The Playful Parent: 7 ways to happier, calmer, more creative days with your under-fives

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Introduction

What should a four-year-old know?

The power of play

Why 7 Ways to Play?

How to use this book

A quick guide to baby and preschool play

Ready steady play

Chores: not Bores

10-Second Set-ups

Invitations to Play

Invitations to Create

Make and Take

Stay and Play

Sanity Savers

And finally . . .

A play planner for your family favourites

Useful websites and further reading

List of Searchable Terms

Copyright

About the Publisher

Introduction

What should a four-year-old know?

‘I was on a parenting bulletin board recently and read a post by a mother who was worried that her four-and-a-half-year-old did not know enough. “What should a four-year-old know?” she asked. Most of the answers left me not only saddened but pretty soundly annoyed. One mom posted a laundry list of all of the things her son knew. Counting to 100, planets, how to write his first and last name, and on and on. Others chimed in with how much more their children already knew, some who were only three. A few posted URLs to lists of what each age should know. The fewest yet said that each child develops at his own pace and not to worry.’

Written by a preschool teacher in the US

As both a parent and also an Early Years educator myself, I think I would have felt pretty annoyed by those mums’ postings. Maybe you have a toddler or a preschooler, perhaps your child or children are older now, or maybe you’re about to be spending some time with a young child, but whatever your situation, think of that child at four years old. What do you think they should know?

Here in the UK, the question ‘What should a four-year-old know?’ is being answered on a slightly larger scale than on a parenting bulletin board, as the current Government and its advisors are suggesting reforms to our education system that will focus on getting four-year-olds ‘school ready’. That means a bigger emphasis on them knowing basic reading, writing and arithmetic before they even start in Reception. There’s even talk of a new baseline test for five-year-olds in England – adding a competitive twist to the whole thing; just as the mums were doing on that preschool bulletin board. So, reading, writing and arithmetic – that’s what the Department for Education think our four-year-olds should know.

Many Early Years experts, teachers, nursery staff and parents – myself included – are fighting back with a counter opinion. What we think four-year-olds really need to know is that they each have a brilliant talent; one that will absolutely get them ‘school-ready’, but not by achieving certain levels in the 3Rs. Instead, this talent will help them gain the skills they really need to start school. These include social and emotional skills to get along with others, curiosity about the world, practical skills, the ability to listen and understand instructions from grown ups, independence with personal care and the ability to spend time happily engaged with objects or in an activity without their parents.

And the talent? Well, it was my daughter, aged six, who put it very clearly. ‘Mummy,’ she told me, ‘you know, all children have a talent.’ When I asked her what that talent was, she replied – very matter of fact – ‘All children can play. That’s their talent.’

And I believe that’s what a four-year-old should know; that they can play.

In her response to those parents on that bulletin board, the US preschool teacher also recognised the talent of a four-year-old. She knew it had little to do with reading, writing and arithmetic levels and all to do with their brilliant skills at play. Here are a couple of things she felt a four-year-old should know:

‘He should know his own interests and be encouraged to follow them. If he could care less about learning his numbers, his parents should realize he’ll learn them accidentally soon enough and let him immerse himself instead in rocket ships, drawing dinosaurs or playing in the mud.

‘She should know that the world is magical and that so is she. She should know that she’s wonderful, brilliant, creative, compassionate and marvellous. She should know that it’s just as worthy to spend the day outside making daisy chains, mud pies and fairy houses as it is to practise phonics. Scratch that – way more worthy.’

This happy talent of children – play – can actually be seen from birth. When they’re not sleeping or feeling sleepy, feeding or feeling too hungry, or feeling colicky or uncomfortable because they need a nappy change, babies are instinctively and naturally playing. Play is the language of infancy, toddlerhood and the preschool years. So, if you want to properly understand your under-five and help them to know what any child of their age should really know, you’d better learn the language of play. And this book is where to do just that.

The power of play

As a teacher and creative play specialist with over twenty years’ experience working with children and their families in a variety of educational settings, I am evangelical about the power of play to promote learning. I have seen little ones simply thrive physically and mentally when their days, weeks and months are, above all else, playful.

Over the years I’ve worked with thousands of children in a huge variety of locations – from classrooms, gardens, woodland, parkland and playgrounds to museums, art studios, venue foyers, libraries, kitchens and even school dining halls. Whether I’m producing materials and ideas for families to use together in a gallery or at home, or I’m leading a session for a group in a herb garden, my raison d’etre is to provide young children with an enabling environment – somewhere Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS) guidelines describe as a place where they feel safe, comfortable and ‘at home’; where they can investigate, explore and learn in a way that is best for them. And that is always through play.

As an Early Years practitioner, these EYFS areas of learning and development guidelines inform all the sessions I plan, all the materials I produce – and because over many years I have experienced how young children learn best, I always deliver Learning and Development objectives with playful teaching methods and through playful activities.

For example, if I’m thinking about how to include the teaching of Communication and Language in my sessions, I’ll plan for plenty of playful opportunities for families to talk and sing together, where a little one can talk with their grown up, learn new words, experience non-verbal communication and listen to rhymes, songs and stories. When considering Physical Development I try to include opportunities for the children to playfully practise their fine motor skills and gross motor skills doing practical activities. I teach Personal, Social and Emotional skills during my sessions too, and offer plenty of opportunities to develop skills like sharing, taking turns, listening to others and recognising others’ feelings while playing. I also make sure I develop slightly more formal EYFS Specific Areas of Learning – things like Numeracy, Literacy, Expressive Arts and Design and Understanding the World – which can all be promoted through play.

Throughout my professional work, wherever I’m teaching, play is central to my planning and practice. This way, I know that the children in my care are happily and naturally learning, gaining all those essential skills that will make them really ready for school when the time comes.

By now, you might be thinking – hang on a minute, all this play sounds well and good for a teacher doing their job, but how exactly does this fit in with parenting? Family life is just too busy for all that play-planning and all those ‘Areas of Learning and Development’. I know, I know. This was my thinking too. When I became a parent of two young children – only seventeen months apart – and then went back to work, albeit part-time, I also wondered how on earth I could integrate all this great and important play, in which I strongly believed and promoted professionally, into our everyday family life. I remember thinking that, sometimes, it would just be easiest to hand over my phone to my toddler when on a journey to the supermarket, for example. And what about the TV? How handy was that for keeping them still and quiet while I dashed off those vital emails, or loaded the washing machine?

It was then that I decided to change the conversation just as Don Draper from Mad Men would say. Instead of trying to fit all this play into our busy life, I decided to flip it on its head and instead try to see our busy life as a series of opportunities for play. Play was so important to me professionally, I just knew I could make it work personally. In fact, using this approach transformed my experience of parenting two young children into a more joyful, fulfilling and memorable experience than I ever could have imagined.

Using play didn’t mean that I suddenly became the in-house entertainer, and it didn’t mean I played with my children all day long. No, I just wanted to get my children involved and learning, thinking and growing, helping and cooperating as a matter of course throughout our normal busy day – and I realised that I could do this all under a kind of banner of play.

So, for example, loading the washing machine became a playful activity that my toddler just loved. Sometimes, he would help with a fun socks-sorting game and sometimes we’d sing a silly washing machine song as we worked. (There will be much more singing in this book, so be prepared.) And if I needed to make a phone call or try to get his baby sister to sleep, for example, instead of putting on the TV, I might surprise him with a little tote bag containing a few unexpected things – just some small toys he’d forgotten about. As I experimented with more and more ways to weave play into our everyday life I began to realise that some of these ideas actually freed me up a fair bit, because once I’d set them off with something irresistible to play with, my children would often find their flow and they became really rather good at playing independently. Some of the ideas actually saved my sanity – like when I arranged their clothes into silly positions on the floor in the mornings. When they were laid out like that, there was never again an argument about what to wear, and when to get dressed. I was so pleased because those arguments had been proper two-year-old ones, with rage and tears and stamping – you know the kind . . . Now they just laughed, said ‘silly Mummy’, and got dressed.

Parenting with play really paid off for me. I realised how much easier it was to motivate my children, and get good behaviour from them, when I applied playful positivity to the situation, rather than by trying to be all authoritative and go down the battle-of-wills route. My feisty and smart two-year-old got that I was being playful, of course, but because she, like all children, had this innate desire to play, she was more than happy to comply – to help tidy up, or clean her teeth or whatever – because it was all done in a fun and gentle, playful and mutually respectful way.

So this was me, beginning to find my feet as a parent, bringing my teaching experience to bear when I could, experimenting with different ways to make play shape our everyday. Some ways to play were time savers, some were sanity savers. Some were ideal for filling a bit of time, instead of putting on the TV, and some brought out top-notch creativity in my children or developed their independence. I discovered a sense of peace, purpose and fun in parenting despite hearing so many others with children of similar ages bemoaning the ‘terrible twos’, shouting at their kids, ignoring unwanted behaviour with a ‘boys will be boys’ comment or just going on and on about how hard it all was.

Yes, these are the messy years; yes, things get pretty hectic and, yes, sometimes there are tears and tantrums – but by identifying and implementing ways to parent with play I developed an approach to parenting that really worked for me. And it will work for you too.

Why 7 Ways to Play?

When I was asked to write about this approach to parenting I knew I had a fantastic opportunity to reveal the secret to a happier, calmer and more creative experience of parenting under-fives. And, of course, you’ve probably guessed that, put very simply, the secret is play; play in all its glorious forms.

When I started analysing how I integrated play and playfulness into my family’s life I realised that there were, in fact, just seven different ways.

The aim of this book is to explain and offer lots and lots of examples of these seven ways of parenting with play to help you adopt this peaceful and positive approach.

In summary, the 7 Ways to Play are as follows:

How to use this book

The Playful Parent is a guide to managing and enjoying your busy family life with play. It will help you identify, observe and initiate play, and enable you to integrate it into your everyday routine. It will help you feel more confident about encouraging a mix of activities from across the broad spectrum of play to fulfil your family’s particular needs in most situations, from a spare five minutes to the times when something playful can absolutely save the day. It’s a book to dip into again and again for details of practical and fun ideas to help you use play throughout your day, or to simply get some inspiration.

You’ll be fluent in the language of play in no time, and you’ll begin to really enjoy – not endure – those messy, marvellous and magical toddler and preschool years. It doesn’t matter if you feel you have forgotten how to play; babies, toddlers and children instinctively know how to do it. It doesn’t matter either if you think you haven’t a creative bone in your body – children are the most creative people on the planet. And it doesn’t matter if you feel you don’t have the time or the inclination to be the family entertainer – children are naturally great at entertaining themselves. All you have to do is give them opportunities to play along the way, every day – and these can be found in the many tried-and-tested ideas in this book.

Use the 7 Ways to Play to plan your day

Planning play is like planning meals; just as you aim to provide your child with a balanced diet of food, you might aim to offer a balanced diet of play too. So, in the same way that you wouldn’t want their diet to be all bread and cereal, say, their play shouldn’t be all make and take. Some people like to create weekly plans for their meals, others like to take it one day at a time; the same principle can be applied to planning your play. When you’re familiar with all the different ways to play you can begin to pick and mix the ideas to give your child variety; you can plan by selecting the right kind of play at the right time — to suit you, your situation and the needs of your child – and, of course, come up with your own ideas. If you wish, you could then make these into a daily or weekly play planner – just like a meal planner.

The key thing to consider when planning your play is how much time you have. If you really need your little one to be getting on with something by themselves or perhaps to be helping you get on with something, happily and cooperatively, then choose an idea from Chores: not Bores, 10-Second Set-ups or Sanity Savers. If you want to set up an activity that engages them while you merely supervise, choose an Invitation to Play. If you can be around to help them a bit, choose an Invitation to Create; if you have enough time to actually join in, then try a Stay and Play or a Make and Take activity.

Also, when choosing ways to play, think about the mood your little one is in. Are they full of beans? Can you stay and play? If they’re bouncing around when you need to make a phone call, or you’d just like them to play by themselves for a while, choose an active 10-second set-up, like the balloon solution, or an active invitation to play as.

If your child is feeling poorly you could try a gentle stay and play – perhaps reading to them. Then, depending on how they’re feeling, you might set them up with a gentle invitation to create – maybe with some play dough, or with an audio book – or a simple invitation to play – perhaps using small figurines and a little play scene on their duvet.

Whatever your situation – whether you want to mark high days and holidays with some kind of art or craft, have a cosy day at home because you’re feeling unwell, fit play into a hectic morning of shopping and travelling, use it to cool down on a hot day or simply to get them outside for a while – there is a way to play in this book that will suit.

Family Favourites

You might like to make your own collection of playful-time favourites by trying out a few of the ways to play and making a note of any that worked particularly well in the Favourite Play chart at the back of this book. As your repertoire expands, and you add ideas of your own, you can check with this list and revisit those favourite activities when you’re stuck for an idea. By continuing to add more winning ways to play to your list of tried-and-tested, go-to ideas, you will create a bespoke play-planner that’s perfect for your family (see here).

A quick guide to baby and preschool play

How can we recognise play?

Young children have a natural drive to be playful and to find every opportunity to play; they have a talent to be totally and busily absorbed in whatever they’re playing. It can be hard for us grown ups to recognise play sometimes – let alone define it – as we’re often so busy ourselves, or feeding, changing and cleaning up around our little ones that we don’t really see what’s going on. But just take a moment, when you next get a chance, to observe your child at play – I still find it pretty captivating to watch my own children. Look at that tiny infant kicking her legs or watching the light bounce off the reflection in a window – she’s playing. Look at that baby sitting up and crinkling some noisy fabric – he’s playing. Look at that toddler digging a hole with a stick – she’s playing. Look at those preschoolers with pillowcases round their shoulders, picking up leaves and taking them to a tree stump – they’re playing. Look at that little girl tapping her water bottle along the park railings – she’s playing. As I might watch a talented artist sculpting or a chef cooking, I’m often in bewildered awe at the sight of babies, toddlers and preschoolers playing. For me, their ingenuity, creativity, imagination and their ability to be fully immersed in their game is a wonder to behold.

What do they play?

What babies, toddlers and preschoolers actually play can be grouped into categories, which can help us begin to recognise play when we observe it, giving us a little window into their special, wonderful world. Children often exhibit more than one category of play at a time, and there are acknowledged to be around sixteen types, so it can get a little confusing, but to help you identify what your little one might actually be doing when they’re, say, ripping up your newspaper or making those two pebbles talk to one another, here’s a summary of some of the different categories of play in which your little one might be immersed.