The Punster's Pocket-book

R. 9. The Rule of Risibility. A man must be the first that laughs at his own pun; as Martial advises:

"Qui studet alterius risum captare lepore,Imprimis rictum contrahat ipse suum.""He that would move another man to laughter,Must first begin, and t'other soon comes after."

R. 10. The Rule of Retaliation obliges you, if a man makes fifty puns, to return all, or the most of them, in the same kind. As for instance: Sir W – sent me a catalogue of Mrs. Prudence's scholars, and desired my advice as to the management of them:

Miss-Chief, the ringleader.

Miss-Advice, that spoils her face with paint.

Miss-Rule, that does every thing she is forbid.

Miss-Application, who has not done one letter in her sampler.

Miss-Belief, who cannot say the Creed yet.

Miss-Call, a perfect Billingsgate.

Miss-Fortune, that lost her grandmother's needle.

Miss-Chance, that broke her leg by romping.

Miss-Guide, that led the young misses into the dirt.

Miss-Lay'd, who left her porringer of flour and milk where the cat got at it.

Miss-Management, that let all her stockings run out at heels for want of darning.

For which I sent the following masters:

Master-Stroke, to whip them.

Master-Workman, to dress them.

Master-Ship, to rig them.

Master-Lye, to excuse them.

Master-Wort, to purge them.

Master-Piece, to patch them.

Master-Key, to lock them up.

Master-Pock, to mortify them.

If these can't keep your ladies quiet,Pull down their courage with low diet.Perhaps, dear sir, you'll think it cruelTo feed them on plain water-gruel;But take my word, the best of breeding!As it is plain, requires plain feeding.Vide Roscommon.

R. 11. The Rule of Repetition: You must never let a pun be lost, but repeat and comment upon it till every one in the company both hears and understands it; ex. gr. Sir, I have good wine to give you; excellent pontack, which I got 'pon tick; but, sir, we must have a little pun-talk over it; you take me, sir, and you, and you too, madam. – There is pun-talk upon pontack, and 'pon tick too, hey.

R. 12. The Elementary Rule. Keep to your elements, whether you have fish, fowl, or flesh, for dinner: As for instance, Is not this fish which Mr. Pool sent me, ex-stream sweet? I think it is main good, what say you? O' my sole, I never tasted better, and I think it ought to take plaice of any that swims: though you may carp at me for saying so, I can assure you that both Dr. Spratt and Dr. Whaley are of my mind. – This is an excellent fowl, and a fit dish for high-flyers. Pray, sir, what is your o-pinion of this wing? As for the leg, the cook ought to be clapper-clawed for not roasting it enough. But, now I think of it, why should this be called the bird of Bacchus? A. Because it was dressed by your drunken cook. Not at all. You mistake the matter. Pray is it not a grape-lover; i. e. grey plover? Are you for any of this mutton, Sir? If not, I can tell you, that you ought to be lamb-asted; for you must know that I have the best in the country. My sheep bear away the bell, and I can assure you that, all weathers, I can treat my friends with as good mutton as this: he that cannot make a meal of it, ought to have it ram-med down his throat.

R. 13. The Rule of Retrospection. By this you may recall a discourse that has been past two hours, and introduce it thus: 'Sir, as you were saying two hours ago – you bought those stockings in Wales; I believe it, for they seem to be well-chose, i. e. Welsh-hose.' – 'Sir, you were saying, if I mistake not, an hour or two ago, that soldiers have the speediest justice. I agree with you in that; for they are never without red-dress.'

R. 14. The Rule of Transition; which will serve to introduce any thing that has the most remote relation to the subject you are upon; ex. gr. If a man puns upon a stable, you may pun upon a cornfield, a meadow, a horse-park, a smith's or sadler's shop; ex. gr. One says, His horses are gone to rack.' Then you answer, 'I would turn out the rascal that looks after them. Hay, sir, don't you think I am right? I would strike while the iron is hot; and pummel the dog to some purpose.'

R. 15. The Rule of Alienation; which obliges you, when people are disputing hotly upon a subject, to pitch upon that word which gives the greatest disturbance, and make a pun upon it. This has not only occasioned peace in private companies, but has put a stop to hot wranglings in parliaments and convocations, which otherwise would not so soon come to a resolution: for, as Horace says, Ridiculum acri, &c.; and very often it is found so. Sir – once, in parliament, brought in a bill which wanted some amendment; which being denied him by the house, he frequently repeated, 'That he thirsted to mend his bill.' Upon which, a worthy member got up, and said, 'Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since that member thirsts so very much, that he may be allowed to mend his draught.' This put the house into such a good humour, that his petition was granted.

R. 16. The Rule of Analogy is, when two persons pun upon different subjects, after the same manner. Ay, says one, 'I went to my shoe-maker's to-day for a pair of shoes which I bespoke a month ago; and when all came to all, the dog bristles up to me with a thousand excuses, that I thought there would never be an end of his discourse: but, upon my calling him a rascal, he began to wax warm, and had the impudence to bid me to vamp off, for he had not leisure now to talk to me, because he was going to dinner: which vexed me indeed to the very sole. Upon this I jumped out of his shop in a great rage, and wished the next bit he eat might be his last.' Says another, 'I went to a tanner's that owed me some money; and (would you think it?) the pitiful fellow was fleshed at it, insomuch that forsooth he could not hide his resentment, but told me, that it was enough to set a man horn mad to be dunned so early in a morning: and, as for his part, he would curry favour no longer with me, let me do my worst. Thus the unmannerly cur barked at me, &c.'

R. 17. The Sophistical Rule is, fixing upon a man's saying which he never spoke, and making a pun upon it, as, 'Ay, sir, since you say he was born in Bark-shire, I say he is a son of a bitch.'

R. 18. The Rule of Train, is a method of introducing puns which we have studied before; ex. gr. By talking of Truelock the gun-smith, his very name will provoke some person in the company to pun. Then you proceed: 'Sir, I smell powder, but you are plaguy weak in your mainspring for punning; I would advise you to get a better stock, before you pretend to let off: though you may think yourself prime in this art, you are much mistaken, for a very young beginner may be a match for you. Ay, sir, you may cock and look big; but, u-pan my word, I take you to be no more than a flash; and Mrs. Skin-flint, my neighbour, shall pun with you for a pistole, if I do not lose my aim, &c.'

R. 19. The Rule of Challenge. As for instance, when you have conned over in your mind a chain of puns, you surprise the best punner in company, after this manner: 'Say Tan-pit, if you dare.'

R. 20. The Sanguine Rule allows you to swear a man out of his pun, and prove yourself the author of it; as Dr. S – served Capt. W – , who was told how a slater, working at his house, fell through all the rafters from top to bottom, and that upon this accident he said, 'He loved to see a man go cleverly through his work.' 'That is mine, by – ,' said the Doctor.

R. 21. The Rule of Concatenation is making a string of puns as fast as you can, that nobody else can put in a word till you have exhausted the subject; ex. gr. There was one John Appleby, a gardener, fell in love with one Mrs. Curran, for her cherrycheeks and her lily white hand; and soon after he got her consent to graft upon her stock. Mr. Link the parson was sent for, who joined the loving pair together; Mr. Rowintree and Mr. Holy-oak were bride-men. The company were, my lady Joan Keel, who came-a-mile on foot to compliment them; and her maid Sally, remarkable for her carrots, that rid upon a chestnut. There was Dr. Burrage too, a constant medlar in other people's affairs. He was lately im-peach'd for murdering Don Quick-set. Mrs. Lettice Skirret and Mrs. Rose-merry were the bride-maids; the latter sang a song to oblige the company, which an arch wag called a funeral dirge: but, notwithstanding this, our friend John began to thrive upon matrimony like a twig in a bush. I forgot to tell you, that the tailor had so much cabbage out of the wedding suit, there was none at all for supper.

R. 22. The Rule of Inoculating is, when a person makes an excellent pun, and you immediately fix another upon it; as Dean Swift one day said to a gentleman, who had a very little bob wig, 'Sir, the dam of your wig is a whisker;' upon which I came in very à propos, and said, 'Sir, that cannot be, for it is but an ear-wig.'

R. 23. The Rule of Desertion allows you to bring a man into a pun, and leave him to work it out: as, suppose you should hear a man say the word incomparable– Then you proceed, in-com-incom-par-par-rable-rable– So let the other make his best of it.

R. 24. The Salick Rule is, a pretence to a jumping of wits: that is, when a man has made a good pun, the other swears with a pun he was just coming out with it. One night, I remember, Mr. – served Dr. – so. The former saying over a bottle, 'Will, I am for my mistress here.' 'How so?' says Tom. 'Why, I am for Wine-if-red.' 'By this crooked stick10,' said Tom, 'I was coming out with it.'

R. 25. The Etymological Rule is, when a man hunts a pun through every letter and syllable of a word: as for example, I am asked, 'What is the best word to spend an evening with?' I answered, 'Potatos; for there is po – pot – pota – potat – potato, and the reverse sot-a-top.'

R. 26. The Rule of Mortification is, when a man having got the thanks and laugh of a company for a good pun, an enemy to the art swears he read it in "Cambridge Jests." This is such an inversion of it, that I think I may be allowed to make examples of these kind of people in verse:

Thus puppies, that adore the dark,Against bright Cynthia howl and bark;Although the regent of the night,Like us, is gay with borrow'd light.

R. 27. The Professionary Rule11 is, to frame a story, and swear you were present at an event where every man talked in his own calling; ex. gr. Major – swears he was present at the seizing of a pick-pocket by a great rabble in Smithfield; and that he heard

A Tailor say, 'Send the dog to hell.'

The Cook, 'Let me be at him, I'll baste him.'

The Joiner, 'It is plain the dog was caught in the fact; I saw him.'

The Blacksmith, 'He is a fine spark indeed!'

The Butcher, 'Knock down the shambling cur.'

The Glazier, 'Make the light shine through him.'

The Bookseller, 'Bind him over.'

The Sadler, 'Pummel him.'

The Farmer, 'Thrash the dog.'

A Popish Priest going by, 'I'll make the Devil fly out of him.'

R. 28. The Brazen-head Rule is, when a punster stands his ground against a whole company, though there is not one to side with him, to the utter destruction of all conversation but his own. As for instance – says one, 'I hate a pun.' – Then he, 'When a pun is meant, is it a punishment?' – 'Deuce take your quibbling!' – 'Sir, I will not bate you an ace, cinque me if I do; and I'll make you know that I am a sice above you.' – 'This fellow cannot talk out of his element.' – 'To divert you was all I meant.'

R. 29. The Hypothetic Rule is, when you suppose things hardly consistent to be united, for the sake of a pun: as for instance – suppose a person in the pillory had received a full discharge of eggs upon every part of his face but the handle of it; why should he make the longest verses in the world? Ans. Versos Alexandrinos, i. e. All-eggs-and-dry-nose.

R. 30. The Rule of Naturalization is, that punning is free of all languages: as for the Latin Romanos you may say 'Roman nose' —Temeraria, 'Tom, where are you?' —Oxoniæ prospectus, 'Pox on you, pray speak to us. For the French quelque chose, you may say in English 'kick shoes.' When one says of a thief, 'I wish he was transported;' answer, 'he is already fur enough.' Dr. Swift made an excellent advantage of this rule one night: when a certain peevish gentleman in his company had lost his spectacles, he bid him 'have a good heart, for, if it continued raining all night, he would find them in the morning.' – 'Pray, how so?' – 'Why, sir,

'Nocte pluit tota, redeunt spectacula manè.'

R. 31. The Rule of Random. When a man speaks any thing that comes uppermost, and some good pun-finder discovers what he never meant in it, then he is to say, 'You have hit it!' As Major Grimes did: complaining that he staid at home by reason of an issue in a leg, which was just beginning to run, he was answered by Mr. – , 'I wonder that you should be confined who have such running legs.' The Major replied, 'You have hit it; for I meant that.'

R. 32. The Rule of Scandal. Never to speak well of another punster; ex. gr. 'Who, he! Lord, sir, he has not sense enough to play at crambo;' or 'He does not know the meaning of synonymous words;' or, 'He never rose so high as a conundrum or a carrywhichit.'

R. 33. The Rule of Catch is, when you hear a man conning a pun softly to himself, to whip it out of his mouth, and pass it upon the company for your own: as for instance; mustard happened to be mentioned in company where I was, and a gentleman with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, was at Mus – mus, sinapi – sinapi – snap eye – bite nose; – One in the company, over-hearing him, bit him, and snapped it up, and said, 'Mustard is the stoutest seed in the world, for it takes the greatest man by the nose.'

R. 34. The Golden Rule allows you to change one syllable for another; by this, you may either lop off, insert, or add to a word; ex. gr.

For Church —Kirk.

For Bangor —Clangor.

For Presbyter —Has-biter.

This rule is of such consequence, that a man was once tried for his life by it. The case was thus: A certain man was brought before a judge of assize for murder: his lordship asked his name, and being answered Spillman, the judge said, 'Take away Sp, and his name is Ill-man; put K to it, and it is Killman: away with him, gaoler; his very name has hanged him12.' This 34th rule, on this occasion, became a rule of court, and was so well liked, that a justice of peace, who shall be nameless, applied every tittle of it to a man brought to him upon the same account, after this manner: 'Come, sir, I conjure you, as I am one of his majesty's justices of the peace, to tell me your name.' – 'My name, an't please you, is Watson.' – 'O ho, sir! Watson! mighty well! Take away Sp from it, and it is Ill-man, and put K to it, and it is Kill-man: away with him, constable, his very name will hang him.'

Let us now consider a new case; as for instance, 'The church of England, as by law established.' Put a T before it, and it is Test-ablished: take away the Test and put in o, and it is Abolished.

How much was Tom Gordon, the late ingenious author of Parson Alberoni, obliged to it, in that very natural story which he framed concerning the preacher, where he tells you, one of the congregation called the minister an Humbassandor for an Ambassador13.

Give me leave, courteous reader, to recommend to your perusal and practice this most excellent rule, which is of such universal use and advantage to the learned world, that the most valuable discoveries, both as to antiquities and etymologies, are made by it; nay, further, I will venture to say, that all words which are introduced to enrich and make a language copious, beautiful, and harmonious, arise chiefly from this rule. Let any man but consult Bentley's Horace, and he will see what useful discoveries that very learned gentleman has made by the help of this rule; or, indeed, poor Horace would have lain under the eternal reproach of making 'a fox eat oats,' had not the learned doctor, with great judgment and penetration, found out nitedula to be a blunder of the librarians for vulpecula; which nitedula, the doctor says, signifies a grass-mouse, and this clears up the whole matter, because it makes the story hang well together: for all the world knows, that weazles have a most tender regard and affection to grass mice, whereas they hate foxes as they do fire-brands. In short, all various lections are to be attributed to this rule: so are all the Greek dialects; or Homer would have wanted the sonorous beauty of his oio's. But the greatest and best masters of this rule, without dispute, were the Dorians, who made nothing of saying tin for soie, tenos for ekeinos, surisdomes for surizomen, &c. From this too we have our quasis in Lexicons. Was it not, by rule the 34th, that the Samaritan, Chaldee, Æthiopic, Syriac, Arabic, and Persian languages were formed from the original Hebrew? for which I appeal to the Polyglot. And among our modern languages, are not the Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, and French, derived and formed from the Latin by the same power? How much poets have been obliged to it, we need no further proof than the figures prothesis, epenthesis, apocope, paragoge, and ellipsis. Trimming and fitting of words to make them more agreeable to our ears, Dionysius Halicarnassensis has taken notice of, in his book 'De Compositione Vocum,' where he pleasantly compares your polite reformers of words to masons with hammers, who break off rugged corners of stones, that they may become more even and firm in their places.

But after all, give me leave to lament, that I cannot have the honour of being the sole inventor of this incomparable rule: though I solemnly protest, upon the word of an author (if an author may have credit), that I never had the least hint toward it, any more than the ladies' letters and young children's pronunciation, till a year after I had proposed this rule to Dr. – , who was an excellent judge of the advantage it might be to the public; when, to my great surprise, tumbling over the third tome of Alstedius, p. 71, right loth to believe my eyes, I met with the following passage: "Ambigua multam faciunt ad hanc rem, oujusmodi exempla plurima reperiuntur apud Plautum, qui in ambiguis crebro ludit. Joci captantur ex permutatione syllabarum et vocum, ut pro Decretum, Discretum; pro Medicus, Mendicus et Merdicus: pro Polycarpus, Polyeopros. Item ex syllabarum ellipsi, ut ait Althusisus, cap. iii. civil. convers. pro Casimirus, J'rus; pro Marcus, Arcus; pro Vinosus, Osus; pro Sacerdotium, Otium. Sic, additione literæ, pro Urbanus, Turbanus:" which exactly corresponded to every branch and circumstance of my rule. Then, indeed, I could not avoid breaking out into the following exclamations, and that after a most pathetic manner: "Wretched Tom Pun-Sibi! Wretched indeed! Are all thy nocturnal lucubrations come to this? Must another, for being a hundred years before thee in the world, run away with the glory of thy own invention? It is true, he must. Happy Alstedius! who, I thought, would have stood me in all-stead, upon consulting thy method of joking! All's tedious to me now, since thou hast robbed me of that honour which would have set me above all writers of the present age. And why not, happy Tom Pun-Sibi? did we not jump together like true wits? But, alas! thou art on the safest side of the bush; my credit being liable to the suspicion of the world, because you wrote before me. Ill-natured critics, in spite of all my protestations, will condemn me, right or wrong, for a plagiary. Henceforward never write any thing of thy own; but pillage and trespass upon all that ever wrote before thee: search among dust and moths for things new to the learned. Farewell, study; from this moment I abandon thee: for, wherever I can get a paragraph upon any subject whatsoever ready done to my hand, my head shall have no further trouble than see it fairly transcribed!" – And this method, I hope, will help me to swell out the Second Part of this work.

THE END OF THE FIRST PART

TOM PUN-SIBI;

OR,

THE GIBER GIB'D14

Mirandi novitate movebere mostri.– Ovid.

Tom was a little merry grig,Fiddled and danced to his own jig;Good-natured, but a little silly;Irresolute, and shally-shilly:What he should do, he cou'dn't guess.Swift used him like a man at chess;He told him once that he had wit,But was in jest, and Tom was bit.Thought himself second son of Phœbus,For ballad, pun, lampoon, and rebus.He took a draught of Helicon,But swallowed so much water down,He got a dropsy; now they say, 'tisTurn'd to poetic diabetes;For all the liquor he has pass'd,Is without spirit, salt, or taste:But, since it pass'd, Tom thought it wit,And so he writ, and writ, and writ:He writ the famous Punning Art,The Benefit of p – s and f – t;He writ the Wonder of all Wonders;He writ the Blunder of all Blunders;He writ a merry farce or poppet,Taught actors how to squeak and hop it;A treatise on the Wooden-man15,A ballad on the nose of Dan;The art of making April fools,The four-and-thirty quibbling rules.The learned say, that Tom went snacksWith Philomaths, for almanacks;Though they divided are, for some say,He writ for Whaley, some for Cumpstey16.Hundreds there are, who will make oath,That he writ almanacks for both;And, though they made the calculations,Tom writ the monthly observations!Such were his writings, but his chatterWas one continual clitter-clatter.Swift slit his tongue, and made it talk,Cry, 'Cup o' sack,' and 'Walk, knave, walk!'And fitted little prating PallFor wire-cage, in Common-Hall;Made him expert at quibble-jargon,And quaint at selling of a bargain.Pall, he could talk in different linguos,But he could not be taught distinguos:Swift tried in vain, and angry thereat,Into a spaniel turn'd the parrot;Made him to walk on his hind-legs,He dances, fawns, and paws, and begs;Then cuts a caper o'er a stick17,Lies close, does whine, and creep, and lick:Swift put a bit upon his snout,Poor Tom! he daren't look about;But when that Swift does give the word,He snaps it up, though 'twere a t – .Swift strokes his back, and gives him victual,And then he makes him lick his spittle.Sometimes he takes him on his lap,And makes him grin, and snarl, and snap.He sets the little cur at me;Kick'd, he leapt upon his knee;I took him by the neck to shake him,And made him void his album Græcum.'Turn out the stinking cur, pox take him!'Quoth Swift: though Swift could sooner want anyThing in the world, than a Tanta-ny,And thus not only makes his grigA parrot, spaniel, but his pig.ADVERTISEMENT

The Second Part of this Work will be published with all convenient expedition: to which will be added, A small Treatise of Conundrums, Carriwhichits, and Long-petites; together with the Winter-fire's Diversion; The Art of making Rebuses; The Antiquity of Hoop-petticoats proved from Adam's two Daughters, Calmana and Delbora, &c. &c. &c.