How to Stop Worrying and Start Living / Как перестать беспокоиться и начать жить
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When Eleanor Roosevelt was first married, she “worried for days” because her new cook had served a poor meal. “But if that happened now,” Mrs. Roosevelt says, “I would shrug my shoulders and forget it.” Good. That is acting like an adult emotionally. Even Catherine the Great, an absolute autocrat, used to laugh the thing off when the cook spoiled a meal.
Mrs. Carnegie and I had dinner at a friend’s house in Chicago. While carving the meat, he did something wrong. I didn’t notice it; and I wouldn’t have cared even if I had noticed it. But his wife saw it and jumped down his throat right in front of us. “John,” she cried, “watch what you are doing! Can’t you ever learn to serve properly!”
Then she said to us: “He is always making mistakes. He just doesn’t try.” Maybe he didn’t try to carve; but I certainly give him credit for trying to live with her for twenty years. Frankly, I would rather have eaten a couple of hot dogs with mustard – in an atmosphere of peace – than to have dined on Peking duck and shark fins while listening to her scolding.
Shortly after that experience, Mrs. Carnegie and I had some friends at our home for dinner. Just before they arrived, Mrs. Carnegie found that three of the napkins didn’t match the tablecloth.
“I rushed to the cook,” she told me later, “and found that the other three napkins had gone to the laundry. The guests were at the door. There was no time to change. I felt like bursting into tears! All I could think was: ‘Why did this stupid mistake have to spoil my whole evening?’ Then I thought – well – why let it? I went in to dinner, determined to have a good time. And I did. I would much rather our friends think I was a sloppy housekeeper,” she told me, “than a nervous, bad-tempered one. And anyhow, as far as I could make out, no one noticed the napkins!”
A well-known legal maxim says: De minimis non curat lex – “the law does not concern itself with trifles.” And neither should the worrier – if he wants peace of mind. Much of the time, all we need to overcome the annoyance of trifles is to affect a shifting of emphasis – set up a new, and pleasurable, point of view in the mind.
My friend Homer Croy, who wrote They Had to See Paris and a dozen other books, gives a wonderful example of how this can be done. He used to be driven half crazy, while working on a book, by the rattling of the radiators in his New York apartment. The steam would bang and sizzle – and he would sizzle with irritation as he sat at his desk.
“Then,” says Homer Croy, “I went with some friends on a camping expedition. While listening to the limbs crackling in the roaring fire, I thought how much they sounded like the crackling of the radiators. Why should I like one and hate the other? When I went home I said to myself: ‘The crackling of the limbs in the fire was a pleasant sound; the sound of the radiators is about the same – I’ll go to sleep and not worry about the noise.’
And I did. For a few days I was conscious of the radiators; but soon I forgot all about them. “And so it is with many petty worries. We dislike them and get into a stew, all because we exaggerate their importance…”
Disraeli said: “Life is too short to be little.” “Those words,” said Andre Maurois in This Week magazine, “have helped me through many a painful experience: often we allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget… Here we are on this earth, with only a few more decades to live, and we lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that, in a year’s time, will be forgotten by us and by everybody. No, let us devote our life to worth-while actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings. For life is too short to be little.”
Even so illustrious a figure as Rudyard Kipling forgot at times that “Life is too short to be little”. The result? He and his brother-in-law fought the most famous court battle in the history of Vermont – a battle so celebrated that a book has been written about it: Rudyard Kipling’s Vermont Feud.
The story goes like this: Kipling married a Vermont girl, Caroline Balestier, built a lovely home in Brattleboro, Vermont; settled down and expected to spend the rest of his life there. His brother-in-law, Beatty Balestier, became Kipling’s best friend. The two of them worked and played together.
Then Kipling bought some land from Balestier, with the understanding that Balestier would be allowed to cut hay off it each season. One day, Balestier found Kipling laying out a flower garden on this hayfield. His blood boiled. He hit the ceiling. Kipling fired right back. The air over the Green Mountains of Vermont turned blue!
A few days later, when Kipling was out riding his bicycle, his brother-in-law drove a wagon and a team of horses across the road suddenly and forced Kipling to take a spill.
And Kipling the man who wrote: “If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you” – he lost his own head, and swore out a warrant for Balestier’s arrest! A sensational trial followed. Reporters from the big cities poured into the town. The news flashed around the world. Nothing was settled. This quarrel caused Kipling and his wife to abandon their American home for the rest of their lives. All that worry and bitterness over a mere trifle! A load of hay.
Pericles said, twenty-four centuries ago: “Come, gentlemen, we sit too long on trifles.” We do, indeed!
Here is one of the most interesting stories that Dr. Harry Emerson Fosdick ever told – a story about the battles won and lost by a giant of the forest: On the slope of Long’s Peak in Colorado lies the ruin of a gigantic tree. Naturalists tell us that it stood for some four hundred years. It was a seedling when Columbus landed at San Salvador, and half grown when the Pilgrims settled at Plymouth. During the course of its long life it was struck by lightning fourteen times, and the innumerable avalanches and storms of four centuries thundered past it. It survived them all. In the end, however, an army of beetles attacked the tree and leveled it to the ground. The insects ate their way through the bark and gradually destroyed the inner strength of the tree by their tiny but incessant attacks. A forest giant which age had not withered, nor lightning blasted, nor storms subdued, fell at last before beetles so small that a man could crush them between his forefinger and his thumb.
Aren’t we all like that battling giant of the forest? Don’t we manage somehow to survive the rare storms and avalanches and lightning blasts of We, only to let our hearts be eaten out by little beetles of worry – little beetles that could be crushed between a finger and a thumb?
A few years ago, I travelled through the Teton National Park, in Wyoming, with Charles Seifred, highway superintendent for the state of Wyoming, and some of his friends. We were all going to visit the John D. Rockefeller estate in the park. But the car in which I was riding took the wrong turn, got lost, and drove up to the entrance of the estate an hour after the other cars had gone in. Mr. Seifred had the key that unlocked the private gate, so he waited in the hot, mosquito-infested woods for an hour until we arrived. The mosquitoes were enough to drive a saint insane. But they couldn’t triumph over Charles Seifred. While waiting for us, he cut a limb off an aspen tree – and made a whistle of it.
When we arrived, was he cussing the mosquitoes? No, he was playing his whistle. I have kept that whistle as a memento of a man who knew how to put trifles in their place.
To break the worry habit before it breaks you, here is Rule 2:
Let’s not allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget.
Remember: “Life is too short to be little.”
8 – A Law That Will Outlaw Many of Your Worries
As a child, I grew up on a Missouri farm; and one day, while helping my mother pit cherries, I began to cry. My mother said: “Dale, what in the world are you crying about?”
I blubbered: “I’m afraid I am going to be buried alive!”
I was full of worries in those days. When thunderstorms came, I worried for fear I would be killed by lightning. When hard times came, I worried for fear we wouldn’t have enough to eat. I worried for fear I would go to hell when I died. I was terrified for fear an older boy, Sam White, would cut off my big ears – as he threatened to do. I worried for fear girls would laugh at me if I tipped my hat to them. I worried for fear no girl would ever be willing to marry me. I worried about what I would say to my wife immediately after we were married. I imagined that we would be married in some country church, and then get in a surrey with fringe on the top and ride back to the farm… but how would I be able to keep the conversation going on that ride back to the farm? How? How? I pondered over that earth-shaking problem for many an hour as I walked behind the plough.
As the years went by, I gradually discovered that ninety-nine per cent of the things I worried about never happened.
For example, as I have already said, I was once terrified of lightning; but I now know that the chances of my being killed by lightning in any one year are, according to the National Safety Council, only one in three hundred and fifty thousand.
My fear of being buried alive was even more absurd: I don’t imagine that one person in ten million is buried alive; yet I once cried for fear of it.
One person out of every eight dies of cancer. If I had wanted something to worry about, I should have worried about cancer – instead of being killed by lightning or being buried alive.
To be sure, I have been talking about the worries of youth and adolescence. But many of our adult worries are almost as absurd. You and I could probably eliminate nine-tenths of our worries right now if we would cease our fretting long enough to discover whether, by the law of averages, there was any real justification for our worries.
The most famous insurance company on earth – Lloyd’s of London – has made countless millions out of the tendency of everybody to worry about things that rarely happen. Lloyd’s of London bets people that the disasters they are worrying about will never occur. However, they don’t call it betting. They call it insurance. But it is really betting based on the law of averages. This great insurance firm has been going strong for two hundred years; and unless human nature changes, it will still be going strong fifty centuries from now by insuring shoes and ships and sealing-wax against disasters that, by the law of average, don’t happen nearly so often as people imagine.
If we examine the law of averages, we will often be astounded at the facts we uncover.
For example, if I knew that during the next five years I would have to fight in a battle as bloody as the Battle of Gettysburg, I would be terrified. I would take out all the life insurance I could get. I would draw up my will and set all my earthly affairs in order. I would say: “I’ll probably never live through that battle, so I had better make the most of the few years I have left.” Yet the facts are that, according to the law of averages, it is just as dangerous, just as fatal, to try to live from age fifty to age fifty-five in peace-time as it was to fight in the Battle of Gettysburg. What I am trying to say is this: in times of peace, just as many people die per thousand between the ages of fifty and fifty-five as were killed per thousand among the 163,000 soldiers who fought at Gettysburg.
I wrote several chapters of this book at James Simpson’s Num-Ti-Gah Lodge, on the shore of Bow Lake in the Canadian Rockies. While stopping there one summer, I met Mr. and Mrs. Herbert H. Salinger, of 2298 Pacific Avenue, San Francisco. Mrs. Salinger, a poised, serene woman, gave me the impression that she had never worried. One evening in front of the roaring fireplace, I asked her if she had ever been troubled by worry. “Troubled by it?” she said. “My life was almost ruined by it. Before I learned to conquer worry, I lived through eleven years of self-made hell. I was irritable and hot-tempered. I lived under terrific tension. I would take the bus every week from my home in San Mateo to shop in San Francisco. But even while shopping, I worried myself into a dither: maybe I had left the electric iron connected on the ironing board. Maybe the house had caught fire. Maybe the maid had run off and left the children. Maybe they had been out on their bicycles and been killed by a car. In the midst of my shopping, I would often worry myself into a cold perspiration and rush out and take the bus home to see if everything was all right. No wonder my first marriage ended in disaster.
“My second husband is a lawyer – a quiet, analytical man who never worries about anything. When I became tense and anxious, he would say to me: ‘Relax. Let’s think this out… What are you really worrying about? Let’s examine the law of averages and see whether or not it is likely to happen.’
“For example, I remember the time we were driving from Albuquerque, New Mexico, to the Carlsbad Caverns – driving on a dirt road – when we were caught in a terrible rainstorm.
“The car was slithering and sliding. We couldn’t control it. I was positive we would slide off into one of the ditches that flanked the road; but my husband kept repeating to me: ‘I am driving very slowly. Nothing serious is likely to happen. Even if the car does slide into the ditch, by the law of averages, we won’t be hurt.’ His calmness and confidence quieted me.
“One summer we were on a camping trip in the Touquin Valley of the Canadian Rockies. One night we were camping seven thousand feet above sea level, when a storm threatened to tear our tents to shreds. The tents were tied with guy ropes to a wooden platform. The outer tent shook and trembled and screamed and shrieked in the wind. I expected every minute to see our tent torn loose and hurled through the sky. I was terrified! But my husband kept saying: ‘Look, my dear, we are travelling with Brewster’s guides. Brewster’s know what they are doing. They have been pitching tents in these mountains for sixty years. This tent has been here for many seasons. It hasn’t blown down yet and, by the law of averages, it won’t blow away tonight; and even if it does, we can take shelter in another tent. So relax… I did; and I slept soundly the balance of the night.
“A few years ago an infantile-paralysis epidemic swept over our part of California. In the old days, I would have been hysterical. But my husband persuaded me to act calmly. We took all the precautions we could; we kept our children away from crowds, away from school and the movies. By consulting the Board of Health, we found out that even during the worst infantile-paralysis epidemic that California had ever known up to that time, only 1,835 children had been stricken in the entire state of California. And that the usual number was around two hundred or three hundred. Tragic as those figures are, we nevertheless felt that, according to the law of averages, the chances of any one child being stricken were remote.
“’By the law of averages, it won’t happen.’ That phrase has destroyed ninety per cent of my worries; and it has made the past twenty years of my life beautiful and peaceful beyond my highest expectations.”
General George Crook – probably the greatest Indian fighter in American history – says in his autobiography that “nearly all the worries and unhappiness” of the Indians “came from their imagination, and not from reality.”
As I look back across the decades, I can see that that is where most of my worries came from also. Jim Grant told me that that had been his experience, too. He owns the James A. Grant Distributing Company, 204 Franklin Street, New York City. He orders from ten to fifteen car-loads of Florida oranges and grapefruit at a time. He told me that he used to torture himself with such thoughts as: What if there’s a train wreck? What if my fruit is strewn all over the countryside? What if a bridge collapses as my cars are going across it? Of course, the fruit was insured; but he feared that if he didn’t deliver his fruit on time, he might risk the loss of his market. He worried so much that he feared he had stomach ulcers and went to a doctor. The doctor told him there was nothing wrong with him except jumpy nerves. “I saw the light then,” he said, “and began to ask myself questions. I said to myself: ‘Look here, Jim Grant, how many fruit cars have you handled over the years?’ The answer was: ‘About twenty-five thousand.’ Then I asked myself: ‘How many of those cars were ever wrecked?’ The answer was: ‘Oh – maybe five.’ Then I said to myself: ‘Only five – out of twenty – five thousand? Do you know what that means? A ratio of five thousand to one! In other words, by the law of averages, based on experience, the chances are five thousand to one against one of your cars ever being wrecked. So what are you worried about?’
“Then I said to myself: ‘Well, a bridge may collapse!’ Then I asked myself: ‘How many cars have you actually lost from a bridge collapsing?’ The answer was – ‘None.’ Then I said to myself: ‘Aren’t you a fool to be worrying yourself into stomach ulcers over a bridge which has never yet collapsed, and over a railroad wreck when the chances are five thousand to one against it!’
“When I looked at it that way,” Jim Grant told me, “I felt pretty silly. I decided then and there to let the law of averages do the worrying for me – and I have not been troubled with my ‘stomach ulcer’ since!”
When Al Smith was Governor of New York, I heard him answer the attacks of his political enemies by saying over and over: “Let’s examine the record… let’s examine the record.” Then he proceeded to give the facts. The next time you and I are worrying about what may happen, let’s take a tip from wise old Al Smith: let’s examine the record and see what basis there is, if any, for our gnawing anxieties.
That is precisely what Frederick J. Mahlstedt did when he feared he was lying in his grave. Here is his story as he told it to one of our adult-education classes in New York:
“Early in June, 1944, I was lying in a slit trench near Omaha Beach. I was with the 999th Signal Service Company, and we had just ‘dug in’ in Normandy. As I looked around at that slit trench – just a rectangular hole in the ground – I said to myself: ‘This looks just like a grave.’ When I lay down and tried to sleep in it, it felt like a grave. I couldn’t help saying to myself: ‘Maybe this is my grave.’ When the German bombers began coming over at 11 p.m., and the bombs started falling, I was scared stiff. For the first two or three nights I couldn’t sleep at all. By the fourth or fifth night, I was almost a nervous wreck. I knew that if I didn’t do something, I would go stark crazy. So I reminded myself that five nights had passed, and I was still alive; and so was every man in our outfit. Only two had been injured, and they had been hurt, not by German bombs, but by falling flak, from our own anti-aircraft guns. I decided to stop worrying by doing something constructive. So I built a thick wooden roof over my slit trench, to protect myself from flak. I thought of the vast area over which my unit was spread. I told myself that the only way I could be killed in that deep, narrow slit trench was by a direct hit; and I figured out that the chance of a direct hit on me was not one in ten thousand. After a couple of nights of looking at it in this way, I calmed down and slept even through the bomb raids!”
The United States Navy used the statistics of the law of averages to buck up the morale of their men. One ex-sailor told me that when he and his shipmates were assigned to high-octane tankers, they were worried stiff. They all believed that if a tanker loaded with high-octane gasoline was hit by a torpedo, it exploded and blew everybody to kingdom come.
But the U.S. Navy knew otherwise; so the Navy issued exact figures, showing that out of one hundred tankers hit by torpedoes sixty stayed afloat; and of the forty that did sink, only five sank in less than ten minutes. That meant time to get off the ship – it also meant casualties were exceedingly small. Did this help morale? “This knowledge of the law of averages wiped out my jitters,” said Clyde W. Maas, of 1969 Walnut Street, St. Paul, Minnesota – the man who told this story. “The whole crew felt better. We knew we had a chance; and that, by the law of averages, we probably wouldn’t be killed.” To break the worry habit before it breaks you – here is Rule 3:
“Let’s examine the record.” Let’s ask ourselves: “What are the chances, according to the law of averages, that this event I am worrying about will ever occur?”
9 – Co-Operate With The Inevitable
When I was a little boy, I was playing with some of my friends in the attic of an old, abandoned log house in north-west Missouri. As I climbed down out of the attic, I rested my feet on a window-sill for a moment – and then jumped. I had a ring on my left forefinger; and as I jumped, the ring caught on a nailhead and tore off my finger. I screamed. I was terrified. I was positive I was going to die. But after the hand healed, I never worried about it for one split second. What would have been the use?… I accepted the inevitable.
Now I often go for a month at a time without even thinking about the fact that I have only three fingers and a thumb on my left hand.
A few years ago, I met a man who was running a freight elevator in one of the downtown office buildings in New York. I noticed that his left hand had been cut off at the wrist. I asked him if the loss of that hand bothered him. He said: “Oh, no, I hardly ever think about it. I am not married; and the only time I ever think about it is when I try to thread a needle.”
It is astonishing how quickly we can accept almost any situation – if we have to – and adjust ourselves to it and forget about it.
I often think of an inscription on the ruins of a fifteenth-century cathedral in Amsterdam, Holland. This inscription says in Flemish: “It is so. It cannot be otherwise.”
As you and I march across the decades of time, we are going to meet a lot of unpleasant situations that are so. They cannot be otherwise. We have our choice. We can either accept them as inevitable and adjust ourselves to them, or we can ruin our lives with rebellion and maybe end up with a nervous breakdown.
Here is a bit of sage advice from one of my favourite philosophers, William James. “Be willing to have it so,” he said. “Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequence of any misfortune.” Elizabeth Connley, of 2840 NE 49th Avenue, Portland, Oregon, had to find that out the hard way. Here is a letter that she wrote me recently: “On the very day that America was celebrating the victory of our armed forces in North Africa,” the letter says, “I received a telegram from the War Department: my nephew – the person I loved most – was missing in action. A short time later, another telegram arrived saying he was dead.
“I was prostrate with grief. Up to that time, I had felt that life had been very good to me. I had a job I loved. I had helped to raise this nephew. He represented to me all that was fine and good in young manhood. I had felt that all the bread I had cast upon the waters was coming back to me as cake!… Then came this telegram. My whole world collapsed. I felt there was nothing left to live for. I neglected my work; neglected my friends. I let everything go. I was bitter and resentful. Why did my loving nephew have to be taken? Why did this good boy – with life all before him – why did he have to be killed? I couldn’t accept it. My grief was so overwhelming that I decided to give up my work, and go away and hide myself in my tears and bitterness.
“I was clearing out my desk, getting ready to quit, when I came across a letter that I had forgotten – a letter from this nephew who had been killed, a letter he had written to me when my mother had died a few years ago. ‘Of course, we will miss her,’ the letter said, ‘and especially you. But I know you’ll carry on. Your own personal philosophy will make you do that. I shall never forget the beautiful truths you taught me. Wherever I am, or how far apart we may be, I shall always remember that you taught me to smile, and to take whatever comes, like a man.’
“I read and reread that letter. It seemed as if he were there beside me, speaking to me. He seemed to be saying to me: ‘Why don’t you do what you taught me to do? Carry on, no matter what happens. Hide your private sorrows under a smile and carry on.’