The Middle-Class Gentleman
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PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Yes.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What does it say, this morality?
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: It treats of happiness, teaches men to moderate their passions, and …
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, let's leave that. I'm as choleric as all the devils and there's no morality that sticks, I want to be as full of anger as I want whenever I like.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Would you like to learn physics?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What's it about, this physics?
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Physics explains the principles of natural things and the properties of the material world; it discourses on the nature of the elements, of metals, minerals, of stones, of plants and animals, and teaches the causes of all the meteors, the rainbow, the will o' the wisps, the comets, lightning, thunder, thunderbolts, rain, snow, hail, winds, and whirlwinds.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There's too much commotion in it, too much confusion.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Then what do you want me to teach you?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Teach me how to spell.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Very gladly.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Afterwards, you may teach me the almanack, to know when there is a moon and when not.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: So be it. Following your thought and treating this matter as a philosopher, it is necessary to begin according to the order of things, by an exact knowledge of the nature of letters and the different ways of pronouncing them all. And thereupon I must tell you letters are divided into vowels, called vowels because they express the voice; and into consonants because they sound with the vowels and only mark the diverse articulations of the voice. There are five vowels or voices: A, E, I, O, U.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I understand all that.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The vowel A is formed by opening the mouth widely: A. Its vowels are to be given the sounds used in vocalizing: Ah-aye-ee-o-ou.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: A, A. Yes.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The vowel E is formed by approaching the lower jaw to the upper: A, E.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: A, E; A, E. By my faith, yes. Ah! How fine!
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: And the vowel I, by bringing the jaws still nearer each other and stretching the two corners of the mouth towards the ears: A, E, I.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: A, E, I. I. I. I. That's true. Long live science!
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The vowel O is formed by opening the jaws and drawing together the two corners of the lips, upper and lower: O.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: O, O. There's nothing truer. A, E, I, O,I, O… That's admirable! I, O, I, O.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The opening of the mouth happens to make a little circle which represents an O.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: O, O, O. You are right! O. Ah! What a fine thing it is to know something!
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The vowel U is formed by bringing the teeth nearly together without completely joining them, and thrusting the two lips outward, also bringing them nearly together without completely joining them: U.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: U, U. There's nothing truer. U.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Your two lips thrust out as if you were making a face, whence it results that if you want to make a face at someone and mock him, you have only to say to him "U."
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: U, U. That's true. Ah! Why didn't I study sooner in order to know all that!
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Tomorrow we shall look at the other letters, which are the consonants.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Are there things as curious about them as about these?
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Without a doubt. The consonant D, for example, is pronounced by clapping the tongue above the upper teeth: D.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: D, D, Yes. Ah! What fine things! Fine things!
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The F, by pressing the upper teeth against the lower lip: F.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: F, F. That's the truth. Ah! My father and my mother, how I wish you ill!
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: And the R, by carrying the tip of the tongue to the top of the palate, so that being grazed by the air that comes out with force, it yields to it and comes back always to the same place, making a kind of trill: R. AR.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: R, R, AR. R, R, R, R, R, RA. That's true. Ah! What a clever man you are! And how I have lost time! R, R, R, AR.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: I'll explain to you all these strange things to their very depths.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Please do. But now, I must confide in you. I'm in love with a lady of great quality, and I wish that you would help me write something to her in a little note that I will let fall at her feet.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Very well.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That will be gallant, yes?
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Without doubt. Is it verse that you wish to write her?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, no. No verse.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Do you want only prose?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, I don't want either prose or verse.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: It must be one or the other.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Why?
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Because, sir, there is no other way to express oneself than with prose or verse.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: There is nothing but prose or verse?
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: No, sir, everything that is not prose is verse, and everything that is not verse is prose.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: And when one speaks, what is that then?
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Prose.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What! When I say, "Nicole, bring me my slippers, and give me my nightcap," that's prose?
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Yes, Sir.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: By my faith! For more than forty years I have been speaking prose without knowing anything about it, and I am much obliged to you for having taught me that. I would like then to put into a note to her: "Beautiful marchioness, your lovely eyes make me die of love," but I want that put in a gallant manner and be nicely turned.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: Put it that the fires of her eyes reduce your heart to cinders; that you suffer night and day for her the torments of a..
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, no, no. I want none of that; I only want you to say "Beautiful marchioness, your lovely eyes make me die of love."
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The thing requires a little lengthening.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, I tell you, I want only those words in the note, but turned stylishly, well arranged, as is necessary. Please tell me, just to see, the diverse ways they could be put.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: One could put them first of all as you said them: "Beautiful marchioness, your lovely eyes make me die of love." Or else: "Of love to die make me, beautiful marchioness, your beautiful eyes." Or else: "Your lovely eyes, of love make me, beautiful marchioness, die." Or else: "Die, your lovely eyes, beautiful marchioness, of love make me." Or else: "Me make your lovely eyes die, beautiful marchioness, of love."
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: But, of all those ways, which is the best?
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: The way you said it: "Beautiful marchioness, your lovely eyes make me die of love."
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I never studied, and yet I made the whole thing up at the first try. I thank you with all my heart, and I ask you to come tomorrow early.
PHILOSOPHY MASTER: I shall not fail to do so. (He leaves).
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What? Hasn't my suit come yet?
THE LACKEY: No, Sir.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That cursed tailor makes me wait all day when I have so much to do! I'm enraged. May the quartan fever shake that tormentor of a tailor! To the devil with the tailor! May the plague choke the tailor! If I had him here now, that detestable tailor, that dog of a tailor, that traitor of a tailor, I..
SCENE V (Master Tailor, Apprentice Tailor carrying suit, Monsieur Jourdain, Lackeys)
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Ah! You're here! I was getting into a rage against you.
MASTER TAILOR: I could not come sooner, and I put twenty men to work on your suit.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You sent me some silk hose so small that I had all the difficulty in the world putting them on, and already there are two broken stitches.
MASTER TAILOR: They get bigger, too much so.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, if I always break the stitches. You also had made for me a pair of shoes that pinch furiously.
MASTER TAILOR: Not at all, sir.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: How, not at all!
MASTER TAILOR: No, they don't pinch you at all.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I tell you, they pinch me.
MASTER TAILOR: You imagine that.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I imagine it because I feel it. That's a good reason for you!
MASTER TAILOR: Wait, here is the finest court-suit, and the best matched. It's a masterpiece to have invented a serious suit that is not black. And I give six attempts to the best tailors to equal it.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What's this? You've put the flowers upside down.
MASTER TAILOR: You didn't tell me you wanted them right side up.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Did I have to tell you that?
MASTER TAILOR: Yes, surely. All the people of quality wear them this way.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: The people of quality wear the flowers upside down?
MASTER TAILOR: Yes, Sir.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh! It's alright then.
MASTER TAILOR: If you like, I'll put them right side up.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, no.
MASTER TAILOR: You have only to say so.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, I tell you. You've made it very well. Do you think the suit is going to look good on me?
MASTER TAILOR: What a question! I defy a painter with his brush to do anything that would fit you better. I have a worker in my place who is the greatest genius in the world at mounting a rhinegrave, and another who is the hero of the age at assembling a doublet.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: The perruque and the plumes: are they correct?
MASTER TAILOR: Everything's good.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (Looking at the tailor's suit) Ah! Ah! Monsieur Tailor, here's the material from the last suit you made for me. I know it well.
MASTER TAILOR: You see, the material seemed so fine that I wanted a suit made of it for myself.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, but you should not have cut it out of mine.
MASTER TAILOR: Do you want to put on your suit?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, give it to me.
MASTER TAILOR: Wait. That's not the way it's done. I have brought men to dress you in a cadence; these kinds of suits are put on with ceremony. Hey there! Come in, you! Put this suit on the gentleman the way you do with people of quality.
(Four APPRENTICE TAILORS enter, two of them pull off Monsieur Jourdain's breeches made for his morning exercises, and two others pull off his waistcoat; then they put on his new suit; Monsieur Jourdain promenades among them and shows them his suit for their approval. All this to the cadence of instrumental music.)
APPRENTICE TAILOR: My dear gentleman, please to give the apprentices a small tip.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What did you call me?
APPRENTICE TAILOR: My dear gentleman.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: My dear gentleman! That's what it is to dress like people of quality! Go all your life dressed like a bourgeois and they'll never call you "My dear gentleman." Here, take this for the "My dear gentleman."
APPRENTICE TAILOR: My Lord, we are very much obliged to you.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: "My Lord!" Oh! Oh! "My Lord!" Wait, my friend. "My Lord" deserves something, and it's not a little word, this "My Lord." Take this. That's what "My Lord" gives you.
APPRENTICE TAILOR: My Lord, we will drink to the health of Your Grace.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: "Your Grace!" Oh! Oh! Oh! Wait, don't go. To me, "Your Grace!" My faith, if he goes as far as "Highness," he will have all my purse. Wait. That's for "My Grace."
APPRENTICE TAILOR: My Lord, we thank you very humbly for your liberality.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: He did well, I was going to give him everything.
(The four Apprentice Tailors celebrate with a dance, which comprises the Second Interlude.)
ACT THREE
SCENE I (Monsieur Jourdain and his two Lackeys)
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Follow me, I am going to show off my clothes a little about town. And above all both of you take care to walk close at my heels, so people can see that you are with me.
LACKEYS: Yes, Sir.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Call Nicole for me, so I can give her some orders. Don't bother, there she is.
SCENE II (Nicole, Monsieur Jourdain, two Lackeys)
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Nicole!
NICOLE: Yes, sir?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Listen.
NICOLE: He, he, he, he, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What are you laughing about?
NICOLE: He, he, he, he, he, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What does the hussy mean by this?
NICOLE: He, he, he! Oh, how you are got up! He, he, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: How's that?
NICOLE: Ah! Ah! Oh Lord! He, he, he, he, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What kind of little baggage is this? Are you mocking me?
NICOLE: Certainly not, sir, I should be very sorry to do so. He, he, he, he, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'll give you a smack on the nose if you go on laughing.
NICOLE: Sir, I can't help it. He, he, he, he, he, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You are not going to stop?
NICOLE: Sir, I beg pardon. But you are so funny that I couldn't help laughing. He, he, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What insolence!
NICOLE: You're so funny like that. He, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'll..
NICOLE: Please excuse me. He, he, he, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Listen. If you go on laughing the least bit, I swear I'll give you the biggest slap ever given.
NICOLE: Alright, sir, it's done, I won't laugh any more.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Take good care not to. Presently you must clean..
NICOLE: He, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You must clean..
NICOLE: He, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You must, I say, clean the room and..
NICOLE: He, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Again!
NICOLE: (Falling down with laughter) Then beat me sir, and let me have my laugh out, it will do me more good. He, he, he, he, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'm furious.
NICOLE: Have mercy, sir! I beg you to let me laugh. He, he, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: If I catch you..
NICOLE: Sir! I shall burst.. Oh! if I don't laugh. He, he, he!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: But did anyone ever see such a hussy as that, who laughs in my face instead of receiving my, orders?
NICOLE: What would you have me do, sir?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: That you consider getting my house ready for the company that's coming soon, you hussy.
NICOLE: Ah, by my faith, I don't feel like laughing any more. All your guests make such a disorder here that the word "company" is enough to put me in a bad humor.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Why, should I shut my door to everyone for your sake?
NICOLE: You should at least shut it to some people.
SCENE III (Madame Jourdain, Monsieur Jourdain, Nicole, Lackeys)
MADAME JOURDAIN: Ah, ah! Here's a new story! What's this, what's this, husband, this outfit you have on there? Don't you care what people think of you when you are got up like that? And do you want yourself laughed at everywhere?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: None but fools and dolts will laugh at me wife.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Truly, they haven't waited until now, your antics have long given a laugh to everyone.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Who's everyone, if you please?
MADAME JOURDAIN: Everyone is everyone who is right and who is wiser than you. For my part, I am scandalized at the life you lead. I no longer recognize our house. One would say it's the beginning of Carnival here, every day; and beginning early in the morning, so it won't be forgotten, one hears nothing but the racket of fiddles and singers which disturbs the whole neighborhood.
NICOLE: Madame speaks well. I'll never be able to get my housework done properly with that gang you have come here. They have feet that hunt for mud in every part of town to bring it here; and poor Françoise almost has her teeth on the floor, scrubbing the boards that your fine masters come to dirty up every day.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What, our servant Nicole, you have quite a tongue for a peasant.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Nicole is right, and she has more sense than you. I'd like to know what you think you're going to do with a Dancing Master, at your age?
NICOLE: And with a hulking Fencing Master who comes stamping his feet, shaking the whole house and tearing up all the floorboards in our drawing-room.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Be quiet, both servant and wife!
MADAME JOURDAIN: Is it that you're learning to dance for the time when you'll have no legs to dance on?
NICOLE: Do you want to kill someone?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Quiet, I tell you! You are ignorant women, both of you, and you don't know the advantages of all this.
MADAME JOURDAIN: You should instead be thinking of marrying off your daughter, who is of an age to be provided for.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'll think of marrying off my daughter when a suitable match comes along, but I also want to learn about fine things.
NICOLE: I heard said, Madame, that today he took a Philosophy Master to thicken the soup!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Very well. I have a wish to have wit and to reason about things with decent people.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Don't you intend, one of these days, to go to school and have yourself whipped at your age?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Why not? Would to God I were whipped this minute in front of everyone, if I only knew what they learn at school!
NICOLE: Yes, my faith! That would get you into better shape.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Without doubt.
MADAME JOURDAIN: All this is very important to the management of your house.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Assuredly. You both talk like beasts, and I'm ashamed of your ignorance. For example, do you know what are you speaking just now?
MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes, I know that what I'm saying is well said and that you ought to be considering living in another way.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'm not talking about that. I'm asking if you know what the words are that you are saying here?
MADAME JOURDAIN: They are words that are very sensible, and your conduct is scarcely so.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: I'm not talking about that, I tell you. I'm asking you: what is it that I'm speaking to you this minute, what is it?
MADAME JOURDAIN: Nonsense.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: No, no! That's not it. What is it we are both saying, what language is it that we are speaking right now?
MADAME JOURDAIN: Well?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What is it called?
MADAME JOURDAIN: It's called whatever you want.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: It's prose, you ignorant creature.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Prose?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, prose. Everything is prose that is not verse; and everything that's not verse is prose. There! This is what it is to study! And you (to Nicole), do you know what you must do to say U?
NICOLE: What?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Say U, in order to see.
NICOLE: Oh Well, U.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: What do you do?
NICOLE: I say U.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, but, when you say U, what do you do?
NICOLE: I do what you tell me to.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Oh, how strange it is to have to deal with morons! You thrust your lips out and bring your lower jaw to your upper jaw: U, see? U. Do you see? I make a pout: U.
NICOLE: Yes, that's beautiful.
MADAME JOURDAIN: How admirable.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: But it's quite another thing, if you have seen O, and D, D, and F, F.
MADAME JOURDAIN: What is all this rigmarole?
NICOLE: What does all this do for us?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: It enrages me when I see these ignorant women.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Go, go, you ought to send all those people packing with their foolishness.
NICOLE: And above all, that great gawk of a Fencing Master, who ruins all my work with dust.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Well! This Fencing Master seems to get under your skin. I'll soon show you how impertinent you are.(He has the foils brought and gives one to Nicole). There. Demonstration: The line of the body. When your opponent thrusts in quarte, you need only do this, and when they thrust in tierce, you need only do this. That is the way never to be killed, and isn't it fine to be assured of what one does, when fighting against someone? There, thrust at me a little, to see.
NICOLE: Well then, what? (Nicole thrusts, giving him several hits).
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Easy! Wait! Oh! Gently! Devil take the hussy!
NICOLE: You told me to thrust.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Yes, but you thrust in tierce, before you thrust in quarte, and you didn't have the patience to let me parry.
MADAME JOURDAIN: You are a fool, husband, with all your fantasies, and this has come to you since you took a notion to associate with the nobility.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: When I associate with the nobility, I show my good judgment; and that's better than associating with your shopkeepers.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Oh yes, truly! There's a great deal to gain by consorting with your nobles, and you did so well with your fine Count you were so taken with!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Peace! Think what you're saying. You know very well, wife, that you don't know who you're talking about, when you talk about him! He's a more important person than you think: a great Lord, respected at court, and who talks to the King just as I talk to you. Is it not a thing which does me great honor, that a person of this quality is seen to come so often to my house, who calls me his dear friend and treats me as if I were his equal? He has more regard for me than one would ever imagine; and, in front of everyone, he shows me so much affection that I am embarrassed myself.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes, he has a kindness for you, and shows his affection, but he borrows your money.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: So! Isn't it an honor for me to lend money to a man of that condition? And can I do less for a lord who calls me his dear friend?
MADAME JOURDAIN: And this lord, what does he do for you?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Things that would astonish you if you knew them.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Like what?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Blast! I cannot explain myself. It must suffice that if I have lent him money, he'll pay it back fully, and before long.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes. You are waiting for that.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Assuredly. Didn't he tell me so?
MADAME JOURDAIN: Yes, yes, he won't fail to do it.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: He swore it on the faith of a gentleman.
MADAME JOURDAIN: Nonsense!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Well! You are very obstinate, wife. I tell you he will keep his word, I'm sure of it.
MADAME JOURDAIN: And I'm sure he will not, and that all his show of affection is only to flatter you.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Be still. Here he is.
MADAME JOURDAIN: That's all we needed! He's come again perhaps to borrow something from you. The very sight of him spoils my appetite.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Be still, I tell you.
SCENE IV (Count Dorante, Monsieur Jourdain, Madame Jourdain, Nicole)
DORANTE: My dear friend, Monsieur Jourdain, how do you do?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Very well, sir, to render you my small services.
DORANTE: And Madame Jourdain there, how is she?
MADAME JOURDAIN: Madame Jourdain is as well as she can be.
DORANTE: Well! Monsieur Jourdain, you are excellently well dressed!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You see.
DORANTE: You have a fine air in that suit, and we have no young men at court who are better made than you.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Well! well!
MADAME JOURDAIN: (Aside) He scratches him where it itches.
DORANTE: Turn around. It's positively elegant.
MADAME JOURDAIN: (Aside) Yes, as big a fool behind as in front.
DORANTE: My faith, Monsieur Jourdain, I was strangely impatient to see you. You are the man in the world I esteem most, and I was speaking of you again this morning in the bedchamber of the King.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: You do me great honor, sir. (To Madame Jourdain) In the King's bedchamber!
DORANTE: Come, put on..
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Sir, I know the respect I owe you.
DORANTE: Heavens! Put on your hat; I pray you, no ceremony between us.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Sir..
DORANTE: Put it on, I tell you, Monsieur Jourdain: you are my friend.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: Sir, I am your humble servant.
DORANTE: I won't be covered if you won't.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN: (Putting on his hat) I would rather be uncivil than troublesome.