Mother Of Prevention

She reached out to grasp both my hands. “I know flying makes you nervous.”

“Particularly in winter,” I admitted. “Every time I see them deice the wings I start praying.”

Nancy nodded encouragement. “We’ll both pray that God will see you safely through.”

She left, and I shut the door and locked it. I thought about what she had just said. Flying did make me nervous, but I had always trusted in God to bring me safely home. Sometimes I had even enjoyed the takeoffs and landings. But I had lost faith in the power of prayer. My husband had started every day with prayer. Why had God looked the other way when Neil was trapped in that burning building? God owed me some answers.

I wandered into the kitchen and got out the cookbook, looking for my chocolate chip recipe. The weather was unseasonably warm for October. Sailor had been playing out in the backyard all afternoon, but now he scratched at the back door. I let him in and turned my attention to assembling cookie ingredients. It took only a few minutes to mix the dough, and, like the girls, I was looking forward to freshly baked cookies. Maybe I’d put together some ice-cream sandwiches using warm cookies. It sounded good, and for a brief moment I thought perhaps I was regaining my appetite.

Sailor was acting weird tonight, hovering around my feet until I almost tripped over him. “Kelli,” I called. “Come get this dog! He’s in the way.”

My youngest daughter wandered into the kitchen, pouting. “Poor Sailor. Nobody loves him except me.”

“Yeah, right,” I muttered. “Look, I have to light this oven. I don’t need any distractions, okay?” The temperamental thing could blow sky-high. Well, not literally. Last month Neil had called a serviceman to look at the gas monstrosity and he’d pronounced the relic safe. Just old and cranky.

Kelli scooped the dog up in her arms. “All right. Come on, Sailor. We’ll watch from here.”

“I should sell tickets?” I wiggled my eyebrows at her, in a pitiful imitation of Groucho Marx. My daughter, of course, had never seen the great Groucho, so she simply stared at me as if I had lost my mind.

“All right, I’ll provide the evening entertainment, but stand back out of the way.”

“Don’t worry,” Kelli said. “I’ll be ready to run if the stove blows up.”

“Oh, yeah? You expect that to happen?”

Her expression was way too serious. “You always say it’s going to.”

That stopped me in my tracks. Had I infected my children with my fear of this stove? I tried to laugh. “Don’t worry. There’s no danger of the stove blowing up. I was only joking.” Wasn’t I?

I hunted for the long fireplace matches someone had given us. They had always seemed a strange gift, since we don’t have a fireplace. Never had. I found the matches in the top cabinet lurking behind a jar of molasses, bought earlier to make gingerbread houses, which had gone unmade.

Lighting this monstrosity was actually a two-man job, but tonight I’d have to do it on my own. Our house was old and so were our appliances. The stove must have come over on the ark. I paused a foolish moment to wonder if there was a second one out there somewhere making some other woman’s life miserable. Or if this was something else that didn’t come in pairs?

I knelt in front of the stove and turned on the gas and was rewarded with a furious hiss. Satisfied it was working, I scraped the match across the flint. Nothing. Another match, no spark.

We’d had these matches for ages. They were probably too old to ignite. I fished out another one, forgetting I had left the gas on while I played with matches. This one flamed almost immediately, and I breathed a sigh of relief and extended it toward the oven, neglecting to turn my face to the side the way I usually did.

For a long moment I hung in limbo. Then, voom! The mother of all explosions shot a sheet of fire in my direction.

Blue flames rose like a Yellowstone geyser.

I reached out a trembling hand to adjust the controls, and the monster stopped roaring and started purring. Sighing, I shakily got to my feet. My face felt as hot as a roasted marshmallow. I promised myself to replace this stove as soon as possible. Now that I was down to one paycheck per week, and not wanting to tap into our emergency fund, it didn’t look as if “possible” would be coming around anytime soon.

“Wow!” Kelli said. “That was awesome.”

“Wasn’t it?” I agreed. “Better than Fourth of July fireworks.”

She frowned. “Are you all right, Mom?”

“Sure. I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You look sort of funny.”

Well, that was a given. I’d come within an inch of being roasted. Yeah, I probably looked goggle-eyed from the shock. I felt a tremor of pride. I’d lit that stove, and when it spit flames at me, I hadn’t even screamed. I was maturing.

“I’m okay. Right now I’m going to bake chocolate chip cookies, and when I’m through we’ll make ice-cream sandwiches. How does that sound?”

“Awesome!” She ran from the room, shouting at Kris. “Mom’s lit the stove and it didn’t blow up!”

I grinned. Kelli was a wordsmith. She collected words and phrases the way other kids collected favorite toys. Awesome was her latest.

The day, which had been sunny, was suddenly overcast. I stepped to the back door and cast an anxious glance at the sky. It was too hot for this time of year.

After watching the racing clouds for a few moments I went back inside and turned on the kitchen television. Worry was setting in. Almost immediately a weather crawl appeared across the bottom of the screen. “A tornado warning is in effect for Oklahoma City from four o’clock central mountain time until 5:30 p.m. Stay tuned to this station for updates.”

Tornado. And a warning, not a watch. More serious. Tornado alley again. We’d been hit before and I was familiar with the devastation left behind by the killer funnel clouds. So far we’d been lucky, but if Lady Luck had ever lived in this house, she had moved out.

Kris came into the kitchen. “There’s a tornado warning out. I thought we were through with storms.”

“I know. I just caught it on the TV.” I dropped spoonfuls of cookie dough onto the baking sheet. “You keep a close eye on the set for further warnings.”

She paled. “Will it hit us?”

“I hope not.” I slid the cookies into the oven.

She stared at me. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Why?” I kept an ear tuned to the weather report. Well, maybe both ears, because I didn’t hear what she said. She looked worried, but then both girls had worn that strained, anxious expression frequently around me. We were going to have a long talk, as soon as I could get my thoughts straight. It was important to know what you were talking about before you started talking, and right now my thoughts were still tied in a knot and I couldn’t find the right string to pull.

“All residents in…are urged to take cover immediately.”

I dropped the spoon. It hit against the glass bowl with a clang. “Where? I didn’t catch that.”

“Us!” Kris cried. “That’s us!”

The telephone rang and I snatched up the receiver. My next-door neighbor Ron was on the phone. “Kate? I don’t want to alarm you, but I think you and the girls should come over here. Sally and I are going to the basement.”

“We’ll be right there.” I slammed the receiver down and yelled for Kelli. “Come on! We’re going next door.”

Kelli ran into the kitchen, clutching Sailor. I shoved both girls out the door. “Run.” The stove. I whirled and shut off the oven, opened the door and jerked out the pan of half-baked cookies.

The clouds had turned a dirty yellow color. I stood transfixed, watching them boil overhead. A sudden gust of wind whirled debris past me. Trees bent low. I froze, unable to move.

“Kate!” Ron yelled from the door of his house. “Come on. Hurry.”

I ran toward him like a scared rabbit scurrying toward the safety of a brush pile. He pushed me toward the basement steps. “Sally and the kids are already down there.”

I had started down the steps when he suddenly pulled me back. “What’s that you’re carrying?”

I looked down and discovered I still held the pan of half-baked cookies. My jaw dropped. I remembered taking them out of the oven, but evidently I had forgotten to put them down.

Ron laughed. “Give them to me and get downstairs.”

I shot one more glance toward the sky and saw a dark finger of cloud extending toward the ground. As I watched, it rose again. Tornado. Dear God, help us. It really was a tornado. I stumbled toward the stairs, aware Ron was right behind me carrying the cookies.

Sally and the kids were huddled in a corner of the basement away from the windows. Vicki, the Fowlers’ oldest daughter, had her arms around Kelli and Kris. Mark and Tommy, age thirteen and fifteen, were sitting next to Sally. Mark had brought his ghetto blaster and had it tuned to a rock station. If we didn’t already have hearing problems we would be permanently deaf from the volume by the time we got the all clear.

If we got an all clear.

If the tornado hit us we might all wake up in heaven.

Where Neil was waiting for us.

The thought stunned me. As badly as I wanted to see him, I didn’t want to die right now. The girls were young. I wanted to see them grow up and get married. I wanted to be a grandmother. The longing caught me by surprise. For weeks I had been mentally moaning that I was ready to die. Apparently that wasn’t true.

Kelli clutched Sailor so tightly he whuffled in protest. Tootsie Roll, the Fowlers’ yappy little Pekingese, kept running around us in circles, evidently thinking this was some sort of game. Between the dog and the rock music I was about to resort to some very undignified behavior, like yelling “shut up” to the dog and heaving the ghetto blaster to the far side of the basement. Not very wise behavior if I wanted to be invited back.

Since I didn’t have anywhere else to go in a tornado warning, I decided to keep my options open.

Ron shouted at Mark to turn off the music so he could catch the weather report. Tommy had picked up a guitar that was lying around, and plucked aimlessly at the strings. If he had a melody hidden in there somewhere I couldn’t find it. The kid had been taking lessons for several months. As far as I could tell, he needed a few more.

Ron managed to get a few words of the weather report before Mark turned the radio back to his music. The volume was loud enough to mask the roar of the wind outside, which was one blessing. Ron reached over and turned off the radio and motioned for Tommy to put down the guitar. The boys complied, albeit reluctantly, and their father reached out to grasp their hands. “Let’s pray.”

I stiffened, eyes wide. Did he think we were in imminent danger? He caught my eye and shook his head. “I don’t know if the tornado is coming our way or not, but if it doesn’t hit us it will hit others in its path.”

I felt tears sting my eyelids. Neil would have said something like that. He had been concerned about others. I realized I’d been concentrating on myself and my children. Me and mine. My husband’s death had reduced me to a cold, unfeeling half Christian. I felt chastened as I bowed my head and listened while Ron prayed for our safety and for the safety of those around us. A peace came over me. Not that I knew what was going on outside those basement walls, but because Ron Fowler was a good man; somehow I felt God would hear and answer his prayers. I had even whispered a short prayer of my own. I didn’t have confidence in any prayer of mine, but somehow I felt better.

Mark switched on his music again and Ron shook his head and turned the channel to a weather broadcast. The announcer’s voice came over the air and I thought I had never heard better news.

“It looks like the tornado system has passed for now, but high winds have caused considerable destruction and a twister did touch down on the north side of the city. No information on damage right now. However, it seems to be all clear for the time being. Stay tuned for further developments.”

Ron got to his feet. “Well, looks like the excitement’s over for now.”

Kelli had climbed into my lap, still clutching Sailor. She lifted a tearstained face to mine. “The tornado went away? We’re not going to die?”

I hugged her. “Yes, darling. The tornado went away. We can go home now.”

We sorted ourselves out and climbed the stairs. I noticed the boys staring at me with bemused expressions when we trooped through Sally’s kitchen. Ron appeared to avoid looking at me at all. I started to feel self-conscious. Was my face dirty, or what? Sally took one good look at me and burst into laughter. “What happened to your eyebrows?”

“What do you mean, what happened?” No one had said a word, and I hadn’t done anything to my eyebrows. She took my shoulders and turned me to the mirror. I stared back at my reflection in horror. My eyebrows and eyelashes were gone!

Kris was standing at my elbow. “I tried to tell you, but you didn’t listen.”

The stove. That rotten stove. When it exploded into flame it must have singed my eyebrows. No wonder I had felt like a marshmallow held too close to the flames. And I had to teach a class in Arizona tomorrow looking like this. I burst into tears.

Sally put her arms around me. “Don’t cry, Kate. They’ll grow back. Just be glad you weren’t hurt.”

Of course I was glad I hadn’t been burned, but I didn’t want to hear my eyebrows would grow back. I wanted them now. The idea startled me. That had been my theme ever since Neil died. Me, I, mine. I wanted my life put back together and I wanted it now. For the first time I realized it wasn’t going to be that way. What I wanted had little to do with reality. Life happened. Like it or not.

And I didn’t like it one bit.

“You look funny, Mommy.” Kelli giggled. I turned and took another look at myself. As a matter of fact, I did look funny. A chuckle started somewhere inside me and I didn’t even try to hold back.

When I laughed it was as if the tension in the room shattered into tiny pieces. Part of it was relief because we had escaped the tornado, but it was such a blessing to laugh. To hear my children laugh, to see Ron laugh until the tears ran down his cheeks. I mopped my eyes feeling as if maybe, oh please God, the healing process was starting.

Sally spotted the pan of cookies. “What’s this?”

“Well, they started out to be cookies, but they didn’t get done,” I said.

“Why are they over here?” she asked, peering at the blobs as flat as pancakes.

I snorted again. “I took them out of the oven when Ron yelled for us to come and I forgot to put them down.”

Sally shook her head and laughed. “Tell you what, I’ll make a pot of coffee and we’ll eat the cookies. Deal?”

“Sounds like a first-class deal to me,” I agreed.

While they weren’t as well-done as I would have liked them, the chewy little blobs tasted a lot better than I had expected. We sat around the Fowler kitchen table eating and drinking coffee while Vicki styled Kris’s hair and Kelli played with Sailor and Tootsie Roll. By the time we were ready to go home I felt as if I had reached my first turning point.

I was slowly working my way out of the fog that had filled my waking moments. We were surviving. That was enough for now.

The girls and I walked home beneath a clearing sky. The first stars were just starting to peek through the clouds, and the air was freshly washed. The yard was full of windblown trash, and broken limbs were tossed everywhere like matchsticks. We’d had some strong winds, but thankfully nothing worse.

The phone rang as I entered the kitchen. I answered to find Pastor Joe Crockett on the line. “Kate, are you and the girls all right?”

“We’re fine, Pastor. We were next door with the Fowlers in their basement. What about you?”

“Missed us, but I’m sure you’ve heard about the damage to the north.”

We talked about the storm for a few minutes, and then he said, “Kate, I’m worried about you. I want you to know you can talk to me anytime you feel the need.”

“I know that, Joe, and it helps a lot. Really it does.”

When I hung up the phone I realized something had happened to me tonight. I had come through a few more minicrises without falling apart. In my own way I was learning to cope. I had read the books on grieving that kind friends and thoughtful neighbors had dropped off; I believed that I had now passed the shock and disbelief stage.

I was lucky to have good friends and a pastor who cared. I was facing a future without Neil whether I liked it or not, and the kind of life I gave my children depended on how well I could handle that future.

I thought I had it all figured out. Little did I know my worst days still lay ahead of me.

Chapter 5

I left La Chic early Wednesday afternoon. On my station calendar, penciled in bold red and circled, was my annual physical appointment. This year I’d have blown it off, only I was in my responsible mode now; I was obligated to take care of myself. Plus, my right ear had been giving me fits on takeoffs and landings. Sometimes the pressure was so bad I was doubled over.

For me, seeing a doctor was like pulling teeth. I had a white-coat phobia—my blood pressure, heart rate and anxiety level all shot through the roof when a doctor or nurse approached. Dad had feared doctors and he’d passed the phobia along to me. Same with storms—every time a dark cloud came on the horizon he’d pace the floor and warn Mother that they’d better get me to shelter. I’d spent half my youth crouching in a dank cellar, praying the storm wouldn’t touch us. I knew God promised safe passage to those who loved Him, and in those years I wasn’t aware of any gales other than nature’s fury. I’d taken God’s promise literally. Safe passage to me meant safe passage—it didn’t have any hidden meanings like “You might not make it through the storm, but you’re promised ‘safe passage’ into heaven.” I was starting to see that life’s fury was every bit as lethal as Mother Nature’s temperamental displays.

A little before five, a nurse showed me to a small cubicle lab, comically labeled the Vampire’s Den. The sign served its purpose and I smiled in spite of my apprehension. Three vials later, I was handed a brown bottle and pointed to the bathroom down the long hallway.

Later I settled on a hard examining table covered in white paper and waited, my eyes roaming the built-in desk with boxes of rubber gloves, lubricant, ear swabs and wooden tongue depressors. Some sort of tool lay in plain sight. Torturous, no doubt.

An hour later, or at least it seemed that long, the doctor breezed in, reading my chart. “Kate. How are you coping?”

“Hi, Dr. Bates.” I hadn’t been in his office since last year’s physical, but he’d been kind enough to make a house call and prescribe medication when Neil died.

He paused, peering at me over the rims of his glasses. “How are you doing, girl?”

Tears smarted in my eyes. When anyone got that tone of voice—the I’m-so-sorry-about-Neil tone—I still lost it. I knew people meant well, but they couldn’t help, so the tone was always there, plunging me back to my black pit.

“Not so good, Dr. Bates, but friends say it will take time.”

He patted my shoulder and lifted the foot extension, snapping it into place. “I lost my wife a couple years ago.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, my mind now on what the nurse was doing. This whole process gave me the jitters.

He paused, squeezing my hand with calm reassurance. Dr. Harry Bates had given me my first high school physical, so I should feel comfortable in his presence, but I was jumpy as a pea on a drum.

“People lie,” he said. “You never get over losing half of you, Kate. Not entirely, but you manage to go on.”

I closed my eyes. “What if I don’t want to go on?”

“Well.” He went about his business and I tried to think of my “happy place.” Sunning on the beach, with plovers and turnstones soaring overhead, rolling surf—ouch!

The mystery tool.

“Trust me,” the doctor said. “Given time, the pain will ease and some morning you’ll wake up and decide life’s a pretty good deal after all.”

“If you say so,” I said. “I’m pretty sure I’m still in the tearful stage—but making progress.”

Later I sat in his plush leather office chair and waited for results. Demons swarmed my mind. Had he found something? Would he walk through that door with a sober expression and regretfully break the news that I had only scant weeks to live? I shuddered, clasping my arms around my middle. There had been an odd pain recently—near the upper rib cage. What organ would that involve? Did they have treatment for my particular case? No. They wouldn’t if I had scant weeks to live.

Scant. How many weeks were in “scant,” anyway?

I had broken out into a cold sweat when Dr. Bates sailed into his office and sat down behind his desk.

“First the good news—you’re healthy as a horse.”

I felt faint with relief, although the comparison wasn’t exactly flattering.

“You’re a little anemic, but nothing unusual for a woman your age. And you could use a few extra pounds. So eat up.” He scribbled on a pad, then tore off the sheet and handed it to me. “Get this filled and take one a day. With food.”

I scanned the prescription. “Okay.”

The doctor settled back in his chair, his dark eyes studying me. “Now for the bad news.”

I glanced up, heart racing. He’d said I was healthy as a horse. I knew it—healthy as a horse can be in my condition.

“Your right eardrum has a small tear, minute but worrisome. You fly almost every week, if I recall.”

I nodded. “Twice a week. I teach classes out of state.”

He shook his head and steepled his forefingers, resting his mouth against them for a prop. “Sorry, Kate, but I’m going to have to ground you. That tear will heal if we’re careful. If not, I’ll want to watch it over a period of time before we consider surgery. You’ll be running the risk of hearing loss in that particular ear if we don’t take care of the problem once and for all. Didn’t we talk about this last year?” He glanced at my chart. “You were complaining of pressure, and you had a sinus infection and drainage.”

I nodded. He’d touched on the subject, but at the time the eardrum wasn’t perforated.

“I have considerable discomfort on takeoffs and landings. Even with the antibiotic and allergy medicine you prescribed last year, the pain is intense.”

“Then you’ve got to stay out of planes for a while.”

“But my job…” Did I have to remind him I was sole breadwinner now, and my job necessitated flying?

He shook his head, his expression stern. “That right ear is in jeopardy. You’re grounded—at least until the problem is corrected. Talk to your superiors. I’m sure something can be worked out.”

I left the sprawling medical complex in a daze. If I couldn’t travel, I couldn’t teach. If I couldn’t teach, La Chic would have to replace me. And who knew for how long or if I’d ever get the position back? Dr. Bates had said the tear might not heal even if I were careful. Surgery loomed like an approaching cold front.

I took a chance that Maria, my superior, would still be in her office. When I pulled into the salon, I saw her white Lexus parked in back. I used the employees’ entrance.

Maria glanced up when I tapped on her door. The French-born, attractive brunette always seemed rushed, so I stated my case as quickly as possible.

She folded her hands on the desk and stared at me, noncommittal for a moment. I could see my career—and paycheck—flying out the window.

“For how long, chérie?”

“The doctor doesn’t know—there’s no way to know. Maybe as long as a year.”

“A year.” She gave a French-sounding tssk. The row of silver arm bracelets tinkled melodiously when she reached up and touched her cheek. “One year. Disturbing.”

“Maybe sooner,” I offered. I adored my job, and I didn’t want to lose any part of it, though the idea of not flying made me almost giddy. No more angst-filled flights, crowded airports and overbooked airlines. No more cold and impersonal hotel rooms, lugging baggage, cabs in unfamiliar cities. I hadn’t realized it before, but now I was stunningly aware I didn’t really want to fly anymore. In fact, I didn’t care if I never saw another plane.