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‘I am sorry. For everything.’ Characteristically, he’d remained in denial until crisis point, when he’d been forced to witness the emotional effects of the damage he’d caused first-hand. While he had no desire to embarrass her in front of anyone here, it would be remiss of him not to acknowledge the wrong he’d done her, and if she chose not to speak to him after this flight at least he would know he’d made the apology and meant it.
‘Perhaps you’d give us a song, Doctor? I’m sure the children would love it.’ There was that smile again but there was no trace of friendliness in the way she’d bunched up the leftover song sheets in her fist. She was rejecting the apology as obviously as she could without drawing attention from the others because she would know taking part was the last thing he’d want to do.
Their marriage might’ve been short-lived but they’d been together long enough for Freya to know that this Christmas merriment was out of Lucas’s comfort zone. Her enthusiasm for the season had been difficult to live with when he’d hated everything about it. The over-the-top glitter and expense was always a reminder of the childhood he’d been denied and the only reason he’d agreed to step in before he knew Freya was involved had been to ensure these kids had the happy memories he didn’t.
‘I...er...have a lot of paperwork to catch up on.’ It wasn’t a complete lie. As the emergency replacement for the usual medical coordinator, he’d been handed the itinerary at the last minute. Although he’d done his best to get acquainted with the case notes of the children who’d be under his care so there wasn’t any room for error and he was fully prepared for any eventuality. Not that anything could’ve prepared him for this tense exchange but he deserved every bit of the hard time she was giving him.
‘Well, don’t let me take up any more of your time.’ She made a move to leave but there was such resignation in her tone he didn’t want her to think he’d ever dismissed her, or everything they’d ever had, as easily as it may have seemed.
He reached out to touch her arm but she flinched away from him again as though he’d given her an electric shock. A reminder of those early days when they’d been avoiding their growing attraction in the workplace, where every brush against each other had held so much meaning. The most obvious difference now was that she wasn’t looking at him with undisguised desire, more like murderous intent.
‘Don’t be like this, Freya. I really am sorry...’ If he’d been in her shoes he knew he’d probably never be able to forgive him either, but how could they ever resolve matters if she refused to be anywhere near him? Expecting a truce here was a big ask but eventually she might accept he was trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Perhaps a divorce would get that anger at him out of her system once and for all.
‘If you’ll excuse me, we have a very busy schedule ahead of us today and I wouldn’t want to let people down.’ Freya cut off his attempt to apologise again and put some distance between them, leaving the scent of cinnamon and peppermint lingering in her wake. She launched into the first rendition of an old Christmas classic, encouraging everyone else to join in and handing out percussion instruments to the youngest members of the party.
To everyone else sitting on this plane Freya was the life and soul of the party, bringing festive cheer to those who needed it most, but Lucas could see the brave face she was trying to put on. She refused to make eye contact with him again for the duration of the fun and games on board to pass the time for the children and he knew that determination not to let them down was because she’d been there. She’d been on the receiving end of bitter disappointment and broken dreams and it was all down to him.
His journey to recovery had come at Freya’s expense and he couldn’t fully move on from the past when it wasn’t only his father who’d left a legacy of unhappiness behind. Unlike the man who’d made his life hell, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t try to fix things. Although he hadn’t been able to provide Freya with the husband and family she needed or deserved, there was one thing he could give her that might go some way to making up for his behaviour. An explanation.
It wasn’t going to be easy to open up about the demons that had driven him away or to get her to speak to him long enough to do so, but he owed it to her to try. Perhaps this visit to Father Christmas could give them both the gift they needed most—peace of mind.
CHAPTER TWO
‘YOU LOOK LOVELY and cosy in there.’ Freya was helping to dress the two little girls she’d been assigned for the duration of the trip in the ski gear and snow boots which had been waiting for the group at the other end of the flight.
It was daylight now and the quick peek they’d had from the plane at the snowy landscape had made them all keen to get out and explore but the subzero temperature meant they needed to be suitably dressed before they could venture outside. With the nature of the conditions a lot of the children were suffering it was doubly important they were all wrapped up against the elements.
Freya had changed out of her elf outfit and into her more suitable snowflake-adorned sweater and warm trousers before they’d left the airport. Even trussed up like the Abominable Snowman in this lurid pink ski suit she felt more comfortable; zipped in and covered up and hopefully protected from the penetrating stare of her ex-husband.
It had never entered her head that she would be forced to face him on this trip but she’d been even more disturbed by the flutter of her pulse every time he looked at her. Something that had happened all too frequently during the flight for her comfort. She felt his eyes burning into the back of her head now, watching her with the intensity of a man who had something he needed to get off his chest. Whatever it was, she didn’t want to hear it. Whether he wanted to salve his conscience and finally unload the reason behind his mysterious disappearance, or he was eventually attempting to claim back half of everything that was rightfully his, she wasn’t going to do this in front of an audience.
Freya had been over every imaginable scenario in her head since he’d left her—from another woman to some sort of post-wedding jitters that had seen him running for the hills. In the end, it boiled down to the same thing—Lucas hadn’t wanted to be with her any more and no amount of talking now could repair her shattered heart. Despite the thermal layers of clothes she couldn’t help but shiver every time she thought of him reaching out to take her hand on take-off. The part of her that, apparently, hadn’t endured enough humiliation wanted to believe it was more than some residual body memory making him reach out to reassure her. That, irrespective of everything, he still cared about her the way she obviously still cared for him. The wounded Freya, still recovering from her injuries, reminded her it wasn’t possible given the way they’d parted and it wasn’t healthy to hold out any hope otherwise. Such a weakness in her armour left her vulnerable to another attack on her heart.
‘Where did my fingers go?’ Five-year-old Hope waved her hand at Freya and pulled her back into the present fantasyland. She was one of several here with type one diabetes, which meant constant monitoring of her blood-sugar levels, to avoid highs and lows, and her activity levels. It left no room for daydreaming paediatric nurses.
‘They’re in there all snuggled together keeping warm. These are called mittens and all of Santa’s visitors have to wear them so Jack Frost doesn’t nip those little fingers.’ She adjusted the mittens so Hope’s thumbs made it into their own holes and gave her a bit more freedom of movement.
‘Scarlett too?’ She grabbed hold of Freya’s other charge for the weekend, the look of concern for her friend’s naked fingers clearly etched on her cherubic face.
At least it would make her job easier over the weekend if the two little girls were bonding and not pining for any siblings at home.
‘Yes, Scarlett too.’ Freya tugged another pair of mittens on, and with their matching cerise ski suits and woolly hats, they could’ve passed for sisters, twins even.
Her heart lurched at the sight of the two precious bundles whose lives had been entrusted to her for the duration of the trip by their parents. It was a great responsibility but also a huge privilege to be able to give them a taste of a normal childhood. She’d look after them as if they were her own. If things had worked out differently, the way she’d planned her life with Lucas, they could’ve been making this trip to see Santa with their own little ones.
That space in her heart echoed with sorrow as that image of her, Lucas and the babies she’d imagined they would have flashed into her head. She’d had so much love to give, ready to start their very own family, and he’d ripped it all away from her, leaving her with nothing. Looking after other people’s precious babes was as close as she’d ever get to that mothering side again because she knew she’d never trust another man enough to ever start her own family now.
‘So, this is Hope and Scarlett? Hi, girls. My name is Lucas and I’m going to be helping Freya look after you. If there’s anything you need you just come to one of us, okay?’ Lucas had managed to appear beside her without tripping her inner alarm warning and she bristled at having him so close, intruding on the moment. It didn’t help when he was wearing a black beanie hat and electric-blue ski suit and looking like someone ready to have fun instead of a professional heartbreaker.
‘Okay,’ the girls chorused, nodding their heads, no doubt charmed already by the handsome doctor. He had that effect on people.
‘It’s time to get on the bus.’ She ushered the girls out towards the waiting transportation that was going to take them on the first leg of their journey with more urgency now that he’d arrived on the scene.
That first blast of cold air was a shock to the system and she shooed the little ones up the bus steps so they didn’t hang about outside any longer than was necessary.
‘I only wanted to make sure you had Scarlett’s anti-epilepsy drugs and Hope’s insulin at hand. I’m checking off everyone’s medication before we head out.’ Lucas flipped through the paperwork he’d been studying on the flight as he’d avoided all the on-board activities, and unexpected heat burned Freya’s cheeks at the mistaken belief his attention had been solely for her. Of course he’d be preoccupied with the treatment all of these children needed while they were here. It was his job to coordinate everything so they could travel safely. She would never question his professionalism. It was his cavalier attitude to his marital status she had an issue with.
‘Yes, I have the AEDs, insulin and the times they’ve to be administered.’ When it came to the care of her patients she took her job equally as seriously. She’d checked and double-checked everything these girls needed for the duration of this trip and wasn’t leaving anything to chance. Although neither epilepsy nor diabetes were the sort of conditions that necessarily ran to a schedule.
‘Good.’ He gave her a curt nod before moving along the line to converse with the other medical members of the team. It was easier to deal with him when he was in doctor mode because it reminded her of the days when they’d been able to work together before chemistry and emotions had got in the way. If he maintained this detached manner and avoided any further mention over their shared past she was more likely to hold back the tears and the urge to slap him.
Freya stepped on board the bus with renewed fire in her belly. She’d survived the loss of her baby in her teens and had made it through this last year of absolute hell, so she knew she could get through anything.
‘Look at the big snowmen!’ Hope and Scarlett had their faces squished up against the bus windows, pointing at the sights along the way, and Freya had to admit she was every bit as impressed by the ten-foot-high figures greeting them on arrival at the clearing where they were to begin their activities.
They’d made a quick stop to check in at their accommodation first, leaving all unnecessary baggage except the medical equipment they needed and an estranged husband she suddenly couldn’t seem to shake off, and now she was ready to go exploring.
‘Isn’t it wonderful?’ With the falling snow, frosted pine trees and the marshmallow landscape waiting for the first footsteps to break the surface, this place was exactly what she needed to compensate for last year’s miserable time.
The trio was so engrossed by their surroundings that they were last to leave the bus and found the others were already lined up, waiting for the reindeer sleighs to take them through the magical forest, when they stepped outside.
Lucas was waiting to speak to her at the back of the line. ‘They can only take two at a time.’
‘Well, how’s that going to work for us?’ The girls were clutching both of her hands and there was no way she could leave one behind or expect them to go without her.
‘I’ve volunteered to take one of the girls with me. It’s not a problem.’
Maybe not to him but as it seemed the volunteers had all been allocated already to accompany the children along with the medical staff, and she didn’t want them to miss out, she had no other option than to accept his solution to the problem.
‘Fine. You go on ahead with Scarlett and I’ll follow with Hope.’ At least the moment wouldn’t be totally ruined if she wasn’t expected to snuggle up beside him. Sleigh rides in the snow were supposed to be fun and romantic and definitely not something to be shared with a soon-to-be ex-husband.
In contrast, Scarlett was only too eager to climb onto the wooden frame with Lucas, and Freya was able to breathe a little easier once they’d begun their journey deep into the woods without her.
‘Our turn next.’ She gave Hope’s hand a squeeze and exchanged cheesy grins with her as their ride arrived.
The figure leading the reindeer towards them was dressed in the bright red and blue, embroidered traditional costume of the area, adding to the wonder of it all. The reindeer was a magnificent beast, his harness the same colourful fabric of his master, and his majestic antlers dusted with snow. He was so awe-inspiring he could’ve stepped straight out of one of those sentimental movies her mum insisted on watching every year.
‘Can I stroke him?’ Hope whispered, bubbling with delight at meeting what she probably imagined was one of Father Christmas’s faithful servants.
The handler nodded and gave them the go-ahead to get the most from this experience. Freya let Hope pet his muzzle first but she didn’t get in the sleigh until she’d had her chance to touch the soft brown fur herself. It was the kind of quiet, contemplative moment that gave her a pang of regret she didn’t have a child of her own to share it with. She often imagined what her baby would’ve looked like if it had survived, but it didn’t matter how much she tortured herself—she would never know. The need to be a mother again had almost consumed her when she and Lucas had married, she had been so desperate to fill that hole in her heart. This guardianship was as close as she’d get when she’d been let down one too many times by those who’d promised to be there for her.
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