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I swallow the lump in my throat that threatens to break me, knowing that Jeremy’s word is his bond and this is never more true than when his promises involve me. I have never in my life needed to be stronger with him than now.
‘Please sit down, Jeremy.’ I guide him back to his seat at the table, knowing I need the advantage of my standing position. I pause until I have their undivided attention.
‘I have made my decision.’
He immediately jumps back up. So much for that strategy.
‘What do you mean, you have made your decision? We haven’t discussed anything yet, besides Martin and I have been working through options —’
‘Jeremy, please,’ I interrupt, ‘there is nothing to discuss. If my children are at risk there is only one solution.’ I steady my hands against the table and take a deep breath, preparing the words I need to release before they falter. ‘The bitch can have my blood. It’s only blood. I want this nightmare to end. If she gets what she wants, maybe my life will be left intact rather than in the pieces in which she seems determined to shred it.’
I’m always shocked to hear myself unexpectedly swear, but it seems Madame Goldy brings out the very worst in me.
‘Over my dead body, Alexa. It is not going to happen.’
A heaviness descends on his mood and the seriousness of his voice confirms that my decision is far from agreed from his perspective. This could be a very long night. He indicates to Martin by a nod of his head to pack up the notes on the table, then takes a firm grip of my elbow and steers me into the lounge room. I hear the front door quietly open and close. Here we go. I brace myself for the inevitable conflict and decide to make the first move.
‘I will not put my children in any danger, Jeremy, ever.’
His arms wrap around me and he doesn’t let me go. He holds my head against his chest, pressing my ear to the beat of his heart, his lips touching the top of my head. I try to stay strong. I try to push him away before I am forced to tear myself away, away from the man I have finally been reunited with after all these years, the man I have loved since I first understood what love could be.
‘Let it go, sweetheart. You don’t need to do this alone. I am here for you. Please, let me be strong for you, for all of you.’ His words penetrate through my implacable facade and my body crumples within his firm grasp. Tears spill from my eyes as his body remains the rock his words promised. Although I still know what path I must take, I have to concede that Jeremy knows exactly what I need right now. He secures me in his embrace until my tears subside, understanding my emotional exhaustion before effortlessly scooping me up and carrying me into the master suite, placing my weary body and mind carefully on the bed as if I’m made of eggshells — a good reflection of how I feel, actually.
‘Do you need something to help you sleep?’ he asks gently.
‘You know what I’m like, Jeremy. Even the weakest drug seems to hit me hard. I’ll see how I go. Right now I have so many uncontrollable thoughts running through my head. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. I don’t know what to do.’
‘Can I help in trying to subdue them for a while?’
‘How?’ Wondering where his mind is going.
‘I could run a bath.’
‘Ah …’ I relax a little. ‘What a perfect suggestion.’
‘Lavender?’
The tiniest of smiles appears on my face, accompanying the worry that creases my brow. ‘Of course.’
A few minutes later, slightly calmer, in the serenity of the surrounding warmth of scented water, I snuggle close into Jeremy’s chest as I lie nestled between his legs.
‘Just when everything was going so well, she pulls the rug from beneath our feet — again. Why can’t we find her, J? Why hasn’t she been brought to face any form of justice?’
‘Her time will come, sweetheart, I promise you. Someone like Jurilique will come unstuck eventually, even if it is by her own doing.’
‘Eventually isn’t soon enough. I need her to come unstuck in the next ten days before my life implodes into the unknown yet again.’
His legs immediately tense around my body. ‘You will not be going anywhere near that woman, Alexa.’
I know this isn’t going to be an easy argument to win with him, but he must know that I don’t have a choice given the circumstances, surely?
‘You’ve gone quiet. Why?’ he murmurs into my hair.
He has always been able to ask me the unanswerable. I am quiet. I’m quiet because I don’t want to have this argument, one we should never be forced to have, an argument that will cause us both no end of pain because of who we are and what we know is imperative to our lives. Me to him and my children to me.
I release a deep sigh filled with both frustration and resignation. ‘I honestly don’t know what to say. I feel numb.’
‘I can understand you feeling numb. Just as I feel furious with her heinous demands. But I know you too well, AB, to think that you don’t have thousands of thoughts running through that beautiful head on your shoulders. Please, share them with me. Now more than ever we need to communicate openly with each other. Don’t let her get between us by sending a piece of paper.’
An anxious chuckle escapes me at his oversimplification of my dilemma. ‘Is that how you would describe those headlines if they were about you, Dr Quinn? A mere piece of paper.’
The image of those headlines has been burned indelibly into my brain:
Slut mother shuns kids for kinky sex experiment.
Dr Blake bares all — check out her best angles here.
Psychologist turns Psycho — would you leave your kids with this mother?
Adultery — sadomasochism — is this what you teach your kids?
‘I’m not saying it’s great, obviously. But it’s nothing we can’t deal with. We are stronger than that.’
‘The photos, J, you should see the photos she has of me. As if the headlines aren’t bad enough but she has the graphic evidence that, shown in the wrong context, supports them. If they were just between you and me, I’ve no doubt we’d find them privately provocative. But to share them with the world … I’m a mother, a professional. This exposure will ruin me, ruin us. The way Jurilique presents them means they can only be seen as seriously f’ed up from society’s perspective. I don’t want to be in a world where they exist publicly. And imagine if the kids ever saw …’ I choke on my tears, which prevents me from continuing.
‘They won’t, Alexa.’
Frustration at his dismissal of my fears tumbles out in my words. ‘Don’t tell me they won’t when they will. You don’t know what she’s like. I’ll end up as a recluse if I don’t give her what she wants in ten days. Unable to work any more, unable to face the world, or even my own family if the truth be known. I swear to God and to you, I will never allow her to touch my children. She can have my blood and I’ll keep my life. It’s the only way to deal with this.’
I feel Jeremy’s chest rise and fall with each breath, and I sense his attempt to control his anger and anxiety for my sake. His palm is absentmindedly stroking my shoulder and now I wish I could hear his thoughts. I’m as concerned about his silence as he was with mine. We both know this argument is not going to be resolved tonight, so I change tack. ‘Can you promise me one thing?’
‘Depends.’ His mood remains dark; he is still far away from me, absorbed in his thoughts.
‘We only have a few more days left at Disney World with the kids until we meet up with Robert. I don’t want them to know anything about this. I want to enjoy this time with them in case —’
His hand immediately covers my mouth, stopping me from saying any more.
‘Don’t ever speak like that, Alexa. I literally won’t let you.’ He maintains this position to give more credence to his statement and grips me tight against his hard body, as if buying time to get his own thoughts in order. His legs anchor around mine and twist around my ankles, spreading me as wide as the bath will allow. I’m fully restrained against him. ‘But I think it’s a good idea,’ he continues. ‘We should maintain the status quo while we’re here, for the sake of the children.’
I immediately relax as he accepts my suggestion and my body melts into the warmth of his.
‘Now that we have at least agreed on one thing, I have some additional business to attend to.’ I try to speak, but his hand still covers my mouth. I think he is enjoying controlling the silence, possibly the only thing he can control about me at the moment, so I remain still against him. He can sense my question. ‘Well, sweetheart, if you’re not going to accept any drugs to help you sleep tonight, then the least I can do is provide your mind and body some relief and distraction from your endless thought processes.’
His free arm slides beneath my body and arrives conveniently between my legs, tantalisingly close to my sex. His hand around my mouth now stifles my groans, rather than my words, and he doesn’t hesitate to slip his finger in to torment my tongue. He has deftly pre-empted any potential protest as his magic fingers work between my legs to send my body into a frenzy. Almost instantly my ‘endless’ thoughts vaporise into the steaming water surrounding us.
I would have sworn that it would have been impossible for me to orgasm in my current state of angst. I was wrong. Twice, as a matter of fact. What is it about us and baths?
Needless to say, my emotional exhaustion, and the ultimate escapism he provided enabled me to achieve just what the doctor ordered … a dreamless night’s sleep.
Wishing time would stand still rather than marching determinedly forward, we spend the next few days wholeheartedly engaged with Elizabeth and Jordan at Disney World. We water slide, fall from terrifying heights, get splashed on boat rides, experience 4D movies, see ghosts, meet Mickey and Minnie and Donald’s entire family, Lightning McQueen, Tinkerbell and Ariel, and they all still managed to touch the kids’ hearts, as did their rides. Martin is never more than a few feet away from us and it was obvious he and Jeremy have reinforcements, who, even though they attempt to blend into the crowds, are continually loitering in the background. I don’t want anything to distract me from the kids’ joy so I don’t discuss it with Jeremy, knowing it would be a yet another redundant argument. I can’t help but notice the tentative looks that continually pass between him and Martin whenever we are out in public. Each time I catch them, Jeremy immediately masks his concern with a smile and enthusiastically captures the kids’ attention to distract me, and them, from my impending doom.
Our initial plan is to check out of the hotel tomorrow night and fly to Los Angeles to meet up with Robert, before heading back to Tasmania. I’m not sure if I want Robert involved in any of this chaos. I just want it to be over as soon as possible. Jeremy has asked me to think about whether or not I would have Elizabeth and Jordan’s blood tested; perhaps I’m being naive, but I want them to enjoy the holiday without needles and my mess impinging on their happiness. So many irresolvable thoughts, questions and logistics cascade through my head.
We haven’t had further discussions. We are both desperately trying to live in denial as long as we can stretch it out. A few times during the night, when we are meant to be sleeping, I notice Jeremy out in the lounge room with only the lamp on. One time I catch him pacing the floor and speaking in hushed, anxious tones on the phone. As soon as he sees me in the doorway he quickly hangs up and wraps me in his arms, ushering us both back to bed. The look in his eyes clearly informs me that any questions I have will not be answered right now, but I try anyway.
‘Jeremy, we need to talk. There is so much to work out and I’m starting to freak —’
He silences me with an index finger across my lips, looks something up on his phone and slips it into the docking station before whipping into the bathroom and returning with the ylang ylang massage oil. No doubt he senses my restlessness, but he hasn’t uttered a word since ending his phone call. When he returns the acoustic sounds of classic Australian songs filter through the room.
He slides off my pyjama top (I thought it was best to leave the negligees for when we’re on our own, for the kids’ sake) and guides me onto my stomach. Straddling my buttocks, he positions my arms either side of my body and rubs his hands together in the slippery oil. His large hands slide along my back and shoulders, loosening the tension that has been building since the arrival of the Wicked Witch’s letter. This feels so good.
He continues along my arms and hands, ensuring no part of my upper body is left ignored. I release a sigh as some more of my tension eases. After his thorough absorption with my back, he guides me to my front, now straddling my hips and thighs. He re-anoints his palms with the oil and begins the same process over my belly, chest and breasts. I feel my muscles melting under his firm rhythmic touch.
I stare into his eyes, which seem to be searching my soul in our silence. As if sensing my thoughts he lifts my wrist to his lips and kisses my bracelet.
‘Anam Cara,’ I whisper, knowing we are soul companions, knowing this bracelet symbolises our union and connection to each other. From a practical perspective, it also ensures he can never lose track of me given its GPS chip, something that was weird for me at first but which I’m forever grateful for since my abduction. And they’ve modified the bracelet again to ensure I can be tracked absolutely anywhere … underground, underwater or whatever. Knowing that it can’t be removed protects me and links me to Jeremy always. It binds us together even when we are forced apart.
My heart strains as I acknowledge how hard it will be for him to let me go, or for me to be taken away from him again, but I also know I don’t have a choice. I must do this for my children and for our future together. Surely he realises there is no other way. A tear slides down my face and his kiss is now tender against my cheek instead of against the precious jewellery encircling my wrist. More than anything, right this second and forever more I want Jeremy’s body and soul with me, just as he is now, with focus, dedication and an intimacy and knowledge that has only strengthened between us over the years.
He has been swelling in anticipation since rendering me topless and it is only a few seconds before both our pyjama bottoms are tossed to the floor. He holds himself above me, allowing me to feel his heat and hungrily caress his body.
I am more than ready for him, but suddenly he is in no rush; he kisses me in four places and lingers on sucking and nibbling of each one of my erogenous zones until I’m as wet with perspiration as I am below with desire. His lips reach my lips, his teeth nibbling, his tongue playing until I’m rapturous with desire and he slowly slides his full length into me. I wrap my legs around his taut butt as he anchors my hands to the bed with his. He adjusts slightly to find the perfect pressure point deep inside me, matching the same pressure with his tongue, almost suffocating my mouth with the same fullness as below.
We build together, we move together and we erupt together in perfect synchronicity and with a whispering scream we cry out each other’s name in the height of our shared ecstasy. At this moment there is a part deep within me that fully comprehends that having finally found me again, he will never let me go.
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