The Complete Ruby Redfort Collection

Chapter 3.

‘Sounded like dessert’

‘HEY HONEY, HOW’S MY GIRL?’ said her father, lifting Ruby up over his shoulder and mussing her hair. It was a ‘welcome home’ ritual Brant Redfort had never grown out of.

‘Hey Dad, d’ya wanna cool it, you’re messing with my look!’ said Ruby in a somewhat strangled voice.

‘Oh Brant!’ said Sabina Redfort, pretending to disapprove. ‘For an intelligent man you really can behave like a total nut.’ No one but Sabina would ever describe Brant Redfort as intelligent. Ruby had been born to parents who would never be giving Einstein a run for his money.

In many ways nature had been generous to Brant and Sabina. They had been given an easy charm and likeability, good looks and generous personalities. But for all their fairytale-like graces, they had little going on upstairs in the smart department. However, you would be hard-pressed to meet a more popular couple, and for this reason they headed up just about every committee or fundraising benefit in Twinford – they were what’s known as ‘socialites’.

The Redfort family walked upstairs to the living room and settled down on one of the large white couches.

‘So how was Switzerland?’ said Ruby ‘Oh it was wonderful, just wonderful, if we hadn’t had to get back for the museum launch we would have stayed on longer,’ said Sabina wistfully.

‘Oh yeah, what museum launch is that?’ said Ruby.

‘Ruby, surely you haven’t forgotten about the Jade Buddha of Khotan!’ exclaimed her mother.

‘Sabina honey, she’s pulling your leg,’ said Brant, raising his eyes heavenwards. ‘You have been talking about nothing but the museum launch for the last two months.’

‘Oh very cute!’ laughed Sabina as she pinched Ruby on the cheek.

Ruby’s parents were both wildly excited about the Jade Buddha coming to Twinford. Stolen from the ancient kingdom of Khotan during the 8th century and missing for over a thousand years the Buddha had recently been rediscovered encased in a block of ice somewhere north of Alaska. The archaeologist who dug the artefact out of the glacier was the senior curator of the Twinford City Museum, Dr Enrico Gonzales. In recognition of this monumental and heroic discovery, the people of Khotan had agreed to have the Buddha displayed at the museum for a limited period before it made its long journey home. Brant and Sabina were, of course, on the museum party committee.

‘You guys sure do travel light,’ said Ruby looking around for their suitcases.

‘Oh yes,’ said her mother. ‘The airline managed to lose every piece of our luggage – can you believe it!’

‘So I guess you lost all your vacation pictures too?’ said Ruby hopefully. Ruby had endured many tedious hours of her parents’ vacation snapshots and would go to any reasonable lengths to avoid the misery of a family slide show.

‘No,’ said her father, ‘luckily I kept all the film in my carry-on luggage – I can’t wait to get them developed, you’ll see I got some beautiful shots.’ Ruby considered this unlikely; Brant was a horrible photographer.

After quite a lot of welcoming from a very excited Mrs Digby – ‘Good to have you back at last, you’ve been away too long!’ and a good deal more fussing, ‘You’ve lost weight Mrs R, you need feeding up,’ – supper was ready and the family sat down to eat. Mrs Digby had gone to a lot of trouble with the table and there was a huge floral display which was very difficult to see over or indeed round.

During dinner, Ruby’s parents burbled on about the wonderful hotel and the delicious schnitzel and the beautiful Alps. And the conversation went something like this:

SABINA: ‘Quite the tastiest schnitzel I have ever tasted.’

BRANT: ‘And what about those Alps! Talk about high.’

Until Ruby wished they would start talking about the Jade Buddha again. But then, of course, they did.

SABINA: ‘Speaking of Switzerland, Marjorie mentioned that the Buddha’s glass display case has all been expertly designed by a Swiss expert – no one’s met him, no one – he’s an utter recluse.’

BRANT: ‘Oh yes, that’s right, a fellow named… what’s his name honey?’

RUBY: ‘Klaus Gustav.’

Ruby hadn’t exactly been listening, but she had been party to so many of these discussions that her brain had absorbed all the interesting and less than interesting details.

SABINA: ‘That’s right Ruby! Well, according to Marjorie the glass display case will be the shape of a cylinder and is going to rise up through the museum floor at the stroke of midnight!’

BRANT: ‘How does he do it, do you think?’

SABINA: ‘Beats me! Must be some kind of magician – no one even knows how you get that glass cylinder open – it’s top secret.’

BRANT: ‘Well if their glass is as excellent as their schnitzel we are going to be in for a treat!’

…and they were back to talking about schnitzel again.

Ruby wished hard for some kind of distraction before her brain froze over – and her wish was granted by a loud thud and a high pitched shriek.

‘Whatever in the world was that?’ exclaimed Mrs Redfort.

‘Sounded like dessert,’ said Ruby.

‘What?’ said her mother.

‘I must say having Consuela around is great if you are looking to lose weight but I am afraid our friend Bug has been pounding it on.’

‘Bug’s been putting on weight? What do you mean? Why would Bug put on weight?’ asked Mrs Redfort.

‘On account of all the low flying food in there,’ replied Ruby. ‘Mrs Digby and Consuela throw ingredients at each other nearly every night. Most of it ends up on the floor and Bug is only too happy to clean up, if you know what I mean.’

‘What!’ said Brant who was very much against pets eating their owner’s food.

There was a crashing sound followed by a yelp.

‘Yeah, I’ve pretty much got used to it but you may get complaints from the neighbours any day soon.’

‘Oh we don’t want that,’ said Brant, looking over towards where Mr Parker lived. Mr Parker was a very difficult man.

‘Get used to what?’ said Sabina

‘Kitchen friction,’ replied Ruby. ‘Mrs Digby can’t stand Consuela and Consuela can’t stand Mrs Digby – it’s been like this ever since you guys went away.’

‘Really?’ said Sabina

‘Oh yeah,’ said Ruby raising her voice a little, to make herself heard over what sounded like the smashing of a cut-glass tulip vase. ‘It’s been terrible – I must say this fish is very good though.’

Sabina slammed down her napkin, stood up and strode over to the kitchen door.

‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Mom,’ warned Ruby through a mouthful of mackerel. But Sabina was not to be deterred. She opened the door just as Mrs Digby took aim with a pitcher of tomato juice. Consuela ducked and Sabina found herself covered in red gloop.

‘Mrs Digby! What has gotten into you!’

Mrs Digby quickly reached for a large dishcloth, put it down and picked up a towel.

‘That’s the second time today that someone has thrown a drink over my Oscar Birdet suit!’ exclaimed Sabina.

‘Really? Who was the first?’ inquired Ruby, who was by now standing in the doorway, and chewing on a carrot.

‘Some frantic little man at the airport – spills my martini all down my front and now this! Boy, this tomato is never going to come out.’

‘Let me clean it up, Mrs R,’ said Mrs Digby, who was looking rather pale in the face.

‘I’ll thank you not to touch it Mrs Digby, it’s dry-clean only!’ replied Sabina, these last words coming out rather more sharply and with more volume than she had intended.

‘Is never gonna be clean again Mrs Redfort, no way José,’ said Consuela giving Mrs Digby a smug look. Sabina was about to try and calm things down when Mrs Digby got in first.

‘Well, I can see whose side you are taking in all this, and me a person you’ve known your whole entire life. I see thirty-six years of service and loyalty count for very little round these parts. Maybe I’ll just go and pack the few sorry possessions I own and get out of here for good! No doubt cousin Emily will take me in.’

‘Oh Mrs Digby! Please don’t… ’ pleaded Sabina, but it was no use. Mrs Digby was already making her way downstairs to her housekeepers apartment – there would be no pancakes for breakfast, that was for sure.

Ruby was relieved when the telephone rang.

‘Redfort high drama society. You want drama, we got it.’

She hoped it would be Clancy Crew, he would certainly lighten the atmosphere – but it was Marjorie Humbert.

The following words were delivered by Ruby at super high speed to avoid conversation.

‘Hello Mrs Humbert yes I’m weller than you could begin to imagine I would love to chat but I know my mother is on the edge of her seat at the prospect of talking to you – bye, bye, bye!’

Ruby handed the phone to Sabina. ‘Gotta walk, Bug,’ she said, and whistled to the dog.

Jeepers, could I use some air.

Ruby and Bug left by the back door and made their way down Cedarwood Drive, turning right on Amster Street. Ruby decided to stop by the tree on Amster Green; a large oak in the middle of a triangle of grass. It stood there surrounded by blossom trees; a wooden bench sat directly under it. The oak tree was old, with branches that twisted towards the ground and swept up again. It was perfect for climbing. Ruby and Clancy liked to sit up this tree and watch the people down below; when the tree was in leaf it provided perfect cover.

Ruby jumped on to the bench, swung herself onto the lowest branch and from there made her way quickly up to the highest climbable limb. Finding the hole in the bark, she felt around with her hand and pulled out a piece of elaborately folded paper. A perfectly formed origami turtle. Ruby and Clancy had got into the habit of leaving each other tree notes, written in code and usually folded in this complicated way as it meant they would be sure to know if someone had got there first – origami was impossible to re-fold without knowing how, and very few people knew how. Clancy had obviously written the note on his way back home because it said,

wvitp xrauuziv vuwp eofyboc efivrlw ay va mq vcwpw *

Ruby smiled, scribbled something on a bubblegum wrapper,

nsyq ltszsjyk wvy ptrwayoe

pushed it into the hole in the tree and climbed back down. When she got home, she found her parents were still discussing the tomato gloop incident. Her mother was saying, ‘I hate for Mrs Digby to be unhappy but we can’t lose Consuela, she is a dietary genius.’

‘Why don’t I call that house management agency?’ said her father, ‘see if they can’t send someone to sort of keep control.’

‘I guess it’s worth a shot,’ replied her mother.

The telephone began to ring.

‘I’ll get it!’ called Ruby, she was sure this time it would be Clancy complaining about all the smiling he had had to do at his dad’s dinner, but disappointingly there was no one on the end of the line.

*CLUE 1: THIS IS A VIGENERE CIPHER. YOU WILL NEED TO FIND THE KEY. THE EYES HAVE IT.

Chapter 4.

Full of nothing

THE NEXT MORNING RUBY WAS JUST fixing her barrette the way she always fixed her barrette, when the phone in her bathroom rang.

It will be Clancy, she thought. I’ll bet he’s calling to complain about his hives.

She picked up the receiver.

‘Twinford sewage plant, how may we assist?’

But there was no reply.

‘Weird,’ muttered Ruby, replacing the handset.

There was no sign of Mrs Digby – no doubt she was still smarting about the tomato incident. So Ruby swallowed a large glass of orange juice in a single gulp, grabbed her school bag with one hand and a chocolate peanut cookie with the other, and shouted goodbye to her parents, who didn’t hear because they were engaged in a fascinating discussion about which drycleaners might best remove a tomato stain from a silk jacket.

BRANT: ‘Honey, take it to Quick Clean, then you’ll have it back in no time.’

SABINA: ‘Are you kidding, Brant? This is an Oscar Birdet jacket! Do you even know what that means? I’ll take it to Grosvenors.’

RUBY: Oh brother.

Ruby’s bike had a flat so she was taking the school bus this morning.

Twinford Junior High School was two buildings really. One old, grand and in some ways beautiful – a little run-down on the inside but somehow comfortable. The other starkly modern, stylish and sterile. Ruby sauntered into class just before Mrs Drisco, her homeroom teacher, called out her name. Mrs Drisco made the same comment she always made when Ruby was late, and Ruby made the usual faces behind her back.

The truth was Mrs Drisco found Ruby Redfort ‘rather full of herself, utterly unmanageable and impossible to teach’. Ruby Redfort found Mrs Drisco ‘a royal pain in the derriere’.

They were both right.

When it came to teaching the cleverest student in the history of Twinford Junior High, Mrs Drisco was out of her depth. On the other hand, it was a little pathetic for a grown-up teacher to be so snarky.

Once this little pupil-teacher exchange was over, Ruby went and sat down next to Clancy.

‘So was last night fun?’ whispered Ruby.

‘Well, that depends on what you call fun – my sister Nancy accidentally sat on the Spanish ambassador’s dessert,’ replied Clancy.

‘Oh, well at least she got dessert – some of us weren’t so lucky,’ said Ruby

‘What?’ said Clancy

‘Never mind, I’ll tell you later,’ whispered Ruby.

It was the usual Twinford Junior High day, nothing in any way out of the ordinary. Ruby had the usual interaction with her arch enemy Vapona Begwell, which went something like this…

VAPONA: ‘Hey Ruby, can you see outta those glasses because my suggestion would be – don’t look in the mirror if you don’t wanna give yourself a fright.’

RUBY: ‘Why, you gonna be standing behind me?’

There was a mildly interesting geography lesson followed by a mind-numbingly dreary French class (Ruby’s French was already so good that she spent the lesson reading War and Peace in the original Russian). History had Mrs Schneiderman promising in the next week or so to give a lecture on the Jade Buddha of Khotan. ‘My, is it ever the most fascinating story,’ she said. ‘I could talk about it forever.’

‘Meet my folks and you probably will,’ muttered Ruby.

At lunch time Ruby got into an altercation with Mrs Arthur over the let them eat cake T-shirt she was wearing. Ruby was protesting about Mrs Arthur’s strict guidelines about cake – or, more accurately, no cake. Mrs Arthur had banned cake.

MRS ARTHUR: ‘Cake is in no way essential and should not be present in any child’s diet.’

RUBY: ‘Cake is one of life’s great wonders and who would deny wonder to a child?’

All the pupils, with the exception of Denning Minkle, who had a sugar allergy, supported Ruby. However, Ruby was requested to turn her T-shirt inside out or risk a month of detention.

Ruby said goodbye to Clancy, who was being kept behind so he could retake his French vocab test. He was nervous; French made him feel queasy and Madame Loup gave him the shivers.

‘You’ll be fine, Clance,’ said Ruby, as she secretly slipped him an index card. ‘Copy this list onto your arm and you’ll have no problem.’

The piece of paper had all the test answers written in code – the code they had devised a couple of years ago and perfect for a situation like this. To the regular human on the street it just looked like gobbledygook.

Then it was time to catch the bus back to Cedarwood Drive.

Yes, everything was pretty normal. Things only began to get strange when Ruby arrived home.

She swung open the gate and saw that the front door to the house was standing open and a police car was parked in the drive. As she walked up the stairs to the kitchen she could hear the voice of Sheriff Bridges.

Now what is he doing here?

It didn’t take Ruby long to find out. She stood there in the living room, open mouthed.

Everything had gone. Well, almost everything. The telephone was still plugged into its socket and was sitting on the floor. Apart from that the house was as empty as a house could be. Even the dust was gone. It was obvious to anyone, even someone who had never visited the Redforts before, that they had been burgled.

‘Yes,’ said her mother, second guessing her daughter’s thoughts, ‘Every room is full of nothing.’

Chapter 5.

More of nothing

RUBY TURNED AND RAN UPSTAIRS, right to the top of the house. She went into her empty bedroom and set about pulling at the wobbly floorboards. As she lifted them up she was met by the yellow glow of her 622 yellow notebooks.

Thank goodness, it seemed everything was in order. Next she checked the doorjamb – and was reassured to see that, yes, the 621st notebook was also safe. She checked her other eleven hiding places before breathing a huge sigh of relief.

As Ruby turned to leave the room, she caught sight of her donut phone tucked underneath the bookcase. It was the only remaining phone from her collection and the only remaining visible object in the room. She picked it up and dialled Clancy’s number. He wasn’t home yet so she left a message. ‘Call me, OK?’ Then she went back downstairs. As she walked into the kitchen she adopted an expression of quiet distress.

‘I’m sorry sweetheart,’ said her mother kindly.

‘Don’t worry Ruby, we’re going to track this yoyo down,’ said the sheriff, patting her on the shoulder. ‘I’ll see myself out, Mrs R.’

‘Goodbye Nat,’ called Sabina.

Two minutes later the doorbell rang.

‘Oh, Ruby honey, would you get that?’ asked her mother. ‘It’s probably Nat, he’s forgotten his notepad.’

But when Ruby answered the door she was surprised to see a remarkably handsome, rather tall, formally dressed man. He was neither particularly young nor would he ever be considered in any way old – in fact it was impossible to really put any accurate age on him.

‘You are inside out,’ said the man, extending his hand.

‘Huh?’ said Ruby.

‘Let me guess, the so-called authority figures didn’t like your silent demands?’ he was pointing at her T-shirt which was of course inside out, the let them eat cake slogan no longer visible.

‘Oh yeah,’ she said, ‘something like that…’

How did he know about the school cake protest? she wondered.

Who is this guy?

Her mother by now had made her way downstairs. ‘Can I help you?’ she asked uncertainly.

‘Hitch,’ said the man, looking into the house. ‘I see you go in for the minimalist look.’

‘Pardon me? Oh yes, I see what you mean, we’ve been robbed,’ stammered Sabina. ‘I’m afraid there’s nothing to photograph.’

‘Well, lucky I didn’t bring my camera.’

‘Why ever not?’ Sabina said, shaking his hand – Ruby noticed the man wince as if the action had caused him a sudden flash of pain.

‘Because I take terrible photographs – always getting my thumb in front of the lens.’

Sabina looked blank. ‘But aren’t you the photographer from Living Luxury Magazine?’

‘I’m a household manager – from Zen Home management – you called this morning?’

‘Oh!’ said Sabina, brightly, ‘you’re the butler?’

‘I prefer household manager, but butler if you insist.’

‘But I only called the house management agency a few hours ago, they said no one would be available for weeks, how did you…’

‘I returned from London unexpectedly two hours ago. My previous employers, Lord and Lady Wellingford, suddenly decided to tour the palaces of India and no longer required my services.’

‘But surely they will be back in a few weeks?’

‘Not for three years,’ he replied quickly.

‘It takes three years to tour the palaces of India?’ said Sabina.

‘They are travelling by elephant.’

A likely story, thought Ruby. I’ll bet he got fired.

‘So, do you want to see my references? I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.’ He winked at Sabina and she giggled.

‘I’ll bet I won’t!’ said Sabina cheerily,

Oh brother! thought Ruby

‘I’m so glad you’re here, Mr Hitch.’

‘Just Hitch – that’ll do fine.’

‘Oh of course, that’s a butler thing isn’t it, calling yourself by your last name.’