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Victoria Cooke grew up in the city of Manchester before crossing the Pennines in pursuit of her career in education. She now lives in Huddersfield with her husband and two young daughters. When she’s not at home writing by the fire with a cup of coffee in hand, she loves working out in the gym and travelling. Victoria has always had a passion for reading and writing, undertaking several writers’ courses before completing her first novel in 2016.
Why readers and authors love Victoria Cooke!
‘An unputdownable read’
Rachel Burton
‘A true love story’
Amazon Reviewer
‘I couldn’t put it down’
Jessica Bell
‘Delightful contemporary romance’
Amazon Reviewer
Also by Victoria Cooke:
The Secret to Falling in Love
The Holiday Cruise
Who Needs Men Anyway?
It Started with a Note
A Summer to Remember
VICTORIA COOKE
HQ
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2019
Copyright © Victoria Cooke 2019
Victoria Cooke asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
E-book Edition © July 2019 ISBN: 9780008310264
Version: 2019-06-13
Table of Contents
Cover
About the Author
Why readers and authors love Victoria Cooke!
Also by Victoria Cooke
Title page
Copyright
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
Extract
Dear Reader …
Keep Reading …
About the Publisher
For my nanna, Lillian.
For your sense of humour, strength and determination.
xxx
Prologue
2010
The black and white chequered floor whizzes past. Like a psychedelic trip, it isn’t real. I know that I’m running. I can’t feel my limbs moving, just the vague sensation of the air resistance caused by the motion. I’m on autopilot, and the only thing tying me to the reality of where I am, is the pungent smell of disinfectant that’s been with me at every turn.
I stop abruptly, almost colliding with a person dressed head-to-toe in baggy green scrubs. My heart pounds in my chest. I look down at my hand, the knuckles white, still clutching my phone from when I got the call. It can only have been twenty minutes ago. It’s hard to tell because it feels like a lifetime has passed. The surgeon seems to understand that I can’t speak; his features are barely displaced, neutral, but there’s something lurking in his earthy eyes. Sympathy? ‘Mrs Butterfield?’ he asks. I nod, my mouth like Velcro, my brain too disengaged to speak.
‘Mrs Butterfield, I’m sorry. We did everything we could.’
Did?
You can’t have.
The blood pumping in my ears is deafening. Barbed wire is wrenched from the pit of my stomach, right up through my oesophagus. I’ve never felt pain like it. My legs give way, unable to bear the weight of the surgeon’s words and my knees crash to the floor.
I’m vaguely aware of a low, drawn-out wail. It’s me. The surgeon crouches down and looks me directly in the eyes. The warmth of his chestnut-brown gaze anchors me, and I’m able to gather tendrils of composure. I take a breath.
‘Mrs Butterfield, is there anyone we can call for you?’
I shake my head. I only have one person, and now he’s dead.
Chapter 1
2018
‘Eurgh.’ I slam the pearlescent invite down by the kettle. ‘Plus one,’ I say in a mocking tone. Coco cocks her head to the side like she’s trying to understand me, and I cup her fluffy face.
‘I know, I don’t get it either.’ My cat’s emerald eyes are still intent on me so, glad of an audience, I carry on.
‘Why Bridget has to assume I need someone by my side is beyond me. As if I’m not capable of going to a wedding without a plus one. It’s not nineteen blooming twenty. I don’t need a chaperone. Perhaps I’ll take you, Coco. That’ll teach her.’ I tickle her under her chin and she stretches out lazily. I’m only half joking.
As I pour my first coffee of the day, my phone rings. ‘Someone’s ears are burning,’ I say on answering.
‘Really?’ Bridget also ignores the need for pleasantries.
‘I got your wedding invite,’ I say dryly.
‘Well, don’t sound too enthusiastic about the happiest day of your best friend’s life,’ she retorts.
‘Aren’t we a bit old for best friends?’
‘Don’t change the subject.’
I rub my temples with my thumb and forefinger. ‘I’m sorry, Bridge. I just, well … I’d specifically told you I didn’t need a plus one.’
‘It’s just a formality, Sam. Don’t be so sensitive. I just wanted you to know the option is there if you did want to bring someone.’
‘Well, I don’t,’ I say, before feeling a little guilty. ‘It just seems so old-fashioned, like, the lil lady needs a gentleman to escort her.’ I put on my best ‘Southern Belle’ accent, and Bridget giggles.
‘I’m sorry,’ she says. ‘It wasn’t meant to offend you.’
‘I did warn you,’ I scold. ‘Look, I’m not on the lookout for a man, nor am I resigned to being alone – I’m happy with it. People need to stop assuming I need someone. I got the bloody cat everyone thought I should get, okay!’
‘I know, I’m sorry. Everyone else will be coupled up, so I just thought if you wanted to bring a friend, then you could, that’s all.’
‘All of my friends will already be there.’ I’m aware of my exasperated tone so I soften it a little. ‘I was just telling Coco that she could be my plus one.’
‘You’d better bloody well not.’ Bridget’s stern tone amuses me. I sense that she wouldn’t put it past me.
‘Oh, now you’ve made her sad.’ Coco looks far from sad as she rubs her face on my balled-up fist. ‘I’ve seen some gorgeous cat dresses on eBay.’
‘Bring her and I’ll have you both escorted out,’ Bridget replies.
‘Then stop assuming I can’t be single and happy.’
‘Fine!’ she sighs. ‘But send me a picture of one of those cat dresses, it’s been a miserable week.’
I’m happy it’s time to drop the subject. It may seem like an overreaction, but Bridget knows as well as my other friends do that my frustrations are the result of a good seven years’ worth of do-gooders trying to set me up with brothers, colleagues, friends of friends, and even a sister at one point. I’m happy on my own. It’s like the saying goes, ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.’ All I need are my memories and my cat.
‘How’s work?’ she asks.
I groan, wondering where to start. ‘I’m still working my backside off to make the US team. Seventh time lucky, hey?’ Every year five people from our offices are chosen to go to Boston for three months to work on a global marketing project with the American head office team. I’ve tried for seven years – yes, seven years – to make the cut. It’s become my obsession.
‘Oh Sam, this year has to be your year,’ she says sympathetically.
‘It’s like no matter how hard I try, someone else shines brighter. This year I’ve worked my backside off and if I’m not chosen, I might start looking somewhere else.’ It sounds like I’m being a drama queen, but I’ve given everything to Pink Apple Advertising and I’ve been pretty open about wanting to go to Boston. If they don’t choose me this year, I don’t think they ever will, and that Boston trip is the only real catalyst to a promotion.
‘Well, if they don’t pick you this time, they don’t deserve you.’ Bridget sounds distracted, like most people do when I talk about work.
I stifle a sigh. My friends will never understand how much it means to me. ‘The invites are gorgeous, by the way,’ I say, stroking the silver ribbon running down the thick, shimmery cream card with embossed dusky pink lettering. She was right when she said it will be the best day of her life.
2003
My breath catches in my throat. There he is, chewing the corner of his thumbnail nervously. He looks so vulnerable standing there in his navy suit and tie. When his eyes set upon mine, I can feel their warmth envelop me. His head tilts ever-so-slightly to the side and his watery eyes crinkle when he smiles. I glance down at my simple ivory dress, self-consciously smoothing out non-existent wrinkles. My mum had steamed the thing to death, fussing about invisible creases and generally adding to my overall nervousness.
The music starts, a piano instrumental of Canon in D, and butterflies beat venomously in my stomach when the expectant faces turn towards me. My mum is there, at the front with her new olive-coloured organza hat on. She’s clutching a tissue to her face.
‘Are you ready, pumpkin?’ my dad whispers in my ear. Normally, I’d tell him not to call me that, but today I’m too nervous to care.
I grip my dad’s arm tighter in mine, clutch my bouquet of white lilies with the other and take a deep breath before setting off. It’s a blur as we walk down the small aisle, past a handful of close friends and family, to where Kev is waiting. When I join him, he gives my hand a gentle squeeze and leans in close and breathes into my ear.
‘You … are … beautiful.’
I feel his words.
Suddenly the room is ours and ours alone.
Chapter 2
2018
I smooth down the skirt of my Ted Baker dress as I walk into the church, smiling as I take in the beautiful flower displays. Bridget has chosen pageboys and flower girls instead of bridesmaids so that she didn’t have to choose between her closest friends or fork out for a bazillion extortionately priced dresses. To be honest, I was quite relieved when she told me. Being plucked, waxed and spray-tanned within an inch of my life didn’t really appeal, though I have shaved my legs for the occasion. I’ve worn this dress to three recent weddings because it fits my slender five-foot-five frame perfectly. It has a pencil skirt in shades of metallic pink and rose gold, with a plain white chiffon top. My make-up is minimal, and my dark hair hangs in loose waves which look like they dried that way after my morning surf but in actual fact took the hairdresser thirty minutes of wanding, teasing and praying to the hair gods for. I’ve never surfed in my life. I don’t go in the sea ever – too much uncertainty lurking under that strange foamy stuff which floats on the surface.
Viv, Sarah and their husbands are easy to spot as I make my way down the aisle. I slide into the spot they’ve saved for me next to Viv.
‘It could be you next,’ Viv gushes as I place my bag on the floor. Seriously, I’ve just sat down. It’s as if she doesn’t know better, except for the fact that she bloody well does. I’m about to say something about hell freezing over first but second guess myself. Can you say the word ‘hell’ in church? The last time I paid any attention to religion was the Harvest festival in 1996, and that was only because the vicar looked a little bit like Mark Owen. Am I about to be struck down by lightning? Maybe I should cross myself.
‘So, you didn’t bring anyone then?’ Sarah leans across to ask. She kind of purses her lips in a sympathetic way. I don’t reply, but seriously, it’s okay to go to a wedding alone. It’s like these people don’t even know me, despite the fact we’ve been friends since Bridget introduced us over seven years ago.
When I first met these women, I’d just moved to London. I couldn’t bear to stay in our village after losing Kev. I needed a clean slate. My old life had finished, and I needed something completely different. It was almost a year to the day I’d lost Kev when I bumped into Bridget in the foyer at work. And I mean literally bumped into her, knocking her espresso out of her hand so hard that it flew over her shoulder, luckily without spilling so much as a drop on her cream suit. She worked for a different company in the same building, and being new to London, I was hugely intimidated by her. She laughed off the faux pas and said I looked like I needed a stiff drink. We met up after work, I told her my story, and the rest is history.
Viv and Sarah are Bridget’s close friends, but soon became mine too. At first, they took pity on me, listened to my endless stories about Kev and offered sympathy whilst I revelled in my new friendship group. But before long, they started to talk about me ‘putting myself back out there’. I’ve been defending my singlehood ever since.
I give her a tight smile and nod. It’s the same old story. Sympathetic glances when people learn you’re single in your mid (okay, late) thirties, and the comments are always along the lines of ‘you’ll meet someone soon.’ In some ways, I feel sorry for them, thinking you need a man to make your life better. A man can’t make your life better. Only a soulmate can even come close to doing that, and I’d already found mine.
The organ starts to play. The dull sound of pressurised air being forced through the pipes reminds me of death. Why they play this instrument at weddings is beyond me. Everyone turns to catch the first glimpse of the bride. Bridget looks stunning in a simple silk gown with capped lace sleeves and a diamanté-encrusted waistband. Her blonde hair is in a neat chignon with some loose curls framing her face. She smiles at us as she walks past, her rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes radiating happiness. I remember that feeling too, and I cherish it.
***
Thank god. I swipe a welcome Pimm’s on arrival at the hotel reception, and it goes down rather too easily. Churches are tinged with the memory of Kev’s funeral. Whilst the funeral itself is a blur, I’ve never felt comfortable in one since.
‘Slow down, Sam, it’s only noon,’ Sarah says, taking mouse-like sips from her own.
‘You do you, okay?’ I say, before realising I sound harsh. ‘Sorry. I love weddings and I love seeing my friends happy, but they do bring back memories.’
Sarah strokes my arm. ‘We get it, hon, but if you get sloshed and make a prized tit out of yourself, you’ll regret it.’
‘That happened one time,’ I say with an eye-roll.
‘Yes, and I forgave you because everything was still raw and because I wasn’t letting anything spoil my big day. You need to be here for Bridget today.’ Her eyes bore into me, but their intensity is broken by the waiter offering more Pimm’s. I decline and look pointedly at Sarah, who wears a smug expression.
Across the foyer of the hotel, Bridget and her new husband Alex are posing for photographs. The photographer is shepherding miniature humans into a line. It’s like a comedy sketch: just as he manages to get one end of the line straight, he loses a child from the other end. His face is starting to redden.
‘We should find our table,’ Viv says, moving us on.
The tables are not numbered or named like usual. Instead, we have to find ours by working out the punchline of a joke. ‘Well, Mrs Killjoy, you’ll never find your table,’ I whisper to Sarah, who gives me a tight smile and shakes her head. The joke for our table reads: ‘What happens when Iron Man takes off his suit?’ Viv and Sarah exchange confused glances.
‘Oh, come on,’ I say. ‘Seriously?’
They both shake their heads. I look to John and Mark, their husbands, who are wearing equally blank expressions.
‘He’s Stark naked! Tony Stark?’ I say, chuckling in response to a few groans. I remember Bridget running that one past me and I thought it was hilarious.
We find our table, and sure enough, the centre plaque reads ‘He’s Stark naked’. As we sit down we watch several bewildered guests wandering around in confusion.
‘Are you struggling?’ I say to an elderly gentleman hovering by our table.
‘Just a little.’
‘What’s your clue?’
‘RIP water.’ Puzzlement is etched into his brow. ‘It doesn’t even sound like a joke.’
I stifle a smirk. ‘You will be mist,’ I say, gesturing to the table to my right. I turn to the others. ‘I think this is more fun than the actual wedding.’
‘I’m just glad Bridget and Alex found one another, because they’re the only two people who get these jokes.’ Sarah takes the wine from the centre of the table and fills us up.
‘So, I’m allowed to drink now?’ I say sarcastically.
Sarah rolls her eyes. ‘I was just looking out for you.’
I’m about to retort when Viv’s husband, John, interrupts me.
‘So, Sam, no handsome prince on the horizon yet?’
‘Nope.’ I take a long sip of wine in place of a groan.
He tilts his head to the side. ‘You’ll meet someone soon.’ And there it is. I notice Viv giving him ‘a look’, which I’m grateful for. Maybe Bridget has had a word.
A loud gong interrupts the slightly awkward silence which ensues. ‘All rise, for the bride and groom.’
There’s a loud cheer and a round of applause as Bridget and Alex enter and take their seats at the top table. The happiness radiates from the pair of them and whilst I’m finding this whole day a little difficult, the smiles they wear are infectious. Not all romances are doomed and the love they have for one another is real, it only takes a quick glance in their direction to see that. They look beautiful together and the solid block of ice in my chest starts to thaw with the warmth that breaks through from just looking at them. I genuinely wish them a long lifetime of happiness.
Chapter 3
Pick up, pick up, pick up. I can’t contain my excitement and Bridget, who always answers her phone on the first ring, is taking an age to answer today.
‘Sam, hi.’ She sounds breathless when she does pick up.
‘Sorry, I haven’t interrupted anything, have I?’ It’s early evening and her honeymoon was weeks ago so I hope not, but they are still technically newlyweds (eurgh).
‘No, not at all. Just had to run downstairs to get my phone. What’s up?’
‘I did it! I’ve finally been selected to go to Boston.’ I actually dance a little as I say the words.
‘Oh my god, Sam, that’s great. You’ve wanted this for so long!’ She squeals so loudly I have to hold the phone away from my ear.
‘I know! Finally, my boss has seen that I’m capable of bigger things.’ God, for the first few years I didn’t think I’d get any further than just making coffee and shredding crappy marketing campaigns. But then I got more responsibility, working on my own campaigns for local businesses which went down really well and that led to being part of a team, working on some national campaigns but after that, I got wedged in a giant rut, which I’ve been trying to claw my way out of for the past two years.
‘Oh, Sam, congratulations. I’m so happy for you. When do you go?’
‘A week on Sunday.’ My insides squeeze with excitement.
‘That’s too soon! We need to throw you a going away party.’
‘It’s only three months. It doesn’t warrant a leaving party.’
‘Drinks then?’
If I’m honest, drinks in my honour does sound good. Aside from my wedding, I’m not sure it’s ever happened before. ‘Okay, drinks. Does Saturday night work?’
***
On my way into the bar, my phone begins to vibrate in my bag. Thinking it’s one of the girls ringing to say they’re running late, I stand to the side of the door and take it out. The name on the screen knocks the wind out of my sails.
Mum mobile
I watch the screen, willing it to stop. The red and green circles seem to brighten; accept or reject? The name grows bigger on the screen and the vibration becomes more intense.
Then it stops. I exhale and slump against the wall. Why would she ring? I’d sent my dad a birthday card about a week ago and I mentioned the job in Boston. It could be about that. But why would she ring? I stuff my phone back in my bag and head inside.
‘Congratulations,’ Viv says as the waitress places four mojitos on the table of our booth. ‘You finally made the US team!’
Excited butterflies flutter in my stomach. ‘I know, I’m hoping to make a good impression so I’ll be on future projects. Three months in Boston each summer – yes please!’
After my third cocktail, I turn to my friends. ‘So, which one of you is going to look after Coco while I’m away?’ I say, feeling a little tipsy.
There are some animated glances around the room, and I swear I see tumbleweed roll past.
‘Oh, come on. She’s adorable.’
‘It’s not that, it’s the fact you’re leaving tomorrow and haven’t found somewhere for her yet,’ Viv says.
‘Oh, come on. You lot convinced me to get a cat, I knew one of you would mind her.’
‘She’s the Devil incarnate,’ Sarah says, to murmurs of agreement.