The Shopkeeper Turned Gentleman

SCENE I.

– MRS. JOURDAIN, MR. JOURDAIN.

MRS. JOUR. Goodness gracious me! Lord, have mercy on us! What can this be? What a figure! Is it a momon [Footnote: Apparently there is no English equivalent to momon in this sense.] you have in hand, and is this carnival time? Do speak! What does all this mean? Who trussed you up in this manner?

MR. JOUR. Just see the impertinent woman, to speak after such a manner to a mamamouchi.

MRS. JOUR. What do you say?

MR. JOUR. Yes, you must show me respect now; I have just been made a mamamouchi.

MRS. JOUR. What can you possibly mean with your mamamouchi?

MR. JOUR. Mamamouchi, I tell you; I am a mamamouchi.

MRS. JOUR. What kind of a beast is that?

MR. JOUR. Mamamouchi; which in our language means paladin.

MRS. JOUR. Ballet in? Are you of an age to be dancing ballets?

MR. JOUR. What an ignorant woman you are! I say "paladin," which is a dignity which has just been conferred upon me with all due ceremony.

MRS. JOUR. What ceremony?

MR. JOUR. Mahameta per Jordina.

MRS. JOUR. What does that mean?

MR. JOUR. Jordina, that is to say Jourdain.

MRS. JOUR. Well? What, Jourdain?

MR. JOUR. Voler far un paladina de Jordina.

MRS. JOUR. What?

MR. JOUR. Dar turbanta con galera.

MRS. JOUR. What does that mean?

MR. JOUR. Per deffender Palestina.

MRS. JOUR. Tell me what you mean then.

MR. JOUR. Dara, dara bastonnara.

MRS. JOUR. What is all this jargon?

MR. JOUR. Non tener honta, questa star l'ultima affronta.

MRS. JOUR. Whatever is all this?

MR. JOUR. (singing and dancing). Hou la ba, ba la chow, ba la ba, ba la da. (Falls to the ground.)

MRS. JOUR. Alas, alas! my husband is gone out of his mind.

MR. JOUR. (getting up and walking off). Peace! Show respect to the mamamouchi.

MRS. JOUR. (alone). Where can he have lost his senses? I must run after him and prevent him from going out! (Seeing DORIMÈNE and DORANTE.) Oh dear! Oh dear! Here's the last straw! I see nothing but trouble and disgrace everywhere!

SCENE II.

– DORANTE, DORIMÈNE.

DOR. Yes, Madam, it is the most amusing thing that you ever saw, and I do not think that there is in the whole world a man as, crazy as this one. Moreover, we must try to help Cléonte and back up his masquerade. He is a most excellent fellow, and one who deserves all your interest.

DORI. I have the greatest esteem for him, and he is worthy of all success.

DOR. We also have here, Madam, a ballet due to us. We must not miss it, for I should be glad to see if my idea succeeds.

DORI. I saw magnificent preparations yonder; and this is a state of things, Dorante, with which I can bear no longer. Yes, I must put an end to your profusion; and in order to cut short all the expenses I see you run into for me, I have decided upon marrying you as soon as possible. This is the real secret of my decision; all these things, as you know, end ever in matrimony.

DOR. Ah, Madam, is it possible that you should have come to such a kind determination in my favour?

DORI. It is only to prevent you from ruining yourself, for, if I am not quick, I clearly see that before long you will not have a penny left.

DOR. What thanks I owe you for your anxiety about my fortune! That and my heart are entirely yours, and you can dispose of both as shall seem good to you.

DORI. I will make a right use of both. But here is our man coming.

What an admirable figure!

SCENE III.

– MR. JOURDAIN, DORIMÈNE, DORANTE.

DOR. Sir, we have both come to do homage to your new dignity, and to rejoice with you over the marriage of your daughter with the son of the Grand Turk.

MR. JOUR. (after bowing in the Turkish manner). Sir, I wish you the strength of the serpent, and the wisdom of the lion.

DORI. I am very glad to be one of the first, Sir, to come and congratulate you on the high degree of glory to which you are raised.

MR. JOUR. Madam, may your rose-tree bloom all the year round. I am infinitely obliged to you for interesting yourself in the honour just bestowed upon me; and I am greatly rejoiced to see you back here, so that I may tender to you my most humble apologies for the extraordinary conduct of my wife.

DORI. Don't speak about it. I excuse in her such a momentary impulse; your heart ought to be very precious to her; and it is not to be wondered at that the possession of such a man as you are may cause her some alarm.

MR. JOUR. The possession of my heart is a thing you have altogether acquired.

DOR. You see, Madam, that Mr. Jourdain is not one of those whom prosperity blinds, and that, even in his elevation, he knows how to recognise his friends.

DORI. It is the proof of a truly generous soul.

DOR. Where can his Turkish highness be? We should like, as your friends, to pay our homage to him.

MR. JOUR. Here he is coming, and I sent for my daughter to give him her hand.

SCENE IV.

– MR. JOURDAIN, DORIMÈNE, DORANTE, CLÉONTE (dressed as a Turk).

DORI. (to CLÉONTE). Sir, we come, as friends of your father-in-law, to salute your highness, and to assure you with all respect of our most humble services.

MR. JOUR. Where is the interpreter, to tell him who you are, and to make him understand what you say? You shall see that he will answer you, and he speaks Turkish wonderfully well. Holla, here! where the deuce is he gone? (To CLÉONTE) Strouf strif, strof, straf. This gentleman is a grande segnore, grande segnore, grande segnore; and this lady a granda dama, granda dama. (Seeing that he is not understood) Ah! (To CLÉONTE, showing him DORANTE) This gentleman is a French mamamouchi, and the lady she is a French mamamouchess. I cannot explain myself more clearly. Good! Here is the interpreter.

SCENE V.

– MR. JOURDAIN, DORIMÈNE, DORANTE, CLÉONTE (dressed as a Turk); COVIELLE (disguised).

MR. JOUR. Where are you going, then? You know that we can say nothing without you. (Showing CLÉONTE.) Just tell him that this gentleman and this lady are people of very high rank, who have come to pay their homage to him, as friends of mine, and to assure him of their services. (To DORIMÈNE and DORANTE) You will see how he will answer.

COV. Alabala crociam acci boram alabamen.

CLE. Catalequi tubal ouria soter amalouchan.

MR. JOUR. (to DORIMÈNE and DORANTE). Do you see?

COV. He says, "May the rain of prosperity water at all times the garden of your family."

MR. JOUR. I told you that he spoke Turkish.

DOR. This is admirable.

SCENE VI.

– LUCILE, CLÉONTE, MR. JOURDAIN, DORIMÈNE, DORANTE, COVIELLE.

MR. JOUR. Come, my daughter; come near, and give your hand to this gentleman, who does you the honour of asking you in marriage.

LUC. Why, father, how strangely dressed you are! Are you acting a comedy?

MR. JOUR. No, no; it is no comedy, but a very serious affair, and the most honourable for you that could ever be wished for. (Showing CLÉONTE.) Here is the husband I bestow upon you.

LUC. Bestow upon me, father?

MR. JOUR. Yes, upon you. There, give him your hand, and thank heaven for your good fortune.

LUC. I have no wish to marry.

MR. JOUR. It is all very well, but I wish it; I who am your father.

LUC. I will do nothing of the kind.

MR. JOUR. Ah! what a noise! Come, I say, give him your hand.

LUC. No, father; I told you already that no power upon earth will force me to marry any other but Cléonte; and I would have recourse to any extremity rather than… (Recognising CLÉONTE.) But it is true that you are my father, and that I owe you absolute obedience; dispose of me, then, according to your will.

MR. JOUR. Truly, I am delighted to see you return so quickly to a sense of your duty; and it is a pleasure to me to have such an obedient daughter.

SCENE VII.

– MRS. JOURDAIN. CLÉONTE, MR. JOURDAIN, LUCILE, DORANTE, DORIMÈNE, COVIELLE.

MRS JOUR. What is it? What is the meaning of all this? They say you want to give your daughter in marriage to a mummer.

MR. JOUR. Will you be silent? You always come and disturb everything with your follies; and there is no possibility of teaching you how to behave yourself.

MRS. JOUR. It is because there is no possibility of making you wise; and you go from folly to folly. What are your intentions? and what do you mean to do with all this assembly of people?

MR. JOUR. I wish to marry my daughter to the son of the Grand Turk.

MRS. JOUR. To the son of the Grand Turk?

MR. JOUR. (showing COVIELLE). Yes; ask the interpreter to present your compliments to him from you.

MRS. JOUR. I have no need of an interpreter, and I can tell him myself easily to his face that he shall not have my daughter.

MR. JOUR. Will you be silent? I ask once more.

DOR. What! Mrs. Jourdain, you oppose yourself to such an honour as this? You refuse his Turkish highness for a son-in-law?

MRS. JOUR. Good gracious, Sir! Mind your own business, if you please.

DORI. It is an honour by no means to be rejected.

MRS. JOUR. I pray you also not to trouble yourself with that which is no concern of yours.

DOR. It is the friendship we have for you which makes us interest ourselves in your welfare.

MRS. JOUR. I can do very well without your friendship.

DOR. You see that your daughter yields to her father's will.

MRS. JOUR. My daughter consents to marry a Turk?

DOR. Certainly.

MRS. JOUR. She can forget Cléonte?

DOR. What will not one do to be a grand lady?

MRS. JOUR. I would strangle her with my own hands if she had done such a thing.

MR. JOUR. Too much prating by half! I tell you the marriage shall take place.

MRS. JOUR. And I tell you that it shan't.

MR. JOUR. Ah! what a row!

LUC. Mother!

MRS. JOUR. Leave me alone, you are a bad girl.

MR. JOUR. (to MRS. JOURDAIN). What! you scold her because she is obedient to me?

MRS. JOUR. Certainly; she belongs to me as much as she belongs to you.

COV. (to MRS. JOURDAIN). Madam.

MRS. JOUR. What business have you to speak to me, you?

COV. One word.

MRS. JOUR. I'll have nothing to do with your word.

COV. (to MR. JOURDAIN). Sir, if she will only listen to a word in private, I promise you to make her consent to all you want.

MRS. JOUR. I will never consent to it.

COV. Only hear me.

MRS. JOUR. No.

MR. JOUR. (to MRS. JOURDAIN). Hear him.

MRS. JOUR. No; I will not hear him.

MR. JOUR. He will tell you…

MRS. JOUR. I don't want him to tell me anything.

MR. JOUR. Did ever anybody see such obstinacy in a woman! Would it hurt you to hear him?

COV. Only listen to me; you may do what you please afterwards.

MRS. JOUR. Well, what?

COV. (aside, to MRS. JOURDAIN). We have made signs to you for the last hour. Do you not see that all this is done to fit in with the fancies of your husband? that we are imposing upon him under this disguise, and that it is Cléonte himself who is the son of the Grand Turk?

MRS. JOUR. (aside, to COVIELLE). Oh! oh!

COV. (aside, to MRS. JOURDAIN). And that it is I, Covielle, who am the interpreter?

MRS. JOUR. (_aside, to _COVIELLE). Ah! if it is so, I give in.

COV. (aside, to MRS. JOURDAIN). Seem not to have any idea of what's going on.

MRS. JOUR. (aloud). Very well, let it be; I consent to the marriage.

MR. JOUR. So, everyone is agreed. (To MRS. JOURDAIN) You would not listen to him. I knew he would explain to you what the son of the Grand Turk is.

MRS. JOUR. He has explained it quite sufficiently, and I am satisfied with it. Let us send for a notary.

DOR. The very thing! And Mrs. Jourdain, in order to set your mind at rest, and that you should lose to-day all feelings of jealousy which you may have felt about your husband, this lady and I will ask the same notary to marry us.

MRS. JOUR. I consent to that also.

MR. JOUR. (aside, to DORANTE). It is to deceive her, is it not?

DOR. (aside, to MR. JOURDAIN). We must amuse her with this notion.

MR. JOUR. Good, good. (Aloud) Let somebody go at once for the notary.

DOR. Whilst he draws up the contract, let us see our ballet, and give the entertainment to his Turkish highness.

MR. JOUR. It is well thought of. Let us go to our places.

MRS. JOUR. And Nicole?

MR. JOUR. I give her to the interpreter, and my wife to anyone who will have her.

COV. Sir, I thank you. (Aside) If it is possible to find a greater fool than this one, I will go and publish it in Rome.