The Complete Parenting Collection

Raising boys

Why boys are different – and how to help thembecome happy and well-balanced men

Third edition

Steve Biddulph

Illustrations by Paul Stanish

Chapter 1 What is it with boys?

Last night I drove into town for a meeting, or at least tried to, and the situation with young men was once again thrust into my face. Three cars ahead of me, the Pacific Highway was blocked. A car driven by a teenage boy, with four friends as passengers, had attempted to pull out into the traffic, but miscalculated. A truck coming up behind had hit the car and carried it 50 metres along the road, badly crushing it in the impact. Soon the emergency vehicles arrived: fire, police, ambulance. Men worked in teams, calmly but rapidly dealing with the situation.

The young driver was gradually cut out of the wreck unconscious. His four male passengers had varying injuries, some serious. An older woman, perhaps the mother of one of the boys, came running from a nearby farm. A policeman gently comforted her.

Maleness was everywhere – inexperience and risk on the one side; competence, caring and steadiness on the other.

It kind of summed up for me the male situation. Men, when they turn out well, are wonderful – selfless, heroic, hardworking. But being young and male is so vulnerable, so prone to disaster. When we see a boy born these days, we can’t help wondering – how will he turn out?

Boys at risk

Thirty years ago, it was girls that everyone worried about. Across the world, a huge and spirited effort was mounted to raise the horizons of girls, to give them confidence that they could do anything they wanted with their lives, and to demolish the barriers to their achievement. And it’s working: today it’s the girls who are more sure of themselves, motivated and capable. More girls finish school, more girls go to university, and they get better marks.

Parents of daughters often find that their girls are focussed, clear-headed, and know where they are going. Boys, by comparison, often don’t have a clue. They seem to be adrift in life, failing at school, awkward in relationships, at risk for violence, alcohol and drugs.

The differences start early – visit any preschool and see for yourself. The girls work together happily; the boys pretend to be Indians attacking a wagon train in an old Western movie. They annoy the girls and fight with each other. In primary school the boys’ work is often sloppy and inferior. Teachers spend all their time containing the boys, and the girls miss out on attention. By the time they reach eight or nine, most boys don’t read books any more. They speak in one-word sentences: ‘Huh?’ ‘Awwwwyeaaah!’ In secondary school they don’t participate in debating, concerts, student councils or any non-sport activity. They pretend not to care about anything, and act like ‘it’s cool to be a fool’. At speech nights the teachers are embarrassed that no prizes seem to go to the boys.

In the relationships department, many teenage boys are unsure about girls and how to get along with them. Some become painfully shy, others are aggressive and unpleasant when girls are around. They seem to lack even the most basic conversation skills.

And the bottom line, the thing we parents feel in the pit of our stomach, is of course safety. By fifteen, boys are three times more likely to die than girls – usually from accidents, violence and suicide. Three times more likely to die! And for every boy who dies on the road, ten more are left brain-damaged or wheelchair-bound, the hidden casualties. In health terms, boys are like a developing country. Every parent of sons feels that fear when their sons go out with their friends – will they come home safe and sound?

The good news

Enough of the bad news. What we all want is young men who are happy, energetic, safe, hard-working and kind. That’s all! We want our boys to turn into fine young men who will be part of the solutions of the twenty-first century. And in the meantime, we need them to do the dishes and tidy their rooms!

In the past ten years a huge amount has been learnt about the true nature of boys, which may surprise and delight you. For 30 years it was fashionable to say that boys and girls were really just the same. But as parents and teachers kept telling us, this approach wasn’t working. A vast amount of new research is confirming parents’ intuitions about boys being different in positive ways. We are beginning to understand how to appreciate their masculinity, and shape it into something good – not just squash it down.

The chapter outline for this book

In this book we will look at many breakthrough areas of understanding boys. In the next chapter we’ll explain first their three distinct stages of development:

1 zero to six – the learning to love years

2 six to fourteen – the time when fathers count most, and

3 fourteen to adult – when boys need mentors and adults who care, in addition to their parents.

By knowing these stages, you will be prepared and more relaxed about what is coming next and how to deal with it.

In the third chapter, we’ll examine the effects of hormones on boys’ behaviour, and how to help boys ride these powerful waves of development. Everyone knows about hormones, but when do they actually come into action, and what do they do? Why are thirteen-year-olds often dopey, and fourteen-year-olds so argumentative? And how do you handle this with understanding and maintain your sense of humour?

In Chapter 4 we’ll show how boys’ brains are vulnerable, and how to stimulate their brains so they become good communicators. When you chatter and tell stories to little boys, this actually builds their brain connections, so they are more likely to become men who are good with words and feelings. The world no longer needs men who can wrestle buffalo. But it does need men with people skills.

Next comes the vital place of fathers, and how to get it right even if your own father wasn’t all that great. Most men, it seems, want to improve on the way their father was, but don’t always know how. The fatherhood revolution is one of the most positive developments of the past 30 years. If you are a single mum reading this, we will also tell you what you can do to ensure your son has good men in his life.

Then come some stories and clues about mothers and sons. Mothers need to be confident and proactive with their boys, helping them to feel okay around the opposite sex. A mum is a ‘practice girlfriend’, and she teaches a boy how to get along happily with women. Whether she knows it or not, she is setting the pattern for all his future relationships.

Next we’ll talk about boys and sex, since this is a vital area that can make their life happy or miserable, depending on how it’s handled.

Next – since school is where boys spend half their childhoods, there’s a chapter on how schools can be dramatically improved. It’s important that boys don’t start school too young, since their brains grow in a different sequence to, and slower than girls’. Starting too young can lead to a school life blighted by feelings of inadequacy and a hatred of learning. This information has changed tens of thousands of families’ timing on when they sent their sons to school, or even to childcare. We will also help you decide which teachers and which school will best help your boy.

To round things off, we’ll tackle sport, which can be hazardous to boys’ bodies and souls – though when it’s done right it can be so good for them. Boys need sport, so we need sport to get its act together.

And lastly, we’ll discuss the ways in which the whole community can support boys turning into men – because parents can’t do this without help. Parents need to be making choices even when their boys are still little babies, to ensure other adults are there for the boys as they navigate their teens. You need a circle of friends and an extended family to help a boy make it to adulthood unharmed. Interested? Mystified? Then it’s time to begin.

Boys can be just great. We can make them so. Understanding is the key.