International Students’ Survival Guide
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In order to understand why this happens, it’s important to remember that living abroad is very challenging, even if you’re normally an easy-going person. You’ll probably struggle to understand others and make yourself understood. You’ll sometimes misunderstand the “unspoken rules” of your host culture and make some embarrassing mistakes. You may have to rely on others more often than you’re used to. You may feel like a child again. All of these things can make you feel very vulnerable. For people who are used to being good at things, feeling vulnerable may feel like not being good enough. Feeling this way about yourself can be difficult. Without realizing it, you may “project” these unpleasant feelings onto others. For example, rather than simply accepting your own feelings of confusion, you might blame your host country for being “disorganized” and “confusing.”
To prevent this from happening to you, try to have realistic expectations of yourself. Being vulnerable is not the same as being inadequate. Take things slowly and give yourself time to learn. With each small success, give yourself a small reward—do something you particularly enjoy, for example. If you know people who are willing to talk honestly about their experiences, open up to them and share stories of your mistakes and embarrassing moments. Experiences that were humiliating at the time can seem funny when you share them with someone you trust. Eat well, exercise, and try to go to bed at a regular time. Above all, be kind to yourself. When you’re kind to yourself, it’s easier to be more generous to others.
Getting stuck at Stage 3: “The Coper”
Now that you’ve read about Stage 1 and Stage 2, you might decide that you’re better off fast forwarding to Stage 3 and be reasonable and “well-adjusted” right from the start. This option might be particularly attractive to you if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t like making a fuss. You’re probably a hard worker and good at coping with most situations. However, jumping ahead to Stage 3 is not often possible and may not even be good for you in the longer term.
Living in another country can be a profound experience, but only if you allow it to affect you deeply. If you choose to avoid the confusion and unhappiness of the earlier stages, you may be cheating yourself. These more difficult feelings often mean that you are allowing your new environment to affect you and that a profound change is taking place. It’s important to remember that these feelings are natural, and for most people, not overwhelming. However, pushing them away not only limits your experience but can affect you in other ways. You may, for example, become physically ill, or suddenly very anxious for no obvious reason.
If this sounds like you, try to stay in touch with your feelings. Make sure that there are times in your day when you’re not busy. Allow yourself to notice what’s happening to you. Consider keeping a journal. Try to open up to people that you trust and remember that you don’t always have to be strong and capable for other people to like you.
Will I be homesick?
Whatever your experience of culture shock, homesickness will probably be a part of it. When you move abroad, it’s natural to miss home at least some of the time. In fact, some research has found that 85–95% of young people who move away from home report feeling homesick. The good news is that for most people, feelings of homesickness are relatively mild. Although you’re more than likely to miss your friends and family at home, you’re unlikely to feel worse as time goes on, or to have too much difficulty managing your daily life.
However, for a small percentage of people (around 6–9%), homesickness can be quite severe and difficult to manage without help. People who are severely homesick think about home most of the time. They may become depressed or angry, and avoid spending time with people around them. They may have these feelings right from the start, and feel even worse as time goes on.
There is no way of knowing for certain why some people become more homesick than others—but there are several known risk factors. To see if you might be one of those affected, try the questionnaire below then read the explanation afterward.
Homesickness Questionnaire
Circle the option a, b, or, c that best describes your response to questions 1–9.
1. How much experience do you have of being away from home for an extended period of time? (i.e. longer than 2 weeks)
a) a lot of experience
b) some experience
c) little or no experience
2. How homesick do you expect to be?
a) very homewsick
b) somewhat homesick
c) not at all homesick
3. How easy do you think it will be for you to make friends?
a) quite easy
b) not sure
c) very difficult
4. How do you usually feel about trying out new things?
a) excited
b) curious
c) worried
5. How organized do you like your life to be?
a) very organized
b) somewhat organized
c) not very organized
6. When you have a problem, how do you normally deal with it?
a) I try to sort it out myself
b) I hope that things will get better
c) I get help
7. When you are upset, how often can you rely on family members for support?
a) always
b) it depends
c) not usually
8. How does your family feel about you studying abroad?
a) excited
b) neutral
c) worried
9. How involved have you been in making decisions about your study abroad?
a) very involved
b) somewhat involved
c) not really involved
Key
1. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3
2. a = 3, b = 1, c = 2
3. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3
4. a = 1, b = 1, c = 3
5. a = 3, b = 1, c = 2
6. a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
7. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3
8. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3
9. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3
How to interpret your score:
If you scored 9–13 in total with no 3s, you’re probably at a low risk of being severely homesick.
If you scored 14–18 in total and one or two 3s, you may have a moderate risk of being severely homesick.
If you scored 19+ in total and three or more 3s, you may be at a high risk of experiencing severe homesickness.
Risk factors explained
There are many factors that could affect your chances of becoming homesick. These include factors related to your experience, your attitudes, your personality, and your family relationships. Finding out more about these risk factors can help you understand your own vulnerabilities and identify the strategies that are most likely to help you.
Experience
Not surprisingly, your experience of being away from home is an important factor. If you’ve never or rarely been away from home for long periods of time, you’re more likely to feel homesick when you move abroad. Having had bad experiences of being away from home, being in the hospital for example, can also make acute homesickness more likely.
Attitudes
Your attitudes and expectations are also important. If you expect to be very homesick, you’re more likely to be very homesick. Attitudes and expectations tend to be “self-fulfilling” because of the way they influence what you notice and the way you behave. For example, if you don’t expect to make friends, you’re less likely to make friends because you may not notice when people are being friendly toward you. When strangers speak to you, for instance, you might think they are simply giving you information rather than making conversation in order to get to know you.
Personality
People who don’t like to try out new things or dislike feeling out of control are more likely to miss the familiarity of home. The tendency to be well-organized can be an advantage when moving abroad, but if you need to be organized and in control all of the time, you may be at a real disadvantage. If you don’t like the “chaos” of new experiences, you’re more likely to yearn for the familiarity of home. The way you cope with unexpected events is also a significant factor. If you tend to respond to difficulties with helplessness, you’ll probably also want to be where you’re used to being taken care of, that is in your family home.
Family relationships
In order to feel secure and happy abroad, you need to feel you have a secure and happy home to go back to. If your family does not support your decision to go abroad or is very worried about you, you may not have the confidence to go out into the world. If there are difficulties at home that are not being talked about, you’re also much more likely to be preoccupied with home. Finally, if the decision to study abroad has been made for you—by your parents, for instance—or if you have not been fully involved in planning your studies abroad, you’re less likely to make a success of your venture. All of these factors increase the likelihood that you’ll be troubled by homesickness.
Preventing homesickness
There are steps that you can take before you leave home so that you are less likely to suffer homesickness. Taking part in all of the planning and decision making around your study abroad experience can be a major help. Involving friends and family members who are enthusiastic about your journey will also give you the support you need. If possible, try to talk openly about problems among family members or close friends so that you’re not worried about things at home when you’re abroad.
To prepare yourself for greater independence, practice doing small, unfamiliar tasks on your own. If you’ve never cooked a meal for yourself for instance, or washed your own clothes, learn how to do these things. Practice until you feel more confident of your skills. Experiencing yourself as a capable person will give you greater confidence when you’re on your own.
What to do when you feel homesick abroad
Of course there will be times when you do feel homesick. But there’s plenty you can do to help yourself. Forming at least one good trusting relationship in your new country is key. Sometimes, when people have come abroad with very high expectations, they can find it difficult to talk openly about difficulties and disappointments. If family and friends at home are very worried about you, you may feel pressure to tell them only “good news.” Being able to talk to someone about how you really feel can be a great relief.
Taking good care of both your body and mind will help: eat well, keep regular hours, exercise, and take care of your health. When you’re feeling homesick, distract yourself by getting out of your room and doing something active. It can be difficult at first to take care of yourself when what you’re really wanting is someone to take care of you. But once you get started, you’ll soon feel not only better, but more self-confident.
How often should I call home?
Staying in touch with people you’re close to at home is important. However, it should not be the focus of your life abroad. Having a regularly scheduled phone conversation or Skype session is generally preferable to calling whenever you feel homesick. This is because people generally feel more secure when they have a regular routine. Knowing that you’ll have contact with home at a set time each week, for example, can help you feel more stable. Moreover, when it’s not time to call, you’re likely to feel free to pay attention to what’s going on around you in your new home.
A final word on adjusting to a new culture
When we hear the words “a new culture,” we often think of an outward journey, an adventure in a new land. However, after reading this chapter, you may realize that the process of adjusting to a new culture is very much a journey inside of yourself. You’ll meet parts of yourself that may have been hidden or unfamiliar to you. Not only that, as you work through each stage of the process, you’ll open up new territories within yourself: new skills and ways of being. It’s the fruits of this inward journey that you’ll keep and take home with you. You’ll need them as you face your next great challenge: readjusting to the culture you left behind. That, however, is the subject of another chapter!
5 Making friends
In this chapter, we’d like to help you to understand the best ways to make friends and to get involved in student life at your college/university. Although studies are very important, it’s also important to remember that college life can be a wonderful opportunity to meet native-speaker students, as well as other international students from every corner of the globe.
Try to make friends with people who don’t speak the same first language as you. This doesn’t necessarily have to be native speakers of English. Being friends with other international students from other parts of the world who don’t speak the same first language as you will mean that you have to speak English to communicate. Although it seems very comfortable and safe to make friends with people of the same nationality as you, you will not improve your English or learn the host culture or learn about other cultures in any deep way. Remember that college/university abroad is about much more than just your degree. You’re also improving your foreign language skills, and learning about a new culture.
What kind of accommodation is best?
Try to live with native-speaker students, or at least a mix of nationalities. If you live with your own nationality, it makes it more difficult to meet native-speaker students. One of the best ways to do this, if you’re an undergraduate, is to live at the dormitory/student halls of residence. There’s always lots going on and lots of people to talk to in these places, and there’s often a sense of community.
Another great option that is often available to college- and university-level students is a homestay. In a homestay, you’ll live with a local family. At their best, homestays provide many benefits such as:
better speaking and listening skills because of the opportunities to practice with the family;
detailed cultural knowledge;
a view of life “from the inside” of a culture;
a quieter living option than the typical dormitory or shared apartment;
people who look after you and can help you;
a home environment;
experience with children and the elderly, who you don’t often interact with on a college/university campus.
What if you’re just not meeting people from the host country?
If you do end up spending time with other students who speak the same first language as you, make an agreement with your friends to speak in English at all times. The key is to make yourself aware of the fact that you can’t keep going back to your first language. This way you’ll still get to practice English.
Contact with home
Don’t stay in constant contact with home! Some students try to call home every day, or at least several times a week. This is a big mistake. You’ll make it harder for yourself to adjust to your new place and life if you’re always thinking about what’s going on in your country. You’ll also lose your focus on what you’re doing: studying. You need to explain to your friends and family at home that you need to focus now. Make a plan to contact them once a week if necessary, but not more than that unless there’s a problem. Also remind them that it’s best if you’re not told about every problem and crisis at home. This can cause a lot of stress and worry for international students. It’s often difficult for the family and friends back home who have not studied abroad to understand just how stressful it can be for you to constantly hear about crises that you can’t do anything about.
Finding friends at your college/university
Whether you’re trying to make friends with local students, or just want to feel like you’re really involved in the life of your new college, there are usually many different opportunities for you to become an important part of your college or university’s social life.
The student union
On many college/university campuses, there will be a student union or common building that will have many different events happening. These are usually the social heart of the college. From rock concerts to free classes, there is usually much more going on than you could possibly have time for!
The student council
At many colleges/universities, there are opportunities for students to become involved in the political planning and activities of the college. Student councils’ members work with the college or university’s administrators. They represent the students and help with decision-making on policies at the college or university. These are usually voted-for positions, so even the process of trying to become a council member will help you meet and network with many different types of people across the campus.
Clubs/Student organizations
Depending on the size of your college or university, there should be many different clubs to join. These clubs give you a perfect opportunity to meet other students who share the same interests as you. In the UK these clubs are usually called “societies.”
The clubs are usually focused on things such as:
sports;
foreign languages;
music (anything from booking bands to playing in one);
film;
art;
dance;
subject-based, academic clubs (astronomy, history);
political groups;
martial arts;
religious groups;
interests (baking, knitting, gaming, books);
sober (people who don’t drink alcohol) social groups (a great option for people who don’t like drinking or who can’t drink due to religious beliefs or health issues).
In Australia, many campuses have an International Students’ Society which you may like to join.
Fraternities and Sororities
In the US, there’s the opportunity to join a fraternity (for men) or sorority (for women) on many campuses. These are formal, lifelong organizations that usually involve much of your social time being spent with your fraternity and sorority “brothers” and “sisters.” The process of joining a fraternity or sorority is long and involves many rituals and meetings, where both you and the house decide if you’re a good fit for each other. It’s a good option for people who want a very strong social network, but it’s not suitable for everyone.
Foreign language exchange
Many foreign students meet native-speaker students through foreign language exchanges. When you find a partner, usually through the foreign language departments of your college/university, you then meet regularly with your partner. Usually, one hour is spent speaking in your language, and the other hour in English. Many strong friendships have been formed this way, and even if you don’t become friends, it’s a great way to help other students learn more about your language and culture, while you learn from them.
Community involvement
Many colleges and universities encourage students to become a part of the wider community than the college is in. English-speaking countries have a long history of charity and charity organizations that are run for the most part by volunteers who work without pay. Students in the social sciences such as social work might enjoy working with the elderly, for example. There is usually a charity organization to fit any area of interest that you might have from helping with homelessness or working with wild animals.
Religious institutions
Pretty much every religion is represented in English-speaking countries. Going to mosque, for example, is usually possible wherever you study. Students will often meet native-speaker Muslims in that situation, for example, which can mean an easier friendship due to having similar values or beliefs. Most religious institutions in English-speaking countries, of course, are Christian. These churches will often have many different social organizations attached to them. Many churches throughout the English-speaking world have strong ties and experience with charity organizations in the community. Many also have “international friendship” groups that like to reach out to foreigners in the area. If there isn’t a group like this on your campus, there’s likely to be one in the wider community. These groups don’t usually try to change your mind about your religion, but rather offer friendship and opportunities to get to know the locals.
Making friends with internationally-minded native speakers
Native-speaker students are often a mystery to international students, especially to those students who come from cultures that are very different from English-language culture. But hopefully we can help take the mystery out of making friends with native speakers.
Students from English-speaking countries are usually very casual and can be quite friendly. Here are some basics you need to know.
Friendships in English-speaking countries can be made very quickly (especially in the US and Canada), but they may not involve the same level of closeness and obligation that many friendships in places such as Asia and the Middle East can.
Friends in English-speaking countries love to spend time together, but they also need time apart. Don’t expect to get calls and texts from your English-speaking friends all the time, and you shouldn’t call them all the time either.