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Here she was agonising over the past, while he was able, as always, to wall off his feelings and emotions. It had driven her crazy when they were together that he could behave as if their world weren’t imploding as she’d had miscarriage after miscarriage.
‘Social services needed someone who could report back to them on what was happening with her care. And since I’m head nurse, it kind of fell to me to do it.’
‘Somehow I didn’t think you would remain a neonatal nurse. Not after everything that happened.’
She shrugged. ‘I love my job. Just because I can’t...have children doesn’t mean I want to go into another line of nursing. I’m not one to throw in the towel.’
‘I think that depended on the situation.’ His words had a hard edge to them.
She decided to take a page from his book and at least try to feign indifference. ‘What do you want me to tell you about her?’
‘Do you know anything about her history? Her mother?’
Annabelle filled him in on everything she could, from the fact that Baby Hope’s mother had been hooked on heroin to the fact that she’d fled the hospital soon after giving birth, staff only discovering her absence when they went in to take her vitals. They’d found her bed empty, her hospital gown wadded up under the covers. They’d called the authorities, but in the two weeks since the baby’s birth no one had come forward with any information.
The drug use had caused the baby to go through withdrawals in addition to the in-utero damage her heart had sustained. It was getting weaker by the day. In fact, every ounce she gained put more strain on it. Normally in these children, Annabelle considered weight gain something to be celebrated. Not in Hope’s case. It just meant she had that much less time to live.
‘Does any of that help?’ she asked.
‘It does. I’m going to up her dose of furosemide and see if we can get a little of that fluid off her belly. I think that’s why she stopped breathing. If it’s not any better in an hour or two, I’m going to try to draw some of it off manually.’
‘We did that a few days ago. It seemed to help.’
‘Good.’
They looked at each other for a long moment, then Max said, ‘You’ve let your hair grow.’
The unexpectedness of the observation made her blink. ‘It makes it easier to get out of the way.’
Annabelle used to tame her waves rather than pulling them back. Between blowing them out and using a straightening iron, she’d spent a lot of time on her appearance. Once Max had left, though, there’d seemed little reason to go through those contortions any more. It was only when she stopped that she realised she’d been simply going through the motions for the last half of their marriage. Having a baby had become such a priority that her every waking moment had been consumed with it. It was no wonder he’d jumped at the chance to get out. She hadn’t liked who she’d become either.
She opened her mouth to say something more, before deciding the less personal they made their interactions, the better for both of them. They’d travelled down that road once before and it hadn’t ended well. And she definitely didn’t want to give him the impression that she’d been pining for him over the past three years. She hadn’t been. She’d got well and truly over him.
‘Since you’re working here now, maybe we should set down some ground rules to avoid any sticky situations.’ She paused. ‘Unless you’d like to change your mind about staying.’
His eyes narrowed. ‘I signed a contract. I intend to abide by the terms of it.’
Was that why he hadn’t moved to complete the process of terminating their union? Because he viewed their marriage as a contract rather than an emotional commitment? She’d been the one to actually file, not him.
Her throat clogged at the thought, but she pushed ahead, needing to finish their conversation so she could leave. Before the crazy avalanche of emotions buried her any deeper.
‘Most people at Teddy’s don’t know that I was married. They just assume I’m single. All except for Ella.’
Since she no longer wore her ring, it made it that much easier to assume she had no one in her life.
His brows went up. ‘Ella O’Brien?’
‘Yes.’ He would know who Ella was. They’d been best friends for years. She was very surprised her friend hadn’t got wind of Max’s arrival. Then again, maybe Annabelle would have known had she paid more attention during staff meetings. She’d known Sienna was going on maternity leave soon but had had no idea that Max was the one who’d be taking her place. Maybe because Baby Hope had taken up most of her thoughts in the last couple of weeks.
‘How is she?’
‘Ella? She’s fine.’ She looked away from him, reaching down to touch Hope’s tiny hand over the side of the still-open incubator. ‘Anyway, Ella knows about us, but, as you could see from Sienna’s reaction, that information hasn’t made its way around the hospital. I would appreciate if you didn’t go around blurting out that you’re my husband. Because you’re not. You haven’t been for the last three years.’
One side of his mouth went up in that mouth-watering way that used to make her tremble. But right now, she was desperate to put this runaway train back on its tracks.
‘I have a paper that says otherwise.’
‘And I have one that says I’m ready to be done with that part of my life.’
‘The divorce papers. I’m surprised you haven’t followed up on them with your solicitor.’
She should have had that solicitor hound Max until he signed, but she hadn’t, and she wasn’t quite sure why. ‘I’ve been busy.’
His eyes went to Hope. ‘I can see that.’
‘So you’ll keep our little...situation between us?’
‘How do you know Miss McDonald isn’t going to say something to someone?’
‘She won’t.’ Sienna was secretive enough about her own past that Annabelle was pretty sure privacy was a big deal to the other doctor.
‘And Ella? You don’t think she’ll say anything?’
‘Not if she knows what’s good for her.’ She said it with a wryness in her voice, because her friend was obstinate to the point of stubbornness about some things. But she was a good and faithful friend. She’d mothered Annabelle when she’d come to her crying her eyes out when Max had walked out of the door. No, Ella wouldn’t tell anyone.
Annabelle pulled her hand from the incubator and took a deep breath. Then she turned back to face Max again.
‘Please. Can’t we try to just work together like the professionals we are? At least for the time you’re here.’ She wanted to ask exactly how long that would be, but for now she had to assume it was until Sienna was finished with her maternity leave. If she thought of it as a finite period of time she could survive his presence. At least she hoped she could.
But she already knew she’d be seeing a lot more of him. Especially if he was going to be the doctor who either opened Hope’s chest and placed a donor heart in it or who signed her death certificate.
She closed her eyes for a second as the remembered sound of that alarm sliced through her being. How long before that sound signalled the end of a life that had barely begun?
‘I don’t know, Anna.’ His low voice caused her lids to wrench apart. ‘Can we?’
Her name on his lips sent a shiver through her, as did his words. It was the first time she’d heard the shortened version of Annabelle in three years. In fact, during their very last confrontation he’d reverted to her full name. And then he was gone.
So it made her senses go wonky to hear the drawled endearment murmured in something other than anger.
She’d wanted a simple answer...a promise that Max would do his best to keep their time together peaceful. He hadn’t given her that. Or maybe he was simply acknowledging something that she was afraid to admit: that it was impossible for them to work together as if they’d never crossed paths before. Because they had.
And if those old hurts and resentments somehow came out with swords drawn?
Then, as much as she wanted to keep their past relationship in the past, it would probably spill over into the present in a very real way.
CHAPTER TWO
‘AND THIS IS where all of that wonderful hospital food is prepared.’
Sienna’s easy smile wasn’t able to quite penetrate the shock to his system caused by seeing Anna standing over that incubator. Why hadn’t he kept track of where she was?
Because he hadn’t wanted to know. Knowing meant he had to do something about those papers her solicitor had sent him. And he hadn’t been ready to. Maybe fate was forcing his hand. Making him finally put an end to that part of his life in order to move forward to the next phase.
Wasn’t that part of the reason he’d come home? To start living again?
Yes, but he hadn’t meant to do it quite like this.
He decided the best way to take his mind off Anna was to put it on something...or someone else.
‘The ubiquitous hospital food.’ He allowed his mouth to quirk to the side. ‘But it’s probably better than what I’ve been eating for the past six months.’
She laughed. ‘I’m sure Doctors Without Borders feeds you pretty decently.’ She paused to look at him as they made their way down the corridor. ‘What was it like over there?’
‘Hard. Lots of pressing needs, and not knowing where to start. Not being able to meet all of those needs was a tough pill to swallow.’ Memories of desperate faces played through his head like a slide show. Those he saved...and those he couldn’t.
‘I can imagine it was. And living in another country for months at a time? It couldn’t have been easy being away from the comforts of home.’
‘I heard you had a little experience with that as well. What was the kingdom of Montanari like?’ Someone had mentioned that the other cardiothoracic surgeon had visited the tiny country on an extended stay, but that she had returned quite suddenly.
Sienna stared straight ahead. ‘It was different.’
Different. In other words, move on to another subject. He was happy to oblige, since he knew of one particular subject he was just as eager to avoid. ‘How about your cases here? Anything interesting?’
The other doctor’s shoulders relaxed, and she threw him a smile that seemed almost grateful. ‘Well, we actually have a mum who is expecting quadruplets. We’re keeping an extra-close eye on her but so far she’s doing well and the babies are all fine.’
‘That’s good.’ He didn’t ask any more questions. Someone carrying that many foetuses made him think of fertility treatments—another subject he wasn’t eager to explore.
‘Apparently they might bring in a world-renowned neonatal specialist if any complications develop.’
How many times would he have loved to fly in a specialist when he was in Africa? But, of course, there were only those, like him, who had volunteered their time and expertise. Doctors Without Borders sometimes took pot luck as far as who was willing to go. As a result there were often holes in treatment plans, or a patient who needed help from a specialist that wasn’t on site. That was when the most heartbreaking scenarios occurred.
Yet despite that he was already missing those brief, and often frantic, interactions with the team in Sudan, which surprised him given how exhausted he’d been by the end. Or maybe it was the shock of having to work with Annabelle that had him wishing he could just fly back to Africa and a life where long-term connections with other people were neither expected nor desired. It was more in line with the way he’d grown up. And far removed from what he’d once had with Anna. He’d decided that keeping his distance from others was the safer route.
‘Who is the specialist?’
‘Hmm...someone told me, but I can’t remember her name. I do remember it’s a woman. I’d have to look.’ She stopped in front of a set of double doors. ‘And this is where we work our magic.’
The surgical unit. The epicentre of Max’s—and Sienna’s—world. Even with all the prep work that went on before the actual surgery, this was still where everything would be won or lost. Annabelle had once said she didn’t know how he did it. He wasn’t completely sure either. He just did it. The same way she did her job, standing beside the incubators of very sick babies and taking the best care she could of them.
Why was he even thinking about Annabelle right now? ‘Can we go inside?’
‘Of course.’ She hit a button on the wall and the doors swung wide to allow them through. Glancing at the schedule on the whiteboard at the nurses’ station, she said, ‘Do you want to scrub up and observe a surgery? There’s a gallbladder being taken out in surgical unit two.’
‘No, I’m good. But I would like to observe your next cardiac surgery.’
Sienna gave a sigh and put a hand to her belly. ‘Sure, but I’m really hoping to scale back by about seventy-five per cent over the next week so I can leave without worrying that you haven’t carried an actual caseload.’
Maybe he should have been offended by that, but he wasn’t. Sienna didn’t know him from Adam. He was pretty sure that she could still carry her share of the patient load, but her comment had been more about wanting to see him in action. To reassure herself that she was leaving her little charges in the best possible hands. He was determined not to disappoint her.
‘That sounds fair enough.’ He paused. ‘And the baby who was in crisis? Baby...Hope?’
‘She doesn’t have an official name. Hope is Annabelle’s pet name for her. I think it’s a fingers-crossed kind of thing. Whatever it is, it’s stuck, and we all find ourselves calling her that now.’
That sounded just like Annabelle. Refusing to give up hope, even when it was obvious that the procedures were not going to work.
‘Annabelle mentioned social services. And that the mum took off?’
‘Yes. The mum came in while she was in labour. She was an addict and abandoned the baby soon afterwards. We have no idea where she is.’
Max’s chest tightened. His parents had never actually abandoned him physically, except for those long cruises and trips they’d taken, leaving him in the care of an aunt. But emotionally?
‘Anyway,’ Sienna went on, ‘I’m assigning the case to you. Make sure you become familiar with it. Your best bet for doing that is to get with Annabelle and go over her patient file. She has followed that baby from the beginning. She knows more about her than anyone, maybe even me, and I’m Baby Hope’s doctor.’
Max’s heart twinged out a warning. The last thing he wanted to do was spend even more time with Annabelle, because it was...
Dangerous.
But what else could he do? Say no? Tell Sienna that he couldn’t be a professional when it came to dealing with his almost-ex? Not hardly.
Maybe Sienna saw something in his face. ‘Is that going to be a problem considering the circumstances? I’m sorry, I had no idea you two even knew each other.’
If there was one thing Max was good at, it was disengaging his brain from his heart.
‘It won’t be a problem.’
‘Good.’
He’d work with Anna. Until it was over. Because one way or the other it would be. The baby would either have a new heart, or she wouldn’t. The twinge he’d felt seconds earlier grew to an ache—just like the one he’d dealt with on an almost daily basis while working in the Sudan. He rubbed a palm over the spot for a second to ease the pressure.
‘How often do hearts come available?’
‘Do you mean here in Cheltenham? Some years there are more. Some years, less.’
‘How many transplants have you done?’
‘One. In my whole career. We deal with lots of holes in the heart and diverting blood flow, but hypoplastic cases are rare at Teddy’s.’
So why was she handing the case over to him? This was a chance that she’d just admitted didn’t come across her desk very often. ‘Are you sure you don’t want it?’
‘Very.’ Something flashed through her brown eyes. A trickle of fear? His gaze shifted lower. Was she worried about the health of her own baby?
He remembered well the worry over whether a foetus would make it to term. In fact he remembered several times when he’d prayed over Annabelle as she’d slept. Those prayers had gone unanswered.
‘When are you due?’
‘Too soon. But right now it feels like for ever.’ Her glance caught his. ‘Everything is fine with the baby, if that’s what you’re wondering. My handing that case over has nothing to do with superstition. I just don’t think I have the endurance right now for what could be a long, complicated surgery.’ She pressed a hand to the small of her back. ‘And if for some reason I go earlier than I expect, I don’t want to pass Baby Hope over to someone else at the last second. I want it to be now, when it’s a deliberate decision on both of our parts.’
That he could understand. The need to be prepared for what might happen. Unlike in his relationship with Annabelle when he’d impulsively issued an ultimatum, hoping to save her from the grief of repeating a tragic cycle—not to mention the dangerous physical symptoms she’d been experiencing.
It had worked. But not quite in the way he’d expected.
This was not where he wanted his thoughts to head. He’d do better to stick with what he could control and leave the rest of it to the side at the moment.
‘Your patients will be in good hands. I’ll make sure of it.’
‘Thank you. That means a lot to me.’ She sent him a smile that was genuine. ‘Do you have any other questions before we officially end our tour and go on to discuss actual cases?’
‘Just one.’
‘All right.’ The wariness he’d sensed during his mention of Montanari filtered back into her eyes. She had no need to be worried. He was done with discussing personal issues.
‘Is the food as bad here as it was at my last gig?’
Sienna actually laughed. ‘I’ll let you be the judge of that. I don’t mind it. But then again, I eat almost anything, as long as it isn’t alive or shaped like a snake.’
‘Well, on those two points we can agree. So I take it Teddy’s doesn’t serve exotic fare.’
‘Nope. Just watery potatoes and tasteless jelly.’
He glanced at his watch and smiled back at her. ‘Well, then, in the name of science, I think I should go and check out the competition. Can we save the case discussion until later?’
‘Yes, I’m ready for a break as well. And you can tell me what you think once you’ve sampled what the canteen has to offer. Just watch out for the nurses.’
‘Sorry?’
‘Some of them have heard you were coming. While you’re checking out the food, don’t be surprised if they’re checking you out.’
Would they be? He’d made it a point not to get involved with women at all since his separation. And he wasn’t planning on changing that.
And what of Annabelle? She was a nurse. Had she been checking him out as well?
Of course not. But on that note, he’d better go and get something into his stomach. Before he did something stupid and went back down to the first floor to check on a very ill baby, and the protective nurse who hovered over her.
Annabelle wasn’t good for his equilibrium. And she very definitely wasn’t good for his objectivity. And no matter what, he had to keep that. Because if he allowed his heart to become too entangled with her as he cared for his patients, he would have trouble doing his job.
What Baby Hope and the rest of his patients needed was a doctor who could keep his emotions out of the surgical ward. No matter how hard that might prove to be.
* * *
Annabelle grabbed a tray and headed for the line of choices. She wasn’t hungry. Or so she told herself. Her stomach had knotted again and again until there was almost no room in it for anything other than the big bowl of worry she’d dished up for herself that morning. Baby Hope was getting weaker. The crisis she’d had this morning proved it. If Max hadn’t been there, Hope might have...
No, don’t think about that. And Max had not been the only one in that room who could have saved her. Sienna would have called for the exact same treatment protocol. She’d seen the other woman in action.
Once upon a time, Annabelle had expected Max to play the role of saviour. It hadn’t been fair to him. Or to her. He’d finally cracked under the pressure of it all. And so had she. At least her body had.
A few days after she’d lost her last babies, her abdomen and legs had swelled up with fluid from all of the hormones she’d been on and she’d been in pain; Max had rushed her to A&E. They’d given her an ultrasound again, thinking maybe some foetal tissue had been left behind. But what they’d found was that her ovaries had swelled to many times their normal size from harvesting the eggs.
There’d been no magic-wand treatment to make it all go away. Her body had had to do the hard work. She’d worn support hose to keep the fluid from accumulating in her legs, and had had to sleep sitting up in a chair to make it easier to breathe as her hormone levels had gradually gone back to normal. And the look on Max’s face when the doctors had told him the cause...
It had come right on the heels of him telling her that he was done trying to have babies. It had made everything that much worse. But she’d still desperately wanted children, so she’d started keeping secret recordings of her temperature. Only the more secretive she’d got over the coming weeks, the more distant he’d become. In the end, the death knell had sounded before he’d ever found that journal.
Back to food, Annabelle.
She set her tray on the metal supports running parallel to the food selections and gazed into the glass case. Baked chicken? No. Salad? No. Fruit? Yes. She picked up a clear plastic container of fruit salad and set it on her tray, pushing it a few feet further down the line. Sandwiches? Her stomach clenched in revulsion. Not at the food, but at the thought of trying to push that bread down her oesophagus.
Broccoli? Healthy, and she normally loved it, but no. She kept moving past the selection of veggies until she hit the dessert section.
Bad Annabelle. What would your mum say?
She peered back down the row, wondering if she should reverse her steps and make better choices. Except when she glanced the way she’d come, her gaze didn’t fall on food. It fell on the very person she was trying to forget. Max.
And he was with Sienna. Both were holding food trays, which meant...
Oh, no! They were eating lunch too.
It’s what people do. They eat. They sleep. Her throat tightened. They move away to far-off places.
Sienna waved to her. ‘Hey, Annabelle. Hold on. Would you like to join us? We can talk about Baby Hope, and you can help catch Max up on the case.’
It was on the tip of her tongue to say she was going to eat back in her office, but she’d just been worrying about the baby. Any light they could shed on her prognosis should outweigh any awkwardness of eating with her ex. Right?
Right.
‘Sure. I’ll save you a spot.’ She tossed a container of yoghurt onto her plate and then a large slice of chocolate cake for good measure. Handing her personnel card to the cashier and praying she scanned it before the pair caught up with her, she threw a smile at the woman and then headed out towards the crowd of people already parked at tables.
Setting her tray on one of the only available tables in the far corner, she hesitated. Should she really be doing this?
Yes. Anything for Baby Hope.
She shut her eyes. Was she becoming as obsessed with this infant as she had been with her quest to become pregnant all those years ago?
No. Looking back now, those attempts seemed so futile. Desperate attempts by a desperate woman. Max’s childhood had been pretty awful, and she’d wanted to show him how it should be. How wonderful hers had been. And since he had no blood relatives left alive, she’d wanted to give him that physical connection—for the roots she’d had with her own extended family to take hold and spread. Only none of it had worked.
If her sister hadn’t had a devastating experience when trying to adopt a baby, Annabelle might have gone that route after her first miscarriage. But if the grief she’d felt after losing a baby she’d never met was horrific, how much worse had it been for her sister, who’d held a baby in her arms for months only to have to hand him back over to the courts weeks before the adoption was finalised? The whole family had been shattered. And so Annabelle had continued on her quest to have a biological child, only to fail time and time again.