The Duke in the Suburbs
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Sir Harry, wedged in one corner, surveyed the scene with a glow of pardonable pride. To him it represented the Duke's coup de grâce.
Mr. Rake wormed his way through the press of people to his side.
"Well, sir?" demanded Mr. Rake.
He said this in a tone that suggested that he had only omitted "what did I tell you?" out of pure politeness.
For Mr. Rake had an unpleasant knack of claiming personal credit for all and sundry happenings, from weddings to earthquakes, no matter how little he had to do with their instigation, that had earned for him amongst his colleagues the title of "Prophet of the Afterwards."
"This, I think," Mr. Rake went on, "effectively settles our friend."
Sir Harry nodded.
"The letter of course was the official suicide, this might aptly be described as the wake."
Arousing no enthusiasm he continued —
"What a remarkable man Lord Tupping is!"
"Yes."
"So popular!"
"So it appears."
"Everybody is simply charmed with him! It is 'Lord Tupping this' and 'Lord Tupping that' on every hand!"
"Yes, yes," said Sir Harry indulgently, "Tuppy is a good fellow." The good fellow at that moment was expostulating with Hal.
"Now look here, Tanny, old friend," he said firmly. "I'm not goin' to meet anybody else. I'm sick of this business an' I'm dashed if I'm goin' to stick it any longer."
"It will be soon over, old man," soothed Hal, "we've finished the Duke."
"Oh!" said Tuppy absently.
"Yes – didn't you see the letter he wrote to the governor in his rag."
"No," said the innocent Tuppy.
"What! not the bit about the vultures in the air, and the brazen sky!"
"Blue sky," corrected Tuppy, and went on hastily, "I suppose you mean blue, don't you?"
"Blue or brazen," said Hal carelessly, "it was a lot of infernal rot."
"My dear old feller," said Tuppy huffishly, "eminent strategist an' military authority as you are, incisive analyst of character as you may be; rampin' rhetorician an' high steppin' logician as in all probability you imagine yourself to be, I cannot accept your dictum on literary quality or diction. I thought that vulture touch was exceptionally imaginative, and the introduction of the blue sky supremely delicate."
"Anybody would think that you had written that bit yourself," chaffed Hal. Tuppy was not to be appeased.
"That's beside the question," he complained.
Then Alicia interrupted them.
She monopolized Tuppy, and Hal, after a vain attempt to join in the conversation, withdrew a little sulkily.
"Lord Tupping," she asked, "aren't you feeling a terrible hypocrite?"
"Not unusually so, dear lady," said Tuppy.
"Sir Harry thinks that you are not on speaking terms with the Duke."
Tuppy coughed.
"At the present moment I ain't," he confessed, "it is over a little question as to whether potatoes should be boiled with salt. I say without, but he's a most obstinate beggar lately – since his trouble."
Alicia ignored the addition.
"Who wrote that dreadful letter," she asked suddenly.
"What letter?" Tuppy's face was a blank.
"Oh, please don't pretend that you are ignorant – that wretched letter full of nonsensical – "
Tuppy drew himself up.
"Dear lady," he said stiffly, "if you refer to the vultures – "
With a woman's quick intuition she guessed at the authorship of that piece of imagery.
"No – I am not referring to that portion of the letter," she said tactfully, "in fact I thought that little touch rather fine," she added, inwardly praying for forgiveness, "but the letter in general – the whole idea, it was the Duke's, of course?"
"The less imaginative part was the Duke's," confessed Tuppy, "the crude outlines, so to speak, the framework – "
"Well," she broke in, speaking rapidly, "you are to tell the Duke that he must not do such a thing again; I will not receive farewell messages through the public press – indeed, you may tell him that nothing will induce me to read the paper again."
"I say," protested Tuppy, "don't say it! Next week's letter ain't half bad – "
"Next week!" Alicia's blood boiled. "Do you mean to tell me that he dares to repeat – "
"He's written twenty already," said the informer, "some of 'em good, some of 'em so, so. There's a very fine one called 'The Profits of Penitence' that'll appear in the Christmas number. That's a tremendously touchin' thing – about Christmas bells an' children dyin' in the snow."
Alicia had no words by now.
She gained self-possession with an effort.
"You – must – tell – the – Duke," she began.
"Why not tell him yourself," suggested Tuppy.
Somebody at the far end of the room had just finished singing, and people who had found seats were smiling sweetly at people who were standing. And people who were standing were smiling back and saying "selfish pig" under their breaths, when Sir Harry mounted a chair, and instantly the hum of talk died down.
"My friends," said Sir Harry, "I feel that we cannot separate to-night without my saying a few words concerning the object of this gathering (cheers). We have met together to do honour to our neighbour, Lord Tupping (loud cheers).
"Heaven and earth!" fretted Tuppy, "why doesn't he leave me alone?"
"Lord Tupping," Sir Harry went on, "has shown us, by example, the attitude of the typical English peer. Dignified, yet gracious; reserved, yet approachable; he combines generosity with restraint and is a striking contrast to the pseudo-nobleman, whose unedifying behaviour has, I think I am right in saying, scandalized our beautiful suburb."
"I say! I say!" said Tuppy indignantly, but nobody heard him.
"As oil to water," said Sir Harry, "as the genuine is to fictitious, so is the old nobility to the upstart – I should say, so is the English nobility to the – er – foreign: they do not mix; they have nothing in common; their ideals are separated by an immeasurable gulf."
"We cannot but be sensible," the knight proceeded, when there was a commotion at the doorway and a tall man pushed his way through. It was the Duke, hatless, pale and a little breathless.
"Tuppy!" he called, and to Sir Harry's amazement the object of his panegyric came half-way to meet him. In the silence that fell upon the assembly every word of the conversation was audible.
"Tuppy, did you come over the garden wall to-night?" was his astounding question.
"No, old feller."
"Sure?"
"Sure, dear boy."
The Duke stood thinking.
"Then you didn't drop this," he said and held out his hand.
It held a silver-mounted cigar case.
Sir Harry recognized it with a smothered oath. It was the case he had given to Bill Slewer.
"It is inscribed 'Harry Tanneur,'" said the Duke, "and the gentleman who dropped it in his hurry left me a further token of his regard."
He held up his other hand, and Alicia gave a little cry, for the hand was swathed in a pocket handkerchief, ominously scarlet.
Part V
THE DUKE ADVENTURES
IIt was nearing the period when "something would have to be done." These were Olejoe's exact words. With an action pending in the High Court, the presence of the brokers' man was suggestive rather than conclusive. Olejoe was a splendid splash of colour, a picturesque accessory, but as Tuppy pathetically complained, he had not as yet justified the trouble and expense.
It is true that with a silver salver in his hand he had replaced the sedate servant. That he received visitors and showed them in; that clad in his striking raiment he negotiated with the butcher and the milkman, and that he was one of the Sights. More than this, he was admitted into the family circle, and was invariably introduced to callers as "my brokers' man" or "my possessionist," With Tuppy's coming the question of Olejoe became a vital one. Tuppy, it may be said, was now an inmate of 64. A curt note from Sir Harry's solicitors had terminated his tenancy. Supplementary to this was a letter from Sir Harry himself in which he dealt freely in such phrases as "two-faced duplicity," "run with the hare and hunt with the hounds," "betrayal of a sacred trust," and similar happily coined phrases of opprobrium.
"The perfectly horrible thing is," Tuppy said in bitterness of spirit, "I've given up my flat in Charles Street, an' it's a thousand to thirty the landlord won't take me back again, unless I pay something off the old account."
The Duke pressed him to stay, and Hank was extremely urgent in his invitation.
"The Duke should surely have somebody he can talk 'blighted hopes' to," he said: in his capacity as An Authority on Women, Tuppy stayed.
Thus Olejoe came to be a problem, for Tuppy brought the faithful Bolt, and No. 64 was not built for the accommodation of a house party.
Olejoe, therefore, became the pivot around which revolved a ceaseless whirl of discussion.
He was a Domestic Crisis.
"Something must be done with Olejoe."
This was the beginning and the end of the agenda under review.
Olejoe was present at the most important of these. From time to time he interjected expostulatory noises.
"A Johnny man that I know," said Tuppy reminiscently – "I don't exactly know him, but I owe his brother a hundred, which to all intents an' purposes extends my acquaintance – because if I don't know him, he is pretty sure to have heard about me from the brother fellow, who's a deuce of a bleater about money affairs – "
"I'll look him up in the Dictionary of National Biography," said the Duke; "in the meantime, this man – ?"
"Well, this man used to go to the wooliest places – Africa an' Klondike an' similar horrid spots outside the radius; used to go bug huntin', an' lion fishin' an' bee-stalkin'. When he got something extra, in the way of skins or wings or feathers he used to send it to Wards, have it stuffed an' stuck up in his library. When I say 'library' I mean the place he used to sleep in on Sunday afternoons. But if he got something extra-extra, somethin' stupendously gape-ish, such as a pink lion or a sky-blue rattlesnake – somethin' absolutely priceless, he used to give it to some dashed museum. There was insanity in the family, mind you."
The Duke cast a calculating glance at Olejoe.
"We might leave him at the South Kensington," he mused.
"Stuffed?" suggested Hank.
"In a box," said Tuppy enthusiastically, "with a rippin' big label on the top, 'A present to the Nation from a True friend' or some rot like that."
"Or in lieu of conscience money," said the Duke, "from two who have robbed the inland revenue, asking finder to notify the same in the Times newspaper."
"Gents," said Olejoe with a forced smile, "foreigners I've always been obligin' to, without the word of a lie. Orgin grinders, ice-cream blokes, an' ladies who tell your fortune with little dickey birds wot pick a bit of paper out of the box to tell you whether your husband will be dark or fair, an' how many children you're goin' to have. If you treat others well, you can expect to be treated well yourself. Do unto others as thyself would be done is a sayin' old an' true – so no larks, if you please."
"When you started that interestin' exposition on tolerance of the alien," said Tuppy aggrieved, "I was under the impression you were goin' to say somethin' particularly apposite."
"No larks," confirmed Olejoe.
"Say," said Hank suddenly, "what's the matter with sendin' him to the Tanneur guy?"
"Alive?" asked Tuppy in a matter of fact tone that made Olejoe shiver.
"Why sure; send him along with a tag tied to his coat – it's gettin' round about the festive season when you give away things you've no use for."
"I feel certain," said the Duke, "that Olejoe could be used for some wise purpose. An age that has found employment for bye-products in general, should not be at a loss for using up this variety. The difficulty about the knight is that he's going abroad."
"Abroad?"
"Abroad – whether that means a season at the Riviera or an exploration of the Sandwich Islands, I cannot say. But abroad he's going, or gone."
"We couldn't send our dear old friend as a courier?" questioned Tuppy. "A sort of unofficial dragoman?"
But the Duke shook his head.
"The situation is this," he said. "We take a house; the knight buys out our landlord; we refuse to pay rent; the knight puts a broker's man in; we're tired of the broker; we've no room for the broker; he has outlived his usefulness; Q. What should A do with B?
"We might, of course, bury him in the garden," the Duke went on, "thus enriching the soil; we might wait for a foggy night, take him out and lose him – "
"Monty! I've got it!"
The inspiration had come to Tuppy with extraordinary suddenness.
"Pay him out."
"What?"
"Pay the rent," said Tuppy solemnly; "it's unusual in cases like this, an' it's a bad precedent: but as a solution it's got points you could hang your hat on."
IIIt is a fault of some authors, that they persistently refuse to introduce characters into their stories, unless those characters in the course of the narrative, perform an act or acts, of such transcendent importance as to make the story impossible without their presence. Accordingly we are familiar with the faithful servant who meanders through 300 pages with little to say for himself save "Dinner is served, your Grace," and "His lordship has not yet returned from 'unting, m'lady;" who is deliciously obscure until the end of the book, when he gives his life for the children, or produces the missing will. We know of governesses, pretty and otherwise, who are the merest shadows for twenty chapters, but enter into their kingdom in the twenty-first, when they accuse the Earl of unblemished character of being the father of the beggar boy.
I could have wished that Olejoe might have passed from these pages naturally, and without fuss, just as people pass from the real pages of life, without ostentation, noiselessly ignoring the rules of the theatre, which demand that no character shall leave the stage without an effective "line" to take them "off," such as "We meet to-morrow!" or "Look to it, Sir George – look to it!" or in the cases of more important figures, a long and heroic peroration.
The rules of the theatre do not insist upon heroics for a part like Olejoe's. I think something like this would have fulfilled all requirements —
Olejoe (one foot on doorstep, bundle slung over shoulder):
Farewell, my lord.Farewell, my noble Duke: the elms shall budTo greeny leafness, and the summer sunShall gild the cupula of this great house.I pass to winter, to an endless night,Bereft of your bright presence: for this gold,This token of your grace, my charged heartPuts lock upon my tongue (business with handkerchief). Farewell!There were, as it happened, certain lines to be said by Olejoe in the natural course of events, for the broker's man shares with the waiter, the boots, the chambermaid, and the hotel porter the same characteristic and absolute repugnance to effacement.
The bailiff's receipt lay on the table, and Olejoe in a ducal coat, a lordly pair of trousers and a cowboy hat, the united contributions of the household, took the handsome tip the Duke had delicately slipped into his hand, and with tearful eyes expressed his gratitude.
"Gents all," said Olejoe, who had little knowledge of and regard for the stateliness of blank verse, "as man to man I'm obliged to you. If I've done anything that I oughtn't have done I ask your pardon. I've had me dooty to do an' I've done the same to the best of my ability. I've always found you to be gentlemen, an' if any one sez contrary, it'll be like water on a duck's back – in at one ear an' out at the other. If I can ever do you a turn as far as lays in me power, I'm ready an' willin', an' with these few remarks I thank you one an' all," which was a highly creditable speech.
So passed Olejoe, and I would that no further necessity existed for introducing him again, so that I might emphasize my protest against convention in art.
"The House will now go into committee," said the Duke, "on a purely personal matter – Hank, I'm feeling most horribly worried."
"If it's the eternal feminine woman," said Hank rising quickly, "as I've got a hunch it is, you'll find me in the back lot plantin' snowdrops."
"You're beastly unsympathetic," complained the indignant Duke, "here are two loving hearts – "
"Anatomy," said Hank at the doorway, "is a science I've no love for since the day the Dago doctor of Opothocas Mex. amputated my little toe under the mistaken impression that ptomaine poisonin' was somethin' to do with the feet."
"What we've got to do now," said Tuppy, when the unromantic Hank had disappeared, "is to get somethin' particularly touchin', I'm afraid I've spoilt the other letters, by unintelligently anticipatin' the contents."
"What an ass you were, Tuppy," said the Duke testily, and Tuppy cheerfully agreed.
For two hours they sat composing the wonder working epistle.
"To whom it may concern," it was addressed, and began "What is life? says Emerson."
"That's a fool start," said Tuppy. "Why drag in old man Emerson anyway?"
"Can you suggest a better?" asked the Duke tartly.
"What's the matter with this," asked Tuppy, "you know the Tennyson stuff." He knit his forehead in the effort of remembrance. Then he recited, filling in the blanks as well as he could —
It's jolly true tum-tum befall,I feel it tum-tum tum-tum most;It's better to have loved a galThan never to have loved at all!"Rotten," said the Duke.
"I don't think I have quite got the lines right," Tuppy owned, "but any feller can see the drift of the thing."
"If ever I write poetry, Tuppy," said the Duke solemnly, "I should be very grateful if you would refrain from quoting it."
The Emerson opening was allowed to stand. Tuppy made another determined effort to introduce a flower of poetry into the letter when it was nearing completion.
"Look here, Monty. Why not work in that bit about
Love to a girl is a thing apart,'Tis a feller's whole existence?""Partly," said the Duke, "out of respect for the dead, whom you are misquoting. It runs 'Love to a man is a thing impart!'"
"She wouldn't know the difference," said the sanguine lord.
"That's beside the question: this is supposed to be an open letter addressed to Sir Harry; I can't chuck words of poetry at his unfortunate head – after all he's been punished enough."
They broke off their composition to join Hank in the garden whilst the sedate servant laid the table for lunch.
So far from planting snowdrops Hank had established himself in the little green-house at the end of the garden – a warm cosy little greenhouse on a wintry day – and ensconced in a deck chair had fallen asleep. They woke him by the simple expedient of opening the door wide and letting in a rush of icy cold air.
"Notice anything strange about next door?" yawned Hank, and the Duke started.
"No," he replied with a shade of anxiety in his voice. "What is it?"
"Blinds down, shutters up – general air of desolation," enumerated Hank.
The Duke looked quickly and raced into the house. The sedate servant (his name was Cole) was folding a serviette.
"Cole," said the Duke sternly, "where are the people next door?"
"Gone, m'lord," said Cole.
"Gone! when did they go! Where have they gone, and why on earth was I not told."
"They went last night, m'lord," said Cole, "they have gone to Bournemouth if I am accurately informed – my source of information is the butcher – "
"The postman would have been better," said the Duke reprovingly.
"The postman is an extremely reticent person and moreover is a radical who does not approve of Us," said Cole. "The butcher, on the contrary, stands for landed interest and the established church."
"Excellent," said the Duke, "proceed."
"They left last night," Cole went on dealing with the questions in order, "which accounts for the fact that I did not inform your grace, information having arrived with chops – ten minutes ago."
Cole paused deferentially, then continued, "If your grace will remember, I suggested a joint for to-day's lunch, a suggestion which was not acceptable. Had it been a leg of mutton, your grace would have been informed two hours ago – the joint requiring that extra time to cook, and the butcher in consequence calling earlier."
"You are vindicated, Cole," said the Duke sadly —
As they disposed of the dilatory chop at lunch the Duke was exceptionally quiet. "I don't know why they've gone away," he said at last, "but I'm not so sure that their departure isn't providential."
"My mind was runnin' on the same set of rails," said Hank. He pushed back his plate and produced a cigar. "Duke, it's about time we settled Big Bill for good an' all."
"Don't tell me," said Tuppy hastily, "that your shootin' friend is in the neighbourhood?"
Hank nodded slowly.
"Here last night, wasn't he, Dukey?"
"He was," said the Duke absently.
"We traced his little footsteps in the garden bed," said Hank.
"But, my dear foolish Transatlantic cousin," protested Tuppy, "the police, old friend! The dashed custodians of public peace an' order! What the dooce do you pay rates an' taxes an' water rates an' gas bills for!"
"The police?" Hank smiled. "Oh, the police are all right: but there's nothing doin' with the police. This is a feud for private circulation only."
"But!" cried Tuppy violently and unpleasantly excited, "it's distinctly unfair to our splendid constabulary; you oughtn't to be selfish, old feller – suppose this horrid person with his unsportin' revolver killed me! Oh, you can laugh, dear bird, but it'd be doosid unpleasant for me!"
"I'm not laughing, Tuppy," said the Duke seriously, "I can quite understand your funk – "
"My dear good misguided an' altogether uncharitable friend," said Tuppy, greatly pained, "it isn't funk – I'm notoriously rash as a matter of fact: why my discharge was suspended for bein' rash an' hazardous – they were the Official Receiver's own words. No, it isn't funk, it's an inherited respect for the law."
He was considerably ruffled.
"Well, let me say I can appreciate your law-abiding spirit," said the Duke, "but as Hank said, this isn't a case for the police: it's a purely personal matter between Mr. Slewer and myself. But because the beggar is getting over bold, it is necessary to clip his wings – this is our opportunity."
It was at this point that Olejoe made his reappearance. Cole announced him and the Duke, somewhat astonished, ordered him to be brought in.
He entered smiling somewhat vacantly, and stood unsteadily by the door holding his hat in his hand.
"A friend's a friend," he said thickly, "an' a friend in need is a friend in – deed." He smiled benevolently. "There's them," he said with a sneer, "that don't believe all they hear an' only half what they see. There's them that wouldn't believe people could be crowned an' sat on a throne an' all." His smile became indulgent. "Me an' a friend of mine," he went off at an angle, "not exactly a friend but a chap I know, went up to the West end. His name was Harry."
"Olejoe," said the Duke sternly, "go home."
"'Arf a moment," said Olejoe, "I'm coming to the part that will knock you out. D'ye know the White Drover outside Victoria Station? It's a house I seldom use. But Harry does, so we went in."
"I gathered that much," said the Duke.
"'What's yours,' sez Harry. 'No,' I sez, 'it's my turn, what's yours?' 'No,' sez Harry, 'I'll pay, what's yours?' 'No,' I sez – "
"Cut it out," pleaded Hank, "forget it – "
"… when I heard a chap speakin' in the next bar: a private bar with red velvet seats. An American chap he was, like Hank."
It is a proof of Olejoe's exhilaration that he said "Hank" calmly and coolly and without a blush.
"He sez – the American chap – 'I'm layin' for Dukey,' an' the other feller (I'll tell you his name in a minute, it'll come as a terrible surprise to you) sez 'Do nothin' yet,' just like that 'do nothin' yet!'
"'I've got an idea,' sez this chap – not the American chap – 'that when this Duke person finds my niece has gone with us to Merroccer – '"
"To Morocco?" queried the Duke eagerly.
"To Merroccer," repeated Olejoe, "the same place as the leather – 'when he finds I've persuaded my niece (I'll tell you who she is in a minute: I'm keepin' that back to the last), when he finds I've took my niece for a holiday to Merroccer the chances are,' sez the old boy, 'he'll come after her. Now if the Duke goes to Merroccer,' sez the chap – you'll never guess his name, not if you guess for a million years – 'if the Duke goes to Merroccer. I don't care a damn what you do – in Merroccer.'"