A Girl Called Malice
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As soon as we reached his room, Hayden released my hand to open the drawer on his bedside cabinet. ‘Get on the bed,’ he demanded.
‘Hey, I’m not one of your groupies, you know.’ My retort was nothing more than a token argument and Hayden’s glance confirmed he knew that, but something else lingered in his brief look—something I couldn’t read—but then he snapped his attention back to the drawer.
While I hitched up my skirt and lay back on his bed, Hayden pulled out a condom. He rolled it on, then climbed onto the bed to take up position between my legs. I wasn’t quite ready for his first thrust but the discomfort was a blessing in some ways; it gave me something external to focus on that I knew would soon pass rather than the emotional pain that lurked beneath the surface which I refused to face.
Sex was both a weapon and a cure, as well as my drug of choice and I was probably one of the worst junkies out there. I revelled in the thrill of the chase, the conquest, and the knowledge of being wanted. Bad-ass, super-sexy Hayden had wanted me so badly there hadn’t even been the time to get undressed.
Mission accomplished.
With Hayden otherwise distracted, I was free to search for the now familiar shapes in the textured ceiling. All I had to do was remember to moan every thirty seconds or so, to the point I was struggling not to laugh as I mentally ticked off the shapes one by one: the teddy bear; the dog; the table; the car…discovering something new with each visit.
The tell-tale twitch and the vein bulging in Hayden’s neck told me it was almost over so I wrapped my legs his waist and gripped. I wasn’t completely heartless and with all the effort he was putting in, the least I could do was fake an orgasm so I dug my nails into his back, threw back my head and let out a groan worthy of an Oscar. Hayden jerked and thrust hard for one final swansong, then came to a shuddering halt and collapsed on top of me.
Ha!
The routine worked every time and for once, Hayden hadn’t even tried to kiss me. The guy was learning. Christ, I hadn’t kissed a boy on the mouth since I was thirteen and even then it was more a clumsy crashing together of teeth. Yuck. The idea of kissing a guy was just too…too what? Romantic? Personal? Intimate?
All of the above?
Hayden’s breathing slowed and grew deeper. Each gust ruffled through my hair and tickled my cheek so I reached up carefully to push it behind my ear. One problem sorted, now to figure out how to disentangle myself from Hayden before he fell asleep completely and became a dead weight. I’d barely moved an inch when Hayden stirred. He shuffled off me to lay by my side then propped himself up on his elbow with his head resting on his palm to look at me.
‘Leaving already?’ There was a distinct note of pleading in his voice, more than hinting that he didn’t want me to go.
Not good.
‘Yeah,’ I said, trying to keep my tone light even as an icy chill swept through my veins and brought my skin out in goosebumps. I disguised my sigh as a deep breath and sat up. ‘You go back to sleep, I’ll see myself out.’ I swung my legs off the side of the bed and moved to stand up but Hayden caught hold of my hand.
‘Do you already have plans for today?’ he asked, not trying anywhere near hard enough to quash the wistful lilt this time. ‘I’ve got band practice this afternoon. We’re working on a new song.’
‘Oh,’ I said, scrambling for a way to let him down gently.
‘I wrote it.’ A smile played across his lips and his gaze lit up with a flash of pride, along with dash of vulnerability. ‘It’s about somebody I know,’ he said, trying to play it cool but he was a far better singer than an actor. ‘You should come along and listen.’
Uh-oh.
‘Um, no, sorry I can’t. I have plans, you see.’ The death knell on our arrangement was ringing out. ‘Speaking of which, I need to get going.’
‘Can you change them? Or blow whoever it is off?’ he asked, increasing the pressure on my hand. ‘It would mean a lot to me.’
Fuck.
How could I have been so blind? So stupid? I knew better than keeping the same guy on for so long but I thought Hayden knew the score—that it was just sex. Apparently not, which meant only one thing: it’s over.
‘I don’t think so, Hayden.’ I tried to shake off his hand but he only tightened his grip.
‘So is that all I am to you?’ The pressure on my hand bordered on painful. ‘A fuck-buddy?’
‘Yes, Hayden, that’s exactly what you are.’ I swivelled round to glare at him but I couldn’t hold it, not when I saw the pain shimmering in his eyes.
‘Fine.’ Anger replaced the pain in his voice and he released my hand as if he’d been burned. ‘You got what you came for, now get out.’
Free to move, I yanked my hand away and pushed up to standing. Keeping my back to him, I jutted out my jaw and crossed the short distance to the door with my head up and my shoulders back yet when I tried to walk out, my feet rooted themselves to the floor. My curse of a conscience reared its ugly head once again, refusing to let me leave without saying something to Hayden.
My bravado was slipping anyway so I let it fall just enough to offer him a glimpse of the girl behind the bitch mask. The real me. After all these weeks of being at my beck and call, he deserved that much. ‘I’m sorry, Hayden.’ I meant it too. A part of me wished I could give him what he so clearly wanted but the rest of me was screaming and begging me to get the hell out of there.
When Hayden finally looked at me, his eyes widened. My planned goodbye dried up on my lips. He’d seen too much. No longer glued to the spot, I yanked off my heels and fled.
‘Alice. Wait!’ he called.
Bed springs creaked behind me, spurring me on and I sprinted down the stairs with my shoes in one hand and gripping the banister with the other. Hayden’s footsteps reached the top of the stairs but I’d already cleared the bottom three steps in a single leap. I snatched up my discarded knickers and stashed them in my bra, then grabbed my keys. Hayden was getting closer—too close—causing me to fumble with the lock to the front door but I got it open on the second attempt and burst out into the sunlight without looking back.
By the time Hayden appeared at the gaping front door, still stark-naked, I was locked in the car with the engine running. A look of resigned acceptance replaced the frown that creased his handsome face and my ragged breath hitched painfully in my chest. Wearing nothing but a sad smile, he raised his hand to offer me a single wave then turned his back on me and calmly closed the door.
One tear fell into my lap, closely followed by another. Not even I could take that many hits in such quick succession without some kind of meltdown but I didn’t let anybody see me cry. Ever. No way did I want Hayden to see me crying, especially when it wasn’t even over him; he was just one more episode in the shitty life of Alice Taylor.
I wiped my eyes and slipped the car into first gear. Black smudges smeared the back of my hand, evidence that my camouflage was ruined but I didn’t have the strength to keep up the act anyway. Left with nowhere else to go, I eased away from the kerb and pointed Mum’s car towards home figuring I could use the journey time to psyche myself up for the next battle.
Chapter two
Sister
Trepidation grew with every metre that passed, wondering what sort of reception I’d get from Mum today. I’d managed to slip out of the house without seeing anyone first thing so I didn’t know which of her moods would meet my arrival. Unable to concentrate, I barely made it halfway home before I had to pull over or risk killing someone. I might be a cold-hearted bitch but I wasn’t a murderous one.
My hands trembled as I reached into my bag to grab my cigarettes and lighter. The flame was halfway to my mouth when I remembered I wasn’t in my nifty little convertible. No way could I get away with lighting up in mum’s car, not even with the windows down, so I pushed the car door open and set off walking down the street. I wasn’t in the mood for another lecture about smoking, but not because smoking kills.
No, Mum was more concerned about the ageing effects, the smell of stale tobacco and the fire risk to her beautiful things. She couldn’t give a toss about me. A fact she’d proved time and time again. I upped my pace to burn off the nervous energy flooding my senses. It took two cigarettes before I’d calmed down enough to get back behind the steering wheel.
Down to my last cigarette, I seized the excuse to further delay my arrival. At the next set of shops, I stopped off to buy more supplies, including another pack of my trusty nicotine gum and a pack of baby wipes. I took my time removing my smudged eyeliner but, with the task done, I couldn’t put off going home any longer.
Grand iron gates slowly opened to admit me and I peered down the long, sweeping driveway. From where I sat, it looked idyllic; impossible to see the monster of a building hidden by the screen of trees getting ready to shed their leaves over the manicured lawns. The house’s sheer size and grandeur never failed to intimidate me. I didn’t belong there: I knew it; Mum knew it; and I swear the house knew it too.
Never could I ever imagine a day when I would think of the place as home but if I had my way it wouldn’t be for much longer. I floored the accelerator, then pulled up in front of the house with a handbrake turn. I had a reputation to maintain, after all. A cursory glance up at the house told me the only person to witness my rebellion also happened to be my favourite person in the entire world.
Great. The only person that I didn’t want to upset, but at least I was assured of a warm welcome. Charlie’s head disappeared from behind the bay window of the playroom so I took a moment to clear my mind of the chaos. Seconds later, the little boy came charging out of the front door. He launched himself at me the moment I’d set foot outside out of the car.
‘Aunty Alice!’ came his excited shriek.
‘Hey, Charlie Bear,’ I said, catching his little body mid-flight after his leap from the third step. His sheer joy and happiness was contagious and it brought on my first genuine smile of the day, ‘it’s good to see you too.’
‘Oh.’ His huge olive-green eyes, so full of innocence, stared up at me from beneath furred brows and his smile slipped, ‘you have your blue eyes switched on.’
‘Does that matter?’ I asked, swallowing down the rock forming at the back of my throat. When I wasn’t hiding mine behind garish lenses, our eyes were one of the few things I had in common with my half-brother, except I couldn’t remember a time when mine had ever looked so clear. Not even at Charlie’s age if the few photos I’d managed to salvage were anything to go by.
‘I was going to ask you to play with me,’ he mumbled.
‘Well, go on then.’
Charlie blinked and the frown disappeared. ‘Can you play with me?’
‘Sure, I’d love to,’ I said brightly, ‘but I need to get changed first so give me five, yeah?’
Charlie’s expression took on a mischievous look and then contorted into one of total concentration. ‘One. Two. Three. Four. Five…time’s up.’
‘You little monkey.’ I tried to sound stern even though my grin matched his impish one, giving us something else in common. ‘That was great counting, Charlie, have you been practising?’
His eyes shone with pride. ‘I can say it in Spanish too. Do you want to hear?’
‘Spanish? No way!’
‘Yes way.’
‘Wow, that’s amazing. Even I can’t do that yet.’ Compared to the usual lies I spouted every day, this one was nothing. ‘Go on then, prove it, otherwise I won’t believe you.’
‘Uno. Dos. Tres.’ He hesitated with the next one and his eyebrows knitted together. I was on the verge of giving myself away and helping him out when the little tufts arched high on his forehead. ‘Cuatro. Cinco,’ he blurted, finishing with a flourish and beaming up at me.
‘Nice one,’ I said, ruffling his mop of white-blond hair. His was completely natural unlike mine which was best friends with peroxide. I lowered Charlie to the ground but he clung to my neck and latched his legs around me, refusing to put his feet down so I ended up hitching him higher. ‘So can you teach me, too?’ I asked, carrying him up the steps and into the house.
Charlie opened his mouth to answer but snapped it closed again, both of us falling silent as the sound of heels clicked across the parquet floor and drew closer.
‘Charles? Charles!’ called an agitated female voice, the volume bordering on a shout. Charlie flinched and stiffened in my arms. ‘Where have you got to now? You know I don’t have time for this.’
‘We’re here,’ I called out, wanting to end his torment more than I wanted to avoid our mother.
‘Alice?’ came her reply. It was amazing how she could say my name with such contempt.
I darted a glance towards the stairs. Maybe I should have put Charlie down and made a run for it, I’d had the chance. The sinking feeling in my stomach only grew worse and threatened to gouge an escape tunnel into the floor, but it was too late now. A beautiful woman appeared from around the staircase, dressed head to toe in pale gold, complete with matching shoes.
‘What are you doing here, Alice?’ Mum came to a stop inside the open doorway. The colour of her gown brought out the highlights in her flawless hair, straightened and styled to perfection in a chic pleat, with not a single strand daring to break rank. She undid all of her expensive beautifying when she sneered at me. ‘Shouldn’t you be at college or have you been kicked out of this one now, too?’
Golly gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.
‘No, I left at the end of last term? Remember?’ Nope, not even a flicker of comprehension dawned in her piercing eyes. Silly me. Of course she didn’t remember, since that would require paying attention to anything I had to say.
‘Oh.’ Her shoulders drooped as she let out an exasperated sigh. ‘What did you do this time?’
‘I wasn’t expelled, Mu—Michelle.’
She sucked in a sharp intake of breath and narrowed her eyes to slits at my near blunder in front of Charlie. ‘Really. So what happened? Was the work too hard for you or did you realise you couldn’t cheat your way to more qualifications?’
Neither actually.
I shrugged, not wanting to risk opening my mouth and telling her to fuck off. College was easy enough and I had no reason or desire to cheat, but Mum would only call me a liar. She’d refused to believe I could achieve something on merit so I’d finally given up trying to prove I had a brain in my head.
At least Mum thinking the worst of me meant that I wasn’t dragged to all of her swanky soirees like some prize poodle. I sullied her reputation simply by sharing the same living space as her. To be honest, I wouldn’t have put it past her to lock me away in a broom cupboard, Harry Potter style, so I made sure I stayed in my room whenever she entertained at home.
Besides, if she had me pegged as some kind of loser then she wouldn’t think of charging me rent any time soon. My wages weren’t great but everything I earned went straight into my savings account. Why spend my own money when I didn’t have to, right?
‘Actually, Alice, since you’re home I need you to look after Charles.’
‘Pardon?’ I’d been so busy trying to calculate how much I had saved up for my freedom fund, I’d missed her total change in tack. She’d even wiped away the sneer. I replayed her last words and scrambled to pick up the loose thread. ‘I mean, how long are you away for?’
‘Only until tomorrow,’ she said, waving her hand in the air and then examining her nails. ‘I’m sure even you can manage that.’
Don’t bite.
‘When tomorrow? I have…’ I almost blurted out the word ‘work’ but checked myself at the last second. ‘Plans.’
‘Then I suggest you change them,’ she said, dropping the pretence of asking nicely and hitting me full-on with her best glare.
Two could play at that game, and I’d learned direct from the master thanks to years of first-hand experience. ‘Why should I?’ I planted my feet and squared up to her, matching her glare for glare, but then gentle fingers stroked my cheek.
Charlie’s soft touch reminded me of his presence and here I was drawing battle lines with his mum, potentially forcing him to choose sides. I couldn’t lose him too so I dropped my gaze to the floor and handed Mum the victory. I could see her relief but then her eyes turned sharp again as her scheming mind got to work. Within seconds, her scowl transformed into something else I couldn’t quite read, but whatever it was made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.
‘You’d like to spend the day with Aunty Alice, wouldn’t you, Charles?’ she asked, adopting her ‘best friend’ tone even as she deceived him with the whole ‘Aunty’ bullshit.
Charlie nodded so hard his entire body bounced up and down in my arms and I had to adjust my grip or risk dropping him.
‘Daddy’s been invited to step in as guest of honour at the annual gala in London tonight,’ continued Mum in her sickly-sweet sing-song voice as she pretended to be talking to Charlie. ‘Daddy is very excited, and it will do wonders for his career too, so he couldn’t possibly turn down such a prestigious invitation, could he, Charles?’
Charlie obediently shook his head. Like the poor kid had a clue what ‘prestigious’ meant.
‘No, that’s right,’ Mum said. ‘It would be terribly rude of Daddy not to go, wouldn’t it Charles?
Charlie nodded on cue, clearly loving the attention and blissfully unaware that he was being used as a pawn in her passive-aggressive game. ‘Yes, Mummy.’
Mum rewarded him with a smile, and not the fake one she occasionally blessed me with either: this one made her look even younger than her thirty-five years so that we really did look more like sisters than mother and daughter, adding further credence to her lie. The regular Botox injections helped too, though they did nothing for me except help blank my emotions.
It was no wonder people genuinely believed her when she introduced me as her wayward younger sister and acted like she was some kind of saint. I’d once considered telling everyone the truth but it would have come down to her word against mine. Nobody would have believed me. I’d just be the nasty little girl trying to stir up trouble for her wonderful big sister out of spite or jealousy.
‘Fine,’ I huffed. It wouldn’t be too bad if I only had to swap my lunch shift with one of the other girls and still get in for the evening shift. ‘What time will you to be back?’
‘Oh I’ve no idea,’ she said smugly, throwing in a laugh too. ‘Perhaps you ought to clear your diary for the entire day.’
‘What? It’s not that simple. I can’t just—’
‘Are you going to let Charles down now, too?’
Too?
Wow, she was really working me over today. It wasn’t worth wasting my breath to argue with her when she was in this mood. She’d only throw every past misdemeanour at me, holding onto them tighter in a pathetic attempt to maintain some control over me. Like that had ever worked.
‘No, I said I’d do it.’ The irony was that I’d have agreed right away if she’d asked me nicely instead of manipulating me. I could think of far worse things than hanging out with Charlie for a couple of days, even though it meant calling in some major favours at work. Time spent with Charlie gave me a much-needed break from keeping up the mean girl act; a holiday of sorts where I wouldn’t have to keep my defences on red alert the whole time.
‘I should hope so too.’ Mum avoided meeting my eye and dipped her head to brush an imaginary speck of dust from her dress but her hairline lifted to betray her smirk. A thank you would have been nicer. ‘It’s the least you can do really, considering everything Derek has done for you?’
Ah yes. Derek, the almighty brother-in-law who was just as in the dark as Charlie about my heritage. I’d always wondered if he would have treated me differently or perhaps not let me get away with quite as much these past few years had he known he was my step-father? Alas, I’d never know. It was one of life’s unanswered conundrums that would most likely haunt me forever.
‘So what time are you leaving?’ I asked, trying not to sound too desperate to get away from her to regroup. Why did every conversation with her have to leave me feeling even more worthless than I’d started out?
‘Derek has sent a car for me.’ Mum flipped her wrist over to check her ridiculously expensive watch. ‘It should be here in ten minutes.’
‘Ten minutes?’ My arms tightened involuntarily around Charlie. If I got any more tense I was in danger of snapping my collar bone. ‘What would you have done with Charlie if I hadn’t come home in time?’
‘Oh I do wish you wouldn’t call him that, Alice. His name is Charles,’ she said, completely avoiding the question. ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and finish packing. Charles, you be a good boy for Aunty Alice, won’t you?’
Aunty Alice, my arse.
‘Yes, Mummy.’
‘Good boy. Of course you will.’ She leaned in to plant a kiss on the top of his head then wandered back the way she’d come without saying another word to me. No instructions, no goodbye, nothing. The woman was unbelievable.
‘It’s just you and me then, Charlie Bear?’ I said, adding false cheer to my slightly raised voice, but if Mum heard me using the pet name then she didn’t rise to the bait. ‘What shall we do first?’
‘A picnic,’ he yelled, reaching for my face until we were nose to nose. ‘Please, please, please!’
I managed a laugh. ‘OK, you’re on—’
‘Hooray!’
‘But do you remember me saying I needed to get changed?’
‘Yes.’ His bony little shoulders slumped, along with his bottom lip.
‘Why don’t you grab your colouring book and some crayons and bring them up to my room?’
That perked him up. ‘Your room?’
‘Yeah, sure.’
‘Can I—’ He stopped speaking and darted a glance to the door, then leaned in close to my ear, lowering his voice to a whisper. ‘Can I look at your pictures instead?’
‘OK, Charlie,’ I whispered back. ‘But it has to stay our secret.’
‘Yay.’ He grinned and threw his arms around my neck again, squeezing me so tight I could barely draw breath but I didn’t mind.
I wordlessly hugged him back and closed my eyes against the sudden burning sensation that threatened to make them water. A comfortable peace settled around us, broken only by the sound of a suitcase being wheeled over a stone floor.
Not wanting a repeat performance, I took off for the stairs with Charlie still clinging onto my neck. Shoulders burning, my arms ached with the weight of him but I was just as incapable of putting him down as he seemed to be incapable of letting go. His grip relaxed the moment we reached my bedroom, astute kid, so I tossed him onto my bed and tickled him until he begged me to stop.
The break in sound revealed the low purr of an engine outside. Charlie hopped off the bed then ran over to the French windows that led out to my balcony. He looked longingly through the glass so I opened the doors wide and welcomed the gust of wind whipping around me, strong enough to lift my matted tangle of hair off my neck.
Charlie dived straight out onto the balcony and hopped up and down, unable to see over the top of the wall. Whether it was excitement at seeing the car or wanting to see Mum off, I wasn’t sure. Car doors clicked shut below and spurred me into action. I followed him out and picked him up again so he could wave furiously at the black limo headed for the main gate until it was far out of sight, taking our mother with it.
Satisfied the car had gone, Charlie wriggled in my arms to get down again so I set him on his feet and watched him wander back into my room. Unexpectedly alone, I closed my eyes and breathed in the fresh air, letting it fill my lungs. My favourite place in the whole house, the balcony provided the perfect escape from the austere confines of my ‘family’ home and served as a lookout point.