically hurt you.”
“You’d do no such thing.”
Shade gave way to sunlight and the rocky dirt and broken twigs turned to grass. The scent of wet soil grew stronger. “You can put me down now.”
“Just one more second.”
“What—”
Suddenly he threw his other arm out and spun around as he belted out, “I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky—”
“Oh my God!” A laugh burst out of me even though there was a good chance I was going to puke all over his back.
“I think about it night and day!”
“You’re so stupid!” I choked out another laugh. “What is wrong with you?”
“Spread my wings and something, something away!” He stopped suddenly, and I slid off his shoulder. With impressive ease, he caught me, pulling me down the front—the entire front—of his body.
I wobbled backward and plopped down in the plush grass, planting my hands in the warm blades. “You...you are not right.”
“I think I’m pretty amazing.” He dropped down beside me. “Not everyone gets to hear my hidden talent.”
“Talent?” I gasped, looking over at him. “You sounded like a polar bear getting murdered.”
He threw his head back and laughed so hard his baseball cap fell off. “You’re just jealous you don’t have the voice of an angel.”
“You’re delusional!” I swung my arm out.
He was wicked fast, catching my wrist effortlessly. “No hitting. Jesus. You’re like a five-year-old.”
“I’ll show you a five-year-old!” I tried to yank my arm free, but he pulled forward at the same time, and I was off balance. Somehow, and I don’t know and would never understand how, I ended up half on top of him, half on the grass. My legs tangled with his, I was nearly in his lap, and we were eye to eye.
Except he wasn’t staring at my eyes.
At least it didn’t seem that way. It felt like his gaze was focused on my mouth, and my stomach hollowed. Time seemed to stop and I became aware of every part of him that was touching me. His arm still circled around my waist, and his hard thigh pressed against mine. His thin shirt was under my palm, and I felt his hard chest under that.
“I’m delusional?” he asked, voice raspy.
I shivered. “Yes.”
He lifted his hand, and I held my breath as he caught the hair in my face and carefully, so gently, brushed it back from my face. He left his hand curled around the nape of my neck.
Seconds passed, only a few heartbeats, and he made a sound I’d never heard before. It was raspy and low and seemed to come from deep within him. And I was moving without thinking, lowering my head, my mouth...
And I kissed Sebastian.
CHAPTER SIX
The kiss was so light, like a whisper against the lips, I almost didn’t believe it had happened, but it had, and his arm was still around me, his hand still on the nape of my neck, tugging on the strands of my hair.
His mouth was still close to mine, so close I could feel every breath he took against my lips, and I wasn’t sure I was breathing, but my pulse was thrumming wildly. I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted him to kiss me back. That was all I ever wanted. But surprise held me immobile.
Sebastian’s head tilted to the side and his nose brushed mine, and I knew I was breathing then, because I sucked in a shallow breath. Was he going to kiss me? Harder this time? Deeper?
He suddenly jerked his head back, and before I knew what was happening, I was on my butt, in the grass beside him. We weren’t touching anymore. I started to speak, to say what, I don’t know. My brain had completely stopped working.
And then it struck me—what had happened.
Sebastian hadn’t kissed me.
I kissed him.
I kissed him and...and for the tiniest moment in the history of all histories...I thought he was going to kiss me back. That was how it felt.
But he hadn’t.
He’d dumped me onto the grass beside him.
Oh my God, what had I done?
My heart lodged somewhere in my throat as a thousand thoughts rushed through me all at once. I opened my mouth even though I had no idea what to say.
Sebastian jumped to his feet, his face pale and jaw hard. “Hell. I’m sorry.”
I snapped my mouth shut. Had he just apologized for me kissing him?
He swiped his hat off the ground and pulled it down on his head. He wasn’t looking at me as he took a step back. “That wasn’t—It wasn’t supposed to happen, right?”
Slowly, I lifted my gaze to his. Was he seriously asking me that? I had no answer, because it wasn’t like my lips had slipped and fallen on his. Drawing in a shallow, burning breath, I focused on the bright green grass. My fingers curled into the blades as his words sank in.
A sharp slice of pain lit up the center of my chest, flowing into my stomach like a thick oil spill, coating my insides.
“I, uh, I forgot I’m supposed to meet up with Coach before dinner,” he said, turning sideways. “We’ve got to head back.”
That was a lie.
It had to be.
He wanted to escape. I wasn’t stupid, but damn, that hurt, because I couldn’t remember a time when he’d ever wanted to run away from me.
The pain in my chest moved up my throat, choking me. A prickly heat hit my face as deep-rooted embarrassment welled up.
Oh God.
I was going to face-plant in the lake and just let myself sink under.
Numbly, I pushed to my feet and wiped the grass off my shorts. We didn’t speak on the way back to the Jeep, and oh God, I wanted to cry. The back of my throat burned. My eyes stung. It took all my willpower not to break down right there, and my heart ached in a way that was far too real for it not to have cracked open.
Once inside, I buckled myself in and focused on taking deep, even breaths. I just needed to hold it together until I got home. That was all I needed to do. Once I got there, I could curl up in bed and sob like an angry baby.
Sebastian turned the Jeep on and the engine rumbled to life. The radio kicked in, a low hum of words I couldn’t make out.
“We’re...we’re okay, right?” he asked, his voice strained.
“Yeah,” I said hoarsely, and cleared my throat. “Of course.”
Sebastian didn’t respond, and for a few seconds I could feel his gaze on me. I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t, because there was a good chance I would start crying.
He shifted the Jeep into Drive and pulled off onto the road.
What in the world had I been thinking? Never once had I acted on anything I felt for Sebastian. For the most part, I played it cool. But now I’d kissed him.
I wanted to rewind time.
I wanted to rewind time to feel those brief seconds again because I was never going to get the chance to feel that again.
I wanted to rewind time and not kiss him, because it had been a big, huge mistake.
I knew that our friendship, our relationship, would never be the same.
* * *
By Wednesday morning, my temples ached and my eyes hurt, but I actually hadn’t cried yet. I thought I would, especially when I’d barely been able to force down the bread-and-onion-filled meatballs at dinner last night. Mom had noticed, but I sidestepped her questions by saying I wasn’t feeling well after the early practice in the morning. Later I couldn’t even read. I just lay in bed, curled on my side, and stared at the balcony doors, pathetically waiting for him to show up, for him to text—for something. Anything. And there was nothing.
Normally that wouldn’t have been a big deal. We didn’t talk every day during the summer. But after what had happened at the lake? It was different.
The burning in my throat and the stinging in my eyes were there, but the tears never fell. Sometime in the middle of the night, I realized I hadn’t cried since...since everything with Dad. Somehow that made me want to cry even more. Why couldn’t I let myself cry?
All I managed to do was give myself one hell of a headache.
Thank God I didn’t have practice on Thursday, because I would’ve ended up with another well-deserved lecture. After Mom left, I crawled back in bed and stared at the cracked ceiling, replaying everything from the lake, right up to the moment things went south.
The moment I kissed Sebastian.
Part of me wanted to just pretend it didn’t happen. That had worked before.
I still pretended my Dad didn’t exist.
But when I woke up on Thursday morning after no late-night visits from Sebastian and no missed texts, I knew I had to talk to someone. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle this, and it wasn’t likely to suddenly come to me. So I’d texted the girls that morning, saying I needed to talk to them. I knew they’d understand the urgency when they saw I didn’t give a reason.
Abbi and Megan came as soon as they could, and I knew Dary would’ve, too, if she’d been in town.
Megan sat on my bed, her long legs tucked under her and her blond hair loose, falling over her shoulders. Abbi was in my computer chair, looking like me—like she just rolled out of bed and grabbed a pair of oversize sweats and a tank top.
I’d already given them the rundown of what had happened, assisted by the package of Oreos Megan had brought along. I may have eaten three or five while I talked. Okay, ten. Even so, I was still planning on murdering the leftover spaghetti and meatballs after they left.
“I just want to say, I’ve always known you had a crush on Sebastian,” Megan announced.
I opened my mouth, not sure how her weekly lecture about finding my future baby daddy could have anything to do with me having a crush on Sebastian.
Megan continued, “Since I’ve suspected you’ve had a huge obsession with him for a while now, I kept giving you my weekly lecture in hopes you’d admit it.”
I did not understand her thought process. At all.
“Obviously, I guessed it, too,” Abbi said. “I mean, the last we talked, I even said something.”
“It’s no big surprise you broke up with Andre,” Megan added. “You wanted to really, really like Andre, but you couldn’t, because you really, really like Sebastian.”
True. I had wanted to really like Andre, and I had liked him. It just... My heart wasn’t there, and it was probably the dumbest reason ever for sleeping with him, but I thought that if we took our relationship to the next level, then maybe it would change how I felt. It hadn’t and that had been the wake-up call to end the relationship.
I started walking back and forth in front of the closet. “Why didn’t you guys say something if it was that obvious?”
“Figured you didn’t want to talk about it,” Megan said with a shrug.
Abbi nodded. “You don’t like to talk about anything, really.”
I wanted to deny that, but...it was true. So damn true. I was the same way with Sebastian. I was a listener, not a talker. I could spend hours thinking about something but never giving voice to any of the thoughts.
“But let’s move past that for now. I’m so confused,” Megan said. “You said he made this noise—and I know what kind of noise you’re talking about. And that he held you. Kind of sounds like he was into it.”
My hands opened and closed at my sides. Full of restlessness, I continued to pace in front of my bed. “I don’t get it either. I mean, I really don’t know what I was thinking. Everything was fine. He was being his normal self and we were fooling around—”
“Fooling around?” Megan asked, and when I shot her a look, she threw up her hands. “Look, I’m just trying to make sure I have the full picture here.”
“Not the way you’re thinking,” I replied, rubbing my temples. “I went to hit him on the arm, you know, just being stupid, and he caught my wrist. The next thing I knew, I was in his lap and we were...just staring at one another.”
“And that’s when you kissed him?” Abbi crossed her legs. “Just one kiss?”
Covering my face with my hands, I nodded. “It was just a quick kiss on the lips. I’m not sure you could even consider it a kiss, really.”