The It Girl: Superstar Geek

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Are you a pyromaniac?!

So I tried looking for you after school but someone said you’d gone home early. And I’ve been trying to call and you’re not picking up your home phone or mobile, which I assume means you and Dog are watching something?

What happened today?? Is it true that you set the science block on fire??

Write back asap.

J x

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: Are you a pyromaniac?!

Dad’s out on a date so Dog and I are passing the time by YouTube-ing scenes from The Lion King. The reason I can’t pick up the phone is because I attempted to lift Dog up as though he was Simba on Pride Rock during that ‘Circle of Life’ song. Anyway, I couldn’t do it and he fell back on to me, landing on my arm which now really hurts and I think I twisted my ankle so I’m staying put on the sofa.

I think he’s put on a few pounds.

No, I didn’t set the science block on fire. I set Josie Graham’s hair on fire.

Love, me xxx

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: ARE YOU INSANE?!

Why would you set fire to Ms Deputy Queen Bee’s hair? You do realise that her mum once met Kate Moss? The school is really going to hate you, you know.

Is this because no one has asked you to the dance yet? Like some kind of protest thing against all the girls who have been asked? It’s not until the end of term - you’ve still got ages for someone to ask you.

J x

PS Why would you even think it was a good idea to try to lift a fully grown Labrador? Stop trying to act out movies, you weirdo.

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: ARE YOU INSANE?!

No, I am not insane. I just need to check that hairspray-laden girls aren’t anywhere near Bunsen burners when I turn them on in the future.

The school definitely hates me. Josie looked like she was going to strangle me or something. I feared for my life. It was like that time I peed myself a little bit when the really scary IT teacher at my last school yelled at me for taking paper out of the printer.

Do you think she’ll tell Sophie? Do you think Sophie will hate me?

That would really be bad news because the other day I could have sworn that Sophie laughed at one of my jokes she overheard me telling Danny in the corridor. I thought that maybe she might not think I was such a loser after all.

And, excuse me, but I don’t even care that no one’s asked me to the dance. I don’t need a date. Last time I went to a dance I didn’t have a date and I was totally fine. I just danced with a balloon. It made everyone laugh but in a ‘she’s really funny’ way not in a ‘laughing at me’ way.

Love, me xxx

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Um . . . I’m sorry . . . what?

That email was disturbing on so many levels.

You peed yourself? Dude, how old were you when this happened?

What do you mean you danced with a balloon?

You’re making me nervous with all these weird stories from your past.

J x

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: Um . . . I’m sorry . . . what?

It was two years ago. But only a little pee. It wasn’t like I wet myself. She just came out of nowhere and it gave me a fright.

Dancing with a balloon is a reasonable and funny thing to do. It’s what Oscar Wilde would have done. It’s a scathing comment on our society of dependent and irrational figures who consider themselves incomplete without a significant other.

Love, me xxx

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: It is confirmed, you actually are insane

Maybe don’t ever tell anyone else about that pee story.

Ditto the balloon one.

J x

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Quick question

Do you still want to be friends with me now that I’ve set Josie Graham’s hair on fire? I completely understand if you don’t.

Same for Danny. If I were you guys I wouldn’t want to be friends with me.

Love, me xxx

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: Quick question

Are you kidding? If we didn’t have you as a friend, who would we laugh at?

We need you, if only for entertainment value.

J x

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: Quick question

Who did you laugh at before I came into your lives?

Love, me xxx

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: Quick question

The weirdo who used to live next door to Danny and sang songs from musicals while wearing a chicken suit.

I think the chicken suit was something to do with his job. Can’t be sure.

Anyway, when he moved house last summer, Danny and I were gutted. But then you totally filled that gap when you arrived in September.

J x

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Now I’m really depressed

Wait. I replaced a guy in a chicken suit who sang songs from the West End?

THAT’S WHO I REPLACED IN YOUR LIFE?

I should have set myself on fire today.

Love, me xxx

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: Now I’m really depressed

You know, if you really wanted to fill the gap left by the chicken-suit man, you could sing songs from musicals in lunch breaks.

My personal favourite is Fame because I’m fun and amazing. Danny’s is My Fair Lady because he’s basically an old man and apparently it’s based on some play that no one cares about.

Just a tip if you really want to win us over.

J x

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: HA

My stage career started and ended when I was forced to be a shepherd in a nativity play. I walked on to the stage, saw everyone staring, burst into tears and ran straight back off. Into a tree.

Why, I have to ask, was there even a tree involved in the production? Last time I checked, there were no trees in stables at Bethlehem. Our drama teacher was clearly an idiot.

Also I can’t sing. Not one note. Sorry to be a disappointment in comparison to chicken-suit man. So as much as I want to stay your friend for the rest of time, I can guarantee you - never going to happen.

I am, however, naturally gifted at setting people on fire.

Maybe my career lies in some kind of flame-inspired capacity. Ooo! Maybe I’ll be really good at welding metal with blowtorches or something! THEN I COULD MAKE A SUIT JUST LIKE IRON MAN!

That would be so cool. I need to speak to our DT department. I’m guessing they’ll have access to blowtorches? They need to take advantage of my skill set now while I’m young and malleable.

Love, me xxx

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: HA

What’s Iron Man? Is it one of those Marvin comic book characters that you’re obsessed with? Like that stretchy person?

J x

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: HA

OK, firstly it’s Marvel, not Marvin.

Secondly, please do not refer to Mr Fantastic as ‘that stretchy person’.

And lastly, yes, Iron Man is a comic book character. Tony Stark develops an iron suit with repulsor beams and flight ability so he can take on bad guys.

Everyone would want to be my friend if I had one of those!

Love, me xxx

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: HA

Now, you see, it’s times like this when I genuinely worry that you’re being serious.

J x

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Trust me

I am being serious.

I’ve just sent Dog on a mission to find Dad’s tool kit. He might have something in there I can experiment with.

Love, me xxx

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: You’ve lost it

You can’t send dogs on missions. They can’t understand what you’re saying. They’re DOGS.

Judging by today I think it might actually be best if you avoid any tools that produce flames.

What are you up to tonight, anyway? Let me guess . . . you’ve finished your homework already (geek) and you’re going to watch some film that was made before we were born (nerd). Am I correct?

J x

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: You’re right

Pretty much. Dog came back with a lampshade instead of a tool kit. No idea where that came from. Anyway we are now watching this movie Dad is always going on about by that famous guy called Hitchcock. Bit of a slow start but Dad’s recommendations are usually good. This one’s meant to be a classic.

Love, me xxx

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: IMPORTANT

What film have you put on, Anna? I mean it - this is important!

From: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

To: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: Re: IMPORTANT

Chill out - it’s called Psycho. Gotta go, it’s starting.

Love, me xxx

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: ABORT MISSION. MAYDAY. ABORT MISSION!

Anna - you do not want to watch that movie! I know what you’re like with scary movies! It’s a horror film!!! TURN IT OFF NOW.

You’ve turned it off, right?

From: jess.delby@zingmail.co.uk

To: anna_huntley@zingmail.co.uk

Subject: (no subject)

Anna? ANNA? Did you get my last email???

That’s it. I’m coming over. Don’t build any forts this time.

J x

Hi, you have reached Nick Huntley’s phone. Please leave your name, number and any message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you.

* B E E P *

‘Hi, Dad! Yeah, it’s me. I know you’re out and about but I thought I’d ring and say hi! And also tell you that I’ve decided to watch that Psycho film you’re always talking about. You know the one by that director Hitchcock you’re always giving long and boring speeches about. It was in the DVD player already and Dog has settled right down so I know he approves. I hope this is entertaining. Enjoy your evening. OK, bye.’

Hi, you have reached Nick Huntley’s phone. Please leave your name, number and any message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you.

* B E E P *

‘DAD! Dad, it’s me. Dad, something awful has happened! Dad, she got stabbed. IN THE SHOWER. I can’t BELIEVE that you let me watch something like that, that you actually ENCOURAGED me to watch that film. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I hope you know what this means. I WILL NEVER SHOWER AGAIN.’

Hi, you have reached Nick Huntley’s phone. Please leave your name, number and any message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you.

* B E E P *

‘Hey, Dad, so I was thinking. Maybe you could come home soon? Just quickly, you wouldn’t have to miss anything. You could just come home, check the house for murderers and then go back on out. Think about it. OK, bye. OH MY GOD. THE DOORBELL JUST RANG. DAD, DAD, YOU HAVE TO COME HOME.’

Hi, you have reached Nick Huntley’s phone. Please leave your name, number and any message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you.

* B E E P *

‘Um, Mr Huntley? Uh yeah, hi, this is Jess. You know, Anna’s friend from school. Just to let you know that you can ignore all those messages she left you. I came over and found her in the cupboard hiding behind the Henry Hoover, holding your golf club. She’s a bit better now though so you don’t need to worry. Lucky I know where your spare key is, hey! Anyway, hope you enjoy your evening. Uh yeah, bye.’

Jess was waiting by my locker when I came into school the next day.

‘Morning, sunshine. How are you feeling?’

‘Um,’ I replied, trying to ignore the glares of everyone passing us. ‘Not brilliant.’

‘I thought you might say that, which is why I bought you some of these.’ She reached into her bag and pulled out some Milk Bottles.

‘Thanks, but I’m not sure even Milk Bottles can help this time.’

‘Look, don’t worry about these guys,’ she said, gesturing to a group of Year 9s who giggled as they walked past. It looked like the whole school knew. ‘It will all blow over.’

‘I don’t think it will somehow. I’m destined to be the girl who set Josie Graham on fire for the rest of my school career.’

‘Don’t be silly. It was an accident, everyone knows that.’ Jess shrugged.

‘Really?’

‘Of course. Danny said he overheard Brendan Dakers saying it was an accident.’

‘What?’ I said in utter shock. ‘Brendan Dakers said that? Are you sure?’

‘Yes. Try not to swoon too much. It’ll probably work in your favour, considering for some unknown reason people in this school tend to hang on his every word.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Apparently he also said it was hilarious to watch.’

‘Something tells me that Josie won’t have found it so funny.’ The first bell rang and I sighed. ‘I wish I didn’t have to go to class.’

‘Just laugh about it – no one was hurt.’ Jess gave me a friendly nudge. ‘It’s like I said last night.’

‘Speaking of which, Dad wanted me to thank you again for coming over and rescuing me. Who knows how long I would have been in that cupboard for.’

‘No worries. Right, I better head otherwise I’m going to be late and I’ve already been given a warning about my timekeeping.’ Jess swung her bag over her shoulder.

‘Jess, you can’t leave me. Sophie Parker is in this lesson. She’s going to kill me. You don’t get away with setting fire to her best friend lightly.’

‘How could she kill you? She doesn’t have any weapons.’

‘I’m not sure that would stop her.’

‘I think her sister had a black belt. She used to go to school here. She might have taught Sophie how to karate-chop you.’

‘A lot of saliva is building up in my mouth right now.’

‘Calm down. Sophie is not going to kill you. And if she was then she would definitely wait until after school so as not to make it look suspicious.’

‘Brilliant. Thanks for that.’

‘I hope she doesn’t kill you.’

‘You’re a good friend.’

Jess gave me a cheerful wave and walked off into the direction of her lesson.

I stood there wishing I could be more like Jess. She’s beautiful, super cool and confident and never seems to worry about anything. She has long, blonde dip-dyed hair and always paints her nails loads of different colours. She’s good at every sport she plays and captain of the netball team, which made Sophie Parker really mad.

Sophie expected to be captain since she is pretty much in charge of everything else that goes on, being the most popular girl in our year. Apparently her sister was the most popular girl in this school when she was here and was captain of all the sports teams. When Sophie wasn’t appointed captain of the netball team, her parents were very upset about it and came in especially to speak to our sports teacher, while Sophie cried behind them.

Dad has never had this sort of problem with me. I peaked in physical education when I was eight and was forced to join in with a football activity at school. I was distracted by a pigeon, the ball came my way, deflected off my bottom and bounced into the goal. My sporting career has gone downhill ever since.

Anyway, Sophie dragging in her parents didn’t faze our sports teacher who stuck to her guns and told them Jess was captain, fair and square. Upsetting the most popular girl in the year didn’t exactly do much for Jess’s popularity stakes but Jess got over that pretty quickly.

Our friendship was actually born that day, right after Sophie and her parents stormed out of the sports hall having not got their way. Jess was waiting for her best friend, Danny, and I was waiting for Dad to come to get me to pick up Mum from the airport (who came to stay for a week to see the new house and ask me unending questions about my first week at the new school).

We were standing in silence about a metre apart and I noticed she looked pretty down. I guess because Sophie and her sidekick, Josie, had made it clear what they thought about Jess being made captain. I offered her a cookie but she just shook her head in a ‘stop bugging me’ way. I nodded and we stood in silence again.

‘You had a bad day?’ I asked after a few minutes.

‘Yeah,’ she sighed, folding her arms. ‘Pretty bad.’

I was thoughtful for a moment. ‘Want me to do a tap dance for you?’

She blinked at me. ‘What?’

‘To cheer you up. Here.’ I put my bag down and launched into what was not really a tap dance because I’ve never done tap dancing and I wasn’t wearing tap shoes. But it always made my dad laugh when I attempted it in our sitting room so I thought it might go down well.

Jess watched me, baffled. And when Danny came along to walk home with her, I stopped. She didn’t say anything but threw me a big smile over her shoulder as they left. The next day when I arrived at school, preparing for yet another terrifying morning of being the new girl no one was interested in, they both came over to me and asked if I needed showing around the place.

Ever since then Jess and Danny have really taken care of me at school. They showed me the ropes, like where to stand in assembly so you don’t get spat on by over-enthusiastic teachers during the hymns, and how to get the dinner ladies to give you second helpings.

Jess even picks me to be on her team in PE despite knowing I’m completely useless. I did tell her last term that she didn’t have to do that, and I wouldn’t be insulted as I know I’m one of the worst.

‘Whatever, Anna,’ she’d replied breezily. ‘It’s not a pity thing. I like having you on my team. It’s more of a challenge to win that way. And you know I love a challenge. Plus you provide excellent comic relief.’

She can say what she likes, I know she picks me because she doesn’t want me to be last.

Yep, it definitely would have been good right now to be Jess but I wasn’t. I was me. It sucked. I walked into the lesson apprehensively, noticed that the room hushed, and went to sit down in my chair. Immediately a shadow fell over my desk and I blinked up to see Sophie Parker staring down at me with her arms folded, her light grey eyes narrowing at me and her glossy highlighted hair falling neatly around her shoulders.

‘Hannah, isn’t it?’ she said.

‘Um. Anna.’

‘Right. Jess Delby’s best friend.’

Uh oh.

‘So I heard about what happened yesterday, obviously. What you tried to do to my best friend. What is wrong with you? You could have really hurt her.’

‘Don’t exaggerate, Sophie. Josie had her hair singed and that was it,’ a voice piped up from the corner.

Sophie spun round to see who had dared defy her and Connor Lawrence, leaning back in his chair looking very pleased with himself, stared right back at her mischievously through his dark fringe.

Brilliant. I groaned inwardly. Of all people to come to my defence, it had to be someone like Connor Lawrence. He has fewer friends than me. And I only have two. (Three if you count Dog, but Jess and Danny say that I can’t, which personally I find unreasonable.)

‘Er, who even are you?’ My heart sunk as Connor ignored Sophie entirely and carried on. ‘If Josie had any brains, she would have just turned on the tap of the sink right next to where she was sitting and shoved her big head under it.’

There was a nervous titter around the classroom and I felt the tension rising rapidly as Sophie inhaled sharply at the insult to her sidekick. I sat awkwardly, wishing that Connor would just leave it alone.

‘Ugh. Don’t even bother speaking to me. No one asked you your opinion, weirdo!’ Sophie spat angrily before turning to round on me again. ‘Did you set fires at your last school? Is that why you don’t have any friends?’