Raising Boys: Why Boys are Different – and How to Help them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men
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Thorsons
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published in 1997 by Finch Publishing Pty Ltd, Australia
Revised and updated edition published in 2010 by HarperThorsons
This revised and updated edition 2018
Text © Stephen and Shaaron Biddulph 1998, 2003, 2008, 2018
Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2018
Cover photograph © KidStock/Blend Images/Getty Images
Illustrations by Paul Stanish
Permissions: The author gratefully acknowledges the permission of the following for the right to reproduce copyright material in this publication: ‘What Fathers Do’ by Jack Kammer, is reprinted from Full-Time Dads, May/June 1995 Issue, with the permission of the author; six myths of porn is reprinted from Elizabeth Clark, Love, Sex and No Regrets for Today’s Teens (Finch, Sydney, 2017).
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library
Steve Biddulph asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
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Source ISBN: 9780008283674
Ebook Edition © April 2018 ISBN: 9780007519736
Version: 2018-03-28
Dedication
In memory of Joan Biddulph
1928–2017
for words, laughter, and big skies
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Boyhood Has Changed
An Important Note
1 What Is It with Boys?
2 The Three Stages of Boyhood
3 Testosterone
4 Making a New Kind of Man
5 What Dads Can Do
6 Mothers and Sons
7 Developing a Healthy Sexuality
8 Out into the Big World
9 Boys and Sport
10 A Community Challenge
Notes
Appendix: Do Gender Differences Exist, and Do They Matter?
Also by Steve Biddulph
About the Publisher
Boyhood Has Changed
Boyhood is transforming; that’s it in a nutshell. If you’ve been in any school gate or online conversations in the past twenty years, you’ll know that things are on the move. We’re learning how to make boyhood a happier place, and that knowledge is saving lives.
The book you hold in your hand had a very interesting effect that echoed around the world – it was as if a million mothers and fathers all at once gave an enormous sigh of relief. (Our boy is normal!) For one thing, the book cut through the endless argument between nature and nurture by saying, ‘It’s both.’ But nurture is the one we can do something about, so let’s get started.
In a world where so many boys struggled, there was a desperate need for a new approach. Raising Boys provided that. It said that if we want boys to grow into truly good men with warm hearts and strong backbones, then we have to understand their specific needs. Just as with girls, specific risk factors go with being an average boy. These range from the everyday to the truly terrible – from not liking school at four, to having three times the risk of dying in their teens (mostly from car accidents, suicide or violence) and nine times the chance of going to jail.1 These are not small things. But if we understand what makes our boys unique, we can love them better and make sure they turn out well.
Today we understand that gender is on a continuum. Knowing a child is a boy or a girl doesn’t tell you anything, necessarily, about what they will be like. But although gender is a line, there are big bumps on that line, and so we can say ‘most’ boys and ‘most’ girls without meaning it has to apply to all. Most boys are slower at learning to talk, and being ready to read or write, than most girls. Most start puberty a year or two later than girls. (Girls’ puberty is over by fourteen, and they have shot up to their full height. Boys’ puberty doesn’t end until they are about seventeen, and their brains don’t fully mature until their twenties.) These things matter if you have a boy to raise, and keep alive.
The differences are not just on the outside. The evidence grows and grows that boys’ chemistry is very different from early in the womb, predisposing most of them to greater muscle mass, more need for movement and activity, an excitement about competition, and a love of concrete ways of learning. Though there are definitely some girls who are like this, and boys who are not. Keep remembering that mantra – most, not all.
Boys’ brains develop more slowly, and their nervous system wires up in a different sequence, and that is a massive thing because it means that in the UK and Australia, they start school far too young, and often hate it because it’s too formal, too much based on sitting still. Good schools for boys are the ones that give them room to move and time to grow.
There are other great changes afoot. Understanding that some boys are gay or transgender and that’s normal and OK has helped millions of parents to be more relaxed and accepting of their own unique boy. In fact, it’s made every boy and girl a lot freer to be themselves. Less homophobia means that all boys can have warm friendships, cry when they are sad, be affectionate, and have much better mental health as a result.
Knowing about the autism spectrum has also brought great relief to millions of parents and kids. We can all relax about being a little bit – or very – different. We are valuing and accepting kids who don’t quite fit the mould.
Of course, there is so much more in this book. The three stages of boyhood. How to keep boys safe. Boys and housework! And the powerful message that men have an equal part to play in raising children. Kids need to know men of every kind – creative, practical, brave, shy, funny, of every different race, sexuality and type. Then boys can base their own masculinity on a broad choice of role models. And girls can see every possible kind of man.
Right now, the world badly needs good men. There are some awful ones needing to be put in their place. Your boy can be one of those who grow up so much better, and help to heal this sad and scary world. Thank you for joining the boy revolution. As the twenty-first century rolls on, it’s badly needed.
Enjoy your boy, love him well, and watch him fly in his own special way.
Steve Biddulph
© Anna Grigorjeva/Shutterstock.com
An Important Note
The aim of this book is to help you think – and feel – deeply about your job of being a parent. Treat it as a springboard. But don’t treat it as a prescription. Nobody can tell you how to raise your child, and if you ever see the words ‘parenting expert’ you should run a mile. I am not one of those, and I simply offer these thoughts to help you figure out your own.
Parenthood is hard. We shouldn’t have to feel alone. We should support each other at every opportunity. I hope this book really helps.
Steve B.
Chapter 1
What Is It with Boys?
Last night I drove into town for a meeting, or at least tried to, and the situation with young men was once again thrust into my face. Three cars ahead of me, the Pacific Highway was blocked. A car driven by a teenage boy, with four friends on board, had attempted to pull out into the traffic, but miscalculated. A truck coming up behind had hit the car and carried it 50 metres along the road, badly crushing it in the impact. Soon the emergency vehicles arrived: fire, police, ambulance. People worked in teams, calmly but rapidly dealing with the situation.
The young driver was gradually cut out of the wreck unconscious. His four male passengers had varying injuries, some serious. An older woman, perhaps the mother of one of the boys, came running from a nearby farm. A policeman gently comforted her. Maleness was everywhere – inexperience and risk on the one side; competence, caring and steadiness on the other.
It kind of summed up for me the male situation. Men, when they turn out well, are wonderful – selfless, heroic, hardworking. But being young and male is so vulnerable, so prone to disaster. When we see a boy born these days, we can’t help wondering – how will he turn out? Back in the twentieth century boys started out OK – little boys were full of life and love, trusting and close to their mums and dads, laughing and free. But on starting school they often became tense and unhappy. Soon they were roaming the playground in gangs, harassing girls and bullying smaller boys. By their teens they were shut down, gruff and grunting, unpleasant to be around. And often they turned into dull and difficult men, sexually incompetent wage slaves with no real friendships, no sense of joy, blotting it all out with beer and sport. Masculinity a generation back was a pretty sad place. Now that is changing.
Where are you up to with your boy or boys? Perhaps you are reading this with a little baby boy newly arrived in your life. Perhaps you have a noisy toddler, thankfully now asleep in his room, looking all innocent in his sleep! Or a boy at school, a mixture of brave and vulnerable as he faces the world on his own terms, but still races back to you for comfort and guidance.
Please – take it from me – the years will rush by, and one day you will be watching your son as a man, and feeling incredibly proud that he is caring, safe, making a contribution, and hopefully going far beyond you in the scope of his life.
This will be the generation when we create a new kind of man in such numbers that the world is turned around. That’s been the purpose of my life, and I hope it will be yours too.
© Ulza/Shutterstock.com
The Good Stuff to Come
In this book we will look at many breakthrough areas of understanding boys. In the next chapter we’ll start by explaining their three distinct stages of development:
zero to six – the learning to love years
six to fourteen – the time when fathers count most, and
fourteen to adult – when boys need mentors and adults who care, in addition to their parents.
By knowing these stages, you will be prepared and more relaxed about what is coming next and how to deal with it.
In the third chapter, we’ll examine the effects of hormones on boys’ behaviour, and how to help boys ride these powerful waves of development. Everyone knows about hormones, but when do they actually come into action, and what do they do? Why are thirteen-year-olds often dopey and fourteen-year-olds so argumentative? And how do you handle this with understanding and maintain your sense of humour?
In Chapter 4 we’ll show how a new kind of boy is emerging in the twenty-first century who can show his emotions, cry without being ashamed and communicate clearly and well. A boy with backbone and heart, able to step away from the old toxic and unhappy forms of masculinity and be loving and close.
Next comes the vital place of fathers, and how to get it right even if your own father wasn’t all that great. Most men, it seems, want to improve on the way their fathers were, but don’t always know how. The fatherhood revolution is one of the most positive developments of the past thirty years. If you are a single mum reading this, we will also tell you what you can do to ensure your son has good men in his life.
Then come some stories and clues about mothers and sons. Mothers need to be confident and proactive with their boys, helping them to feel OK around the opposite sex. A mum is a ‘practice girlfriend’, and she teaches a boy how to get along happily with women. Whether she knows it or not, she is setting the pattern for all his future relationships.
Next we’ll talk about boys and sex, since this is a vital area that can make their lives happy or miserable, depending on how it’s handled.
Then – since school is where boys spend half their childhoods, there’s a chapter on how schools can be dramatically improved. We will also help you decide which teachers and which school will best help your boy.
To round things off, we’ll tackle sport, which can be hazardous to boys’ bodies and souls – though when it’s done right it can be so good for them. Boys need sport, so we need sport to get its act together.
And lastly, we’ll discuss the ways in which the whole community can support boys turning into men – because parents can’t do this without help. Parents need to be making choices even when their boys are still little babies, to ensure other adults are there for the boys as they navigate their teens. You need a circle of friends and an extended family to help a boy make it to adulthood unharmed. Interested? Mystified? Then it’s time to begin.
Boys can be just great. We can make them so. Understanding is the key.
© Daisy Daisy/Shutterstock.com
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