F*ck Feelings: Less Obsessing, More Living

Thorsons

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF www.harpercollins.co.uk This edition published by Thorsons 2016 FIRST EDITION Text © FXCK FEELINGS LLC 2016 Cover design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2016 A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library FXCK FEELINGS LLC asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books. This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subjects addressed in the publication. It is sold with the understanding that the author and publisher are not engaged in rendering medical, health, or any other kind of personal professional services in the book. The reader should consult his or her medical, health, or other competent professional before adopting any of the suggestions in this book or drawing inferences from it. The author and publisher specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book. Find out about HarperCollins and the environment at www.harpercollins.co.uk/green Source ISBN: 9780008140564 Ebook Edition © February 2016 ISBN: 9780008140588 Version: 2015-11-16

Dedication

For the previous generation, Claire and Dr. Jacob Bleiberg, and Beatrice and Jacob Bennett. Tough lives couldn’t stop them from sticking to their values and working hard so that our lives could be so much easier.

And for friend, mentor, and legendary mensch Dr. Ted Nadelson, who taught us that the best way to help people accept what’s tough about life is to make them laugh.

Epigraph

There’s no “should” or “should not” when it comes to having feelings. They’re part of who we are and their origins are beyond our control. When we can believe that, we may find it easier to make constructive choices about what to do with those feelings.

—Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Epigraph

Introduction: What’s Your Goal?

Chapter One Fuck Self-Improvement

Taking Back the Reins of Your Life (After a Stampede)

Getting to the Root of Your Problem . . . and Tearing It Out

Becoming a More Positive Person

Stop Fucking Up

Curing Yourself of Addiction

Chapter Two Fuck Self-Esteem

Fighting the Loser’s Curse

Unleashing the Power of Persuasion

Standing Up to Bullies

Overcoming the Stigma of Disability

Saving Your Kid’s Self-Esteem

Chapter Three Fuck Fairness

Defending Your Right to Live in Safety

Getting Closure After Childhood Abuse

Getting a Square Deal

Clearing Your Name

Getting Justice and/or Closure

Chapter Four Fuck Helpfulness

Easing Others’ Sorrow

Rescuing the Addicted

Protecting Victims of Injustice

Brokering Peace at Home

Raising the Downtrodden

Chapter Five Fuck Serenity

Stop Hating the Ones You Love

Accepting the Inescapably Annoying

Facing Fear

Healing Heartache

Accepting Enmity

Chapter Six Fuck Love

Finding Someone

Getting to Commitment

Changing for Love

Enjoying Healthy Sex

Salvaging Lost Love

Chapter Seven Fuck Communication

Nurturing Closeness

Airing Trauma

Venting Anger

Life-Changing Conversation

Chapter Eight Fuck Parenthood

Not Ruining Your Baby

Stopping Constant Parent/Child Conflict

Raising a Jerk

Living with a Learning Disability

Rebuilding Divorce-Damaged Parenting

Chapter Nine Fuck Assholes

Fucked by Your Nearest and Dearest Asshole

My Parent, the Asshole

Rising Up from an Asshole Takedown

Saving Assholes from Their Shit

Living and Working with Inescapable Assholes

Bonus Chapter Ten Fuck Treatment

Getting Treatment

Getting Your Fill of Treatment

Getting Treatment for the Unwilling

Afterword: Well, Fuck Me

Suggested Bibliography

List of Searchable Terms

Acknowledgments

About the Authors

About the Publisher

Introduction

What’s Your Goal?

Most people read self-help books, or come to see shrinks, because they can’t solve their problems after trying very, very hard to do it themselves. This is true whether they feel depressed, anxious, ill-treated, burdened with self-destructive behaviors, hurt by an unhappy relationship, too fat, too thin; you name it. They come expecting advice or treatment that will reduce symptoms, ease painful feelings, strengthen self-control, or mend broken relationships. Basically, they want a cure. These expectations are stoked by the public faces of therapy, particularly those telegenic, first-name-basis self-help gurus like Drs. Phil, Drew, Laura, Nick, etc.

F*ck Feelings offers a more realistic approach from a medically trained, practicing psychiatrist who, over a forty-year clinical career, has treated hundreds of patients with intractable mental illness, bad habits, and troubled relationships—Dr. Lastname. That was the alias used by your authors—Dr. Michael Bennett, the aforementioned Harvard-educated psychiatrist, and his daughter Sarah Bennett, a writer who spent years writing sketch comedy at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York—as we developed our collaborative technique at our website, fxckfeelings.com.

Observing the difference between what people expect from therapy and what they are actually likely to achieve, I, Dr. Bennett, came to believe that people use the very act of coming for help—and their overbelief in a cure for their problems—to deny the fact that there is much about life, others, and their own personalities that is beyond anyone’s power to change. They would rather see themselves as failures or as partially developed seekers who cannot properly begin their lives until they have found an answer that has so far eluded them. Clinging to the belief that they can be cured, they want to know what they or any prior therapists did to block them from achieving their treatment goals. Unfortunately, many therapists, eager to help patients realize these wishes, support their false hopes. I am not one of them.

F*ck Feelings explains that, in most cases, you have not failed and do not need to try harder or wait longer for improvement to begin; instead, you need to accept that life is hard and your frustrated efforts are a valuable guide to identifying what you can’t change. After urging you to accept whatever it is you can’t change—about your personality, behavior, spouse, kid, feelings, boss, country, pet, etc.—the F*ck Feelings approach shows you how to become much more effective at managing life’s impossible problems, instead of vainly and persistently trying to change them. If you’re willing to accept what you can’t change, we have many positive suggestions for improving the way you manage the shit on your plate—beginning with not wasting time repeating what hasn’t been working.

Your issue may be the love or hate you wish you could stop, the urge to drink or drug that you wish would go away, the blues you wish you could cure, or the spouse, kid, or parent you wish you could change. By the time you seek help, however, it’s usually obvious that something about your wish isn’t feasible, but that hasn’t stopped you from confusing that wish with a permanent, dedicated, high-priority goal. You can’t go forward, or be helped by treatment, until you accept its impossibility, suck it up, and turn your bullshit wish into a goal that can actually be achieved.

Accept whatever is obviously impossible about your goals. Accept that depression is often chronic and incurable, so you can stop blaming yourself for not controlling it. Stop treatments that don’t seem to be helping. Embrace whatever positive steps help you to live with and manage your illness or issue. Accept that there are some losses that never stop hurting, so you can stop delving into them, get used to living with a heavy heart, and try to build a better life. Accept that you have some urges for stimulating but unhealthy substances, sex partners, or self-expression that no amount of self-understanding will change. Stop asking why you’ve got weaknesses and start preventing them from turning you into a jerk.

After challenging advice seekers, patients, and our readers to accept what you can’t change, we show how you’re much less responsible for your misery than you thought. We teach good, often well-established methods for making the best of things—methods that you weren’t using because you were too busy with wishful thinking instead of problem solving.

Obviously, we don’t guarantee happiness—quite the contrary—but instead we offer you methods for building strength and pride in your ability to deal with the inevitable misery of a tough life. It’s not that we’re against happiness, just against holding yourself responsible for making it happen when it can’t. In our world, feelings don’t rule, many things can’t be changed, and acceptance of limits, not limitless self-improvement, is the key to moving forward and dealing effectively with any and all crap that life can throw your way.

So, no, we can’t tell you how to repair a long-broken relationship with a difficult parent, reform a bad boyfriend, or get respect from your boss, but that’s only because nobody can. The only book that can actually teach you how to change how others think is a lobotomy manual. Instead, we can show you how to look past the disappointment, resentment, and/or neediness that result from those issues so they can be managed realistically.

With the right limits, you can have a peaceful relationship with a difficult parent, and with the right standards, you can avoid bad boyfriends altogether. And with realistic expectations, you can get your work done in spite of a bad boss, or better yet, find a better one. Instead of false promises or happy endings, we provide concrete steps for getting past unavoidable bad feelings so you can do your best with what you actually control.

This book is also filled with fun sidebars and tables, like this one, so that I, Sarah, can amuse myself:

Given life’s cruelty and unfairness, F*ck Feelings believes profanity is a source of comfort, clarity, and strength. It helps to express anger without blame, to be tough in the face of pain, and to share determination without sentimentality. On the other hand, we don’t tolerate the reverent use of truly obscene f-words, like “fair” or “feelings.”

Each chapter addresses the usual wishes people have when they hope to solve a common problem—like loneliness, bad self-image, or conflict—and explains what part of these wishes are impossible to achieve. Using several composite case examples, we show you how to define the limits of what’s possible, create realistic goals, and devise businesslike procedures for achieving those goals. We remind you, repeatedly, because you need to hear it, to respect yourself for how you deal with bad luck, not for the overall quality of your luck. We also include information on how to find off-the-page therapy that might work for you.

So while other self-help books guarantee the path to happiness, F*ck Feelings guarantees that said path is nonexistent; furthermore, convincing yourself that there is such a path will actually lead you to feel like a true failure, instead of an unlucky hero. What F*ck Feelings can promise you is that there is no situation in life that can’t be endured if you can keep your sense of humor, bend your wishes to fit reality, restrain your feelings, manage bad behavior, and do what you think is right.

To those who want one of the many famous, overoptimistic Dr. Firstnames to tell them the secret to being happy, we say, fuck happy. Fuck self-improvement, self-esteem, fairness, helpfulness, and everything in between. If you can get over that, you can get real and get to a realistic solution, and yes, you can get it from this book, and from a real doctor, last name and all.

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