Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners

289.  My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into the darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were farthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure the light (for I feared not to show my gospel to any) but because I found my spirit did lean most after awakening and converting work, and the word that I carried did lean itself most that way also; Yea, so have I strived to preach the gospel, not where Christ was named, lest I should build upon another man’s foundation.  Rom. xv. 20.

290.  In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it were, travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work.  If I were fruitless, it mattered not who commanded me: but if I were fruitful, I cared not who did condemn.  I have thought of that: Lo! children are an heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is His reward.—As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man, so are children of the youth.  Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.  Psalm cxxvii. 3–5.

291.  It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation, sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and a heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings after a truly sanctified soul: that it was that delighted me; those were the souls I counted blessed.

292.  But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes I should be assaulted with great discouragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to speak a word at all to edification; nay, that I should not be able to speak sense unto the people; at which times I should have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness seize upon my body, that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.

293.  Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have been violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation.  I have also at some times, even when I have begun to speak the word with much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been, before the ending of that opportunity, so blinded and so estranged from the things I have been speaking, and have been also so straightened in my speech, as to utterance before the people, that I have been as if I had not known, or remembered what I have been about; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my exercise.

294.  Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon some smart and searching portion of the word, I have found the tempter suggest, What! will you preach this!  This condemns yourself; of this your own soul is guilty; wherefore preach not of it at all; or if you do, yet so mince it, as to make way for your own escape; lest instead of awakening others, you lay that guilt upon your own soul, that you will never get from under.

295.  But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Sampson, bowed myself with all my might, to condemn sin and transgression, wherever I found it; yea, though therein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience: Let me die (thought I), with the Philistines, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of God.  Thou that teachest another, teachest thou not thyself?  It is far better that thou do judge thyself, even by preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save thyself, imprison the truth in righteousness.  Blessed be God for His help also in this.

296.  I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart: and though I dare not say, I have not been affected with this, yet truly the Lord of His precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that for the most part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing: for it hath been my every day’s portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments; I have felt this thorn in the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9, the very mercy of God to me.

297.  I have also had, together with this, some notable place or other of the word presented before me, which word hath contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts: as, for instance, that hath been of great use to me: Though I speak with the tongues of men and angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, and a tinkling cymbal.  1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2.

298.  A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a skilful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that all who hear him play, can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet behold the cymbal hath not life, neither comes the music from it, but because of the art of him that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come to nought and perish, though in times past such music hath been made upon it.

299.  Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who have gifts, but want saving grace; they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the hand of David: and as David could with the cymbal make that mirth in the service of God, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so Christ can use these gifted men, as with them to affect the souls of His people in His church; yet when He hath done all, hang them by, as lifeless, though sounding cymbals.

300.  This consideration therefore, together with some others, were for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of vain-glory.  What, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a sounding brass?  Is it so much to be a fiddle? hath not the least creature that hath life, more of God in it than these?  Besides, I knew ’twas love should never die, but these must cease and vanish: so I concluded, a little grace, a little love, a little of the true fear of God, is better than all the gifts: yea, and I am fully convinced of it, that it is possible for souls that can scarce give a man an answer, but with great confusion as to method; I say, it is possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who by the virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like angels.

301.  Thus therefore I came to perceive that, though gifts in themselves were good, to the thing for which they are designed, to wit, the edification of others; yet empty, and without power to save the soul of him that hath them, if they be alone: neither are they, as so, any sign of a man’s state to be happy, being only a dispensation of God to some, of whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must when a little love more is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead.

302.  This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, not in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., all which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every unadvised Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into the condemnation of the devil.

303.  I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need be let into a sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them, and so fall short of the grace of God.

304.  He hath cause also to walk humbly with God and be little in his own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but the churches; and that by them he is made a servant to the church; and he must also give at last an account of his stewardship unto the Lord Jesus, and to give a good account will be a blessed thing.

305.  Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the Lord (gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace and small gifts are better than great gifts and no grace.  It doth not say, the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory; and blessed is such an one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace; for that is a certain forerunner of glory.

306.  But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting of me, would not answer his design; to wit, to overthrow the ministry, and make it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof: then he tried another way, which was, to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious to load me with slanders and reproaches: now therefore I may say, that what the devil could devise, and his instruments invent, was whirled up and down the country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means they should make my ministry to be abandoned.

307.  It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among the people, that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.

308.  To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am innocent.  But as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves to meet me before the tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for all these things (with all the rest of their iniquities) unless God shall give them repentance for them, for the which I pray with all my heart.

309.  But that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was, that I had my misses, my whores, my bastards; yea, two wives at once, and the like.   Now these slanders (with the others) I glory in, because but slanders, foolish or knavish lies, and falsehoods cast upon me by the devil and his seed; and, should I not be dealt with thus wickedly by the world, I should want one sign of a saint, and a child of God.  Blessed are ye (said the Lord Jesus) when men shall revile you and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for My sake; rejoice and be exceeding glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.  Matt. iv. 11.

310.  These things therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me not; no, though they were twenty times more than they are.  I have a good conscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil-doer, they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation in Christ.

311.  So then, what shall I say to those who have thus bespattered me?  Shall I threaten them?  Shall I chide them?  Shall I flatter them?  Shall I entreat them to hold their tongues?  No, not I.  Were it not for that these things make them ripe for damnation, that are the authors and abettors, I would say unto them, Report it, because ’twill increase my glory.

312.  Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as an ornament; it belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, slandered, reproached and reviled; and since all this is nothing else, as my God and my conscience do bear me witness, I rejoice in reproaches for Christ’s sake.

313.  I also call all these fools or knaves, that have thus made it any thing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named of me; namely, That I have been naught with other women, or the like.  When they have used the utmost of their endeavours, and made the fullest inquiry that they can, to prove against me truly, that there is any woman in heaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, I have at any time, in any place, by day or night, so much as attempted to be naught with them; and speak I thus to beg my enemies into a good esteem of me?  No, not I: I will in this beg belief of no man: believe or disbelieve me in this, all is a-case to me.

314.  My foes have missed their mark in this shooting at me: I am not the man: I wish that they themselves be guiltless.  If all the fornicators and adulterers in England were hanged up by the neck till they be dead, John Bunyan, the object of their envy, would be still alive and well.  I know not whether there be such a thing as a woman breathing under the copes of the whole heaven, but by their apparel, their children, or by common fame, except my wife.

315.  And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy of women from my first conversion until now.  Those shy of women know, and can also bear me witness, with whom I have been most intimately concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a woman: the common salutation of women I abhor; ’tis odious to me in whomsoever I see it.  Their company alone, I cannot away with; I seldom so much as touch a woman’s hand; for I think these things are not so becoming me.  When I have seen good men salute those women that they have visited, or that have visited them, I have at times made my objection against it; and when they have answered, that it was but a piece of civility, I have told them, it is not a comely sight.  Some indeed have urged the holy kiss; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they did salute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go?  Thus, how laudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others, they have been unseemly in my sight.

316.  And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling not only men, but angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any woman save my wife: nor am I afraid to do it a second time; knowing that it cannot offend the Lord in such a case, to call God for a record upon my soul, that in these things I am innocent.  Not that I have been thus kept, because of any goodness in me, more than any other; but God has been merciful to me, and has kept me; to whom I pray that He will keep me still, not only from this, but every evil way and work, and preserve me to His heavenly kingdom.  Amen.

317.  Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make me vile among my countrymen; that, if possible, my preaching might be made of none effect; so there was added hereto, a long and tedious imprisonment, that thereby I might be frightened from my service for Christ, and the world terrified, and made afraid to hear me preach; of which I shall in the next place give you a brief account.