Tell the Truth

Chapter 11

February 2018

I arrived at Dream Meadows Care Home at two o’clock. Mum was in the communal lounge, a peaceful place looking out over the grounds.

I made my way through the people dotted about on chairs and sofas, reading, sleeping, or doing crossword puzzles, and sat down beside her.

Her blonde hair, not a trace of grey, hung loose and damp, from a recent shower I suspected. She looked younger than her years. Pretty in a flowing purple top with a ruffled hem, that I’d bought her for Christmas, over navy leggings, and a pair of fluffy slippers.

‘Mum,’ I said, taking hold of her hand, and she looked up, her eyes wide and vacant. I knew before she said a word that she didn’t know who I was.

‘Hello,’ she said, locking her eyes on mine. ‘I’m Laura Hogan. Do I know you?’ The question always stung. But before I could answer, my mother continued, ‘My daughter’s at school at the moment – she’s very clever. She came to see me this morning.’

I sighed inside. ‘Can I get you a drink?’ I said, trying to control the usual surge of tears burning behind my eyes. ‘Coffee?’

‘Are you my carer?’ She looked about her. ‘Where’s Margo today? I like Margo.’

‘I’m not your carer, Mum. It’s me. Rachel.’ I swallowed a lump rising in my throat. I had to keep from crying, for her sake.

‘I don’t want any …’ She stopped, and tapped her knee with her free hand, as though she was sending Morse code to her brain. ‘I don’t want any brown hot water … thank you. I’ve had several cups already. It keeps me awake at night.’

I squeezed her hand, wanting to ask her what she’d wanted to say the last time I was here, ask her about Mr Snookum, show her the painting, but what good would it do?

‘I love you,’ I whispered.

‘Love you more,’ she said, eyes still closed.

‘It’s still you and me against the world, Mum. It always will be.’

Her eyes flickered and opened, and she broke into a smile. ‘Would you get me a coffee, please? My daughter might come later, and I want to be awake when she does.’

For an hour I sat by her side, reading aloud Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, one of her favourite books. It was far easier to read than attempt to talk, and the words of Lewis Carroll seemed fitting somehow. My mother had disappeared down a rabbit hole and into another world, just like Alice.

Finally, I got up to leave, and kissed her cheek. I pulled on my coat, and as I tucked my hand in my pocket, I felt the picture, and questions darted around my head. Should I show it to her? Would she recognise the farmhouse? Would her older memories be easier to reach? I didn’t want to upset her, but desperately needed to know. I pulled it out, unfolded it, and placed it on her knees. ‘I wondered if you remember this place, Mum?’

She looked down, and her eyes filled with tears, as she ran shaking fingers over the black clouds and down the creases. ‘Rachel added the clouds.’

‘Did I?’ I couldn’t remember.

She stared at the picture for some time before a sudden desperate sob came from deep inside her. ‘The cuts,’ she cried. ‘They were the same size. They should have been different, you see. I should have said something.’

I reached over, folded the picture, and stuffed it back in my pocket, as Margo rushed over to comfort her, pulling her into a hug.

‘Mum,’ I said. ‘Mum, tell me what’s wrong. What is it you wanted to tell me last time I was here?’

But as quickly as her tears came, they stopped. She pulled away from Margo, and her eyes, vacant once more, focused on the window.

It was time for me to leave.

***

Snow fell thick and fast on the journey home, settling on the grass verges, and I began to panic that I wouldn’t get back in time for Lawrence bringing Grace home, but thankfully I skidded to a stop outside my house the same time as he did.

‘Mummy,’ Grace called once he’d unstrapped her from the car seat, and plonked her down on the snow-covered pavement.

‘Hello, my lovely girl,’ I said, crouching and holding out my arms. She padded across the snow towards me, wrapped in her winter coat, a wool hat with a fur pom-pom covering dark curls. She’d inherited her hair from Lawrence, although he kept his short these days.

I took her into my arms and squeezed, breathing her in. ‘I’ve missed you so much.’

‘I’ve missed you more,’ she said, as I released her. She looked up at the dark sky, and a snowflake landed on her nose. ‘Can we build a snowman?’ she said, eyes back on me.

‘Maybe later,’ I said.

She crouched down, and began scooping snow into her gloved hands, singing ‘Do you want to build a snowman?’ from Frozen at the top of her voice.

Lawrence approached, tall, slim, and handsome, in a smart jacket with jeans and a green woollen hat with an oversized pom-pom. I glanced at the car. Someone was sitting in the passenger seat. Farrah?

‘I got your text,’ he said, folding his arms.

‘Yes, well, I was angry.’ I looked up at him and stuffed my hands in my pockets, conscious I looked a mess. ‘You should have talked to me before introducing fucking Farrah to our daughter.’ I never swore much, and it always sounded a bit lame – silly – like I was a child trying out the word for the first time.

‘Don’t be pathetic, Rachel.’ He’d said that to me a lot in the weeks leading up to our breakup. ‘Her name’s Farrah Bright.’

‘Of course it is.’

He glanced over his shoulder at Grace. ‘Listen, I think it’s only fair you should know.’ He paused for a moment. ‘The thing is …’ He scratched his eyebrow. ‘The truth is, I’ve been seeing Farrah for over a year now, and we’re pretty serious. I’m sorry, Rach …’

‘A year?’ I cut in. ‘Jeez, Lawrence, how could you?’ I felt my chin wobble. ‘You were seeing her when we were together?’ My stomach heaved. I’d had no idea.

‘Not seriously.’

‘Well, that’s OK then,’ I spat.

‘I’m sorry.’ He tried to take hold of my hand, but I dodged his, my arms flapping like helicopter propellers as I smacked the cold air, and skidded around on the ice like Bambi.

‘I didn’t want to hurt you,’ he said, catching my elbow.

‘Well, that didn’t work out for you. Just leave me alone,’ I cried, snatching my elbow away, and storming past him, almost slipping again as I fumbled for my keys – desperate to get inside before tears came. ‘Grace, come on, lovely girl.’

‘Farrah adores Grace,’ he called after me. ‘She can’t have kids, so …’

I turned, glaring at the car. The woman faced forward, a fur-lined hood obscuring my view of her. I wanted to rush over, bang on the glass, scream that she could have Lawrence with knobs on, but Grace belonged to me. ‘Keep her away from Grace,’ I said calmly.

I opened the front door, and Grace ran to my side. ‘Wave to Daddy,’ I said, trying hard not to show her how angry I was.

‘Bye, Daddy,’ she called, waving.

‘Bye, chipmunk,’ he called back, and it took all of my willpower not to pick up a clump of snow and chuck it at his stupid shiny black car.

Chapter 12

October 1987

Laura stood in the dense darkness at the water’s edge rocking Rachel, hoping the night air would send her daughter to sleep.

‘Shh, please,’ she whispered, but Rachel continued to yell – a piercing sound, like an incessant dentist drill inside Laura’s head, screwing with her mind, twisting her thoughts so they were no longer recognisable as her own.

She couldn’t see her baby’s face, but knew it would be red and blotchy, coated with tears and snot, because it always was. It always is.

The birth had been problematic – a bad start. Laura’s hopes that the anger she felt towards Jude would dissipate once she held her child in her arms hadn’t happened. Rachel had been premature, with respiratory distress syndrome and severe jaundice. She’d been kept in intensive care for almost a month, and Laura had struggled to bond with her. In fact, she felt nothing. Was she no better than her own parents?

Now Rachel was three months old. The midwife and health visitor were long gone, leaving her to it, believing she was OK. She’d somehow convinced them of that.

She had nobody to turn to. If she’d only kept in contact with the other students at university – accepted Abi’s offer of help when she’d called. But it was too late now they’d gone their own ways. In fact, the only people she saw were those behind shop counters, or old ladies who cooed at the child, telling Laura how beautiful her daughter was. She wished she could see what they saw. The consuming guilt was unimaginable.

But she still saw Dillon sometimes – Dillon who’d put up with her tears, and her weirdness. How had it happened that her only friend was a teenage boy?

He hadn’t mentioned his family since July, and Laura sometimes felt she should ask, but she was struggling so much with her daughter, she wasn’t sure she could take on his problems too.

Laura squeezed the child to her. ‘Shh! Shh! Please stop crying,’ she said, moving towards the lake. Once there she looked down, her eyes adjusting to the shimmering water, like tar beneath her. ‘I’m so tired,’ she said, stepping closer still, so close that her toes curled over the edge, and the earth crumbled. If she jumped it would put them both out of their misery.

As though sensing her mother’s thoughts, Rachel stopped crying, and drifted off to sleep. Laura looked down at her daughter. This little thing with soft, downy hair, and blue eyes, was an innocent victim of a heartless man and a desperate woman. She hadn’t asked to be born.

Laura laid the child, wrapped in a thick blanket, on the ground, and fell down next to her. They would sleep outside tonight.

***

The sun was rising in a cloudless sky when Dillon woke Laura.

‘What the feck are you doing out here?’ he said, nudging her with his foot as though she was a corpse. He knelt down and picked up the baby. ‘What you up to, mischief?’ he said to Rachel, touching the child’s bare feet that poked from under the blanket. ‘Jaysus, your tootsies are freezing.’

He stared at Laura, who was clambering to her feet with the aid of a tree. She ran her fingers through her greasy hair, catching them in tangles, blinking to adjust her eyes to the daylight. ‘God, what’s the time?’ she said.

‘About eight – you been out here all night?’ He jiggled Rachel up and down, humming ‘Hush a bye baby’ as the baby attempted to consume her fist.

‘Not all night,’ she said, avoiding meeting his eye. ‘Let’s go in – Rachel will be hungry.’

Inside, Dillon gave Rachel her bottle, the baby’s hand gripping his little finger as she gulped down the milk, making contented noises. ‘You need to see someone, Laura,’ he said, sounding far too grown-up for his years. ‘You’re always crying, and so is this little one. It’s not right. Do you even wash?’

‘You’re a fine one to talk,’ Laura said, pushing a pile of newspapers and some dirty mugs across the table, and plonking down a coffee and a can of cola. She sat down beside him.

‘I don’t know who to turn to, Dillon.’ Her eyes filled with tears. She couldn’t keep burdening a thirteen-year-old kid – it wasn’t fair. ‘I can’t manage; I know that, but the thought of busybodies interfering – maybe even taking Rachel away – doesn’t bear thinking about.’

‘I could ask me ma to help?’

Laura stiffened. The woman who allowed a child to be put in a cupboard? ‘No, I’ll be OK,’ she said. ‘I’ll make an appointment at the doctor’s. Honestly.’

‘But Ma would be company for you.’

Laura didn’t want anyone in her home, finding fault, judging her. And to get involved with Dillon’s family worried her. Tierney O’Brian had left her with a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach.

‘She could come here when Da’s working,’ Dillon continued, looking about him at the half-drunk bottles with milk curdling at the bottom, the used diapers that smelt awful, mugs, glasses … the hellhole she lived in. ‘Ma could help tidy up a bit. She’s good at keeping things clean.’

Laura looked at Dillon, scruffy and grimy, as ever. She snatched up her mug of coffee and took a gulp. It burned her tongue. ‘I’m fine, Dillon,’ she said, her eyes on Rachel now sleeping in his arms.

‘But she’s used to three kids, Laura. She took me on, and that couldn’t have been easy.’

‘Took you on?’

He rubbed his hand across his mouth, as though he was unsure of the words he wanted to say. ‘Imogen ain’t me real ma,’ he said eventually. ‘She just likes me to call her that. I don’t mind so much now, but at first it felt wrong.’ He placed a tender kiss on Rachel’s head.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘Never came up.’ He rose, and placed Rachel into her Moses basket, covering her with a lemon-coloured blanket. ‘Me real ma walked out just after we moved to the farm.’

‘Oh, Dillon, I’m so sorry.’

‘Me real ma invited Imogen to live with us when she was preggers with Bridie. Her parents had kicked her out.’ He paused, rubbing his hand across his mouth. ‘Can we talk about something else? It’s just I don’t like talking about it – me real ma never said goodbye.’

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘It’s fine, Laura,’ he said, but it clearly wasn’t. ‘So, should I ask Imogen?’

Laura knew she couldn’t carry on as she was. It wasn’t fair on the baby. She would either have to accept his offer, or see the GP, who would probably fill her with tablets, or even take Rachel away – she didn’t want either. She would bond with the child eventually. She had to. They couldn’t go through life like this. Maybe Dillon’s stepmother would understand, help her. But the fear of getting involved with the family was too strong.

‘I don’t need anyone, honestly,’ she said. ‘Rachel and I will be just fine.’

***

Two days later, Laura sat outside in the rain, soaked and sobbing, while Rachel screamed inside the house as though her tiny heart would break.

Dillon approached through the trees, and stood in front of Laura, his hands deep in his pockets.

She looked up. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said, and covered her face with her hands.

He didn’t reply, just took off into the woods, reappearing some time later with his stepmother, and his sisters.

‘I’m Imogen,’ the woman said. She was tiny, her dark hair scraped back in a high ponytail, her fringe uneven. Caitlin, a smiling, pretty baby of eight months, with the same dark hair, was balanced on her hip, and Bridie, more solemn, in grubby dungarees, clung to her mother’s blue and white checked dress.

The rain had stopped for now.

Laura brushed away her tears with the back of her hand and got up.

‘You poor thing,’ Imogen said, stepping closer. ‘Dillon said you were in a bit of a pickle. Bad case of the baby blues, I shouldn’t wonder. I had it dreadful with Bridie. Couldn’t touch the child for months.’

She handed Caitlin to Dillon, and bustled Laura inside. She instantly made the red-faced, screaming Rachel a bottle, and changed her diaper.

‘Me ma’s pretty good, ain’t she?’ Dillon’s eyes followed Imogen, as she went to work, clearing up, and stuffing washing into the washing machine.

‘She is, yes,’ Laura agreed. There was no doubting his words, but watching the woman busying herself made her feel more useless than ever.

‘Cleanliness is next to godliness, that’s what my mother taught me,’ Imogen said, as she filled the bottle steriliser with water, and dropped in tablets. ‘Not that I believe in God. Well, if there is one, he’s let me down.’ She headed up the stairs, and Laura followed.

‘Help me,’ said Imogen, as she changed Laura’s bed, and Laura grabbed the pillows and changed the covers. ‘That’s the idea,’ Imogen went on with a smile, as though she was praising a child.

Next, Imogen grabbed a duster and wiped it over the chest of drawers. ‘Chanel,’ she said, picking up the bottle and spraying her neck. ‘Nice for some.’

‘Shall we go back downstairs?’ Laura said, kicking her dirty underwear under the bed in the hope Imogen wouldn’t notice. It all felt far too intrusive.

‘In a moment,’ Imogen said, leaning down and scooping up the underwear. ‘Where’s your linen bin?’

‘In the bathroom,’ Laura said, snatching the knickers from her and leaving the bedroom. ‘I can do that.’

Later, when the house was spotless, and Rachel was gurgling happily in her Moses basket – tugging and stretching the foot of her Babygro – Imogen finally collected up her daughters.

‘I’d better get home to put Tierney’s dinner on,’ she said, her eyes skittering over Laura’s paintings on the wall. ‘These are stunning,’ she said. ‘Especially this one.’ She pointed at one of the lake. ‘You’re very talented.’

‘Thank you,’ Laura said, a sudden lift inside her. Perhaps she wasn’t as useless as she thought.

‘I’ll be back soon, I promise,’ Imogen said, touching Laura’s cheek.

From the window, Laura watched them go, Dillon trotting behind with a stick the size of him, as though he was their protector.

Laura wished she had someone to protect her.

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