- -
- 100%
- +
“Toya, I got scared. I didn’t know what to do. The police were arresting you. You were yelling and hollering at them. What was I supposed to do?”
“You were supposed to have my back!” Toya pushed my shoulder and I backed up. She wanted to fight me. I could see it in her eyes.
“Toya, look. We just have a big misunderstanding here,” I said, trying to calm her down. Other people who were just hanging out on the block started paying attention to our conflict. If we kept up our loud argument, it wouldn’t be long before a crowd would form and encourage us to knuckle-up our fists and beat each other senseless for their entertainment.
“No, there is no misunderstanding. All I know is that I should kick your ass for what you did. Because of you, the department of family services took Junior away from me.”
“They took Junior from you?” I was surprised by that.
“Yeah, and it’s your entire fault,” she said, absolutely convinced of her reasoning.
“How is that my fault? I told you not to bring that boy in the first place.”
“I called you, Keysha, because I wanted you to come and get him for me. I didn’t care about going to jail because I knew I’d get out. But I didn’t want Junior to go with me. Instead of helping me, you ran your scary ass out the door.”
“You know what—” I stopped backing away from her and stood my ground “—that is not my fault. I told you that if something went down and we needed to get away, Junior would be a problem. You should have thought about the consequences before taking him along with us. Plus, why are you always blaming other people when things don’t go right for you?”
“No. That’s not the way I see it.” Toya pushed me hard and I pushed her hard back. “Everything that went wrong is your fault. We would have gotten out of there quicker had you not been lollygagging for thirty minutes with that salesgirl.”
“Fight!” I heard someone on the street yell out. Before I knew it there were people gathering to watch the outcome of our conflict.
“Toya, let’s not do this,” I pleaded with her. “We’ve been friends far too long.”
“No, I’m about to open up a can of whup ass on you.” Toya reached into a back pocket and pulled out the straight razor she’d shown me a few days earlier. I quickly backed up because I didn’t want to end up with a facial scar like my mother’s friend Simon. She opened it up and swung it at me but I was too far away from her.
“It wasn’t my fault!” I shouted at her, hoping to get her to see my point of view. “Why are you always starting fights?” I asked but didn’t get a response. I quickly scanned the ground in search of a weapon of my own but didn’t find one.
“Come on, Keysha, you can’t run. It’s about to go down,” she taunted me. I was a nervous wreck. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t turn and run because there was a crowd of people surrounding us; I certainly didn’t want to step forward and risk getting split open by a razor.
“Toya, please,” I pleaded with her, but she swung at me again. This time she aimed for my face.
“Somebody help me!” I shouted out, but someone from the crowed answered back.
“Help yourself!”
“Toya, how was I supposed to know that was going to happen, huh?” I asked. I figured that if I kept talking I might get through to her. “I mean, why would I want to see them take your baby from you?”
“Because you wanted a baby with Ronnie but you couldn’t get pregnant,” she snarled back at me.
“That’s not true and you know it,” I shouted back to her as she swung at me again. That time she almost got me on the neck. The circle of people surrounding us was getting tighter, and I had absolutely nowhere to go.
“If you want to fight then fight me fairly,” I said, wanting her to put the razor down. She didn’t answer me. We just kept circling each other cautiously, like two angry lions looking for the right moment to strike. She was much closer to me now and swung at me again. I held my hand up to protect my face. The flesh between my thumb and first finger got nicked by the edge of the razor.
“Damn it!” I shouted out as I made a fist to apply pressure in hopes of stopping the bleeding.
“Toya, this is crazy,” I said. My voice was shaking with fear. “You’ve got drama in your life and so do I. I don’t have a place to live. The landlord put an eviction notice on my door and today was the last day to pay rent or be put out.” Toya suddenly stopped.
“Is that the reason why a strange woman is around asking all types of questions about you and is in your house going through your stuff?” I’d finally gotten through to her.
“What are you talking about? What woman?”
“It serves you right to be put out of the building, because your mother isn’t anything but a whore, anyway. She hasn’t paid rent because she’s in jail. I saw her locked up when I was in jail last night.”
“I’m going to give you a pass on that comment about my mother being a whore.”
“Y’all are out here faking,” I heard someone from the crowd say. It wasn’t long before people started moving away from us.
“Well, it’s true. That’s why you haven’t seen her.” I didn’t want to believe Toya. I didn’t want to believe that my mother had gotten into trouble yet again and left me out in the world to make it on my own. Now that the crowd was gone, I rushed past Toya and into the building. I walked down to the apartment door and found it open. I stepped inside and saw a woman dressed in a black business suit.
“Are you Keysha?” the woman asked but then noticed my bleeding hand. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Who are you and how did you get in here?”
“My name is Maggie. The landlord let me in. I work with the Department of Children and Family Services.” There was a long pause as I tried to understand what was going on.
“Your hand is bleeding pretty badly. You should let me take a look at it.”
“I’m okay,” I said. “Why are you here?”
“Your mother has run into some legal problems and she knew you’d need help. So that’s why I’m here, to help.”
“Help me do what?” I asked.
“Find a home,” she said. I suddenly felt dizzy and light-headed.
“Find a home? It’s true, I’m homeless now?” I asked, feeling anxiety, fear and emotional stress attack me all at once.
“There is a group home for teens in your situation that I can place you in.”
“A group home.” I repeated what she’d said as my vision became gray and blurry. I felt as if my legs could no longer support my weight. I felt them buckling beneath me.
“Sweetie, you’re wobbling. Let me take a look at the cut on your hand.” I tried to move away from her. I wanted to turn and run out the door, but I fainted instead.
seven
When I regained consciousness, I felt someone placing a cold washcloth around my face and neck.
“Mom, what happened?” I asked.
“You fainted. Your mom isn’t here,” said Maggie. “And your hand has been cut pretty badly. I called for an ambulance.”
“I don’t need an ambulance,” I said as I tried to sit up, but Maggie placed her hands on my shoulders and held me down. She was a short, bony woman but strong enough to hold me down.
“You need to relax,” Maggie reiterated. I didn’t feel like struggling with her so I relaxed. I studied her features. She had caramel skin with dark brown freckles around her nose and cheekbones. She was attractive but I could tell by the deep lines beneath her eyes that she’d seen her fair share of heartache, drama and pain.
“Why is everything falling apart?” I started crying uncontrollably. I wanted Maggie to embrace me and tell me that it was going to be okay but she didn’t. I wanted to feel safe, loved and wanted, but all I felt was alone.
When the paramedics arrived, they stitched up the deep cut on my hand and offered to take me to the hospital.
“I don’t want to go to the hospital,” I said.
“Honey, you really need to have a doctor look at your hand,” said Maggie, who seemed to be concerned about me.
“I’m fine,” I said as I looked at the bandage on my hand. “See, the bleeding has stopped.”
“Will the stitches hold until I can get her to a private doctor?” Maggie asked one of the paramedics.
“Yes,” answered one of the men as he began putting away his medical supplies. “But make sure she sees a doctor soon. Don’t wait more than one or two days.”
“Okay,” said Maggie. She thanked them as they walked out of the apartment and down the hall.
Once the paramedics left, Maggie once again asked me how I got cut.
“What do you care?” I snapped at her.
“Okay, I’m just trying to help.”
“You don’t really want to help me. You’re just doing a job,” I said as I inspected the bandage around my thumb. She then showed me all of her credentials to prove who she was.
“You can’t stay here,” Maggie informed me.
“No shit, Sherlock,” I said. “I suppose this means you want me to gather up my bags and go with you.” Maggie didn’t say anything; she just looked at me. I read her facial expression and deduced that was exactly what she wanted me to do. I walked around the room and gathered up my belongings. I took one last look around the apartment to make sure that I hadn’t forgotten anything I wanted.
“What about the television?” Maggie asked. “Do you want to take it?”
“No, it barely works,” I answered as I walked out the door. When I stepped out onto the stoop of the building, I thought for sure someone would approach me and ask if I was okay. I mean, I figured that they had to have seen the ambulance and should’ve known that it was for me. No one looked in my direction or even thought enough about my well-being to ask me what was going on. Toya wasn’t around, and I assumed that after she’d cut me, she got in the car with her boyfriend and drove away in case the police were called.
“That’s my car over there.” Maggie pointed to an emerald-green Oldsmobile. She hit the remote locks and the trunk of the car opened up.
“You can place your bags in the trunk,” she said as she moved past me. I took a deep breath and then headed toward her car and my unknown future.
* * *
As I drove away with Maggie, I just stared out the car window and didn’t say a word. I was angry at everything and with everyone. I was already making plans to run away from the group home. I’d rather take my chances living on the street as opposed to being forced to go into some home with a bunch of people I didn’t know. I thought perhaps I could go back and talk with Ms. Maze, Toya’s grandmother, and ask her if I could stay with her for a little while. I know the plan sounds crazy after Toya cut me with a straight razor, but I figured we were even now and we could move past that.
“I’m taking you to a facility for distressed teens that is on 114th and Western Avenue,” Maggie said, interrupting my thoughts. I didn’t want to say anything to her because I didn’t like her.
“Has anyone explained to you what has happened?” she asked. I wanted to answer her by saying, “Duh, no one has said a damn word to me,” but I didn’t. I just gave her the silent treatment.
“Okay, I’ll take that as a no answer.” She made a right turn and then continued. “There is no easy way to put it so I’m just going to tell you like it is. A few days ago, your mother was arrested as part of a police sting to clean up prostitution in poor neighborhoods. When she was picked up, she had illegal drugs in her possession.” I could feel her looking at me, but I continued to look out the window at people who were waiting on the bus. For a brief moment I wondered where they were going, but Maggie continued talking.
“When Justine realized that she wouldn’t be getting out anytime soon, she notified the officials at the jailhouse and informed them of you and your situation. Once it was determined that she was telling the truth, your case was assigned to me. If you allow me to help, we can work together on finding you a good foster home.”
I felt as if I’d been kicked in the chest by a horse when she said the words, foster home. I never thought I’d end up living in a foster or group home for teens at risk.
“The group home I’m taking you to can be as comforting as you make it. You’ll be staying with other teenage girls in a dorm-room setting. You’ll be under constant supervision by the adult staff members. The facility works on trying to create an atmosphere of family so that everyone feels comfortable.”
“How long do I have to stay there?” I asked with a nasty attitude. I didn’t like the sound of the place she was taking me to one bit.
“Well, I’m not sure. I still have to speak with your mother about contacting your father.”
“She doesn’t know who he is,” I said to her. “It could be any one. I could pass him on the street every day and never know it.” I paused in thought. “You know her dumb ass is pregnant, don’t you?” I tossed out the question because I wanted her to know that my mother suddenly meant very little to me. I had a very low opinion of her. If I saw her on the street, I’d turn and walk the other way. I wouldn’t even acknowledge her.
“Yes. I am aware of the pregnancy. That case has been assigned to me, as well.” I didn’t say anything else because I was attempting to calm my nerves. I couldn’t stop my hand from slapping my knee like a superball bouncing around recklessly. Maggie made a left turn and I noticed that we were going past a bookstore. I would have loved to stop so that I could get a few books to get lost in but I knew that wasn’t an option.
“I’m going to be reaching out to a man who may be your biological father,” Maggie continued. “She’s given me the name of a man who she thinks is your dad.”
“Well, how come she’s never told me who he is?” I asked.
“Well, according to her, she didn’t have a strong sense of who he was until recently. Her friend Simon helped her to narrow down the possibilities.”
“Oh, God, please don’t tell me I’m related to him.”
“I don’t know. We’ll have to see if this man is willing to be tested. He may refuse testing or deny any type of relationship with your mother.” I got so angry that I started slapping the dashboard of the car like I’d gone mad. My emotions were out of control. Maggie didn’t say anything. I suppose she was used to sudden emotional outbursts.
“So if this dude takes the test and realizes he’s my father then what?” I asked. “Do I get to go live in his castle and live happily ever after?”
“If he does agree to be tested and he learns that you’re his child, I’m sure it would have an impact on his life,” Maggie said.
“What if I don’t want to go with him? What if he’s some creep who’s just as messed up as my mother? Then what?”
“Well, we’d never put you in a situation where you’re in danger of being harmed. If your biological father has a criminal record or is unable to care for you, then you’d be able to remain at the group home until you turn eighteen years old. At that point, you’d be free to go forward and live your life.”
“It sounds like a real jacked-up deal,” I said as I wiped a tear from my eye. I was trying not to cry.
Maggie pulled into a gas station and turned off the car. She repositioned herself to look directly at me. I refused to make eye contact with her. I continued to look out the window at people who were walking by.
“If you’re thinking about running away from the group home let me give you a few things to consider. The streets are very cold at night. You wouldn’t know where you’d be sleeping or where your next meal would come from. You run the risk of being attacked or taken advantage of by people who don’t have your best interests in mind. All I’m trying to do is help you. If the situation with your biological father doesn’t end with ‘happily ever after’ then you still have the option of finishing your education and even going to college. Hang in there, get your education so that you can locate a good job and support yourself. You seem like a very nice girl who has been dealt a very bad hand, and I’d hate to see you crumble apart. Your situation is bad but I’ve seen worse,” Maggie explained. I still didn’t say anything to her.
“Look. All I’m asking is that you stay at the group home if things don’t work out for the best.”
“It doesn’t matter. If this guy is anything like my mother, he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me,” I said sarcastically. “I don’t care what happens to me anymore.”
“Be positive, Keysha. Perhaps he will care once he’s made aware of your situation.” I finally turned and looked her directly in the eyes.
“No one has ever cared about me or loved me, with the exception of my Grandmother Rubylee, who is in jail. I might as well step in front of a bus and kill myself.”
“Well, since you feel that way, maybe I shouldn’t bother trying to contact this man,” Maggie said as she started the motor back up and continued on.
We finally stopped in front of the group home, which was a brown brick bungalow-style structure. The screen door had black burglar bars on it, and the wooden banisters on the front porch needed to be repainted. The brushes around the property were overgrown, and the grass had been completely neglected. All the way at the top of the structure I noticed three small windows, which I assumed was the attic.
Maggie pressed the latch for the trunk and was about to get out of the car when I stopped her by speaking up.
“Contact him,” I said. “Maybe fairy tales do come true.”
“Okay,” said Maggie.
eight
Maggie took me inside the group home and up to the attic, which had been converted to office space for the adult supervisors. I sat in a chair beside a desk and awaited further instructions. There was one girl who was about my age who was standing at the file cabinet filing. When she saw me she stopped working and glared at me.
“Why don’t you take a picture, it lasts longer,” I snapped at her. She continued to study me for a moment longer before continuing on with her work. It was noisy in the office. Old-fashioned typewriters were dinging, drawers were constantly being opened and closed and the phone rang constantly. The desks and equipment up there were very old and appeared to be secondhand. The metal desks and filing cabinets were all pea green. The setup reminded me of a police station. The floor plan was wide open, and you could see exactly what everyone was doing.
“Come sit over here,” Maggie said, directing me to another desk. “Once I get you processed, we’ll go over some general rules and then I’ll give you a tour of the place.”
“Rules?” I said. “I’m not following any rules.”
“The rules are for your safety. If you break the rules there will be consequences.”
“Yeah, whatever,” I said, completely unafraid of consequences.
* * *
Thirty minutes later, Maggie gave me some basic rules for living in the group home.
“Boys are not allowed in this facility. There is a curfew of 6:00 p.m. on school nights and 7:00 p.m. on Saturday night. If you violate the curfew rule you will be placed in a secured facility. You must treat the staff here with respect. They’re here to help and listen to you, as well as help you work through any problems you may be having or going through. Stealing will not be tolerated. Drug usage will not be tolerated. Fighting, inappropriate language or dress will not be tolerated.”
“What can you do up in here?” I asked.
“Better yourself,” Maggie said. I didn’t respond to her comment because I wasn’t sure exactly how I was supposed to do that.
“It will take me a day or two to get your school records and have them transferred to the high school in this area.”
“What? I can’t go to my old high school?”
“No. Each morning everyone will get on our school bus, and you’ll be driven to school as well as be picked up.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No. I’m not,” answered Maggie. “Come on. Let me give you a tour of the place and show you where you’ll be sleeping.”
The basement of the home had a small cafeteria and a common area with one television, a pool table, a combination bookshelf and magazine rack and three large tables, which were used for studying and doing homework. The main floor was where the sleeping quarters were. Everyone got a thin mattress and one small dresser with two drawers, and that was it. The main floor was also where the showers and bathrooms were located. After Maggie showed me the shower facilities, I followed her to another area where there was a group of lockers.
“This one is yours,” she said as she handed me my combination lock. “Don’t give your combination to anyone. You can keep your personal hygiene products and any other valuables you may have in here.” I opened up the small, rusty locker and was immediately assaulted by an odor.
“Whew,” I said aloud as I closed the door.
“I’m sorry about that. I’ll have one of the janitors spray some disinfectant in there for you,” Maggie said as I followed her back to the sleeping area. “Here is your cot,” she said. “I’ll let you get settled in. I’m sure the other girls will be along shortly to meet you.”
“When are you going to make the phone call to that dude?” I asked. All I had was hope that my biological father was a decent man who wanted a troubled girl like me. I didn’t want to stay in here any longer than I had to. In my mind, anyplace was better than where I was.
“I’ll do it first thing in the morning,” Maggie said.
“Why can’t we do it now?” I asked. “I mean, can’t you just call him up and say, ‘Hey, did you ever have a sexual relationship with a woman named Justine from Chicago?’”
“It’s a little more complicated than that. You’re in the state system now and certain protocols have to be followed. It’s going to take a little time.”
“I don’t have much time. I want to leave here.” I was feeling crazy.
“I’ll do everything that I can,” Maggie said with a smile and then left.
* * *
I plopped down on my cot and placed my face in my hands. Everything seemed so unreal. I just couldn’t believe this was happening to me. A short time later, I felt someone nudge the back of my shoulder with their fingertips. I glanced over my shoulder and saw a massive girl towering over me. She had to be at least six foot two and was very heavyset.
“What do you want?” I asked her.
“To look through your bags,” she said.
“For what?” I asked, placing a very mean expression on my face.
“To see if you have anything that I want.” I laughed.
“Honey, if you want to go through my rags to see if anything I have can fit you, then knock yourself out.” I stood up and was about to walk away.
“Drugs,” she whispered. “Do you have any?”
“No.” I glared at her as if she’d lost her mind. Drugs just weren’t my thing, especially after watching my mother struggle with addiction.
“They didn’t give you any drugs for the cut on your hand? No painkillers or anything?”
“I have to wear the bandage to keep my hand from becoming infected. I don’t have any painkillers for it,” I said and headed down to the common area. When I got down there, some of the girls were watching an episode of Jerry Springer. I went over to the small bookshelf in search of something to read. I felt like escaping from the reality I was in. I didn’t want to make friends at that point. I only wanted to be left alone.
The selection of books was very small, and some of the authors I’d never heard of. I picked up three books I thought would be interesting. There was Lord of the Flies, by William Golding, To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, and The Women of Brewster Place by Gloria Naylor. I picked The Women of Brewster Place and went back to my cot. I couldn’t wait to mentally check out of the group home by getting lost in a book.
nine
I didn’t sleep well at all my first night in the group home. I just couldn’t sleep around a bunch of strange people I didn’t know or in the strange surroundings. I stayed up most of the night reading. On top of that many of the girls snored loudly. The street lamppost provided just enough light for me to read by. I finally drifted off to sleep at around four o’clock in the morning. At seven o’clock I was awakened abruptly by the sound of someone screaming. When I sat upright, several of the supervisors were trying to restrain the oversize girl who’d asked me if I had any drugs.