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Without warning, Pauline leaned in for an unexpected hug. Izzy found she held on to her for a second too long. She wanted to go back to the office with her colleague. She wanted clean hair and ironed clothes. She wanted to escape the never-ending routine of feeding, nappy changes, battling for longer naps, and wiping up milky sick.
I can’t do this anymore! A voice roared in Izzy’s head.
She was so close to admitting what she knew she couldn’t admit. Tears pricked her eyes as she forced the truth back down. She just wanted someone to know how she felt, not that anyone would understand. How could you say such a taboo out loud – that you weren’t cut out to be a mother? No one said it was going to be this hard. No one else struggled this much.
‘You take care of yourself, love,’ Pauline said, with a sympathetic head tilt.
Izzy could only bite the inside of her cheek and nod in reply. She watched Pauline walk away and felt her heart fall and spirit crumple. She slammed her boot shut and jumped into the driver’s seat, a fresh wave of embarassment washing over her as she tugged the seatbelt across her, catching sight of her fluffy sheep pyjamas once more. She turned the engine on and thrust the car into reverse, desperate to get back to the safety of her messy house. If she needed proof that she was failing so spectacularly the look on Pauline’s face had said it all. Izzy turned the radio up trying to forget what had just happened. She drove down the main street with Pauline’s sad expression scorched in her mind. It had been a long time since anyone had looked at her like that. The car in front began to brake, Izzy slowed down and looked out of the window, catching sight of two mums pushing their pushchairs and laughing together. What was their secret?
The DJ was playing a dance track from some band she’d never heard of. The song was too loud and upbeat for how she felt. She pinched the bridge of her nose to try and relieve the tension headache that was coming on and turned the radio off. Silence filled the car.
Evie must have fallen back to sleep. Perhaps Izzy would have enough time to unload the shopping before her daughter woke demanding her next feed. She momentarily caught sight of her bloodshot eyes and heavy eye bags in the rear-view mirror. She barely recognised herself, God only knew what Pauline must have thought. It was then that she felt her heart stop. It wasn’t the sight of her haunting face staring back at her that alarmed her but what she could see in the backseat. Evie’s car seat was empty.
‘Shit! Evie!’
Izzy had been so busy fretting about Pauline and what she was going to tell the team that she’d forgotten to lift Evie from the trolley and strap her into the car. She was still in the supermarket car park! Saliva rushed to her mouth, she felt like she’d been slapped. Izzy beeped her horn aggressively hoping someone would let her pull out. But she was trapped in a queue of cars, unable to turn around or even nudge forward. The driver in front stuck two fingers up at her.
‘Hurry up, hurry up!’
Finally there was a break in the traffic. She somehow managed to inch through an extremely tight gap. Her hands shook as she slammed on the indicator and shot around the corner. If she took the next right she could swing back on herself and race into the supermarket car park, although she was forgetting that there were temporary traffic lights on this road.
‘Nooooo!’ She screamed as the lights turned to red just as she approached and a stream of people crossed the road. She was trying to think straight. Should she call someone to check that Evie was still there? Get someone to wait with her? Her shaking fingers dialled Andrew’s number but she hung up before it connected. She would be back at the supermarket in thirty seconds once these lights turned green. What would she even say to him? Sorry, babe, I forgot our baby as I was too preoccupied with being judged by someone I work with.
Izzy tried to control her erratic breathing. Should she call the police? What if the police were already there? What if another shopper had seen an abandoned baby and called them?
The lights finally turned green. Izzy screeched into the Tesco car park. She felt hot and sick and terrified. If something had happened to her baby, if someone had taken her, she—
‘Oh thank God!’
Izzy soared over the speed bumps, she could see the trolley that was partially blocked behind a pillar – exactly where she had left it no more than two minutes ago. Evie was peacefully gazing up at the clouds, still tightly strapped in. Izzy had her seatbelt off and the door flung open within seconds. She scooped Evie out of the trolley baby seat and showered her with kisses, her salty tears falling on her daughter’s milky soft cheeks.
‘I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Mummy’s here.’
It was official. She was the worst mum in the world.
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