The Lost Wife

A muscle flexed in the plane of his cheek, just to the side of his scar. ‘I’m only human, and my basic human needs are no different to anyone else’s.’

It took Ailsa a couple of seconds to find her voice after that incendiary comment, because she was busy fielding the giant wave of hurt that washed over her at the idea of Jake having his sexual needs met by another woman … maybe even more than one woman. They’d been divorced for four years now, after all, and it was hardly the first time the thought had crossed her mind. Most times she quickly pushed it away. But she intimately knew her husband’s needs in that department.

‘What about my needs?’ she asked, struggling to keep her voice level. ‘Do I have the same freedom there as you do, Jake? Or don’t you think I have such needs any more, since the accident rendered me unable to bear children? Perhaps you think it’s made me less of a woman?’

The day MAGGIE COX saw the film version of Wuthering Heights, with a beautiful Merle Oberon and a very handsome Laurence Olivier, was the day she became hooked on romance. From that day onwards she spent a lot of time dreaming up her own romances, secretly hoping that one day she might become published and get paid for doing what she loved most! Now that her dream is being realised, she wakes up every morning and counts her blessings. She is married to a gorgeous man, and is the mother of two wonderful sons. Her two other great passions in life—besides her family and reading/writing—are music and films.

Recent titles by the same author:

SURRENDER TO HER SPANISH HUSBAND

SECRETARY BY DAY, MISTRESS BY NIGHT

BRAZILIAN BOSS, VIRGIN HOUSEKEEPER

The Lost Wife

Maggie Cox

www.millsandboon.co.uk

CHAPTER ONE

SHE ran to the window when she heard the muffled engine sound of the car coming up the drive. When it pulled up in front of the cottage, the smart silver-grey SUV that belonged to her ex-husband looked like a snowmobile, blanketed in several layers of thick white frosting. And still the crystalline flakes fell relentlessly from the sky, as if poured through some divine sieve.

The snowy display hadn’t let up all day. Ailsa would have succumbed to the magic of it if she hadn’t been so concerned about Jake returning their daughter safely home. Living in an English country idyll had lots to commend it, but when severe winter weather kicked in the hilly narrow roads could be utterly treacherous. She stood waiting with the front door open as the driver of the vehicle stepped out and walked across the snow-laden path towards her.

It wasn’t Alain—the slim, smart-suited chauffeur she’d been expecting. Usually it was Jake’s French driver that brought Saskia home from her fortnightly trips to London to visit her father, or from the airport when Jake was working in Copenhagen and she stayed with him there. When Ailsa saw the once familiar diamond-chipped blue eyes staring back at her through the relentlessly falling snow, her heart stalled.

‘Hi,’ he said.

She hadn’t seen her ex-husband face to face in a long time … not since his chauffeur had become a reliable go-between. The impact of confronting those carved, unforgettable features hadn’t lessened one iota, she discovered. He’d always had the kind of effortlessly handsome looks that guaranteed major female interest wherever he went. Even with the cruel scar that ran down his cheekbone. In truth, it made his already compelling visage utterly and disturbingly memorable—and not just because his beautiful face carried such a vivid wound. But the sight of that wound now made Ailsa’s heart pound and her stomach clench with remembered sorrow at how it had occurred.

For a long moment she got lost in the dark cavern of memory, then realised that Jake was staring at her, waiting for her greeting. ‘Hello … it’s been a long time, Jake.’

Even as she spoke, she was thinking he should have warned her that there’d been a change of plan.

Her insides jolted. ‘Where’s Saskia?’

‘I’ve been trying to ring you all day but there’s been no damn signal! Why in God’s name you would choose to live out here in the middle of nowhere is beyond me.’

Ignoring the irritation in his voice, which bisected her heart with knives, Ailsa pushed back her hair and crossed her arms over her thick Arran sweater. Just standing on the doorstep inside the peg-tiled porch, she was already freezing from the blast of icy air that had hit her when she’d opened the door.

‘Has something happened? Why isn’t Saskia with you?’ Peering over his shoulder at the snow-covered vehicle, she willed herself to see her daughter’s pretty heart-shaped face staring back at her through a window—any window so long as she was there. When she realised the car was empty the bones in her legs morphed into limp spaghetti.

‘That’s what I’ve been trying to call you about. She wanted to stay with her grandmother in Copenhagen for a while … she pleaded with me to let her stay until Christmas Eve. I agreed. Because she was worried that you might be upset about that I agreed to travel here myself and give you the news. I’d heard the weather was bad but I had no idea it was as grim as this.’

His hand impatiently swept the snow from his champagne-blond hair, but the white flakes quickly settled again to render the gesture pointless. For a long moment Ailsa couldn’t summon the words to reply. Shock and disappointment rolled through her in a sickening hurtful wave as she thought of all the plans she’d made for the lead-up to Christmas Day with Saskia. The plans that now wouldn’t be materialising.

They’d been going to make a special trip to London for shopping, then stay at a nice hotel for the night so they could go to the theatre and out to dinner. Only yesterday the Norwegian pine she’d ordered had arrived, and was standing bare and alone in the living room just waiting for the shiny baubles that would transform it into a magical seasonal emblem. Mother and daughter were going to decorate it together, with carols playing joyfully in the background either on a CD or from the radio. It was inconceivable that her beloved child wouldn’t be home again until Christmas Eve.

In Ailsa’s mind the days leading up to that date would only serve to remind her of how lonely she could feel without the family she had once counted upon … Jake and Saskia … She’d barely got through the past week without Saskia as it was.

‘How could you do this to me? How? You and your mother have already had her staying with you for a week! You must know that I was counting on you bringing her back today.’

The broad shoulders beneath the stylish black overcoat now smothered in snow shrugged laconically. ‘Would you deny our daughter the chance to be with her grandmother when she’s so recently lost my father? Saskia lifts her spirits like no other human being can.’

Knowing her daughter’s warm, bubbly nature, Ailsa didn’t doubt her ex-husband’s words. But it didn’t make her absence any easier to bear. And underneath her frustration her heart constricted at the thought that Jake’s father was gone. The senior Jacob Larsen had been imposing, and even a little intimidating, but he had always treated her with the utmost respect. When Saskia had arrived in the world he hadn’t stinted on his praise, proclaiming his new granddaughter to be the most beautiful baby in the world.

How sad for his son that he was gone. Their relationship had had its challenges, but there was no doubt in her mind that Jake had loved his father.

The swirling snow that was rapidly turning into a blizzard added to her misery and distress. ‘I’m sorry you lost your dad … he was a good man. But I’ve already endured Saskia not being here for too long. Can’t you understand why I’d want her back with me when it’s so close to Christmas? I’d made plans …’

‘I’m sorry about that, but sometimes whether we like it or not plans are hostage to change. The fact is that our daughter is safe with my mother in Copenhagen and you don’t need to worry.’ Sucking in a breath, Jake blew it out again onto the frosted air. He thumbed towards the bank of snow-covered cedars edging the road at the end of the drive behind him. ‘There was a police roadblock on the way here, warning drivers not to go any further unless they absolutely had to. They only let me through because I told them you’d go crazy if I didn’t make it to the house to let you know about Saskia. I only just made it—even in the SUV. I’d be mad to try and make it back to the airport tonight in these conditions.’

As if waking from a dream, Ailsa realised he looked half frozen standing there. Another few minutes and those sculpted lips would surely turn blue. As difficult as the prospect of spending time with her estranged husband promised to be, what could she do but invite him in, make him a hot drink and agree to give him a bed for the night?

‘Well, you’d better come in, then.’

‘Thanks for making me feel so welcome,’ he answered sardonically as he stepped towards her.

His brittle reply cut her to the bone. Their divorce hadn’t exactly been acrimonious, but coming less than a year after they’d suffered the terrible car accident that had robbed them of their longed-for second child, it hadn’t been amicable either. Words had been flung … corrosive, bitter words that had eaten into their souls. But even now thinking of that horrendous time, of how their marriage had shockingly unraveled, was almost a blur to her because her senses had been so frozen by pain and sadness … like a delicate scallop sealed inside its shell after being relentlessly battered against the rocks.

Four long, hard years she’d lived without Jake. Saskia had been just five when they’d parted. Her daughter’s poignant question, ‘Why did Daddy leave, Mummy?’ replayed itself over and over again in her mind most nights, disturbing her sleep and haunting her dreams …

‘I didn’t mean to be rude.’ She grimaced apologetically. ‘I’m just a little upset, that’s all. Come in out of the cold and I’ll get you a drink.’

He passed her into the hallway and the familiar woody scent of his expensive cologne arrowed straight into Ailsa’s womb and made it contract. Inhaling a deep breath to steady herself, she hurriedly shut the door on the arctic weather outside.

The sixteenth-century beamed cottage that Jake had never been inside before was utterly charming, he mused as his senses soaked up the cosy ambience that greeted him. The lilac-painted walls of the narrow hallway were covered in a colourful array of delicate floral prints, intermingled with delightful framed photographs of Saskia as a baby, then a toddler, and a couple of more recent shots of her as a nine-year-old, already showing signs of the beauty she was becoming. And on the wall by the polished oak staircase the French long-case clock with its floral marquetry, its steady ticking peacefully punctuating the stillness … the stillness and peace that constantly seemed to elude him.

The snug little house felt so much more like a real home to Jake than the luxurious Westminster penthouse he rattled around in alone when he was in London, and even the smart townhouse he lived in when he was in Copenhagen. Only his mother’s white-painted turn-of-the-century house just outside the city, which backed onto magical woodland, could match Ailsa’s home for cosiness and charm.

When she had bought the cottage not long after they’d separated Jake had been seriously disgruntled by her refusal to let him purchase something far more spacious and grand for her and Saskia. I don’t want something grand,’ she’d replied, her amber-coloured eyes making her look as though she despaired of him ever understanding. ‘I want something that feels like home …’ The house in Primrose Hill that they’d bought when they’d married had no longer felt like home for either of them, Jake remembered, his heart heavy. Not when the love they’d once so passionately shared had been ripped away by a cruel and senseless accident …

‘Give me your coat.’

His icy fingers thawing in the warmth that enveloped him, Jake did as she asked. As he handed over the damp wool coat he couldn’t help letting his gaze linger on the golden light of her extraordinary eyes. He’d always been mesmerised by them, and it was no different now. She glanced away quickly, he noticed.

‘I’ll take off my shoes.’ He did just that, and left them by the door. He’d already noticed that Ailsa’s tiny feet were encased in black velvet slippers with a black and gold bow.

‘Let’s go into the front room. There’s a wood-burner in there. You’ll soon get warm.’

Fielding his turbulent emotions, Jake said nothing and followed her. His fingers itched to reach out and touch the long chestnut tresses that flowed down her slim back, he shoved his hand into his trouser pocket to stem the renegade urge.

The compact front room was a haven of warmth and comfort, with a substantial iron wood-burner at the centre throwing out its embracing heat, its funnel reaching high into the oak-beamed rafters of the roof. There were two red velvet couches laden with bright woollen throws and cushions, and the wooden pine floor was generously covered with a rich red and gold rug. Just one Victorian armchair was positioned by the fire. Two sets of pine shelves either side of the burner were packed with books, and in one corner—its roots embedded in a silver bucket—sat an abundant widespread Christmas tree waiting to be decorated. Jake’s insides lurched guiltily.

‘Sit down. I’ll make us a hot drink … that is unless you’d prefer a brandy?’

‘I don’t touch alcohol any more. Coffee will be fine … thanks.’ Now it was his turn to glance quickly away. But not before he’d glimpsed the slightly bewildered furrowing of Ailsa’s flawless brow.

‘Coffee it is, then.’ She left the room.

Lowering his tall, fit frame onto a couch, Jake breathed out at last. For a while he watched the increasingly heavy snow tumbling from the skies outside the window, then fell into a daydream about his daughter playing on that sumptuous red and gold rug with her dolls. She’d be chatting away non-stop to them, he mused, her vivid imagination taking her far away from this world—a world that until she was five had promised a safe and secure day-to-day existence as she grew up, a comforting life that had abruptly changed beyond all recognition when her mother and father had separated.

He didn’t realise Ailsa had returned until she stood in front of him, holding out a steaming mug of aromatic black coffee. Gratefully Jake took it. ‘Just what the doctor ordered.’ He tried for a smile but knew it was a poor effort.

‘How is your mother coping since she lost your dad?’

He watched his pretty ex-wife walk across the room in that graceful, mesmerising way she had that made her look as if she glided. She’d always had that balletic quality about her, and the blue denim jeans she was wearing highlighted her slender thighs and tiny waist—especially with the broad leather belt she wore around her sweater. As she sat down on the other couch he tried to curtail his irrational disappointment that she’d chosen not to sit beside him. Her slender ringless fingers wrapped themselves around a mug of tea. From memory, Jake knew it was rare that Ailsa drank coffee. But he didn’t dwell long on that. Inside he was reeling at the unexpected sight of the missing wedding band on her finger—another painful demonstration that their marriage had well and truly ended.

Clearing his throat, he garnered the defences that he’d fine-honed during the past four years without her. ‘Outwardly she seems to be coping well,’ he replied. ‘Inwardly is another matter.’ He could have been talking about himself …

‘Well, then, perhaps it’s a good thing that Saskia stays with her for a bit longer. It’s been, what …? Six months since your dad died?’

‘About that.’ Sipping the too-hot coffee, he grimaced as the beverage scalded his tongue. If it was Ailsa’s aim to hold out an olive branch by not making a fuss about their daughter staying with her grandmother and spoiling her plans for the lead-up to Christmas, then he didn’t intend to take it. He couldn’t seem to help resenting the fact that she was clearly getting on with her life quite well without him.

‘And how about you?’ she persisted, low-voiced, leaning slightly forward, amber gaze concerned.

‘What about me?’

‘How are you coping with the loss of your dad?’

‘I’m a busy man, with a worldwide property business to run … I don’t have time to dwell on anything other than my work and my daughter.’

‘You mean you don’t have time to mourn your father? That can’t be good.’

‘Sometimes we all have to be pragmatic.’ His spine stiffening, Jake put the ceramic mug down on a nearby side-table then flattened his palms over his knees. Ailsa had always wanted to get to the heart of things and it seemed that nothing had changed there. Except that he didn’t feel like spilling his guts to her about his feelings any more … been there, done that. He had the bruises on his heart to prove it.

‘I remember that you and he had your differences, and I just thought that his passing might be an opportunity for you to reflect on the good things about your relationship, that’s all.’

‘Like I said … I’ve been too busy. He’s gone, and it’s sad, but one of the things he taught me himself was to rise above my emotions and simply get on with whatever is in front of me. At the end of the day that’s helped me cope with the “slings and arrows” of life far more than wallowing in my pain. If you don’t agree with such a strategy then I’m sorry, but that’s how it is.’

He sensed his temper and his unreasonableness rising. Privately he had nothing but contempt for such a tack. Leaving his father’s death and his regret that they hadn’t found a way to communicate more healthily aside, he reminded himself that he wasn’t the only one in this one-time marriage who had been to the depths of hell and back. In the four years since their divorce Ailsa had grown noticeably thinner, and there were faint new lines around her sweetly shaped mouth. Perhaps she wasn’t getting on with her life that well? He yearned to know how she was really coping. Saskia had told him that her mother worked long hours at her arts and crafts business, even at the weekends. There was no need for her to work at all. The divorce settlement he’d made for her was substantial, and that was the way he wanted it.

Jake frowned. ‘Why are you working so hard?’ he demanded, before he’d realised he intended to ask.

‘What?’

‘Saskia told me that you work day and night at this arts and crafts thing.’

‘Arts and crafts thing?’ She was immediately offended. ‘I run a thriving local business that keeps me busy when I’m not doing the school run or tending to Saskia, and I love it. What did you expect me to do when we broke up, Jake? Sit around twiddling my thumbs? Or perhaps you expected me to spend my divorce settlement on a chic new wardrobe every season? Or the latest sports car? Or get interior designers in with pointless regularity to remodel the house?’

Wearily he rubbed his hand round his jaw. At the same time her words made him sit up straight. When he’d met her and married her he had never envisaged Ailsa as a businesswoman in the making. ‘It’s good to hear that your business is going well. And as regards the settlement, it’s entirely up to you what you do with the money. As long as you take proper care of Saskia when she’s with you—that’s all I care about. I’ve noticed that you look tired, as well as the fact you’ve clearly lost weight … that’s why I asked. I don’t want you wearing yourself out when you don’t have to.’

Her expression pained, Ailsa tightened her hands round her mug of tea. ‘I’m not wearing myself out. I look tired because sometimes I don’t sleep very well, that’s all. It’s a bit of a legacy from the accident, I’m afraid. But it’s okay … I try and catch up with some rest whenever I can—even if it’s during the day.’

If a heavyweight boxer had slammed his fist into his gut right then Jake couldn’t have been more winded. It took him a few moments to get the words teeming in his brain to travel to his mouth. ‘I told you years ago that you should get some help from the doctor to help you sleep better. Why haven’t you?’

As she shook her head, her long chestnut hair glanced against the sides of her face. ‘I’ve seen enough doctors to make me weary of ever seeing another one again. Besides … I don’t want to take sleeping pills and walk round like a zombie. And unless the medical profession has found an infallible method for eradicating hurtful memories—because it’s those that keep me awake at night—then I’ll just have to get on with it. Isn’t that what you advocate yourself?’

‘Dear God!’ Jake pushed to his feet. How was he supposed to endure the pain he heard in her voice? The pain he held himself responsible for?

Yes, they’d been hit by a drunk driver that dark, rainy night when their world had come to an end, but he still should have been able to do something to avert the accident. Sometimes at night, deep in the midst of troubled sleep, he still heard his wife’s heartrending moans of pain and shock in the car beside him … He’d promised in their marriage vows to love and protect her always and that cruel December night he hadn’t … He hadn’t. He just thanked God that Saskia had been staying with his parents at the time and hadn’t been in the car with them. It didn’t bear thinking about that his child might have been hurt as badly as her mother.

He must be a masochist, he reflected. Why had he come here to tell Ailsa himself that Saskia was prolonging her stay with his mother? He could so easily have got his chauffeur Alain to do the deed. Wasn’t that what he’d done for the past four years, so he wouldn’t have to come face to face with the woman he’d once loved beyond imagining? Wasn’t it a situation he’d willingly engineered so he wouldn’t have to discuss the deeper issues that had wrenched them apart perhaps even more than the accident?

Sighing, he tunnelled his fingers through his hair. He was only staying the night while he was snowbound. As soon as the roads were passable again he would drive to the airport and return to Copenhagen. After spending a precious day or two with his daughter and mother he would get back to the palatial head offices of Larsen and Son, international property developers, and resume his work.

‘I’ve got an overnight bag in the car. I brought it just in case. I’ll go and bring it in.’ When he reached the door he glanced back at the slim, silent woman sitting on the couch and shrugged his shoulders. ‘Don’t worry … I promise not to outstay my welcome. As soon as the roads are cleared I’ll be on my way.’ Not waiting to hear her reply, Jake stepped out into the hallway.

As hard as she bit down on her lip, Ailsa couldn’t prevent her eyes from filling up with tears. ‘Why?’ she muttered forlornly. ‘Why come here now and shake everything up again? I’m doing all right without you … I am!’

Frustrated by the unremitting sorrow that rose inside her whenever Jake or the accident were mentioned, let alone having him near, she stoically put aside any further thoughts on the matter and instead made her way up to the spare bedroom to put clean sheets on the bed for her ex-husband’s unexpected overnight stay.

On the way there she pushed open her daughter’s bedroom door and glanced in. The pretty pink walls were covered in posters, from the latest Barbie doll to instantly recognisable children’s programme characters. But amongst them were two large posters of the latest male teen movie idol, and Ailsa shook her head in wonder and near disbelief that her daughter was growing up so fast … too fast, in her book. Would it be easier if Saskia had both her parents taking care of her together instead of separately?