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Muttering, James tossed the pizza box behind him onto the table, barely visible beneath a pile of discarded items—the same table where he’d made slow, mind-shattering love to her the first time. “You’ve already polished off the only soda I had. That leaves a six-pack of beer, and you can’t have that.”
Will slid to the floor and kicked. When he wanted something, he wanted it immediately.
“Yeah. No offense, partner, but you’re a might young for beer.”
Will sniffled and toddled over to James, catching the leg of his jeans at knee level.
Something in Kelly’s chest shifted. She had known seeing James again would be difficult. But nothing had prepared her for the sight of father and son together. Regret filled her soul. She gulped a shaky breath before squaring her shoulders.
Kelly reminded herself that James had always been and probably still was a free spirit, not at all the commitment type. She would do well to remember why she’d left. But this wasn’t about her.
Would James resent her for tying him down? Was he ready to raise a child, ready for that kind of commitment? These were the same questions she had asked herself when she’d made the decision not to tell him she was pregnant.
But there was no one else to raise Will should the need arise.
“All right, Will.” James closed the refrigerator door and sat on the floor beside his son. “I reckon it’s time to wake your mama.”
Will crawled into James’s lap, and the cowboy looked a little ill at ease as he held his son.
“I’m awake.”
Will rushed at her, his bare feet slapping against the wood floor. She released the door frame and scooped him up into her arms. He snuggled against her shoulder, quiet and content for the moment. “Hey, sweetie. Have you been good?”
With his head buried in the curve of her neck, Will nodded.
Kelly sensed James watching her and tried not to look at him but failed. The cowboy still had the knack of disarming her with nothing more than a glance—and that glance had her remembering the rumpled bed they had fallen into the third time they’d made love.
As if reading her mind, James’s heated gaze started at her feet and worked its way up, lingering here and there, making her pulse race and her temperature rise. His brown eyes darkened as they had that night—the night she had tried so hard to forget. But the memory of his unhurried touches and lingering kisses was forever seared in her mind.
Kelly stiffened. She didn’t want to recall the gentleness of his callused hands, the way she’d responded to his touch, or the way his mouth had ignited flames that had consumed her.
No. She absolutely refused to think of that night again, but how could she forget when James kept looking at her like that?
“I—I’m sorry I couldn’t stay awake,” she said. “Thanks for watching Will.”
James shrugged and pushed to his feet, his seductive eyes never leaving her. “After I shower, we’ll head into town for some breakfast. I’ve had all night to think about us and what happened—”
“There is no us, James. There never was,” she said, the lie bitter on her tongue. “It was just sex between consenting adults, that’s all. And only the one night.” Kelly was sickened by her deceit and tried to walk past him, but he blocked her path, his nearness making her heart pound. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to get Matilda out of the trailer and feed her.”
He touched her arm, then let his fingers trail down to her wrist, sending shock waves through her body. “We put her in the barn last night with my horses and went out earlier to feed the old nag. The boy seemed to get a kick out of that.”
“Thanks,” she said, cursing the wobble in her voice.
James watched her, his eyes clouding over like a summer storm. “I want answers, Kel. I don’t think you can convince me that what you did was right, but I’m willing to listen…after I shower.” James caught the front tails of his shirt and yanked. The snaps popped open, and as if drawn by a homing device, her gaze became riveted to his tanned chest and the dusting of dark hair.
“I’ll hurry,” he said as he strode past her and down the hall, his faded jeans caressing his backside with every fluid shift of his slender hips.
Her thoughts shattered. Kelly pulled a chair away from the table with a shaking hand and lowered herself, careful not to wake Will who had fallen asleep in her arms. She had convinced herself she would be immune to James’s blatant sexuality. Grabbing an envelope off the table to use as a fan, Kelly admitted she might have been wrong. Even though there were subtle differences in him, she had done the right thing by leaving. James was still too gorgeous for his own good. He oozed more sex appeal than should be legal. Still, he was Will’s father.
She cringed, knowing she shouldn’t blame everything on James. He couldn’t help how he looked or the way females threw themselves at him. She had watched him trying to put them off without hurting their feelings; he really was a good man. And living with James would be a sight better than having Will grow up in foster care with nothing but rejection and loneliness as his companions—if something happened to her.
She knew all about loneliness. It had sent her into James’s arms even though she’d seen him shy away from commitment with other women. After he’d made love to her, she had refused to cling to him the way some had tried. Unwilling to watch him withdraw emotionally from her, she had decided that for once in her life she wouldn’t be the one left behind and hurting. So, she’d done the only thing she could do—she’d left.
Kelly shifted Will on her lap and breathed in James’s scent that lingered on her son. Their son.
Odd she should be here now, seeking the aid of the fun-loving man she’d tried so hard to forget, but he was Will’s father. And she had no one else to turn to. Over her lifetime she’d made a lot of rules that she observed diligently. Coming back, speaking to James, meant breaking rules sixteen and seventeen, but there had been no other way. She couldn’t bear the thought of Will ending up alone. She wanted him to know James’s love.
Even if she never would.
Chapter Two
“Why didn’t you tell me?” James asked, leaning back in the cafe’ booth, the toes of his boots bumping against the other side. “I think I deserved to know.”
The hurt and anger raging inside him was directed at himself as much as Kelly. Not long after she’d left, he had tried to find her. He’d known nothing about her family. Maybe if he’d bothered to ask more questions about her past he might have found her. Maybe if he’d hired a private investigator after his own attempts had failed he would have known about his son.
“I know I made some mistakes and in the process hurt you and Will,” Kelly said, sounding defeated. “I can only say I struggled with my decision. I’m sorry, James, I never intended—”
“Sorry? Sorry is for forgetting to ask if I want onions on my hamburger. Sorry is for leaving the gate open and letting the mare out. But sorry doesn’t cut it with something as life changing as forgetting to tell me I have a son.”
She flinched as she finished pouring syrup over the child’s pancakes before placing the saucer on the high-chair tray. “You have every right to be angry with me.”
“You’re damned right I do.”
“No matter what you think, I really did struggle with whether or not to tell you.”
“For two years, Kel?”
“I wasn’t sure you would want to know.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Please don’t raise your voice. It upsets Will.”
When several customers looked their way, he focused on his clenched hands and counted to five. He noticed the child’s mouth quivered as if he might cry, but a comforting word from Kelly calmed him.
She met James’s gaze, lifting her coffee mug, clutching it until her knuckles turned white. “Not long after I returned to school, I began feeling awful. I got up sick and went to bed sick. I had to drop three classes to pull a decent grade in the others.”
“If you’d told me—”
“Please let me finish. I’m being honest with you and would like the same from you. If you had known, would you have come for me? Would you have married me and settled down?” she asked, her eyes filled with a deep sadness that tore at his insides. “And if you had done those things, would it have been because you wanted to or because you had to? And afterward would you have blamed me for ruining your life?”
He dragged a hand through his hair, not at all pleased with the conclusions she’d drawn, then and now. Maybe the only conclusions she could’ve drawn, considering his history with women. “Since you didn’t bother to tell me you were pregnant with my child, you know I don’t know what I would have done. But for that matter, neither do you.”
Kelly met his gaze. “James, you are a wonderful friend. My best friend…at least you used to be. In spite of what you might believe, I thought about this a long time before making up my mind. I didn’t think you would offer marriage, so I focused on Will.”
“Tell me the truth, Kel. Did you even consider what I’d want?”
“Do you think you could have made a life-long commitment to Will? I don’t mean dropping in once every year or so when you were passing through to a rodeo or hauling a horse to breed—but making planned trips to see him, only him. Being a father means making time, even if you miss your first ride at the next rodeo.”
“Whether I could have done that isn’t the issue here. You had no right to make that decision for me,” he said, no longer caring if other customers overheard.
“I realized not long ago that I’d been wrong to not tell you,” she said. “I can’t undo what I did or give you back the lost time with Will, but I can give you his future. I’m here for the summer so you can get to know your son.”
He wasn’t sure he’d heard her right, couldn’t figure out why she’d changed her mind. Until this moment blaming her had somewhat eased the stinging blow to his pride, but now the impact of her words hit him like the kick of a mare. Rather than rejoice that she had finally admitted to being wrong and was now allowing him to be Will’s father, he wondered whether he really could be a father. A good father.
His relationship with his own father was dismal at best. His dad barked orders, pointed out every mistake and expected James to jump like his troops on the military base. He’d always claimed he did it to make James better, stronger.
In spite of their inability to agree on anything, James called his dad every couple of weeks. Their conversations always ended in an argument. His father would point out that a real man would want to defend his country. James resented the not-too-subtle reminder that his dad believed him an irresponsible failure.
He watched Kelly help Will get a drink of milk. The boy fussed when she wiped his mouth with a moist towelette, using hands that were gentle yet strong, like the woman.
He had missed her, the friendship they’d shared, the way she had always supported him, believed in him without question. And he didn’t understand what had caused everything to get so messed up between them. “Kel, how can you have been so sure what I would have done back then, when I don’t know the answer myself? And what’s different now, that made you change your mind about me?”
Kelly tossed the used towelette on the table. “James, please.”
She pulled the tray out from the high chair and lifted Will into her lap. “I struggled and struggled with this from the beginning, wanting to tell you, hoping that maybe if you knew…”
“What?”
She bit her bottom lip. “I wanted to do the right thing for all of us—you, me and our child. I must have picked up the phone a million times.”
James frowned. He might have had a wild streak back then, but he wanted to think he would have taken care of his child. Sure, he’d always had to prove himself by riding the meanest bronc and the rankest bull, driving the fastest car and tossing back the most beer, but last year a bad spill in Fort Worth had made him realize he was jeopardizing his veterinary career. Now he only competed if someone needed a partner in team roping on weekends. Regardless, she ought to know he wasn’t completely without values.
“You should have called,” he said. “I would have come after you—”
“I did call.”
“When?”
“After Will’s birth.” Kelly nestled her cheek against the child’s head and cradled him in her arms, rocking back and forth as the boy’s hand caught hold of her braid, which had fallen over her shoulder.
“I don’t understand. I never got your message.” James couldn’t force himself to look away from their son playing with her hair. Memories of taking it down, running his hands through the thick mass and then, later, enjoying the feel of it across his chest distracted him.
“I didn’t leave a message. When I called, some woman answered.”
“A woman?”
“For all I knew, you had settled down with a live-in girlfriend or maybe even married. I didn’t want to complicate things for you, so I hung up.”
He frowned, trying to figure out who had answered his phone. “I’ve never had a woman living with me. When did you call?”
“May fifth at seven o’clock in the morning, two years ago.”
Realization dawned. “That was my baby sister, Lindsey.”
Kelly stilled. “Lindsey?”
“Yeah. She and her husband, Joe, and their two kids came for a visit. Joe had graduated from officer-candidate school at Fort Sill, Oklahoma, and been made into what we always called a ‘shake and bake’ officer. They stayed here a week, then made their way to Houston where they caught a flight to Germany for a four-year hitch in the Army.”
“I didn’t know. I assumed—”
“You were wrong.”
She cocked her head to the side. “I see that now, but it was a natural assumption.”
“How do you figure that?”
“James, you’re like the blue-light special at the grocery. You can’t blame me for believing that some woman shopping for a man had finally snapped you up.”
“Why shouldn’t I? You blamed me for something I didn’t do.” He didn’t like how she made him feel, as if he were responsible for the man-chasing rodeo groupies. A niggling doubt sprang into his mind, and while he couldn’t accept it, he found himself asking, “Is that why you stayed with me that night? To see if you could snap me up?”
Her eyes widened. “Do you really believe I’d do that just to see if I could succeed where others had failed?”
He shrugged, his shoulders stiff.
“If you have to ask, it means you don’t know me at all,” she said.
“That’s the problem, Kel. I’m only now finding out I didn’t know you at all.”
Kelly shot him an exasperated look. “How can you say that?”
“Why did you do it, then? Were you using me to make someone else jealous?”
She stared at him a long time, and when he didn’t think he could stand the pain in her eyes any longer, she whispered, “No.”
Relief surged through him. He leaned his elbows on the table, admitting to himself that why she’d gone to his bed didn’t really matter now. It was in the past. His personal history had taught him to let go of things he couldn’t change, but he couldn’t easily dismiss what she had done.
James took a drink of coffee and remembered something she’d said. “You mentioned the rodeo a while ago. I know you’ve never really cared much for that part of my life. Did that have anything to do—”
“No. I didn’t used to like you to compete because of the risks you took. You could have been injured or worse.”
He didn’t plan to tell her an injury is what had made him quit. “I don’t have time for much of anything except the clinic now.”
“James, I know you’re really mad at me, but I’d like you to do me a favor. I was talking about priorities and whether you’d be able to make a commitment to Will. I’d like you to think about that and then answer it. Not for me, but for yourself. Answer it truthfully. Regardless of what you think, I didn’t come back to take potshots at you. Nothing would make me happier than to discover I’d misjudged you.”
She was right. The admission was like a burr under his saddle. She had based her decisions on what was best for Will, and he needed to do the same, but it was damned hard whenever Kelly was close at hand. He reacted to her nearness even while clinging to his hurt pride.
Her mentioning his need to avoid commitment opened old wounds he hadn’t allowed himself to think about for years. Although hidden deep inside, they were still raw and hurting even after all this time.
James swallowed past the ache that threatened to choke him. “You were wrong about me, about everything. I can be a good father. In fact, I intend to prove it now.”
James walked from the barn, still stinging from his conversation with Kelly earlier that morning. He heard the rattle of her truck as it bounced over the ruts in his drive. By the time he had made it to the front of the house, she was lifting Will from his car seat. “Did you find an apartment for the summer?” he called.
“Nothing I’d consider,” Kelly said, pushing back several strands of hair that had worked loose from her braid and blown across her face. “Since I’m still paying rent to keep my apartment in College Station I can’t afford much. There are plenty of cheap places if I want to live with roaches or rats. I’m kind of strange about sharing my living space.”
He caught the diaper bag from the back of her truck and, ignoring Kelly’s protests, lifted Will from her arms. “Here, let me help. You look as if you’re about to fall down. You should have let me go with you.”
She turned to look at him. “As you pointed out earlier, you have work to do, and I’m not helpless.”
He noticed again the shadows beneath her eyes and wished he’d kept his mouth shut about the chores he had to do. Yeah, he had a schedule to keep, but his refusal to accompany her had come more from the blow to his pride. He still couldn’t believe she thought he would have turned his back on his son.
Knowing she hadn’t needed him was hard to accept. But she had always been self-sufficient to the point of needing no one, something that used to bother him. It still did.
“Of all people you should know I don’t think you’re helpless, but little Will here is a chunk,” he said. “I’m here now, so let me help.”
“Okay,” she said, turning away, but not before he saw the worry and something that resembled remorse in her eyes. He shouldn’t want to comfort her, but he did. And that aggravated him almost as much as the realization that he hadn’t known her the way he’d once thought he had. But then, she’d always been content to sit and listen to him. He doubted there was anything about him she didn’t know. Only now did he realize she’d seldom talked about herself. The things he did know about her, he’d learned from years of observation.
“If I’m supposed to bond with Will, it makes sense for you both to stay here with me,” he said. “After all, it’s only for the summer.”
That statement earned him a frown from her. He didn’t care whether she liked it or not. He had every intention of spending time with his son, no matter what she wanted.
Kelly climbed the steps to his porch, her feet dragging. “You know I can’t do that.”
“Why?” James followed her, trying not to notice the gentle sway of her jean-clad hips. He opened the screen door and held it while she stepped inside, then cursed himself for watching her cross the room.
About the time sweat began to pop out on his forehead, she turned back to face him. “You don’t need us underfoot all the time. You know I’d drive you crazy.”
She had a point. She was driving him crazy now—he was insane with a need for her, a need to kiss that mouth.
He watched her, noticing she avoided looking him in the eye. “Bull. I tolerated you just fine before.”
“That was at work. You’re not used to having extra people around your house. I think it’s best—”
“Best? For who? You?”
“For Will, of course. Everything I do is for him.”
“I hope you’re buying that lame excuse, Kel, because I’m sure not.”
He knew why she didn’t want to stay, and it had nothing at all to do with inconveniencing him. She obviously didn’t think he’d be a good example for the boy. A sudden feeling of inadequacy filled him, replaced in an instant with anger that had been smoldering, barely under control, since that morning. “You’re using all these convenient excuses same as when you made your decision not to tell me about Will.”
His tone made Will pucker up to cry.
“Aw, hell,” James muttered.
Kelly shot James a dirty look as she took Will and lifted him to her shoulder. She calmed the child with quiet words and loving pats on his back that distracted James.
When the boy had stopped crying, Kelly squared off across from James. “What did you mean excuses?”
“Come off it, Kel. You know exactly what I meant. You think I’ll have him chewing tobacco and chasing women by the time he’s three.” James kept his voice low, but didn’t know how he’d managed it, because his insides churned.
Her eyes blazed as she stared at him. “I think I’d better leave. This isn’t getting us anywhere. If it’s all right with you, I’d like to keep Matilda here until I can find a place to board her. I’ve got some feed in the trailer, but will pay you—”
James tore his fingers through his hair. “Don’t do this, Kel.”
“I think we’ve proven we can’t be in the same room without sparks flying. We both need to cool down. I’ve already done several things I swore not to do. I won’t make an already difficult situation worse.” She caught the strap of the diaper bag and lifted it over her shoulder.
“Where are you going?” James asked, knowing he shouldn’t care. But he did.
“To get a room at a motel.” She headed out the door toward her truck.
He wanted to stop her, pull her into his arms and hold her. It made no sense at all, but nothing ever had, not where Kelly was concerned. Swearing under his breath, he followed her. “Will you call and let me know where I can reach you?”
“I want to visit Cal and meet his new wife, so I’ll drop by the clinic sometime tomorrow.” She hooked Will in his car seat and hurried around the rusted-out truck.
Unable to watch her go, James strode after her and caught the door just before she closed it. “Kel, wait. Can’t we talk?”
She swallowed hard and looked out the windshield. “I don’t know if that would help.”
“I’m here now, willing to listen. What do you say we give it a try?”
“I’m too tired to talk today,” she said.
“At least let me know what motel you’re at.” He finally let her slam the door.
With a lingering glance in his direction, Kelly started the pickup and backed down his driveway.
James stood there long after she’d disappeared around the curve in the road. He thought about all the things she’d said today and found he didn’t much like what he’d heard or the way he saw himself through her eyes.
It had been a long time since James had felt this out of sorts. He shouldn’t care about Kelly’s plans for his son’s future or that they didn’t seem to include him; he hadn’t even known about the boy until twenty-one hours ago. The fact that he worried about her at all irritated him almost as much as his inexplicable need to be with his son…and Kelly.
He headed toward his truck, cursing the vision of her that suddenly filled his head. Maybe several beers would help him forget how good she looked and her enticing scent. He doubted it would.
He needed to forget that while struggling to bring his child into this world, Kelly had found suffering alone preferable to leaning on him.
Kelly locked the motel door and slid the chain in place. She didn’t like the room or the location of the motel, but after stopping at five others that were full because of the rodeo in town that weekend, she would have to make do. Her only other option was to stay with James. She didn’t know if she could do that without slipping up and letting him see how much she still cared.