Your Daughter

• Ensure she has an appropriate place to work – and, yes, curled up on the sofa with the television on in the background may be fine for some work, as may an MP3 player.

• Ensure she has some time each evening to relax, and time during the week for other activities apart from homework.

• Show an interest and offer to help if she wants you to.

• Don’t insist on checking her work and giving unasked-for advice on improving it.

• Don’t do it for her. If she’s really struggling, it’s better to discuss with her when she can see the relevant teacher, preferably before the deadline to hand it in.

Be particularly careful with work for public examinations. Exam boards will penalise a candidate severely if they think the work is not their own.

Try to prevent homework becoming a battleground, as this might ultimately harm the relationship between you and your daughter. If you find that your daughter really isn’t coping with homework, then talk to the school. As much as you, they want her to be able to achieve her best, and homework is an integral part of that.

Thoughts from a Head — stop bashing parents . . .

Being a parent has to be the hardest job in the world. A Head Teacher was struck by a comment from a parent who pointed out that when you are at work, you have regular feedback about the job you’re doing — a review with a line manager, a pat on the back for a task well done, even a bonus in the good old days. But a parent gets very little in terms of positive reinforcement, and listening to the news can suggest that all of society’s ills can be laid at the parents’ door.

While it can be the hardest job in the world, it can also be one of the most joyful and rewarding. Parenting can certainly be made easier if schools and parents work together in the best interests of the children, and this is something at which many schools are adept.

It is the dual responsibility of parents and schools to ensure that children are properly prepared for life, encouraged to achieve their best inside the classroom and outside it and taught to develop a healthy sense of social responsibility. This will involve instilling in young people a conviction that they should do the right thing because it is the right thing, rather than in hope of reward or out of fear of punishment. We want our children to aim for a life well lived, involving sensitivity to and care for others (rather than a pure focus on self), speaking out against bullying in all its forms and showing disapproval of blatant injustice or prejudice.

There are many ways in which schools and parents can work in concert to ensure that the children at the heart of this relationship receive the support and guidance they need to be their best, during their years at school and in their lives beyond. Good schools and responsible parents provide young people with a secure framework within which to make their own choices and decisions, as well as their own mistakes. We know we cannot live children’s lives for them. We cannot prevent them from occasionally getting it wrong, and it can be disheartening for parents to see their children making the same mistakes that they themselves made. But these are their mistakes to make, painful though that might be, and a loving parent has to help their offspring deal with the disappointment of such experiences and move forward. Parents cannot be held responsible for the unwise choices their children may sometimes make.

A school governor suggested that, in a sense, we erect scaffolding around our children, but, as they grow older, we need to begin to dismantle it. By the time they are 18 and about to leave home for university or join the world of work, they should be standing tall and secure without the degree of structured support they may have needed when they were younger. They may find that they are now living independently and caring for themselves without parents on hand and without the monitoring and guidance they will have received at school. They will need to be sufficiently organised, motivated and self-disciplined so that they can pace their work and get the balance right. Some may be tempted to work too hard; more will be tempted not to work hard enough. By this stage, schools and parents together should have equipped them with the skills they will need not only to survive, but also to flourish in their new state of independence.

So how can we work together to provide the framework and to give the girls and boys in our schools the tools they need to do the job? Firstly, we need recognition that education, in its widest sense, is the job of all of us. It is naive and misleading to suggest that schools educate academically and parents instil moral values. It is impossible to see education in a narrow sense as somehow divorced from moral values. Schools and parents need to work together to ensure these young people live well, achieving their best within the classroom and outside it and developing a healthy sense of social responsibility.

Secondly, parents need to ensure that their children are able to take responsibility, including for those things they get wrong. If your son or daughter is in trouble at school, leaping to their defence isn’t necessarily in their best interests, however comforting it might feel. If a child has made an unwise choice, working with the school to give clear messages and to ensure that your son or daughter knows where the parameters are (and which boundaries they have crossed) will help them far more than being ‘in their corner’. With a truculent teenager at home, it seems like too good an opportunity to miss being on their side against the perceived common enemy at school. A Deputy Head reported an incident of dealing with a girl who was suspected of being responsible for writing graffiti in a school toilet. The father waded in, outraged that his daughter would ever be accused of doing such a thing. It took the wind out of his sails somewhat when the Deputy Head told him that she had openly admitted she had done it before he arrived.

Returning to the comment of the parent who yearned for positive feedback on her parenting, this is something that Heads quite frequently offer. When we sit down together to discuss a particular issue, especially if the parent is trying to set boundaries and meeting resistance, Heads will quite often say, ‘You are doing the right things.’ It is important to tell parents not to apologise for caring about and worrying about their children, even when this occasionally makes them overly passionate. Parents are encouraged to be strong, to appreciate that, despite the resistance, children do want and need boundaries, as boundaries reassure them that they are loved. And, of great importance — Heads try very hard not to bash the parents. We are all on the same side — which is, of course, the children’s.

Family Q&A

Fraught families – keep talking . . .

Q: My 12-year-old daughter had a terrible row with my mother-in-law (her grandmother) a month ago and said some terrible things, calling her names, etc. She is going through a bad time: her father and I have recently separated and she had some friendship issues at school. Her grandmother now doesn’t want anything to do with her and has written a letter criticising my parenting. What should I do — just let the dust settle or write back?

A: It’s important to keep communicating, even when relationships are not going smoothly. Try writing to your mother-in-law, apologising on behalf of your daughter and explaining how difficult she is finding your recent separation. Then you could say how sorry you are that she doesn’t want to see her granddaughter at the moment. Emphasise the importance of a grandparent’s role, particularly when parents are separating, and remind her of how awkward teenagers can be, even at the best of times. Finally, state that, of course, you will respect her wishes but will welcome her back when she feels the time is right, wishing her well in the meantime.

Q: My partner and I are going through a difficult patch but are trying to protect our daughter from any effects of our dispute. Is this possible?

A: Parents’ individual problems can influence the dynamic within a family, and a child can often ‘act out’ when the conflict gets too much. So, for example, it is often the case that younger siblings will mimic parents’ arguments, using the same language and tone of voice, and often will be physically aggressive with one another to express their frustrations. Your older daughter may start to develop faddy eating habits or perhaps begin to self-harm. All these are examples of ways in which children will aim to divert attention away from the arguing parents and instead become the focus of the attention themselves. Teenagers will often do this subconsciously as a way of ensuring that their parents will have to come together, even if only to talk about the troubled teenager.

Do not underestimate the effect of what you do as parents and how this can impact upon your daughter and your other children. Children are very sensitive to arguments, and they pick up on conflict in relationships and may act this out within their play or with their friends. For example, if your daughter starts having complex friendship issues with her school friends, perhaps think of what could be happening at home that is upsetting and unsettling her.

Above all, keep the lines of communication open both with your children and with each other, and don’t be afraid to turn to external sources for help. There are some listed in the back of this book.

Q: How do I keep the channels of communication open without my daughter thinking I am neurotic?

A: It is important that your daughter knows how to communicate with you and for you to know the best ways in which to communicate with her. Talk to your daughter about what she would prefer — whether you should check in with her in person, by phone or by text. Try to do it in an unobtrusive way, but remind her that you are checking up on her as you are concerned about her personal wellbeing and safety. It may also be useful to have the mobile phone numbers of some of her friends so you can drop them a brief text if you are unable to get hold of your daughter. However, be careful only to use these numbers in an emergency.

Q: Why is my daughter always so horrible to me, yet can wrap her father around her little finger?

A: The relationship between mothers and daughters is probably both the most fruitful and the most fraught there is. The daughter often overidentifies with the mother and feelings of hate and love are frequently intertwined. The mother is fully aware of the perils and pitfalls that may occur during her daughter’s teenage years and she feels deeply protective of her. A father, on the other hand, sees his beautiful daughter emerging and is charmed by her. Both parents (whether living together or apart) should agree ground rules for their daughter (and, of course, other children) and stick to them. Giving a daughter a consistent message and setting realistic boundaries is vital and she will thank her parents for it.

Q: How do I handle my daughter’s mood swings?

A: Show an interest in your daughter’s schooling, friends and hobbies, but not to the extent of smothering her. Communication is vital; spend time listening to her and try to be flexible over some things and aim to avoid confrontation. If she continues to shout and rant and rave, try not to shout back; remember, you are the adult in the situation, even if your daughter knows how to push all your buttons. Walk away if you can and try to restart the conversation when you are both calm. Try to think of teenage tantrums in the same way as toddler tantrums, as this may make it easier.

Q: What boundaries should I set for my daughters regarding curfew/time to be home at night?

A: Teenagers need boundaries. They may not like being told to be home by a certain time, but as responsible parents you are showing that you care, and ultimately your teenager will value this and feel secure. Agree a time and then ask her to text you so that you know she is on her way home. This is less intrusive than a phone call, but can be equally reassuring. If your daughter is travelling by public transport, ensure that she is with others, even if this means a couple of additional teenagers staying over for the night. Alternatively, agree where and when you will collect her, and make sure that you are always there on time. Try to ensure that you are discreet when you pick her up. Don’t cross-examine her about her evening; wait and allow her to tell you what she has been up to. If possible, it is helpful to do a rota with some of your daughter’s friends’ parents, as this takes the pressure away from you.

Q: How do I know if I should trust my daughter when she tells me where and who she is going out with?

A: You have to build a relationship of trust and mutual respect. You need to be aware that trust has as much to do with your relationship with your daughter as it does with her behaviour. When extending trust, you need to make it clear that when giving it, you require the truth. Your daughter needs to know for certain that you can survive the truth — even if it is occasionally ugly — and that so can she. Talking to her regularly about concerns regarding school work, friends, social situations and potential pitfalls lets your daughter know where you stand and why. All relationships in life are predicated on trust and honesty. Your daughter needs to know that actions have consequences, but if she is honest, your relationship will survive.

Q: How do I respond when my daughter tells me the ‘ugly truth’?

A: If your daughter has the guts to tell you at the age of 13 that, for example, she got drunk at a party, the fact she has told you means that she has been frightened by this and is asking for your support to help her make better decisions. It may not feel like this at the time, but if you severely punish her, then why would she continue to confide in you? You need to help your daughter move on from unfortunate incidents and ensure that she knows how to be safe and secure the next time. It isn’t easy; but if you keep the doors of communication open, she will confide in you. Always remember that you are instilling in your daughter a moral code for her future. If your daughter tells you that she thinks she may be pregnant, take a deep breath and remember that she has told you because she wants you to help her. Take her to the doctor and try to support her through the situation.

Friends

Girls’ friendships can be lifelong and your daughter is likely to need your help and guidance as she acquires the skills necessary to form healthy friendships. She may have to deal with bullies or with over-intense relationships, with jealousy, rivalry and perhaps betrayal. As she grows up her peer group will become increasingly influential and you will want to help her maintain her personal integrity while integrating with her group. Your daughter’s friendships will shape her identity, affirm her sense of worth and will also affect the sort of young woman she grows into. But they are also the source of great joy, strength and, above all, fun!

Best friends for ever

From a young age, girls start to develop friendships, and their importance grows as they get older. As with family relationships, they are usually multi-layered, very complex and heavily charged with powerful emotions.

Girls typically talk – and talk and talk. They can end up talking about each other, and this can translate to ‘bitchiness’. This is all the more distressing when carried out by text or email, and your daughter needs to learn not to get involved in such things, and to only talk about others if it is kind, true and necessary (or at least two of these things).

In general, friendships are especially important for identity-development during adolescence, and group-loyalty can be extreme. Girls’ friendships can be lifelong, and can be even closer than those of sisters. For the most part, these friendships develop through communication, shared experience and the development of loyalty.

Loyalty to friends can be paramount, and when a friend is disloyal, it can be the sudden and immediate end of that relationship, with no second chance. This may seem extreme to us as parents, but the point works both ways, and the needs of a friend may trump any obligations within a family, for fear of being seen as disloyal.

Typically, there comes a stage in many girls’ lives when they have, or would like to have, a close best friend, to whom they appear completely joined, emotionally. Lovely though this can be, it can exclude the development of other friendships, leaving a girl exposed to immense emotional loss should the friendship founder, as it probably will at some point. You may become aware that your daughter is being harmed by a manipulative and emotionally needy friend, and it can take skilled conversations over a period of time to help your daughter retain the friendship at a less deep level. This will help her to tell the friend that she still likes her and enjoys her company, but she retains her own identity and self-authority so will not always do what her friend wants. This may strengthen the healthy side of the friendship, or it may cause it to fade.

Top tips:

• Get to know the families of your daughter’s close friends. If a school has receptions or parents’ meetings, it is worth seeking out the parents of your daughters’ friends; you will be glad of each other’s support with respect to behavioural guidelines as your daughters travel through adolescence together, but even before that, play-dates, birthday parties and shared lifts are appreciated on both sides.

• If your daughter finds it difficult to make friends for any reason, tell her teacher, and ask for ideas as to what you can do, and what the school can do, to help her in this. If it is not successful, you may find that you have to arrange social gatherings with other families so at least your daughter knows other children or young people. Some girls do find it hard to make friends and may not achieve it easily until the sixth form, if that. For more on this, read ‘My daughter doesn’t have any friends’, also in this section.

• Most parents encourage their daughter’s friends to visit. If taken on holiday, however, you may find a week can sometimes be as much as girls’ friendships can cope with.

• Encourage your daughter to have several good friendships, even if there is one special friend.

• Enjoy your daughter’s friendships – for many parents, one of the great unsung joys of parenthood is getting to know their daughter’s friends, right into adulthood.

When friendships go wrong

Why are friendships so important to girls – and why is it the end of the world when they go wrong?

Most girls want to have friends – someone to share secrets with, who looks out for them each morning and who’ll miss them when they’re absent. But, beyond that, your daughter’s choice of friends says a great deal about her, both to her and to others.

Alongside how she dresses, her choice of friends is a large part of the image she wants to portray – she’s popular, part of the ‘in-crowd’. In short, she’s worth knowing. And here’s the proof: other girls like her, and the ‘cooler’ they are, the greater her standing in the wider social group.

Within the group, it’s a safe place for her to try out ideas and opinions. It builds her confidence to know that her friends agree with her, be it about world issues or that must-have shade of nail varnish. There’s also a lot of sharing of concerns. Worries about health, parents, boys, exams – all are shared, and frequently in great detail, with friends often sworn to secrecy. And because, for many girls, the need to belong is so strong, their groups tend to become exclusive and, although they may be friendly towards other girls, there are often very clear boundaries between friendship groups.

So, when it goes wrong, it is the end of the world for your daughter because now she’s lost part of her identity, she’s lost her place in the social order and her support structure for her ideas. Those shared secrets are now regretted. The former friends know everything about her. Now that the bond is broken, they might tell. Worse, they might be laughing at her. And the fact that she’s been part of an exclusive group means that it’s harder to join a new group, at least for a while.

So, when the worst happens, how can you help your daughter through the experience?

• Don’t underestimate how important this is to her. It is the end of her world, as she knows it.

• Let her know you understand that – and how hurt she feels – and be prepared for her to show real grief over the loss.

• Ask her if she thinks there’s any way back. Did she upset them in some way? Does she need to see if she can put that right? What would be the best way to do that?

If the distress is extreme or prolonged, it’s worth letting someone at school know – perhaps her form tutor or Head of House or Head of Year. It may be appropriate for them to get involved but, if nothing else, they can offer support as she finds her way through.

Do resist the temptation to contact the parents of the other girls involved – unless she has asked you to and you’re offering an olive branch on her behalf. One more layer of involvement usually makes it even harder for the girls to work things out themselves. And afterwards, whether or not the friendship is restored, take the opportunity to speak with your daughter and to help her to learn from the experience. Those lessons will stand her in good stead for the rest of her life.

My daughter doesn’t have any friends

Seeing your daughter unhappy because she doesn’t have friends is heart-rending as you watch her confidence ebb away and send her off to school each day after the enforced cheerfulness of breakfast.

How can you best support her?

• Acknowledge that not having friends at school is tough. Don’t be dismissive of how she feels and, if appropriate, share your own experiences with her – most of us can think of times when we felt we didn’t ‘belong’.

• If she has friends outside of school, make sure she has plenty of contact with them so that she knows she has people who like and accept her.

• Talk to her about her day at school. Which times are the most difficult? Before school? Breaks? Lunchtimes?

Offer some practical suggestions:

• If being in the form room before school means everyone else is chatting in groups, where else could she go? The library? Another room? Can she make sure she’s got something to do so she’s keeping herself busy?

• At breaks and lunchtimes, what clubs or extracurricular activities could she go to? Art club? Spanish club? Table tennis? She may claim not to know what’s on offer and you may need to contact the school to get the details but, if she can find something to do for most lunchtimes, it will help fill that lonely void between lunch and the start of afternoon school – and she might find a like-minded friend.

• Are there any opportunities for her to help other pupils? Listening to younger ones read? Helping to coach sports? Helping in the library?

• Can she get involved with a drama production? Volunteering to help backstage if not actually performing, or handing out programmes?

• Can she identify any other girls who seem to be by themselves? They could agree to meet up at break. They may not become close friends, but there’s comfort in having the arrangement.

• Are there any new girls who seem to be on their own and might like someone to help them settle in?

As a parent, the real difficulty is that your daughter’s confidence is likely to be very low. She may find making the kind of approaches mentioned above too difficult and may just say no to anything you suggest, not least because she’s afraid of failing again.

If you’ve reached that stage, you probably need to speak with the school, specifically with one of the staff in charge of pastoral care. They are best placed to quietly help your daughter in school and they can unobtrusively arrange things for her to be involved in. Hopefully, her confidence will then increase and she’ll be able to make friends for herself.