Dealing with Difficult People

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Collins

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First published in Great Britain in 2010 by HarperCollinsPublishers

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Version: 2017-06-30

Table of Contents

Cover Page

Title Page

Copyright

Work successfully with difficult people

Understand what makes us tick

1.1 Define what you mean by difficult

1.2 Accept that we are all different

1.3 Ensure communication is two-way

1.4 Manage change

1.5 Understand assertiveness

1.6 Find the causes of discord

Look in the mirror

2.1 Develop your emotional intelligence

2.2 Understand your own reactions

2.3 Check your confidence levels

2.4 Ask yourself, “How do I look to others?”

Step into their shoes

3.1 First take off your own shoes

3.2 Be specific

3.3 Ask yourself how they are different to you

3.4 Accept some differences

3.5 Focus on what motivates

3.6 Establish trust

3.7 Allow for different cultures

3.8 Tailor relationships to suit the need

Give difficult people a chance

4.1 Display leadership

4.2 Define clear outcomes

4.3 Define clear roles and measures

4.4 Reward the right activities and results

4.5 Reinforce appropriate behaviour

4.6 Communicate with a clear purpose

Use the right tool for the situation

5.1 Dig out the data

5.2 Diagnose the problem

5.3 Decide if there is a task-related issue

5.4 Form a psychological contract

5.5 Use third-party feedback

5.6 Use 360-degree feedback

5.7 Create a common framework

5.8 Promote dialogue

5.9 Understand conflict

5.10 Use psychometric profiling

Develop your skills

6.1 Visualize success

6.2 Give helpful feedback

6.3 Encourage feedback from others

6.4 Know the significance of body language

6.5 Get results from meetings

6.6 Look at timelines

6.7 Get personal

6.8 Share information with those around you

6.9 Complain effectively

6.10 Use both power and influence

Resolve conflicts effectively

7.1 Learn together

7.2 Check your own qualities

7.3 Check the situation

7.4 Check if it’s the other person

7.5 Move forward together

7.6 Keep working on the differences

Jargon Buster

Further Reading

About the Author

Author’s Note

About the Publisher

Work successfully with difficult people

If someone is being difficult in a business situation, the end result is that individuals, teams or the organization as a whole will find it difficult to function effectively and be as successful as they otherwise might. This book gives you the skills to address difficult people and difficult situations.

I have been in many situations where someone has been widely considered ‘difficult’. It can make life frustrating and even deeply unpleasant. Whilst this book will offer you lots of tips about how to handle such people, we will also look a little deeper at what makes people difficult. You will be asked also to consider situations in which you might be the cause of difficult behaviour – I know that I have sometimes been considered to be the difficult one, when I was quite sure that others were being difficult!

Once you understand the root of the difficulty, you can work out a remedial strategy to suit the situation. This book captures 50 secrets presented in seven chapters that provide the key to you dealing with difficult people. You need to decide which tip will help you in which situation.

• Understand what makes us tick. If you are to manage difficult behaviour successfully, you need to understand behaviour! Consider what shapes our behaviour, what behaviours you can realistically expect to change – and what you can’t.

• Look in the mirror. You may be the problem. This chapter helps you to understand yourself and to consider how you appear to others.

• Step into their shoes. If you are to help people see the need for change, you need to understand those people and discover why they are different to you. In this chapter you will be offered tips on how to create trust and rapport before attempting change.

• Give difficult people a chance. There is a need for you to display leadership, even though sometimes you may not be the line manager. We will look at clear outcomes, role clarity, reinforcing appropriate behaviour and helpful communication.

• Use the right tool for the situation. There are many tools that can help you manage difficult behaviour and difficult situations. Here are some of the globally accepted tools, including some psychometrics, with tips on when to use them.

• Develop your skills. This chapter draws on the previous Secrets to develop your all-round ability to deal with difficult people.

• Resolve conflicts effectively. We conclude with a series of checklists which will help you decide how to move forward with your ‘difficult person’.

If you find yourself saying, “that person is difficult”, don’t condemn them before you have exhausted all the possible strategies for dealing with difficult people covered in these secrets. You may not be able to change their personality, but you can change their behaviour.

Use these secrets to promote harmony and deliver results.

Understand what makes us tick

People that we label ‘difficult’ appear so because they behave differently to us – in a manner that we may even deem unacceptable. If we are to deal successfully with difficult behaviour, we need to understand some of the fundamentals of human behaviour. This chapter offers an understanding of how we are all different, and why these differences exist. We will look at assertiveness, different communication styles, and how we all see the world through individual eyes.

1.1 Define what you mean by difficult

When problem-solving you need first to define the problem and then form a clear view of what a good solution, or outcome, will look like. If we are to manage difficult people successfully, we need to be clear about what we mean by the term ‘difficult’.

People don’t normally turn up for work determined to be difficult. People that you find ‘difficult’ are only difficult because they are different to you, or disagree with you, or behave in a fashion that you or your colleagues find unacceptable. Being difficult takes many forms and is a matter of perception. You will have your own criteria for what makes people difficult, but here are a few examples:

case study I worked for five years with someone who was forever pushing, shaping and driving his own agenda. He constantly interrupted colleagues in midsentence. Everyone who worked with him thought him difficult, but he was a significant factor in our team’s success. My feedback, aimed at changing his behaviour,

• Perfectionists. If you want a quick result, perfectionists can be infuriating. If you are the perfectionist, you will irritate those who think that good enough is okay and makes economic sense.

• Control freaks. These types will annoy you by interfering when you want to be left alone to do things your way.

• Creative people. They are a must if ideas are an essential part of moving forward but can be painful when you just want to get on with delivering a simple result.

• Shapers. They drive the action (see Secret 5.8) and are vital in a successful team, but they take over as and when they see fit.

• Aggressive or defensive people. Few people welcome aggression in business. People who are always on the defensive present problems as well. We need assertive people (see Secret 1.5).

• Submissive people. This kind of behaviour can be caused by many things, including childhood experiences and feeling threatened. Their lack of confidence and fear of failure can be frustrating.

The examples above are caused by a host of different things, and that makes all of us different. Potentially, that makes all of us difficult in some people’s eyes. We need to understand enough about ourselves and others to recognize what we can reasonably expect to change and what we should find a way of living with.

Understand that everyone behaves differently to you.

had no effect whatsoever. One day we did a Belbin analysis (Secret 5.8) and he registered the most extreme shaper score that I have ever seen. I then concluded that this was so much a part of his personality that we needed to move him out of our team or accept him for what he was. We chose to live with him.

1.2 Accept that we are all different

‘Difficult’ might just mean ‘different’. This Secret will help you understand different people, so that you can accept some differences before deciding what is unacceptable and needs changing. So what causes all of us to be different?

• Values. You may value punctuality but have a colleague who considers that any time will do. Many organizations promote key values to engender harmony, but an individualist may struggle to accept them.

• Beliefs. Different political, cultural and religious beliefs can limit our ability to work with others.

• Gender. Although some women are more aggressive than some men, on the whole women are inclined to be more empathetic than men, to value security more and to put greater emphasis on teamwork.

case study Recently I managed a project where one member of the team would say things like, “that could backfire on you” or “that won’t work”. Her glass was ‘half empty’, as it were. Another team member would regularly say, “it’s worth a try”. There was no right or

• Personality. Our personalities are a complex web of background, culture, beliefs, values, genes and more besides. Some combine well and productively, some abrasively yet still productively, while others are unmitigated disasters. We need to accept, though, that mankind thrives because of our differences – we need to use difference, not stifle it.

Before leaving the question of differences, consider NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) filters. We all see the world through different filters, and if you understand this you will be well placed to manage the differences through better communication. Our different filters include:

• Internal/external. If you ask an ‘internal’ person, “How will you know you have succeeded?”, they will say, “I’ll just know”. Whereas the ‘external’ person will say, “I’ll know from the feedback I get”.

• Towards/away from. A ‘towards’ person will take risks. An ‘away’ person will see problems.

• Same/difference. A ‘same’ person will refer to what they’ve always done: “it’s like I did last month”. Whereas the ‘difference’ person will say, “let’s try a new approach”. The latter will need variety; the former may be reluctant to change.

• Problems/solutions. Some people always see the problem, while others focus on the solution.

Welcome the differences around you, and only see them as a problem when they are a barrier to results.

wrong – just healthy differences that were part of a successful project. If you want to get the best from a ‘half empty’ person, you need to match their language and make references to ‘half empty’ things, even if you are inclined to be ‘half full’ yourself.

1.3 Ensure communication is two-way

One-way communication is a closed system. It is limiting and leads to frustration. This Secret explains how to ensure that communication is two-way, constructive and likely to promote good relationships.

When I was struggling to understand why someone failed to respond to one of my memos, one of my colleagues said, “David, it’s no good you being pleased with your communication. Your message is only okay if it produces the results that you require.” He went on to explain that the recipient’s perception of the message is every bit as important as your message. It has to be a two-way thing. Here are a few suggestions that will help you to be on the same wavelength as someone with whom you are working.

case study Here’s a lesson I learnt about always making sure that your language is correctly understood by all concerned. As a young man I went on a course where we played management games. One involved creating patterns from dominoes. We

• Accept that their perception is reality to them. The challenge is to understand them and their situation well enough to find common ground. This means taking time to understand the belief systems and values that others hold.

• Know yourself. You need to be clear about your own beliefs, and when they might prevent you from taking on board a good idea. There is a constant need to be open-minded to fresh ideas.

• Be aware of other ways of thinking. There are plenty of other filters besides those mentioned in the last Secret; some people talk detail, others look at the big picture; some like choices and some like a rigid system; some people are mainly reactive and others proactive. To increase rapport you should be prepared to enter another person’s world. If you are a strategic thinker, for example, take time to explore detail with those who relish the minutiae.

• Talk their language, paint them a picture. Appreciate that, if someone prefers to visualize rather than verbalize, you’ll need to use language that they might use, such as, “This is what it will look like.”

• Mutual respect. Above all, you need to respect each other before you can hope to work effectively together. You don’t need to like each other, but you do need to establish a basis of mutual respect before difficult transactions.

Keep asking: are you on the same wavelength as others?

debated what to do with a ‘three four’ and a ‘double six’. It took 30 minutes before one of our team asked the question, “What’s a double six?” He was Korean, and none of us had bothered to think about his culture or to check his understanding of our language!

1.4 Manage change

Unless they are helping to shape it, people usually resist change. Sometimes this is because they resent a new situation being ‘sold’ to them, and sometimes it is because of what they think they will lose or leave behind. Good management can ease the transition.

When helping organizations manage change, I seek to show people that change is inevitable because of the way that the world around us is changing – standing still is not an option. Changes around any business demand changes within that business for it to survive.

With individuals, though, it is difficult for most of us to change our behaviour – even when we want to in order to lose weight, for example, or give up smoking. Most of us have an inbuilt resistance to change, and, in busines, this often results in a serious drop in performance. This is summed up in a well-known model called the Change Curve. However, this dip in performance and the duration of the ‘curve’ can be lessened through good management. Remember, change is not

case study I was involved in a takeover that resulted in strike action before the two companies joined forces. Staff in one of the businesses were afraid of the merger because their business had been performing badly.

“Change is the only certainty in life”

Henry A. Wallace, US Vice President 1941-5

only about where people are going: it’s what people think they are losing that leads to the most resistance. So to manage transition successfully, you and your organization should do the following:

• Share your vision. Communicate on a regular basis about where you are going and why. Start with the end in mind.

• Respect the past. Don’t expect people to leap from the present straight to your version of the future. Check that people understand what is being asked of them; that they are ready to move; that they are capable of making the change; that progress can be monitored and the right support given.

• Consult people. Involve them in what you seek to do.

• Show people what’s in it for them. Appeal to their emotions as much as their logic.

• Check for ‘buy in’. Where are people on the Change Curve? Seek out negative feelings behind any negative action.

• Pull together. Agree realistic SMART targets (see Secret 5.3).

• The Six ‘R’s. Reinforce, reinforce, reinforce. Review, review, review.

If you are to bring about successful change, study the change process.

They were, in fact, highly regarded by the incoming management team, but were unaware of this as insufficient information had been shared with them. The steps outlined above would have avoided the problem.

1.5 Understand assertiveness

Behaving assertively is crucial for good interpersonal relationships. We need to understand the term, though, in respect of three contrasting types of behaviour: aggressive, passive and assertive.

1 Aggressive behaviour (I win/you lose). Driven by a self-centred attitude, whereby their needs and rights are always paramount. Outward signs include a harsh, loud voice, interrupting others and aggressive body language. It could be caused by fear, insecurity or ambition. Aggressive people may get what they want in the short term, but in the long run alienate themselves and are often rejected as too difficult.

2 Passive behaviour (I lose/you win). Driven by a sense that their rights and needs are less important than other people’s. Outward signs include quietness, hesitancy and nervous body movements. Shyness, a lack of confidence or ambition, or a strong sense of team can prompt this. They may get what they want by manipulating those around them (they get others to do the tricky bits), but in the short term do not seem to achieve.

one minute wonder Ask someone you trust for feedback as to whether you behave in an aggressive, submissive or assertive manner.

3 Assertive behaviour (I win/you win). Assertive behaviour is what you need to get results through people. Difficult people melt away if your approach is, “I recognize that you have needs and rights. I too have needs. I respect you, and I require reciprocal respect from you.”

A balanced individual will display assertive behaviour most of the time. To avoid slipping into passive or aggressive behaviour:

• Define your goals. Decide where you are going.

• Help others to express their views. Question their thinking.

• Listen to others. Check what you’ve heard them say to make sure your understanding is correct before you respond.

• Have a clear contract with them. This is about give and take and mutual respect (this won’t necessarily mean 50/50 with your boss!).

• Share feelings. Have both of you share your feelings with one another as well as the facts.

• Spell out clearly what you mean. Be straightforward. Explain the consequences of their action.

• Say no when you must, and explain why. If remedial action is called for, do it sooner rather than later. Sooner is easier!

• Accept that other people have a right to say no. Understand why they are saying no. This could be a deep-rooted cultural question.

• Be positive. Use positive words and body language (Secret 6.4).

Be assertive yourself and encourage the same behaviour in others.

1.6 Find the causes of discord

It is very easy to make superficial judgements about what to do with difficult people. But this can cause us to miss the root cause of the discord. Look at the details and consider each case individually.

Difficult people will take up a disproportionate amount of your time, so it is in your interests to invest time to get to the bottom of why they behave as they do. Suppose you feel that someone is a bully. You could try facing up to them, because, when confronted, bullies often do back down. That’s the superficial approach, though, and the case study below invites you to look under the skin of the difficult person before deciding on your strategy for dealing with them.