Sea-gift

CHAPTER XXVII.

The session and a vacation in the mountains passed, I commenced my studies as a Sophomore, and under this new dignity fresh trials of my moral courage every day arose. I was constantly being solicited to join some scheme of devilment, and though my conscience always bade me refuse, the voice of the multitude often prevailed, and I was thus drawn into many an affair of which I was afterward heartily ashamed.

Our class seemed determined to surpass all of its predecessors in annoyances to the Faculty, the derangement and often destruction of college property and the “devilling” of Fresh. One of the Faculty, whose views of discipline were rigid, and who could not brook the slightest disturbance in his room, was our special mark. Going into recitation we would load our pockets with gravel and acorns, and by dextrously throwing them over our neighbor’s shoulder we would keep a perfect hail of them upon the floor, rendering recitation impossible. Sometimes a rat would be carried in and turned loose in the room, and every one would mount his seat in an apparent extremity of terror. Bugs, reptiles and even poisonous snakes were put on the floor, to run under the students’ legs and cause a sufficient disturbance to suspend the lecture.

An attempt to “blow up” the professor was even made by placing a small quantity of powder under his rostrum; which, indeed, came near being a much more serious matter than was intended.

One morning, as Ned and I came out from breakfast, we were requested to go up to one of our classmate’s rooms, where we found nearly the whole class assembled. The object of the meeting was, so we were informed, to consider the proposition to “dress” for L – , the professor. To “dress” for a professor was to attend lecture in the most ridiculous and grotesque costume attainable, and had ever been regarded by the Faculty as the highest contempt for their authority, and an offence meriting extreme punishment.

The proposition was warmly seconded and approved, there being only one dissenting voice, that of Ned.

When the roll was called for the votes, he rose and said that, while he regretted to oppose himself to the class, yet the course proposed tended to defeat the object of their attendance upon the Institution, and was, therefore, wrong; that it was undignified and discourteous, and that he could not join them.

Amid cries of “Bootlick! order! Cheyleigh, you’re right! silence!” Ned took his hat and walked quietly from the room.

When my name was called, poor, weak I, could only respond, “I am in for anything the class agrees on,” while my heart was throbbing to follow Ned’s example.

When we assembled, at eleven o’clock, could Falstaff have seen us he would have thought his troop perfect dandies. Great, tall fellows, six feet high, appeared in coats whose sleeves scarce reached their elbow, and pants that were far above their knees. Little fellows had on clothes that smothered them, and which were stuffed out with pillows till Daniel Lambert would have been a skeleton beside them. Others wore pasteboard collars, whose points extended far above their heads, while a whole window curtain of flaming chintz served them for a cravat. Some had their clothing on wrong side out, and one man had reversed his entire suit, putting everything on hind part before. A few had gone to the trouble of getting up costumes from the stores, and appeared as demons and devils with most hideous faces, and horns, hoofs and tails. The most amusing character of all was a rare genius from the mountains, whom everybody knew as Joe. A man of brilliant ability and rare attainments, he was a great favorite with the Faculty, and yet, from his innate love of fun, he was ever getting into some difficulty. He was attired, on this occasion, in an immense swallow tailed coat of brown homespun, and tremendous copperas striped pants. He had gotten a pair of shoe-store signs down town and wore them for boots, the legs coming up nearly to his waist and the feet about a yard long. He wore a tremendous pair of green goggles, and carried around his neck a rusty old log chain, from which was suspended a large circular clock to serve as his watch. A turn down collar of white cloth extending to his shoulders like a cape, and a whole sheet crammed in his pocket as a handkerchief, completed his outfit. He was unanimously chosen our leader and we marched to the section room. The professor looked serious and was ominously silent till we were all seated. He called the roll with unusual gravity, and then, that the desired defeat of the recitation might not be accomplished, commenced to examine the class; but the attempt was futile. One would reply that he would answer the question as soon as he could get his voice up out of his collar; another, that his pants were almost long enough and were stretching, and that as soon as they got past his knees he would take pleasure in telling all he knew. Joe, upon being called on, took out his clock with a great rattle of his chain, then drawing out his immense sheet, proceeded to wipe his goggles with it, and then blow his nose as if it was a trumpet. The ridiculousness of this proceeding called forth such a laugh from the class that the professor dismissed us in disgust, first summoning all of us to appear before the Faculty when the bell rang.

Immediately on our dismissal we held an informal meeting in the campus and agreed to appear before the Faculty in our costumes. There was a wide stare of indignation and surprise on their faces as we filed into the room and took our seats. The professor preferred his charges, and the president, having called on each member of the board for an expression of opinion, asked us if we had anything to say in justification of our offence. No one spoke for several moments, and they were about to proceed with the case when Joe slowly rose to his feet and said in solemn tones:

“Mr. President and gentlemen of the Faculty – I have somewhat to say in behalf of these my friends. Will you be kind enough to state what length of time you will allow me for their defence?”

He paused and waited a reply, looking as solemn through his great frog-eyed spectacles as if he was in the High Court of Chancery.

“Speak on, Mr. – ,” the chairman replied, “we cannot entertain your nonsensical proposals for time, but we are willing to allow you to make any statement you wish, and to give any excuses you can for your conduct.”

“My friends,” said Joe, turning to us, “do you hear that? Bear me witness, and see that they accord the full measure of their promise.”

So saying, he drew from under his coat the old clock, and taking the chain from his neck, he let it clatter with great noise on the floor, and laid the clock before him on a bench, after the manner of public speakers. He then carefully noted the time, cleared his throat, adjusted his specs and began:

“Oh, most worthy Paishdadians, the early dispensers of justice, in whom are centred the majesty of the Pharaohs, the wisdom of the Magi, and the dignity of the Conscript Fathers, both Roman and Sabine! I would not detain you with useless words, but simply tell why we have appeared to-day in costumes which you, in the plenitude of your wisdom, have deemed offensive:

“We are unfortunate young men, severed from the endearments of home and cut off from the paternal exchequer; no sewing sisters’ love, no darning mothers’ care! Can you wonder that our wardrobes have suffered such considerable depletion that we must make some changes or renew? As to renew was impossible, with remittances rarer than angels’ visits, we wisely chose to change.

“The apparent absurdity of these changes is at once explained by their utility as well as their necessity. Permit me to enumerate a few, and point out their peculiar advantages. I have been, as you all know, of very studious habits; consequently the abrasion of my sedes pantaloonorum has been constant. As concealment was no longer possible I exchanged with a smaller friend, whose shortness of leg will enable him to draw the trite orifices up beyond the reach of vision, while the brevity of his unmentionables enables me to preserve my respectability by the display of a new pair of socks, which I borrowed.

“My fat friend here found that his garments were wearing out more on the inside than the out, and, consequently, exchanges with this starved anatomy, that the outside may catch up. He then squeezes into the lean man’s suit, to reduce his pinguisity. My reversed friend here,” pointing to the man who had his clothes with the front turned behind, “has been suffering with a chronic crick till his head has twisted entirely around. With an energy worthy of Ithacus he has resolved to retrograde through life, rather than submit to the tyranny of his neck and change his clothes; hence his remarkable attitude and crawfish gait.

“The other gentlemen present have reasons equally good for the fashions they have adopted, and which this out-of-the-way place may deem a little outré.

“This much, gentlemen, to show that my comrades, as well as myself, had cause for our conduct. But I see by the cold regard of your stern faces that you do not believe me. If it were not for the consumption of your valuable time I could introduce witnesses to prove what I have stated, but ‘tis useless.”

“Stop, sir!” exclaimed the president, “we have endured this farce long enough. Gentlemen,” addressing the Faculty, “what are your opinions of the offence and its punishment?”

“Sir!” said Joe, with a green, piercing glance, “you have promised that you would allow me to make my defence, and I claim the privilege.”

“Well, go on, sir, we cannot wait much longer.”

“I shall take my leisure,” said Joe, stooping down to look at the face of his clock. “Well, I pass on to my secondly, then. My firstly was a statement of facts; my secondly shall be argument, and my thirdly, appeal. I do then emphatically deny to you the right of jurisdiction in our case. You cannot take cognizance, even, of our proceedings unless you make the University of North Carolina a tailor’s shop and prescribe the fashions for its students. What right have the Faculty of a purely literary Institution to say what shall be the cut of my coat, merely because I am a matriculate? By what authority do you object to my clothing, so long as it is decent? and I am sure none of my friends here can be accused of indecency of apparel.

“If, however, you insist upon your right, by what standard do you condemn our appearance? Do you know what the latest fashions are? Have any of you seen a Paris paper this year, and are you certain that your information on these points is later than mine. If so, I cheerfully waive the right to determine for myself, and submit to your direction. But why multiply remarks; if you can find us guilty of any infringement of the laws of the University, behold we are in your hands, to be dealt with after our sins, but we do protest against being condemned by some perverted construction of a remote rule.

“And now we know, although you have no right, yet you will try us and condemn us. We throw ourselves upon your mercy. Oh! be tender with us. We are young and unsophisticated; we are away from father and mother, and some of us, alas! are orphans; will you deal harshly with us simply for changing our fashion? Oh! ye who have sons, plead with those who have not, and obtain for us clemency. Do not, with puritanic bigotry, strain at a gnat of a garment and swallow a camel of cruelty. Oh have mercy! Have mercy! We have suffered the pangs of remorse, our bowels have yearned over our transgression and groaned for dinner, and we are ready now to get down upon our all fours and gallop out the door if you will only speak the word. Speak it – bohoo-oo! Spe-oo-ea-oo-kit!”

He pulled his great sheet handkerchief out, and spreading it on the bench before him, buried his face in it and sobbed aloud.

The Faculty did not smile, and we were too badly scared to laugh; and so Joe raised his head soon and wiped his eyes, took up his clock and chain and put it on again, then leaned back as solemn and sad as Heraclitus.

The President then rose, and without the slightest appreciation of Joe’s effort, said:

“Your conduct, gentlemen, has been considered by the Faculty in an impartial and unprejudiced manner, and their unanimous vote is that you be dismissed for an indefinite period.

“The farcical character of your defence, delivered through your representative, and its absurd and contemptible conclusion, place it too far beneath our notice for any reply; but I wish to say a word or two to those who have engaged in this affair thoughtlessly. There is a very mistaken idea among students generally that it is manly and courageous to resist constituted authority, and that such a course will gain for them a reputation for independence and spirit. They forget that in this resistance, and in the obstruction of recitation, they injure only themselves, and defeat the very end for which they have come to college. Resistance to tyranny is sometimes worthy of admiration, but here there can be no tyranny, for the same rights and protection are guaranteed the students as the tutor, and an appeal to the right source would prove a far more speedy and effective remedy than the course pursued.

“Many of you joined in this shameful affair for the want of moral courage, and scarcely one of you really desired to enter into it. To those who originated the plot I would say, remember that those you persuade to join you suffer equally with yourselves, and your magnanimity will surely deter you from getting others into trouble; and I would beg those who were led into this, in future to consider the certain result of their conduct; disgrace and mortification, without a single point being gained. And I ask you all, does the paltry pleasure of raising a laugh, repay even the trouble of dressing, much less the shame each one feels or ought to feel? I hope that you will look at this question of deportment in its true light and act thereon. You have heard the sentence, gentlemen, and can retire.”

We sauntered from the room, and, once outside, commenced a Babel of confused talk, which was broken up by our departing to our rooms to put on some decent apparel. I sat down and commenced to indite a letter to father, but found it impossible to write in the excited state of my mind. As we had to leave the Hill in a few hours after our dismissal, I began to pack my trunk. Soon after dinner, however, I learned that the members of the class who had not joined us, had gotten up a petition for our reinstatement. The Faculty required a pledge of future good behavior from each of us concerned before they would entertain the petition at all; and I found to my surprise that those who had been most anxious to get up the “dress,” and who had been most violent in their outcry against those who refused to join them, were now the most solicitous of all that the petition should be signed, and were among the first to put their names to the pledge. There was one exception, Joe refused to sign anything or in any way recognize the right of the Faculty to condemn us. He declared he would stand by the principles set forth in his speech, and nothing could move him from it. In spite of his frolics he was a great favorite with the Faculty, and several of them went to him privately and endeavored to persuade him to sign the pledge. He thanked them, but firmly declined, and next morning took his departure. We all gave him three cheers as he drove off to Durham’s, which he returned by waving his handkerchief till he was out of sight.

True old Joe! The last tidings I had of him were that, as Colonel in the Confederate army, he had refused parole at Appomattox and gone to the Dry Tortugas.

CHAPTER XXVIII.

The Spring session opened with pleasant prospects for us all. I was conveniently situated for study, and resolved to make the most of my opportunity. The great college office in those days was Marshal for the commencement exercises. Even early in the session those interested commenced to electioneer for their respective favorites. Frank was one of the candidates, and in the race for popularity his demagogical spirit was wonderfully successful. He had never had much to do with me since the death of DeVare, but he now seemed determined to renew our old intimacy.

As he fully possessed the art of making himself agreeable, and hiding his cloven foot, I enjoyed some very pleasant hours with him.

He was even confidential with me; said that he was engaged to Lulie, and that she loved him very devotedly, but that he had not quite made up his mind yet.

“And when do you expect to marry her?” I asked one day, when we had been talking about her.

“Marry, did you say? Ha! ha! that is a good one. Marry, the devil! Why, you do not suppose that I am in earnest with her, do you?”

“You ought to be, if she loves you, as you say she does, and as I believe,” I replied, with indignation in my tone.

“Well, perhaps I am,” he said with a careless laugh; “without boasting, she is certainly infatuated with me, and I – I love to be with her, hold her hand and clasp her waist, and all that sort of thing, but whether you call that love or not I do not know.”

“Why, you do not mean to say you have gone as far as that?” I asked, in surprise, for I had never supposed that Lulie, with all her infatuation, would permit such liberties.

“Umph! I should think I had; and I count myself deucedly fortunate; for it isn’t every day a fellow kisses such lips as hers.”

“Frank, you shock me.”

“Do I? Oh, Lulie is very prudent, with every one else; but you see with her betrothed she feels a little freer. By the way, John, how did you make it with Miss Carrover?”

“I had a pretty fair game,” I replied, cautiously, for I did not wish to be communicative. “Did you try your hand there?”

“Only a little,” he replied; “a stolen kiss or two and a half squeeze was all I got from her. Ellerton had it out with her though.”

“You surprise me,” I said. “I thought she was very chary of her favors.”

“Chary, the devil! I could tell you of a dozen men in college who were engaged to her. She lived on flirtation. ‘Twas reported that you were swamped terribly. They say you were the only one in earnest.”

“Those who say so know nothing about it,” I replied warmly, for I was nettled at his words.

“Well, well, no offence I hope; but, changing the subject, you will come to my supper, Friday evening, will you not? I’ll take no refusal. There will be a select company, and we cannot do without you.”

He was so urgent in his invitation that I finally consented to attend.

As I started to the supper room Friday night, Ned said, in his kind way:

“Do not drink much, to-night, John. It is hard to count one’s glasses in the midst of so much hilarity.”

“Never fear for me,” I said, gaily, as I ran down the stairs. Frank had secured rooms down town, and on reaching them I found the company all assembled. There were Markham and Bolton, two Seniors, to contribute dignity; Trickley, a Soph., who was brimful of song; Ellerton, who was considered a wit; two or three others whose names I have forgotten, and last a little Fresh named Peepsy, who was so exceedingly verdant that Frank had brought him down as a butt for us. I shook hands round and bowed stiffly to Ellerton, whom I had not spoken to since the duel.