The It Girl: Don't Tell the Bridesmaid

Things you would normally expect to happen at a bridesmaid-dress fitting:

1. You are cheerily greeted by the bride and anyone else present.

2. You try on your bridesmaid dress.

3. The bride and other bridesmaids tell you how wonderful you look.

4. You all laugh together and excitedly talk about the wedding.

5. Everything goes perfectly.

Things that happen at a bridesmaid-dress fitting when the bride is Helena Montaine:

1. You enter the bride’s house and are greeted by an angry Chihuahua.

2. You are introduced to the prime minister’s wife, who has dropped by for a cup of tea, while an angry Chihuahua slides along the floor behind you, refusing to let go of your shoelace.

3. The angry Chihuahua is removed from your shoelace by a member of the bride’s wedding team, and Fenella, the wedding planner, makes a remark when she sees you about how hairbrushes must have gone out of fashion with teenagers.

4. As you wait for the bride’s daughter to arrive, your own mother decides to fill the time with demonstrations to the bride and the prime minister’s wife of some Chinese martial-art moves she learnt on a recent business trip.

5. Everything is a disaster. And nothing has started yet.

‘Sorry I’m late, everyone!’ Marianne sang as she breezed into the hall, placing her huge designer handbag down on the ground and whipping off her sunglasses, looking every inch the perfect British It Girl as she swept her glossy brown hair away from her face. ‘Did I miss anything?’

‘Tai chi,’ I informed her as she came over to give me a hug. ‘And the prime minister’s wife. She just left.’

‘Sounds like a normal day in Mum’s household.’ She gripped my shoulders. ‘How are you? After the events of your first date, I mean.’

‘Trying to forget about it. The internet won’t let me.’

‘Oh, have I been there.’ Marianne grinned. ‘It will go away. Tom thinks you looked adorable, by the way, in that avocado costume.’

‘I was a turtle, but please thank Tom on my behalf.’

Marianne laughed and went over to say hi to Helena and my mum. Tom Kyzer was her rock-star boyfriend, who she was completely in love with, to the point where she could hardly talk about anything else. As a couple they were a particularly big attraction for the paparazzi – they couldn’t do anything without the whole world knowing about it. But unlike my dad – and even Marianne who was indifferent to it all – Tom seemed to love the attention. ‘I was born for the cameras,’ he once said to me with a wink.

‘So, Rebecca,’ Marianne said to my mum as she ignored Fenella’s Chihuahua yapping at her from the arms of the dismayed-looking man holding him, ‘I hear that, unlike Anna and me, you’ve had the privilege of already seeing the bridesmaid dresses.’

My mum smiled mysteriously. ‘You can never know what it’s going to look like until you see it on.’

‘Speaking of which, let’s get going, shall we?’ Fenella encouraged our two mothers to take their place on the sofa and bustled Marianne and me behind separate screens that had been set up in the sitting room. Two elegant ladies followed me and began to help me undress.

I heard my mum chuckling about something with Helena on the sofa. Mum is a travel journalist and is often the other side of the world on some kind of weird assignment, but she was staying in England for the summer. Even though my parents weren’t together romantically – they never really had been in the first place – they were best friends and Mum completely ADORES Helena. So, when it came to the wedding, Mum was very much involved with the plans and Helena seemed to need her approval on every aspect of it.

‘I can’t wait to see you girls!’ Helena crowed as one of the elegant ladies yanked my hair into a bun to get it out the way and the other one began to unzip a suspiciously large clothing bag hanging up on the screen.

Marianne and I had already been subjected to a traumatic dress moment when Helena made us try on bridesmaid dresses that looked as if they had been snaffled from the cast of Sesame Street, but I had full faith that everyone had learnt from that experience and that Helena’s excellent taste as an international fashion and acting icon would shine through.

Hmm . . . whatever was being pulled over my head by various assistants did feel quite heavy.

And there was a lot of puffing going on.

‘There we are,’ one of the ladies said, panting as though she’d just finished a workout.

‘You look like you belong in a fairy tale,’ the other lady whispered, as she looked me up and down wistfully.

Yeah, for sure, I did look like I belonged in a fairy tale.

AS ONE OF THE GOBLINS.

‘Helena!’ I yelped, as the lady fiddling with the waistline of the dress practically knocked the breath out of me.

‘Divine, isn’t it!’ Helena exclaimed. ‘Diana designed them – she’s with you right now – so you have her to thank for it!’

The lady who had just finished winding me, tilted her head to the side and then smiled. ‘It’s perfect. You look like a princess.’

OK, so I know I’m no fashion designer, but is this woman BLIND?! She had put me in some kind of lavender monstrosity that contained enough netting to catch a pod of killer whales.

‘Let me see!’ Helena squealed, and Mum added, ‘Yes, we’re dying to see.’

Diana shooed me out from behind the screen and at the same time Marianne appeared from behind hers. The expression on her face reflected exactly how I felt.

‘Oh, girls,’ Helena whispered, her eyes welling up.

THANK GOD. She must have realised that this was the worst decision she’d ever made and now it was going to be an absolute pain to change the bridesmaid dresses again – and with hardly any time to go before the Big Day. Plus it would cost a fortune so Dad wouldn’t be too happy about it. I actually felt a little sorry for her.

I prepared myself to say in my most comforting and reassuring voice, ‘Don’t worry, Helena, we can achieve this feat together,’ when her face broke into a Cheshire Cat smile.

‘You look so beautiful! It’s just what I wanted – the dresses are perfect!’ She jumped up and tottered over to Diana, embracing her and, as a tear of joy slid down her cheek, turned to us again and said, ‘I could not be happier. This was so terribly important to me. I’m so proud of my girls!’

I stood in shock, confused about whether there had been some kind of chemical leak nearby and everyone in the room was losing their vision or something.

I turned to my mum for confirmation but even she was nodding slowly, a hand on her heart as she took us both in. I made a face at her, attempting to convey through the medium of my eyes that she needed to speak up and say how awful we looked.

‘I think they look splendid, Helena; you are truly talented, Diana. What are you doing with your face, Anna? You look like you’re trying to impersonate Fenella’s dear little Chihuahua.’

‘Mum,’ Marianne began, picking her words carefully, ‘I love the colour bu–’

‘Oh, Marianne,’ Helena interrupted, breezing across the room and pulling Marianne into her arms, which in these dresses – with the skirt poofing out so much – was not easy. She had to go in from a side angle just to reach her. ‘I knew you’d love it! I am so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter!’

Marianne froze, unsure what to do as Helena dabbed her eyes. They all turned to look at me for my verdict. Marianne furrowed her brow in concentration at me and I knew she was trying to do what I had been attempting with Mum. She was desperate for me to tell the truth.

But how could I? Helena was so happy and the designer was standing next to me and do you know what she was holding? PINS. A load of very sharp pins. I had no choice.

‘I think these dresses are just . . . great.’

Marianne looked at the ceiling in despair.

‘Oh, Anna,’ Helena cried, coming over to embrace me and stroke the sleeves of the dress lovingly. ‘Don’t you just love all these ruffles?’

‘I . . . er sure do.’

‘And the skirts are so big and voluminous – I just love them!’

‘Yeah.’ I smiled weakly, trying to sound enthusiastic. ‘Are you sure we’ll all fit down the aisle? Ha ha.’

‘I think I need to take it in at the chest,’ Diana was saying, examining me closely. ‘I didn’t realise you were quite so small there.’

Brilliant, thanks for that, Diana.

‘Yes, she hasn’t developed in that area quite yet.’

Wonderful, thank you, Mum.

‘If only you could wear this dress to the family dinner we’re having before you head off to Rome on your adventure,’ Helena sighed. ‘Because then Connor could see you in it! Such a shame!’

‘Uh huh. That’s really . . . uh . . . That is a big shame.’

‘We should get out of them now,’ Marianne said hurriedly. ‘Don’t want to crease them. You know. Any more than they are. Ha ha.’

‘Good point, Marianne, you’re so thoughtful.’ Helena clapped her hands. ‘But don’t worry, darlings, just a few more weeks and the whole world will see you in these magnificent designs! Doesn’t that just make you want to cry ?’

Marianne and I exchanged a grimace. Helena had hit the nail on the head.

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: So

Are you feeling nervous?

J x

P.S. Why aren’t you answering your phone?

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: So

Why would I be feeling nervous?

Love, me xxx

P.S. Dog gave my phone to Hamish. You know, the Pomeranian that lives down the road. His owner only just returned it.

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: So

Because you’re about to go for dinner with your whole family. And Connor.

What is it with your dog stealing your phone?!

J x

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: So

What’s the big deal about going for dinner with my family and Connor?

I think it’s kind of sweet what Dog did. Maybe it was Hamish’s birthday or something. Dog is very thoughtful that way.

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: So

Anna. For the last time. Dog is a DOG. He doesn’t understand birthday occasions. He doesn’t go out of his way to bring a present to the Pomeranian down the road. He is simply a canine thief.

Anyway, I’m glad you’re not nervous or anything. I was just worried you would be because of the time Danny and I went for dinner with your whole family.

You know, when we were at that Turkish restaurant and your mum and Helena joined in with the belly dancers and your dad drank all that raki or whatever it’s called and then told us the story about when a director told him he could be the next Brad Pitt, but he turned it down for the, and I quote, ‘bewitching nature of the written word’.

But that’s good you’re not worried! I’m sure it will be great.

Right I’m going to shut down my computer now and go check I’ve got everything ready to go for Rome for the hundredth time. I’M SO EXCITED!

Message me after. Now you have your phone back there’s no excuse.

J x

*

Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

*BEEP*

Jess. It’s me. Anna. You’re right. I can’t believe I didn’t stop to consider the family of weirdos I was born into and the disaster zone into which Connor is about to step. You have to HELP. How do I cancel the dinner?! ANSWER YOUR PHONE.

Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

*BEEP*

Jess, pick up, this is an emergency. Oh Lord, I just remembered when Mum and Marianne had just met and Mum told her a story about how she befriended a bushpig in Malawi. WHAT IF SHE TELLS CONNOR THE STORY ABOUT BEFRIENDING A BUSHPIG? Would you date someone whose mother told you a story about befriending a bushpig? Exactly. It’s all over.

Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

*BEEP*

Plan A has failed. Dad didn’t buy the story I told him about there being a panther on the loose, escaped from London Zoo, and we should all stay inside for our own safety. Turns out London Zoo doesn’t even HAVE panthers. I’ll have to come up with a Plan B. What kind of zoo doesn’t have panthers? Stupid zoo.

Hi! You’ve reached Jess. Leave me a message and I’ll give you a buzz.

*BEEP*

Plan B failed. And now my arms are covered in ketchup for no good reason. Dad is yelling at me to clean up otherwise we’re going to be late. Well, the dinner is going ahead. Connor has no idea what he’s getting himself into. I’ll call you later when I no longer have a boyfriend and my life is over.

Hello! It’s Anna here. Leave a message. OK, bye!

*BEEP*

Just got all your messages. What on EARTH was Plan B?

*

‘Anna,’ my mum chuckled over her salmon, ‘I think when people ask what you’re most looking forward to on a trip to beautiful Roma, you shouldn’t lead with “getting away from all the stupid London pigeons”.’

‘They’re getting out of control. It’s like they’re plotting, the way they strut around the place,’ I argued, letting Marianne steal a chip from my plate. ‘When there’s a pigeon on the throne, don’t say I didn’t warn you.’

‘They are truly a threat to national security,’ Connor nodded, throwing me a disarming smile. ‘Thank goodness Helena knows the prime minister personally.’

‘Well, yes. You know, he has a wicked sense of humour, although you wouldn’t have guessed it from the ties he wears. Anyway, I think it’s just fabulous that you get to go on such a trip,’ Helena enthused. ‘You’ll come back for the wedding completely refreshed.’

‘And such a place! Ah Roma,’ Mum sighed.

‘What happened in Roma ?’ Marianne asked eagerly as Mum got this dazed look on her face.

‘Oh, you know.’ She picked up her glass, swirled its contents and slowly leaned back in her chair as though she were Gandalf about to tell the hobbits of her great adventure. ‘I met Alberto there.’

‘Mum,’ I groaned, looking at her pleadingly. ‘Please don’t say anything too weird.’

‘He was a handsome poet and he played a ukulele,’ she sighed, causing Marianne to giggle and me to put my head in my hands. ‘I became his muse.’

‘Oh, Rebecca, how wonderful!’ Helena swooned.

Connor and my dad shared a glance and looked distinctly awkward. I slid further down in my chair and became very focused on my glass of water.

‘Such a shame that you can’t go, Connor,’ Mum said, tilting her head sympathetically. ‘It really is a very romantic city. You and Anna could have shared some moments under the stars and –’

I choked on the ice in my drink and began to splutter. Marianne knocked me on the back.

‘Thanks,’ I wheezed before turning to give Mum a pointed look. ‘Anyway, enough about Rome. Let’s talk about Connor’s comic book.’

‘So you’re going to be working on it for the whole summer?’ Marianne asked.

‘Looks like it.’ He nodded enthusiastically. ‘It’s sad to miss out on stuff like Rome, but I have to get on with it. And –’ he turned to smile at me – ‘I can spend time with Anna when she gets back.’

‘I’m sure she’ll have plenty of adventures to tell you about!’ Helena said. ‘Plenty of fun and getting into trouble!’

‘No, no,’ I replied in my most sophisticated and grown-up voice. ‘I will be following all the rules and lying low, drawing no attention to myself whatsoever. The itinerary looks fascinating.’

‘Ow!’ I looked at Marianne accusingly who had for some reason just kicked me in the ankle.

Helena raised her eyebrows in surprise. ‘Well, I hope you’re not intending on following all the rules.’

‘Actually, Helena, I think Anna should absolutely do so,’ Dad said sternly, prompting Mum to snort and Helena to shake her head at him in disappointment.

‘Well, if you’re going to insist on following rules,’ Helena said authoritatively, rolling up the sleeves of her kimono, ‘let them at least be good ones.’

Helena Montaine’s top five rules for making the most of a new city:

1. Don’t be afraid to say ‘yes’ to new things, such as local delicacies and traditions.

‘I don’t think I’d have had half as much fun on that film set in Dubai if I’d said no to riding that ridiculous creature, the camel. At first I didn’t have the slightest interest, but I very much bonded with Ibil in the end. When he stopped spitting, of course.’

2. Speak to the locals.

‘This is an absolute necessity when visiting a new place because they will be able to point you in the direction of the cleanest lavatory facilities in the area. Indispensable knowledge.’

3. Make sure that you visit at least one historic landmark early on in the trip so you can get a photo of yourself next to it.

‘Then if you just happen to wander into a luxurious spa and end up staying there for a few days, no one can accuse you of missing out on the terribly important culture of wherever you are because you have photographic evidence.’

4. Be sure to learn at least one essential phrase that you will be using often in the local language of where you are holidaying.

‘For Italy I recommend attenzione con la mia casella di cappello, which means “careful with my hat box”.’

5. Make your own rules.

‘It is YOUR holiday and you are making YOUR memories. Make sure they are good ones. And by that I mean fun ones.’

I laughed nervously as I think I caught Connor frowning slightly at that last one.

‘Helena’s right,’ my mum insisted. ‘This is Anna’s first big adventure. She should make the most of it.’

‘Speaking of adventures,’ Marianne began, ‘I actually have my own adventure to tell you about. I’m moving.’ She beamed. ‘Tom and I have decided to move in together.’

I sat in shock. Marianne hadn’t mentioned anything about this to me – I didn’t even realise they’d talked about things like that. Judging by the expression on Helena’s face, she hadn’t mentioned it to her mother either.

‘I know it’s quite fast, but we’re totally committed and we’ve talked it through extensively. We’re both really excited and now seems like a good time. He’ll be on tour for the next couple of months so I’m going to be looking for the perfect place and then when he gets back we’ll move in.’

‘Well,’ Mum smiled, taking charge as Helena looked completely gobsmacked. ‘Congratulations, Marianne, that’s very exciting.’

‘Yes,’ Helena agreed, pulling herself together. ‘It does all seem quite fast but then I’m one to talk. You have to do what makes you happy.’ She turned to Dad who smiled back at her in a goofy way, reaching over to link his fingers with hers before kissing her hand.

I mean, I know it’s cute that they’re so in love and blah blah blah, but do they need to do this kind of thing in front of ME?

I couldn’t even look at Connor at this point. But he reached over and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. I blushed and looked at my feet.

‘Tom makes me happy. The happiest ever,’ Marianne gushed, her cheeks flushing pink.

‘Well then –’ Helena raised her glass – ‘how exciting. Congratulations, Marianne.’

‘My goodness, what a summer!’ My mum laughed. ‘Here’s to the wedding, Connor’s comic book, Marianne’s new place and Anna’s Roman adventure!’

As everyone stretched over to clink glasses, Marianne leaned gently towards me so that our shoulders were touching.

‘And,’ she whispered in my ear so that no one else could hear, ‘here’s to making your own rules.’

The whole of the next morning I tried to act like it was just a normal day in front of Dog. He sat next to me while I brushed my teeth as he always did, and I could see him eyeing me suspiciously as I put my toothbrush in a washbag and not into its normal mug. Then I saw him look mildly puzzled as I went around the house picking up everyday items such as my phone charger and my shampoo and taking them upstairs to my room, then shutting the door.

‘Anna!’ my dad yelled up the stairs. ‘You’re going to be late! Rebecca, Helena and Marianne will be here any minute. We’ve got to get everything packed up and ready!’

‘What’s Dog doing?’ I shouted back through my door.

‘What?’

‘I said, what is Dog doing?’ I carefully opened my door so I could peer out through the crack.

‘I don’t know, Anna,’ Dad said, exasperated. ‘I think he’s chewing on the Monopoly board in the sitting room. I’ve told you not to leave board games within his reach. Don’t you remember the incident with Snakes and Ladders?’

‘So, he’s distracted?’

‘Yes. He’s not passed Go yet.’ Dad laughed VERY loudly at his own joke.

‘Dad, I’m being serious! I need to know the coast is clear for me to bring my suitcase down.’

‘For goodness’ sake, Anna, just bring it down. Do you want me to come and help you with it?’

‘No! No, stay downstairs. If you come up here, he might know something is up. Act as normal as possible. Grab some paper and moan about deadlines or say something boring about the war like normal.’ I heard Dad mumble something about ungrateful teenagers as I opened my door wide enough for me to squeeze through with my suitcase. ‘Is the front door open?’

‘Yes.’

‘Is the boot open?’

‘Yes!’

‘OK, well, make sure you leave my pathway clear. I’m going to run down with the suitcase and quickly out the door, before throwing it in the boot without Dog seeing a thing. If Dog approaches, you need to alert me and I’ll run back up and hide the suitcase.’

‘Alert you?’

‘Yes. Secret code. Do a squawk or something.’

‘A squawk ? Anna, what are you talking about?’

I sighed at how slow he was being when we were already pressed for time. ‘That’s code for “Dog is on the move”.’

‘Or I could just say, Dog is on the move. You know, because he’s a dog and he doesn’t understand human speak?’ Dad huffed.

‘Yeah, that’s what you think. I know better. Is the coast clear? Maybe I should hunt out my walkie-talkies. They might be helpful.’

‘Anna, just come down the stairs and put your suitcase in the car before I lose my temper.’

‘FINE. But if Dog sees the suitcase and goes mad because he knows that I’m leaving him, you can’t blame ME for anything that gets broken when he punishes me.’

‘Anna –’